Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.

I really disagree, while I often speak about my mother from, well somewhere hot, it has nothing to do with love, it is because of her love she acts the way she does.

I believe it is more a misunderstanding or a different way to show things then the other person wants or expects.

I may not be able to stay in the same room with my mother for more than 2 hours, but hate has nothing to do with it, it is the extreme love she has that she focus on me poorly that is the issue

Lol As a male that sounds more like my father-- and he really did not change till the plant he worked at and wanted me to work at shut down.
My little brother worked there and got the boot after 17 years -- no marketable skills.
So there I was at 45 and my dad begrudging said -- maybe you made the right dissension

I wish I could answer because then I could help my GF her mom ruined her life at first with drinking and then jealousy... calling names locking in rooms and gorunding while her sister was able to roam free... I think it comes to jealousy... and possible the relatiuonship the daughter has with the father... could your mom bejealous of that?

I don't find it a common phenomenon at all though it absolutely exists. Some of my peers (I'm a father of two) seem to base their parenting on NOT doing what their parents did to them - breaking the circle so to speak. Sometimes you have to cut out the cancer in your life and minimize contact with the ones who bring you down.

I myself have went through this with my mother. She would call me stupid or she wouldn't make a big deal over my grades in school, but she would make a big deal when my sisters would get good grades. I would have to be the one to clean, work and I was hardly ever aloud out with my friends. I would get hit all the time for reasons I am still clueless about today. I am currently 24 years old and I am doing great for myself and she continues to talk about me. Make up lies about me and just do things to break my heart. I am still loyal to her and I never do anything to hurt her. I just hold everything in and try to forgive her. I just don't understand why she is like this? I have always been a good kid no matter what. I guess I will never know.

You don't have to get a license to be a mother, and some really twisted sadistic people happen to get pregnant and bear children. It's another one of the ways in which life isn't fair, because having a mother like that is definitely a big disadvantage.

Having children does not make you a mother... that makes you able to have children

Being a mother is so much more then giving birth. Mothers are best friends, cheerleaders, caregivers, a shoulder to cry on, support, love unconditionally, mediator, rule maker and so much more.

Just because someone has a child does not mean that they are a mom... unfortuately that is the sad truth.

Tuscany, you are so right! Excellent post.

I can say for sure that there are a couple people I know that consider themselves mothers but they make their children's life miserable which does not make them a parent at all. A parent does not always put their children down, making them feel useless just for some examples.

Joe

I agree with everyone. Unfortuanantly just about any one can become a parent. There are only a few who actually deserve it and wear the honor like a badge. My parents were great and still are. They have always gone out of there way to help us out and make us feel good.
I don't know how a parent can act like that. I am a parent myself to a 19 month old boy. He is my WORLD! I don't know what I would do without him. Every little thing he does makes me proud. This will be until the day I die!

I believe some parents do hate there children. I also believe some children hate their parents. This is a terrible thing, but it does happen.
I don't have an answer for why it happens.. I wish I did.. I would write a book and get rich, but some questions just have no real answers. It is very sad.

My mom was and still is a nasty person!I am the eldest of 9, then I had a brother who she gave away for adoption then she had another 4 boys and then 3 girls.basicaly I raised them all.she would be in the pub day and night,bring that many different men home I was scared to sleep till they had gone.when she was around she beat me,locked me in my room with a bucket as a loo I used to get dragged about by my hair and one partner she had she let him beat me and my brothers daily with a belt!! thenit was like a viciuos circle when I wasn't there she would do it to the younger kids so I never went to school so I could take the beatings and not them!
Now I am 31 have had 4 children of my own,my first baby died at 3 months of cot death (even then she was a horrible mother to me) I now have a 12,10 & 8year old and I try my hardest never to treat them the way she treated me, my 12 year old keeps asking when he can make a cup of tea,but I don't want him to I want him to do the things kids his age do and not grow up doing the things I had to do.dont get me wrong they do have chores to do in the house but I just don't like them doing things that I shouild be doing.
So I think any female can be a mum but it takes someone special to be a mother!!

I was thinking abut this post all last night I just couldn't get it out of my head! maybe because it bought a lot of old feelings back?
I just can't understand how some mothers can treat their children so bad,my children mean the entire world to me, but I know what it is like to be treated so badly as a child and I also know what it is like to loose a child!! It is the worst feeling in the whole world and I didn't even have my mother to turn to at that time!! I loved my daughter with al my heart and soul and I would have died in her place! The day she died my ex-sister-in-law gave birth to twin boys,and low and behold me she neglected them little boys for nearly four years before anyone did anything about it!!
So how anyone can say that a mother wouldn't ruin a child's life is TOTALLY wrong because these sick people do exsist out there which is very sad :(

On a lighter note I found this poem for all te wonderful and caring mothers in the world...

