Ask Me Help Desk - Toddler same sex questions

My 4 yr old son goes to pre-school and seems to always talk about his best friend Anthony. One day I picked him up from school and told me that Anthony likes to hold his hand because they love each other. The next day he tells me that he only loves boys and not girls. On several occasions he has asked me are boys only supposed to loves girls and not boys. Should I be concerned. My husband has two other sons from a previous marriage and one of them is gay so I'm a little worried.

Hi.

Why would you be worried if your son is gay?
Are you religious or something?

If it were me I would let him be. He's growing for cripes sake. If he were gay wouldn't you want him to be open with you about it then to live with a secret for years and be inflicted and in a lot of emotional pain?

What do you want a happy child or one that is trying so hard to please his parents and hide the fact that he's gay that it hurts him?

I'd take the happy child. Gay or not you should love him either way.

Besides he's only 4! If he were touching his friends penis then that's something to worry about because he's not of age to be doing that.

Seriously lady, don't try to change him. Let him be who he is.

Sarah

Well, most boys start talking about girls very young... at least from my observation of two nephews and my girlfriends children. I also remember being picked on by boys (like us all) because they liked me... only that they where more aggressively physical, for example tackling, tugging the hair and chasing around the school yard at recess and stuff like that.

Being 4 years old, I wouldn't take too much into holding hands and expressing emotions to their friends... children don't really know what love or like are... or the difference too much (each child is different) but the second part about "boys are suppose to like girls but I love my friend" kind of alarms me. Most little boys like other little boys because they have more to relate to... which is fine... could it be possible that your son is picking up this behavior from your husbands other child? Could the child just be confused? Children do experience sexuality by asking questions and learning more about their privates (like going to the potty and bath times (pretty normal stuff... my daughter even talks about not having boobies but that mommy has big ones) sexuality topics do start young (and seemingly, unfortunately younger and younger these days)).

I would try to talk to your son about his feelings but not to discourage him in anyway... make him ashamed or anything like that. This could be a stage and he could grow out of it. There are so many gay's and lesbians... just as there are straight people. Ultimately your child will choose their right to sexuality later in life and there really isn't much you can do about it to prevent it... it could be psychological or just in the genetic makeup. It doesn't make you love your son any less... as you know with your husbands child, just talk, be supportive and try to answer his questions appropriately (as you are). I wouldn't discourage him... he seems to know that something is different about himself in relation to other boys and girls.

You are not alone and here are some websites I found in relation to child being gay and how you can understand them... I know you went through this with your husbands children from his previous marriage but anything helps:

Resources for Parents of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered Youth

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_d...d=10119&cn=461
(Children Sexuality - Parenting from Youth 3 Years Up)

I hope that helps... I know I probably would be shunned if I said this but I really don't want my child or children to be gay, lesbian or bisexual - my husband and I would be ballistic at first (we are Catholic)... I want grandchildren and a normal family life like the one I grew up in (though now there really isn't a norm and we all have to change our perception because everyone is entitled to live their lives the way they want to (religious, cultural, sexual... etc) it's mutual respect). Example, someone might not agree with the way I live my life either right? So visa versa... the more you educate yourself; the more prepared you will be to answer and assist in child development. You can't force anyone to do anything and so be it! Your relationship with your child (no matter what they decide) is most important, their fragile and will need support. Happiness first. Continue building a loving relationship... I would read up on it to find ways and support for you to find the proper ways of dealing with these type of questions... since your straight it isn't something you understand (me either) but make an effort to; you don't want a troubled child to adult relationship.

It would seem to me that your son seems very confident and secure.. well done you...

He is expressing his affection for his friend,the only way he knows how,he learned how to express himself from what he sees at home and how he is loved... again,well done you...

I would not worry about the future yet,he's four,plenty of time to worry ahead.

And as mudweiser said,a happy healthy child who can express themselves is a sign of really good parenting.

I truly feel for your son, if he is gay you would turn your back to him because of your religion.

And how dare you be so selfish, you want granchildren. Did you know gay people can have children too? I bet you didn't. There are MANY options: adoption, having a woman have his baby so him and his partner could have a child.

I am a mother. I have a child. If my child was gay I would be happy that she told me because it'd prove to me that I'm not a parent to be afraid of.

You can hide behind your religion all you want. Ugh but this is your child. Chances are he's not gay because right now he's just a kid, he's growing he doesn't know what his sexuality is.

If your son was gay would you take him to those religious homosexual demon casting revivals? Would you pray over him? Would you distance yourself from him because of his lifestyle?

If so you don't deserve to be called mom.

I'm sorry if I come off very mean, but I feel so strongly about this and I'm very much done speaking my part on this thread.

