Ok, so I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are a very much in love and are both strong Christians. We get along so well, its almost unbelievable. He is truly my best friend and we are so close. We know 100% that we will get married someday. The problem is, we do not want to get married until we graduate college and are able to support ourselves. However, that is fours years that we must wait until we make love. Neither one of us thinks that we can wait and we are setting ourselves up for failure. Is it wrong for us to have sex when we know we are going to get married? How much does one legal document really say?

I don't know much about the rules of your religion. I say get the paper and go for it, if you aren't strong enough to wait. If you are, just wait. NO biggie.

I think that this site gives a true look at what you need to consider

:: Welcome to Relationshipforever.com ::

Although this site is in India it does relate to your question

I hope I can help you through this -- just want you to be happy

In my opinion, sexual relations should be between a married couple. The sexual act is a total self giving of each other and a confirmation of the covenant the couple makes in holy matrimony. I think when a couple waits until marriage, it shows that they are truly committed and willing to do the right thing for each other. You never know what may happen over the next four years. I would suggest praying for continued strength in purity.

Thanks biggsie, that website helped, but it did not say anything about Christians and premarital sex, which is my issue. If I was not a Christian, I know that I would just do it, actually I probably would have long ago! I know that God gave me and my boyfriend this amazing love so would He be happy for us or would He look down upon us if we engaged in the act?
As for Chihuahuamomma, I would definitely marry him, but we are both in school and still relying on our parents financially. It would not be smart to jump into marriage at this time--we want to do it right, when we are secure. Although it is very tempting!
This is just a very complicated and complex issue and I do not know what to do! I think my boyfriend, although very dedicated to being a Christian, does not think it would be wrong to have sex because we are going to get married.
PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE! I'M DYING OVER HERE!

Being a former christian and in a stable committed monogamous relationship I completely understand...
I never had any doubts about engaging in sex before marriage I think that was due to my nondenominational and very liberal background (religiously I was taught to focus on my relationship with God not the rules and traditions but I know that's not how all christians are)

I can only advise you to be SAFE, use protection and/or get on the pill if possible although I believe you when you say you two will get married the last thing the two of you want is an unplanned pregnancy! But my rule of thumb (morally speaking) is to only engage in sex with someone that you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with... so I hope this helps!

again I can somewhat relate to you because I was a christian and I am in a long term relationship with my boyfriend surrounded by family with christian values... we are both in college and are waiting to get married when we can financially afford it and when all of our grad school logistics are worked out... but we live together and practically act life a married couple, we just got to a point where the only thing matters is our love and commitment to each other not everyone else.

I have friends that got their marriage certificate for tax purposes and for their child without telling anyone. And had the actual ceremony two years later.

In general , yes in Christianity you are suppose to be married.
Luther in his writings believed it was proper for a engaged couple to have sex but his opinoin has not be accepted even within the Lutheran church.

In the early days being enganged was must more than it is today, people get engaged, break up and marry someone else three days latter.
Before there was a legal commitment, and if you did not get married, there was still legal issues to deal with.

Chihuahuamomma, I have to say that is a brilliant idea.. and my boyfriend and I have actually considered it before, but then quickly laughed it off. But now that I think about it, it is not too bad of a solution. Did the couple you know hide their marriage from everyone, even family?

They didn't tell anyone until their ceremony day. But these two had already lived together for two years, and already had a daughter together.

Here's the thing (and this isn't a religious thing for me, just so you know):

If you don't feel you are financially stable enough to get married RIGHT NOW, then you shouldn't be having sex. Sex=babies, and birth control fails. If you're not ready for a baby (and if you're not financially stable enough for MARRIAGE, you sure aren't ready for a BABY), then you shouldn't be having sex.

It sounds to me like you're both afraid to commit to marriage because of money, or what might happen in the 4 years of college, or whatever.

Either you want to get married, or you don't. If you WANT to get married, then do it, and make it work.

