I admire this girl for getting out of a bad relationship with someone who had a drug problem. Probably him getting clean was a last step to see if the relationship would ever work out.

Now that he is clean, he's only been clean a few months, and that is not long enough. But she may very well feel an obligation to re-kindle that relationship, now that he is the man she wanted him to be- clean and sober.

While she is teetering on that slippery slope, and says that she is feeling confused between you and her ex, and doesn't know what to do, you tell her she needs to make her own choice.

To me, that says that you are interested in a relationship with her. If she chooses you, and then you say you don't want a serious relationship, where does that leave her.

While you want to have each date with her, as though it were your last, it sounds like she is on the verge of each date leading to another date, leading to a relationship.

Have you actually told her you aren't interested in a long term relationship? Or that you are not ready to commit to a relationship with her?

I hope you have, because if she chooses you, which you know she is wrestling with right now, and then you speak up, that doesn't seem very honest or fair.

Jake, I did tell her how I just got out of a LTR and still needed to take things slow. She told me she is being cautious too. I think we both need to resolve any problems we have with our ex's.

I know I am being a hypocrite because I said above that I do not want a relationship now. But in the last few days that I have been getting to know her I really have been attracted to many of her qualities. So I do not know if I want to stay single. I really need to take things slow though even though I kind of did something yesterday that I probably shouldn't have.

Which leads me into what Paxe is asking me. We went to a party together with her roommates. We danced, hung out, I met new people, etc... From there we went back to her house with her roommates. We talked for a bit and we all decided to hit the bed. I didn't want to drive back since I still was under the influence. She offered me to sleep over. So I did and one thing led to another. I think you all can paint the rest of the scene. We woke up the next morning and there was no tension between us. I was not awkward and we both had no regrets.

I would definitely keep a friendship stance with this girl. Friendship is way underrated. I would explain to this girl that you would like to hang out, but that considering bith situations, it is not wise to go beyond platonic. That way you can see how things go before any major emotions are present. Don't make her your priority,just keep contact occasionally... and NO kissing.

When you are young, date lots of people before you dive in. I don't think you are the only one of us with a tendency to become involved too quickly. That way you can get to meet more people and have more chance of meeting someone that is compatible with you.

Try not to buy into the old myth that one needs someone to fulfill them/complete them. This is a load of Bull#$%*. All of us needto rely on ourselves for completeness, rather than looking for it outside ourselves, in another person.

I think you are doing better than alotof people in the same situation because you are THINKING about your situation and analysing it, rather than ignoring your doubts and hopingeverything will just be OK. Don't worry... being young is a very confusing time and believe me, it probably only gets clearer by the decade not the year!

Good luck. By the way I think you are a sensitive and insightful person, by no means arrogant, only confused. :-)

Thank you sandalwood for your advice and kind words. I agree with you very much on the fact that I am still young and confused. I am just learning and trying to figure out everything. I am learning some things through experience and other things through trial and error.

Either way I think things will turn out for the best. They always do.

I had not seen your last post (must have been while I was writing mine).

Once you have slept with someone, things change forever.

I would take time out with this girl because you are only going to get hurt. Have a frank conversation with her and be sensitive/notcallous but tell her that this is not a good idea for either of you right nowand you need time apart to chill. Given your tendencies to get involved quickly, I think this is the safest option for you. It is very unlikely that this will work long term if you pursue it now, given that you have just gotten out of a long term relationship (NOT A GOOD FOUNDATION FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP).

Also, from experience, I strongly believe that you need complete distance from your ex for at least a year to be completely over them. You may be able to regain contact with your ex, but only after many years and it will NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. It is not fair that she is contacting you.Tell her to stop doing this.

Be single and get to know yourself a bit better. Enjoy your friends and what they have to offer. I say at least a year. You will be less afraid to be alone and will feel less need to dive into a relationship quickly in the future if you do this experiment.

Your learning something that you should already know, physical intimacy (hugging, kissing, making out, and sex) clouds the judgment, and makes for some intense feeling. Especially when under the influence.

WARNING- This is no time to make big decision about relationships, or feelings. Nothing has changed except the redistribution of body fluids.