This is really disgusting to me. I'm not gay, in fact I'm straight for that matter. I do however have very close friends whom are homosexuals and I remember growing up how harsh their parents treated them and it can get SUICIDAL and it really HURTS them. So this thread right here is so personal to me, it actually hurts reading this, so I'm done saying my part.

I wish nothing but happiness for your son.

Sarah

mudweiser... the op never mentioned religion,only worry.

I'm a little confused by your post.

It is harsh,considering the op only has concerns.

Oh my goodness.

At 4 years old boys play with boys... girls play with girls.

Go to a daycare center and see how many boys are playing in the kitchen "center" with the girls and how many girls are playing with the boys in the car "center."

I bet you find all girls in the kitchen and all boys with the cars.

I think you are reading WAY too much into this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mudweiser

I truly feel for your son, if he is gay you would turn your back to him because of your religion.

Sarah, take a step back... nowhere did the OP mention religion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Sarah, take a step back...nowhere did the OP mention religion.

Hmm let's see right about here:

"I hope that helps...I know I probably would be shunned if I said this but I really don't want my child or children to be gay, lesbian or bisexual - my husband and I would be ballistic at first (we are Catholic)...I want grandchildren and a normal family life like the one I grew up in"

Sarah

Quote:

Originally Posted by mudweiser

hmm let's see right about here:

"I hope that helps...I know I probably would be shunned if I said this but I really don't want my child or children to be gay, lesbian or bisexual - my husband and I would be ballistic at first (we are Catholic)...I want grandchildren and a normal family life like the one I grew up in"

Sarah

That was mistigue ( a different poster) NOT the op !

I got your PM. I couldn't write back you should fix that.

Well my apologies to the OP. I was thinking with my heart not my head. As I've mentioned previously I lost a dear friend because his parents did not "accept" him because of religion.

I wouldn't want anyone to take their lives away. It's horrible and it hurts everyone.

I should stay away from threads like these I get a little to emotional.

My apologies once again.

Sarah

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistique

Hale Mary

Catholics actually know this prayer as the HAIL Mary. Not Hale Mary. ;)

Well in a small sense I did agree with Muddys post. You should love your children unconditionally. If my son came home and told me he was gay then so be it. He is gay. He is still my baby and I will love him for who he is. He can still have children and still live a normal life. Its society as a whole that makes that hard on gays.

But in the sense that the op is worried about her 4 year old, I would not have any concern at all if it were my son. They are young, they have time to mature and learn what love is.

A 4 year old doesn't know what "sexuality" is.

For heavens sake we are talking about a 4 year old, they don't even know what sex is. At 4 they don't want to even be near little girls most of the time.

I think that first the original post could have been merely "spam" those types of post thrown out to cause trouble with those on various sides.

And parents love their children normally no matter what form of sin they bring into their life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

For heavens sake we are talking about a 4 year old, they don't even know what sex is. At 4 they don't want to even be near little girls most of the time.

I think that first the orginal post could have been merely "spam" those types of post thrown out to cause trouble with those on varous sides.

And parents love thier children normally no matter what form of sin they bring into thier life.

That was my point EXaCTLY!! But I guess they missed my post... hopefully they won't miss yours.

He is learning to identify his sex and in doing so he is finding comfort in another of his kind.It is male bonding on a child's scale and has no bearing on his future sexual preference.
Last I knew ,there was nothing to indicate that homosexuality is an inherited trait.Regarding your concern that there is a homosexual half sibling.

Whew! That question cast a cat amongst the pigeons!

My friend's son wanted to dress as a girl the whole time in primary school. He would don beads and earrings and wear his hair in pigtails. Most definitely odd! He's now a teenager, and whilst still unusual, he has a GF and is doing all the regular things that teenagers do.

However, had he turned into a cross dresser, my friend would have loved him no less. She never made any judgments about the way he wanted to dress to go to school, and figured he'd learn his own way. Somehow, not quite sure how, he became on of the 'cool' kids at school!

To the OP, I have nothing new to say except - chill out. He's 4 and he's learning about friendship and attachment. Perhaps you could have a think about why you're so concerned that your son might be gay?

I wouldn't be too worried at age 4. Most young boys want nothing to do with girls and would be perfectly content in a world consisting of only boys. Trust me, I was there! Now if he were 14 I'd be a lot more concerned.

I have two young sons and am actually beside myself over this thread. At FOUR YEARS OLD, you are bringing this subject up? Even if he ends up being gay, you should love him unconditionally. What would you do differently if someone here told you to be worried?

Play John Wayne movies for him? Get him some chewing tobacco?

And Mystique, It's a HELL of a note that you think that HAIL is spelled "HALE".

