Hello everyone!
I am totally new here, so I guess my question may sound a bit awkward and weird but anyway I will just go on then, hopefully many people can help me out!

I am 19 years old and have become American citizen for 5 years. I study High School in US and now move to Shanghai for language study. Even though I have finished my education in High School, it seems that I have never been lucky with ladies at all.

Let me describe myself a bit so it is much more easier for you to answer:

I am usually described by my mom as a 81 years old man's soul inside a 19 years boy's body!

- I don't like Rock, don't like Modern Music (except French music). I enjoy listening frequently Classical Music, especially of Chopin, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky Liszt, Debussy,. I also love Classical Guitar and my idol is Maestro Andre Segovia. I can actually perform quite nice with guitar because I have learned since I was 9.

- I just don't like sport very much! I am kind of OK with Badminton, but other than that, I don't know! Just don't like them very much. As a matter of fact, I am skinny, not very muscular at all.

- I enjoy reading very limited novels, mostly is pretty tough and not many ladies really like them, I like Chekhov and Dostoyevsky most because their thought-provoking novels and short stories. I really love Russian Literature more than anything else. Literature class is not very interesting because books are not my type!

- I LOVE READING HISTORY BOOKS! Anything related to History is subjected to my interests, though I love Chinese history most! I also love Roman, Byzantine and Medieval History.

- As a result, I am very introvert and Past-related. By that I mean I usually contemplate on my Past. I guess this is why I am not very confident.

- I don't like crowds and noisy Party (an essential part of American teen-culture). I love quietness.

- I repress my emotion very well! I don't express excitement nor anger with anyone ever. I don't reveal what I think and my intention because I think it's kind of dangerous to let everyone know your minds. I usually let friends take 80% of the conversation and 20% left for me. I'm most likely to be quiet when it comes to questions inquiring judgement, like this:

"Hey, our football team yesterdays is really suck! What do you think about their performance?"

Or

"Communism shot a millions people in the Great Purge and Cultural Revolution, and US does whatever it could to protect the democracy of the world" (I was asked by this type of question many times by some of my friends)

Or

"You vote for the Republicans or Democrats?"

Or even

"That girl is so hot, what do you think buddy?"

In all of this situation, I feel like I am really coerced to answer them, and I usually drive the topic or say silly things like:

"I apologise for my ignorance, but I'm afraid I cannot help you on this matter."

Speaking of my style of speech, I speak a rather formal English, as I have been taught in my native country (Vietnam anyways). I have a terrible habit to call my American friends as Mr, Ms, Sir. So I usually put "Ms Copper (I don't call their name either),...". I can't help it! I also speak in a deep British accent, because before I become American citizen I was taught in a British school.

I don't have many friends. I don't know! No matter how much I try, I just find myself being lost to their conversation.

Do you think ladies think I am quaint? Weird any stupid? My experience tells me that they don't like nice guys at all. The type that Americans refer to is "macho guys" I guess. Anyhow, I am very nice, "gallant", and tender.

BTW, my height is 5.73 ft. Is this too short?

Oh! By "Macho" I mean those who are strong, muscular and very masculine.

Sorry for my English! My grammar needs to be put in testing more.

Here is my idea about American girls:

I like Caucasians. I don't know why? But I think when I first arrived at the US, I was shocked by the culture there. People seem to be much more materialistic than in my country. Though I love their liberal mind (unlike my native country where ideologies are imposed on people). I find that American girls like different things from Vietnamese counterparts. They are more outgoing, more assertive I guess, and less formal in human interaction (well in my country, males, apart from being gallant to women, like give up seats, must know their border with women. For example, we don't hug them :D Also they seem to like sport a lot. They don't love cooking, I guess, and they like to speak various types of sexual jokes with guys. I don't know, it is strange because I usually take it very serious when it comes to this matter. We usually have a whole system and even an art of speaking of this topic by ALLUSION. Never before have I seen the topic being addressed so straightforward. It's not that I feel offended, just strange and awkward.

In terms of flirting and dating a lady, I guess it is like a ritual, like how some animals in Discovery perform when they pair and mate. It is just difficult for me to learn these rituals, as even now, I am not very familiar with American culture at all.

Hopefully you can find some advices for this poor kid. I really like American ladies. It is just I am pretty shy and weird, you understand?
Sorry for writing pretty long!
Thank you for your attention in reading this thread.

