Ok guys, here's an update on last night:

We met up around 8pm as planned, and I take her to this sushi place I used to go to a lot in my undergrad years and we order a few rolls and talk about school, work, etc. This girl came with an appetite, which was awesome, but I also came with a budget, so I kept it under $50... haha. After sushi, we walk for a little bit and go to this dessert place and order some cheesecake... good stuff.

So after we eat, we're walking around Harvard Square and I take her into the campus and up to the library steps where we kind of sat there and people watched while talking about various aspects of our childhoods, how growing up in the West coast is so different from the East, etc. We start kissing and making out and all the Harvard students are wishing they could be as fly as I am.

I ask her if she wants to get going, so we go back to her place. Her room mate was sleeping so we couldn't watch TV, so we go into her room, sit on her bed, and start talking about random stuff again. She's kind of cuddled up to me, stroking my leg, etc, everything is good. We start making out again, getting all hot and heavy like last weekend and she jumps off me real quick and dims the light and says, "well now, since I'm having you over, we don't need these bright lights now, do we?"

I knew those words were trouble, so I kind of toned it down a bit. That didn't work. She takes of her shirt and sticks her chest right into my face, so I'm kissing on her and stuff and really starting to want to bang her.

... but I didn't... call me ghey.

So I slowed down the pace of things, and instead of all out making out, I just kind of kissed her forehead, etc and we just laid there until 2am, and I drove home.

She asked me to go salsa dancing with her on Saturday, and made me promise to stay over Sat night... I agreed.

Sounds like a good night right? But I am getting confused and worried. I mean, what does this girl want? Does she only want to have sex? I kind of wish she'd go a bit slower... I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable. She acts like she wants to be girlfriend material... she's unbelievably affectionate and romantic, yet she keeps pushing for sex.

All jokes and insults aside, am I just too prude? Is this how dating works when you're 22? One month and boom, you're supposed to have sex? I wasn't planning on making out with her until 2 months into it...

There arnt many guys like you about ;)
And I mean that in a very good way

I've just never been the type of guy who is interested only in sex. It's weird, but if you gave me a choice between spending a night in bed with a girl, or a night out in town with that same girl, I'd pick the night out in town. Not to say that I'm a hopeless romantic or whatever, and I certainly don't think life is like a movie, but I just... I don't know, I like to really get to know someone, and feel a genuine emotional connection before I can make that physical connection.

This girl is just really making things hard for me, considering the fact that I'm coming out of a 6-year relationship. Believe it or not, but I've already learned a lot about myself, and am more comfortable in my own skin, by myself. I don't need anybody to be happy.

I like her though... and for some strange reason, she's really into me. I've never had a girl show so much interest in me in such a short period. Maybe it's a combination of semi-low self esteem, lack of experience, or whatever, but she makes me feel uncomfortable... like I'm the girl who's being rushed...

All I want to do when I stay over Saturday night is cuddle up, stay up talking, and fall asleep together... that's it. I really don't want to do anything sexual for a long time... I don't know why, just is. I want to take her to NYC in a few weeks or maybe hiking because she's from cali and she's never been to New York or the east coast for that matter.

With my previous girlfriend, I didn't kiss her for 2 months, and we didn't have sex until 2 years into the relationship (we were both 19 when we first did it). It's not that I don't have a sex drive... I do. I'm just not someone who wants to screw every girl that comes my way. I have more respect for people than that.

That's very nice, at least you show a great deal of respect for the opposite sex.
Probably you may be comparing this girl with your ex. I could be wrong, but we are all individuals.

Are you maybe scared of having sex with another 'new' women?

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Originally Posted by Krs

Thats very nice, at least you show a great deal of respect for the opposite sex.
Probably you may be comparing this girl with ur ex. I could be wrong, but we are all individuals.

Are you maybe scared of havin sex with another 'new' women?

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I'm not scared of sex. I'm not scared of sex with new women. That isn't the case here.

I just don't feel "right". It's almost like I couldn't live with myself if I just went out and did that. Granted, women have needs like men, and sometimes a woman just wants those needs met, but I still can't help to think of the fact that every girl is someone's sister, daughter, or future wife, and even if the girl wants a guy she hardly knows to have sex with her, I don't want to be that guy... I'd rather let someone else do it and have it on their concience.

