I like this guy at work and I want to hang out with him outside of work (maybe even as a date), but I really don't want to wait around for him to ask me because he may never do it. Here's the thing though. I don't know if he is single or taken. How do I go about asking it without it looking like I'm trying to figure out if I can have him? And if he doesn't have a girlfriend, how do I ask him out? I am not used to the whole girl asking guy out thing, I usually wait for the guy to ask me, but I feel like I lose so many opportunities by waiting and want to just come right out and ask a guy out. I'm really shy so this isn't easy for me and I have no idea what to do.

You didn't say what sort of work environment you are in, but could you invite him to lunch, or to coffee? Maybe offer to get a bunch of people in the office coffee and see if he will help carry. Invite a group to lunch and include him, if possible. Or, if you notice him in the breakroom, take a break at the same time and strike up a conversation. It might take a few conversations to ask if he's seeing anyone, but you will get there. Or, once you start talking to him you might realize he's not so great! :)

Isn't there anyone at work you could ask about this guy? He must go to lunch or coffee with someone from time to time. Ask them if he's 'involved' with anyone. They might even pass the word on that you were asking about him. I remember one time that I thought I'd like to know a guy from work better (a loooong time ago!) and I asked if I could borrow his jacket because I found the air conditioning too cold one day. When I gave it back, I said, "Oh, no! I hope your wife won't think you are fooling around if she smells my perfume on your jacket!" I found out he was married without him even knowing I was interested so saved face! (If the place is perfume free you could substitute "finds any of my hair" for "smells my perfume".)

Otherwise, I'd say just take a chance and tell him you'd love to go for coffee sometime if he isn't seeing anyone, of course. He'll be flattered at the very least.

Good luck!

Didi

Arrange for a meeting together. Can be in a group and then talk to him when he's not in a conversation with anyone, or talk to him alone. Either way just take things slow at first, this guy that your interested in may turn out to be a real jerk.

I am a server at a restaurant and he is a host... the coffee ideas are great, but they don't really work for my job. We don't leave the restaurant until our shift is over.

STARGAZER. It looks like you and me are in the same boat. It's a guy for you and it's a girl for me.

Well, then, this is a little easier! Why don't you ask him if his wife minds the hours he puts in? If he says he isn't married then you can say, "Oh, sorry! How about your girlfriend? What kind of work does she do?" That will open the door. You can follow it up (or even start it) by saying something like "Glad I'm not married (or in a steady relationship). I don't know if a husband would be tolerant of these hours."

If you are uncomfortable with that, why not walk out around the same time as him and say, "I think I'll go unwind for a bit at xxxxxx. Want to come along?" If he comes, you can ask if he's involved with someone in the conversation.

Good luck!

Oh, and maybe you should find out where niss66 works. Maybe it's the same place! :)

Didi

Hi Grammadidi. Well, she said restaurant, but my profession is different. I go to the cafeteria at work and the girl works here... :) She is yet not my girlfriend, but would love to...

Hope this helps! I have already asked her out... she said "I don't know" maybe due to our companies policies. So, she was trying to be careful. But, I am going to ask her out again this week or next week and I just wanted to give her sometime. I have entered more details about my problem in another location in this forums. You could check it out. Here is the Subject?

Should I ask her out again?

Your ideas are great if we were an older crowd. I do not think he is married. He is 20 and I am 18. I'm thinking about trying to get a bunch of people to go bowling because I love to bowl and I haven't in awhile so maybe that will work. I HOPE HE LIKES TO BOWL! ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nis66

Should I ask her out again?

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YES, you should!

Don't give up so easily on what you really want.

This is Carrot, right? He's the one who's 20. :p
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ose-99775.html
I initially suggested to go for Gospel, but it seems like you're too much into Carrot.

If you feel like he would never ask you out, you're probably right. In your place, I wouldn't do anything (unfortunately!) but this would be the WORST thing to do! So, do something...

