Ask Me Help Desk - I like a girl who has a boyfriend.

UPDATE:

This completely caught me off guard and it seems way too good to be true. I found out last night that she changed her status on Facebook. She took her link with her boyfriend off. So now that part is blank, as in nothing in the status section. As for the boyfriend, it still says "In a relationship" but with no one linked to it. I guess he has to change that part off himself.

I don't want to get my hopes up or get ahead of myself because I haven't gotten any news from her directly. Just to be cautious, is it possible that she suddendly decided to hide her relationship of 1.5 year?

As for me, I think I will just continue to talk to her normally as if I knew nothing. If she does confirm it one day, I know that I can only be her friend for a while because I don't want to be her rebound...

Anything else I need to keep in mind about?

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Originally Posted by I wish

UPDATE:

This completely caught me off guard and it seems way too good to be true. I found out last night that she changed her status on Facebook. She took her link with her boyfriend off. So now that part is blank, as in nothing in the status section. As for the boyfriend, it still says "In a relationship" but with no one linked to it. I guess he has to change that part off himself.

I don't want to get my hopes up or get ahead of myself because I haven't gotten any news from her directly. Just to be cautious, is it possible that she suddendly decided to hide her relationship of 1.5 year?

As for me, I think I will just continue to talk to her normally as if I knew nothing. If she does confirm it one day, I know that I can only be her friend for a while because I don't want to be her rebound...

Anything else I need to keep in mind about?

Well, if it is changed on Facebook, then it must be official, someone alert the press... :rolleyes:

Dude, you sound like an absolute creeper right now... listen to yourself. You would be a rebound IF she decided to come to you AFTER she broke up with her boyfriend. Get your thumb out of your a$$ and quit acting like a freaking dog... your tail is wagging after reading her "status" on FB isn't it??

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

UPDATE:

This completely caught me off guard and it seems way too good to be true. I found out last night that she changed her status on Facebook. She took her link with her boyfriend off. So now that part is blank, as in nothing in the status section. As for the boyfriend, it still says "In a relationship" but with no one linked to it. I guess he has to change that part off himself.

I don't want to get my hopes up or get ahead of myself because I haven't gotten any news from her directly. Just to be cautious, is it possible that she suddendly decided to hide her relationship of 1.5 year?

As for me, I think I will just continue to talk to her normally as if I knew nothing. If she does confirm it one day, I know that I can only be her friend for a while because I don't want to be her rebound...

Anything else I need to keep in mind about?

Your falling for the Demon of FALSE HOPE!!

As much as I love Facebook, it is the absolute worst thing ever for people recovering from a breakup and those wanting something they can't or shouldn't have.

Just leave the girl alone and let her make up her own mind.

Seriously. That's the best thing to do!

Any updates I wish?

UPDATE:

First off, I wanted to thank everyone for their help. I really took everyone's opinion into consideration, as appreciative as I may have sounded.

About a week ago, she confirmed with me that she broke up with her boyfriend. She also told me that she hasd a job interview for a job in my city (we live 2 hours away). As she is already aware of my feelings, I didn't want to be the rebound guy (I didn't say this, but I was thinking it). So I told her that I was going to give her "time and space before contacting her again. But that I will be there for her if she just wanted to talk to a regular friend."

Instead, she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend for mutiple reasons and one of the reasons was that she wanted to concentrate on her studies and that I should not waste my time on her anymore. She told me to focus on my career and that she hopes to stay friends.

That was the last straw. It is still extremely painful and I'm trying my best to move on. I've never felt so much pain... I've even had two medium-term relationships (2 years and 3 years) and like quite a number of other girls, but I've never been so hurt and we've never even been together. Is this even possible?

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Originally Posted by I wish

Instead, she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend for mutiple reasons and one of the reasons was that she wanted to concentrate on her studies and that I should not waste my time on her anymore. She told me to focus on my career and that she hopes to stay friends.