If you don't think you're ready for marriage YET, then you're probably not ready for the commitments (like, say... CHILDREN) that sex brings.

Good point, but first of all, I would go on birth control and we would be extremely careful. Also, if I were to have a baby, we would receive help from our parents and at that point we would get married. But the birth control pill is almost a 100% reliable and my body has a hard time ovulating anyway, ha! Pregnancy is one of my concerns, but my religion is definitely more of a factor for me. If I did become pregnant, it would be God's will.

I am currently battling infertility issues (I have unexplained infertility).

When I got pregnant, it was using the pill, a spermicide, and a condom--all correctly.

I just think that if you feel that strongly about premarital sex, then you should get married.

If you don't think you're ready for marriage, then following your Christian dictates will be hard, but you shouldn't have sex with just an engagement.

this is better then TV....

NO--birth control is NOT 100% effective. Only abstenince is. I would have to agree COMPLETELY with Synnen.


I kind of want to know the statistic for young adults that drop out of college due to an unplanned pregnancy, and then what the percentage of those are that were diligently taking birth control.

My suggestion about the legal marriage and the later ceremony was to someone who is READY for marriage.

If you have very strict religious beliefs, I think you should get married before you have sexual relations *as long as you have safe birth control in place*.

If your boyfriend won't do that, then maybe he is only thinking of his pleasure.

I have to tell you that a friend of my mother who had a very strict and wealthy father forbade his darling daughter to marry her gentleman friend. She and her man went to Crown Point, Indiana and got married and kept it a secret for several years. Finally, she and her husband told her father. This happened in 1934!

I am against girls having sex until they are in their 20ies... today, they are too immature to handle it, in my opinion.

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Originally Posted by faithandlove

Ok, so I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are a very much in love and are both strong Christians. We get along so well, its almost unbelievable. He is truly my best friend and we are so close. We know 100% that we will get married someday. The problem is, we do not want to get married until we graduate college and are able to support ourselves. However, that is fours years that we must wait until we make love. Neither one of us thinks that we can wait and we are setting ourselves up for failure. Is it wrong for us to have sex when we know we are going to get married? How much does one legal document really say?

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According to the bible "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." Hebrew 13:4. Marriage is along Obligation. You should be financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually stable. Premarital sex you must not do. If you got pregnant how about your baby, his future if you are not stable.

I AM ready for marriage. The only thing that is holding us back is wanting to graduate college and being able to support ourselves. Our relationship is very mature, and with the money and age issues aside, we would be more than ready to marry. Also, my family would most likely not be supportive of me marrying at such a young age, and his definitely would not, even though both of our families know that we will end up together. We are pretty much inseparable and everyone knows it. Most are shocked when they learn we haven't had sex. They always say, "but you seem so close." Yes, we are very close, but are trying to follow the path of God. What I am trying to figure out is His path for me. Sometimes it is weird that we haven't had sex though. I feel like its unfair that so many other people that are not in love already have! Maybe we should just get married. There is some way to make it work right? Get jobs and go to school at the same time? Get a loan from the bank? Sorry if I'm blabbing.. but I like getting advice. Thanks for the help!

Oh yeah, for anyone wondering, I am 20.

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Originally Posted by faithandlove

I AM ready for marriage. The only thing that is holding us back is wanting to graduate college and being able to support ourselves. Our relationship is very mature, and with the money and age issues aside, we would be more than ready to marry. Also, my family would most likely not be supportive of me marrying at such a young age, and his definitely would not, even though both of our families know that we will end up together. We are pretty much inseparable and everyone knows it. Most are shocked when they learn we haven't had sex. They always say, "but you seem so close." Yes, we are very close, but are trying to follow the path of God. What I am trying to figure out is His path for me. Sometimes it is weird that we haven't had sex though. I feel like its unfair that so many other people that are not in love already have! Maybe we should just get married. There is some way to make it work right? Get jobs and go to school at the same time? Get a loan from the bank? Sorry if I'm blabbing..but I like getting advice. Thanks for the help!

