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Lacey
I'm going to add my voice to Ruby's. She's talking sense. All you're doing is tying yourself up in knots and pushing her too hard. Did you or did you not teach your daughter right from wrong? If you did then let her make her decision and run with it. She is going to anyway so don't push and she will come around given time.
Blessings,
John
I wanted to give an update for those who helped me get through the summer. My daughter goes back to school this Friday and yes we did survive. Things have been strained to say the least but no one died! She is still dating the same boyfriend and although she went to church with us she has informed us that she isn't planning to go when she returns to school. It seems that she no longer believes in anything. She said that she no longer believes in the Bible or God. I asked how her want to be preacher boyfriend felt about that she said that he doesn't know about this. I miss her. I miss the person she was. She was so upbeat, hopeful and saw God in everything. Now she is pessimistic and can't see the miracles. I am able to control the crying somewhat. At least I only cry alone. I miss being able to share my feelings with her about a good church service or a spiritual moment because she doesn't get it. I tried many times over the summer to try to do things together but she always with her boyfriend if not working. Even when she is home I have asked her if she wanted to meet for lunch and every time she said "no". I don't know what else to do to. I want to show her that she can do things on her own and recognize her independence. She had no curfew only request that was she let us know where she was going and what time to expect her so we wouldn't worry. She didnt't even do that. We went for several days without seeing her until I had her cell phone cut off. (She did find me then) We are taking her back Friday and I am concerned about Sunday. We (her familY) are going to the church that she had attended and I don't know if she will go or not. I don't know how I will handle it if she doesn't and when we introduce ourselves and someone asks us where she is. So a pep talk would be great from you previous supporters or new ones as well.
Wow Lacey, you have really been struggling with a lot of issues here. I am not sure I can tell you anything more valuable than you have already heard from other people here. Being 19 is such a turbulent time, I know it was for me. There are so many things happening for your daughter and she is trying to establish some serious distance and independence for herself. She wants to create her life in her own image and with her own choices, that is difficult when she was raised a certain way. I am sure her boyfriend opened her eyes to so many things and it is not unusual for people to begin to question their religion, their beliefs and what exactly God is. It is sad that she has become so pessimistic and strayed so far away from the values and the teachings you have instilled in her, but it may not be as bad as you think. Sometimes people have to find out for themselves, out if intelligence and curiousity, what they really believe in. I feel that your daughter is both. She knows what she was raised to think and now, she questions it. That means she is truly growing up. To never question anything, is also a sign of ignorance. I don't think she means to betray you, your lifestyle, or your religion, this is about finding herself.
To me, I think the most important thing you can do, is be patient. It seems you have been and you have tried to give her freedom and trust. I know at that age my parents were the last thing on my mind. I was always with my friends or my boyfriend. I didn't think or care about how that made my parents feel. IT is part of the age. She knows she is an "Adult" now, but in some ways , you recognize she is still just a child. I think there must be a lot of confusion in her mind about what is true and what is real. This is where her pessimism and questions about God come in. I think I would try to approach it with a gentle reminder whenever you can, about seeing God in everything, without talking about religion. I am not saying that your beliefs and values don't matter, it just doesn't matter to her right now. If you push it on her, you will ultimately push her farther away. She doesn't have to relate to God in a religious way right now if she is confused. I too strayed away from God at that age. There are so many distractions. Friends, boyfriends, things to buy, places to go, and they all seem more important. Focus on the little things. Tell her to continue to find things to be thankful for, to find joy in and to be loving and kind. Tell her these are all ways of honoring God and keeping a relationship going, while she is still unsure of what she believes in. She is a smart girl and she knows that she doesn't believe in the specifics of every detail of her religion. To her, it doesn't make perfect sense. That is o.k. Part of growing up means figuring out what you believe and value for yourself, separate from that of what your parents raised you to think. Most of us stray away for awhile, but we usually come back to our roots. There is no guarantee what she will do, and if it wasn't this boyfriend, than another one would open her eyes.