What about casually talking to him one day and then ask him to go for a walk or something? I mean, a walk is not a big deal and after all, it's just a walk. But it would give you the chance to see him outside of work and talk to him on a different level.
If you can't ask him directly if he wants to go for a walk, then you have to come up with something else. For instance, you talk about what he did last week-end and bla, bla, bla and then he asks what did you do. Then, just say you went to a really cool place and make him interested as to find out more about that place, but don't tell him what that place is just yet. You sound funny, so you shouldn't have problems getting the message across, if you see what I mean. So, keep on being funny and playful and... smile. All of a sudden, he'll seem interested and then all of a sudden you have to go back to work, so just leave him wondering.. or ask him if he would want to go with you someday, maybe next Saturday at 5 PM cause you're free then. And tell him, "I'm sure you'd like it!" :p

Now, figure out what that "cool place" could be. Sorry, I have no idea right now... Don't make it a big deal though.

Let me know if this helps. Otherwise, we can figure out something else! More interesting... :p And if ever it turns out that he's taken, you can always be friends. After all, you still have Gospel... :) (just kidding!)

I'm sitting in my room right now, on the 2nd story of this house, and I look out the sliding door that leads to the balcony outside. On the balcony is a very small bird, and it's hopping around, trying to find food. Finding none, it dives off the balcony's handrail, freefalling towards the cement driveway below. A few feet before it appears the poor bird will be crushed by the fall, it spreads its wings and flaps, gliding safely to the driveway, continuing its quest.

Now, I got to tell you--if I'd been asked to dive off the balcony, even if there were a huge mattress below, I'd have been deathly afraid. But this bird was more than willing to take a nose-dive off a ledge that was easily 50 times its height, because it's something that it does regularly. I imagine a new-born bird wouldn't have been so daring, but this one, having mastered something that nature gave it, does it without any thought.

Think: something that is perfectly natural to a bird scares the living daylights out of me. Isn't that interesting?

No?

Well then how 'bout this: if you don't hit on Carrot today, some other girl will tomorrow. Why? Because for every shy person out there, there are like 10 others who have no problem doing what you're not willing to do because they practice it regularly.

So get over your shyness now and just ask him out. Guys have absolutely no problem with it.

Oh, and if you're not willing to ask him straight out, then at least insinuate that you're interested. Talk to him more often. Make physical contact (touch his shoulder, playfully slap his hand, etc.). Wear scandalously revealing outfits (bonus: gets you more tips from male and lesbian customers).

Girlfriend or no, if he's interested, he'll ask you out. And if he won't, just ask him. This is the 21st century for chrissakes, women should have ruled the earth long ago.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by huno

Girlfriend or no, if he's interested, he'll ask you out.

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Not sure about this! Although I used to believe it was true... Not anymore.

If they're shy, the more they're interested, the more it's hard to ask.

Even worse, when they are 100% interested and 100% shy, they won't ask at all. :rolleyes:

Agree or disagree...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kristynn

If they're shy, the more they're interested, the more it's hard to ask.

Even worse, when they are 100% interested and 100% shy, they won't ask at all. :rolleyes:

---

Agree... which is why I do suggest she ask him out at some point. You're right--shy guys take aim, but never pull the trigger, and if they do they fire spitballs instead of bullets.

Now, since stargazer10 flies into a seething rage when every post in her thread isn't advice for her (:)), I'll say this: as a (recovering) shy guy, I would love it if girls took the initiative. Which is why I suggest that you (stargazer) ask him out, or just be very obvious with your hints. Be extra-friendly with him. Laugh at all his jokes, no matter how terrible. And wiggle when you walk.

Ha ha!! I did not go into a seething rage. LOL! Sorry if it seemed that way. And I guess you are right, I need to take the plunge.

Did not get what you said about send some my way the SUBJECT. Well, if you could be more specific I could let you know.

Do you want me to ask you out? I could? :)

So, what happened with Stargazer and (1st choice) Carrot? :p

Nothing yet?

Something?

...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nis66

Did not get what you said about send some my way the SUBJECT. Well, if you could be more specific I could let you know.

