 |
Hi I need an opinion
My husband and I have a child one year old and we both got a scholarship to do our masters .
My husband is a about to finish his master next semester and I must start next semester .
I am thinking to send my son to live with my mother for 4 month .
My mother live in Europe and I live in Texas .
I am afraid that my son will be affected or he is going to hate me what do you think ?
Thank you
This is an important time in your child's life. He needs his mother. When you have a child, you must make sacrifices. If that means sacrificing, then that's what it means.
Don't send your child off, just because you can't handle him and school. There is also daycare.
I know this sounds harsh, but this is something you should have considered BEFORE you had a baby. Now you have a baby and he is your responsibility to raise. Not your mothers, she has raised her children, it is time for her to sit back and relax.
You might want to read about the Anna Mae He battle. Her parents wanted to go back to school so they gave her up. Now will they ever get her back?
Anna Mae He affair - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
I believe that people should not be having children unless they are willing to be parents, so you put off your education and perhaps part time
I agree with both J_9 and Fr_Chuck...
NUMBER ONE: YOUR child.
Everything comes second... period.
What kind of masters program can you finish in 4 months?
You have a child. This time in the child's life is important bonding time. Can he be away from you? Yes. Will he be scarred? Children struggle through much, much worse in this world. Being with a loving family member isn't the worst that could happen.
So more about the program? What degree? Can you do it part time? Explain. Understand this... the older your child is the easier it gets. I'm not saying it isn't work with a three year old, but two is easier than one, and three is easier than two... the more independent they get and the greater the ability to communicate, the easier it is.
My gut instinct was to say don't do it. That said, I think your education ties directly into your familys stability and your happiness.
So maybe a little more info on what you want to do and the opportunity you have could help.
Hi guys
Thank you all for responding to my question . I want to explain about my program .
I had a scholarship after I get pragnant , so there was nothing to do about it .
Socendly, my master degree is in information engenering management .
I and my husband got the scholarship before one year . My husband start it and I scrified for one year and a half .
Now I am about to lose it . My husband will graduate the next semester and I should start the next semester.
My plan is to put my son in my mother and sester custedy for 4 month until my husband finished . So , we can bring him back .
My son as I mentioned before is now one year old .
So I want to know is that going to affect him
The daycare is too expensive for me and he will never find the care and love that my mother is going to give it to him
Like previously stated, being a mother is about making sacrifices for your child's life to be better, if you think being away from his mother is going to achieve that, the go ahead with it.
A lot of colleges have daycares that aren't too expensive or even free. Have you checked into that?
How about a live-in nanny? Childcare in exchange for rent... there are other ways than sending your child out of the country.
Please I need to know what does ( live -in nanny ) mean ? And if you can suggest me solutions to keep my child with me
Thank you
Good plus you
Of cource he'll hate you. I hate you for even considering it. Why so extreme? Just put him in a daycare or like the other gir said a live in nanny
A nanny that lives with you, it's kind of self-explanatory.Quote:
Originally Posted by Razen
Thank you all
God pluss you
OK.
I'm the father of a four year old. I quit my job to stay with him at home with him when my wife's job started making her travel (national and international) and taking a lot more of her time. She said she couldn't do the work if I wasn't home with him, and its been a fun little ride, if not maddening at times. I've always worked my tail off so chasing a little one around with no adults was a big change.
We've altered our lives, including our income, for the best option we thought we could provide our little one.
That said, I think things are getting a little too heavy here. Yes, bonding time is important at this tender age... but I do NOT think the child will hate his mother for this!!
Children at this age do not have a clear concept of time. They cannot remember where they put their favorite toy two hours later. Yes... they know when a loved one is present, especially the most important mother. But c'mon... this woman isn't abandoning her child to a stranger.
As long as the grandmother and the aunt are a loving, caring family that can help care for the child so lets not just act like she threw the baby to the dogs.
I have a friend who is a doctor. His regretted not pushing though his degree and training earlier in his children's life because when they were older he was distracted... felt like he was doing everything half well...