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2o is so young. Don't you think it is better to get marry to your love one when you already fineshed your school and have a stable job. So you have time for him and in your children. If you got loan in the baNK it makes you worryhow to pay it. Im happy to hear from you that your family is not be supportive to you to marry because they love you. They know how hard to be a familyman. Having a money or age its not only a basis to get marry. Listen to your parents I know they love you. I'm sorry I'm if I said some words they may hurt you. IF you want really to get marry. Best wishes for you.

See... it's a decision that YOU have to make.

I have no problem with you having sex, as long as you take reasonable precautions--like birth control.

But--I'm Wiccan, not Christian. I personally believe you shouldn't EVER buy a car without test-driving it, and sex is a HUGE part of a marriage. MY beliefs are that it's STUPID to get married without having sex with your partner.

BUT--those are MY beliefs. YOUR belief system says that you should not have sex until marriage.

The question you have to ask yourself--because really, this is YOUR decision, in the end--is whether your religion is more important than your desire to have sex.

I think the group consensus is that you two should make your own decision. And not rely on internet strangers. If you are strong enough to wait, then wait.

Thanks everyone, and yes, my boyfriend and I will ultimately make the decision on our own, but I wanted to see others advice as well. Thanks for all the input, everyone made some very good points.

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Originally Posted by faithandlove

Ok, so I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are a very much in love and are both strong Christians. We get along so well, its almost unbelievable. He is truly my best friend and we are so close. We know 100% that we will get married someday. The problem is, we do not want to get married until we graduate college and are able to support ourselves. However, that is fours years that we must wait until we make love. Neither one of us thinks that we can wait and we are setting ourselves up for failure. Is it wrong for us to have sex when we know we are going to get married?

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Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

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How much does one legal document really say?

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If it were only a piece of paper which documented a legal transaction, a contract, if that is all you were going to get, it wouldn't matter at all.

But it isn't.

The office of matrimony, the office of motherhood is a covenant. It is a covenant between you, your spouse and God. This covenant says that you will be a holy trinity of love, joined together in God's Spirit.

Genesis 2
24 Wherefore a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be two in one flesh.

Let me say that again, you will be one in God. A Holy Trinity of Love.

Just as God is a Holy Trinity, God the Father loves God the Son and God the Son loves God the Father and the Love that binds them is God the Holy Spirit.

You and your husband will be joined in one flesh by that same Holy Spirit of Love. And soon that physical joining which climaxes the spiritual joining will result in that little flesh that will be the living symbol of your love for each other. And you will give that flesh a name.

So please wait.

Oh and please remind your future spouse that matrimony is not about your being happy. It is about your faithfulness to each other. It is about growing together in the love of God. It is about your spiritual salvation. It is about your faithfulness through thick and thin. It is about suffering and loving each other despite the arguments and the downfalls.

This is why it is such an apt metaphor for your life in Christ.

Ephesians 5:
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ also loved the church, and delivered himself up for it:... 28 So also ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife, loveth himself. 29 For no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, as also Christ doth the church: 30 Because we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be two in one flesh. 32 This is a great sacrament; but I speak in Christ and in the church.

Sincerely,

De Maria

Wow. Thank you De Maria, I needed that. That is a very touching response, and I really hope I can wait. I loved what you said about the little flesh that will be the living symbol of our love.
Also, about the covenant thing, we have promised to marry each other and raise children together, but I guess it isn't the same until we say our vows. We treat each other like we are married, and sometimes I forget that indeed we are not.

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Originally Posted by faithandlove

Wow. Thank you De Maria, I needed that. That is a very touching response, and I really hope I can wait. I loved what you said about the little flesh that will be the living symbol of our love.
Also, about the covenant thing, we have promised to marry each other and raise children together, but I guess it isn't the same until we say our vows. We treat each other like we are married, and sometimes I forget that indeed we are not.

