Ruby
As you say we all have off days.

My initial response to your first post following mine was done in anger and hurt. I should not have been so thin skinned as to have taken and voiced offense.
(Did that confuse you as much as it is now doing me? Hope you understand which one I'm talking about)

Your apology is accepted though not needed.

Blessings,
John

Lacy, could it be that your daughter asked him to look in to the Mormon church then he just told him why he didn't like it then she asked why and he showed him why. She is an adult and can make her own decisions.

I know how LDS people are. I married into one. My mother in law doesn't like me, and they can be very pushy. Some people are great others can be mean. My hubby is LDS. I'm not, I'm not anti-mormon or anything I respect them, but I don't Believe.

Is it that you just don't like him because he isn't your faith?

Could me that this is how it came about. But again, I still don't believe that others should spend time making websites criticising any religion. ANd my concern was that she feels pressured to change to please him. I hope that she wouldn't pressure him to change his beliefs either. I also said that I don't dislike him. He is boy with high morals and from what I have seen a good person. I dislike the fact that she hasn't dated anyone else to know if he is the one she wants to be married to and she is making decisions as if he is.

She doesn't need to date other people to know if he is the right one.
I married my first and only boyfriend. I felt he was the one.
That's how your daughter feels. You should respect her decisions, and if you don't support her she will, little by little lose relationship with you. Family is the most important, and even if you don't agree, just let her know that you'll support her because you love her. If this guy isn't the right one, she will figure that out on his own.
I agree with you that no one should make websites, books etc criticising ANY religion, but it happenes, and it will keep happening, but we shouldn't worry because we are not the ones doing it. Let others do what they want to do. The words shouldn't hurt us because we know (from our faiths) what's true.

You don't want to push your daughter away. So, I say accept him, support her, and let her know that you love her. That does not mean that he needs to be at every family function. But, she needs to feel that you involve him. The last thing you need is to lose your daughter over a boy. If he is the right one, then she is a lucky person to find Mr. Right so soon. If not, you will be there to support her, and help mend her broken heart.

I have really appreciated the support here. You all seem like great people. This has helped quite a bit. I will try to take some of the advice you all have given. I didn't say before why I felt like the boyfriend was not the right one for her before because I felt what I am goind to tell you now was personal. But after reading that so many here are unsure of GOd or a Heavenly Being, I want to let you know that I know He does exist. YOu may not agree with this experience and may try to discount it. Please don't. It is very personal to me and show that Heavenly Father hears out prayers. SO... Last Sept, Oct my daughter ( and I) were concerned about this relationship. WE all assumed that once she went away to school that the reltionship would end. Well it didn't and she knew that she had always wanted to marry a Mormon so she prayed to know if this person was the right one because he wasn't Mormon and she had strong feelings for him. SHe never got an answer just confusion ( for me that was an answer, no peace but confusion) but she kept praying because that was not the answer she wanted. Well on Friday night I prayer fervently that she would have her answer. The next afternoon she called me very upset telling me that she had broken up with the boyfriend because she woke up and had no feelings towards him. SHe was frightened by the experience but recognized it as God's way of answering her. SHe joked that she had always been hard headed and it took something dramatic to let her see. SHe was miserable and going through all of the pain that break up has. SHe missed him, she having a boyfriend and the security it brings. But she knew at that time although she couldn't exactlly explain it to him, that GOd was helping her make the best decision for her. To make a painful story short they got back together because she said it hurt too much without him. I have tired as you all have previously suggested not to push him away but couldn't feel as warm towards him after this. I have been friendly and he has been to our home since this all has happened many many times but I just don't feel that he is the right one. WHen this religion thing came up I reminded her that GOd had spoken to her and she was going against what he had told her. I reminder her that she has agency and will choose for herself. SHe now discounts that experience as being under too much stress at school. DOes this make since to anyone now why I feel so strongly that this good young man is not the one I want my daughter with? I do know that it really doesn't matter what I want. ANd that I can't not prevent her from this choice. My concern is honestly for both of them. I am afraid that they both will miss the person that GOd has for them both because they are not available to find that person. Hope this all makes sense. Again, you may not agree but please do not mock me. I am open to comments but not God bashing. I am too sensitive right now.

Oh Lacey, I do understand and do believe. God answers all of our prayers and we can hear him, if we truly try and listen.