While I do wish there was some compromise that kept the child with at least one parent, or some way for the mother to be able to extend the schooling to part time perhaps, she didn't give the baby up for adoption. She didn't have an abortion so she could focus on herself alone. She's a mother trying to position herself better financially both for her own interests and the interests of her child long term.
I don't think what you are talking about is completely unreasonable. You are potentially going to miss some big milestones. My child started walking during this time, and started talking a little too. The separation from your child will be hard on you too... which is of course why you turned to a board for discussion... if you didn't give a damn you wouldn't have written in here.
How about this... I was in the hospital for nearly 3+ months when I was a baby. Fought through a sickness. During that time there were spells when I couldn't be with my parents in a "normal" setting. Now I am not denying that its best for the child to be with the parents as much as possible during bonding stages, but lets be realistic. I don't hate my parents for not being as close to me during this time.
My wife has had to leave my son for as long as almost 3 weeks on extended leaves. What about a soldier who needs to leave his family for a tour of 2 years or more? Does that child automatically hate his parent??
If there is no other option (and a nanny is a nice idea, but costly unless you live in an area where there is cheaper labor available) the child with your mother and aunt places the baby in the loving folds of the family. It isn't the same as with you, but its an option.
There are always state assisted programs. That's what I'm in I only pay $57.00 a month in day care fees. There are always alternate routes. You just have to do research. Don't give up those 4 beautiful months with your baby that you later down the road will regret.
IagreeQuote:
Originally Posted by angel0772001
Didn't you even read the post? The SCHOLARSHIP and its expiring is the reason she's struggling with this... her financial backing for schooling is about to expire.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rinacakes1991
And hate was YOUR word. Twice. Don't use it and then back down. This is a mother who is trying to figure out how to make everything mesh.
If you think working your a$$ through a masters program is the "high life" you ARE as clueless as you sound.
Sorry, This has to be one of the dumbest thoughts I have read in a long time. You conceived and brought into this world a child. That child is YOUR responsibility, not your mothers, not anyone else's, it is yours. If you have to forgo your masters program for a few years, that is life. My daughter has two children under 7. She was a stay at home mom for them until they were potty trained. Then with her husbands blessing and support she went back to school at night to finish her education. There are alternatives to farming your child off on someone so you can go to school.
This is an easy one to examine. Selfish Parents... plain and simple. Just the mere fact that you could bring yourself to leave your one year old child says allot about the person you and your husband are and the parents you and will continue to become. I understand that these scholarships are very very important but more important then your child? I understand it's only for mere amount of time but that's not the point, there is a greater underlying selfishness from both of you. You both need to sit down and work out who's going to sacrifice raising this child while the other pursues school. Compromise is a great and powerful word...
I agree with KP on this one. I can understand where the mother is coming from. The child is only one for goodness sake. Its not like he is going to grow up a completely disturbed child because his mother needed to finish her degree for 4 months. I believe the mother knows how this will effect her and she knows she will miss a lot of her child's first steps, words, etc. But I also believe she knows that by finishing her masters, she will be in a much better place financially and mentally to provide for her child. A lot of you people on here have never been in this type of situation so you have no right to judge her as a selfish or bad mother. Go with what you think is right hon. Good luck!
Yes I overread The scholorship part. But overall I must say this whole scenario should have been solved with the daycare/live in nanny suggestion ,made a long time ago. I agree with all who said it's the parents child, which means he/she can do whatever he/she wants.
