Need help in knowing how to deal with this situation. My 19 yo daughter is in college and dating a boy of another religion. We have raised her in the Mormon faith and she has always been very active in her faith never has she doubted her testimony. Her boyfriend asked her some difficult doctrinal questions and gave her anti mormon literature to read. She now is questioning all of her beliefs including the Bible. She is consumed by this boyfriend and hopes to marry him in the future. This is the only boy she has ever dated and even if he had been the same religion I would not feel that they are right for each other. I am concerned that she is willing to give up everything she has known and her support group in college for this boy. She has attended church 3 days per week while in school. I am angry with him and don't know how to feel towards her. She is coming home next week and I don't know how to handle this situation. I will be seeing them both all summer as she will live at home and he lives in our home town. I know she is an adult but I feel she is making decisions based on pleasing him and not for the right reasons. Please help!

At 19 she is an adult now and has the ability to question things. We can't tell by your post if the boy is a bad person or if you just don't like him.

He is a good person and I don't really dislike him. I feel that he was disrespectful to challenge our beliefs and suggest that she read material that was speaking badly of her beliefs. I just concerned that neitherof them have been in a relationship before and don't really know what they need in a partner yet.

At 19 she is an adult now and can make up her own mind as to her faith. It is also common for young adults to venture outside of their comfort zone to explore new ideas, places, values. This could be the case for her. But, this does not mean that this is a permanent change.

I really cannot comment on the boy. He could be a very nice young man.

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Originally Posted by Lacey5765

He is a good person and I don't really dislike him. I feel that he was disrespectful to challenge our beliefs and suggest that she read material that was speaking badly of her beliefs. I just concerned that neitherof them have been in a relationship before and don't really know what they need in a partner yet.

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How do you know that she did not ask for the literature?
Part of growing up is figuring out what you need in a partner. In order to do that you need to date and find out what you like what you don't like, what values are important to you etc. Just because they are seeing each other does not mean that they will definitely marry sometime down the road.

Personally I'm a big fan of marrying a little later in life so that you have a good idea of what a compatible mate is for you. I agree with you there. I don't care much for organized religion but I do believe that if one is involved with it it should be of their own free will, not because someone else wants them to.

I actually think it is important for people to explore other faiths, read about them and come to their own decisions. I have done extensive research on many religions, and found my place with the same religion I was raised in, but that was of my own choosing. I wouldn't necessarily go as far as to say that this boy is the one who stemmed her doubts, she could have already shown doubts, and he suggested additional reading. I think what is important is that you support your daughter in her decisions and pray for her, and then respect her decision whether you believe it is right or not, but not push her in one direction or the other. Ultimately it is her decision. We give our children as much advice and education as we can, but we need to eventually let them go and let them choose their own place. Good luck.

It is sad that someone can have so much "hate" against what someone believes to give them those silly anti mormon matierials, I have seen a lot of things written by chick and other hate groups such as theirs.

I don't understand why he can not merely accept her for being a christian of another denomination. This young man has some serious christianity issues hisself, and sadly she is too love blind to deal with it.

He is already trying to change your daughter into what he wants, not accept and love her for who she is.

In the end it is her choice and one she may end up regretting, as I am sure more and more changes to mold her in his image of a perfect girlfriend is coming.

I would say if she has questions on her faith, introduce her to people that can give her those answers, show her how the material she was given is nothing more than hate against other Chrsitians.
I have little pity for those groups that attack other Christians denominatinos just because they do not practice all of the same things or worship a little different. * by the way those same hate groups that attack mormoms also attack catholics so you are not alone

Thank you all for your comments and support. Prayerfully we will get through this.

Lacey, you have been given some wonderful advice here. I will go one step further. Is there someone in your Church that your daughter admires and respects? It would be beneficial for you to speak with that person. The last thing you want to do is, as the parent, try to dissuade your daughter. Even though she is an adult at 19, she is still your teenage child and may go in the exact opposite direction of what you desire if you push her too hard. Find a way for her to reconnect with someone at your Church that she admires. Let that person be the guide to her.

