Just so everyone knows I am 41and he is older. I don't want a sugardaddy when I go to visit I insist on paying him back. His wife does know I have talked to her more than once and yes he would like us to sit down and talk all of us. He wants me in his life but he also wants her to know that he is aware of his obligation to her. He doesn't want to hurt either one of us. He is an upstanding man and neither of us have been in this situation before. How does he handle his obligation to her financially and emotionally but yet make me a part of his life as well?

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

How does he handle his obligation to her financially and emotionally but yet make me a part of his life as well?

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Divorce her and marry you.

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz
How does he handle his obligation to her financially and emotionally but yet make me a part of his life as well?

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He has already done that, but your not happy with it. You want him to leave her and be exclusive to you. He would have to agree to her terms for that to happen, and what of his kids? Dumping their mama for some side chick? Bad enough he cheats on her already.

If he wasn't exclusive to a wife of 30 years, and his baby mama, what makes you so different? Imagine all the promises he made her that he no longer honors.

I think its hilarious that you expect a cheater to be exclusively yours. When he is not exclusive to his wife.

He has his cake, and he eats it too, why should he rock the boat? He doesn't have to give up anything at all!!

It really is a sad situation all the way around. If he leaves her.. he stands to lose more than money.
His children, although older will still be hurt and upset.

Let me ask you this; if you were not in the picture do you think he and his wife could go forward and have a happy marriage?

If all you have said is true... I think you should set up a meeting with him and his wife. Lay all your cards on the table and see which of you he will choose.

Would you rather go on living your life only for him and his wishes? You are still young and I'm fairly sure there will be someone else in your life.

You may not be the only "other woman". This man in my opinion doesn't deserve either you or his wife. Make some plans to meet the wife and him together.. you'll know then where you stand.

I hope he chooses to stay with his wife and I hope you meet someone who will make you number one in his life.

We all make mistakes and we have to live with them. I can tell you this.. you're not the only one who has ever been in this situation.

I've seen it many times and all it ends up doing is causing heartache and misery to everyone involved. I don't know you , but something tells me you're feeling a lot of guilt. Get out ofhis... for your own sake. There's a lot of good men out there and you need to concentrate on a single one.

I truly believe there is not another woman other than me in his life he calls me every morning on his way to work and he does have a job where we can be in contact quite often, he calls everyday on his lunch break and on his way home and once he's home I get instant messages. We have asked her to sit with us so the three of US can discuss things she refuses. She said she doesn't want to talk to me my voice makes her sick I do understand her anger I truly do, so how do we get her to talk with US he honestly doesn't want to just walk away from her he wants to be her friend, I do feel very guilty I never saw myself in a situation like this but now I am in it and I honestly love this man and I don't know what to do. I have asked him that very question about his marriage and if I were not in it would they be able to go on and be happy, his answer was no he said he would go on but he would not be happy with the situation or the marriage.

Why should she talk to you, and let go of her husband to make YOU happy?

What could you possibly offer her, to give him up, that she doesn't have already? That's unrealistic, and since he isn't giving up a thing, you are caught between them, so be his mistress, and be happy, as that's as good as you will get.

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I have asked him that very question about his marriage and if I were not in it would they be able to go on and be happy, his answer was no he said he would go on but he would not be happy with the situation or the marriage.

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I have no doubt if you leave him, and you should, he would do the same to another, blinded by love, female. No doubt in my mind. That should tell you that you have no leverage whatsoever, and he loves his life enough NOT to divorce his wife.

Everyone, and even you know, he can divorce her if he pays the cost, if he REALLY wanted too.

Looks like you're forever stuck in second place with this guy.