And for those who like to use profanty in their answers.. get original... a true speaker does not need to use fowl language to get a point across. :$
Of cource he'll hate you. i hate you for even considering it. why so extreme? just put him in a daycare or like the other gir said a live in nanny
And for those who like to use profanty in their answers..get original...a true speaker does not need to use fowl language to get a point across. :$
This coming from a person that used the word HATE in their last post. Sorry dude but HATE is one of the ugliest words that you can use. Maybe you should take a look at your own post before getting on to others about using profanity
I just don't see it! I can't see how anyone would leave there child. Only one year's old? Is that said because they won't remember? Is that what your worried about? Shouldn't be about who remembers what, it should come from within you that you WANT to see so many wonderful things occur at that age. It's not like they don't have other alternatives and this is the last and best hope for there child. One could compromise with many other solutions. For them to send there child overseas not even close for visiting would just CRUSH me. I could never see it or do it. But that's why we all have opinions and we all do things differently. I think people are faced with this sort of situation more then you think. Maybe not the exact type of situation but very similar one's. People with children sacrifice allot of things that's the choice we made and wanted to.Quote:
Originally Posted by margarita_momma
Could you live with not seeing your son every day? That is something that I know I could not do. Perhaps your husband could stay with him or you could get a sitter for part of the day. It can be done. I know a single mom of 4 that works fulltime and goes to school. She does it. It might take some sacrifices on your part, but at least he would be with you.
It is a terrible burden to put on your mother!
I know my opinion isn't "right"... and as a parent, I understand how tough this decision is...
But where others see a burden on the mother, I see a unique bonding opportunity for the grandma that may never come again... not to mention that there is an aunt who is also wanting to help. There is family present that can love the child. And in the process maybe help her daughter secure a better future for the family.
My wife Didn't see her child's first steps. She was at work. My wife didn't hear the first time he said his first word (ball). My wife wasn't there the first time he made a snow angel or the first time he draw a picture and called it a name. My wife is present in our child's life, but as a working mother she "missed" some moments... at least the technical "first" moments.
Did her seeing him walk for the first time, even though it wasn't the "first" mean less? Does that diminish her memory? Is she less of a mother?
Guess what? There are a lot of people who see your child's "firsts"... your caregivers and teachers... those people you trust everyday to care for your children... they are often the ones who see many of the firsts...
My wife works in the job she does because it gives her great satisfaction and it pays well. She can do this because she knows there is a parent or family member present in my sons care. When we were both working, he was in the care of his loving aunt when not with us.
Is a mother with a child in daycare less of a loving mother?
Should we ban all parents from serving in the military, knowing that for the extra dollars earned it might mean years away from loved ones?
I ABSOLUTELY agree that there are a lot of ways to get an education and that her proposed method isn't the only one, and even not necessarily the "best choice"...
But good parenting does NOT mean sacrificing all for your child. It means balance. It means financial responsibility and healthy family choices that are also based on reason.
I know I need to shut up. I've just seen people put off education and struggle to get back to it. And a semester can fly by so fast...
I guess I'm giving her too much credit for some here. I assume if she didn't care or wasn't concerned shed have done it without asking for our approval or opinions. I assumed that she knew how tough it would be. I assume the mother and aunt are not being put upon.
Maybe I'm assuming too much.
I need to let this go. Said my piece. We agree to disagree. I'm done, I promise.
Comments on this postRinacakes1991 disagrees: hate may be a strong word. But there will always be that tension between the child and parent. How would u feel if you were sent somewere so you're parents could live the high life. If you can afford college you can afford a nanny.
First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedba...ure-24951.html
I can't understand how some people have talked about parents "living the high life" and being selfish, etc.
Getting the masters could mean a large difference in salary when they get into the work force. This will only benefit the child as well as the parents. We are not talking about an interminabvle amount of time, either 4 months in the life of a 1 yr old, is not something they will remember too easily.
I'm with KP on this. While I agree that maybe this should have been considered before they conceived and while I think it may be hard for some to imagine being away fromtheir child for that long, especially at that age, I also think that they have a unique opportunity to take advantage of a scholarship that will advance her career.
So, I think its something you should seriously consider. But by seriously consider I mean you need to examine how you will feel being away from your child.
