Ask Me Help Desk - Why mothers hate their children

It's not that the parent hates the child.
This idea of a parent trying to ruin a child's life comes from parents wanting the best for their children. Though parents want the best for their kids, they also don't want to be outshined by their children either. It may be the feeling of insecurity or something. For example in the play [I]Fences[I] by August Wilson, the father, Troy, always talks about having the best for his family and putting his family first. But because of jealousy, he doesn't let his son go to college and play football because, in reality, he never had the chance himself. This is just a literary work but it applies to human nature.

I also agree that any one can plant the seed, but it takes a special person to nurture and care for this young new life. It doesn't stop there. It takes years of unconditional love & support. Even after they are grow and on there own your job still doesn't stop, you always rally in there corner. I don't understand how some parents just give up ? Letting Grandparents raise there children or foster care, because they are too selfish, wanting to have a good time, knowing they have an important role for many years. As in my case even being the best you can be your grown children can turn on you and break your heart in to millions of pieces.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela_A

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.

I know what that feels like I have a 4 year old step son who lives with me and his dad his mother only wants to see him when it suits her and she always complains that she's ill all the time but she is out getting drunk all the time, I'm a bit confused at what to do, I am so proud of my step son and would do anyhting for him as I treat him as my own I have raised him since he was 2 and couldn't picture my ife with out him

You are out of your mind! Your babies were not asked to be born. I was not asked to be born and I feel like my cruel parents blamed me for being born. I'm 42 years old and finally realizing that the horrible abuse they smothered me in was not my fault. My parents confined me so much as a baby that I nearly was not able to walk. I didn't walk until I was three years old! My grandmother and aunts came to my parents house and demanded that they take me to a doctor. My stupid father actually pulled a gun on them. My mother hated me and stopped me from ever having any choice about anything in my life. She beat me with switches I had to get from a plum tree in our yard. She hit me, she yelled at me and told me I did not matter. That nothing I could ever think or say mattered. She would get me in the bathtub and "wash" my privates until I cried out. She threatened me with a shot-gun. My father took every opportunity that came my way and crushed it. He sexually abused me from when I was about four until just before I reached puberty. My mother died of being an angry alcoholic all the time but my father is still alive. And I realized last night that he is still trying to take things away from me by twisting the details of my life and lying about me. He is trying to pit my brother and I against each other so that we don't get too close again and realize what a low life creep he really is. I don't know what to do any more. I just want my father out of my life. Amazingly enough all of this is true. I put myself through college and I have a decent job with NO THANKS TO THEM. Please don't blame your babies for being born.

Wondering why,you really have gone through some unimaginable things.every time I read new posts here I just keep getting more shocked than before at how some parents can treat their chidren.and yes they treat you like you were asked to be born and now are a burden.I hope you cut them out of your life at an earlier age so you could move on with your life and love yourself because if you don't know one will.being strong and moving on without selfish and cruel people around you is the best thing you can do for yourself.I have let go of many things my mother did to me because I am not in contact with her anymore.if I were still in contact with her,she would still be doing more things to hurt me and I would still be keeping and building more things in my heart for her and I realised that keeping things in my heart was not going to be very good for me or my health in the long run.so I let go.and I have never regretted it.stay strong and keep your head up and if you believe in God ask Him to help you heal.He will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by marie62922

I myself have went through this with my mother. She would call me stupid or she wouldn't make a big deal over my grades in school, but she would make a big deal when my sisters would get good grades. I would have to be the one to clean, work and I was hardly ever aloud out with my friends. I would get hit all the time for reasons I am still clueless about today. I am currently 24 years old and I am doing great for myself and she continues to talk about me. Make up lies about me and just do things to break my heart. I am still loyal to her and I never do anything to hurt her. I just hold everything in and try to forgive her. I just don't understand why she is like this? I have always been a good kid no matter what. I guess I will never know.