Super Mom
Mom, you're a wonderful mother,
So gentle, yet so strong.
The many ways you show you care
Always make me feel I belong.
You're patient when I'm foolish;
You give guidance when I ask;
It seems you can do most anything;
You're the master of every task.
You're a dependable source of comfort;
You're my cushion when I fall.
You help in times of trouble;
You support me whenever I call.
I love you more than I can express;
You have my total respect.
If I had my choice of mothers,
You'd be the one I'd select!

THIS IS FROM A MOM. I am going to assume that at least some of the other posts are from MEN, i.e. NOT MOMS.

First off, I do not have a specific answer as to the sabotage or mean spirited words Angela says came from a mom.

But, I can say this: even MOMS are people. And, oddly enough, I think nearly all of the above posters seemed to forget that... I THINK YOU NEED TO WALK A FEW STEPS IN A MOM's SHOES TO UNDERSTAND HER AND SEE HER FOR WHAT SHE'S DOING AND LOVE HER ANYWAY.

Let me try to explain. You get pregnant let's say it's joyfully on purpose. You are thrilled, you love the baby even before it's a few cells. Everyone around you is SO HAPPY for you. You enjoy 9 months of this attention from others--special parking spaces included. You feel good taking care of yourself--eating well, taking vitamins, seeing our doctor... because you have the increased importance of taking care of now your baby, too. Then whamo, you give birth (not fun, but we Moms all get through it somehow) and, like I said to my husband when my 1st was born--now we're parents, now what do we do? Your life as you knew it before baby is suddenly changed. You will never again be just YOU. You will be MOM. --For years, in fact, your child won't even know you HAVE another name... And it begins this way: first everyone comes NOT to see MOM but the BABY. I think even in our age of equality of the sexes, MOM is still primary care giver. Mom is always WITH the baby, but suddenly no one notices MOM (like that commercial on TV about the 'invisible Mom feeling') they all come to see and ooh and ahh over the baby. Relatives who once loved MOM now are eager to get cards and letters and complain if there are no pictures of the BABY/young child. (It wouldn't matter if it included recent photo of Mom sky diving, they don't care, they want to see the baby!) For the most part, Moms accept this. They LOVE their babies and probably DO take tons of pictures. They love to just LOOK at their babies, smell their babies, hold their babies. Mom still carefully watches what baby eats, but when MOM is up all night and been pooped on, burped on, cried at for hours she maybe hasn't had a shower in days and eats leftovers from the meal she missed when baby was crying and only Mom could soothe. In toddlerhood it progresses to Mom is ultimate radar detector for baby hazards--she sees knives left on tables, small choke hazards on the floors, poisons in low cupboards. She seeks to protect this offspring that was once inside her, just as her hands once instinctively jumped to her pregnant belly to protect when baby was in there. It probably continues like this for many years until the children are quite grown/independent. Along the way, MOM is still a person. We all have good times/bad times. I suspect the Moms who fail to re-find themselves post-baby or who suffer the only-Moms-know real physical problems of having children: sexual satisfaction changes, adjustments from internal organs being shoved around during pregnancy, cystoceles, rectoceles, uterine prolapses, bladder incontinence, breast changes from nursing, C-section scars, completely body-altering things that oft times women are afraid to speak to doctors about, even husbands about, even other women about. They never give time to taking care of themselves because the children demand at least half their daily waking hours many days. (I call it kids gluing themselves to Mommy's butt) At which point suddenly you are asking a person who has given many years of attention to this little person (effectively subdivided MOM herself as a person among herself and each of her kids) to not be traumatized herself by all this subdivision and invisibleness. Even the best MOMS struggle with this. I dearly LOVE my kids. My own mother I hated until she got Alzheimer's and I became one of her caregivers. I look back now and realize her getting Alzheimer's TAUGHT ME how to be a Mom before I had my kids. My own MOM couldn't have taught me, because she was a mean spirited seemingly hateful Mom. She hated my Dad and told us kids she did. She spent most of my life telling me I should never have kids--that having kids had ruined her life. I found my own path to walk and I chose one directly opposite my Mom's. I would put right with my kids what had once went wrong in my childhood. Yet when she died I took time to write a eulogy because in BEING a Mom myself I had grown to understand MY MOM. Late in life she had a prolapsed uterus repaired. I've had one of my own that I suffered from torturously, embarrassingly, silently until I knew what it was. My own Mom wasn't as well educated as I am, couldn't Google something on the internet to figure it out, didn't have daytime talk shows addressing it. When I had my problems wrapped up inside my head I have yelled at my kids. I've been heck to live with. I've had days when I thought I would just go mad when reality hit me that I couldn't just stop at a quicky-mart for a quicky snack while driving because first I had to stop and unstrap 2 kids from complicated carseats, drag them--sometimes whining--into the store, take one or both to the potty as soon as we get in there, and then get my snack only to have to share it with 2 little moochers who then leave crumbs all over the back seat that I have to clean up. (Ever see a Mom devour an entire chocolate cake in secret? This is WHY!) We spend our lives giving bites to our kids, letting them sit on our laps, jumping every time we hear them cry for real, trying to figure out which way to go first if 2 kids cry from 2 different directions, waking as soon as they wake, not necessarily when the alarm goes off. MOM is a high-stress job. Find out if bomb techs and firefighters don't have bad habits/more prevalence toward mean/sharp behavior with their kids.

