Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend's mom and dad dislike me. What can I do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by amandajeanday

And his parents should understand me getting pregnant! Wasn't only my fault! There's 2 of us! And I didn't push him into or anything!

No, you didn't push him into anything, but you didn't say no, either.

You asked why his parents do not like you. Only his parents and maybe he knows the answer to that question. Have you respectfully asked them?

The people who have responded have tried to give you some reasons from their experience and perspective. You don't seem to like the reasons that have been given.

I am not certain if it is the arrogance of youth or defensiveness due to having your perception of your life turned upside down, but you do come across as self-centered and caring only about your own wants and desires. If you are pregnant there is another life that will depend on you making the best choices you can and not excusing your behavior with, "everyone else is doing it" or "he is worse." There are no do-overs or second chances in having a healthy pregnancy or raising a child. In 18 years you will be in your parents' shoes. It will be your child dating and wanting to have sex if they aren't already sexually active by 13/14 years old. Will you have the same attitude then that you do now about teens being sexually active?

You say that you will 18 in a few days. I sincerely hope a positive pregnancy test is not one of your birthday gifts. While many young parents do mange to make a healthy and happy home, more do not. You can make all the plans you want and Life will do its best to mess them up. The choices you make can make it easier or harder. Why make it easier for Life to mess up your plans?

You seem to think it will be easy to go back to school after having a baby. What you don't see are the stresses pregnancy and a newborn put on you and the relationship. His wages may seem good now, but they may not be enough for childcare, tuition and all the other assorted costs that come from having two parents 'working' outside the home. His jobs and schooling may not allow for him to be home as much as both of you may want him to be or to be able to take care of the baby while you go to school or work. Grandparents and friends can and are willing to do only so much. You cannot expect them to change their lives because of your choices.

You have been with your boyfriend for seven months. You say that it is more serious than his past relationships. How do you know? How long have your past relationships lasted? How long have his? You have said he was sexually active in the past so you know sex isn't making it more serious. Strangely, discussing the future doesn't make a relationship more serious. Too many couples make plans that never happen or Life throws them a curve ball and everything falls apart.

One of the things you say you think might be a cause of their 'dislike' is that you aren't 'wife' material. Have you ever done anything to show them you are more than a bed buddy for their son? Have you tried to improve your cooking? Have you offered to help when you are at their house? Shown an interest in the day to day activities that give your boyfriend his main source of support? How do you treat his parents?

You have a lot to think about. Be honest with yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amandajeanday

Okay.. wow that was really hurtful... :'( I understand the whole money aspect... but like it said it takes two... and he had just as big as part in it as I do and yes I 110% think his parents should understand that it was also on him... and you know what! I asked for advice! Good advice! For for rude people just looking to put others down.. :'( if I am pregnant! That baby will have two amazing parents, who go to school, have plans for our future, work, and have lots of love! And I'm sorry you guys have no hope or faith for young moms... :/

See that's my whole point. To you, the advice some of us are giving is hurtful. Because you refuse to accept it as reality. Anything that doesn't fit into your rose colored view of the world is hurtful and not valuable.

For example, you have no clue what it takes to raise a child, let alone do so while you are trying to go to school and earn enough to feed the child. You have the confidence of someone with no clue that you will be lovely parents. What do you think will happen when you want to go partying with your friends, but can't because of the baby? You need to study for an exam, but the baby is crying for hours. You need to wake up and face reality, not try to strike back at people who are actually trying to help you understand what you have really gotten yourself into.

Okay, I NEVER go out and party, nor have I EVER... I'm def not into that. And Yes I've def tried to learn and let his mom teach me new things, and I respect his parents a great deal. And saying u Pitty the parents of our baby, that's really cruel... and it was really messed up..

Quote:

Originally Posted by amandajeanday

And saying u Pitty the parents of our baby, that's really cruel... and it was really messed up..

Cruel, yes. Messed up, no!