Please look up a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. You desperately need this information. Your mother sounds like a textbook case. I wish you well. You have suffered enough.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexybeasty

I have seen some severe negativity from a mother that works right next to me at my postal job. She is angry with her teen son everyday and is always seeking sympathy for her situation. As a mother myself, I honestly do not understand her beefs. She is angry because her son's car has costly repairs. She is angry because he only has a B average and therefore states she will not pay for college. She is angry because he is chosing sports over a job. She is just plain angry and I am sure the boy knows there is more going on than normal parental concerns.

She is a single parent, and I understand there are concerns. Honestly though, if you aren't willing to cut off your right arm for your children...don't have them. I even heard this particular mother state that her parents love her a lot more than her son. How ridiculous. There are obvious mental problems here.

For children of mental cases such as this, please seek help. This way you can learn how to deal with the lack of love and maybe come to an understanding and find a way to bridge your gaps. Everybody needs a parent, but some people will just have to learn to be their own parents and even go so far as to learn to parent their own mothers and fathers. Sorry. But that may be the only sane answer...that and prayer. Blessings.

yep there are some mothers who have mentle problems for sure

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondering Why

You are out of your mind! Your babies were not asked to be born. I was not asked to be born and I feel like my cruel parents blamed me for being born. I'm 42 years old and finally realizing that the horrible abuse they smothered me in was not my fault. My parents confined me so much as a baby that I nearly was not able to walk. I didn't walk until I was three years old! My grandmother and aunts came to my parents house and demanded that they take me to a doctor. My stupid father actually pulled a gun on them. My mother hated me and stopped me from ever having any choice about anything in my life. She beat me with switches I had to get from a plum tree in our yard. She hit me, she yelled at me and told me I did not matter. That nothing I could ever think or say mattered. She would get me in the bathtub and "wash" my privates until I cried out. She threatened me with a shot-gun. My father took every opportunity that came my way and crushed it. He sexually abused me from when I was about four until just before I reached puberty. My mother died of being an angry alcoholic all the time but my father is still alive. And I realized last night that he is still trying to take things away from me by twisting the details of my life and lying about me. He is trying to pit my brother and I against each other so that we don't get too close again and realize what a low life creep he really is. I don't know what to do any more. I just want my father out of my life. Amazingly enough all of this is true. I put myself through college and I have a decent job with NO THANKS TO THEM. Please don't blame your babies for being born.

That is a teriible experience and a demonstration that such evil in parents exist. You should be damn proud of yourself. I had a mom like this no she did not do those things to me but the emotional abuse was ridiculous and she beat the out of me over my dads drinking. What a wackado. Im on this site here because I realize I need help with this at 45 arguing with my mother to this day and taking stuff from you forget it. It's the old saying you cannot give what you did not get. I have struggled emensely to love myself. A mothers love is very important and my mother knows exactly how to stiffle and frustrate me. At least I am not alone and this feels good. I wish you the very best, Oppertunities where stolen from me by my parents no doubt and I have been very angry about it.

Man forget about it. I got on here and listened to some of these stories and it just made my blood boil. My mother by all outward appearances is a sweet innocent woman, everyone loves her and perhaps she really is sweet but with me nothing could be further from the truth. For some reason she just hated me and I have never been able to figure out why. It is so complex and so disturbing to my mentle stat that it has screwed up my thinking and life for many years. Im actually mentally ill from her effects, totally and in the field of psychology it is a well known fact that one can induce memntle illness in another. Take the word depressogenic there are such people who are actually depressogenic and I would have to say both my parents had this effect on me. It is truly depressing. I have struggled my whole life and I am so saddened by the fact that I will never know why god choose for me such a mentle case. Its not justa mother thing this is a mentle thing where something is seriously wrong with these people. Look up another word Schizoid oh my god what an enigma and this is definitely my mother. I'm sick of trying to figure this out, I'm just going to live my life as I always have. God I pray for those children who areborn to these parents really, what a crises it is and what a disturbing experience it is to be brought up by disturbed people