Put it this way: take your very best friend in the whole wide world. Let's say he moves in with you and gives you one giant kick in the crotch that forever changes what you feel during sex. He never apologizes but you love him and forgive him anyway. Let's say for 6 years he gets all the attention from everybody over you. During that time YOU teach him everything he knows. And you respond to his every need--including wiping his butt and spooning food into his mouth. Then have him suddenly leave you and get a new job with lots of new friends, including new best friends. Then eventually have a time or 2 where he does something better than you can do it. And add a time or 2 where he tells you he hates you (I bet every kid on earth had said this once or twice to Mom) HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD REACT? Unless you're a saint, you might feel some resentment, might feel shortchanged, might feel like a fool for giving him so much of your life, but you still love him deeply.

I don't think it's the quality of the person becoming a parent, I think it's your level of understanding/empathizing with the person who is your parent and/or their own ability to adapt to their life situations.

I think Angela and all her adult friends need to take a long hard look at their childhoods, NOTICE the sacrifices--big and small--their Moms have made, and go tell their Moms just how truly thankful they are. Or when Mom says, 'so what you're making good grades,' you turn around and say, 'I guess you raised me to be a smart kid, mom.' And then follow it up with noticing something that their MOM has done in life and complimenting it.

So much of what Moms do goes totally unnoticed but is carrried silently within a Mom's heart to her death. Her reward is in heaven. Eeven if YOU didn't notice, I bet God did...

As I just said abouve I didn't say all mums were bad and I do pray to god that there are a lot more good than bad!
But when I was growing up I was a mother to my 4 brothers never allowed to go to school as I had the kids to look after,I had to cook,clean,change dirty nappies at 7/8.I was 14when my sister came along and I overheard people in the shops saying I was a dirty little tart having a baby at such a young age!! :mad: I tried to make my point that she is my sister but they didn't want to believe it,then when she was 17months old another sister came along oh and once again people thought she was mine and to totally top it all off my mum got pregnant AGAIN but this time I alo got pregnant when she was 5months gone.
I was so happy to have a baby of my own but when I told her I was pregnant she said I'm glad your pleased get rid of it you've got these kids to look after!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:
As you can see this is a very touchy subject to me as my mum did make my life a misery and I don't think iwill ever forgive her for it :eek:

People are people and there are all kinds. What's that old saying.. we can pick our friends but not our relatives?

Some people are so damaged that their love is toxic. I wouldn't even call it love but for the sake of being graceful about it I am. And sadly, damaged people raise damaged kids who in turn raise damaged kids. Well, its not exactly that simple since there are lots of exceptions in the mix and toxic is a term of relativity too. And they don't even know they are doing it -- its called DENIAL. But it is possible to break the chain, as NeedKarma suggests, sometimes on your own and other times with professional help.

I come from an incredibly damaged family, who also came from incredibly damaged families and who likely came from damaged families. I was not willing to settle for that so I sought help for myself. If people in my culture were as interested about their mental hygiene as they are about who the father of Anna Nicole's baby is, a lot of this would begin to change. Sadly, I see what I call the thousand nameless mental illnesses spreading over time here so that it is indeed more and more common. Part of the reason I am here posting in the forums I am is to try and stem that tide a bit. Sick parents are a burden, whether its physical or emotional. As adults, it is our job to rise to that occasion and seek what help is necessary for us to do just that.

When you point a finger at MOM please realize there are 3 other fingers pointing back at YOU. Especially those who mention dysfunctional family following dysfunctional family ad nauseum. You can never change your mothers. YOU CAN, however, change YOU and your attittude. (I recall a co-worker of mine whom I absolutely dispised. I thought when he was hired he was a bad fit for his job. He had flat feet and every time I heard him walk down the hall past my office that flip flop of his feet was like fingernails on a chalkboard for me. I couldn' stand knowing he was around. Then, as time went on, he wnet beyond his own job duties because his interests/skills lay elsewhere and he solved some of the major problems I was having in my department and he took over some of the duties that I myself hated and he in fact enjoyed those same duties. I suddenly started to like this fellow. And one day I noticed that I didn't even HEAR his feet go by my office anymore. When my attitude towards him changed, I found my whole tolerance for him changed.) SEE YOUR MOMS FOR WHO THEY REALLY ARE. LOOK INSIDE TO HER CONFLICTS/STRUGGLES. EMPATHIZE (or help, if you can and you will create a NEW family dynamic that you might be more proud of instead of coming to a chat board and b---hing about your moms.

