My son is 3 months. I was never married to his father. His father has 4 felonies and a criminal record that is 35 pages long. He has had an addiction to cocaine since he was 19 and he is now 31. Since I have known him he has not been clean for more than 3 months. He has been through rehab at least 6 times. He was either in jail or rehab the entire time I was pregnant. He stayed clean for about 2 1/2 months until last week when he went on a binge. He lost his job, which is part of his parole. His Parole officer knows of this last incident and they have a meeting on Monday. We are not (as of yet) taking this to court. We do have a meeting at the child support agency where we will discuss custody and visitation. I know that I have to have sole physical custody, but should I ask for sole legal also? I would like to have both, but is that asking too much. I know that he is not stable enough to make major decisions for his child, but I do not want trouble.

If I were in your shoes I would want sole legal and physical custody with supervised visitation.

To me that is not asking too much since you do not want your child around that kind of environment.

Asking for just the right amount isn't what guarantees you won't have trouble with folks like your ex... you'd understand that by now, don't you? Ask for everything... absolutely everything! And be sure, just in case you aren't already, to get yourself straightened up now that you have a child to raise -- it is the most important work you'll ever do in your entire life, okay? :)

I know that he is impossible to deal with. He still blames his addiction on others, especially me. When I talk to him I always feel harassed. I know what is best for my child, which is not having a father that is in and out of his life. His father is very controlling and selfish. He is not trying to take care of his son, but trying to make himself happy. When the baby was first born he told me that he needed to see him because it might help him stay away from drugs. That is not what babies are for. Is it likely that I could get no visitation? At least until he proves to be clean (if that ever happens). My son means the world to me and all I want to do is protect him.

I don't know where you live, but worst case scenario is that he will have to have supervised visitation. The court can appoint someone to watch over the visitation for a few hours a week. You might even be able to ask for weekly drug tests regarding his visitation, if it comes up positive for drugs, then visitation is revoked.

I am in Wisconsin. I had set something up with him to come to my moms every other week for two hours. He did not show the last 2 times, but insists on the visits. I am worried that if I do go through the courts, his visits would be a couple times a week. I don't like having that much contact with him.

With a record like his it would be quite unusual for the visits to be more often.

However, I believe it may benefit you to go through the court because of his record. The court then would assign a custodian to watch over the visitations so that nothing inappropriate will happen while he is with your son.

If he continues to insist on the visits then I suggest that you insist on him going to your mom's house. You can play the same game he is. If he does not visit but continues to insist then you can pull your trump card and tell him that it will be decided in court.

Just out of curiosity, nothing more, but you mention his drug problem and you call yourself MissMeth18. Makes one think of either Methamphetamine or Methodone. Please do not answer that here, as that is not our business, but, if he finds this nickname out he may try to use it against you.

I know some will disagree with my last comment, but I am used to men who try and play games. I am just trying to help you CYA.

I am just trying to think of anything he could use against you if he were that kind of person.

That has been my screen name on quite a few sites since I was 16. I had a crush on method man( for some odd reason). It is something that I remember. I have another one I use a lot but it is my nickname and I did not want anyone he knows to see this. I am not a drug user nor smoker. I am in school full time (health field). I am the complete opposite of him. Did I mention that he has a 12 yo daughter who his parents have custody of.

If he keeps doing what he is doing, is it possible to get his rights terminated?

Well, you really did not have to answer that question, I was just trying to bring up the fact that if he does find out about it, and is the manipulating kind, he might try to use it against you.

Health Field, great choice! Of course I am biased, but there is a lot of work for health care workers, and the pay is great.

You say his parents have custody of his 12 y/o. Where is the mother? Is she in the same sort of situation he is?

If that is the case you should really have the courts on your side. If you have legal papers you have more power.

The mother has the same problem, just not as bad. I am just extremely nervous about all of this.

Oh, hun, I am sure you are nervous!!

But you need the legal system on your side. Does he pay child support? You need someone who will fight for your rights and the rights of your son.

The mother has the same problem, but you do not. You are stable and making a better life for you and your child. That is what will be looked at in court.

You just remember that you are the healthy one. You are the one who will raise your son in a healthy environment. That is a major plus on your part!!

Keep your chin up, you are doing the right thing!!

Thank you so much for your help. I have read so much information on the internet. I keep reading that I should not keep him from being around his son because a son needs his father. I know in my heart that it is better to have no father than one who is a child himself. If he cannot take care of himself, then he cannot take care of a child. I am in the process of filing for child support. I hate feeling this way, every time he calls he makes me feel awful. I hope that everything goes well. I will let you know what happens. I will probably have more questions as things come so I am sure to be posting again. Thank you!

Actually a child does need a father FIGURE, but that does not have to be the birth father.

There are groups out there, like Big Brothers/Big Sisters for instance, who can help with the father figure issue. They are mentors when children do not have fathers in their lives.

You can do this, and I am sure you know by now that we are here to help you.

If you feel you should ask for sole legal custody then do it. There's no guarantee you'll get it as courts tend to be very protective of parents' rights, even when the parent is clearly as unfit as your son's father. Be prepared to make your case and make sure you have documentation to substantiate everything you've told us here, as well as any other pertinent issues. Also speak with a lawyer if you haven't already.