Ooohh, that's a chill wind blowin', man! How considerate of her to be concerned about a waste of YOUR time!

Actually, she did the honorable thing to make it clear that she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you, boyfriend or no boyfriend. You should thank her for that.

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That was the last straw.

The sooner you really accept this, the sooner you'll start to heal. Illusions lose their power when they're accepted for what they are. She's not that into you, man. Sorry.

Yes, these asymmetric obsessions are a b!tch, it's true, but they seem to be a nearly universal human experience. I take that to mean they're a necessary part of our emotional education for adulthood. Suck it up, kid. Honestly, you'll be fine and I wish you well.

The way you put it, is it even worth being friends with her?

It's such a sad and pathetic feeling right now... I'm sure in time I will heal. Like I said, everything else in my life seems to be going all right. I know that I can't let one girl bring me down like this. But does it ever feel horrible.

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I wish;1612164, The way you put it, is it even worth being friends with her?

Don't even think about that, until you have gotten past this whole situation, however long it takes.

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It's such a sad and pathetic feeling right now...

I agree, break ups thoroughly suck!

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I'm sure in time I will heal.

Absolutely!!

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Like I said, everything else in my life seems to be going all right. I know that I can't let one girl bring me down like this.

That's something to remember. Even as you have those dark days, know the sun will shine again.

Thanks for your support.

This pain I'm feeling is outrageous. When we feel depressed, we feel pessimistic about every aspect of our lives. But I'm only feeling this way about the girl, like I said, every thing else in my life is going pretty well. So all the pain is concentrated on her, so it's really really really INTENSE. I can't even think of words to describe this feeling.

I don't know how to tone the intensity down. It makes no sense whatsoever. Where is the off switch?

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Originally Posted by I wish

is it even worth being friends with her?

It's such a sad and pathetic feeling right now... .

If you want those sad and pathetic feelings to hang around then be friends with her now , if you want those feelings to pass , best to get her out of your life until you have fully healed.

Just takes time I'm afraid. Good Luck!

I took the high road and I'm willing to be friends with her, because I rather her be part of my life somehow. But I know that I'll have to make sure that my feelings for her are gone before we can actually be friends right?

Her job interview is today and if she gets the job, she will be in the same city as me. It's easier to get over someone if they are farther away. (I'm sure half of you will tell me to only worry about it "IF" she gets the job).

Getting over her has been the toughest thing I've ever done. I'm able to accept that she used to have a boyfriend, that there's probably plenty of guys jumping at her now and that she probably might even like someone else. It's easy to block out those thoughts cause she's 2 hours away.

But it's going to be 10 times tougher if she's in the same city. I'll be so tempted to hang out with her, my feelings will rush back and I'm going to have to refuse to see her? This is going to destroy me...

Guess what, most people live in the same city with their ex. I do, and a ton of others do, so please don't use that as an excuse. The key to this is controlling your own actions. It isn't about worry, it is about actions. Worrying is just wasted emotion, but hard to control nonetheless. Actions, how you cope with your worrying, is a totally different thing. She could live a block away from you, and it wouldn't matter. The harder you focus on yourself, the easier and faster this will go.

You can get through this if you want to... if you are actually willing put forth the effort to. I am, unfortunately, not sure that you really want to however. Seems to me you are giving her way too much credit for your actions, and way too much control over them.

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Originally Posted by I wish

I took the high road and I'm willing to be friends with her, because I rather her be part of my life somehow. But I know that I'll have to make sure that my feelings for her are gone before I can actually be friends right?

Her job interview is today and if she gets the job, she will be in the same city as me. It's easier to get over someone if they are farther away. (I'm sure half of you will tell me to only worry about it "IF" she gets the job).

Getting over her has been the tougher thing. I've been able to accept that she used to have a bf, that there's probably plenty of guys jumping at her now and that she probably might even like someone else. It's easy to block out those thoughts cause she's 2 hours away.

