Ask Me Help Desk - Premarital sex when intending to marry?

See... it's a decision that YOU have to make.

I have no problem with you having sex, as long as you take reasonable precautions--like birth control.

But--I'm Wiccan, not Christian. I personally believe you shouldn't EVER buy a car without test-driving it, and sex is a HUGE part of a marriage. MY beliefs are that it's STUPID to get married without having sex with your partner.

BUT--those are MY beliefs. YOUR belief system says that you should not have sex until marriage.

The question you have to ask yourself--because really, this is YOUR decision, in the end--is whether your religion is more important than your desire to have sex.

I think the group consensus is that you two should make your own decision. And not rely on internet strangers. If you are strong enough to wait, then wait.

Thanks everyone, and yes, my boyfriend and I will ultimately make the decision on our own, but I wanted to see others advice as well. Thanks for all the input, everyone made some very good points.

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Originally Posted by faithandlove

Ok, so I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are a very much in love and are both strong Christians. We get along so well, its almost unbelievable. He is truly my best friend and we are so close. We know 100% that we will get married someday. The problem is, we do not want to get married until we graduate college and are able to support ourselves. However, that is fours years that we must wait until we make love. Neither one of us thinks that we can wait and we are setting ourselves up for failure. Is it wrong for us to have sex when we know we are going to get married?

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

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How much does one legal document really say?

If it were only a piece of paper which documented a legal transaction, a contract, if that is all you were going to get, it wouldn't matter at all.

But it isn't.

The office of matrimony, the office of motherhood is a covenant. It is a covenant between you, your spouse and God. This covenant says that you will be a holy trinity of love, joined together in God's Spirit.

Genesis 2
24 Wherefore a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be two in one flesh.

Let me say that again, you will be one in God. A Holy Trinity of Love.

Just as God is a Holy Trinity, God the Father loves God the Son and God the Son loves God the Father and the Love that binds them is God the Holy Spirit.

You and your husband will be joined in one flesh by that same Holy Spirit of Love. And soon that physical joining which climaxes the spiritual joining will result in that little flesh that will be the living symbol of your love for each other. And you will give that flesh a name.

So please wait.

Oh and please remind your future spouse that matrimony is not about your being happy. It is about your faithfulness to each other. It is about growing together in the love of God. It is about your spiritual salvation. It is about your faithfulness through thick and thin. It is about suffering and loving each other despite the arguments and the downfalls.

This is why it is such an apt metaphor for your life in Christ.

Ephesians 5:
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ also loved the church, and delivered himself up for it:... 28 So also ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife, loveth himself. 29 For no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, as also Christ doth the church: 30 Because we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be two in one flesh. 32 This is a great sacrament; but I speak in Christ and in the church.

Sincerely,

De Maria

Wow. Thank you De Maria, I needed that. That is a very touching response, and I really hope I can wait. I loved what you said about the little flesh that will be the living symbol of our love.
Also, about the covenant thing, we have promised to marry each other and raise children together, but I guess it isn't the same until we say our vows. We treat each other like we are married, and sometimes I forget that indeed we are not.

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Originally Posted by faithandlove

Wow. Thank you De Maria, I needed that. That is a very touching response, and I really hope I can wait. I loved what you said about the little flesh that will be the living symbol of our love.
Also, about the covenant thing, we have promised to marry each other and raise children together, but I guess it isn't the same until we say our vows. We treat each other like we are married, and sometimes I forget that indeed we are not.

You're welcome. May God bless you both.

And, I know it sounds trite, but it isn't. Please remember, the family that prays together, stays together.

Sincerely,

De Maria

P.S. and please consider homeschooling those little ones. You might want to start talking about that already. My wife and I are really happy that we did.

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Originally Posted by De Maria

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Of course you may BELIEVE that it is a sin.
But if it is a sin, and what "sin" actually means in this case, is highly questionable.
.
In my views a marriage is a too important relationship not to have a good inspection of all the "goods" involved in it on compatibility prior to the association.
Some months ago I read in a newspaper that the US divorce rate is the highest in the entire world.
No wonder, if so many people are prepared to buy a possible pig in a poke...
Note : I do not mention gender, of who "buys". Because marriage is a case of two people deciding (both).
;)

I have been an ordained A/G minister for years. Whether a marriage succeeds or not does not depend on age, but maturity. My wife and I were just short of our 18th birthdays when we married. There was no premarital sex. We have been married for over 53 years, have 5 children and even great grandchildren. My advice to you is, if you are mature, (you seem to be, I can't know anything about your intended) and you marry and exercise precautions against pregnancy, it costs no more to live than it does separately. Many married couples continue their education thorugh graduation. A VERY wise course of action. If your parents are Christians, they would likely much rather see you do this than to just live together. Hope this helps. Christian love to you.

Galveston, yes I understand it does not cost more to live separately, but right now my father is supporting me because I'm in college. If I married, he would not support me anymore, and I would not be financially stable. I do not want to have that burden in the first year of marriage.

This is one of the hardest things to deal with in a relationship in my opinion. I am a christian as well and have been struggling with it forever!! I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend (almost a year ago and I'm 23) and told him I wanted to wait. He was religious but not christian and respected my decision. But temptation got to the best of me and we ended up having sex for 8 months.. then until recently I started feeling guilty and told him I wanted to stop.. he said OK
It's been tough.. we've slipped three times.. and like you.. we are waiting to be more financially stable before we marry, and it's going to be a while

IT'S SO HARD! I feel these thoughts that it's OK sometimes and the temptation is too great.. and then other times I feel guilt.. I guess there is really no clear cut answer to your question.. but it helps to talk it out

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It would not be smart to jump into marriage at this time--we want to do it right, when we are secure. Although it is very tempting!

Of course its tempting, and a reason why human kind, is still growing no matter the obstacles or divorce rate. You have chosen your path, so now its up to you to stay on it, and not find an easier softer way. I'm not a Christian, but do believe if you commit to something, do it all the way with all you have. So be a good Christian, and resist temptation. Unless your looking to scratch that itch, and need validation.

THat's a good point Talaniman, if you aren't ready for marriage, you aren't ready for sex. And I mean YOU specifically. Stay with your beliefs. Be strong.

There nothing wrong at alll with following GOD plan for your life the bible say that its better to Marry then to burn with passion but if your not ready u might need to wait.. the bible also say that GOD makes a way to escape every temptation.. if need be pray about it ONLY GOD can give u what your looking for in I don't no if u read your bible but that helps a lot to...

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Originally Posted by faithandlove

I AM ready for marriage. The only thing that is holding us back is wanting to graduate college and being able to support ourselves. Our relationship is very mature, and with the money and age issues aside, we would be more than ready to marry. Also, my family would most likely not be supportive of me marrying at such a young age, and his definitely would not, even though both of our families know that we will end up together. We are pretty much inseparable and everyone knows it. Most are shocked when they learn we haven't had sex. They always say, "but you seem so close." Yes, we are very close, but are trying to follow the path of God. What I am trying to figure out is His path for me. Sometimes it is weird that we haven't had sex though. I feel like its unfair that so many other people that are not in love already have! Maybe we should just get married. There is some way to make it work right? Get jobs and go to school at the same time? Get a loan from the bank? Sorry if I'm blabbing..but I like getting advice. Thanks for the help!