I too am Catholic, and you should be ashamed of yourself using OUR religion as validity for your hatred of homosexuality.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

I have two young sons and am actually beside myself over this thread. At FOUR YEARS OLD, you are bringing this subject up? Even if he ends up being gay, you should love him unconditionally. What would you do differently if someone here told you to be worried?

Play John Wayne movies for him? Get him some chewing tobacco?

And Mystique, It's a HELL of a note that you think that HAIL is spelled "HALE".

I too am Catholic, and you should be ashamed of yourself using OUR religion as validity for your hatred of homosexuality.

I am feeling compelled to respond, though I really prefer not to…but here it goes. The response regarding being religious stemmed from this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by mudweiser

Why would you be worried if your son is gay?
Are you religious or something?

So being religious I just responded in that position as a response and it doesn't change the way I feel about my kids and if they choose not to be Catholic later (or be gay) then so be it! I did say so be it! And I also said that I would try to understand.…as you can see I typed really fast and made a few errors…I guess I should edit and review information submitted to ensure there are no errors as I type 90 words per minute…but I am human and make mistakes as my computer; so sue me…if that makes me any less Catholic in your eyes then it just does. I also agree with the age factor:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistique

Being 4 years old, I wouldn't take too much into holding hands and expressing emotions to their friends...children don't really know what love or like are...or the difference too much (each child is different) but the second part about "boys are suppose to like girls but I love my friend" kind of alarms me.

and

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistique

This could be a stage and he could grow out of it.

I can say it alarms me, because I would have questions about this too “I knew in advance that I would have these reactions but it isn't going to stop me from saying anything now (though in the future I will remain completely reserved afraid that my communications will be misunderstood). It's like not reading an entire sentence. I have a handful of kids around me and not one usually asks questions like that…so resources even for the future are helpful (being supportive, nurturing and understanding – knowing how to respond).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistique

It doesn't make you love your son any less...as you know with your husbands child, just talk, be supportive and try to answer his questions appropriately (as you are).

Then reaction occurred to this…

Quote:

Originally Posted by mudweiser

"I hope that helps...I know I probably would be shunned if I said this but I really don't want my child or children to be gay, lesbian or bisexual - my husband and I would be ballistic at first (we are Catholic)...I want grandchildren and a normal family life like the one I grew up in"

When after I said that this part was left out?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistique

(though now there really isn't a norm and we all have to change our perception because everyone is entitled to live their lives the way they want to (religious, cultural, sexual...etc) it's mutual respect). Example, someone might not agree with the way I live my life either right? So visa versa...the more you educate yourself; the more prepared you will be to answer and assist in child development. You can't force anyone to do anything and so be it! Your relationship with your child (no matter what they decide) is most important, their fragile and will need support. Happiness first. Continue building a loving relationship...I would read up on it to find ways and support for you to find the proper ways of dealing with these type of questions...since your straight it isn't something you understand (me either) but make an effort to; you don't want a troubled child to adult relationship.

I am not saying that I would not accept or love them any less at all? I just suggested doing some personal reading and finding resources to help answer these type of questions might relieve the op's concerns.

I actually agree with everyone…I am not sure where my communication was lost?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistique

I am feeling compelled to respond, though I really prefer not to…but here it goes. The response regarding being religious stemmed from this:

So being religious I just responded in that position as a response and it doesn’t change the way I feel about my kids and if they choose not to be Catholic later (or be gay) then so be it! I did say so be it! And I also said that I would try to understand.…as you can see I typed really fast and made a few errors…I guess I should edit and review information submitted to ensure there are no errors as I type 90 words per minute…but I am human and make mistakes as my computer; so sue me…if that makes me any less Catholic in your eyes then it just does. I also agree with the age factor:
and I can say it alarms me, because I would have questions about this too “I knew in advance that I would have these reactions but it isn’t going to stop me from saying anything now (though in the future I will remain completely reserved afraid that my communications will be misunderstood). It’s like not reading an entire sentence. I have a handful of kids around me and not one usually asks questions like that…so resources even for the future are helpful (being supportive, nurturing and understanding – knowing how to respond).Then reaction occurred to this…
When after I said that this part was left out?
I am not saying that I would not accept or love them any less at all? I just suggested doing some personal reading and finding resources to help answer these type of questions might relieve the op’s concerns.

I actually agree with everyone…I am not sure where my communication was lost?

One has to wonder why you deleted one of your posts, then came back to post this? :rolleyes:

Maybe you need to take a break from this thread. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

One has to wonder why you deleted one of your posts, then came back to post this? :rolleyes:

Maybe you need to take a break from this thread. ;)

Yeah I agree... I did originally post a second time - then chose to be non-confrontational (as it won't help the OP right?)... to find that later I would be compelled to respond regardless.

See you guys later and sorry for any misunderstandings.