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To me it sounds like you guys are right. As for her taking the kids... the only way she could take them is if she is the better parent. If you go to court over costedy then the better parent will be given the kids fully or just be the one that as them more and the other has visitation rights. My aunt has been going through a custody battle over my cousins for a while and I recently went through one with my parents.
As a wife with 3 children and a troubled marriage, I can have no respect for a man that would do this to either woman. He needs to "Crap or get of the pot!" He shouldn't be putting anyone through this pain. If he isn't happy in the marriage, he should leave. This is the coward's way out.
Looks like you are excusing his affair by saying she had affairs.Quote:
Originally Posted by jacksgirl
Why ask for opinions if you are going to shoot them down? People on here have very different lifestyles and opinions, and still have respect enough not to red dot each other.
If all you want is validation just affirm the posts that agree with you.
Have any of you paid attention the fact of why he won't leave? He doesn't want to put his kids through that! As a person who has had to go through that crap I congratualte this guy for thinking of his kids first! My parents have never been together! Every time I brought up one parent to the other or they had problems I had to listen to my mom or dad talk about how the other was such a bad person. My dad go so mad once about my mom that he told me where they met, at a strip club and my mom being a stripper! It hurts to go through that as a kid, because no matter what after a separation one or both the parents are going to try and get the kids affection by making the other seem like a bad guy. Then there are the custody battles. My mom and dad were going through one from the time I was 12 till I was 16 when I finally said I just wanted to stay with my mom! I can honestly say that I'd bet that if the guy didn't have kids with his wife yet he'd leave her.
A lot of the people replying to this question are automatically getting on this guy cause he is cheating on his wife or jacksgirl for letting the affair go on. Most of you guys aren't looking at the big picture and you aren't looking at all the sides of the story.
Just remember what goes around comes around!
If he is doing it to his wife he might do it to you after!
Listen tell him how you feel and if you truly love him...
Tell him that he needs to take a decision and you guys won't have contact till then!
Cuz he won't take any decision until you give him a ultimatium! He has the comfort... Someone to have sexual intercourse and someone that gives him the security of being home and cooking!
It's not right for you as it's not right for his wife! Just put yourself in her shoes!
Would you like it if your husband did the same?
If YOU wonder if it could be a put on , what do you think anyone else would say? He has had an affair with you for 10 months, If he is in fact staying because of the children, yet he says there is constant fighting going on it is bad for the children. Also, aren't they very young, how long is he staying for their sake? Are you waiting till they turn 18?Quote:
Originally Posted by jacksgirl
Ok, I am not going to judge you. Let's remove that 100% and see what we have:
A lot of people are sleeping with a lot of people....Him/you/Ex's...
The question: Does he love me? The answer: Yes and NO. He loves your safe life and your conversations but he does not love you enough to blow up his kids life further.
This is a sad situation...and the one of you that's stronger will be the one to force a decision. Continuing on as you are is just paddling towards a waterfall while whistling a happy tune.
WHat do you have now?
1) A guy you like who is married.
2) A guy who likes you who is married
3) 3 kids who know nothing
4) a wife who knows nothing
A) How long do you think this can last?
B) what do you want to happen?
C) how do you visualize it hapenning?
In my experience here and elsewhere, the marriage will crumble. But then what?
D) Are you ready to wait?
E) What do you want to have with him?
Just because someone else has done it doesn't mean you have the right to stoop to their level.Quote:
Originally Posted by BiWiccanAndProud
And in response to jacksgirl, It really doesn't phase me that it was harsh it's the truth and needed to be told.
I saw the entire picture, (that had been depicted by you) in the first place, but you do not know the circumstances do you?
For all you know the guy could have told it to you in order to justify his relationship with her, and cheating on his wife.
How could he like about that? This lady had an affair with jacksgirl's ex husband. Kind of hard to miss that one.
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Originally Posted by BiWiccanAndProud
And when is it paid up? When is it going to level off and be wrong? It's been 10 months now... How much longer does "the big picture" go on for until it starts to become unjustifiable, regardless of your personal spite? If it goes on, she will inevitably find out, one day she will tell the kids and that would be unhealthy for them and him. He has no intention of leaving her and you are simply being used! It really is that simple. It's always the same BS when I read these posts, reasons turn into excuses and excuses turn into reasons. They are all alike. If you are not being used then call him on it now, and stop fearing that he will choose her. I think in your heart of hearts you know what is happening.
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Originally Posted by jacksgirl
Yeah, I would assume it is his child until proven differently. The laws on infidelity have changed in mostly all of western society I think since the 80's. She could cheat on him and vice versa, it does not matter anymore about who was loyal and who was not, the courts would not even acknowledge that because it is not divorce court and is not relevant to the needs of the children. Custody should be shared evenly unless he/she is unable to provide for the children, or there are other factors we do not know about. It really is just another excuse. The fact that she is pregnant is just one more reason you should reevaluate this situation, my goodness... My X cheated on me and I gave her another chance and that was it. I could have done what he is doing and somehow come up with a thousand excuses for having done it, but ultimately I am a logical person with a conscience. And at the end of you're message quoted above you said you do not know what it feels like to be the other woman. You are the other woman.
I just noticed the time difference I am in Australia it is actually 9.11 am on Saturday morning. I wouldn't like anyone to think I am actuall sitting up all hours of the night.
