Ask Me Help Desk - I can't tell if my boyfriend just worries a lot, or is controlling.

I can't tell if my boyfriend just worries a lot, or is controlling.

I love my boyfriend (I'll refer to him as B for privacy). We've been together for 7 months, and it's like a dream. But he doesn't give me as much space as I need, and has "refused" to allow me to do a few things. And it's making me rethink the relationship.

From my past boyfriend, B is a huge step up. But he's clingy. A few weeks back, my ex sent me a message apologizing for the way he treated me, and asking if we could be friends. I was okay with it, I'd forgiven him, but I decided to ask B, because I knew that he would want to know. He was absolutely against it. He refused to even hear my side because he was afraid that my ex would snake his way in-between us and drive us apart. I talked to a couple of my other guy friends about this (who for a time B hated, but he's over that), and they said that it probably was in my best effort to not talk to my ex. I trust their advice, so I told him, that I didn't want problems to arise between B and I.

Yesterday a group of my friends were thinking about a weekend getaway to Kings Island for Halloween. There would be us four, without significant others. I knew that B wouldn't be able to go because of his mom. When I called B to ask, he said that he wasn't able to go, like I suspected. When he learned that my guy friends were going too, it was an instant no. Even though these are the same guys who look out for me every day in college and are my closest friends. They are my brothers, figuratively speaking.

I decided to wait it out, talk to him later about it, and have T (one of the guys mentioned above), talk to him and explain it. But B still refused. He doesn't even want me going up to Morehead for a weekend to spend time with my close friends up there. I was supposed to go to Morehead with them, but because of shortage of funds, I'm at ACTC tech.

I hate being restricted. I would have been okay with it, if these were the only two things that have happened, but B gets so upset if I forget to send him a message as soon as I wake up, or when I get home. He always wants to know where I'm at and what I'm doing. He says that he can't live without me, that he "needs" me.

I just don't know what to do. Can someone help me please?

He is controlling. He has no right to tell you who you can talk to or where you can go, And why are you asking him? He has refused to allow you to do a few things? Does he pay your tuition, your bills, is he your daddy?
Let this one go. He will make your life miserable

Real love means trust, willingness to give the partner space. If there's no trust...

Well, he claims to be worried about my safety, and he apologizes and promises to make it up to me later. He's constantly asking me "Why do you put up with me?" etc. He really is a great guy. But... I don't know. He claims to trust me, he just doesn't trust other people. He wants me to wear my hair up when I'm not around him, and there are certain jeans or shirts that I can only wear around him. The thought of losing him kills me, but I hate being restricted as well.

This boy has issues and you need to stop enabling him. You have only been with him 7 months and he's telling you what to wear, were to go and who to talk to? It will only get worse. You need to leave him alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmeade0038

Well, he claims to be worried about my safety, and he apologizes and promises to make it up to me later. he's constantly asking me "Why do you put up with me?" etc. He really is a great guy. But... I don't know. he claims to trust me, he just doesn't trust other people. He wants me to wear my hair up when I'm not around him, and their are certain jeans or shirts that I can only wear around him. The thought of losing him kills me, but I hate being restricted as well.

He doesn't trust YOU. Why can't you see that?

What part of him is a "great guy"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

He doesn't trust YOU. Why can't you see that?

What part of him is a "great guy"?

The part of him that's a great guy is he tells me everything, he doesn't look at other girls, he makes me feel, loved and needed. Showers me with gifts even though I don't need them to be happy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmeade0038

The part of him that's a great guy is he tells me everything, he doesn't look at other girls, he makes me feel, loved and needed. Showers me with gifts even though I don't need them to be happy.

Now, let's think about that. Why the showering with gifts? Because he loves you--or for some other reason?

He knows guys check you out because he checks out other women. It's the nature of the male. I don't believe he doesn't notice other women, even in a cursory way.

Is his effort to make you "feel loved and needed" part of his "locking you in" process?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Now, let's think about that. Why the showering with gifts? Because he loves you--or for some other reason?

He knows guys check you out because he checks out other women. It's the nature of the male. I don't believe he doesn't notice other women, even in a cursory way.

Is his effort to make you "feel loved and needed" part of his "locking you in" process?

Well, I know that when we watch movies, if there's even the slightest bit of nudity, even a woman in a bathing suit, etc, he looks away and asks me to tell him when it's off the screen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmeade0038

Well, I know that when we watch movies, if there's even the slightest bit of nudity, even a woman in a bathing suit, etc, he looks away and asks me to tell him when it's off the screen.

Is he a very religious person? What has his upbringing been like that he is so rigid?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Is he a very religious person? What has his upbringing been like that he is so rigid?

No, he's not very religious. He just believes that when you are in a relationship with someone, then you should be loyal to them. He views seeing someone as attractive a form of cheating. Or looking at any form of nudity other than your partners. Because it makes you lust after that other person. Essentially, when you are with someone, you shouldn't be attracted to ANYONE else in the slightest way.

This guy has issues and he is going to drive you crazy. How old is he?

He wants to mold you into someone who is like him. He want to control and change you. How old are you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmeade0038

No, he's not very religious. He just believes that when you are in a relationship with someone, then you should be loyal to them. He views seeing someone as attractive a form of cheating. Or looking at any form of nudity other than your partners. Because it makes you lust after that other person. essentially, when you are with someone, you shouldn't be attracted to ANYONE else in the slightest way.