Now Lacey, I do wonder if you would have felt the same if after praying, she didn't react the way that she did, and felt love for her boyfriend even stronger. Would you still feel God answered your prayer?

Lacey, you have got to continue to pray, trust and believe. I think you are getting more spun up about this then even God would want you to.

Part of having faith is accepting and admitting that we really don't have any reason to have stress or anxiety, if we truly let God do the driving and accept His Will.

Please be careful in putting so much stress on yourself and your daughter in empahzing that God answered your prayer and by her still dating this young man, is going against God's wishes. I think it is unfair to both of you.

Perhaps, God is still formulating an answer to your prayer, and all of these steps you and your daughter are taking, is movement towards understand God's true intention and wishes.

Listen with your heart and try and close off your wishes and allow those of our loving Father in. God will not abandon niether you or your daughter, just continue to trust and have faith.

I understand. I think I have a problem with knowing how much is my responsibility as a parent and how too much to trust GOd.

In a way Lacey - that is a beautiful dilemma.

Just keep in mind, while being a parent, God is always there to help you and guide you.
The best you can do, is to be there for your daughter, listen, continue to educate and give your loving advice.

I also believe that the Mormon faith has Bishops that head the congregation. How would you or your daughter feel about seeking advice from the Bishop? Even if you think you know what the bishop is going to say, if you truly wish guidance and want it to be in accordance with what your faith would want you to do, would it help to seek consult from the bishop? Just a thought.

I wish you peace and I pray that peace does come to you and your daughter. You sound like a beautiful loving and caring Mother and that makes me smile. I have no doubt, you have raised a beautiful and loving daughter.

Yes, I think we will use your advice. SHe comes home on Tuesday. I was going to go pick her up but I am afraid that the 6 hour car ride would be too much for me emotionally. I am so afraid to say the wrong things to her that may push her away. I can't seem to stop crying and didn't want her to have to deal with all of my emotions for 6 hours. So her dad is going instead. WHen she asked why I wasn't coming I told her the truth. I said that I was still really emotional right now and did not want to say anything that would hurt our relationship. SHe seemed to be OK with that. Maybe to Ok for me. :) WE have been talking but just small talk and that has been OK but didn't know if I could keep it together for 6 hours.

Lacey-

Oh I am so sorry about all the tears that you have cried and do cry. Now that's one thing I do know for very sure, and that is, our Father, would not want you to be crying so many tears.

Lacey, give those tears over to our Father. Excerise that incredible faith that you have and truly believe that the Father is right there with you. That should put your heart at ease.

Thanks again, your concern and comments mean a lot. I feel blessed to have come to this site and have received great advice. I thank you all. I hope when I am in a better place I can do the same for others. You are right. I am an incredible control freak when it comes to my children. I truly believe that raising my children is the most important job I have. Maybe I am to learn a lesson here as well. I do have to have Faith in my Heavenly Father and know that he loves her more than I do and will protect her more than I can.

Amen Sister Lacey :)

Now you just dry those eyes and please realize, that you are a blessing to us as well. To me, your faith, your wanting to lead your life according to Our Father's wishes, reminded me, who should actually be in charge :) So thank YOU and blessings to you as well.

You do have a beautiful problem on your hands if I may say. It warms my heart to see a loving Mother care so deeply for her daughter. And okay, yeah, a bit on the controlling side, but hey, :), if we all didn't have things to work on, well, we wouldn't be here to work on them. LOL.

My very best to you and I truly do mean it when I tell you that you have reminded me, who I should be turning to - to help guide my way.

Bless you Lacey and your daughter as well - I will keep both of you in my prayers.

I haven't been able to get back online as much as I had hoped.

Lacey, it is so upsetting to me to see you in such distress. Although I do have my own beliefs, I never force those beliefs onto others, and never discount someone else's faith. I try to encourage those people who post their problems that appear to be religious, to turn to whatever belief structure they have as a support when they are troubled.

I am so very glad Allheart was here to help you and that you are listening to her. She is as right as rain on this. As you can see, Allheart is a wonderful lady. She is truly a good person whose compassion is bigger than life at times, and she truly hurts to see other people who are hurting. As she has stated, you need to put your trust in your faith and pray. You know in your heart that you cannot force this situation to be what YOU want it to be. This relationship your daughter is in, will be guided and unfold the way it is meant to. I know the last thing you want to do is to push your child away from you. You need to find your strenth. Pray for it. Please don't fall apart on your daughter over this situation. Your family needs you to be the strong woman and support that you have always been. Please keep us posted as to how you are holding up with this situation.