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

I truly believe there is not another woman other than me in his life he calls me every morning on his way to work and he does have a job where we can be in contact quite often, he calls everyday on his lunch break and on his way home and once hes home i get instant messages. We have asked her to sit with us so the three of US can discuss things she refuses. She said she doesn't want to talk to me my voice makes her sick I do understand her anger I truly do, so how do we get her to talk with US he honestly doesn't want to just walk away from her he wants to be her friend, I do feel very guilty I never saw myself in a situation like this but now I am in it and I honestly love this man and I don't know what to do. I have asked him that very question about his marriage and if I were not in it would they be able to go on and be happy, his answer was no he said he would go on but he would not be happy with the situation or the marriage.

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He says he wouldn't be happy if you left but he would go on. I don't know what to say. Here's some advice and if you're smart you'll take it.
This advice is my opinion only. Stop talking to him... don't take his calls.. block him. Tell him you're through and you have no intention of being just a now and then diversion. Don't let him come to your place and when he's in town try to avoid him in the work place.

LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH IT ANYMORE! If you want to know if his love for you is real... then do it. It will be hard, but it will be even harder if you continue this and ten years from now he's still making excuses. You are wrong for seeing this man and hurting his family and he is even more to blame for trying to play both ends against the middle. I don't believe anything could hurt a wife more than knowing her husband is being unfaithful. I don't know what I would do.

Break the string and let him know what it's like to worry. If he loves you this will be the test that proves it. If not you'll be free and you'll have learned a valuable lesson. Start a plan and stick to it... I don't believe he'll leave his wife.. but who knows? I can't wish that this marriage breaks up... but I do hope you will open your eyes and see this is wrong and find someone who isn't married and who will bring you happiness... Kit

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Kitkat22 again

Excellent plan. That's how you get a junkie off dope.

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

I truly believe there is not another woman other than me in his life he calls me every morning on his way to work and he does have a job where we can be in contact quite often, he calls everyday on his lunch break and on his way home and once hes home i get instant messages. We have asked her to sit with us so the three of US can discuss things she refuses. She said she doesn't want to talk to me my voice makes her sick I do understand her anger I truly do, so how do we get her to talk with US he honestly doesn't want to just walk away from her he wants to be her friend, I do feel very guilty I never saw myself in a situation like this but now I am in it and I honestly love this man and I don't know what to do. I have asked him that very question about his marriage and if I were not in it would they be able to go on and be happy, his answer was no he said he would go on but he would not be happy with the situation or the marriage.

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What is it you think the three of you should discuss. What could you possibly have to say to this woman except "I'm sorry" The only person who should be discussing anything with her is him. What nerve to even think about talking to her. What does he think you three need to discuss. That sounds stupid, so stupid it's unbelievable.

You said you asked him if you were not in the picture could he go on and be happy. He says he would stay anyway. That should tell you something. He would stay and probably get another side piece. He is not going to leave this woman and he does not care that you are feeling bad about being second fiddle.
I suggest you get some self respect and act like the adult I assume you are and get out of this mess or you will waste your life being a mistress because that is all you are ever going to be to this man.

If he is so weak and lowdown that he would stay in the marriage and cheat with you, what makes you think he would be any different if he were with you?

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

Just so everyone knows I am 41and he is older. I don't want a sugar daddy as a matter of fact when I go to visit I insist on paying him back. His wife does know I have talked to her more than once and yes he would like us to sit down and talk all of us. He wants me in his life but he also wants her to know that he is aware of his obligation to her. He doesn't want to hurt either one of us. He is an upstanding man and neither of us have been in this situation before. How does he handle his obligation to her financially and emotionally but yet make me a part of his life as well?

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He is doing that. He is cheating on her with you!
If he is so upstanding, he will stop playing in both playgrounds. He will do what is right, and that is either leave his wife and deal with the consequences, or he will cut you loose.
He wants his cake and eat it too.
You are old enough to know better. Are you feeling he is your last resort, is that why at your age you are allowing yourself to be a part of this mess?

Do what I suggested about telling him to make a choice. We will be here for you. We can listen and give advice, but ultimately it's your decision as to where you want to keep on being the other woman. If he is staying because of money (I don't know or what the Australian laws are on divorce) then he loves money more than you.