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You're welcome. May God bless you both.

And, I know it sounds trite, but it isn't. Please remember, the family that prays together, stays together.

Sincerely,

De Maria

P.S. and please consider homeschooling those little ones. You might want to start talking about that already. My wife and I are really happy that we did.

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Originally Posted by De Maria

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

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Of course you may BELIEVE that it is a sin.
But if it is a sin, and what "sin" actually means in this case, is highly questionable.
.
In my views a marriage is a too important relationship not to have a good inspection of all the "goods" involved in it on compatibility prior to the association.
Some months ago I read in a newspaper that the US divorce rate is the highest in the entire world.
No wonder, if so many people are prepared to buy a possible pig in a poke...
Note : I do not mention gender, of who "buys". Because marriage is a case of two people deciding (both).
;)

I have been an ordained A/G minister for years. Whether a marriage succeeds or not does not depend on age, but maturity. My wife and I were just short of our 18th birthdays when we married. There was no premarital sex. We have been married for over 53 years, have 5 children and even great grandchildren. My advice to you is, if you are mature, (you seem to be, I can't know anything about your intended) and you marry and exercise precautions against pregnancy, it costs no more to live than it does separately. Many married couples continue their education thorugh graduation. A VERY wise course of action. If your parents are Christians, they would likely much rather see you do this than to just live together. Hope this helps. Christian love to you.

Galveston, yes I understand it does not cost more to live separately, but right now my father is supporting me because I'm in college. If I married, he would not support me anymore, and I would not be financially stable. I do not want to have that burden in the first year of marriage.

This is one of the hardest things to deal with in a relationship in my opinion. I am a christian as well and have been struggling with it forever!! I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend (almost a year ago and I'm 23) and told him I wanted to wait. He was religious but not christian and respected my decision. But temptation got to the best of me and we ended up having sex for 8 months.. then until recently I started feeling guilty and told him I wanted to stop.. he said OK
It's been tough.. we've slipped three times.. and like you.. we are waiting to be more financially stable before we marry, and it's going to be a while

IT'S SO HARD! I feel these thoughts that it's OK sometimes and the temptation is too great.. and then other times I feel guilt.. I guess there is really no clear cut answer to your question.. but it helps to talk it out

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It would not be smart to jump into marriage at this time--we want to do it right, when we are secure. Although it is very tempting!

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Of course its tempting, and a reason why human kind, is still growing no matter the obstacles or divorce rate. You have chosen your path, so now its up to you to stay on it, and not find an easier softer way. I'm not a Christian, but do believe if you commit to something, do it all the way with all you have. So be a good Christian, and resist temptation. Unless your looking to scratch that itch, and need validation.

THat's a good point Talaniman, if you aren't ready for marriage, you aren't ready for sex. And I mean YOU specifically. Stay with your beliefs. Be strong.

There nothing wrong at alll with following GOD plan for your life the bible say that its better to Marry then to burn with passion but if your not ready u might need to wait.. the bible also say that GOD makes a way to escape every temptation.. if need be pray about it ONLY GOD can give u what your looking for in I don't no if u read your bible but that helps a lot to...

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Originally Posted by faithandlove

I AM ready for marriage. The only thing that is holding us back is wanting to graduate college and being able to support ourselves. Our relationship is very mature, and with the money and age issues aside, we would be more than ready to marry. Also, my family would most likely not be supportive of me marrying at such a young age, and his definitely would not, even though both of our families know that we will end up together. We are pretty much inseparable and everyone knows it. Most are shocked when they learn we haven't had sex. They always say, "but you seem so close." Yes, we are very close, but are trying to follow the path of God. What I am trying to figure out is His path for me. Sometimes it is weird that we haven't had sex though. I feel like its unfair that so many other people that are not in love already have! Maybe we should just get married. There is some way to make it work right? Get jobs and go to school at the same time? Get a loan from the bank? Sorry if I'm blabbing..but I like getting advice. Thanks for the help!

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