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Originally Posted by missmeth18

Is it likely that I could get no visitation? At least until he proves to be clean (if that ever happens). My son means the world to me and all I want to do is protect him.

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Getting no visitation at all is probably out of the question if the father indicates that he wants it. Again, you can try but don't be shocked if the judge rules against you on this one. Personally I agree with you that no visitation, at least for now, is probably the best thing. However our family law system in this country is pretty screwy so you've got to cover your tail 110%.

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Originally Posted by missmeth18

I had set something up with him to come to my moms every other week for two hours. He did not show the last 2 times, but insists on the visits. I am worried that if I do go through the courts, his visits would be a couple times a week. I dont like having that much contact with him.

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Make it known that he did not appear for previously scheduled visits when building your case.

He missed his parole appointment yesterday. What would it take for him to eventually lose his rights? I know he is not going to change. He does not want to be involved in his sons life to benefit his son, but to benefit himself. If I can hardly handle the first few months, then I don't know how I am going to get through 18 years.

A child does need his father, but I believe that this guy has pretty much eliminated himself as a father figure by his continuing illegal behavior. If your father, brothers, uncles or grandfathers are around and are decent people, live as close to them as possible so that he will have a father figure around. Definitely try and get full and sole custody, I wouldn't trust that guy with my child for 2 seconds, supervised or not. The fear of him coming and running away with the child would be my driving force.

Actually, nothing will cause him to completely lose his rights. The more unfit he proves to be, the more limited his rights will be but he'll never lose them completely unless he chooses not to pursue them.

That is not fair to the child. I guess the courts are not really looking out for the child either. It feels like I am the only one.

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Originally Posted by missmeth18

That is not fair to the child. I guess the courts are not really looking out for the child either. It feels like I am the only one.

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Bingo! You've hit it right on the head!

Do I need a lawyer to go in front of the family court commissioner? I am getting together with the father to try to settle things out of court. Does anyone have advice on how to talk to him in order to get what I want? I am going to ask for sole custody with supervised visitation. He already agreed to the supervised visitation. He is very hard to talk to, so I need some pointers. Should I be nice and ask or should I tell him.

I personally would TELL HIM that you are going for sole legal and physical custody! Believe it or not... the court does care about children! A judge will see that he is a "hybitual criminal" and will definitely suggest supervised visitation as long as they pass their drug test! (They will have to take a "urine" drug test once a week... at their expense... before they can see the child!

I don't know how well he is paying for his child support but eventually... he will have to pay it if he isn't already! (Which I doubt he is with him being in and out of prison and just possibly not getting his parole revoked!) I think you can treat him as a DOG at this point and swing a "T-Bone" in front of him and tell him that if he gives up his parental rights to your child then he will not have to pay back child support! For some reason those "dead beats" thrieve on that!

I would go for complete full sole custody and keep the father away.

The child is better off.

Joe

I keep doubting myself. I know what is right but I am afraid that I may end up with joint physical. That would be awful. As for letting him off back support, that does not matter to him. His parents have a lot of money and they help him (even though he stole his parents car 2 months ago). Do you know if I need a lawyer for the family court commissioner?

Personally I would get a lawyer. I do not know if you HAVE to have one, but I would if I were in your shoes. He/She is better armed to look out for your and the child's best interests legally.

This man may intimidate you and break you down and you do not want that. You are already doubting yourself, why not put it into the hands of a professional who is legally and emotionally prepared to deal with jerks like this.

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Originally Posted by missmeth18

Do i need a lawyer to go in front of the family court commissioner? I am getting together with the father to try to settle things out of court. Does anyone have advice on how to talk to him in order to get what I want? I am going to ask for sole custody with supervised visitation. He already agreed to the supervised visitation. He is very hard to talk to, so I need some pointers. Should I be nice and ask or should I tell him.

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Tell him. If he resists, you will need to go to court. At that point you should really try to hire a lawyer.

How long would the court order supervised visitation? I know no one can give me an exact amount, but an average.

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Originally Posted by missmeth18

How long would the court order supervised visitation? I know no one can give me an exact amount, but an average.

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I would guess for about a year, with the stipulation that, after that year is up, the case be re-evaluated and then a modified visitation order be established. It may be the same supervised visitation as before or it may be changed to unsupervised visitation ; anything is possible. It'd be up to the judge and how (s)he feels that father has progressed in addressing his own problems during that time. Actually this is something that you might want to suggest ; a year of supervised visitation, followed by a re-evaluation. No reasonable judge can really object to that.

I am so annoyed! We set something up last wed for him to see his child. Well, he was supposed to be here today at 3:30 and it is now 4:30. I called him but his phone is off. He is a waste of time.

So He is in jail right now but I believe they are letting him attend the hearing next week. He wrote me a letter telling me that I needed to agree on a few things. He wants joint legal custody. He also wants his visits to be every other weekend for 8 hours supervised by his mom. Once he turns 2 he wants overnights unsupervised. This guy is in jail, by the time he gets out my son will be between 13-27 months. First of all his mother is not going to sit at home on Saturday for 8 hrs, I am sure she would leave. Second of all, my son will have no clue where he is or who he is with. He would be scared. And overnights just getting out of jail. Is he absolutely crazy for asking for these things? I think so, but I need a second opinion.

