Ask Me Help Desk - Dating multiple people

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You just have to read the post here about feeling developing after "casual" sex, and then wondering if the partner feels the same. Or the ones, where the partners have sex early on, and assume the other partner's feelings are the same. Or the ones who hit it, and move on, and the partner is left devastated, and wondering "what happened, why haven't they called"? Yep! problems.

But if the 'offender' is up front about what they want, who's fault is it if the offendee gets hurt?

As long as everyone is honest about what they are after, no one has anyone but themselves to blame.

Quote:

Originally Posted by asking

I think the word "dating" is ambiguous. It can mean sex or not.

It's obviously fine to have dinner with more than one person if you are not intimate. Personally, I would not have sex with multiple partners and I don't expect a "date" too either. I figure if he's doing that, he's not available for a serious relationship.

Depend on who you ask. I think you are confusing dating with exclusive.

So having dinner is OK but sex isn't? How about heavy kissing? Oral? Where does the line get drawn.

There are those that think that a goodnight BJ is just a polite way of saying "I had a nice time tonight - call me"

I see a huge difference between telling people to date around and sleep around. Going on a few dates when you're not in a committed relationship doesn't mean sleeping with all of your dates as far as I can see.

Quote:

Originally Posted by justcurious55

i see a huge difference between telling people to date around and sleep around. going on a few dates when you're not in a committed relationship doesn't mean sleeping with all of your dates as far as i can see.

Guess we'll just have to agree to disagree then... :)

Edit: After all, how do you know if you want to date them again if you haven't had sex with them?

I'm OK with agreeing to disagree. :)
I think I could have worded it better though. I don't think it means you HAVE to. I don't think more or less of anyone that does have sex after a first date.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Guess we'll just have to agree to disagree then... :)

Edit: After all, how do you know if you want to date them again if you havent had sex with them?

I agree. At this point in my life, I can't become seriously involved in someone if I'm unaware of the sexual chemistry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

I didnt know it was a secret. :-D

My idea of casual is no more than 3 different partners in a 24 hour period. Anything more than that crosses a line.

I wasn't sure about the "secret" part but now the cat is out of the bag!

And congratulations! And many, many happy years.

And now back to dating multiple people - which I assume you are no longer allowed to do. My husband was also touchy about that. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I wasn't sure about the "secret" part but now the cat is out of the bag!

And congratulations! And many, many happy years.

And now back to dating multiple people - which I assume you are no longer allowed to do. My husband was also touchy about that. :)

I haven't actually asked yet, but I can imagine how that conversation will go. :-D

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After all, how do you know if you want to date them again if you haven't had sex with them?

If you both had a great time WITHOUT having sex, why not?

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I agree. At this point in my life, I can't become seriously involved in someone if I'm unaware of the sexual chemistry.

What do you mean by "at this point in [your] life"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

If you both had a great time WITHOUT having sex, why not??

Because you are presumably looking for the one person that you are going to be having sex with for the rest of your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Because you are presumably looking for the one person that you are going to be having sex with for the rest of your life.

Agreed BUT do we agree that sex isn't the only thing "we" should be looking for? My husband was an invalid for a long time (enough said about that). Thank goodness I honestly love the man because if it had been all about fireworks and shooting stars we would not have lasted.

But maybe this conversation is just about sex and dating multiple people and I'm bringing it down.

As far as dating and having sex with multiple people - I'm not interested in having sex today with someone who had sex with someone else yesterday. Of course, you don't always know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Agreed BUT do we agree that sex isn't the only thing "we" should be looking for? My husband was an invalid for a long time (enough said about that). Thank goodness I honestly love the man because if it had been all about fireworks and shooting stars we would not have lasted.

But maybe this conversation is just about sex and dating multiple people and I'm bringing it down.

As far as dating and having sex with multiple people - I'm not interested in having sex today with someone who had sex with someone else yesterday. Of course, you don't always know.

Don't get me wrong, I never did either... but not because I think its wrong... I just didn't stack dates like that. I never had a sexual relationship with more than one person at a time. I just don't look down on those that do, so long as they are up front about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Guess we'll just have to agree to disagree then... :)

Edit: After all, how do you know if you want to date them again if you havent had sex with them?

Because they are interesting, intelligent, have good manners, appear to be kind, educated, have lots of friends, love their mother--unimportant things like that. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

What do you mean by "at this point in [your] life"?