All in all, it sounds like you raised your daughter well. You gave her what she needed to go out in the world and to be a grown up. She is questioning things because she is bright, inquisitive and thoughtful. I think these are gifts. I do think she will mend her relationship with God, but it will be on her terms. I think the best thing you can do is to continue to set guidelines for her to follow, love her and respect her need for self discovery.
Remember how you felt as a young girl, maybe you didn't have as many choices or distractions as she does, but you remember what that freedom and independence feels like.
Focus on her personal relationship with God. Explain that to be a spiritual connection with something greater than what we can understand in this existence. The miracle of life, of the beauty in nature, the ability to give and receive love. These are gifts from God. Have her focus on the small things that she can see make sense. Have her continue to talk to God, personally. Tell her even if she doesn't come to church, that her relationship with God is always there. Ask her to talk to God about her problems , tell her to ask God for guidance and to teach her how to be the best person she can be. This is what God wants.
I know her relationship with the Church and the Mormon faith is very important to you, but it won't be to her just because you want it to. So, focus on her and her belief in a God of infinite love and wisdom who loves her whether she is steadfast in her religion, or whether she is a little lost and gone astray.
Remember you are a good mother, you have done a great job raising her and you have done the best you can. Believe that because your love for her is very obvious. YOu just want her to have the faith and understanding that you do, just realize that comes with time and maturity.
May God's love and faith surround you and your family, know that you are all loved. Teach her to live in truth, love and awareness and leave the rest to God...
Lacey, I'm a little late to this party but as enough have already said, she's a big girl now and has to find her own way. As heartbreaking as that can be (and believe me I know), you just have to step back for the most part or the wedge will only grow deeper. Encourage her when you can, but mostly just love her, pray for her and accept her no matter what.
I have a question, though, what college is she attending?
Steve
Thanks for the support. I am trying to be patient. Why does motherhood have to be so hard? Speechless Tx, Why do you ask what college?
It is the hardest, most challenging, most scary thing I have ever done, but the most rewarding. You will get through this and she will find God again. I am praying for all of you. I am here anytime you need to vent!
Lacey
Perhaps it's a little late to come in on the debate, however you should have confidence in your daughter and let her make her own decisions. It's tough your daughter has discovered that there are other views on Christianity, but realisticly if these two are to have a life together it must be comfortable for them, and if not, well your daughter must work out her own salvation. It cannot be imposed by you, and that religious spirit that is rising up in you must be put to death. Where is Christ in your attitude?
Well I know its tough but in all fairness she is an adult and old enough to make her own choice regardless of how you view them . The best thing you can do is be her parent , love her unconditionally and let her make her own choices but be there for her if she needs you. If you do the opposite you will only push her away and closer to him. Whatever you do , do not put her boyfriend down, keep your thoughts and remarks to yourself regarding how angry he makes you. That too will only push her away. Remember she will always be your little girl no matter how old she is, just DON'T PUSH HER AWAY> open your arms with love to both him and her! If she feels that you trust her decisions and are proud of her regardless of her choices your relationship as parent and daughter will probably only grown closer! Good luck.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lacey5765
The only reason I asked is many if not most colleges these days are ultra-liberal and secular to the point of being hostile toward religion, Christianity in particular. Not a good atmosphere for impressionable young Christian students. I hope your daughter isn't attending one of these schools, and I hope more parents will get involved and get informed when it comes to choosing a college.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lacey5765
You kind of like the same treatment an atheist would get at a catholic school?Quote:
Originally Posted by speechlesstx
No, I'm speaking factually of schools that are not only hostile to religion, but hostile to freedom of speech, freedom of assembly and the freedom to think differently than the liberal establishment of the school.Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
Oh my, you truly have a serious hate on for anything deemed 'liberal'. Truth has a liberal bias you know. :)
You best stay with your private christian schools for fear that a young person be exposed to anything that does fallwithin your strict guideline. :rolleyes:
I don't know that her school is any more liberal than any others. She may have been influenced there but I don't think the school was the source of her change. Maybe as some have said she is just growing up. My problem seems to be how to show her I love her and trust her decisions. It is so hard to watch what I think are decisions she that she will come to regret. I am getting to the point where I do realize she has been smart in her previous decisions and hope she will continue. Then I worry that when she made those decisions she asked for God's guidance and she was blessed and protected because she followed his will. My fear is that if she isn't seeking his will she will make mistakes. I know... SHe will make mistakes and that is part of growing up too. It just hurts that you can't prevent the hurt for her. It still is hard to be around her because I can only feel pain. I hope that in time and with her being away it will help. I want to be a good parent. That is what I have devoted my life to being.