Yes my mother or a lady I once called my mother was a very jelouse person she always made my life a living nightmare even though I did nothing wrong, and even now as I made my own living with my two children she called cps on me and told them I was physically abusing them I would never hurt my children in a million years, but the case was dropped, and so was she from my life I refuse to speak to her and never want to see her again so yes I can say my mom hates me because no mother would do this sort of thing to her child if she truly loved them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by purple31

yes my mother or a lady I once called my mother was a very jelouse person she always made my life a living nightmare even though I did nothing wrong, and even now as I made my own living with my two children she called cps on me and told them I was physicaly abusing them I would never hurt my children in a million years, but the case was dropped, and so was she from my life I refuse to speak to her and never want to see her again so yes I can say my mom hates me because no mother would do this sort of thing to her child if she truley loved them.

Guess what, its not that your mother hates you as much as she hates herself. This is what the problem is. How can you give what you do not have. Sad but true. Nevertheless life is worth living and there is so much good it is just so sad that we get these parents that really are very hurtfull

Quote:

Originally Posted by skates89us

Nevertheless life is worth living and there is so much good

If you can still say this after being raised by such profoundly "disturbed people", you are headed in the right direction. Courage, friend.

Yes there is good out there, and I am stronger now because of my dispiteful mother I now know how not to raise my children. I am 32 living my own life without her and I am now much happier. I do not have the stress on my shoulder wondering if I am always pleasing her or if I am doing something wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

If you can still say this after being raised by such profoundly "disturbed people", you are headed in the right direction. Courage, friend.

I could never have made it this far if I did not have these beleifs all along. I do have help from friends and support groups and even god when I believe in him. Otherwise it has not been easy. Thank you for the compliment:) I have com to undertsand that it never was me and with that I have forgiven myself for the mistakes I made that where beyond my control. I have considered the past mistakes and broken dreams and I have had to let them go and build anew.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aliasundercover

I'm a mother of 3 grown children. I cannot for the life of me understand why "any" mother would treat her child in that manner. No it isn't normal. Narcissism is more like it.

Absolutley spot on! My mother put the N into Narcissist!

My mother despised me, told me I shouldn't have been born on many an occasion, prevented me from attending school, seeing friends, even attempted to stop me from starting work when I was lucky enough to get a job, albeit low paid as I had no qualifications whatsoever.

This was going back years now, I only wish we had the laws on attending school then like we did now, when I was supposed to be in school the then "school board" had been fazed out, and there wasn't much else.

I left home when I was 16, I'm 38 now and have had nothing to do with her since my dear dad passed away 4yrs ago, although she did attempt to find me when she found out I had moved to a well to do part of the country (she always was a gold digger,and must have thought I'd come into some money)

She tried to trick a friend of ine into giving her my new address, even though my friend had offered to pass letters on to my daughter and me from her.

Good riddance is what I say, just because someone is related to you, does not mean they are a good person, I sometimes wonder how on earth we are actually blood related, she is vile.

Sorry to hear about your mother OP, get on with your own life, you don't need her :)