Even though the boy lives in the same town, find as many fun family and Church outings as possible to take your daughter to this summer. Find as tactful a way as you can to leave him uninvited. She needs to be shown that questioning her community and the strong bonds that it brings, will be a monumental loss to her if she chooses to follow her boyfriend's religion.

I agree with Fr Chuck that to minimize a different religion, is a way for the boyfriend to control. If there is true love, one does not try to change the other person and make them into something they are not. I think a bit of separation from him might be in order, but it has to be done in a nonconfrontational and subtle way so it is not apparent to her what is being done. She needs to spend time with her family and friends as much as possible to realize what she would be giving up. She needs reaffirmation of her faith in as positive, nonconfrontal, nonjudgemental way as possible. The intent, and hopefully the result, will show her that what her boyfriend is doing IS judgemental, and that he is telling her that he does not accept her as she is, and does not accept her family and friends.

Thanks so much! I was thinking the same thing but I am not sure how to "uninvite him". Generally when she is home he is at our home or if we try to do something together as a family she always asks if he can come along. How do I say "no" without obviously excluding him? I don't want to push her further towards him. Honestly right now I don't want him in our home right now. I am still angry. How do I respect her need for independence and her right to regain her testimony without letting her making choices for the wrong reason?

How many other family members do you have living with you? Does she have brothers, sisters, grandparents? Whichever ones you have the best relationship with and feel the same way as you do, are the ones you should have a private discussion with. If a grandparent or a sibling is the one to plan the family outing and "suggest" just family, she might be more amenable to it. Also, you may just want to discuss this with a church elder that you and your husband respect. I am sure they have dealt with this before. This person, or other parents who have gone through this, may have some additional ideas as to how to "positively manipulate" this situation.

I think planning as many church family functions as possible this summer will be extremely helpful. Especially if you have people that she admires and respects within the church become involved in this. The more you allow your church family to help, the better. This boy won't want to go to church functions. And, if he does, this is an excellent opportunity to show him what The Mormon Church is really about and dispel the propaganda he has been spouting.

Great ideas. She is the oldest of 4. I am working on planning some activities now! I just hope that she doesn't use "I am an adult now" excuse not to attend. She did promise in an earlier discussion that she would go to church when she was home so that she did not negatively influence her siblings. Do you think it is wise to express my feelings toward him? I feel like I want to tell him that I am hurt by his actions and at this time can't be around him at this time. Also that I will work to get over those feelings out of respect for my daughter. Are 17 yo boys able to comprehend a mothers love?

No. 17 year old boys don't have clue except what their hormones are telling them! He cannot relate to how a mother feels until he has children of his own.

I know this is hard for you but you need to be as "nice and as sweet as pie" to him. Do not do anything that might undermine your daughter from participating in the activities that other friends and family members "set up." You need to act like everything is wonderful and these activities are not your idea but that you are just going along with them. It will be the only chance you have at getting your daughter to make the right decisions and will allow her to feel that they are her decisions. As I said, I suspect the BF will opt out on all these Church activities. But, if he doesn't, everyone needs to kill him with kindness and show him that what he has been taught about the Mormon Church is untrue. If this is handled right, you may find that he will be open to listening and may just get a clue as to how unfair he has been to your family.

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Originally Posted by Lacey5765

I just hope that she doesn't use "I am an adult now" excuse not to attend.

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But she is an adult and has that right. No one should be dragged against their will anywhere.

The best way to work at getting over this is to rely on your family and friends within the Church for. I am not a Mormon but I know how wonderful a support network they can be. You have to actively try to hide your true feelings about this. Get everyone else, other than her parents, to extend the invites. She won't be so resistant if she feels that people just want to do activities with her and it isn't just her parents pushing her into this.