Your feeling good, you should be, don't over think this, and figure the intense feeling are love.

Lust wears off, love grows, but I think keeping your wits about you, and staying balanced is the only way to go.

Wonder if she keeps her wits about her too, you'll find out.

Everyone is right and there is little that I can add. You are confused and still young, and there is a lot to learn.

It takes a real complete man to stay single and not be scared of being alone. A real man sticks to his decisions and doesn't change them in a whim.

Take everyone's advice and stick to them. Be single, don't pursue anything. If casual dating will end up in kissing, sex and confusion, then don't date, hang out with girls and boys.

I think we need to distinguish something here. I am fine with being single. I am not dating this new girl because I am afraid to be alone. I am not dating this girl in order to get over my ex. I am genuinely interested in her because of her qualities, personality, etc... You are all right that I should slow down and not rush into anything because it is still to early and I have told this to the new girl. I probably shouldn't have hooked up with this girl either because it only made things messy.

You use the word messy and mostly that s what we get if we jump in too soon. Just allow yourself to get truly over the ex and enjoy life. You have a lot of insight just remember to think with your head.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

I think we need to distinguish something here. I am fine with being single. I am not dating this new girl because I am affraid to be alone. I am not dating this girl in order to get over my ex. I am genuinely interested in her because of her qualities, personality, etc.... You are all right that I should slow down and not rush into anything because it is still to early and I have told this to the new girl. I probably shouldn't have hooked up with this girl either because it only made things messy.

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It's neither a question of slowing down or being genuinely interested in her. It's a matter of really healing and making the right decision, once you get completely over your ex. You have to tell her you can't be with anyone with right now, you will just end up hurting her.

Are you really thinking with your head for this girl? I mean you first said you weren't going to date anyone and needed some time alone. Then you went from that to dating, from dating to kissing, from kissing to sex, then from sex to relationship and you started with "I don't want to be in a relationship now".

It doesn't seem like someone who is composed or in control of his own emotions. You can say whatever you want, but your actions speaks louder than your words.

You are right Paxe. My actions do speak louder then my words.

I sat down with her and talked with her about this relationship. I asked her if we could take things really slow and see what happens from there. I do not want to leave her completely because I do have feelings from her. My mind is not clouded by the hook up or my ex. These feelings are genuine. We have agreed to take things very slow and just see what happens as we get to know each other more. We are hanging out tomorrow and will be cooking dinner together. The other night we watched a movie with her roommates.


I don't know if this is the right thing to do but this is the decision I made. I still have all the freedom to hang out with others and enjoy being single.

Anyone have any advice as to how to move forward in this new relationship without having it turn into a rebound. In what state do I have to be in order to accept a new relationship?

Currently, I have accepted that I am not ever getting back together with my ex. I have accepted that being single is not a bad thing. I know that a relationship is only a bonus to my life and not the main focus. I am even OK with my ex having a new boyfriend even though I think it's a rebound. But either way I do not care. Yes I was hurt when I first heard it but all it took was a little bag punching to get the anger out.

Since you don't want to lose this relationship and it is your decision, take it slow, really really slow. Basically don't give yourself into it or even think about it too much.

That is exactly what I have been telling myself. I tell myself that if we do not end up in a relationship that it will not be the end of the world. I am letting things just happen. I am trying to put most of my focus on my education, family, and martial arts training.

I can relate to that. I had my share since my break up of girls being attracting to me, but I have been concentrating on all those stuff and until now life has been great. You do have the occasional "what if I don't find someone" popping in your head and peer pressure, but you dismiss it and you continue your day. Being single for some time is actually really good.

Yes, being single is not a bad thing. I think right now I am in this mode where I do want to be in relationships. All through high school I was not interested in being in a relationship. I focused mainly on my education and friends. I enjoyed that time to myself. But once I came to college that changed. I really enjoyed being in a relationship. I really do enjoy having an intimate connection with another person. Not having this doesn't make my life worse but it does ad another dimension to my life. Also, since I did not date much in high school this is still a new concept to me and it is one I would like to explore further. I do need to slow down a bit and recover still before starting another relationship but I really like this girl for several reasons.