As far as dysfunctional following another, there is absoluitley no excuse today. (I'll not address those families where illegal drugs are the problems, as I have no experience there and feel handling reality is hard enough--drug-created realities are another story... ) But there is no excuse today to not fix a LOT of your family problems all by yourself: Not when I can't pick up a remote and not see some Nanny show on TV giving parents the actual specific solutions to their parenting skills. Not when Dr. Phil and TONS like him are all over the airwaves helping you solve your personal problems. You know when those kids shot up Columbine HS? I am in NO WAY justfying what they did, but if you'll remember it was a severe wake-up call to see how kids who are bullied/picked on/laughed at at school can take only SO MUCH and eventually explode. I see it everywhere in movies and TV this life lesson being taught: my kids watch a Land Before Time cartoon dinosaur movie and see a 'bully' dinosaur who picks on Littlefoot and his friends and makes their lives a sheer hell but then they come to see that the bully has a Dad who picks on him the same way and they decide rather than run from the bully and hate him they will show him love and compassion for his situation and Voilà! The bully softens/changes/learns that if he is hurting it isn't going to help for him to retaliate and hurt others. He has to speak up to his Dad and tell him what he's doing, tell him how it makes him feel, and tell him what he wants/needs him to do to make it better. This is what I teach my kids probably on a several-times-a-day basis. But there are TONS of adults in today's society that need to learn this same lesson. I came frm a HUGEly dysfunctional family. But that's NO EXCUSE for ME to be dysfunctional. You aren't victims of Mom's behavior unless you decide to be. And I'll maintain that I bet Mom is feeling a lot of frustration/hurt/anger that nobody is caring one diddly about that is fueling her reaction to you and her outloook on life/the world. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

To Wallabee:

Apparently you missed me saying this...

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

I was not willing to settle for that so I sought help for myself. Sick parents are a burden, whether its physical or emotional. As adults, it is our job to rise to that occasion and seek what help is necessary for us to do just that.

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I love my family. Getting healthy for me definitely required intense self examination and also changed the dynamics of my family too. One person getting well in a dysfunctional system does not always have the happy ending you suggest though. You were fortunate it was well received. Some are not so lucky. That isn't an excuse, its just reality for some people. I understand the limitations of my family now and I work to keep the peace. And in no way do I subscribe to the "dump on mom/dad -- make excuses" thinking so hopefully you can see that was a misunderstanding about me.

There is no overlooking though that really destructive stuff (not just addictions but other stuff too) it gets handed down, virtually unchecked sometimes, through the generations - studies have that well documented. I am not saying that excuses it, only that is HOW it continues to occur. I hear you that too many people use it as an excuse. I TOTALLY agree with you that is not fair, right or even adult behavior. I hope this clears it up for you. (My name is Val and you can feel free to use it whenever you want to address things to me too) :)

The point of my post was to answer the question why do mothers hate their children with an answer that bascially said they don't mean to, they may not realise what they are doing and how that happens takes a big picture viewpoint to fully understand it. I was not siding with anyone.

I have seen some severe negativity from a mother that works right next to me at my postal job. She is angry with her teen son everyday and is always seeking sympathy for her situation. As a mother myself, I honestly do not understand her beefs. She is angry because her son's car has costly repairs. She is angry because he only has a B average and therefore states she will not pay for college. She is angry because he is chosing sports over a job. She is just plain angry and I am sure the boy knows there is more going on than normal parental concerns.

She is a single parent, and I understand there are concerns. Honestly though, if you aren't willing to cut off your right arm for your children... don't have them. I even heard this particular mother state that her parents love her a lot more than her son. How ridiculous. There are obvious mental problems here.

For children of mental cases such as this, please seek help. This way you can learn how to deal with the lack of love and maybe come to an understanding and find a way to bridge your gaps. Everybody needs a parent, but some people will just have to learn to be their own parents and even go so far as to learn to parent their own mothers and fathers. Sorry. But that may be the only sane answer... that and prayer. Blessings.

To Val:
I'm sorry. My post was NOT directed specifically at YOUR post. It was just generally directed to the theme of several of the previous posts. Yes, I did read what you'd written.

Val, I am so sorry for what you have endured. You have turned out quite well and have a wonderful attitude.

I went to counselling for my mother's problems, myself. She and her brother and sister were never nurtured and the three of them ended up with disorders. My aunt had severe paranoid schiztophernia, my uncle has been battling manic depression and until recently I didn't know what was wrong with my mother. She has neer been protective and sees the world as a threatening place. She has played the victim, whist she has victimized.

I talked to my doctor about her behavior after I saw her ,and those like her , described online. I specifically asked my doctor if she could be afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. He said he cannot diagnose her without her being there, but her behavior sounds classic.

I bought a book,Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. It described Borderlines as "a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image, and affects, and marked impusivity".The emtional state of the Bordreline borders between psychosis and neurosis, particularly when faced with abandonment and rejection. In essence, the mother toys with the child's emotional state, sometimes masked with a smile. In the process of the mother seeking affirmation , the child is under attack with much emotional abuse. This is sometimes done with a smile, to further confuse the young child.The mother cannot see her fault as her illness makes her blind to the damage she is doing.