But it's going to be 10 times tougher if she's in the same city. I'll be so tempted to hang out with her, my feelings will rush back and I'm going to have to refuse to see her? This is going to destroy me...

I feel for you, I really do, because I've been there. But I got to tell you, the first step to getting beyond this is to face up to the reality that this experience is something YOU are inflicting on YOURSELF, and has nothing AT ALL to do with HER. As long as you cling to the illusion that anything at all depends on HER, and what SHE feels about whom, you will suffer, and there's no help for it.

I know, I know, you aren't ready to stop suffering yet, and you'll have to do it till you're done just like everybody else, but when you ARE ready to stop, you know what to do first.

I was talking to a few friends and they all agree that she did not close the door on me completely. The funny thing is, none of those friends know each other, they're giving me advice separately. They all think that she just needs time to find herself again. Her ex boyfriend dragged her down, so she really has to work hard independently.

I have no problem giving her space. I am aware that all of this could just be an excuse that she just doesn't like me at all. But she just broke up a few weeks ago.

I feel like I should wait a few months and try again. During this time, I'll make sure to keep our contact to a minimum and meet new people. I won't put my life on hold for her, but I'm just not ready to give up on her either. Does this seem ridiculous?

Seems like you are contradicting yourself... you will "wait a few months" and then try again... but you won't put your life on hold for her??

Repeat that, and tell me if that makes any sense at all.

I repeated it, and even on a Monday morning after a crap of sleep weekend it doesn't make ANY sense to me. Then again putting my life on hold for someone else never made any sense to me

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Seems like you are contradicting yourself...you will "wait a few months" and then try again...but you won't put your life on hold for her???

Repeat that, and tell me if that makes any sense at all.

I am well aware of the contradiction. My heart doesn't want to give up, but my brain tells me not to put my life on hold. Both ideas are inside of me, thus the contradiction and the reason I am seeking advice.

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Originally Posted by I wish

Does this seem ridiculous?

Ummm... Yeah, it does.

If you do what you are supposed to do, in a few months, she will be nothing but an after thought... right?

Maybe I should stick with no contact and take it day by day to see how my feelings change.

In a few months, if I still feel the same way, I'll ask the question again?

That sounds better than fooling yourself. At least then you can make a better decision for yourself, with a clear mind, and calmer emotions, and facts not just feelings.

Despite what your saying to others, No Contact does work for people who need to heal.

Got to spread it, but yes NC does work, I'm proof of it. But I do think it only works if you want it to and if you follow the rules of it. Maybe we should type up rules for NC

Rule # 1:

NC means NO CONTACT!! None, zero, zilch, NOTHING!

Rule # 2:

Stick to it

Rule # 3:

Delete ALL social networking sites in which you two are connected!

Rule # 4:

Refer to Rule # 3! Until you do this, you are not ready for Rule # 5

If I have time at work today I might write some of these rules down with explanations

Haha... You guys are making me laugh. I've had no problems since I began the "no contact" and I can't see it being a problem. Like I said, I've never had trouble giving people space.

However, I can feel that I like her even more than before I told her how I felt.

We also need a rule that mentions what to do when the other person contacts us. She hasn't contacted me yet, but what do I do if she does?

Ignore it, I am actually on that step right now on my writing ha ha

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Ignore it, I am actually on that step right now on my writing ha ha

Wow that's going to be tough. I did offer to be there as a regular friend if she needed it. I'm confident that I can separate my feelings when I'm talking to her. So are you sure ignoring is the best idea? I want to be there for her.

If you can take hearing about her being with another guy without it stinging or hurting then feel free to continue contact. I know personally, I wouldn't be able to do that. Someone I have feelings for telling me about the person they were with last night. Not going to work for me

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

If you can take hearing about her being with another guy without it stinging or hurting then feel free to continue contact. I know personally, I wouldn't be able to do that. Someone I have feelings for telling me about the person they were with last night. not going to work for me

If she talked about another guy, then obviously I know that it's time for me to move on and I wouldn't be asking this question.

