Ask Me Help Desk - She has a boyfriend, but we're right for each other.

You have feelings, and want more than a friendship, but does she??

I think you are the one with the confusion, as she has not made any attempt to change a thing.

Life is full of risks, so you can let her know how you feel, and maybe ruin this friendship, or enjoy it for what it is. The bottom line is how you deal with it.

Me, I balance my life to include more than just her, and make sure of my own feelings, before I just unload on someone else.

Stay out of her business, that's false hope you don't need, and surely a move in the friend zone.

For sure whatever you do, will change things, for the better, maybe, maybe not.

Everypone have said mostly everything there is to say, but here are my 2 cents.long distance relationships DO NOT WORK. It has been proven over and over so the boyfriend is not an issue. The worse thing you can do is tell her how you feel right now.give yourself time to get to know her maybe she is not who you think she is and the chemistry that you feel is not what she feels.sometimes we see what we want to see(I have made that mistake many times) trust me if she does see that you can make her happy she will let you know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You have feelings, and want more than a friendship, but does she???

I think you are the one with the confusion, as she has not made any attempt to change a thing.

Life is full of risks, so you can let her know how you feel, and maybe ruin this friendship, or enjoy it for what it is. The bottom line is how you deal with it.

Me, I balance my life to include more than just her, and make sure of my own feelings, before I just unload on someone else.

Stay out of her business, thats false hope you don't need, and surely a move in the friend zone.

For sure whatever you do, will change things, for the better, maybe, maybe not.

And this, IMO is the best advice I've read. (Sorry Tal, have to spread some rep.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by CanaJUB

So I guess my questions are:
Is it necessarily right for me to have feeling for her, while she's in a relationship?
Should I tone down our friendship?
Is it acceptable to drop hints that maybe she needs to rethink her current relationship?
Is it wrong to tell her how I feel and possibly jeopardize our friendship?
Essentially, what it all boils down to, is it wrong to want her to leave him so we can be together?

Any other suggestions and pieces of advice if wholly appreciated, especially are there are many angles I have no thought about and a fresh perspective is greatly needed.

1. Your having feelings for her while she is in a relationship are neither right or wrong. It's what you do about them that determines that.

2. If your feelings for her is straining the friendship, then yes, you should tone it down.

3. I think if she ask you for your opinion about her man,give it. Otherwise keep it to yourself.

4. Ask yourself if you're telling her because you want a chance at her, or if you want to help her. That is what will determine the right or wrong of it.

5. If this young lady has no problem being in this long distance relationship you should step aside, and leave her alone because you are thinking of you and what you feel.
When someone is in a relationship with someone, as far as I'm concerned they are off limits to me. If I were to find myself liking that person, I would back off because for me that is just not cool to mess with someone's relationship.
Only you know what your motives are. Whatever you decide to do, just be willing and ready to face whatever consequences transpire.

I'm amazed at how morally scrupulous some people here are and how unscrupulous others are. It's almost like there's no middle ground.

I recently had this whole problem. Met a girl in a tour group, we were on the trip for a month. Got on well, nearer the end, we were pretty much "together". She was 'seeing' someone before the trip, nothing serious, never had a serious relationship in fact.

Made 'promises' to meet. Initially we kept in contact than over time less and less. Now nothing. She decided not to meet with me until our group reunion. There is a long distance issue and we both want to do different things in the mean time. Who knows what the future holds, she might be with someone now and didn't want to hurt my feelings? Who knows...

I made my views known to her though and that's all you can do with this girl. I know I won't have any regrets. I said what I needed to say. The ball in her court or your girls court. If they don't want to play ball, let it go, for your own sake.

You can continue to be a friend? But this will only end up in your own misery. Concentrate on other things as I am trying to do, cut out the contact, plan other things etc. When I meet up with this girl in a month I am sure ill ask her face to face how she felt... However at the end of the day, try not to go to attached, make it fun, stay away from attached people and keep a separate fulfilled life always!

I am going through something similar. A girl I like has a long distance boyfriend. Here's my opinion:

Breaking them up by trick, slight, sneak, on purpose will seem as a ploy to the girl, and she would be right, it is.

However you seem like you feel strongly for this girl and I do my girl. So what I would say is that if you two are friends, and the flirtatiousness is there, then she may be weighing her options. You must give it time... I know its hard, but only hang out with her if she truly is your friend and NOT because you're waiting to date or be in a relationship with her.

In all reality there is NO SUCH THING as the FRIEND ZONE or if there is, its meaning and description are a bit tangled. Its not a place of no return, it actually is like a FAST PASS at disneyland. The women I know, PREFER to date a friend rather than a stranger, because they at least know him a little better.

And by the way, women become your friend because they are curious about you, and the BIGGEST KEY is to be genuine. If your friend likes you as a friend, show her you can be more than a friend. Not by telling her, or sleeping with her... that is one way, but then if you two do become a couple, your relationship will be marred with guilt. SHOW her you care for her, love her. Be nice, but don't be a pushover. Be there when she needs you, but not every waking moment of the day or everyday... that's just creepy.

If this girl you like trusts you enough to hang out with you with just the two of you, she really is contemplating her long distance relationship. Not that it will end, but she's not sure.

So just give it time. If she asks you about liking her, take her aside and tell her the truth face to face. More than likely she already knows the answer and wants to know if you can tell her straight out.

Lastly, be mindful and respectful of her feelings. If you decide to tell her, do it when you two have some free time, do it politely, and not while she's at work, not over the phone or email, but in person if you can. If not in person, then phone is the next best. Be prepared, nothing memorized, but just know what you are going to say and see what she says. Also if you know she has a big event or something the day you want to tell her, you can still do it, but I suggest setting up a time she's not busy. The one thing you don't have to worry about is her boyfriend coming to kick your out of jealousy... that is unless he's in town, if that's the case... wait until he's gone.

Its up to her on what to do, if she feels the same way toward you, then she should break up with her boyfriend. If she doesn't she should tell you. If the latter is true, then, yes it will hurt. There's no guarantee the one you love/like will love/like you back, which is why it makes this very DIFFICULT.

Long distance relationships do work, but they are far and few between and take lots of energy and work, along with trust and hopefully honesty.

-walt