I can give you a few tips...
As you correctly stated, people here in the states are not so formal... you must really force yourself to address people (at least potential love interests) by their first names. Otherwise, they may feel you are keeping them at "arm's length", meaning you are trying to keep a distance from them.

You might try to find a group activity that is centered around activities you enjoy... maybe a history club or book-reading club of some sort. This way you might find other like-minded girls. Not all young people are into loud parties, sexual jokes and sports.

The only other stumbling block I see is your tendency to repress your emotions. Not all people wear their emotions on their sleeves for everybody to see, but after you start to get to know somebody, you should let down some of your barriers and show your feelings. Otherwise, I have to say that you express yourself very well- you definitely don't come across as stupid or weird.

I'm sure you'll receive a lot of advice from others concerning your posts... Good luck!

Okay, this is coming from a young American woman (19 years old) who is also very introverted and I bottle my feelings too. Try to find a girl that compliments you- a more outgoing girl who is open about her feelings. I found my opposite in an outgoing, open, and honest guy (he shares his feelings far more often than I do!) Also, try not to come off as creepy, or you will send women away. Creepy as in trying too hard to impress them, or pushing to talk to them, or seeming desperate, etc. Before dating girls I think that you should try to find some girls as friends first. Get to know them in a group setting. If you're looking for marriage, you want to marry your best friend- so do just that. Take it slow and find a girl FRIEND. If you're having trouble starting conversations, just join in conversations that your friends may be having with other girls, and find a girl with the same interests as you.

Thank you everyone!
But might I ask this sensitive question?
Does race affect people's preference?

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Originally Posted by Lao Tzi

...I think it's kinda dangerous to let everyone know your minds.

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Why?

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Why?

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Allow me to express my opinion, but if you let others read your mind, you will lose everything. Life is, to me, eventually a survival competition. Being on a good defensive position is always much better than being vulnerable. You will never know if you are a prey for predators out there. Your co-workers, your best friends, even your brothers and sisters, can be suddenly your enemy. Sometimes, you just cannot control the situation. I also find it is necessary to conceal your thoughts when it comes to Power. Wise men never place them in vulnerable position. I have learned it from Qin Shihuang to... Vito Corleone. Life is just not a pink colour.

[quote[Creepy as in trying too hard to impress them, or pushing to talk to them, or seeming desperate, etc.[/quote]
Could you be more specific on "desperate"? Does this mean you're hopeless, broken, reaching the final realisation that you are not worthy? I mean depression?

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Originally Posted by Lao Tzi

[quote[Creepy as in trying too hard to impress them, or pushing to talk to them, or seeming desperate, etc.

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Could you be more specific on "desperate"? Does this mean you're hopeless, broken, reaching the final realisation that you are not worthy? I mean depression?[/QUOTE]

Desperation is not the same as depression- it means more a loss of hope, to the point that you might recklessly reach out for any one, just to have a girl friend. To a woman, a "desperate" guy would probably be a person who is seemingly not noticing a lack of interest on her part- so, he keeps on trying to engage her in conversation, asking her out, etc.

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Desperation is not the same as depression- it means more a loss of hope, to the point that you might recklessly reach out for any one, just to have a girl friend. To a woman, a "desperate" guy would probably be a person who is seemingly not noticing a lack of interest on her part- so, he keeps on trying to engage her in conversation, asking her out, etc.

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So how can we open up a conversation with a lady we're interested in without being desperate? By my nature I am a good listener, especially I love analysing stuffs people tell me and tend to remember their sayings for quite sometimes. But other times I just listen to them and then forget. Is this bad?

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Originally Posted by Lao Tzi

So how can we open up a conversation with a lady we're interested in without being desperate? By my nature I am a good listener, especially I love analysing stuffs people tell me and tend to remember their sayings for quite sometimes. But other times I just listen to them and then forget. Is this bad?

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No, you're only human, after all. But try to listen and remember. It shows the other person that you actually do listen, which is something that women appreciate.

Start a conversation with a woman... after you've been chatting for a little while, you'll be able to see if she is just answering you out of politeness, or if she is actually interested. Somebody who is interested in the conversation will make eye contact with you, smile genuinely (not a tight, little forced smile), and carry an equal part of the conversation. Somebody NOT interested in you will answer questions with brief, terse answers and look like they're trying to escape.

You might try putting up an ad on craigslist, in the personals. Be honest with who you are and who you are looking for. This way, any women answering your ad will know what music you enjoy, what literature, what sort of build you have. Chat with them online or on the phone a few times- if you both feel there's a connection worth pursuing, make a date to meet in person.