You are right NeedKarma but it is appears that the BF is controlling her. She will not be dragged. She will be a willing participant if this is handled correctly. In the end, it will ultimately be the daughter's decision.

Yet the mormons show up at my house wanting me to "discuss" my faith (i.e. convert me) and that's OK? You can't have it one way and not the other.

O my -- your child is starting to find her own way in life. Isn't that what you really wanted?

she doubted her testimony" -- Of course she had not -- was she ever exposed to other thoughts at all outside your beliefs?
What your dealing with is a adult that's finding HER own way. Your path might not be what turns out to be the right path for her. -- Savage

NK, I don't think it is fair for you to equate your situation with theirs.

We can only go by what Lacy is telling us. She is looking for help in a situation where, up until this boy showed up, there wasn't a problem He is handing the daughter anti Mormon literature. We don't know what denomination he is. Maybe he is a fundamentalist. Maybe something else. But, the fact that he seems to be trying to actively convert her away from her faith is problematic in my mind. How much control is he instilling over her? Will he convince her to separate herself from her family and friends? If he is successful, where will she find herself? Cut off from those she loves?

Obviously, she will make her own decisions in the end. But, if he is actively controlling her, the family needs to act and not sit idly by. And they need to do it in a way in which they aren't judging or being reactive, just reminding her of her values and the closeness that they share. I don't see it as being a problem for them to attempt this. All they can do is try.

Now, now Savage my dear. No need for sarcasm. Yes, it is very possible that this girl may turn away from her Church. But Lacy is looking for help, not criticism. I don't see how making an attempt this summer, without putting undue pressure on her daughter, will hurt anything.

I think a lot of assumptions have been made here. It would be nice to hear from the boy's side or the daughter herself before Fr. Chuck starts labelling him as full of hate like he did.

Well, in a perfect world, that would be nice. But, it is the mother that is posting and looking for constructive help. If the daughter or the BF posted, we would be advising them. Possibly in a completely different way. We can only go by what is being told to us and even though Lacy admits she is angry, I don't really read that in her postings here. I find her to be quite logical and a very nice woman who is very concerned about her daughter. So, why not offer constructive advice? In the end, if she handles herself without losing her temper or trying to be forceful with her daughter or the BF, at least she knows that she tried her best. If her daughter does choose to move away from her faith, hopefully, she will know that the door will always be open to her and that she will not lose the love and support of her family. To me, that is the most important factor here.

Lacey -

You have incredible advice and insight already. I will just add a little more -

Love and trust your daughter. I know you do, and it is normal to be a little fearful, when the very values and teachings that you have instilled in your daughter are being questioned.

Pray for her, that she will make the very best decision and be there for her. That's really all that is left for you to do. You have spent years teaching her values, teaching her morals, introducing her to God, and I am sure you have done a beautiful job, as I said, all that is left for you to do, is to love her, trust her and be there for her.

Sadly, this will not be the first time someone approaches your daughter and questions her faith, tries to get her to doubt her faith. It's a big huge at times wonderful at times not so wonderful world out there. There will be days filled with temptation, doubt, choices for your daughter to make. You have given her all the tools you possilbly can to allow her to make the right choice. Trust in the work and love you have given her to date.

She will be okay - trust, believe and PRAY :)

You all have been a great help to me. I really am a stable person. Believe it or not I actually work in the mental health field. As to the Mormons knocking on your door, I hope they politely asked if you wanted to know more about the LDS religion. And if you said "no" that they didn't offer you anything criticising your faith. Again, I know that my daughter needs to and will discover for herself what is best for her. My concern is that this was brought on by the boyfriend. All of her life she has explained and defended her beliefs to others and was never shaken. My worry is that this exploration was brought on for the wrong reasons. That being to please the boyfriend. I have not mentioned his faith because I do not want to leave negative impressions of his faith. He plans to be a minister and thus wants a wife of the same faith. Noble, but I just wish that he would find someone of his faith instead of trying to make my daughter into that person. I say I am angry, maybe more scared and hurt. Again he is not a bad person and he may truly think he is saving her from this terrible religion. But it can't be all bad right? That is who she is and what attracted him to her to begin with.

