Ask Me Help Desk - Relationship Problem

Quote:

Originally Posted by gloade

He has given you a straight answer but you don't want to see it. He is only using you. Of course he is dating or looking for other people to use. You do not love this man you just do not want to be rejected. What human does? It is not you, he just doesn't want you. Plain and simple. He only wants you when it is convenient for him and he knows how to reel you in. I would stop messaging this man through text, email ect. Just let him go. Do you ever notice when you leave him alone he comes running back? Again the feeling of being rejected. You are feeding off of each other to feel needed and so on.For your sake leave this behind you without giving him an answer why. He is not worthy and you are still playing the game if you keep messaging him. End this for good. In fact block him if you can and move on. Sorry to sound harsh but this is the truth. If you keep doing this you are just hurting yourself more and more and you will never gain anything out of it.

Yes that is very harsh and I know what you are saying and I have been such a fool to lend him the money. Should I ask him for it back? I am struggling myself as a flight attendant and been laid off until April next year. I just can't let it go like this as we have been seeing each other for nearly 4mths. Deep down I know he is a nice bloke but not working and everything else has got him depressed so much I feel he is taking it out on me?

You have allowed yourself to get hung up on a man that does not treat you so kindly and this has only been a 4 month relationship. He is a middle aged man, not a teen. He is not going to change and you need to not waste anymore time on him, or at least stop chasing him. If he wants you, let him chase you. You are acting like a middle aged desperate woman.
Leave him alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by avadot

Yes that is very harsh and I know what you are saying and I have been such a fool to lend him the money. Should I ask him for it back? I am struggling myself as a flight attendant and been laid off until April next year. I just can't let it go like this as we have been seeing each other for nearly 4mths. Deep down I know he is a nice bloke but not working and everything else has got him depressed so much I feel he is taking it out on me?

I would just leave the past behind you. Whatever money you lent him consider it gone. I don't want to come across as mean or heartless but I myself have been through relationships of abusers (physical, mental, and emotional) and every time I would leave one I would find another. It was a very repeatitive cycle and I always thought it was my fault or something I was doing wrong to deserve their behavior. I thought I could make them love me and I was convinced I loved them. I saw all he good in them which made me want to help them more but in the end I realized it was not love it was control and abuse that I did not love myself. I will say I am very fortunate now I have met the most wonderful man who treats me with respect. We are married and he is my rock. I still struggle to this day to realize my worth and that I can hold my head high and enjoy life. I am fortunate he is so supportive and patient. I still see a psychologist so that I know how to keep going forward maintaining a healthy relationship and realizing I can be loved without being controlled. I am brutally honest with you because I can see we relate in some ways and this man you are talking about shows signs of control and mental abuse. I wish you luck and truly hope the best for you but I do see your "relationship" as unhealthy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gloade

I would just leave the past behind you. Whatever money you lent him consider it gone. I don't want to come across as mean or heartless but I myself have been through relationships of abusers (physical, mental, and emotional) and everytime I would leave one I would find another. It was a very repeatitive cycle and I always thought it was my fault or something I was doing wrong to deserve their behavior. I thought I could make them love me and I was convinced I loved them. I saw all he good in them which made me want to help them more but in the end I realized it was not love it was control and abuse that I did not love myself. I will say I am very fortunate now I have met the most wonderful man who treats me with respect. We are married and he is my rock. I still struggle to this day to realize my worth and that I can hold my head high and enjoy life. I am fortunate he is so supportive and patient. I still see a psychologist so that I know how to keep going forward maintaining a healthy relationship and realizing I can be loved without being controlled. I am brutally honest with you because I can see we relate in some ways and this man you are talking about shows signs of controll and mental abuse. I wish you luck and truly hope the best for you but I do see your "relationship" as unhealthy.

Thank you for you help and advice I will take it on board.
I am gong to leave all contact and see if he gets in touch if he does I will change my ways and not let hime control me. If he dosne't like it well that is that he wasn't worth all the bother I have had.