Am I weird? Or just overly nice?

I do want to have sex with this girl... I think it would be great. But I think it'll be phenomenal if we had more of an emotional connection beforehand.

Of course I compare this girl to my ex, but not substantially. I'll think little things like, oh, this girl eats red meat and fish... my ex didn't. This girl likes to go to the gym... my ex didn't. Stuff like that. But in general, I tend to go for the same type of girls, so they all end up being somewhat similar.

This girl is the closest I've ever been to reaching my ideal... she's a brunette, just a little shorter than me, very smart, well educated (went to great schools), athletic, very talkative, loves to eat... it's awesome so far. Of course, she'll have flaws but so far so good.

Well pattie I think you have something to work on yourself before going with another person. According to you:

This girl is just really making things hard for me, considering the fact that I'm coming out of a 6-year relationship. Believe it or not, but I've already learned a lot about myself, and am more comfortable in my own skin, by myself. I don't need anybody to be happy.

If there's something that is holding you then don't pursue. I'm quite confused with you it seems like you are not either sure what you want. You seem more untrustworthy towards anybody or vice versa. You can't just want a girl and let them do and fulfill your wishes. They have emotions and common sense too. I think you just expect too much. Like I do. We should both work on that. It's hard to limit your options though once you have that certain goal. That's why I always wanted to get married young because I'm hopelessly devoted romantic girl.

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Originally Posted by mysticque

well pattie I think you have something to work on yourself before going with another person. according to you:

This girl is just really making things hard for me, considering the fact that I'm coming out of a 6-year relationship. Believe it or not, but I've already learned alot about myself, and am more comfortable in my own skin, by myself. I don't need anybody to be happy.

if there's something that is holding you then don't pursue. I'm quite confused with you it seems like you are not either sure what you want. You seem more untrustworthy towards anybody or vice versa. You can't just want a girl and let them do and fulfill your wishes. They have emotions and common sense too. I think you just expect too much. Like I do. We should both work on that. It's hard to limit your options tho once you have that certain goal. That's why I always wanted to get married young coz I'm hopelessly devoted romantic girl.

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There's nothing holding me back. This girl and I both want the same thing... it's just that she's a lot more aggressive than I could ever be.

The thing is, if she just wants to have sex with me and be over it, I'm not going to do that. She can find some other random guy at a bar.

I just want to take things slower and go out on more dates and just talk more about ourselves and learn more. I don't quite know who she is yet, so I can't really tell if I like HER, or just like the novelty of the situation. See, this is why I want to go real slow... so I can feel things out and understand what it is I'm feeling, and what it is that I want.

She's just rushing me into these decisions that I'm not ready to make.

Is there any way I can ask her to slow things down without losing her interest?

Actions speak louder than words and if you are less available especially at her house or her bedroom then she really cannot do a lot of physical stuff now can she. Moving at your own pace means that you take control of the how, why, and where and balancing your life is a priority now so do so and cut the physical contact down with this female. I applaud you for being who you are and checking things out for more than just a booty call but you must also be honest and find out what she wants, really wants . She may just want your body. Talk and communicate but watch the situations she puts you in.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Actions speak louder than words and if you are less available especially at her house or her bedroom then she really cannot do a lot of physical stuff now can she. Moving at your own pace means that you take control of the how, why, and where and balancing your life is a priority now so do so and cut the physical contact down with this female. I applaud you for being who you are and checking things out for more than just a booty call but you must also be honest and find out what she wants, really wants . She may just want your body. Talk and communicate but watch the situations she puts you in.

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Heh, well I'm glad 2 years of serious working out and 40 pounds of extra muscle mass has had its effect!

I doubt she wants me for my body... she hasn't even seen it yet. I haven't taken any clothes off for her, etc. But yeah, it takes two to tango, and I am guilty of willingly placing myself in "bad" situations.

She likes you. Maybe you should hang out with her a few more times, see how she acts with other guys. And don't fret about not kissing her, from a female point of view, it would intrigue me even more. And it would also say that you had some respect. Good luck! ;)

So this past weekend, I hung out with this girl again, and had an awesome time. We went out to dinner with her friends, (it was me and about 8-10 other girls- I felt like a pimp ahha) and then dancing afterwards at a ballroom dance club... I've always been into ballroom dancing... call me strange.