Thank you Ruby - I am so blessed to have met you. Thank you for loving me. I truly mean that. (Sorry Lacey, didn't mean to go off track - a hug for you as well)

Ruby gives the soundest most compasionate advice with a wisdom that makes what at first is so merky, become so clear. Bless you Ruby.

Lacey, we are all here for you.

I can see why you, ALLHEART have this name. You Ruby Pitbull, I am not so sure. Pitbulls are portrayed as mean and aggressive. Doesn't fit you at all! :)

Oh, don't be fooled. I am a true fighting pitbull when the situation calls for it. ;)

Thanks for the warning!

Here are my thoughts. Getting angry or giving your daughter "the speech" may only push her further away from your family. When he is in your home, make sure that you include him in your family prayers and family home evenings. Include him as part of your family and respect your daughter's decisions. I know it may be hard, but there is nothing worse to a college kid newly away from home, than having parents nag at you about going to church things like that. This is probably the first time in her life where she is able to make her own decisions without her parents watching over her shoulders. She is just trying it out to see how it goes.
Pray lots and open your scriptures for answers. This has worked numerous times for countless individuals. I hastily remember a story about a general authority who was called on a mission with his. They were hesitant to go but were promised in a blessing that their child that has left the church will return and regain their testimony if they go on their mission. They went and their child returned. Remember, faith can move mountains. Surely faith can help your daughter too. Good luck.

Thanks for the support. SHe comes home tonight so we will see how things go. I will try to be nice to him for her sake and give her the space she needs to make her own decisions. Wish me luck and prayers wouldn't hurt either.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lacey5765

Thanks for the support. SHe comes home tonight so we will see how things go. I will try to be nice to him for her sake and give her the space she needs to make her own decisions. Wish me luck and prayers wouldn't hurt either.

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I will do both!

Ok, update. It has been less than 24 hours since she has arrived home but to far so good. I took some great advice from some great people ( pat yourselves on the back). I was trying to be as "normal" as possible for her home coming and not show my emotions. So since it was to late to cook her favorite dinner I made her favorite cookies. We just had small talk but everyhting went well. She really does seem like the old daughter I left at college. I think I was afraid that because she wasn't sure of her beliefs I thougt she would be differnet person. The good News... She is still great! I do see that she is more independent but I guess that is what I want her to be. The issue isn't resolved but I do feel much better about it and think I may actually survive! We haven't discussed relgion yet but so far so good. Thanks for the prayers and don't stop yet!

And she will always be a great person regardless of her beliefs. :)

Very true NeedKarma. Good parenting does that. :)

I am glad that you are relaxing a bit here Lacey. You know your daughter is a great kid. Keep up the good work. Enjoy her company this summer. Support and love her as you always have. :)

I'm glad things are going well. Sounds like you handled it just like the good parent that you appear to be. Your relationship with your daughter will be stronger too, because she probably expects there to be some sort of 'speech' from you or your husband, or to be treated poorly for her decisions. When it doesn't happen, she will be grateful.

You all are generous. I do feel better but still anxious. I am not planning a "speech" but am going to continue to practice our religious beliefs as we always have. I will invite her and her boyfriend to attend and participate but will try not to force it.

Don't just "try not to" Lacey honey, please don't force anything. You will find resistance from your daughter if you do, and her boyfriend may use that to further his agenda. Include them in your activities. Surrounding them with positive messages, just might bring him around to respecting your beliefs and stop his judgemental behavior.

Update- All going well. My daughter chose to go to church Wednesday night with her siblings without any coaxing. I am feeling much better as I see she is showing her independence without being confrontational. I am not offering advice unless she asks. The boyfriend thing may fizzle out on its own as I'm not sure that they are as compatible now that she is here everyday. Hopefully she can get busy with other friends as they come home for the summer and she will be starting a job next week. Maybe she will see that she can be happy without a boyfriend at all for right now. I have been polite to the boyfriend ( much to my surprise I am not angry with him anymore). I am thinking the more neutral I am about the relationship the better. Maybe she won't choose to show her independence through him or church if she can be independent in other ways. ANyone who has survived a 19 yo might advise me on that note. Anyway, you all have been great when I needed support and I have enjoyed talking with you all.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lacey5765