That is a very definite warning sign -- along with the showering of gifts, lack of trust, his directives on hair and clothes, his checking up on your whereabouts (?).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

That is a very definite warning sign -- along with the showering of gifts, lack of trust, his directives on hair and clothes, his checking up on your whereabouts (?).

We're both 18. I'm a few months older then he is. And he does like knowing where I'm at yes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmeade0038

We're both 18. I'm a few months older then he is. And he does like knowing where I'm at yes.

That doesn't turn on flashing warning lights in your brain?

This is a huge red flag.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

That doesn't turn on flashing warning lights in your brain?

Well he says he just likes knowing that I've arrived at places safely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmeade0038

Well he says he just likes knowing that I've arrived at places safely.

Good line...

And how does he excuse the clothing and hair directives?

I think you know this is not normal, which is why you're asking.
This is a bad relationship. He is the type who can be abusive when he is angered and disobeyed. You need to leave him alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Good line....

And how does he excuse the clothing and hair directives?

He says that with how good certain cloths look on me, he doesn't want me to put myself in the path of potential harm from another. And on the hair, when it's down and loose, it's makes me more appealing than when it's pulled back. And he doesn't want other guys looking at me, because it might cause them to act upon their thoughts.

What kind of upbringing does he have? Was there a father in the home?
I think he is projecting his thoughts on to you. He has and control sexual issues

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

What kind of upbringing does he have? Was there a father in the home?
I think he is projecting his thoughts on to you. He has and control sexual issues

Yes, he was raised by both his parents. But I know his mom is really strict, we're only allowed to talk on the phone for 30 minutes a day, and he only gets 200 texts a month, so we have to rely on Facebook a lot, but my mom has a bad habit of taking the internet box. And I know he's feeling bad about the kings Island thing, cause this is what he sent me just now "And I'd be okay if one day you hanged out with friends after school as long as you were back home before dark and not at their house or hotel or something I don't want you thinking I don't trust you."

That is crazy. He is manipulating you. He has not right to forbid you to go anywhere. That's crazy
There is no reason you should not go.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmeade0038

"And I'd be okay if one day you hanged out with friends after school as long as you were back home before dark and not at their house or hotel or something I don't want you thinking I don't trust you."

I agree with Homegirl. He is projecting.

"I don't want you thinking I don't trust you." In other words, "I don't trust you."

If he tells you to give up all your friends, are you going to do it?

But would there be a way to salvage the relationship? He means a lot to me. I'd hate to lose him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

If he tells you to give up all your friends, are you going to do it?

No. Despite the fact, that I know of two friends for sure that would never let that happen. My friends are everything to me. B tries to make me feel bad when I'm with them, cause I don't talk to him as much, but I know that if he was with his best friends he wouldn't talk to me as much either.

This guy is not good for you. He is not good for anybody the way he is.
Do you not think you can get anybody else?
You can start telling him NO! You can go on that trip and dress the way you want, wear your hair the way you want. Let him know that he cannot control you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

This guy is not good for you. He is not good for anybody the way he is.
Do you not think you can get anybosy else?

I haven't exactly had the best luck with guys in the past. My last boyfriend, S, after taking my virginity he left. No explanation... nothing. Until a few weeks ago when he sent me a message apologizing. It was when he left, that I met B. As a coping method, I focused on other people, and B had just gotten out of a bad relationship too. I told him that if he needed someone to talk to, I'd listen. He took me up on the offer and it built from there.
If I really wanted to, yes there probably is someone out there. But I'm not a person who has to be in a relationship to be happy.

But if I would do that, I'm afraid that it would break any trust that is there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmeade0038

But if I would do that, I'm afraid that it would break any trust that is there.

You have to do everything HIS way so he will trust you?

Would he go with you for a few sessions of counseling?

There is no trust. He does not trust himself or any female, which is why he controls you.
You really need to leave this guy alone or not allow him to control you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You have to do everything HIS way so he will trust you?

Would he go with you for a few sessions of counseling?

If I would mention counseling, he'd freak out. We've only been together for seven months.
I mean, he'd worry that it was something major. He takes pride in the fact that we've never had a fight, although we have come close before.

How soon after his bad relationship did he start dating you? Let me guess, the girl cheated on him?
This guy needs some counseling and you need to be away from him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

How soon after his bad relationship did he start dating you? Let me guess, the girl cheated on him?
This guy needs some counseling and you need to be away from him.

It was around a month. And yes she did. With one of her guy friends. Only she didn't even tell him when she was hanging out with her friends.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmeade0038

If I would mention counseling, he'd freak out. We've only been together for seven months.
I mean, he'd worry that it was something major. He takes pride in the fact that we've never had a fight, although we have come close before.

Of course you have never had a fight, you give in to everything with him.
This is not a healthy relationship

I promised him I would never hurt him. I always try my best to keep my promises.

Hurting him and taking care of yourself are two different things. He is hurting you.
You had better start thinking about yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmeade0038

I promised him I would never hurt him. I always try my best to keep my promises.

So doing everything he says and never disagreeing with him is your way of not hurting him?