Anyway,

We got back to her place around midnight and got ready for bed, did the whole making out thing we've been doing so far, and stopped to talk after an hour or so...

We had a serious conversation about what we expected of each other, and I brought up how I felt kind of uncomfortable with her since I felt she was rushing things and we also talked about my ex! I didn't go into detail, but I did tell the truth. I told her that my ex and I were basically a high school thing taken too far for the sake of comfort. The hardest part of the whole conversation was when we were lying there with her head on my chest and she looks at me and says "i don't think i'm ready to be your rebound girl" and I couldn't look at her after she said that so I just stared off into the wall and told her "you won't ever have to be ready to do that...i promise i won't hurt you"... then she says, "but you will...it's just a matter of time"

That part of the conversation really sucked. I really don't want to hurt this girl, but to be honest, I don't know if I can be 100% certain I won't. She also told me that she's getting attached to me and that she really likes me.

We fell asleep around 2, but woke up early the next morning and messed around some more, this time going as far as touching each other "down there" and she asked me "are you comfortable?" and I said yes, and that made me feel really good that she understood how I wanted to go slow.

The next morning we walked to the grocery store and bought some food and I made breakfast for her and her suite mates. She paid for the food since I paid for dinner the other night, so in that regard, I think she's pretty cool. The whole paying thing got us into a discussion about chivalry which I thought was pretty funny.

She says I'm different than most guys because I asked her the question, "how are you feeling right now? tell me what you're thinking about" she said most guys never ask a question like that. OH well.

It seems to me that its going pretty smoothly, which is grand.

You are talking and communicting with no other in which this will prove that you are getting to know each other the best way you can.

I would take things slowly, now that you both know where you stand, keep things the way they are, and I think all should be fine ;)

Looks like your having fun ,but do not neglect other parts of your life and every now and then step back and take an honest look at where you are. Where you want to be.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Looks like your having fun ,but do not neglect other parts of your life and every now and then step back and take an honest look at where you are. where you want to be.

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Oh yes, that's the other thing we talked about. We both agreed that our own lives and careers came first. She basically told me that her course work is the only thing holding her back from "giving all she wants to give" in a relationship with me.

I cannot be in a relationship right now for different reasons, but I like how this girl has her head on straight and knows her priorities as do I. This was a funny/wierd conversation but we also talked about how we know so many people getting married already and neither of us want marriage in our lives until we're 30. Kind of a strange conversation to be having, but it was cool how we agreed on so many aspects of life.

By Pat-

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I cannot be in a relationship right now for different reasons,

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If its not a relationship (sounds like it is) it certainly seems to be the beginnins of one. Don't freak though, many longtime ones start like this. (mine did):)

Slow and steady.:D

Val and Tal- Tried to rate you for the outstanding responses you are giving to Pat, just outstanding!

Pat, you keep saying over and over that you are not looking to get into a relationship, but you kind of already are, aren't you? And if you aren't looking to get into a relationship, than why worry about what steps to take next? She is occupying more time, effort and emotion than you care to admit, and that would be okay if you weren't 2 months out of long term relationship. She also seems to act contrary to what she has said, she is taking it a little fast too. I know if feels good, and fun, but slow down. Take a good hard look at who and what you're getting into. Prioritize your life and if its meant to be, she will fall into place, you won't have to worry about what to do next because it will come naturally.

Couldn't rep mom but YES.

I have been trying to express this to pat all along here.
I want him to really assess if he is ready. Are you ready pat. You keep saying you aren't ready for a relationship but you are doing everyhting you can to start one really.

Im not trying to be negative. Who knows if you do go further this girl she may one day be your wife.

But right now you don't sound so sure about anything. You are confused and scared. Which you should be.

I still can't believe that after 2 MONTHS after a 6 YEAR relationship that your OK to go again.

WOW, I'm 6 months out of a 7 year thing and no where near being ready. My life is good, I'm getting happier and I'm learning to love myself again but I'm not readu for someone else to love me. Not yet.

Please think about things long and hard so you don't hurt her and you. After all you said it yourself. You are already doubting yourself and thinking that you are going to hurt her.

If I do hurt her, it won't be because I go back to my ex, or wish to go back to her. If I hurt it, it will be because I realize one day that I still want to be single and date around.