If I were in your shoes, I would most definiately file for full sole custody of my child. I am in a very much similar situation, and yet I still have questions about the subject. Your baby's protection should be the most important thing in your life and you don't want him to be around his father that could possibly hurt him.

Please don't give in to his demands. He is beyond crazy, he is so irresponsible, he knows he's not in a position to care for a baby but he doesn't care, he wants to do it just because, and that's not safe for your baby. You're right, his mom isn't going to do anything, don't believe it.

Fight tooth and nail for his sake, this is when he needs you to be mother bear and protect him at all costs.

AHHHH!! I just found out that right before he went to prison he moved into an apartment less than 100 ft away from mine. Stalker! That is scary. Now his parents are paying his rent so that he does not lose it. Would it be possible to have his rights terminated? Also, will they let him out of jail for mediation?

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Originally Posted by missmeth18

My son is 3 months. I was never married to his father. His father has 4 felonies and a criminal record that is 35 pages long. He has had an addiction to cocaine since he was 19 and he is now 31. Since i have known him he has not been clean for more than 3 months. He has been through rehab at least 6 times. He was either in jail or rehab the entire time I was pregnant. He stayed clean for about 2 1/2 months until last week when he went on a binge. He lost his job, which is part of his parole. His Parole officer knows of this last incident and they have a meeting on monday. We are not (as of yet) taking this to court. We do have a meeting at the child support agency where we will discuss custody and visitation. I know that I have to have sole physical custody, but should I ask for sole legal also? I would like to have both, but is that asking too much. I know that he is not stable enough to make major decisions for his child, but I do not want trouble.

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I would definitely go for full custody with supervised visitation! Your son is not safe with him, believe me, I know. I'm going through the same thing as you, only I don't have to worry for now because my ex is going away for a year for violation of probation. But as of now, he only see's our son with me there. With a record like that there's no way that he'll get unsupervised visitation. Definitely go for full custody, you'll get it.

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Originally Posted by missmeth18

My son is 3 months. I was never married to his father. His father has 4 felonies and a criminal record that is 35 pages long. He has had an addiction to cocaine since he was 19 and he is now 31. Since i have known him he has not been clean for more than 3 months. He has been through rehab at least 6 times. He was either in jail or rehab the entire time I was pregnant. He stayed clean for about 2 1/2 months until last week when he went on a binge. He lost his job, which is part of his parole. His Parole officer knows of this last incident and they have a meeting on monday. We are not (as of yet) taking this to court. We do have a meeting at the child support agency where we will discuss custody and visitation. I know that I have to have sole physical custody, but should I ask for sole legal also? I would like to have both, but is that asking too much. I know that he is not stable enough to make major decisions for his child, but I do not want trouble.

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Most times now aday, the judges give shared custody. Like 1 week with one parent and then the next with the other parent. Or 3 days out of the week with one and 4 with the other parent (this is how it just happened with my sisters kids. You have to show that is an unfit parent to get full custody. Which it surely sounds like it. I would take everything to court and if I were you I would go for full custody too. You want your baby safe.

Write Down Everything That Is Said Between You And Him, Even If You Think It's Trivil. How Much Time The Father Spends With The Child,or How Much Time He Dosen't Spend With Your Son. How Much Time He Spends With His Other Child Counts As Well. How Does His Parents Feel About Everything? Are They On You Side Or His? Stick To Your Guns Fight For Your Son!

His mother definitely babies him. She bails him out of everything. His mother is not involved, although she says she wants to be. She makes no effort at all. The Dad has never seen his grandson, and does not care to. My sons father missed 4 visits in 2 months, because he was doing drugs. His other child wants nothing to do with her father. She has not seen my son because she does not want to be reminded of her father. I think that they are all screwd up and that they should just leave us alone, but that will never happen.

It just seems so ironic that this guy is such a bad person. I mean you must have only known him for 12 months. You must have had sex on the first night. That's the only explanation for somoene to get involved with a guy like this. If you didn't then you obviously were attracted to the excitement of a bad boy/thug (maybe you can settle him down) but it backfired. Why did you sleep with this guy? Why did you sleep with him without protection? What does he keep getting arrested for? Sex crimes? If not, if he wants to be part of his kids life you will no way in hell get full sole custody and he loses rights. What the hell were you doing with somoen like this if he is so bad? Was the baby a mistake? An Accident?

With the background of this guy you really didn't believe he would change. Well, what you are saying is that this baby was an accident. You are the mother and he is the father. I don't even know my dad and still love him and think about him all the time. I hate him but I love him. No uncles no grandpas no male will ever replace a boys father ever. Someon said that on here but they are an idiot. If anything another male will cause the boy to rebel.

With his record I can't see him getting much more than supervised visits. Go for full custody and have documentation of everything about him.

Whatever kind of visit the father is the father. You had sex with him now deal with it. What are his crimes? Guy on death row the last thing he thinks about is how much he loves his child...