The more you get out and talk with women, the easier it will get. Yes, there will be some rejections, but we all go through that. :)

I would actually advise you not to advertise yourself on Craigslist. That seems like a poor way to mask a glaring problem, which is your ability to talk to girls face to face. ANYONE can chat online with a woman. It isn't difficult. Don't be an internet Romeo... learn how to talk to women, face to face and go from there. We get stuck in this current world where we allow technology to bail us out of difficult situations that otherwise would be an ordinary opportunity for growth. In the real world, MOST OFTEN, you are going to meet girls in social settings, not through a newspaper add or online. The least you could do before meeting someone like that is learn how to actively engage women in conversation in a more personal manner.

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Originally Posted by Lao Tzi

Allow me to express my opinion, but if you let others read your mind, you will lose everything. Life is, to me, eventually a survival competition. Being on a good defensive position is always much better than being vulnerable. You will never know if you are a prey for predators out there. Your co-workers, your best friends, even your brothers and sisters, can be suddenly your enemy. Sometimes, you just cannot control the situation. I also find it is necessary to conceal your thoughts when it comes to Power. Wise men never place them in vulnerable position. I have learned it from Qin Shihuang to ... Vito Corleone. Life is just not a pink colour.

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Jeez...

If you're unable to trust and hold a conversation with anyone, then I don't think you'll survive the first date.

You'll have to lose this attitude if you ever want a girlfriend, there's just no other way.

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Jeez...

If you're unable to trust and hold a conversation with anyone, then I don't think you'll survive the first date.

You'll have to lose this attitude if you ever want a girlfriend, there's just no other way.

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Yes... this is going to be the biggest issue.

If you can't reveal your true self to somebody, you'll never really be loved or be in love. The revealing of one's self to another trusted person is emotional intimacy- love cannot happen or survive without it. This doesn't mean that you should go out and reveal the most personal details of your life to a perfect stranger, but as you grow to know somebody, you must be able and willing to take this risk.

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Jeez...

If you're unable to trust and hold a conversation with anyone, then I don't think you'll survive the first date.

You'll have to lose this attitude if you ever want a girlfriend, there's just no other way.

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Hello! Slapshot_oi
I think you have interpreted a more negative light, which must be due to me as I use terms such as "predators" and such. But allow me to examine and explain the question more details before I can address the true character personae:

When you're talking, very rarely you can hold yourself up. Indeed, I find it is difficult to engage deeply in a debate and at the same time observe the attitude of the participants. It seems that if you are so devoted in a conversation, you are about to exploit all your immediate thoughts without any "gate" to examine the consequence.

I would like to suggest an example:
This is a true story from my life:

When I was 14 years old, my father held a small party with his friends and one of them, whom I have known for 5 years, whom constantly gave me gifts on my birthday, his surname is Ho, asked me a question:
"Kid, you're on the side of the Northern or the Southern, on the side of Ho Chi Minh or Ngo Dinh Diem" (He was referring to Vietnamese War actually)

And if I act based upon my instinct, my common emotions, I will say I do not like Northern or Southern, because I did not trust what was written on the textbook which was filled with biases. I could anticipate the fact that Mr Ho would venture deeper and ask why? Then I shall have to expose that I cannot see how two Vietnamese sides fighting one another can be good, how the tainted-blood hands of Northern soldiers could be celebrated as Heroism and Patriotism? And those heroes ended up, after giving their youth, being poor beggars.

Too clear that this response makes no good to me, it is clearer than crystal that my father and Mr Ho shall not be contented with my answer because they were Northern veterans by my nature. Worse, it could bring shame to my father in front of his friends, for having an "ungrateful" son.

Of course, at the time, I could not think that much, but when my thought halted at the reaction of Mr Ho, I simply decide to give a short answer:
"Sir, I don't know, I am too busy to study Math because I am having my exam 1 month from now, and I would like to, with your permission, continue my revision."

He laughed slightly, and turned to my father and said that he has a hard-working son, but too naïve. He even said the country could not be run with those who know so little about their Past.

I simply ignore his comment and move on doing my things.

You see how important it is to conceal your intention and your thoughts?

