No matter how you slice or dice it, having sex with a married man is wrong nothing you or anyone says can give this fact any justification, what you're doing is wrong, morally and every other which way, you're a spare or 3rd in a marriage and marriages don't have spare, if you want to regain yourself respect and dignity then do the right thing, not by him not by you but by the woman who in all of this is totally innocent, HIS WIFE.

All you're getting is left overs, are you that desperate you'll settle for that.?

HES A LIAR AND A CHEAT, don't allow this man to drag you down with him, he doesn't care he's getting it all ways, but if you can't see this then more shame on you. Sorry, but who would condone such behaviour.

I am going to go another direction here.

I was the spouse who was cheated on. He arranged "dates" for me to go out and have some time without the children (I was a stay-at-home mom).

Come to find out, he was cheating on me during that time.

My oldest children now have trust issues. They are now married... with children.

As far as I am concerned, coming from the scorned woman... if you don't stop this now, you are the lowest of the low. You KNOW he is married, you KNOW he is off limits. Yet you keep enticing him.

I don't care what BS story he gives you. You KNOW he is married.

Be prepared to spend holidays and birthdays alone. He'll always come up with an excuse to cancel.

You are "sloppy seconds" sister. Be sure that he tells his wife how much he loves her... the children and the grandchildren, because it's true. You are just a little play toy on the side.

Harsh? Yes. True? Yes.

This is so very sad... you have allowed yourself to play it safe with a married man. You can't have a truly committed relationship with him, so he can't cheat on you. However, odds are, you are not the only one he has been with behind his wife's back. If he has not been honest to his wife, why would you think he would be totally honest with you?

Don't fall back on this is fate crap either... you choose to be with him, knowing he is married, knowing what his wife and family could face.
You conveniently and selfishly pushed right from wrong aside.

He is not a "normal decent fella"... decent men do not cheat on their wives. Decent people do not allow themselves to be in those situations. If they are married, they work to fix their marriage if there are problems or they end it. If they are single, they don't get involved knowing someone is married in the first place. Him staying because "it is the right thing to do" is a joke. He is a hypocrite to say the least. If he wanted to be with you, he would be... plain and simple.

If you like knowing you will never have all of him, knowing that you will possibly have a hand in destroying another family, then continue on as you have been.

But since you have come to share this situation, no doubt there is guilt and unfulfillment on your part and you know in your heart that it is time to end it.

Be that decent person you talked about and do what is right. Find someone you can truly trust again who is actually available. It does happen.

Just think of all that time you waste, when you could have your own healthy, happy life, and not just wonder from afar, what its all about.

Then you would have to make up excuses for your actions, or any one else's for that matter.

Your CHOICE, it always has been.

Are you sure you didn't have this man in mind when you divorced your husband?
I find it strange a woman who has been cheated on and who knows the pain it brings, can do that to another woman?

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Originally Posted by cupcake24

orphan.... this is the reaction I had before I met this man, he has never told me he will leave his wife, i would never ask him to either, I have alot of self repect and feel it unfair of you to judge my person on the little information i have given you. Not all people who have affairs are the scum of the earth. Some are normal good people who have found themselves torn between the rules and their desires..
im not really interested in your opion with all due respect, I was hoping to talk to someone in a similar situation as I said before.. no offence ment..

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Before I continue reading this thread and I decide to post I just want to say you leave yourself wide open for others to judge and others to give there opinions. You have to understand you are the other woman and its not fair and right in any way. If you didn't want to hear it then maybe you shouldn't have posted. There isn't a person out there that is going to pat your back and say good job honey. Glad your happy. Treat him right.

I will finish reading this and I may have an opinion or I may not. But you really need to understand how this comes across to the others reading it before you jump on someone for giving an opinion.

If this "decent" man is married but living as separated does his wife have a boyfriend? Are they seeing other people and that is agreed on? Are they living together only for financial reasons? My parents are married living as separated in separate houses. If he is still living with her he is telling you lies. He is telling you what you want to hear.

I am ashamed of my threads I started on this type of topic. I wish they were deleted. It was the worse time of my life and I pray every day I could erase it. But honey take it from me your making a bad choice. I am married and I was with a married man. Oh mine wasn't living with his wife, but he was still committed to her. Funny. He moved her out but still went to her every night. I was a secret. Why? Because he wanted the best of both worlds. His wife was still there when he wanted her. I also wasn't the first he cheated with either. He said I was. But I knew otherwise.

Don't play the game. The other woman always wins. He isn't decent or he would have respect for his wife, separated or not, and end what they have left.

Just remember this is only short term. When comfort sets in and the love affair has faded to every day mo-jo will you love him the same? Will he find someone new?

You need to sit back and remember how you felt when you were the wife. Please... I did it and I had it done to me. After having it done to me my heart breaks thinking of his wife. Makes me sick what she went through. I wish I could meet her and talk with her all the crap lines he told me. I wish her and I could actually work it out. She was the victim and I carry so much guilt for that.

So what if you love each other. You can change your fate by changing the road you take. You need to look ahead and pick another path. You will have better fate down that road.

