Dear Shannon,
I'm in a similar situation. I've been with my guy for almost 4 years now. For the first 3 1/2 years, it really upset me that he'd been with another girl in that way.. (and she was nasty and "loose" like your b/f's ex). It got so bad that I was crying myself to sleep almost every night thinking/obsessing about it, and my boyfriend considered breaking up with me because he thought I'd be happier without him & that stress. I am saving myself until after we get married, and it hurts that he didn't have that same consideration for his future wife, even if he didn't know who she'd be. I always wanted someone who was a virgin, and who respected himself and his future wife enough to save that special experience just for that one person.
Unfortunately, he is not a virgin, and I was completely in love with him before I found that out, too. It will always hurt me, and part of me will always feel like "another notch in his belt," or like I'm in second-place, you know? I hate the thought that his future experiences with me might jog memories of her, and the act itself is now less special because he's been there & done that. But I have to see past that in order to be happy with this man. He doesn't treat me like another notch in his belt-- he treats me like I'm in first place, and no one else could even come close enough to compare to me. He is now nearly-perfect except for this flaw, and I've always known that he's the one for me. He is very sorry about his past, and he regrets it. He wishes he'd never done it, because it didn't help to make him a better person at all. Doing that just propelled him further into his past icky lifestyle. But he apologizes for it every time it creeps up on me, and he assures me that although I might not be his only one ever, I'm the only one who is actually special to him in that way. He did things with her because of peer pressure and his insecurity, but he will do that with me because he loves me & we will be completely committed to each other in marriage. I'm the one with whom that act will have real significance to him, and I'm the one with whom he will plan his future, have a family, and share his whole life. She was just a dirty speed bump, a stupid huge mistake. I had to learn to let him get up & stay up after tripping over her, let him brush that dirt off, and continue on with me.
I recently read a book ("Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen- maybe you should check it out), which helped me learn to be better at forgiving. It's the only way to get past this sticky point. Actually, after reading that book & forgiving him, our relationship was suddenly so much happier and more loving that he proposed to me! You have to forgive your b/f, and distract yourself when you start thinking about the fact that he's been there with someone else. I think there will always be a bit of resentment there--I know it's always there with me-- but you have to look past it. It will come up on you from time to time, but talk to him about it and allow him to reassure you. Let his honest words touch your heart.
If you're Christian, perhaps getting baptized will help. My fiancé and I will be doing this sometime before we get married. I know it's just symbolic, but if you get baptized together, maybe it'll be easier to remind yourself to forgive him each time those thoughts creep up on you. It will symbolize the cleansing of his body & soul after mistreating them by being with that other girl, and it will symbolize ultimate loving forgiveness. If God can forgive that sin, shouldn't we try to do the same? Oh, and maybe after getting baptized, maybe you could try to abstain until you're married--just so that it can have a little more significance when you are married.:)
My sister also made a good point one time when I was crying about this: No one can change the physical fact that he's not a virgin, but isn't a change of heart more important? My fiancé loves me, he sees his mistakes for what they are, and he has repented them.
I'm sorry this post is so long... I just know where you're coming from. I hope you can let it go enough so that you can be happy with your boyfriend. Forgiveness is a humbling thing. It's so difficult, but so worth just swallowing your pride and forgiving his huge mistake (keyword: mistake).