She is 19 years old! You should give her some space and let her know that she can choose what path she takes: with or without her boyfriend. Sometimes people just have to let there beloved one's go. That's what I had to do to and may daughter always choose the right path. But you should always be supportive for her.
NK, If you want to mock and discredit me at least come up with something better than asinine assumptions such as these. You should know by know I don't make such claims if I can't back it up with the facts. :cool:Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
I don't have a "hate on for anything deemed 'liberal'." I guess you could say I have a "hate on" for hypocrites, that tell us to have an open mind while acting as thought police, promote tolerance while being entirely intolerant, champion free speech while practicing censorship, and just basically demand rights they deny others.
Of course I would have thought that you might have an interest in protecting those rights and realized that even people and groups that seem entirely incompatible can work together to protect those rights. But then again, since many if not most of our colleges and universities have something like a 16:1 liberal/conservative ratio in faculty I can see why you wouldn't want to rock the boat and allow for students to not only be exposed to more than one side of an issue in class, but to actually express their views without fear of retribution and/or ridicule.
Of course, I just believe a lot of parents would be shocked if they knew what was going on the schools they've just paid lots of good money to for their kids to get an 'education.'Quote:
Originally Posted by Lacey5765
I know it's tough, but hang in there and remember the verse in Proverbs, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." They don't forget how they were raised, so just pray for her, love her unconditionally, and be that place where she can always come in for a soft landing.Quote:
Maybe as some have said she is just growing up. My problem seems to be how to show her I love her and trust her decisions. It is so hard to watch what I think are decisions she that she will come to regret. I am getting to the point where I do realize she has been smart in her previous decisions and hope she will continue. Then I worry that when she made those decisions she asked for God's guidance and she was blessed and protected because she followed his will. My fear is that if she isn't seeking his will she will make mistakes. I know... SHe will make mistakes and that is part of growing up too. It just hurts that you can't prevent the hurt for her. It still is hard to be around her because I can only feel pain. I hope that in time and with her being away it will help. I want to be a good parent. That is what I have devoted my life to being.
Oh OK, I'll refer people to the Politics section of this board where you're raison d'être seem to demolish all things democrat.Quote:
Originally Posted by speechlesstx
Also you cite a few problems in a country of thousands of institutions that operate without incident. I'd say the colleges as a whole are doing very well.
I know it's tough, but hang in there and remember the verse in Proverbs, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." They don't forget how they were raised, so just pray for her, love her unconditionally, and be that place where she can always come in for a soft landing.[/QUOTE]
Couldn't have said it better, great verse from Proverbs... keep praying and she will get it one day. Remember teenagers don't like to listen to their parents wisdom they want to be free to make very independent decisions...
NeedKarma: You really just like to argue don't you! You are ultra defensive about anything that remotely questions your beliefs. Give it a rest for a second.
mountain_man,
I love you dude but you haven't seen how often Speech attacks all things lib or dem. Someone has to keep him in check. :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
Thanks man... Speech is from TX, it kind of comes with the territory:D
LOL, you still can't seem to figure out that I back it up. Here, just pick a point on the map and pick a school, any school. It's way beyond "a few problems." Oh, and you're all welcome to visit the politics board where you'll see my raison d'être is establishing the truth in the midst of all the lies, spin and deception... and a little fun.Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
One of these days you'll get it - maybe. Some of my best friends are die hard libs, that doesn't matter to me. What matters is the truth, even when it's inconvenient (take a hint Al Gore).Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
Since you're a Bush apologist I have to snicker when I read your post.Quote:
Originally Posted by speechlesstx
It's a good thing I got that maybe in there. Does being a conservative automatically mean I'm a Bush apologist? Again, I'm more interested in the truth. Not a one of us alleged "Bush apologists" has ever shown blind loyalty to the man or the party, so snicker all you want, I'll never fit your mold.Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
Thanks again for the support between your disagreement.LOL It is funny that we can all come from different places and yet care to help people we have never met and often have little in common with. Thanks for your comments. I am working on not being so sensitive ( not doing very well). TOday I tried to reach out again. I called her to ask if she needed some kitchen items because I was in a store with great prices. I told her about them and she said " someone probably has them you don't need to buy them" I happen to know that they don't have them because while I was waiting for her to call me back I called her roommate and she said they could use the items. What is this?? I have been trying all summer to reach out. It is as if she want to push me away.