I applaud Sunflower for her honesty. Cupcake.. you were once the wife who was cheated on. How did it make you feel? I can guess. Awful!

You are doing the same thing to his wife and if he leaves her or gets a divorce, I will be shocked. Even if he does, which of you will worry about the other doing the same thing again with someone else?


You are asking advice so here goes, Marriage vows are sacred, at least they are to me. Not only are you being the other woman, you are being loose and uncaring about his wife and children, I honestly believe you are secretly hoping he will get a divorce.


If he does and you marry him or not , his children will never accept you.
To them you will always be the other woman. Don't expect to be treated kindly or even cordially at any family gatherings.

You lose, he loses and his family loses Who can respect a man or woman who breaks a home apart. Find your heart and do as Sunflower did , get out and try to move on and forgive yourself for this mess.

He didn't twist your arm and he is as much to blame as you.

1 - They always say they've never had an affair before. They are always unhappily married. Usually they stay together for the sake of the children. They usually don't have sex - unless, of course, she turns up pregnant, at which time he was very drunk and thought she was you. I modeled in NYC; I've heard every line that ever existed - and then a few more.

2 - He's doing it to her, he'll do it to you.

3 - Somebody did it to you and now you're doing it to someone else. The phrase "dumb as rocks" comes to mind.

4 - "The morals you hold so high" doesn't even deserve a comment.

5 - Can't say I've ever been in the "I love a married man/I date a married man/I date a SEPARATED man" (for that matter) situation. Maybe it's a moral decision, maybe not. I just know I would NOT do "that" to another woman. Period.

6 - I'd worry a lot less about fate and a lot more about karma.

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Originally Posted by cupcake24

the morals I hold so high.

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Darlin' you have NO morals!

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Originally Posted by J_9

Darlin' you have NO morals!

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She should have said, "The Morals I Used to Hold So High". Just saying.:rolleyes:

OP as soon as you pressed send, you laid yourself bare to criticism and scorn, you may not think or believe you are at fault, however the plain harsh truth is you are, you're involved with a Man who is married has been for a very long time, and no doubt will be until he dies.

That's because in the days he got married marriages were till death do us part, and you may think he will leave, ( maybe he will ) somehow I doubt he will, he's knows where his bread is buttered, he's not going to just lightly end what he's had for years men like home comforts, and when he's also getting his extra maritals, and his wife too, then he's not going to be going anywhere anytime soon. I would also think they are still having sexual relations too.

If you think you're being judged, I think its less a case of you being judged more that others here, myself included are hoping you'll see the error of your ways and dump this low down cheat. You know even if he should leave his wife for you, you'll never be really secure, because if he can do it once he will do it again, and Im also almost certain you're not the first not by any stretch of the imagination.

I personally would never have anything to do with a man who was engaged or married, not even if a widower, I would know I wasn't his first choice, and I just couldn't live in the shadow of another woman.I also think its very wrong to alienate a Mans affections. It just isn't the done thing, You'll be waiting around for him, you'll never be able to go out in public, meet his friends, or his children, grandchildren, nothing, surely that must be an empty existence.

You and only you can choose what you do about this, I sincerely hope you choose wisely and sensibly, don't give this man the ability to hurt his wife, the woman whose stood by his side all these years. Please think long and hard.

Hes been with her 31 years that's a lifetime.

There is life after this episode with a Married Man really there is you can get a man of your own, if you wanted to.

My opinion is my opinion, A Divorced Man has ended that relationship, so therefore he is again single and free to marry again, he chose to end it or agreed to.

I've been basically where you are.

I got involved with someone married. In the beginning it started as an innocent friendship. They gave me attention at the time I guess I needed and I gave them attention that they felt they were lacking in their marriage. Eventually, it went beyond a innocent friendship and into an affair.

I hear the same ol' scripted lines that everyone else does "I'm going to leave my spouse, just waiting on the right time". I also heard "We've drifted apart", "Married Young now want my time to get experience sleeping with others". To the same old "They treat me wrong in my marriage and are abusive".

At the time I believed it, had no reason really not to and because I was an uneducated idiot. I fell for it and continued the relationship. Eventually, their spouse found out about us which was when they decided to actually move in with me. But the tables turned then and instead of spending time with me they were spending it with their spouse that they left. That ended after a month and they moved back but wanted our "relationship" to continue. Like an idiot, again, I kept with it thinking it was something they needed to work out. And, again, they moved back in with me but only to go back once more.

Like an idiot, the relationship continued for us. The same boring lines continued and I bought them all up. I thought like you that they were different than the other's out there having affairs on their spouses that they weren't scum and were just broken people trying to figure out what they needed to do but were stuck with spouses playing games with them and hurting them.