Do you want me to ask you out? I could? :)

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That comment was actually for me. :)

Well nothing yet. I haven't really seen him for awhile (meaning I haven't worked with him for about a week or so). I did see him for about a half hour two days ago, but we just talked (more than usual). So nothing has happened yet. But I'm hoping I get the courage to find out if he has a girlfriend soon. Ha ha! I'm too afraid to ask. But I guess I need to just get it over with.

When you talk to him, what do you talk about? You said that you talked to him two days ago, more than usual. Don't tell me that you only talked about the weather!! Talk about movies that you have seen or that you want to see. If there is one that both of you want to see, just say, "Hey, we should go this Wednesday night" (or whatever night you are off on the same day). Your bowling idea sounds like a good one as well.

Here are some other good ideas:

A trip to an amusement park (i.e. Six Flags)
Miniature golf
Go-Karting
Baseball game
Firework display (4th of July is coming up)

All of the above could be done as a group or eventually just the two of you if things go well.

My final thought? Just come out and ask him if he is seeing anyone!! If a guy takes the time to talk with you, then he is at least a little bit interested. Is there any way that you can ask some of the people you work with to see if they happen to know if he has someone? Does he ever have any friends that come in to the restaurant that don't work there? Are any of them girls? Simply put, you will never know anything unless you ask questions.

Mom, that is great advice.

Let's see what do we talk about. We talk about school and Virginia (and how much I hated it there and how much I love Florida better). He tells me about living in New Hampshire and how he likes Florida better too. Umm. He told me and another girl (we were all talking together) about how he likes to fix up cars. And I just realized that the only time we really talked was when that other girl was there. GREAT! He probably is interested in her, not me. :(

I need to have a conversation with just him. And I will definitely find out if he is taken or single. Next time we work together, I will do it. Wish me luck!

AND to Kristynn. I worked with Gospel today (the one you said I should go after, I believe)... And we talked about all kinds of stuff. Marriage came up (ha ha! He told me about how his friend just proposed and how he can't see himself getting married yet). He's 21. So I guess I can't really interpret that as a commitment problem (phew!). We talked about a couple past relationships. We talked about work (ugh!). I can't remember anything else off the top of my head, but it was a very good conversation.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stargazer10

AND to Kristynn. I worked with Gospel today (the one you said I should go after, I believe)... And we talked about all kinds of stuff. Marriage came up (ha ha! he told me about how his friend just proposed and how he can't see himself getting married yet). He's 21. So I guess I can't really interpret that as a commitment problem (phew!). We talked about a couple past relationships. We talked about work (ugh!). I can't remember anything else off the top of my head, but it was a very good conversation.

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:D See, told ya' you should go for Gospel. I'm just kidding, obviously. :p

Maybe you don't ask Carrot enough questions when you two are having a conversation. Don't be afraid to start a conversation with him anytime you see him by himself. Just start the conversation and the rest will follow. And if you want to know something, ASK! I believe there's nothing wrong with asking. Joke and make fun of him in a nice way.. just about anything. Or you can even say something like "your girlfriend won't be proud of you! :p " if he does something 'bad' or screws up something... You might find out what you're looking for! (It would work for me, I guess). Or if you have the guts to and you two you're having a conversation during a break or something.. casually just ask him "so, where's your girlfriend?" and smile. He can't avoid to answer and he can't say "it's none of your business" either. I know it's pretty straight-forward but he ignores your intentions for now (doesn't he?)... so, you have nothing at all to lose!

Good luck!
(I don't know why but I think he's single)

I think he is single too. Just because he has never mentioned a girl at all. Just his "friends" which lumps them all together and I really don't think he's the kind to play down a girlfriend.

But guess what. We get to add another one to the mix. I'll call him Mr. Good Bar. It seems like I have attracted all the guys at my work except the one I want!! Ha ha... that's how it always is, isn't it?

I went out last night to a bar... shhh! Don't tell on me. ;) I went out with a bunch of friends from work. I don't know if it was the alcohol, but this Mr. Good Bar was by my side for most of the night, whispering randomosities in my ear, telling me I looked beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I was flattered, but I'm not too sure about this one. He's 25... 7 years difference. My only thought is, "what are his intentions? to score a cute 18 yr old... probably." Although maybe not. I don't think I can judge this one yet. He asked me to hang out Monday, I told him I would consider it and let him know (I didn't want to make any decisions while under the influence). What do you think? I mean going out with him can't hurt. Right?