I think you have a very unrealistic idea of how things will be if you're pregnant.
How do you know his parents don't like you? Have they said something to you or did your boyfriend tell you. Maybe they don't think you are right for him. I was in a dating situation like that and when I look back on it, they were right. Let's just hope you are not pregnant. You guys are awfully young to be parents and nowhere near able to raise a child especially not having both parents on your side.

They have said something to my boyfriend. And they acted like they liked me for the longest time but then it changed. And its not that I have a unrealistic idea how things will be, its more that I'm actually trying to plan, and look forward to our future. Not just go with the flow... everything needs a plan and weather we have to change that plan or fix some things its better than going in and having nothing.

LOL, good luck with all those plan. Things are subject to change in just a 7 month relationship, and often the changes are LIFE changing. I highly recommend just enjoy getting to know each other and see how you feel in a year.

More than likely you two smart young people are still in the very intense honeymoon period and when the dust of the lust fades, the real work of love and commitment begins. Doesn't matter how smart you are or how many plans you make, reality has a way of making you think, and feel differently. You always have to be ready to adjust to what life throws at you. So which one of you is going off to school this fall? Be rough especially if your pregnant, for you both to be in school and afford milk diapers and rent and tuition, and be aware the number one reason for a break up is financial stresses.

Its complicated and half the couple who try this relationship experiment FAIL. Just ask any single mom you know. They had plans too.

Chances are this guy you have been with for 7 months at the age of 17 is not the guy you will be with for the rest of your life.
It is good you two are thinking about what you're going to do if you're pregnant but it is still unrealistic.
The parents don't like you and there is not much you can do about that. But you can not have sex in their home. That is disrespectful.
Has your boyfriend talked to his parents about you, tried to find out why they don't like you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by amandajeanday

And its not that I have a unrealistic idea how things will be, its more that I'm actually trying to plan, and look forward to our future. Not just go with the flow... everything needs a plan and weather we have to change that plan or fix some things its better than going in and having nothing.

Planning is great, but plans need to be realistic and yours are just not realistic. An unrealistic plan is worse than no plan at all.

I'm going to quote Judge Judy here. "I planned to be 5'8", but God had other plans".

Plans are great. I plan to be a millionaire one day. That plan isn't realistic though, but it would be nice.

Yes, you're planning. Instead of planning for a baby, and planning to be together forever (which likely won't happen even if you're not pregnant), you should plan to keep your pants on so there is no chance of pregnancy, go to school, get a degree, find a good job, save, and then, when you're married, have a good job, a home of your own, you can plan to have a child. If you get lucky this time and you're not pregnant, that should be your plan.

If you are pregnant the chances of you and this boy staying together to raise this child, well, lets just say I have a better chance of becoming a millionaire than you do of that happening. You'll be raising that baby by yourself. How will you do that, and go to school, and gt a good job, and everything else you want to do?

I think you have a lot of promise. But I think you also have only a vague understanding of what having your own household entails. At your age and being a 'city' girl that is quite common. Having to do chores and go to school are not the same as being in charge of getting meals on the table starting with making the money to pay for the food and appliances to produce the end result and keeping the house clean plus having to keep a relationship healthy.

At seven months, you only have the basic idea of what it will take to keep a relationship going for years. Having his parents 'dislike' you and his working two jobs and a pregnancy possibility are the tip of a huge iceberg. I do think there is a good chance that the two of you might succeed and have a great future together. But I also think you need to slow down on the intimacy until your plans are farther along. If you aren't pregnant now, then don't take more chances.

At 18, I didn't plan to be a wife and mother. I didn't even know the man who would become my husband until a couple of months before my 19th birthday. By 20, I had a son, married my husband and put my 'plans' on hold to support him by being a wife and mother while he supported our family. No regrets, but it hasn't been easy. There have been thousands of ups and downs over the past 28 years.

There will always be good times and bad, I just want you to have a better foundation built before you have your plans and relationship tested.

Thank you cat. That's the advice I def needed, thank you for having faith in me. And it does mean a lot. And I totally agree with! :) thank you once again