That "relationship" went on for about 2 years before I woke up. I stopped spending as much time with them and eventually the "relationship" ended. After I finally told them I was done with their games that they were the ones hurting their spouse and not the other way around, I canceled all contact with that person. They would pop up here and there sending me emails accusing me of lying to them saying that I told them in the beginning that I loved them more than anything and I must have been lying or else now I'd still would love them. Ignoring the fact that they must have lied when they took their vows with their spouse! But that was okay. I was starting to really see this person's true colors and issues. The disgusting part was when I sent my last response to them telling them that I was wrong and I never should have gotten involved with someone married and I would never do again they had the nerve to say "Who cares, People are having affairs all the time now, it's the norm".

Clearly, whether it was me or someone else this person is going to continue their games. And I know now that they are. I feel so sick to my stomach for what I put their spouse through, their family through. The worst part is that I know that they will continue to be hurt and my only hope is that their spouse wakes up and realizes they deserve better than this piece of trash.

In my opinion that's what they are. Trash. Only caring about their own needs and playing every card and game in the book that they can to fulfill their needs. If they didn't like their spouse anymore or felt their marriage wasn't the same there is divorce, there is moving on, there is separating. But they're too selfish to do it.

In the beginning you're like everyone else you've fallen for someone so you're taking everything they say as truth and not seeing anything behind it. You've got blinders on. Someone not happy in their marriage needs to figure that out before they involve anyone else into the mix.

When the affair is finally all said and done with, it's not a good feeling to have. Because you feel disgusted with yourself and your actions. I only hope you see things before they get as far as my situation did.

I ruined a family, broke hearts, and trust because I believed every stupid line this person was telling me. Because I believe their spouse was the problem and this person was nearly a saint and felt for them trying to figure out what they needed to do. I was an idiot.

Don't make my mistake.

What you have essentially done, is sell yourself out. You've tossed out your morals, principles, common decency toward another human being (the wife), and compromised your own power and control.

You let a married man in your life, dumped him, then YOU phoned HIM and mixed it up again.

To answer your question, women like you have popped into my life from time to time. You're the one flirting harmlessly, sitting on my husband's desk, doing really cute things like giggle inappropriately, jump on any opportunity that comes your way to be near him, or talk to him. I've seen you with my girlfriend's husbands and boyfriends, and I've seen you in action in bars and beaches flirting from a distance while a man is sitting with his wife at the bar. You are not an invisible person. There are many women just like you out there who make the choice, to hop on the immoral train, and destroy lives.

You are quite content to justify your behaviour, buy justifying his. Surely he tells you the truth, right? I presume he's left home and is in a nice batchelor pad now? Please tell me he doesn't have children, and you have assisted in the breakup of their lives too. What? He's still with his wife? Serious?

Show a hint of respect for the wife of this low life you are with. Respect that she has to deal with him, and you make her live a living hell. And if she doesn't know about you, I guarantee you she will eventually. You are so blinded by your own lack of morals that you cannot see or appreciate how she would feel.

Leave him alone and don't get sucked into breaking up his family. He is quite capable of doing that himself- obviously. I doubt you are the first, and you won't be the last. If he chooses to live this type of life with a woman on the side, let him suffer his own consequences, in other words, don't assist him in destroying lives.

Surely you can see that this is not love, and that the best thing you can do for yourself, is to walk away, and stay away. Get your own- single and available- man, put on your big girl pants and live a life without being involved with a married man.

If anything please think of his wife. If the hurt you felt from your cheating husband isn't enough to keep you from hurting another the same way then your not going to be willing to listen and understand.

You will not hear what you want to hear on this site. You will not live happily ever after with this man.

I am always amazed that a woman would hurt another woman in this fashion - simply amazed. And able to justify it besides!

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I am always amazed that a woman would hurt another woman in this fashion - simply amazed. And able to justify it besides!

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Men like this have an amazing way with words to make it all OK. Won't be long there will be a thread with her crying over her broken relationship with her married boyfriend. Since he will stay with his wife.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Men like this have an amazing way with words to make it all ok. Wont be long there will be a thread with her crying over her broken relationship with her married boyfriend. Since he will stay with his wife.

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There is no excuse for cheating. If my husband were seeing another woman, it would be a lot easier if he were honest. It would still hurt and I would be devastated, but at least there would be some small comfort in the knowledge that I wasn't the last to know.

Lots of women have been in the situation where their husbands have cheated and lied and it's a shock. Most of these women are hard working professionals who bring home the bacon as much as the husband. There is nothing that makes seeing a married man OK.
He will lose his children and their respect and his grandchildren who will
Probably not see him very much and then when he's through with you
He'll want to go home to the women he really loves. The wife, the mother of his children, the hard worker, the nurturer the glue that held the family together during the hard times.

Where will that leave you? Well I suppose after dating a married man once, you'll probably move on to the next one and you'll think the same thing as you do with this one.

I hope you come to your senses and realize the hurt you are causing and you are not in it alone.. he is as much to blame as you are.

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Originally Posted by cupcake24

thank you for your reply, I know what I have to do, finding the courage to do it is another matter as i know how I'm going to feel..? I could see him leaving his wife, but not his life and the two go hand in hand even if they have driffted apart, when we were young we dumped boyfriends and moved on to the next, it was simple.

thanks again, I found your reply very helpful..

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I think its time to close this one until the OP comes back, with hopefully some good news.