What I am about to say is very tough for me to explain and I hope it does not get taken the wrong way.

In my past relationship it was all about equality. Great! I am all for equality and would never want to have the upper hand, control, etc... over anyone. But my ex never made me feel like a man because to her everything was equal. She did comment on my strength and masculinity once in a while mostly made me feel inadequate because she felt like she could do everything that I could do. Once again nothing wrong with that but it is the way she carried it out. It feels good for a guy to be needed. Whether it be opening a jar or lifting something heavy. With my ex she always told me she could do it and I should even ask her if she needed help with it. She used to get angry when once in a while I asked if she needed help. I would understand if I asked constantly but that was not the case.

With this new girl she really makes me feel good and makes me feel like a man. Don't get me wrong though. I am not seeking to be macho masculine man. I consider myself metrosexual and fit the double standard well. But sometimes it just feels good to do man things. After all I was born one. But this new girls definitely understands. Whether it be her feeling up my muscles and telling me that I am strong or asking me what is wrong with her car. My ex would have never asked even though she knows that I know how to fix anything on a car. She would figure it out herself and maybe ask later only because she knows that she can't figure it out. Once again there is nothing wrong with that but it is the way she carried it out and made me feel when I offered help.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense but I hope someone understands.

A good partner does make you feel good, yeah we do understand that.

Hahaha you summed up my whole speech in one sentence but that is exactly what I was trying to get at.

Its weird, I am rereading my past posts and I am basically arguing myself and contradicting myself.

At points I say I want to be single and then a few posts later I say I want another relationship.

I say one thing, do another, and change my mind constantly. I am not ready for a relationship yet no matter what I keep saying.

But I do want to see where this current situation is leading too. I think as long as I stay honest with myself and this new girl things will go well. Also, I need to take things slow too. Very slow at that.

Sex has a way of speeding things up, though. Be careful. Nothing makes feelings more intense than good hot sex.

Ask me how I know.

Yes, I agree. No more of that. If I want to genuinely like this girl for who she is I will need to stay away from further intimacy.

I just need to repeat to myself over and over again: SLOW DOWN!!

Yes-babysteps. And the contradictory feelings are normal.

Ok so here is my dilema and I need some advice.

So we went on another date last night and we just took time to talk about each other and get to know each other very well. We both seem very compatible and have many similar outlooks and interests. Today, we had lunch together and she told me how she called her ex and told him that she will not ever get back with him and that he should stop trying to contact her. Basically she broke up with him several months back and told him if he cleaned up his act (stop using drugs) that maybe she would give him a second chance. He did clean up but she still does not want to get back with him because there was more wrong with the relationship than just the drugs. She said that she is ready to continue getting to know me more and possibly entering a relationship.

Here is where I stand. I feel like her and I would get along very well and we could form a great relationship. I do not know right now if I am ready to invest my time into another relationship. I really enjoy the freedom I have right now as a single person. But I also do like this girl and feel like we could have a great relationship. I invested my entire self into the last relationship and lost a part of myself. I do not want for this to happen again. Also, I am afraid of commitment. In my last relationship we had intamacy and passion but no commitment. If I were to be in another relationship I would love to have all three. I do not want to invest my time again and just be heartbroken again just because a girl cannot be committed. I know it is hard for college aged students to be committed but I feel it is an important quality that I seek.

Sounds as though you could both use some non-commital time. What is the harm in just dating without all that serious relationship talk?
And, I could be wrong, but it sounds like your projecting... You can't compare new interests to old. When you do, it taints how you think about the other person. Stunts any growth you could share.
I think you might want some more time... You are still healing.