It really helped me empathize with my mom. She didn't protect me because she wasn't protected. She was selfish because she was made to never feel important by HER mother.She makes me feel the bad child because she is feeling bad and wants be to NEED her love which she will only give when it suits.

This affliction is rarely fixed by counselling maybe because the Borderline cannot see their behavior and see themselves so much as the victim. Because of my newfound understanding, I now mother my mother. It works for us. I never look to her to understand me, but I always try to give her understanding. I affirm my worth to myself,as I now take on the role of my OWN mother to me. I also tell my son that he is always welcome to tell me if I am on the wrong path as I will gladly fix any parental mistakes for him,(something my mother cannot do), as I love him dearly and am thankfully well.

I cannot get angry at other children for their anger at their parents. They may have not gotten counselling or may be victims of Borderlines. A lot of Borderlines breed Borderlines, Which as I stated before, are difficult if not impossible to treat. I am fortunate. I cannot use my good fortune against those that cannot cope and therefore cannot judge others on their reactions to bad parenting.

I do get angry when I see bad parenting in the making, as I have so much empathy for the true victims... the children in the homes. My earlier post, was about a coworker that regularly berates her son. I do believe she is a Borderline, as she will not listen to reason and is not willing to change even though I have tried every way I can think of to cajole her out of her anger and funk, especially since it is directed at her son. She is such the victim that she cannot see how she victimizes. Sooo sad. I now pray for the son. I hope he one day receives counselling as I believe the lack of love and understanding is screaming for it.

Blessings to you, a fellow victim. Thank God we have seen into the matters and have turned it around. Love will find a way.

I agree with everyone and my parent make me sad I am 16 years old my all friends go to evrywhere alone but I can't if I will go with them my mother or my sisters will come with me .I asked them one day why do you do this for me don't u trust me they told me that no we do but you are still small and you don't know what your doing ,also I didn't go to my friend house even one time .I donno what's happening with me but I hope that someone will help me and tell me a way to tell them so that they will live me alone

Thank you Sexy for such an illuminating post. I (and I bet a few others) have a sense of not being so alone here (on this site) as people who understand both sides of things like this. My repeat message here is that almost everything we encounter that is damaging is also recoverable from.. but healing does take work. I am impressed by yours too.

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Originally Posted by sexybeasty

Blessings to you, a fellow victim. Thank God we have seen into the matters and have turned it around. Love will find a way.

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Semantics, LOL I know but I dare say you, me and countless others here aren't so much victims anymore but survivors having experienced the grace of healing love as we have.

PS - Louna honey, when you need help, it works better if you start your own thread about it just like you did about that boy, okay?

You are very right val, I am a victim no more but a survisor. I am even taking care of my mommy today, as she is an invalid and I want to help her and my dad on my day off. I love them both sooo much and just see my mommy as another one of my children.

In working with families I see so many different styles and also things they have gone through in their life. I think this is one of those questions that is very hard to answer as parents are human and we expect a lot of them, just like we expect of people in other professions, teacher, doctors, social workers, etc. In my experience I think parents aren't taught to be parents and we do expect the best out of them. What I have learned from my own loss that I know every parent wants to be a good parent to their child. Some don't handle that role well due to their own experiences.

Teaching, I mostly agree with what you stated with the exception of "every parent wants to be a good parent to their child." I think that is mostly true, but certainly isn't true for the whole. There are parents out there who are completely abusive and I don't think being a good parent is necessarily a priority. There may be some mental illness but in rare cases, there can be just meanness that cannot be explained.

I do believe, however, that my mother did the best that she could under her circumstances. She was not loved and not nurtured by her mother and therefore, she and her brother and sister suffered and in turn, their children did, too.

I love my mother deeply and have found a way to bridge the gap. She, at seventy, is being babied by me. She thrives on this and it makes me feel good that I am giving her something she desperately needs. I cannot expect her to ever grow up. I accept that.

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Originally Posted by Angela_A

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.

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I just posted a question concerning my mom and I. I feel she would rather see me dead. Im 53 and ever sinc3e I can remember she never said I love you never gave me anything close to a hug. Recently, I went into surgury and thought it was a dream when I was recovering in the recovery room I woke up and my Mom was sitting there looking at me. When all of sudden I couldn't breathe I say Mom call the Dr Im feeling allover for the button thing to press myself and I keep saying Mom call the Dr I can't breathe. Finally, I ready to passout and say you ing call the Dr I going to die and nothing just staring at me. Then I pass out. Actually, is something that happened to me in the hospital, but I wasn't sure if my mom was there. I'd hope that I was dreaming but didn't know how to find out. I asked my Dr was my mom there and he said it was a good thing she was because I stopped breathing and had to be resusated. A month later I went to the hospital to get the nurses notes of what happened when and 50 or so pages I still couldn't say yes or no. However: now 2years later my Mom and I were taking shots at each other and I said why didn't you call the Dr for me and she says you were so out of it you didn't know what was going on. I repeated why didn't you get someone I couldn't breathe she answers
Steven they knew you were taking pills there. OK I may be a pain pill addict but after surgey I went into rehab. My thinking now which I keep denying really happened is just that she was there and waited and waited while I was not able to breathe and then after I passout she told someone , maybe she waited till she thought I was dead! Upon re reading other answers Im sorry for writing this account of mine. Really Im sorry

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Angela_A

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.