Update- All going well. My daughter chose to go to church Wednesday night with her siblings without any coaxing. I am feeling much better as I see she is showing her independence without being confrontational. I am not offering advice unless she asks. The boyfriend thing may fizzle out on its own as I'm not sure that they are as compatible now that she is here everyday. Hopefully she can get busy with other friends as they come home for the summer and she will be starting a job next week. Maybe she will see that she can be happy without a boyfriend at all for right now. I have been polite to the boyfriend ( much to my surprise I am not angry with him anymore). I am thinking the more neutral I am about the relationship the better. Maybe she won't choose to show her independence through him or church if she can be independent in other ways. ANyone who has survived a 19 yo might advise me on that note. Anyway, you all have been great when I needed support and I have enjoyed talking with you all.

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Lacey
I've survived two 19 yos. Remain Neutral on most kinds of negative. Independence and encourage any pos.. Independence. Even if there is a problem if you can minimize the conflict she will forgive given some time. I have to admit that sometimes I didn't think mine would ever come back (I had some pretty bad anger issues back then and was always too outspoken) but after a while they did come around and we have a very good relationship these days and have had for quite some time (they're 40 and 36). After all is said and done you are still her Mom and she won't forget it.
Blessings,
John

Yes, at the end of the day, even if she shaved her head, joined the "moonies" and was selling flowers at the airport, she is still your daughter and you love her.

And just as I was starting to relax this... I walked in my daughter and boyfreind making out last night. Still clothed but more than kissing going on. We have always had long talks about this behavior and what it will lead and here it is. I think she had been going along with everything that she thought I wanted her to so she could avoid the argument. SHe had posted on her web site that maybe she should pretent that she does want what I want. Now what?? Can I not allow him here?

This is a really tough situation. I really feel for you. On the one hand, you don't agree with her behavior, but on the other hand, you don't want to push away you daughter. I would be willing to bet that confronting her on this will cause more problems for you that you would like.
It is your home, however, and you have the ability to make and enforce the rules. However, if your daughter is doing this behavior in your house, she is probably doing it other places too.
This is what I am going to tell you. It sounds like you have been a great mother to her for these 19 years. At one point you just have to tell yourself that your daughter is accountable for her own actions, and you have to trust that your parenting over the years will guide her in the decisions that she makes and continues to make. You have taught her what is right and what is wrong. She knows this and knows that you know she knows this. You cannot force your will on your daughter. One of the greatest gifts that our loving God has given us is the ability and freedom to choose for ourselves. Remember, satan wants to take this freedom away.
In my opinion, you just have to let her make her decisions. It is OK to let her know what you think about the decisions she is making, but do it in such a nice way that will surprise you're her. This must be so hard for you, but it is not possible for you to govern every choice that your daughter will ever make. You just have to pray and hope that she will follow her heart and make the decisions that she feels are the right ones. Your Heavenly Father is very conscious of the situation. Always remember this.

Lacy, autta is right. If you banish him from the house, if you try to force your will upon her, she will go in the exact opposite direction. There should not be any argument. That is the exact wrong way to handle this. You have a right to tell her that she should be respectful of the rules of the house and that you are disappointed in her behavior. But, an argument over this is not constructive and will only lead to a division between you. Please try to avoid this. I think it might be wise for you to have a discussion with someone in your church that you respect and admire. Someone with older children or someone who was themselves a child in the same situation as your daughter is in. Knowing both you and your daughter, they can give you some insight and guidance on how to handle this situation.

Ok we had a talk and I left it that they were not to be in our house alone and if we went to bed at 10 then he leaves. Her argument was that they were going to get married someday so it would be OK as along as they don't have intercourse. We talked calmly about how any sexual behavior is wrong but... I also tried to reason with her that although they both felt that they would be married eventually that most likely at 19 at 17 they don't know that. And how sharing these intimate moments with our marriage will be cheating their future spouses. ANy advise on how to let them see that they have no idea who to marry yet and are way to young to think otherwise? SHe also informed me that she has no intention of going to church once she returns to school and I told her that I had no intentions of lettting her have a car that I pay for either. I explained that a car was reward for making muture and good choices and if she wasn't making good choices she didn't get the reward. SHe is gone now to talk with the boyfriend about "cooling things down". HELP

Isn't she 19? If my daughter waited until 19 to start heavy petting then I'd be more than OK with that, uncomfortable if it's my house of course, but OK. It's time to cut the cord so to speak.