I agree with you Lacey. The values you instilled in her was a part of what attracted him to her in the first place.

Just keep in mind that what the others have said is true. Your daughter is an adult and she will come to her own decisions. Do not force or push her to do anything that she doesn't want to do. If you find that whatever you do falls on deaf ears (meaning your daughter), all you can do is provide the love and support you have always given her and let her know that you will always be there for her. She will need to hear that from you.

Dear Mom and Dad (or friends or family),

I (or we if leaving as a couple or family) have been doing some major thinking and studying over the past few years regarding our religion. My intention in writing this is only to be honest with you, and I hope you will be open minded as you read on. Please mull it over for several days before discussing it with anyone as it may be a bit shocking at first. It will be better if some initial time is used to sort out your feelings.


I feel that growing up in the church has offered many positive benefits and opportunities. In particular, we are grateful for the emphasis on family values, good morals, and honesty. However, we have some concerns about Mormonism and raising our kids in the church. I don’t want to go into details because I know of your strong belief and love for the gospel, and I respect your choice of beliefs. I want you to know that my emerging beliefs are not in vast conflict, as far as morals go, with those of the church. We have no desire to change the good standards of living that we have been taught, and plan to nourish those in the kids as well.

Basically, I’d like to continue to grow in an environment which allows a less restrictive view of life, and I'd like our kids to have those same opportunities. I want to raise them in such a manner that they will achieve their fullest potential without having to go through some of the guilt and pressures that may be unnecessarily felt by LDS youth. I don’t think that raising them in a church which claims to be "the one true church on earth", and personally not believing this, would do them any good. I want them to have the freedom to live out their own thought-out convictions. I also want to be totally honest with each other and the kids. Pretending to believe is no longer an honest option.

My personal reasons for doing this are based on a great deal of research (several years worth), and this turn of events has in no way been a hasty decision. The initial conclusions that I was drawing were very painful to me at first, but in the long run it has been a positive experience. My personal integrity has been preserved in the process.

It is not my intention to hurt you by making this choice. You are my parents, and I love and respect you both. You have done nothing to cause this change of events in our lives. We personally must follow our own paths. I hope that you can respect that. We are hoping that our relationship with the family and our friends will continue to be as good as it has been in the past. Our love for you and the family hasn’t changed, and we hope you will remember this first and foremost.

Love, Mormon Youth

Exmormon.net - About This Ministry

Lacey
Time for one of those much maligned Fundies(as we have been called on another forum) to weigh in. I am a Pentecostal preacher. Wait, before you go click and leave me you might be surprised by what I have to say.

My youngest daughter's former mother-in-law was a Latter Day Saint and I personally have probably never seen a woman who loved the Lord any more than she did. I have known many LDS through the years and have never had a complaint about their morals, values or anything else about them.

A word about some of the Fundies (funny the word as used was meant to be derogatory like "holy rollers" used to be... but I kind of like it... It's a lot shorter than fundamentalist Christian) who go about handing out the anti LDS literature do so not out of hatred but out of love... They are completely in the dark about your religion.

This young man may be laboring in the same kind of ignorance. He may think that he is doing your daughter a kindness.

You have received some wonderful advice here and I have chimed in to add my support to the idea of wrapping your daughter in the love that I know your church is capable of delivering.

I wish you the best and suggest that you make a point of inviting the young man along occasionally. He might learn something.

I have said more than once that I would like to Pastor a church of fifths.
One fifth Pentecostals to teach how to yield to the Holy Spirit.
One fifth Baptists to teach how to study the Bible.
One fifth Black to teach how to worship and raise a joyous sound to the Lord.
One fifth Jehovah Witness to teach how to work for the Lord.
And Last but not least one fifth LDS to teach how to take care of one another.