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As a teen who feels like my mom left cause she hates me and my sibblings I would always have questions. On why she will do such a thinng? I need help how would I go to her and ask her why did she do what she did?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Angela_A

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.

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Listen honey I am only 22 and waching my mom she don't hate us just because you is a singale mom don't mean that you got to be haten on the other mom so shut up and find yourself a man!

Mothers isn't haten they children all right so just shut up yea some people do but stop jugding them will you like if I judged you so stop!:mad:

Do you hate your kids No so that's how the other mothers feel

I have never known a mother to be like this. Most mothers want nothing but the best for their kids, maybe sometimes intentions are a little misguided, but hate? No I doubt it.

Growing up, my father is the one who destroyed me. He said that I wouldn't amount to anything and that he wish he had a son. He'd yell and call me name's and if I cried I was yelled at more. On the other had, my mother has always had a metnal problem. She never had the time to teach me things, to help me. To talk to me. So I think it's more or less, parent's who don't have time to parent and parent's who are mentally unstable should BY LAW not be able to have children. I have depression and stress and will forever due to the thing's I dealed with as a child. I think any parent not able to support their child mentally and physically need to not be parent's.

I don't agree with that one. My partner has severe mental health problems, but that doesn't stop him from being a damn good father to his kids (his five and my two also!) To say anyone mentally unstable shouldn't have kids isn't fair. Not all nutters are incapable of being good parents!

I'm talking mentally at age 10 or something. My dad is mentally 10 his doc said. My mother has Pick's and all her life has been selfish and out of tune with the world. So parent's like that shouldn't have kids. If it disable's you from parenting there is a problem. But also some mentally unstable parent's can't parent, because they may hurt there kid or scar them for life trust me I know. My dad scared me and so did my mom.

This is going to be a long and rambling post, so, apologies!

I'm not a mother, but I am the child of a mother who hates me. I know someone is going to jump on this and say "you dont know the sacrifices she made" etc, but trust me, she made as few as she could. Especially if she could get other people to make those sacrifices instead.

Frankly, she should never have had kids. Or had an abortion when she fell pregnant (at least with me). It would have been better for everyone. I don't say this to be dramatic, it's simply the way things are.

My mother has always resented and disliked myself and my siblings. She gave birth to us, and kept a roof over our heads most of the time, but she never loved us.

My parents divorced when I was two or three, and she did her very best to persuade us that our father didn't love us, and that his new wife didn't want us around either, and admittedly, when he was supposed to take us to his place every other weekend, he often didn't bother and would ring at the last minute to say he wasn't coming to fetch us. She told us that we were an unwelcome intrusion into their lives. She told us all the time that she was the only person who would ever be there for me (not that she was), because I were worthless and unlovable.
Dad never actively disliked us, even if he wasn't there for us most of the time.. My mother did however.

She was always very honest about it, I have to give her that. She never tried to hide that she didn't like, me, and in fact has repeatedly said for as long as I remember, that she hates me and wishes I was never born. "You ruined my life" is one of the more common refrains.

She used to ignore us when we were little, and left us to our own devices. She would stay in bed all day then either go out and party all night, or have parties at our house (which was really my grandfather- her fathers) which were generally all night affairs, involving a lot of alcohol and various drugs and frankly dodgy guests. We lived in the country a long way from neighbours, so the music would be pumped up as loud as the stereo could handle. For a long time, I couldn't sleep without music playing as a consequence, I was so used to the sound. Oddly enough, my happiest memories are of that time- The house was always full of people, and I played with my uncle's friends who were only really sixteen to eighteen years of age themselves- little more than kids themselves.

In school she told me that my friends were not really my friends, that they were nasty to me behind my back and that she was the only ally I would ever have. Perhaps they did occasionally turn on me, that's just playground politics, but I became hopelessly shy, and ended up letting other children treat me badly and not defend myself because I was convinced that I deserved no better. I was a smart kid, and a teacher suggested putting me in an accellerated learning programme, which meant I would have skipped ahead a few years, where I would have been more challenged my my lessons (which I wasn't in my age group) but Mum refused it, even when another family member offered to pay for any extra tuition and buy my text books. When I became involved in the local theatre's drama school, it was a school friend's mother who paid for the first semester's study, and after that, when I wanted to continue it, I was again, not allowed. I ended up coming to an arrangement with the owner of the theatre, whereby I would assist in the special-needs group instead of paying for lessons. That suited my mother fine, because she was what she called a 'recreation officer' for disability services in the region, and she could make a big deal about how good she was at putting me to socially responsible after school work, even though she had nothing to do with the arrangement.