About my ex...

I haven't posted much about her, but I really don't think about her much anymore. I didn't think of her at all, even before I met this new girl. I basically went through a period (1 month) of severe withdrawl, and then, all was clear and done.

It's funny, but a breakup with my ex was what I wanted all along. It's been like a breath of fresh air. I did a lot of thinking, and realized that I stopped loving her after 2 years together, and we simply hung on for comfort and fear of hurt and being alone.

I enjoy being alone, but it's fun to date around and make a surface level connection with another person. For a month, this is what I did- I met a girl at a club, and I met this girl through a friend when we helped her move.

This girl just happened to grow on me. I was already in a stable and happy state, emotionally and mentally free of my ex. Thus, I opened up and talked to this girl. The more we talked, the more I started to like her.

I really like this girl now. We have so much in common, and she has the looks and morals I'm looking for. I never thought I'd say this, but my friends were right when they told me my ex wasn't perfect and that I could find someone better. It has already happened.

The thing I'm scared of is simply if I'm ready to be with one person again, or if I still need to go out there and explore. Currently, if you compare myself now to myself before, I am exploring- I'm exploring this new girl. But pretty soon, this new girl will want me to stop exploring her and settle with her, and stop exploring in general. This is where I think I may run into problems.

I've never been the type to have one night stands, so even if I didn't get into a relationship with this girl, I'd probably do the same thing I've been doing with her with another nice girl I meet. I generally go for a certain type, and any one of these types of girls can be a great match for me... thougn they are hard to come by.

This whole situation has simply been shocking, surprising, emotional, and beautiful. It's happened fast, but it feels right.

But one thing I know for sure is that I've moved on from my ex. Before I met this girl, I tried listening to our song and looking at our pictures and nothing happened. No emotions... just, good memories.

Pat, I only had to read your first line. Didn't need to read the rest about the ex.
I haven't for a minute suggested that you will want to go back to the ex. Not once. What I mean is that after along relationship of 6 years, people need time to grieve. They need time to get over it and learn about themselves and who they are. You need to reflect for a period I feel.

And YES, you need time to be single and date around. YES. That is what I have been trying to get at.
NOT that you will go back to the ex.

But if you feel that this is right and your ready than I will go with you.

I have just wanted you to consider the fact that you might not be ready to jump straight back in. You might need a little time to yourself.

After all you did come here saying how confused you were about your feelings because it was happening so quick.

We were only trying to offer suggestions as to why you might be feeling that and as Tal and Val also said it could be because you are jumping straight back in and moving to fast from relationship to relastionship.

There comes a time in every MAN'S life that he MUST make a decision and stand by it NO matter what else happens. When you do reach that point... Nothing else will matter except what you have to do.

Ok, so I've been seeing this girl for about a month now and we really have great chemistry. In the beginning (my earlier posts) she wanted to hook up with me. It all began when she asked me to go home with her one night after we both attended a party, and I basically refused her advances 3-4 times and treated her with respect.

Well, as time went on, and we went on more and more dates, she confessed to me that she has feelings for me now and really likes me. That's good, because I like her a lot too. So, this past weekend, I was ready for sex, because I felt comfortable around her and after a month of getting to know her, I felt that it would be OK. So I tell her this when we're messing around on Sat night and she says no!!

I was like, "huh?"

She told me that now it's different because she has feelings for me and she doesn't want to get hurt. This doesn't make any sense because she obviously had no problems hooking up with 2 guys before me, and now I go out of my way and am better and nicer than the other guys and I can't get sex?

Someone please explain what's going on here.

Take your time bro - it's OK? You should respect her and what she says. You'll get yours IF you're cool about it.

There is nothing wrong with respecting her wish... you don't want her toregret it, right? Take your time you have plenty of time to get your freak on! :) If you show her you are willing to wait and respect her wish to not have sex right away, She will get more comfortable with you! Show her you won't hurt her take it slow! Enjoy her! With guys sex is sex! With girls sex could be two things:
1) just sex (never as good as lovemaking)
2) lovemaking (sex with emothions or feelings)
If she likes you then you are going to have to show her that it would be a good decision to have sex with you not a mistake!
Treat her wth respect and you should be just fine!


I know I know Girls are extremely hard to learn but you will get it through experience!