Blessings,
Chaplain John

chaplain john, although I do not disagree with your advice to Lacy, and I do not want to engage in a major religious discussion here and hijack this lady's posting, I am curious as to why, in your "fifths", four are religions and one is a race. Frankly, I have a problem with the entire "fifths" listing, but that race one is truly bothersome to me. Why are you pulling a race into it? There are many blacks who follow the teachings of all the religions you listed. Your listing suggests you are a racist. If we get into more than a few postings about this, I will suggest we start a separate thread to discuss it. As I stated, I do not want to get off topic when this nice lady is looking for constructive advice. But what you stated bothers me tremendously.

It bothers me as well.
Why are we bringing race into this discussion.
I would love to hear what John has to say about why he grouped his groupings like this.


Lacy would also like to point out that it is important that you do not push the boy away. In doing so you might push your daughter away.

I will be honest the ones who it brothers has to be white, and never been to a black baptist or methoist or funalmentalist church.

I go to a 99 percent black church ( I am basically the only white person except on Easter or Christmas) And when we vist the white churches they look at me strange when I say AMEN to what the preacher says, or hold my hands up in prayer or get excited when I preach

I am not saying it is all black churches or all white churches, but honestly I preach in all of them and within the same denominations, there are differences in how on "averge" they do in worship.

Just making true statements about how certain ethnic groups worship is not racist, it is really just true. Not for each person, but over all it really is.

I don't see this as racism, but poor math and logic behind separating race from religion. He certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. He obviously means he would like to see all these kinds of people in his church, so that he can enjoy what he sees as a fulfilling christian community.

He more likely meant he would like a quarter of all the religions there, and a mishmash of them to be black (you can't say that there is no difference between the races in christianity, it may be slightly stereotyped but it seems to be true on the average the they celebrate more outwardly joyously, this isn't racism.).

I don't really see anythign to take offence to.

Well I believe that you are wrong Fr. Chuck.

I have been to an African American Church. I have been a number of times actually. My boyfriend all through college was an african american whose father was the pastor of a church in Yonkers NY. I spent a lot of time with their family and going to church. I can honestly say though that I never thought of them as "Black Baptists." I just thought of them as Baptists. And yes church was fun, the community feeling that I found there was outstanding.

However, in my "White Catholic" church I find the same sense of community. I think religon is religon, and race is race. When you combine the two you are stepping into murky water.

I am a long way from being a racist!

I included the black race because the black churches with whom I have had opportunity to worship, and there have been more than a few, have had a Joyful freedom to their worship that is such a wonderful thing to see and be a part of...

The black churches with whom I have experience just seem to have learned, probably through all the trials they have had, a way of putting their troubles down, getting their minds and eyes upon the Lord and worshiping him to the fullest. This, I think, is an ability that all who worship God should learn.

The statement was not meant to demean in any way.

If anyone was offended I offer my most humble and abject apologies. But as for me being a racist I take offense at that inference.

Blessings,
Chaplain John

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chaplain john

I have said more than once that I would like to Pastor a church of fifths.
One fifth Pentecostals to teach how to yield to the Holy Spirit.
One fifth Baptists to teach how to study the Bible.
One fifth Black to teach how to worship and raise a joyous sound to the Lord.
One fifth Jehovah Witness to teach how to work for the Lord.
And Last but not least one fifth LDS to teach how to take care of one another.

Blessings,
Chaplain John

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My exact thoughts Tuscany.

I am sorry Fr Chuck and Capuchin. I do not agree with your assessments. I will say that I have seen some of Chaplain John's posts and from what I have seen, he is a nice respectful man. I was truly dismayed when I saw the above. As I stated, it is not just the racial implications in this statement but this statement as a whole that I have a problem with. The racial aspect I found particularly glaring.

Fr Chuck, I understand what you are saying but what is written here suggests that Blacks do not know "how to worship or raise a joyous sound to the Lord." There are many black baptists that would vehemently disagree with this statement as Tuscany states. I know many as well. They would not take kindly to this.