I HIGHLY doubt she will bring up another guy. She never once mentioned her boyfriend (good or bad) unless I asked her. I think I asked her twice in one year how he's doing and she just responded with "he's fine, still in school" both times and that's it.

I was thinking more along the lines of non-potential-new-boyfriend related matters, but I think you answered my question.

Any contact will keep the emotional dust from settling, and prolongs the misery.

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Originally Posted by I wish

I did offer to be there as a regular friend if she needed it. I'm confident that I can seperate my feelings when I'm talking to her.

It's amazing what we can fool ourselves into thinking!!

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Originally Posted by I wish

So are you sure ignoring is the best idea? I want to be there for her.

Why?? Your focus should be on you , not her.

You're right. I have been fooling myself. This no contact thing just isn't working for me. The pain is getting worse, but I can hide it better in public. I find myself liking her more and more. At least I don't feel the need to contact her.

As for her looking for me first, it hasn't happened, so I don't know how I will react. But I guess I'll be preparing myself to ignore her.

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Originally Posted by I wish

You're right. I have been fooling myself. This no contact thing just isn't working for me. .

There's only one person who can make it work for you and that's YOU , it takes time so just stick to the NC , be patient and it'll get better. As soon as you break it you go back a few steps.

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Originally Posted by friend4u178

Theres only one person who can make it work for you and thats YOU , it takes time so just stick to the NC , be patient and it'll get better. As soon as you break it you go back a few steps.

Yeah, I'm aware of the consequences. Thanks for reminding me though.

I really hope that the pain slows down. Right now, I'm just waiting for it to stop getting worse first, before it even starts getting better.

Hang on... she's not my ex... we never even dated, so why do I have to ignore her when she contacts me again?

Because it will continue to hurt you, you think??

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Because it will continue to hurt you, ya think???

I understand.

But according to her she wants to focus only on school before thinking about dating again. I know that in most cases, this is just an excuse, but I believe her. I can't just assume that she doesn't like me back from that excuse.

If you read my other posts you would know that she doesn't treat me like a normal friend, unless she lead me on big time.

Furthermore, she just broke up with her boyfriend less than a month ago, so she needs to find herself again. There's no way for me to expect her to jump into a relationship right away, which is MY main reason for no contact. So because of these reasons, one day, I'm going to have to confront her for closure, to make sure that she really doesn't like me.

So if she's ready to date again and assuming that she has feelings for me, you guys are saying that will let me know? But... I still have to ignore her :confused:

Why are you wasting so much emotional energy on someone you've never been in a romantic relationship? YOU are only making YOURSELF suffer here. Seriously, if you keep banging your head against the wall, your head is going to hurt.

Closure? Are you kidding yourself? You never had anything with this girl to begin with. Closure for what? A non-relationship? You create your OWN closure. Actions speak louder than words my friend and if she liked you, she'd let you know! On a side note, you claim that she doesn't treat you like a 'normal' friend. Sorry to say, unless she's been giving you some serious body language and subcommunication that she's into you - you're delusioned and kidding yourself (women typically communicate in a more subtle manner than men but if they are REALLY interested, you'd know). Unless I missed something going through your posts, this seems like a clear cut case of one-way love.

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There's no way for me to expect her to jump into a relationship right away, which is MY main reason for no contact.

The main reason for no contact is to allow yourself to get your life back and get over your feelings for someone so YOU can heal. I sense you are still allowing yourself to feel some false hope here left. This isn't about her, it is about YOU.

She knows how you feel, you already let the cat out of the bag. It is quite obvious she is trying to be nice and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Don't mistake her "niceness" as a sign of interest. She asked you to "stop wasting your time on her". If that's not a clear enough message to you, I'm not sure what is. Do you need a huge glaring sign with a message from her to you saying "I DON'T LIKE YOU THAT WAY"?