What are you confused about? You said you respect her so go with the program and wait till she is ready. I suspect that you were ready and she wasn't, so slow down and be the gentlemen you say you are. She cares and doesn't want you to hurt her. She see's you as a future boyfriend ,not a roll in the sack, or a one night stand. If you can't handle it then be a man and move on now before you reek havoc on her life, or yours.

That doesn't really make sense...

Anyone would think she would be even happier to have sex with someone she actually likes, it really does make the whole process FEEL better!!

Its strange, because she's showing two very different sides, one that is the characteristics of a one night stander, casual sex, don't need feelings to feel comfortable, and the other is of a very "commited" person, who doesn't want to get hurt?! By having sex with someone who she feels might leave her afterwards... doesn't really makes sense.

All I can think is that if she was comfortable enough to have sex casually, and then not when feelings are involved, she's either VERY into you, and REALLY doesn't want you to leave (but why would you?)...

Or she heard a rumour you had Chlamydia or something.

Actually it does make sense in a strange way. She wanted to be with you right away, she was not looking for a relationship then, just someone to "hook up with" (as you guys say it now).

Now that she is having feelings she would like the same respect you gave her in the beginning. She may feel that you are treating her as a "lady" and not just another piece of meat. From your post that she was able to hook up with the last 2 guys it sounds as though they were either one-night-stands or VERY short relationships.

You are doing the right thing. You were not ready in the beginning, she is slowing down now. You have plenty of time to explore each other in the future. Just go with the flow for now.

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Originally Posted by ndx

That doesnt really make sence....

Anyone would think she would be even happier to have sex with someone she actually likes, it really does make the whole process FEEL better !!!!!

Its strange, because shes showing two very different sides, one that is the characteristics of a one night stander, casual sex, dont need feelings to feel comfortable, and the other is of a very "commited" person, who doesnt want to get hurt?!?!? by having sex with someone who she feels might leave her afterwards... doesnt really makes sence.

All I can think is that if she was comfortable enough to have sex casually, and then not when feelings are involved, shes either VERY into you, and REALLY doesnt want you to leave (but why would you?)....

or she heard a rumour you had Chlamydia or something.

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I understand this train of thought, but it still doesn't seem logical to me. I mean, all of a sudden she has feelings for me so she doesn't want sex? You'd think it'd be the opposite?

Whatever, I don't really care about sex, its just that this caught me by surprised and made me develop a huge question mark over my head... lol.

Its not that she doesn't want sex, she is unsure if you'll respect her the next day. Or worse case she is luring you into her web. You know her better than we do so you will have to be the judge.

You can't think with logic. Doesn't work that way.
This isn't a bad thing. This is good.
Show her the same respect for her wishes as she showed you at the begginning.
She sounds like a good girl in a lot of ways so respect her.
If you can't do that then what I have thought all along may be true. You aren't ready for a relationship yet!

Sorry but ill take a lot of convincing that after a 6 year relationship ending 2 months ago that you are ready to have another. I hope you can prove me wrong!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Its not that she doesn't want sex, she is unsure if you'll respect her the next day. Or worse case she is luring you into her web. You know her better than we do so you will have to be the judge.

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Luring me into her web? What do you mean by that? I mean, if she has bad intentions, what could they possibly be?

We don't know what her bad intentions could be... you know her and we don't.

Like T-Man said

"You know her better than we do, so you will have to be the judge."

You've been too much of a nice guy. Too much of a good thing is bad for relationships. In the future, don't refuse her advances if that's what you want. On the other hand, don't act like you want it so much, either. Make her pursue you. Don't plead with or cajole her but don't be stone cold either. At this point, just play it by ear. When she gives you signals that she's ready, go along with it.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

You've been too much of a nice guy. Too much of a good thing is bad for relationships. In the future, don't refuse her advances if that's what you want. On the other hand, don't act like you want it so much, either. Make her pursue you. Don't plead with or cajole her but don't be stone cold either. At this point, just play it by ear. When she gives you signals that she's ready, go along with it.

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Exactly what I'm thinking.

See, maybe it was a good thing that I refused sex earlier, because I liked her and wanted to get to know her better than just a random girl I had a one nighter with. By refusing her, I think I may have tripped the alarm in her head that says "this guy is different" and now she's changing her game too.