I know a black Jehovah Witness that would resent someone stating that they can "teach how to work for the Lord." I know this person believes that she has been taught how to do this properly. I grew up with a white Jehovah Witness who would also be offended.

I dated a Pentecostal in my younger days and although our religious differences were what broke us up, he would be livid to read that someone wanted to teach him "how to yield to the Holy Spirit."

I suspect that Lacey would resent his implication that LDSs do not know how to take care of one another.

It is fine for Chaplain John to state that he would like a mixed and varied congregation. That is a wonderful thought. But, the way he has chosen to express himself, suggests that these people he lists do not know how to do this now. How egotistical and condescending is that?

I have more to say, but I have to sign off for a while.

P.S. I just saw your post above mine Chaplain John. I will be back.

No, Ruby, you are reading it wrongly (I believe).

He isn't saying that they need to be taught, he is saying the opposite, that they are best placed to teach these things because of their beliefs and the way they celebrate.

Yes, it is worded awkwardly, and now I see why you are worried. But it can be understood another way (I believe you are not reading it how he meant to say it)!

Wow Ruby, you totally misread what John wrote. Totally.

Try putting in where he says "to teach how to" change it to "to teach us how to". I believe this is what he meant to say. He doesn't want to teach! He wants to be taught!

I agree that all religions and good people have much to teach, and we all have much to learn. Thanks for your thoughts on my concerns. By the way PBS is presenting a documentary on the Mormons, April 30th and May 1st. See FRONTLINE + American Experience: The Mormons: Preview Site | PBS

Again I will state. Religon is religon, black, white, blue, purple or pink. Its worshipers are its worshipers. And color should not matter.

John, I don't think of you as a racist at all. But I think you are generalizing. And that is not fair. I would like to think that my "white church" can raise their voices to the lord as well as a "black church."

First, I think "casting the stone" of racism here is out of line. Second, I just love a good, black gospel singing group. They just get into it Mo Betta!

Beside each group listed is a trait, or ability that I most admire about that group. It is something that, in my experience, shows in a very large percentage of that group. My Idea would be to have members of one group or another lead the others into a greater understanding of their (for lack of a better word coming to mind) specialty.

I admire the Witnesses ability to keep on going even after the door being slammed in their face or being reviled by someone.

I admire the way Latter Day Saints encourage and help one another. I know that you don't see LDS in Welfare lines because they have their own system of support. The rest of us should have a support system built into our churches like that.

I know Baptists (lay people) who, I'm sorry to say, have a better knowledge of the Bible than I do. And I'm a minister licensed by a pretty fair sized denomination.

I'm sorry Tuscany I didn't mean to infer that all white churches didn't know how to worship because my own can get pretty loose sometimes but my experience (and I see Fr Chuck has had similar experience) has been that the preponderance of black fundamentalist and evangelical just seem to have figured out how to lay down their problems, turn to God, focus completely on him and give to him everything that is within themselves.

That is something that garners my utmost admiration.

To those of you who were able to see through my poor wording and tried to explain for me I can't thank you enough.

To those who didn't understand... If you will email or PM me I'll try to explain and then clarify my post. I welcome constructive criticism.

I never, ever mean to downgrade, belittle, or offend anyone. If I use a poor choice of words sometimes, I beg you, blame it on the fact that the gray matter that used to be in my head is leaking out my chin turning my red beard gray.

Apologies and Blessings,
Chaplain John

Chaplain John, thank you so much for explaining this. I do appreciate your taking the time. I am glad that NeedKarma, Fr Chuck, and Capuchin were able to see what I didn't. We all have our off days and sometimes don't read things the way the poster intended. I apologize for stating that "your listing suggests you are a racist" and just generally jumping all over you here. As I stated, I saw your earlier postings and you struck me as a nice and respectful man. I am glad that my original assessment was correct. Please pardon my misinterpretation of your intent.