O and Mr. Good Bar has a girlfriend. Although he says that he is stuck with her because they share an apartment and that he isn't happy being with her anymore. I'm thinking I need to stay out of it. But I'm dying for friends here because I just moved to Florida and don't know ANYONE!

Oh God... is this the 4th one? :rolleyes:

I have to say that, you'd better decide which one you want and you're most interested in and go for it cause if you're more or less after four guys at the same time, I'm afraid you won't get any one of them.

Don't even think about adding Mr Good Bar to that "list" of yours.

I'm going to have to disagree with kristynn here. I think you can (lightly) go for all four of them, to see which one makes a move. Once one of them has and you decide you want him, then you commit and quit doing anything to lead the others on.

Right now you're not marrying any of them, you're not even being exclusive with anyone. Just see where it goes and then decide.

Though I will say this: I don't think you want to get mixed up with the one with the GF. You don't want a part of the breakup he and his GF are going to have.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stargazer10

My only thought is, "what are his intentions? to score a cute 18 yr old... probably."

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You know, you're right. That is a concern. Perhaps you should post a picture so we can judge if in fact he is just trying to score a cute 18 year old. Preferably one where you're wearing that scandalously revealing outfit you've been wearing to attract Carrot.

Be yourself, first of all. Be friendly and say hello. Make eye contact and work from there. Sometimes the simplest of gestures get someone's attention. If he says hi back and tries to maintain eye contact, ask him a question. NOthing personal, just something general. Like, how long have you worked here? Or say something like, I am so glad its Friday. Make yourself available for conversation and try to get to know him. Right now isn't the time to ask if he is taken. The idea to go out with a bunch of people is perfect. Remember, the best lovers begin as good friends. Good Luck!!

Older guys can be cool. The can also be creepy and controlling. Be careful and trust your judgement on that. Older guys have more experience (usually) so its up to you, just remember you are young and that is attractive in itself!! Enjoy your time being out with guys as friends, its much easier without any strings attached.

It's all great advice. I worked with Mr Good Bar tonight and lets just say it was so awkward. Yet I still think he's thinking about going after me (just a little). Gospel and I are so friendly now, he gives me back massages during work (tonight was horrible on my back). But, I'm not attracted to him in that way at all. Sad, I know because he is probably the best bet in this situation. Divinci is definitely out of the picture. Him and his girlfriend are fighting a lot (and technically he never really was an option). Carrot... I haven't seen in years. So that attraction is wearing off, but I bet next time I see him, I'll just be head over heels again. I'm actually drawn to Mr Good Bar for some reason. Maybe it's the "can't have" attraction.

What's hilarious is that this situation is so freaking new to me. I mean, I rarely have guys going after me. But for some reason, they are all about me now. What the hell?

Here are my thoughts on each one:

Carrot - I think you should continue to pursue him. Don't assume that he likes the other girl, as you don't know for a fact. It may be a coincidence that she is always present when you and he talk. Another idea: Clip something out of the newspaper that would interest him and give it to him. I don't think that the other girl would think about doing this and this would give you the advantage because you are showing that you are hearing him, not just listening to him. Clip something out of the newspaper about something going on that interests you and him and then invite him to go with you.

Gospel - The fact that you know that he is interested in you means that the challenge is gone. Think deep down about why you are not interested in him. Really soul search. Make a pro and con list of the qualities and then decide. If the attraction is just not there, then it is not there and you cannot force it. However, don't continue to lead him on. Be straight forward with him about your feelings. If you just want to be friends, then tell him that. Think of the way that you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed.

Divinci - He has a girlfriend. Stay away from him. If he breaks up with her, then maybe. However, I think that you are conflicted on this one and that he never really was one of the ones you were truly interested in anyway. You may be just interested in adding him to your collection for attention seeking purposes only, to say that there are numerous guys out there who want you.