Kind Regards

Jean

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You have allowed yourself to get hung up on a man that does not treat you so kindly and this has only been a 4 month relationship. He is a middle aged man, not a teen. He is not going to change and you need to nit waste anymore time on him, or at least stop chasing him. If he wants you, let him chase you. You are acting like a middle aged desperate woman.
Leave him alone.

Thank you

I am sounding like a middle aged desperate woman but I am not. I have been on my own for 6yrs and was happy like I was until he came into my life.

I will take what you said on board and leave it and see if he gets in touch if he does then I will contact him when I feel like it and won't be so silly again. If he dosen't like it then he goes out the door for good.

Kind Regards

Jean

Quote:

Originally Posted by gloade

He has given you a straight answer but you don't want to see it. He is only using you. Of course he is dating or looking for other people to use. You do not love this man you just do not want to be rejected. What human does? It is not you, he just doesn't want you. Plain and simple. He only wants you when it is convenient for him and he knows how to reel you in. I would stop messaging this man through text, email ect. Just let him go. Do you ever notice when you leave him alone he comes running back? Again the feeling of being rejected. You are feeding off of each other to feel needed and so on.For your sake leave this behind you without giving him an answer why. He is not worthy and you are still playing the game if you keep messaging him. End this for good. In fact block him if you can and move on. Sorry to sound harsh but this is the truth. If you keep doing this you are just hurting yourself more and more and you will never gain anything out of it.

Just to let you know I have well and truly got rid of this man.
He came back to me saying he missed me when I told him I didn't want anything more to do with him. He asked if we could start afresh.
I had already a xmas pressie for him and he came over to see me xmas eve with a card for me. However when I opened it is said to a Special Friend.

I asked him what he meant and he said he wanted to start afresh?
He then said I know but I meant as friends and friends without any intimacy at all.
I told him no-way was I agreeing to that and he got very upset and sat quiet for 10mins. I said for him to go and he took his pressies and the lovely card I got him and said he would be in touch.

He hasn't and 4 days have passed and he hasn't had the deceny to contact me to say thank you for the gifts.

So I have told him I know what he is up to and has lied,cheated used and played me and not to contact me again and to stay away.

I should have done this 4 weeks ago but he was so very apologetic and came to me saying he really missed me but now I know that there was no one else on the scene then but obviously there must be now. I do feel such a fool now and should never let him walk away with all the things I had wrapped up for him for xmas after he came and said to be friends or I would get hurt. (that is obviously because he just wants to have one woman after another) and hasn't even got any money to take these women out as he has no money and not working, so they must also be taken in by him too?

I feel he will leave it a while and try and get back in touch but I hope not.

Thank you for you advice I should have took it earlier.

Jean

Quote:

Originally Posted by avadot

Just to let you know I have well and truly got rid of this man.
He came back to me saying he missed me when I told him I didn't want anything more to do with him. He asked if we could start afresh.
I had already a xmas pressie for him and he came over to see me xmas eve with a card for me. However when I opened it is said to a Special Friend.

I asked him what he meant and he said he wanted to start afresh?
He then said I know but I meant as friends and friends without any intimacy at all.
I told him no-way was I agreeing to that and he got very upset and sat quiet for 10mins. I said for him to go and he took his pressies and the lovely card I got him and said he would be in touch.

He hasn't and 4 days have passed and he hasn't had the deceny to contact me to say thank you for the gifts.

So I have told him I know what he is up to and has lied,cheated used and played me and not to contact me again and to stay away.

I should have done this 4 weeks ago but he was so very apologetic and came to me saying he really missed me but now I know that there was no one else on the scene then but obviously there must be now. I do feel such a fool now and should never let him walk away with all the things I had wrapped up for him for xmas after he came and said to be friends or I would get hurt. (that is obviously because he just wants to have one woman after another) and hasn't even got any money to take these women out as he has no money and not working, so they must also be taken in by him too?

I feel he will leave it a while and try and get back in touch but I hope not.

Thankyou for you advice I should have took it earlier.

Jean

Good luck and happy holidays :-)