At another time, when I was 15 years old, my best friend, Chi, told me this:
"Ten degree (nickname b'coz I wear glass), you know, I kinda like this girl, she is so cute and only now I can see that"

It turns out the girl she's talking is the one I also have a feeling for, the Head of the Class (that's how we call our best students in High School, Vietnam, a translation is "Lop Truong"). Now, what can I say! If I act according to my feeling, my countenance will be much weird, I guess a bit angry! But right at that time, I repress my emotional vicissitude, my anger and jealousy, turns my face into cheerful and bless him.
Jezz, it was close because I thought I can't bear it. But when I went home that night, it was hard to sleep, and with more calmness come back to me, I start to analyse the situation and confidently agree with myself that my behaviour is great. Because why should I sacrifice our long friendship for a girl? Why? It is useless, a sad end. Would I feel comfortable if I expressed my emotion right at the time, or I could just invite more doubts and hatred to myself. And would the uplifting feeling right be sustained, or a sense of remorse for hurting your best friend?

I think I have possessed this nature since I was pretty young. I hope it provides you more insight on how I actually develop this Emotional Repression. It is not about Trust or Distrust, Hatred or Love, it is a constant practice of connecting your thought to your action, a way to rationalise your action so that you can be more thoughtful in treating people around you.

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Yes... this is going to be the biggest issue.

If you can't reveal your true self to somebody, you'll never really be loved or be in love. The revealing of one's self to another trusted person is emotional intimacy- love cannot happen or survive without it. This doesn't mean that you should go out and reveal the most personal details of your life to a perfect stranger, but as you grow to know somebody, you must be able and willing to take this risk.

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I can see this is the biggest problem!
I think a lot before I spurt a word! I make sure no words can escape my mind if they do not serve a useful function. A lot of times I invest into asking questions on what people say, a way to collecting information on what they truly think and so on. And quite frequently I am successful to get them open, let them express their opinions. I rarely speak out what I think WHEN I am unsure of the nature of words my partners are giving me. A small misinterpretation will result in a disaster which end up hurting either him or me. This is why I say I let people take 80% the conversation why I only get 20%.

Also, I cannot lie! If the one whom I ask is talking about an opinion that is directly opposite to me, I rarely give him my thought, if not never. Because it is useless to argue on things that people do not want to believe in! If I see that the person did express his opinion in a passionate and insistent way, the best chance is I try to listen until he finishes his speech, or cut off the conversation by politely say I am now busy to do something else and wish that I can hear more from him.
This usually solves everything! People don't hate me, while I can slowly collect information of my surroundings and decide what best to act upon.

At the end of the day, you can say that I am not a humorous kid, a fun guy to go out or a naïve, innocent boy, but no one could say that I'm cocky, arrogant,. Rather, I have been commented by all friends in high school to be a calm, respectful, humble and honest guy.

The problem to me now is to express myself freely. It is hard to let emotion carries you and not your brain. I think that's why I need more advices.

After all, I am mysterious, a stranger and yet a nice guy. Nothing else is known about me.

Relax dude, just be yourself and if a certain someone catches your eye, talk to them, and play to your strength, as in your case being a good listener, ask questions, and pay attention.

The secret to dating is to have fun, not look for romance, and be confident in yourself to shrug off rejection, and not take it as a personal affront to your man hood. Its not.

The quicker you can move on the better. Never ever get fixated on just one female, date many and have fun, so you don't fall in so fast you can't get out. You can always adjust as situations change, and they will.

Romance takes time to develop so never be desperate, needy, or insecure, and again, pay attention as because you have intense attractions it doesn't mean she will.

The downfall of many is getting carried away, and blinded by intense feelings, and assuming they are true love. That's seldom the case, and should be approached with caution, and care, because just as something can feel really good, it can change to feel really bad.

Just keep your head on your shoulders, and enjoy it. Its all about the fun, getting to know what your dealing with.

Never be in a hurry to commit without some careful and thoughtful thinking in a realistic way.

In keeping your options open, you will better be able to make good decisions for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings, and figure out if the outcome is worth the risk. Or the risk worth the outcome.

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The quicker you can move on the better. Never ever get fixated on just one female, date many and have fun, so you don't fall in so fast you can't get out. You can always adjust as situations change, and they will.

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But ahh! You know... Multiple datings can be a problem because you're not honest...
:D
THanks for your advices so far!

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Originally Posted by Lao Tzi

But ahh! You know... Multiple datings can be a problem because you're not honest...
:D
THanks for your advices so far!

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So you be honest with whomever you date. There is a difference between dating and being exclusive to one person. Once you get to that point I believe it becomes more a relationship than pure dating. Dating is about finding someone you enjoy being around the most. Limiting your options can limit your happiness. Think of it as a buffet. We aren't talking about having sex or being romantic with several different women at once.