Mr. Good Bar - Again, this one has a girlfriend. I don't care if things are not going well with her. He is still living with her. Why? If it is so bad, then why won't he leave? He is not married so don't let him tell you that it is a difficult situation. He wants his cake and eat it too. As long as he is still living with her, you will never be the number one. I think that he is a player, plain and simple. Be very careful with this one and go with your gut instinct. If it does not feel right, then it probably is not right. So many girls/women make the mistake of not listening to their guts and this gets them in trouble. Remember, if he can do it once, he will do it again. What happens if things do move forward, you move in together and things get kind of difficult. Don't kid yourself that things would be different. He most likely would do the same things to you. Finally, drunken advances are never a good thing. He knows that you do not have a lot of experience, that you are vulnerable and he is feeding on this.

Ulitimately, you are the one to make the decision. Good luck to you. Bottom line, you need to find out why you are in the situations that you are in and then you will be able to make better decisions.

Hope this helps!!

MOM... your advice was so clear and actually helped me lots. I have thought about things and have definitely decided that I want to pursue Carrot. He seems the most genuine out of the four. He's sweet, respectful, and is probably the only person at my work willing to help other people do their jobs. He actually asks ME if I need help. Usually I have to beg people to help me out. So basically, he is cute and has an awesome personality. That pretty much makes him amazing to me. The only problem is my self-confidence is down the tubes when I'm around a guy with all them qualities. Almost as if I don't deserve him.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stargazer10

The only problem is my self-confidence is down the tubes when I'm around a guy with all them qualities. Almost as if I don't deserve him.

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Well, speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that this can be a very debilitating problem. I personally suffered from low-self esteem for many, many years (actually, I'm not completely over it, but it's getting better). It's hard to "be yourself" when you think "yourself" isn't good enough.

Low self-esteem can arise as a result of many factors, though one that I was personally affected by the most was paying too much attention to other people, particularly people who were critical, obnoxious and just straight up bad.

What I learned is that I tended to pay attention to a select few individuals instead of looking at the "bigger picture." I always thought that, because one or two people didn't like my ways and were constantly on me about how I'm not funny or I'm not personable or whatever, I shouldn't be myself in public--I always thought I should just keep my mouth shut and never say anything. Well, I started realizing that a few people don't make up a majority and I started paying attention to the big picture.

Now that I am more objective about things, I am a much more mellow person. And I'm comfortable making racy jokes about how you should be wearing scandalously revealing outfits. :)

What I'm trying to tell you is that you probably have no reason to have low self-esteem. You're very personable and you should be yourself, confident that people will like you for who you are.

You absolutely have what it takes to get yourself a tasty nutritious Carrot. Go for it!

Thank you huno :)

Well I found out today... Carrot has a girlfriend according to Divinci. What's sad though is that Divinci said to me that I could probably take him away from her and I was like "really? how long have they been dating"... and then I realized that the whole concept was a BAD IDEA and I told Divinci that I wasn't going to meddle with that. So no Carrot, no Divinci, and no Mr Good Bar. All that's left is Gospel and I am not attracted to him. I'ts funny how life works. :(

Dear Stargazer,

Yes, it's funny how life works sometimes. Unfortunately. But if Gospel is not for you, don't worry. There are other better Carrots out there.

But still, you should find out by yourself directly from Carrot whether he has a girlfriend or not so that you can have this whole story clear once and for all.

Whatever he's going to say, you'd still have him as a friend, won't you?

Of course I would still have him as a friend. He's a very nice guy, funny, smart, and ambitious. I just wish he was single. But, since he's not. Maybe in the future he will be. But, by then I'll probably have moved on.

It's always good to have friends. If only for dating purposes, they can introduce you to other people and pretty soon you'll have a whole variety of Carrots, Cucumbers, Tomatoes, and other such varieties of vegetables to choose from.

I agree with Kristynn. You should ask Carrot. That way you will know for sure. If he DOES have a girlfriend, DON'T pursue him any further, as cheating or going after someone who has a significant other is NEVER the right thing to do. I would still talk to him as a friend even if he does have a girlfriend; there is nothing wrong with that.

