Ask Me Help Desk - I'm torn and don't know what to do

I have read the post and almost did not respond but it is stuck in my head.

You have dated this guy for 4 months now. All the while he is living with someone. And according to him it is for the sake of money.
You are sure he has been honest with you all this time. But how can you know? It has only been four months. The whole time he could have been lying and you would not know the difference because he started with a lie.

He sounds as though he has an excuse for everything. Oh, he lost his license or wallet with all the important stuff. Nothing is simple, but wait that license that was lost now was expired and no good anyway.

If everything he has said is actually on the up and up, then one thing you can be sure of - is that $1000 is more important to him than this relationship. You deserve better.

As for the friend. Well, that is a no-brainer. You stay away from any romantic level. Your heart is with this other person. Until you can properly move forward and leave the past behind, you don't need to make a huge leap like that. Your head may not be clear.

You did fine before either of these men, you have your own place, you are taking care of your own bills, etc. You don't need to be taken care of. That part of it - you are doing just fine. Continue to do so.

His license expired on his birthday in March. It's so hard to form an opinion when someone doesn't know the whole story. You all are only getting bits and pieces. My question in the beginning doesn't really have anything to do with these two men specifically and in a way it does. My question is I'm torn and how do I get over it.

On one had I have a guy that in the beginning everything was wonderful and I want that back. Just like I told him this weekend you're not the same person I fell in love with. He's fun, spontaneous, never a dull moment. But I can't lie and say those feelings have dissappeared because they haven't. I still love him. I just wish he would get his priorities straight.

On the other hand, I have a guy that has his life organized and actually do something for me. He's sweet, kind of dull, responsible, makes good money and could actually provide for me in a long term state. That is what I've always looked for.

I love Terry but know he can't do anything for me and Henry which is everything I've looked for in a man but can't let it go with Terry and I don't understand what this hold is that Terry has on me. I just don't get it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaj675

His license expired on his birthday in March. it's so hard to form an opinion when someone doesn't know the whole story. You all are only getting bits and pieces. My question in the beginning doesn't really have anything to do with these two men specifically and in a way it does. my question is i'm torn and how do i get over it.

On one had I have a guy that in the beginning everything was wonderful and i want that back. Just like I told him this weekend you're not the same person I fell in love with. He's fun, spontaneous, never a dull moment. But I can't lie and say those feelings have dissappeared because they haven't. I still love him. I just wish he would get his priorities straight.

On the other hand, I have a guy that has his life organized and actually do something for me. He's sweet, kinda dull, responsible, makes good money and could actually provide for me in a long term state. that is what i've always looked for.

I love Terry but know he can't do anything for me and Henry which is everything i've looked for in a man but can't let it go with Terry and I don't understand what this hold is that Terry has on me. I just don't get it.

It doesn't matter. He can call the license bureau and they can tell him what he needs to do as far as getting his license back. You are making excuses for this guy. No one is judging that-it is OBVIOUS. The only way you are going to be able to let him go is to cut him off completely. Dating his "acquaintance" isn't going to help either. You cannot be ready for somebody new when you are still stuck on the old -period. You want things to be the way they were, but that is not going to happen. As previously stated, even if he were to come back, it would still all be based on lies. And he will end up cheating on you just the same. He is not going to get his priorities straight until you stop babying him (and whoever else he is with too) and believing all of his BS. It is called control and as long as you let him have it, he is never going to change. He is manipulating you and others so that he can continue to be irresponsible. You wanted advice on how to get over this? Stay far, far away from him. You have been told this numerous times, yet you continuously keep coming to his defense. You will only get over him if you let him go. There is no more better advice to give than that. Stop thinking with your heart and start using your head.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaj675

His license expired on his birthday in March. it's so hard to form an opinion when someone doesn't know the whole story. You all are only getting bits and pieces. My question in the beginning doesn't really have anything to do with these two men specifically and in a way it does. my question is i'm torn and how do i get over it.