And choosing a good partner is a result of experience, and that experience comes from your attempt to widely open your options right?

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Originally Posted by Lao Tzi

And choosing a good partner is a result of experience, and that experience comes from your attempt to widely open your options right?

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Yes and no. Don't think of it as choosing as that denotes some sort of planning on your part. Think of it as enjoying and the more enjoyment, the more natural the process will occur.

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Yes and no. Don't think of it as choosing as that denotes some sort of planning on your part. Think of it as enjoying and the more enjoyment, the more natural the process will occur.

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But if I am this kind of person, then what type of girls should I am looking for?

There is still a problem, like I'm Asian and she's Caucasian! Not that I'm racist, but do you think girls like Asian guys in general?

Last time I checked we were in America. This is a melting pot of people. Girls like guys who are confident, well spoken, sure of themselves and that are ambitious. There are no set guidelines, that is what's fun about it. I have seen extremely beautiful girls date guys that I would consider less than attractive... it all depends on the girl and how you handle yourself. The more you analyze, the less chance you have. Don't over-think, just do and find out. ALL girls that I know of like gentlemen. If you can be a gentleman, you have a leg up on about 70% of the male population.

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ALL girls that I know of like gentlemen. If you can be a gentleman, you have a leg up on about 70% of the male population.

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May I ask a "gentleman" nowadays is a "French gallant" type?

It is someone like you who listens, is polite and has good presence when talking to someone. You are taking yourself out of the race before it even begins because you are sitting here analyzing things that are meant to be natural. Dating is a game of chance.The more you do it the better and more confident you become. You cannot be afraid to make mistakes or get rejected, trust me, I have made plenty of mistakes and have been rejected multiple times. No worries on that end!

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The more you analyze, the less chance you have.

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But,ahh, don't I have to look for my words? Think carefully you know?

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Originally Posted by Lao Tzi

But,ahh, don't I have to look for my words? Think carefully you know?

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NO! Quit being so philosophical about this. It isn't as deep as you are making it. Be natural and play to your strengths, as Tal said. 90% of conversation with women is listening and then going off what they say. It is like a root. At first a root goes straight down, but then it vines off into many directions depending upon where it gets the most water.

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90% of conversation with women is listening and then going off what they say. It is like a root. At first a root goes straight down, but then it vines off into many directions depending upon where it gets the most water.

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Ukay! Thank you!
So get them talk and ask smart questions based upon the information they provided you?
What's next then?

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is polite and has good presence when talking to someone. You are taking yourself out of the race

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Sorry, but I've been abused due to my skin, just an explanation :D

And compliments! Many asks me to compliment them? But what type of compliments then? A lies or a truth? I rarely give anyone compliment unless I feel it astounding. Do I have to change too?

Why should you change to impress some one? That's crazy, be yourself, and be natural. That's when most people are most comfortable, when they just do their thing. If you don't click, you don't click. It happens a lot. Move on.

As far as compliments go, don't say it unless you mean it, and don't lay it on to thick.

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As far as compliments go, don't say it unless you mean it, and don't lay it on to thick.

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Should I focus on her intelligence or her beauty. Beautiful ladies do not need another compliment on her beauty huh? It is pretty boring to repeat the same thing to them, right?

Compliments come from the heart, so listen to her, and see what impresses you. Honestly, it's a turn off when they hear the same things all the time, so look for something unique, and different.

These things happen naturally. Forcing things will only work temparily. Things can't be temporary forever. Eventually, your true personalities will come out and things will bound to fail.

So if you can't be natural from the start, then find someone else.

I see!
It's hard now because your advices are to let it go, let it go, don't hold it tight, don't dip it deep, don't... do things I usually do.

Yup! Deep breathing, natural, don't be panic...

I am so young and your advices change my perspective a LOT.

Don't psyche yourself out here. It isn't a big deal. Be calm and collected.

How's your feeling when you're being rejected, if you allows me to go that personal?

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Originally Posted by Lao Tzi

how's your feeling when you're being rejected, if you allows me to go that personal?

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I don't care. There are plenty of fish out there and I am good enough for just about all of them. Now I know I can't get all of them, but that is just my mentality. You let it slide right off your shoulder. It stings sometimes, especially when it is someone you have been wanting to talk to for awhile, but by sometimes I mean no more than five minutes.

You can't take rejection personally. Not everyone is compatible nor likes my personality, and that is fine.