I agree that one could compromise with many other solutions. Parents have a lot of different views on ways to raise their children. I am not saying she is right but it is ultimately her decision. I for one could never leave my son with my mother (let's just pretend for a second that she was a good caring mother that stayed around and wasn't a meth addict). I am just saying that if she can handle being away from her child for that length of time, that I don't believe it will effect the child later on in life. He will just have a lot of pictures to look at of him and granny hanging out in Europe when he gets older. You never know, maybe grandma is happy about getting to take care of her grandchild for a little while. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Jodie88
Well I think only you could tell if he would be OK with your mum. And if you think that you doing this will help with the finance of your family maybe its right. I could not do this myself but that's not to say you are wrong for wanting to do it.
One question though how do you feel you would cope being away from him for 4 months? Would it affect your studies? Leti
Do not listen to Rinacakes. That was just so completely uncalled for. My daughter is 2 now and I was a stay at home mom for 10 months and then went just part time until a month ago when I went back full time. I couldn't stand the thought of being without her for 4 months, but we all have to make sacrifices. That is your biggest sacrifice, being without him and vice versa. If it is only for 4 months and he is with your family and you talk to him on the phone and he hears your voice, he will still be getting the love and attention he needs while still knowing who you and your husband are. If there is absolutely no other alternative, then I say do it. It will be hard, but for the long run of your family's financial stability and security, you need to finish your college education. Especially if you get a scholorship and it is nothing out of pocket.
HMMM, maybe grandma (and grandpa) could visit for an extended period, and be there while your away. I did this when my daughter went back to work, and it bonded me and my grandson for life. Couldn't hurt to ask her.
Very bad move. Your son comes first, before any scholarship to do your master's or anything else. If you can't do both then your education takes a back seat to being a parent. I'd love to continue my education but having a wife and 2 kids simply doesn't allow me to do that at this time.
I agree. It's not like she's proposing to abandon her child for life or turn him over to the state. Unless grandma and auntie are hopeless addicts or something, I really don't see it as a big deal.Quote:
Originally Posted by margarita_momma
Well, you certainly did get a variety to choose from.Quote:
Originally Posted by Razen
I was a single mom many moons ago with 2 children - one with special needs. However, I went to school days and worked nights to pay for their care. I did this for 2 years. It IS possible. If you can afford to fly your baby to Europe for 4 months and back again, then you should be able to afford care for him. There are also subsidies for low income families available. What school will you be going to? Do they not have a day care program? Then you can still drop by to feed and cuddle when you are not in classes.
I do think that it would be wonderful to be able to have your baby with family instead of strangers. Is it possible that one of your family members would be willing to come and stay with you for some or all of the time until your husband can help out?
I can see why you have come to the thought of placing your baby with his grandmother, and under normal conditions it will not have any long term affects upon him. However, many changes so early in his life, especially changes which do not promote bonding with you - his mother, CAN have serious and lasting effects. One of these is Reactive Attachment Disorder. I think the risk of something of this nature is very slim, particularly if your son is receiving loving care with someone who can meet his needs on a regular basis.
I think it would be awful to lose your scholarship, and I do feel being with family would be preferential for the baby. However, total absence from his parents is not the most practical solution. Try to find other options, such as I have suggested earlier. If you need to find out information on low cost care and/or programs available near you, please provide us with the name of the school and the general area in which you live.
I can see you are trying very hard to ensure your baby has the best - otherwise you would not have posted here or even considered sending him to your mother.
Hugs, Didi
I agree with Grammadidi. Tell us where you are living and what school you are going to, and many people here will be able to give you some better advice on daycare, and low-cost services to help you.
Do you have siblings near you? Do you have any family that lives near you? Or really good friends that live near you?