She might be using you as a rebound. When you enter a relationship, enter it without thinking about the future. Don't project anything. You may well get heartbroken, heck you will get heartbroken, but every time you'll become stronger until you find that right person for you. Tell her, you just want to stay very close friends with her and take it from there. Be slow, very slow.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

Here is where I stand. I feel like her and I would get along very well and we could form a great relationship. I do not know right now if I am ready to invest my time into another relationship. I really enjoy the freedom I have right now as a single person. But I also do like this girl and feel like we could have a great relationship. I invested my entire self into the last relationship and lost a part of myself. I do not want for this to happen again. Also, I am affraid of committment. In my last relationship we had intamacy and passion but no committment. If I were to be in another relationship I would love to have all three. I do not want to invest my time again and just be heartbroken again just because a girl cannot be committed. I know it is hard for college aged students to be committed but I feel it is an important quality that I seek.

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The first part of this paragraph you explain why you KNOW it wouldn't be a good idea to be in a relationship. Listen to yourself. Read your own words and then logically deduct an answer from that.

The second part is all generalizations. It isn't hard to commit in college or being that age. I am not sure who you run across, but give me a break. You constantly talk about the standards you have in regards to relationships and then go on about how you are enjoying the "single" life. I may be wrong here, but I don't see how you have lived the "single" life at all. Agonizing yourself over whether a certain female may be the right one for you months after a devastating breakup doesn't seem like enjoyment.

You are afraid of commitment, yet you demand a female who wants to commit fully to you. You see any sort of contradiction in that? Back off my friend, and enjoy the "single" life as you so proclaim you are doing. No hurry to commit to anything but having fun.

And for future endeavors, let things happen naturally. Not everything is an obvious formula that must be solved. Not everything has an answer that guarantees one way or another your prolonged happiness. Most things in life are a gamble that we have to take a chance on.

KC's so right! There is absolutely no shame in being single for a LONG time. You need to relax on expectations and not think about it too long.

Once again you all are right. But I am not afraid to be single hence why I am having difficulty deciding if I want to stay single or enter a relationship. Right now we both have been just hanging out. We see each other and just talk. We are getting to know each other well. We are not having sex or anything along those lines besides the occasional kiss.

I am also currently under a lot of stress and have started to loose my motivation. Working 3 jobs, 17 credits, clubs, taekwondo, etc... has taken a toll on me. It has happened before and I have over come it before so I know it will get better.

I think this is what I need to do and please let me know if this is the right thing to do.

1.) Take some time off work
2.) Focus on my school work
3.) Keep going slow with this new girl and not commit right away.
4.) Get some sleep
5.) Free up my schedule somehow and stop doing something.
6.) Stop bit***ng

I guess number 6 should come first... Also going out and drinking cost a lot of money, you could cut on one job, and cut expenses. Cut also other activities or even going out with this girl.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you are saying something and doing something else. Can you read what you are saying? You are not afraid of being single, you want to be single, but you don't want to lose her?? I'm sorry but you need to grow some and make some man decision, you're not 17 anymore.

You do know it is wrong what you are doing? Heck, if that was the solution, I would have gone out with tons of girls, but I rejected them ALL. Do the same, stay single. What you need is friends, not a new relationship.

When we come out of a longterm relationship we need quite some time to heal and recover.
It's important that we learn to live with and like ourselves.
Its OK to make new friends but it seems your spending quite some time agonizing over whether you should get together with this new girl when I think you d be doing yourself a favour if you just relaxed and tried to enjoy life-one day at the time.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by paxe

I guess number 6 should come first... Also going out and drinking cost a lot of money, you could cut on one job, and cut expenses. Cut also other activities or even going out with this girl.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you are saying something and doing something else. Can you read what you are saying? You are not afraid of being single, you want to be single, but you don't want to lose her?!?! I'm sorry but you need to grow some and make some man decision, you're not 17 anymore.

You do know it is wrong what you are doing? Heck, if that was the solution, I would have gone out with tons of girls, but I rejected them ALL. Do the same, stay single. What you need is friends, not a new relationship.

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Ok I get it. I keep contradicting myself and changing what I say all the time. Its called reasoning and trying to come up with the best answer. This is all a new experience for me. I have never been in a LTR before this. I never had my heart broken. I am just learning and trying to figure out the right from wrong.

I understand that bro, I've been there also and the pain I've had is... indescribable. It was also my first relationship. The reason I'm harsh with you is that I made mistakes and that led me to extreme pain and what I'm trying to do here is help you out so that you don't pass the same pain. We suffered and learned so that others don't suffer as much when we share our experience.