I meant that, for me, a lasting relationship is no longer out of the question--I graduated college and looking to buy me a home or condo--and I don't believe that's possible if the relationship hasn't been consummated, we can call it that to bring elegance to the matter. In my teenage days it really didn't matter what or who I did 'cause, as Vince Neil once said, I was "too young to fall in love".

In other words sex was only something to look forward to back in my teenage years where it may or may not happen... no big deal. But now, it's a prerequisite.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I meant that, for me, a lasting relationship is no longer out of the question--I graduated college and looking to buy me a home or condo--and I don't believe that's possible if the relationship hasn't been consummated, we can call it that to bring elegance to the matter. In my teenage days it really didn't matter what or who I did 'cause, as Vince Neil once said, I was "too young to fall in love".

In other words sex was only something to look forward to back in my teenage years where it may or may not happen... no big deal. But now, it's a prerequisite.

What or who you "did"? I'm too old for this board.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I meant that, for me, a lasting relationship is no longer out of the question--I graduated college and looking to buy me a home or condo--and I don't believe that's possible if the relationship hasn't been consummated, we can call it that to bring elegance to the matter. In my teenage days it really didn't matter what or who I did 'cause, as Vince Neil once said, I was "too young to fall in love".

In other words sex was only something to look forward to back in my teenage years where it may or may not happen... no big deal. But now, it's a prerequisite.

Sex is a prerequisite? Wow!

Okay, I have to point out that I did fall in love in my "teenage" years. Albeit the last teenage year but still. ;)

Back in the day I wasn't at all particular about the guys I took to bed. Regrets, yes, major regrets, can't change the past, no use beating myself up, it's done.

But, if I was free to date now, I wouldn't be having sex with every Tom, Rick and Harry (I had to say Rick, AMHD doesn't accept the other word :()

I wouldn't judge someone that does sleep around, I don't have the right to, but, why sleep with everything that moves? Why not wait for that someone special?

Am I totally off?

OMG, am I old? :eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

I wouldn't judge someone that does sleep around, I don't have the right to, but, why sleep with everything that moves? Why not wait for that someone special?

The same thing could be said about non-sexual, Plutonic dating, why not wait for someone special?

I think if you're going to get to know someone, you've got to get to know them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

The same thing could be said about non-sexual, Plutonic dating, why not wait for someone special?

I think if you're gonna get to know someone, you've got to get to know them.

But does getting to know them have to involve sex?

Trust me, most of the guys I slept with, I didn't know them at all. Heck, I couldn't tell you their names, I couldn't pick them out of a line up. Ya, like I said, I wasn't an angel. :(

Getting to know someone doesn't have to involve sex. Talking is a good thing. Dating helps you get to know someone. Sex is great, but you don't have to know someone, love someone, heck, you don't even have to like someone to have sex.

I don't believe in waiting for marriage, you should test the waters before you dive in, but dating multiple people and having sex with them? I don't think so, not nowadays.

Again, maybe I'm getting old. Maybe my morals caught up with me. Just how I feel now. Wish I had felt that way 20 years ago. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

But does getting to know them have to involve sex?

Trust me, most of the guys I slept with, I didn't know them at all. Heck, I couldn't tell you their names, I couldn't pick them out of a line up. Ya, like I said, I wasn't an angel. :(

Getting to know someone doesn't have to involve sex. Talking is a good thing. Dating helps you get to know someone. Sex is great, but you don't have to know someone, love someone, heck, you don't even have to like someone to have sex.

I don't believe in waiting for marriage, you should test the waters before you dive in, but dating multiple people and having sex with them? I don't think so, not nowadays.

Again, maybe I'm getting old. Maybe my morals caught up with me. Just how I feel now. Wish I had felt that way 20 years ago. ;)

If something happened with my marriage( GOD forbid), and I was single again, I wouldn't do what I did in the past. I think I would be more careful of who I dated. I would be interested in getting to know one person, not several at one time. But I wouldn't want to be celibate, not for a long period. After my first time , I knew it was going to be an important part of my life.

I'm very happy and content now, and am glad to not be in the single category anymore. My life is great and full, not chaotic and empty, like it used to be.

I want both of my sons to enjoy their lives, and to be sure they are READY to get married, when the time comes. I think it's best to get your wild oats sewn before you settle down.

Unfortunately, relationships like Alty's, which start young, don't seem to last in today's time, like they did a hundred or so years ago. Of course back then they didn't have the temptation like we do now.