Lacey, although you don't see it that way because you calmly spoke with her, what you are doing IS controlling behavior. NeedKarma and others have made a point that she is 19. What you are doing is treating her as if she is 16. Not good my dear. Not smart at all. Threatening to take away her car because you feel she isn't acting like a mature adult is like a slap in the face. It isn't as if she is running around toilet papering people's houses in the middle of the night. It isn't as if she is throwing herself on the ground and stomping her feet, screaming and crying. Telling her that she is way too young to be talking about marriage and she has no idea who she will marry, is also not good. She is deadly serious about this situation. She feels that she is going to be marrying him. You can't reason with that or tell her NO, absolutely not. She is legally of an age where can choose to marry who she wants to.

Doing these things you have done will push her away from you. You are trying to control a situation that you have no control over. What will happen when she returns to school? You won't be around and she will be with the boyfriend. With your current actions, you are pushing her right into his arms.

Please rethink your actions and responses. I know you were upset catching them but you need to tell her that their actions made you uncomfortable and you do not want them doing that under your roof. That is reasonable enough. It is your house and you have rules. But, telling her she doesn't know who she will marry and she is not acting mature is not reasonable in her mind. She has been living away from home. She is responsible for her life at school. You can't control that. If you aren't careful, she will go back to school and marry him while there.

You have to accept that she is not your little girl anymore, and you cannot force or impose your wishes upon her.

Lacey,

God Bless you honey. Honest to heaven. I feel so bad for you. Your poor heart. Lacey, Lacey, Lacey. Try and relax. Try and let go of her, even just a little.

Now, you should make it known that no way under your roof should that ever happen and it should never ever happen again under your roof as it is disrespectful.

Lacey, that is all you can do. If you take any further negative mesaures with you, I promise you, ALL communication will cease. You will be lucky if you know is she has a cold or not.

I would not touch on your conversation that you had with her about the car. No, please, do not ban him from your home. You voice your displeasure to your daughter, about the things that you expect to be done and not done under your roof, and that's it.

Lacey, hun, hang in there. Put a rubberband around your wrist, and if you feel you are going into "trying to control mode" pull it and let it SNAP :).

Keeping you in our thoughts Lacey, we know how hard this is for you!

Well, despite the warnings she just returned from the boyfriend and said that after talking they both agreed that they were moving to fast. They have agreed to not be intimate and keep themselves around other people so that they are not tempted. By the way the boyfriend does not go to school where she is and she won't being seeing him unless she's home. Does anyone else see that having sex before marriage is wrong? I can't be the only old fashioned one left. This is our values and what she has been taught and agreed with until this relationship. Yes she is older now but that shouldn't change your moral beliefs. At this point I don't see much difference if they did get married .they are living as they are. Everything she does is centered around the fact that they plan to marry anyway. SHe has isolated herself from her former friends and changed her beliefs to match his so that they can be more compatible in marriage so would it really matter? At least then I wouldn't worry about the sex before marriage.

Lacey,

Your mind is just racing and for things that like Ruby said, you really have not control over.
Why invite worry before it need arrive?

Each day with your daughter is a precious gift. Learn to embrace it.
Oh, I know it must be so darn hard. I can't even imagine Lacey. I am not a parent and more than likely I would be spinning just as you are, maybe even worse.

But you have done a beautiful job with your daughter. This is your time to breath out and start to see the results of your hard work. Trust and love your daughter, oh and be sure and purchase one rubber band, better make it two in case the first one breaks.

You are not the only "old-fashioned one left". I don't think you are wrong at all for believing sex before marriage is wrong. Your post led me to believe that they were not having intercourse but doing some heavy petting. I was also under the impression that they were together at school.

I know that she has adjusted herself to please him. I don't like the fact that it appears that he is controlling her behavior. I do believe it is not good that she is cutting off contact with her friends. She should be doing what she believes is correct and right, not being controlled by anyone.

I hope that they stick to their agreement. She needs to be around her friends and have her own life. A person cannot live their lives solely to please someone else.

Allheart has given you some good advice. I like the rubber band idea. Take deep breaths. Count to three. You don't want to force her to choose between you and the boyfriend.