It does seem like we're heading towards a relationship and I'm OK with that. We have really good chemistry.

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

I understand this train of thought, but it still doesn't seem logical to me. I mean, all of a sudden she has feelings for me so she doesn't want sex? You'd think it'd be the opposite?

Whatever, I don't really care about sex, its just that this caught me by surprised and made me develop a huge question mark over my head...lol.

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Really, I think it's just the usual psychological dynamic happening here, of wanting what you can't have.

In the beginning, she was coming on hot and heavy and he was restraining himself. That made her want it even more and come on all the more strongly. Now that he's indicated a desire to "go all the way", she suddenly backs off because now that it's available to her she doesn't want it, at least not as much as she did. That's why we keep constantly telling people here to back off and give space when they sense things are going sour in their relationships. The absence makes the heart grow fonder and serves to motivate the party that had previously been slacking. Suddenly interest level perks back up and things get brighter (assuming that the jilted party still wants the relationship to work out.) I think the same basic dynamic applies here. If she's backing off, then he needs to back off and make her miss him. That will probably light a fire under her, causing her to become more assertive and far less aloof. I know it sounds ironic, but to borrow Wildcat's expression, less truly is more.

Back off as in when I'm with her in bed? Like, tease her and just say "oh I'm tired...can we go to sleep?"

Or do you mean back off in general? I know it's never a good thing to smother someone, especially in the early stages of dating. It obviously kills all feelings of intrigue and mystery... I know this.

... which is why I'm taking a break from her this weekend. We've hung out 4 weekends in a row... I'm taking this one off to chill with some guy friends, and then the next weekend, we're going to New York for a day trip.

BTW, the other thing I need to know is how much is enough, and how much is too much, in terms of seeing/talking to each other at this early stage.

I've made it almost like a rule (for myself) to limit our visits to the weekends. Our weekends usually begin with me going to her place Sat evening and I spend the night and we hang out with mutual friends on Sunday. During the week, we talk on AIM 2-3 times and on the phone once.

Do you guys think this is too little? Too much? I feel like it might be too much, but who knows... there aren't really defined rules to this. I just want to keep that mystery alive between us.

I figured I'd ask this question in this section rather than in relationships since more of you may have asked this question yourselves.

I've been seeing this girl for a little over a month now, and we've been spending the weekends together. I'll go over her place Saturday evening and we'll go out for dinner, dancing, or whatever, and I'll stay over and chill with her for most of Sunday, and leave around 3 or 4pm.

During the week, we'll talk on the phone once, and chat online 2-3 times. I want to make sure I take things slow, and am a bit concerned that I may be allowing this to move too fast. I want to keep her interested, and keep myself mysterious I guess... haha.

When we do spend time together on the weekends, it's great. We never run out of things to say or do, and the interest level is high. She always initiates our online convos, and I make sure to end them at their peak, or end them after 15-20 min.

Am I doing good? Too much?

There are a few people on these boards who are familiar now with my situation, but I'd like to hear some fresh voices too from this section.

I think your way off 'too much' I've been seeing a guy for nearly 3 months and we have less contact with each other than you two do.. I personally would like it to be a bit more but guess I have to be patient and wait and see if he wants the same things from this as me.

So anyway.. after a month of seeing each other I think the amount of contact/time spent together is spot on.

No that's good for now.

But pulling back never hurt anyone. Gving too much always did.

It's good you'll be away. Don't call her 5 times each day.

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Originally Posted by ladymuck

I think ur way off 'too much' ive been seeing a guy for nearly 3 months and we have less contact with each other than you two do.. i personally would like it to be a bit more but guess i have to be patient and wait n see if he wants the same things from this as me.

So anyway.. after a month of seeing each other i think the amount of contact/time spent together is spot on.

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How often do you see/contact your guy?

The only thing that bothers me a bit is sleeping over her place every weekend. I've already seen her change and get ready, seen her come out of the shower, etc. It's a bit too much in my opinion. But the problem is that she lives a bit far away, so when I do go out there, I kind of have to stay over unless I want to drive home at 2am which would suck.

Whenever your neglecting other parts of your life to be under a female then its time to back off. I've been married 32 yeears and my wife is part of my life, she is not my life. Never put another on a higher pedestal than the one your on. Life must be balanced to be a good life and you need to know how to keep it that way.