It sounds childish, but we never had any possessions of our own. Everything we had we were made to share with any stranger who mum happened to have in the house, and often she gave our toys and things away to friends children, saying that we didn't mind. Of course, we did, but we didn't have a choice. Even out clothes were given away. Our house was shared with several families, and the few things we kids had were considered fair game for anyone who wanted it. Even my kitten, (given to me by a friend of my grandmother's) was considered a toy that had to be shared- one of the other families' children tried to drown it, and I was still expected to let that child take her, even if I was patting or cuddling her, after they had harmed her. It was made clear that myself and my siblings owned nothing, and everything we had could be taken away from us.

It's not just myself and my siblings that she manipulates.

(cont next post)

(cont from prev post)

... She also gathered up for herself legal power of attourney (and convinced them to let her organise their wills) over some of her family members, including her younger brother (who has property) and her mother (who owns her own home, has a little money and whom I live with). And a few years ago, she tried to get power of attourney over her sister (who co-incidentally, is rather wealthy), while she was close to death in hospital, and when her sister refused, she told her sister's stalker ex-boyfriend where she was and told him he was allowed to see her in hospital- which he was certainly not welcome to do. When her younger brother, my uncle, told her he was going to change his will, and out of the blue asked me to act as trustee for a family trust he wanted to set up (which was probably only a whim) , she decided I had been trying to turn him against her and then set about turning him against me, and openly telling me about it. I didn't bother rising to it, but she did succeed to a point, (which wasn't hard really because he is paranoid through a combination of brain damage, mental illness and habitual drug use) but he realised it was happening. She did already bully him into dropping the scheme, as she threatened to use her power of attourney to take more control over his finances, and make him come to her for an allowance which she could give or withhold as she wished.

At one point, when I was thirteen or fourteen, she had a boyfriend who I disliked extremely. He used to try and kiss me, and several times pinned me down on the couch and stuck his tongue in my ear and generally molested me- I would run away and was physically ill whenever he was around. When I told my mother, she accused me of lying and said I was just trying to break them up. Because I was jealous of her.
I used to make sure my little sister, who was much younger than me was never left alone in a room with him, because I couldn't bear the idea of something happening to her as well.

She is an alcoholic who refuses to acknowledge it, and insists that she only has a couple of glasses of wine a night, when in actual fact she usually drinks two or three bottles. Invariably, she gets drink and verbally abusive, or worse, if there are people around (for example, at a party) she gets drunk and then wails, moans and cries to get attention, and fawning on anyone male, including my the boyfriends of my sister and myself- if we have them at the time. When she gets fall-down drunk like that, it is incredibly embarrasing- not just for us, her kids, but for our friends, who generally make their excuses and leave.
I've had to put her to bed drunk, ever since I was a kid. Even now, I still sometimes have to, and I don't even live with her!

Her last boyfriend (who was a stereotypical pill-popping raver) introduced her to various pills and powders which she took up with enthusiam, so that he'd like her and think she was cool and with it.

She is a liar and thief (who possibly doesn't even realise she is), who tries to con money out of my siblings and I, and even tried to make me 'pay her back' for my schooling, which in fact, she had never paid for in the first place- she never does anything for anybody unless there is something in it for her, and she has always made a profit by taking advantage of government welfare payments as a sole parent, most of which was promptly spent on alcohol, or treats for herself, while neglecting to get anything but the very cheapest bare essentials for us. She even used to keep separate loaves of bread- the old stuff the baker sold in garbage bags meant for chicken feed for a dollar for us, and more expensive gourmet style loaves for herself. All hell broke loose if we ever cut from the wrong loaf. I think she actually measured the bread to make sure it hadn't been used by us!

She always made my chronically asthmatic brother stand out in the cold and damp outside at night when he suffered attacks, which invariably worsened them to the point where he required hospitalisation, and often wouldn't buy him his medication, saying it cost too much, and it was all in his head. Several times, he was expected to die in hospital, and and it is only due to the efforts of dedicated doctors and nurses that he is alive today. After getting home, she usually would yell at him for making her drive to the hospital.

She has always been promiscuous, and this has led to the only relationship she had with a truly decent man breaking down, although she has always blamed us, her children, and in particular, me, for the failed relationship. In spite of him telling her exactly *why* he was breaking up with her. At one point, she had a hysterectomy so she could not fall pregnant again (shortly after the birth of my sister) and told me (I was maybe eight at the time) that it was because Dad had given her cervical cancer.

She was convinced I was a slut, even though I had never had a boyfriend (and had never had one until I was 22). When I was fifteen, a boy who was a friend of the family, who's entire family happened to be living with ours asked me out and I declined (because that would be like dating your brother... just weird!) but he told some of his friends I slept with him, and Mum believed it, and screamed at me, then broke off her friendship with the boy's mother, who also believed it and told me I was a slut. I told them it was untrue, but even to this day, she doesn't believe it.