I have a question, what is the rush to have a boyfriend? The fact that you said that "All that's left is Gospel and I am not attracted to him. I'ts funny how life works" kind of makes me feel that you would rather be with someone than be alone. There are so many people in this world and you are existing in only a small fraction of it. If you don't like what you see, PLEASE keep in mind that you have a lot more living to live, a lot more places to see and a lot more people to meet. There is nothing wrong with being alone, being selective and not settling. Always try to identify what it is you want in a relationship and make sure that it is realistic. In other words, wanting someone who has the bank account the likes of Donald Trump and thinking that there will only be good times is being unrealistic. However, wanting someone who communicates with you, treats you the way that you want to be treated and knowing that there will be good times AND bad times, even in the best of relationships, is being realistic.

You may want to look up what codependency means because people who suffer from low self-esteem often fall into this category. I know that I did!! Your only true happiness will come from yourself and not from someone else. Finally, keep in mind that even the most secure people suffer from low self-esteem at times. After all, that is what makes us human; it is called feelings.

Keep your head high and keep your focus on the things that are important to you. Stop worrying about what people think about you because then you are not being yourself. Be true to yourself and most likely people will be true to you.

Again, sorry for the long post. I just saw a lot of the same things that I was feeling when I was your age. I just wish that I knew then what I know now!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mom of 2

I agree with Kristynn. You should ask Carrot. That way you will know for sure. If he DOES have a girlfriend, DON'T pursue him any further, as cheating or going after someone who has a significant other is NEVER the right thing to do. I would still talk to him as a friend even if he does have a girlfriend; there is nothing wrong with that.

I have a question, what is the rush to have a boyfriend? The fact that you said that "All that's left is Gospel and I am not attracted to him. I'ts funny how life works" kind of makes me feel that you would rather be with someone than be alone. There are so many people in this world and you are existing in only a small fraction of it. If you don't like what you see, PLEASE keep in mind that you have a lot more living to live, a lot more places to see and a lot more people to meet. There is nothing wrong with being alone, being selective and not settling. Always try to identify what it is you want in a relationship and make sure that it is realistic. In other words, wanting someone who has the bank account the likes of Donald Trump and thinking that there will only be good times is being unrealistic. However, wanting someone who communicates with you, treats you the way that you want to be treated and knowing that there will be good times AND bad times, even in the best of relationships, is being realistic.

You may want to look up what codependency means because people who suffer from low self-esteem often fall into this category. I know that I did!!! Your only true happiness will come from yourself and not from someone else. Finally, keep in mind that even the most secure people suffer from low self-esteem at times. After all, that is what makes us human; it is called feelings.

Keep your head high and keep your focus on the things that are important to you. Stop worrying about what people think about you because then you are not being yourself. Be true to yourself and most likely people will be true to you.

Again, sorry for the long post. I just saw a lot of the same things that I was feeling when I was your age. I just wish that I knew then what I know now!!!

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Mom,

I am definitely NOT settling. I was more reacting to the fact that I had had so many choices of guys, but the one guy I wanted to have a relationship with was already taken. I am NOT going to go out with Gospel for this reason. I am NOT thinking about dating Gospel at all. I am definitely okay with being single. I am NOT okay with being alone however. So I will continue to talk to these guys as friends and I will definitely spend time with them. And maybe down the road I will be attracted to Gospel in that way, but right now, No. The original intent of this thread was how to break away from my shyness and ask Carrot out. But along the way a few things happened which kind of confused me. I am a girl who likes to please. Saying no to Mr Good Bar when he asked me out was hard because I know it kind of took a chunk out of his confidence. I don't like being rejected and, in turn, I don't like rejecting people. That was the main issue here. I didn't know if maybe I should give Gospel and Mr Good Bar a shot. But your advice helped in that I finally accepted what I already knew which is that I have to stick to my morals. I shouldn't go after someone who has a girlfriend and I shouldn't let them come after me. I also shouldn't lead someone on.

A relationship is something that I am ready to experience and that I WANT to experience. However, it doesn't define me. I do not NEED a boyfriend. Maybe a few friendships would be better. No pressure and most likely no hurt.

~Star Gazer