Ok, so disregard any knowledge you know about me and please just focus on this question alone.

I am kind of confused about dating when it comes to love. With my first love, I immediately, on the first day, fell in love with her and I really do mean "in love." With this new girl I do not feel the same way. I like her a lot and I think we could form a great relationship but I do not have the same feelings I had for my ex. Is this normal? Will those feelings develop over time?

Can someone give me a run down on how the next relationship usually works after your first love. Thank you

Sorry, I just can't forget everything I know about you because this question leads me to give you the same advice...
You are comparing old relationship to perspective new. You are also 'putting the cart before the horse.' First you get to know someone, this takes time. Then if what you learn about that someone is favorable to you, that is when you start to develop feelings. Love is something that grows. Anything that happens on the first date or 'immediately' is called infatuation, or lust. Its not true, lasting, real love.

There is no protocol on how the next relationships work. People are different, hence the difference in experience. First of all, don't worry about not being in love, it's normal it just means you matured a bit and secondly, we can't forget what we know about you and the simple fact you are asking this question shows that you seriously considering a relationship with this girl, which you were against to begin with.

Just a recipe for more pain.

So I guess according to your post I must have been infatuated with my ex at first and then in love later on.

I am not comparing the two and I have been very good about not comparing the two. But I am just confused because I do not have the same feelings that I had before and was wondering if that is what is suppose to happen. That is all.

Technically yes, "love" is such a strange concept. Love is something very strong, like a bond between brothers, or father to son, or mother to daughter.

It is more than normal to not have the same feelings, you have more experience and can be more rational about this... on certain levels.

So you're actually going to have a relationship with this girl?

This is comparing... You are compairing how you felt then to now. "I do not have the same feelings"
I could seem like I'm 'spliting hairs' here but Im really not. I just want you to listen to yourself...
Falling in love, real love, is a unique, personalized situation. I don't think anyone can tell you what is suppose to happen. Nor should you be skipping ahead by wondering...
Seems you are intent on, living in the past, or obsessing on the future. The real living is right now, this moment. Yes, as you read these words. Realize this, and you may enjoy the journey of real life, real love.

I am living in the now and doing my best not to compare.

I was just curious hence why I am asking. I am not dwelling on it. I am asking because I am not experienced in LTR. This is my second one or will be if that is what happens. I only dated before casually.

I am studying to be a psychologist and tend analyze everything.

You just don't seem to understand... Just the words "Long Term Relationship" should not be in your vocabulary right now...
Maybe you should analyse why you are so intent on being in a rebound situation.

All right, I am using the wrong vocabulary. Sorry!
I specifically asked not to bring in the current situation into this discussion.

I feel like I am capable enough to understand and know when I am in a rebound relationship. How do I know if I am ready to be in another relationship?

1.) I am done mourning
2.) I have accepted the fact that she is never coming back nor would I like her to come back.
3.) She is rebounding with another guy and I do not have a problem with it.
4.) I see her 2-3 times a week due to having the same class and I do not talk to her at all. When she approaches me I keep things short and simple.
5.) I have thrown away and put away everything she gave me. Deleted her phone number, Facebook, etc..
6.) When I think of the two of us, I think of the good times as well as the bad times. I cherish the good times, and realize why we are not compatible by looking at the bad things.
7.) I accept the fact that being single is OK
8.) I have gone out on dates with other women and did not immediately try to form anything more than a friendship
9.) I am dating this woman because I enjoy her qualities, we have many similar interests, and I am very compatible with her.


I can keep going if you want me to. I think you need to understand that some people move on faster than others. I have a great support system (parents, friends, mentors, AMHD, etc.. ) and this is what helped me move on fast.

Also, I have told her that I would like to take it slow because I do not want to enter the relationship with baggage. She understands and feels the same way. We are very open about our past relationships and are very cautious. We are not rushing into anything and we are thinking clearly with our brains, not hearts, or the other brain in the pants.

Sorry, thought she might be the one rebounding... I'll stop.