Lacey, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I know you are really struggling here. You have done the best that you can to raise her well and it is so difficult to let go and watch her fall and make mistakes. My daughter is going to middle school and I am teary eyed over the fact that she just turned 11. I don't know if I will be as strong as you have when she goes off to college. You are trying to reach out to her and you have to realize, she may pull away right now. It really is not about you, it is about defining herself separate from you. That is not an easy thing for a parent, but it is necessary for her to realize who she is. You will be proud of who she is and what she decides to do, because you know that you instilled good values and gave her a good foundation. I am praying for you to feel God's love and strength within you. Know that you are a good mother, and continue to love her and gently give her the space she needs. When she needs her mom, she will be calling. There will be a crisis or conflict that only a mother will know how to comfort. In the mean time, you will have to be patient. That won't be easy. Just remember how well she has done so far. She may exceed your expectations. Believing in her, will allow her to soar. I think you have been doing the best you can as well. YOur tears are not only for letting her go, but knowing that she will face her own struggles that you cannot prevent, along the way. You love her with all your heart, there is nothing more you could do or give her. Try to do something for yourself and focus on a goal that you have put aside for awhile. She will come back around. You are her safe haven and you always will be.
Thanks, Shatteredsoul your words made me cry ( again) but happy tears. I know she will do great things. She is strong willed and can accomplish anything she works to. She did make a couple of nice gestures. When she came home from work she asked about the kitchen items I bought and liked them. She said they probably could use them after all. And then just a few minutes ago she came by my office to show me her new haircut. Maybe she is trying too and doesn't know how to be grown up and yet allow me to mother her. Maybe this weekend will go OK. I will keep my expectations low so I am not disappointed. I do need to do something for myself but I have forgotten how. With four children I have immersed myself in doing things with them, sports music etc and don't really have any hobbies. Maybe time to learn one. Thanks for the vote of confidence.
You are truly a special person and a wonderful mom. I wish that my mom immersed herself in my life when I was young, like you have devoted to your children. Yes, it is easy to get lost in their lives, but you do have to reclaim your own. They will respect you for it and be proud of you for taking on a new chapter in your life. This is a beginning of great things for you, maybe this was supposed to happen, for you to discover those things that you forgot about a long time ago. A lost passion, a hidden talent, a love of yourself. So take the time to care for you, it will give you the strength to deal with the tenacious times and you are doing well. YOu are loving her and letting her go. LEarn a new hobby, painting, drawing, ceramics, pottery, a dance class, a musical instrument, write poetry. Continue to discover who you are, that is part of what you pass on as well. Remember I am rooting for you all the way!! Your welcome, it is well deserved.
AN update of the weekend. It was great! I was ever so careful to not diminish her adulthood in anyway. She wanted us to stay and help unpack and we had a great time. I cautiously asked what her plans were for Sunday as we left Saturday ( since she had previously said that she wouldn't be going to church when she returned to school) and she said "well i will see you at church and then you can take me out to lunch". She rod with her friends to church and then we all went to lunch together. She was excited to see all of her church friends and seemed to jumped right back into church so maybe she will keep going. If not she was at least considerate of my feelings and went Sunday for her family. I think things will be less strained with her gone. SHe can be her own person without my on looking. I can be less intrusive from a distance and will only know what she wants me to know which may be a good thing. We even talked about this summer and that maybe she might want to stay in her college town since her apartment is hers for a year. I guess that will most likely depend on what the boyfriend situation is by then. So thanks for the prayers and thoughts. I am in a happier place now.
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