On one had I have a guy that in the beginning everything was wonderful and i want that back. Just like I told him this weekend you're not the same person I fell in love with. He's fun, spontaneous, never a dull moment. But I can't lie and say those feelings have dissappeared because they haven't. I still love him. I just wish he would get his priorities straight.

On the other hand, I have a guy that has his life organized and actually do something for me. He's sweet, kinda dull, responsible, makes good money and could actually provide for me in a long term state. that is what i've always looked for.

I love Terry but know he can't do anything for me and Henry which is everything i've looked for in a man but can't let it go with Terry and I don't understand what this hold is that Terry has on me. I just don't get it.

Most of the time - the beginning of a relationship is great. All the newness, discovery, etc.
It's called the "honeymoon" phase. Once all of that goes away, the work begins.
You begin to see the flaws in each other - that is normal and natural.

I think, judging by what you have written here, that this Terry guy has been cheating on you and the woman he lives with. If that is how the relationship started - well, that is what you have to look forward to if you decide to stay with this person.

And Henry, while he may be a great guy - again, by what you have written, he only sounds like "friend material". It would be unfair to you and him if you pursued a relationship with him. You heart is not in it. You know that going in - why put yourself through that?

In reality - there is someone out there that is perfect for you. You just have to find him. You are going through the trials and tribulations of dating. Don't settle for anything less because you think this may be the end of the road for you.

And if I have missed something again, I apologize. I am just basing my opinion on what you have told us so far.

That's just it, I've been going through the trials and tribulations of dating for entirely too long. I'm 32, no kids, never been married. My greatest fear is being alone. I want to be married and have a family of my own. I'm getting too old. There's been plenty of times in the past when I passed up something that was great just because I thought there was something greener on the other side. Now they come way too far and between so I'm reluctant to pass up these days.

Your greatest fear should be - being unhappy. Don't look for that magical person to make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself before anyone else can do it.

And by what you just wrote, it sounds like you are settling.
DON'T DO THAT!

Neither one of these guys fits your bill. Each has something about them that you would normally not go for. I think you know that. But your fear of being alone is overridding everything else.

Life doesn't always go the way we think it should. I had my life planned/mapped out. I was going to get married, have a house, have kids all by a certain age.
Well, I did get married, did get a house, but what I wanted more than anything was to be a mom by 25. 25 came and went. I felt almost lost. Angry at my husband for not making my "dream" come true.
My daughter came a couple of years later and looking back on it, if I had had her any sooner - it would have been a disaster. I was not ready. I didn't know it then. But I do now.
Everything happens for a reason. You just may not know what that reason is right now. You will though.

And 32 is not ancient. You are NOT to old!! You are just getting started!

What would you be passing up? If you look at the cold, hard truth of the matter - what are you truly giving up?
One man is living a lie, he will bring those lies with him. You will not be happy. You will not find the white picket fence, stability, etc.
The other man, he says all the right things, but your heart is not in it. You will not know passion, you will not know true love with him.
Now, it could be with this one, that your timing is off. Maybe (and that is a big maybe) once you have fully let go of this other man, you could consider moving on with Henry. But right now, your heart isn't in it.

I talked to Terry and asked him if he would get his things out of my house. I told him that I didn't want to be a part of his little charade anymore and that if and when he was truly single and I didn't have someone in my life that maybe we could possibly try to work on something with just the two of us. He didn't like that idea and asked me to give him a few days that he was trying to get his belongings organized and out of her house. He also got a copy of his id so he is still working on getting a job. He's still adimate that he loves me and wants to work on a meaningful relationship with me and that he'll just die if I leave him now. He said regardless of what happens even if we don't work out he is still moving out that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with this other girl. I can't stand this. Just get your stuff and get out.

Henry on the other hand is a basket case. He calls me at least 10 times a day just to say hi. He was crying Friday night because he was trying to call me and I had my ringer turned off so I could get some rest. He knows that I still have feelings for Terry, but let his feelings get involved anyway.

This is just not healthy!
You were right to tell Terry that if and when he is truly free - then maybe.
I would stick to your guns on that one.

Henry, well, I don't know - crying because he couldn't get intouch with you? Watch that one - he may be stalker material.