I moved out of home at sixteen, or rather, I was packed off to live with my grandmother (who I've lived on and off with ever since) after mentally collapsing under the pressure of years of mental and physical abuse at the hands of my uncle (who is a mean drunk) and mother, and then found out that not everyone lives that way. Not all parents treat their children as servants or scapegoats. In fact, I've never met anyone who's mother was anything like ours! If I hadn't gone to live with my grandmother, I would have killed myself long ago. Ever since then, she has not bothered to make contact with me unless she wants something. I see her quite regularly as she sees my grandmother (who I'm living with again- gosh I love my Narnie it's my grandmother's pet name) every week as they play cards, and once a fortnight it is at our house.

Unfortunately, my mother took psychology classes, and uses the knowledge she gained in it specifically to manipulate others, particularly us, her children. It makes it incredibly hard to work out why she hates us, because she knows exactly how to play people and always gives the impression to others when meeting them that she is a dedicated, loving and self sacrificing touchy-feely mother. At the same time, she tries to set myself and my siblings against each other, but it never works, because we are very close- having really just raised ourselves. When I was diagnosed as having major depressive disorder, and borderline bi-polar, she was furious at the doctors who diagnosed it, saying they should have their licences to practise revoked, and that she was going to complain- she actually wanted them to lose their jobs! She pressured me to tell her their names and practises, which I naturally refused (they shouldn't have to suffer because of her) because I wasn't allowed to be depressed, if you can believe it. It might make her look like a bad mother after she had spent a long time fostering her caring image, as far as the rest of the world was concerned (although there are plenty of people who saw through that).

She recently became engaged to a man (who is very nice, but suffers from sever trauma from his time in the vietnam war) and now does everything she can when he's around to give that motherly impression, but as soon as he leaves the room, the act is dropped. Recently, my grandmother has been quite ill, and has had major surgery, and my mother had begun telling people that I only live with my grandmother because I'm trying to get my hands on her money when she dies. It's horrifying. I know that my friends don't believe her, but her new fiancé does, and so do her friends. My uncle and brother recently told me that she is also trying to turn my grandmother against me, by telling her repeatedly that I don't like her, and that I'm taking advantage of her by living here (apparently she doesn't understand the concept of rent/board arrangements), that I'm not paying the rent, and that I'm only after her money. So far the only success she's had was getting Narnie to complain about lack of rent paid, which stopped once I showed her my bank statement which showed the money transfers that I've been making into her account.

I turned twenty five a few days ago, and I still try to get past all this mental rubbish, but I just can't seem able to. I'm far too broke for a shrink. My few personal relationships have failed because I don't display emotion and affection well and come off as very cold. I have practically no self esteem (which I am fully aware of), and dislike sex, mostly because the whole issue makes me feel so very vulnerable that it's frightening- even though I know that none of this "no-one could ever love you, you are so worthless" stuff is really true, I can't help but believe, deep down that it is. I am an empty shell of a person. I have no tolerance for hysterics or emotional displays, and I don't trust anyone or share what I feel. There have been several times when the only thing keeping me from killing myself is that she would use it to fuel her martyr routine, and use it to manipulate my siblings and grandmother. And I don't ever want to have children myself, in case I am no better as a parent.

If you don't have what it takes to put a child first in your life, don't become a parent, because if you are a parent, you are going to have to do that at least once.

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Originally Posted by marie62922

I myself have went through this with my mother. She would call me stupid or she wouldn't make a big deal over my grades in school, but she would make a big deal when my sisters would get good grades. I would have to be the one to clean, work and I was hardly ever aloud out with my friends. I would get hit all the time for reasons I am still clueless about today. I am currently 24 years old and I am doing great for myself and she continues to talk about me. Make up lies about me and just do things to break my heart. I am still loyal to her and I never do anything to hurt her. I just hold everything in and try to forgive her. I just don't understand why she is like this? I have always been a good kid no matter what. I guess I will never know.

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Dear marie,

I am twice your age and have lived your nightmare . After all these years I still .cannot do anything to please my mom, who now is 82. My suggestion to you would be get a nice lady therapist and move on like your doing, it is not worth spending a lifetime trying to get the love you will never get. I'm 56 and my mom can make me feel like a worthless child in about 30 seconds being in the room with her. Don't suffer like I did, distance yourself from her for your own sanity and young life to live.

Its possible, but hate is a strong word and those mothers sometimes have Munchausen syndrome or another psychological disease which may cause the mother to THINK she hates her child, but it isn't necessarily true that she does.

That being said, I came from an abusive/neglective household, so I can empathize with your feelings. My mother sometimes claimed to "hate" me but when I'd try and break ties, she'd run back. I think lots of mom's have trouble with their kids growing up, possibly "outshining" them with their successes, etc. Mine still makes horrible comments because I put myself through college, yet she thinks it was a waste. Personally, I think its selfish thinking because she regrets not doing the same. I think she percieves me as not needing her anymore, so does hurtful things to make me realize she still has power over me. Mothers can be weird.

Anyway, those types of mom's have serious problems that need professional help. Its never the child's fault when a parent is abusive or hateful. Adult children are still adults though, so its important to respect parents who sometimes feel like that's been lost. Rise above it!