And that would make it 5:12 pm here in Edmonton Albera Canada. Big time difference... By the way, is his name Jack?
You'd be a lot more happy if you can stop hurting his children... the most you can do is to never make it more impossible for him and his wife to work things out... but if you do not like the idea of doing a favor for the sake of others then start thinking for the good of yourself.. spare yourself from guilt feelings, you deserve to be good and happy. At the end of the day, only one thing never fails to work, prayer!
It's not really about her hurting his children yet, it's about preventing that and other things. Men can be very manipulative and controlling, and I'm sorry to say but, some woman can be very vulnerable, in terms of love and gullibility. I have tried to speak through help desk to several woman in this scenario and I have a hard time putting a lot of blame on them. Jacks girl seems like a nice person who got caught up with a married man. And her original question was "does he like me or is he using me? Jacks girl or "one of Jacks girls" has been pretty brave to stay on here and read some of the criticism she has had to endure while seeking help using this thread. Most woman who have these types of problems only make it about two pages. :-)
First, you're posting on here because you are not happy. This is not your ideal scenario. So think about who is helping put you in this situation. Who holds the ball here? Is it you? No. Is it the married wife? No.
Is it the man? Yes. He holds the ball. It's time to take the ball back and tell him you are not playing. Do not listen to all his excuses. Him being with you does not mean he is leaving his children. This is a sure fact, so there must be something else that is preventing him from doing the right thing, and you know what that is? It's that it's easier to do the wrong thing and sometimes it's easier for a man to be a coward and not own up to the truth. And it's so sad that he pulls his children into this and gives an illusion as to them being his excuse and reason for not coming out and FIXING a wrong. Fixing a wrong is EXACTLY WHAT HE IS NOT DOING. He can fix this by having an honest relationship with you two women (and that means he could either be with his wife or with you). Don't let him trick you into thinking that "oh dear, what about my kids" because there are plenty of divorced parents who still see their children! So please, think with logic and do not listen to his emotional excuses.
Of course after ten months of waiting, and him not leaving his wife, you would wondering when the time is going to come where you two can live happily ever after.
And yes, before you give me a sharp “diagree” as you have with some people that have taken the time to post here or have told you the truth, I have read about how his own wife has cheated in the past, and that the man you are having an affair with has hildren with his wife, who also happens to be pregnant. I read it all.
You mentioned how he tears up when you are in bed together. In looking at your responses to others, you put this detail up to also prove that he is not just in it for the sex, but because he truly loves you.
I realize that he may believe he loves you, but this is when a man truly loves a woman: A man loves a woman when he puts his fears aside, and does the right thing for her. This means he will tell his wife what he's been doing, and he will stop putting you two on a hold as he continues to decide when it's safe for him to say something. See, these past ten months have been more about him than it has been about you or his wife. And they certainly have not been about his children because if they were, he would act responsibly and discontinue an unhappy home so that they may live with a healthy father and mother (not two parents that fight and go off and have affairs for ten months at a time!). He would have a divorce, if that's what's needed. But for some reason, he's continuing to play this coward game. What a choice!
He may love you, but he clearly does not love you the way you want to be loved, or the way you should be loved. You know what way you deserve to be loved; you deserve to be loved by a man who is not married. You need someone who is yours. By continuing to wait it out, especially after ten months, you're actually bringing your worth value down as a woman. A man knows that most women will not put up with this situation... but this guy sees you as someone who will continue being the other woman (even after ten months). Please show him otherwise.
Do you think you can do better than this situation? I should hope so. Don't listen to his excuses. People with children have divorces all the time and our society is famous for it. If a man feels like doing the right thing, he will. And let me say that there is nothing wrong with you two being together, BUT only when he is not married.
Let me ask you: why should he do the right thing now, by being honest and telling his wife the truth?
He won't do the right thing because he doesn't see that he needs to. He actually won't do the right thing because you're allowing this situation to continue.
The right thing right now is not for him to keep lying to his wife. He needs to tell her the truth, but you are making it easy for him to not have to. I suggest you leave him and see what he does. Move on and make yourself worth more than this type of situation.
I would say he is real jerk if he can not face his wife and solve the problem than he isn't no man he is a chicken and a great lier I'm telling you he only wants you for sex nothing else and very soon he will leave you so it is beta for you to stay away beofre it is too late don't let him use you have respect for yourself and other women in this World!!
If you all (your ex, his ex, you, him) were perfect... this would still be a disaster.
Pregnancies... Infidelity... Lies... are causing you and him a lot of sleepless nights.
So, how do you get your head right and find peace of mind?
DO THE RIGHT THING - ASAP.
Hint: it won't be easy. Only you know what that is...
They are working on it guys! He's not trying to hurt anyone he's trying to protect his kids and still be happy! This guy's getting ready to just go through the divorce and try for custody battles! You don't know what kind of hell that is! A lot of men would divorce his wife for his mistress and not even think about this family but this guy is and you all are trying to make HIM sound like the bad guy!
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Originally Posted by BiWiccanAndProud
I must have missed something, are you getting info I am not getting? Is he really about to leave his wife now? That is so odd, since Jacks girl is clearly showing some :confused: as to his intentions in this relationship.
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