Hey listen I am a singal mother who had a child at a very young age and I too had a schollership for school but I gave it up had my child till he was old enough to go to a babysitters for the day and then got a good job asked for help worked my butt of and did it on my own
... I am not saying quit school but there are always different ways to cope with a child and school. I know in your area there are some government helpers who help pay for child care for mother in your situation the only draw back is you would have to pay back I think its 25% of what they help you with
.. but its worth it to stay with you son who at this time in his life learns what ever he needs to live children are like sponges from new born to the age of about 5-6 and then they learn new things like spelling ,math etc 0-5 they learn rutines how to eat when to sleep even for 4 months he will pick up on your mother traits and he might rebel against you and even in 4 months he could forget who you are
Not trying to scare you but when my daughters dad left when she was 1and a little bit he came back 3 months later and she didn't know him nor did she want anything to do with him.
I am not saying your little guy will do the same but a 1 year olds brain can only hold and keep so much that is why we constintly repeat our teaching and rules so if you send him away and he don't see you for 4 months he might not remember you and its to easy to say 4 months but end up taking longer what will you do then I wonder? My sugestion would be look deeper into the government for help and look for other ways to keep you little man and get you hubby to help I bet with some stratagising you both could come up with a plain.
You said your husband will graduate next semester and you should start the next. Why can't he take care of the child now that you will be in school? It just seems that between the two of you you could work around your child rather than shipping him off to another country. I'm all for getting an education and might even understand you doing this if your mother lived near by where you could see your child everyday, but thousands of miles away... no! Do you realize the transition your son is going to have to go through and then when he does adjust (if he does) he's going to have to come back and readjust again. His little mind could never comprehend what's happening or why. If anything, bring your mother or sister here to care for him but you really need to get sending him away out of your mind. I can't believe your husband could be with you on this. If you two had your son just a little too soon that is your doing and that child should not have to pay for it.
Hi guys ,
I would like to thanks everyone responed to my question. I think it's become very hard for me to decied. I hope God help me to choose for him and for me the best.
I will descripe for you all my difficulties. I speak english as a secoend language at first. Secoendly my country offer me this scholarship and tickets too. If I lost this scholarship I can't have it again all my life. In my home country the education is not like united state it is awfull . All my life I dreamed to study here. I don't know what to say but people who live in such country they never think how others are thirsty to be educated . Unfortunately, I had many barriers my languge, my poor education in the bacholar and morover my son. I swear it is difficult for me to leave him I believe he can adjust faster than me .with all that sometimes you have the chance for something which you hop for it all your life but you still can't take it
Thank you all for give me the advice and time to read my question.
You are right he can adjust faster he would just forget after awhile but would you? Or would you carry the guilt of leaving him.
.. As a singal parent I know how hard it is to do school and raise a child but what you must understand is you can do both all you have to do is ask for the help contact the government and talk to who ever you can eventually you will find something
... its just a lot of talking on the phone and sorry to say begging.. even if you asked your community to help set up a car wash or book reading thing to hand out pamflets to let people know what you are trying to do there is always that chance you will find a carring sponsor who will help you out.
So never give up on you little man or yourself. You can do it just believe in yourself and others out there.
I have one question that didn't get answered here.
At least I didn't notice! Does your mother even know your son? Being so far away have they had a chance to get to know each other?
I agree with J_9's original, first post. I don't think it is too harsh. We as parents have a job to do and who knows he could get hurt being so far away that may just crush you! I say write the pros and cons down on a piece of paper and if it ONLY comes down to money, I say scratch the idea. You can wait till he goes to school and get into school with a student loan like everyone else later! I wonder if you will be sending him to a complete stranger, that is a stranger to him at least? I guess that is what really worries me about this whole thing! Good luck, and it is obvious you care because you have taken every possible opinion and said thank you for it! I also have to ask if maybe mom could just take a nice vacation and come help you instead?
I'm scratching my head trying to figure out how you can achieve a masters in four months (!? ) with a degree in "Information Engineering Management" (!? ) when it took me ten minutes to read your second posting to figure out what in the world you were trying to spell.
Be with your baby. You don't get this time back. There may be a reason that this opportunity will not work for you right now.. and a better one may be waiting down the road.
Everyone here is making on very saliant point: we all sacrifice. We're parents. It's what we do.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:15 AM. |