Ask Me Help Desk - Why are fwbs (friends with benefits) so frowned upon?

Quote:

Originally Posted by acciosnivellus

but when others are putting their morals on me I am not okay with that (I do understand that will happen when posting something this on a public forum).

Yes this is correct. When you post a question like this you open yourself up to any valid comments. I'm sorry, if you found my remark rude. It wasn't meant to be. It was, in fact meant to be an alternative to the mistake of using sex as a recreation.

But, I will point out that your title asks why its frowned on. And that is the question I was answering.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Yes this is correct. When you post a question like this you open yourself up to any valid comments. I'm sorry, if you found my remark rude. It wasn't meant to be. It was, in fact meant to be an alternative to the mistake of using sex as a recreation.

But, I will point out that your title asks why its frowned on. And that is the question I was answering.

No one was "putting their morals" on you - whatever that means. Were people judging you? No. Were people judging the situation? I certainly was. Other people can speak for themselves.

Again - Scott hit it on the head. You asked why it's frowned on. Now you know. You also have alternatives.

Quote:

Originally Posted by acciosnivellus

I've never done anything like this ever before, so you're right I am taking a risk. I don't know if I'll get attached or if he will. There are a lot of "I don't knows" here. I've been trying to "live in the moment" rather than think ahead, which I understand isn't the smartest thing to do. However, I'm not exactly afraid to learn things the hard way, it really sends the 'lesson learned' message home..

It may seem like you are 'being talked down to... ', but the above quote doesn't exactly sound like someone who is thinking clearly and making decisions based on facts.

Any lessons you learn and risks you take could end up affecting more than just you and him.

I know I don't mean to be patronizing. If it seems that way, it is because I am concerned about you and do not want to see you in a deeper hole than the one you climbed out of. Taking risks and having fun does not mean you ignore the possible consequences.

The people who you seem to think are stepping in where they don't belong may be the ones who sat back and watched other young women who thought they could handle the rules break down. They may be the ones who have picked up the pieces and/or wish they had given the other women the warnings they are giving you. They may be the ones who know what you have been through and don't want to see you fall again if they can help it. Would you sit back and allow someone to pick up a burning coal with their bare hands without warning them?

You don't have to take any advice you are given and you do have to make your own decisions. However, don't dismiss the stories and advice by saying, 'It won't happen to me.' Listen and make an informed decision.

Good luck. Whatever you choose or do, we will still be here if you need us.

All right, I do see the point you both are making (JudyKayTee and ScottGem), as it certainly does answer why it is frowned upon. What I meant with "putting morals" on me was statements such as "...an alternative to the mistake of using sex as a recreation" from ScottGem. Why a mistake? I think it's completely fine you have your opinion and expressed it, but why do you have to say my personal view on intimacy is a mistake? I don't think yours are a mistake, I don't think anyone's idea of it is a mistake. I think it's personal to every individual and I respect that. If you were to tell me "I don't personally agree with your views, but if you would like to avoid any problems that may arise from friends with benefits you could either abstain or choose a committed partner", then I wouldn't question the alternatives you provided me. I am probably being too sensitive, though. Either way, I will leave you both with your opinions and respect the points you both have made.

Cat1864, thank you very much for your response, I really do appreciate it. You're right, I may not be someone who is completely informed and I know I am not invincible, so getting advice here is very important to me. I can now look at the situation more realistically and approach with caution. It's not that I don't welcome viewpoints that cross mine, I hope I am not coming across as that way, I just wish individuals could express their insight in a less judgmental way. However, I understand that's not always possible and I am most likely being too sensitive.

It sounds as though you are caught up in the excitement he offers, and his reputation only adds to it. If you truly felt as though this was a good idea, you wouldn't be seeking the opinions of others. It is almost as though you are trying to talk yourself into it but that you are having a difficult time when most people have been telling you to steer clear of this guy.

You said you have a month and a half left. What if you did become pregnant? How much would that effect your plans? Do you think this guy would stand by you?

If you think it is a good idea, why the need to keep it secret? Is it worth your reputation to have it be known that you are just another one of his "friends"?

Perhaps all these people that have been warning you about him have reason to do so.

It comes down to what you are willing to take a chance on. What do you value? Will you lose anything by continuing? What would you gain?

Think carefully about your reasons for wanting to do this and decide if they are worth the risks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by acciosnivellus

What I meant with "putting morals" on me was statements such as "...an alternative to the mistake of using sex as a recreation" from ScottGem. Why a mistake? I think it's completely fine you have your opinion and expressed it, but why do you have to say my personal view on intimacy is a mistake?

I say it's a mistake because there has been enough evidence that being intimate involves an emotional attachment in many people.Trying to detach sex from that emotion is a mistake in my opinion. Maybe you won't affected by it, but I wouldn't take bets on it.

DoulaLC, very nice points you bring up. It is possible that I am caught up in the excitement he offers and the breath of fresh air he brings. I've never done anything like this before, so I believe gaining different perspectives is a wise step.

We have discussed what would happen with a pregnancy and what our plan would be. We just recently started being sexual after discussing topics such as pregnancy, protection, sti status, etc. but that is not to say I am invincible.

It is true though, having lots of people in my business has caused me to step back a bit. I am an adult, but I am still young, and I know I still have a lot to learn and experience even if I do have strong opinions. Now it is up to me to process through all the advice and opinions I have been given and decide what is personally best for me.

Here's a way to deal with the friends who keep going on and on about his reputation and adding to your confusion.

When people start telling you these stories (cautionary tales), politely ask them to stop. The cautions are turning into gossip and rumor which you do not want to foster. There is a line between giving well-meaning advice and invading privacy.

Change the subject or walk away.