This is a time for he and his wife to be enjoying grandchildren and thoughts of retiring and now that has been practically destroyed. He did it and you were his tool.
He's probably handsome and has that sexy Aussie accent but he belongs to someone else.

Picture it this way; you are the wife and she is the other woman. I'm not saying you're lying, but I doubt if you are his first affair and maybe the reason the wife is so complacent is , she knows he always comes back and he stays. Please try to get yourself out of this and as I said we will help you get through it.

You made a mistake and there is no one in this world who is perfect. It's when you keep on making the same mistake over and over and not learning anything. Please just think of this.

Listen, you need to do what is right for and staying with a married man is never a right choice. Look at the long term impact. Three, four, five years down the line is will be singing the same song. Who cares what the wife accepts the question "can you accepts dating a married man for years to come?" He already told you what he won't do and that will never change. So guess what? Change starts with you and why should you stick around and wait on him? There are other great single, available men out there even though it might take a while to find but wouldn't it be worth the wait?? My advice to you would be to leave. Leave today because you don't need this web. And I really don't understand the need to sit down and talk to the wife and your lucky she isn't crazy like some of the wives you hear about on the news who go after the girl on the side.

This isn't a good situation to be in at all but you have to realize that. You still have the chance to do good and for your own peace of mind wouldn't you think it be worth it? Time for you to make some choices instead of waiting for him to decide what road he wants to go down.

We're here if you need to talk and when you decide you've had enough. That's what ASK ME HELP DESK IS. Not only are you being used... you are hurting someone else.

Could I get suggestions from readers who have been in this situation

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

Could I get suggestions from readers who have been in this situation

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Anybody want to address this?

I know there are other people in this situation. I just wanted to let everyone know we discussed today him getting a flat and moving out today not to bring me there but for him to have some time to see what he wants and he is also going to contact a divorce attorney to discuss several aspects of a split. I know most of you will be against this as I have read your responses but should someone stay with someone out of obligation or should they enjoy the love?

Obligations, and responsibilities are a part of love. Enjoying them is debatable, but no less important than the good times were/are.

Whether he follows through with this plan of moving, and getting his divorce, is yet to be seen.

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

I know there are other people in this situation. I just wanted to let everyone know we discussed today him getting a flat and moving out today not to bring me there but for him to have some time to see what he wants and he is also going to contact a divorce attorney to discuss several aspects of a split. I know most of you will be against this as I have read your responses but should someone stay with someone out of obligation or should they enjoy the love?

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My point was, while he was still married, YOU shouldn't get used, and his wife shouldn't be cheated on. That's just common sense. Married people shouldn't betray that trust. People get divorced. Even though it sounds like this affair had a lot to do with his change of heart, it's a big difference between being a mistress, and dating a divorced man.

Do you think that he really is going to leave his wife, and "lose his sons' respect"?

That happened pretty quick. Be sure he's not just saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Good luck.

I do wonder sometimes if he is saying what I want to hear but he told me today that she has already spoken to an attorney. It is a very complicated situation I do wish I could explain it better. I also know that he has spoken with an attorney before, before me. I do know that during the marriage they have acquired many things they own their home and he also owns the home his 9 year old mother lives in and she has told him that if he leaves she will make him sell that home I understand she is upset but that is spiteful so he is contacting a lawyer to see if there is a divorce if a stipulation can be made that the home his mother lives in will remain until her death or if the home can be placed in his sons name and then sold when they see fit and the proceeds shaed between the two of them. I am not saying he will get the divorce but I truly do think he is thinking about it and I think it is a good idea to have time on his own so he has no outside distractions and he can decide what the right thing for him is if its not me I will have to accept that, but do you understand I want to know that he has come to that decision on his own and not because of threats she has made to take everything he has and to turn his sons against him.

One more thing I do know that he talked with his financial advisor today. How do I know you will ask, because I was on one phone with him while he was on the other talking with the advisor and he did mention get his finances in order.