I will say this and it occurred to me very recently. Think about this very fact that animals do not kill there young and yet there are parents who destroy them. Now oneday, oneday hopefully before I die but probably not there should be put in place a licensing program in which potential mothers and fathers are tested with a battery of detailed and informative psychological tests to determine of they would be fit to be parents. If found not healthy, it would be mandatory for them to attend an educational program with counseling to help them get straight in which they could choose to go or forfeit their desire to be parents. Something of this nature has to be put in place to offset the trerrible burden placed on unloved children in this world
Now secondly for those who struggle to forgive or who have a need to punish there families and take back control this can be a very hard thing to do. If you have been unjustly victimized by the ones who proport to love you and have such a responsibility it is very hard for a sane reasoning person to be able to do this. I came upon such a solution for myself and it may work for you. I have actually written a mock lawsuit against my parents, my mother in particular in which I am suing her for every buit of damage she has caused me. I am not finished writing it yet but il tell you this. It has given me a sense of control over something I actually had no control over. Granted I cannot actually do this but if the day ever comes that it can be done I have mine written and I am ready to defend myself. That alone gives me so much solace.
This truly has been a very carthetic experience for me. I am always very invested in recovery and I have found this to be one very important step for me that came to me one morning when I was in deep pain from an argumnt the night before. It has proven very useful for me and I hope it helps someone else out there who struggles with anger over how they have been treated. It take s a tremendous amount of work to ovrcome this pain and ill do whatever it takes to have a happy normal existence. God bless and touch every soul who suffers the abuse of poor parenting and unloving parents. It truly is the greatest crime that constantly goes unpunished an in many cases is unprovoked and is the source of so much hidden pain in this world. Do everything you need to do to get better. It is worth it.:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by skates89us

It take s a tremendous amount of work to ovrcome this pain and ill do whatever it takes to have a happy normal existence.

I'm sure you speak the truth here. For being willing to do that work, you're a hero in my book.

Quote:

Originally Posted by skates89us

God bless and touch every soul who suffers the abuse of poor parenting and unloving parents.

Amen to that!

Quote:

Originally Posted by skates89us

Do everything you need to do to get better. It is worth it.:)

Encouraging words, and coming from you, believable. Thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

I'm sure you speak the truth here. For being willing to do that work, you're a hero in my book.

Amen to that!!

Encouraging words, and coming from you, believable. Thanks.

Hi there ordinary guy
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Oh it is all true. The horrific up bringing by some very twisted people for sure. I will always love my parents but I will never understand them.
Life could have been a lot better for me, believe it or not I was asked to participate in the NHL lockout as a player replacement by a man who put four individuals into the NHL. I am 19 years sober. I went back to college and got a degree in none other than you guessed it, psychology. I graduated luad with a 3.9. I run my own business and my mother still will not recognize any of my achievements. Is that not amazing or what. Believe me it is truly unreal as far as I am concerned. If I did not have the mental capacity as a child to overcome her hatred I would be dead and should be.
I have some story. I shinned shoes in the bars my father drank at to make money so that I could pay my coach to play Hockey. I can go on and on. Talent was never the issue, I see today that it was support. At 15 I was playing batham hockey and Midget also with the 17 year olds advanced. Here is where the real pain of this miserable experience begins. The nightmares the drinking etc. How I made it through is beyond me but God do I have so much more today. I survived it.

I played minor pro in the early 80s and played some hockey in canada. I had an opportunity to go to Germany as an import player in 1989 ( I could not go with 6 months sobriety regrettably I had to let it go to stay sober) that still annoys me a little bit but more good news to come. I went back to school a mentioned earlier and I graduated college, what a miracle. I could write a book on the ups and downs of my life and maybe oneday I will. It truly has been one of insanity mixed with immense blessings. Imagine your mother beating you with a coat hanger and striking blood or smashing your face into the kitchen sink because you did not like the turnips. She actually broke my front tooth on that one

In 1989 the year I got sober I cracked, that is when the miracle of my recovery began. I don't know what it is within me that kept me going and allowed me to keep the faith but I can say this. Perhaps my faith comes from a place that refuses me to allow myself to hate myself. I always had faith in God and the sacredness of life and my very being. I think that is what it is ultimately. I believed all along in the sacredness of my soul and the inherent goodness in who I was as far back as I can remember.

The accomplishments I have had in sobriety are unreal and let me say this. I never had one ounce of support except for my therapist who saw me when I entered the hospital in feb of 1989. I had everyone against me even my own parents sounds crazy but its true. I know it is because I lived it. My dad never once complemented me and never came to watch me play hockey as a kid except for once. I was captain of my team at 12 years old. Can you imagine what that was like for me when I went to the allstar game as a kid and they had a ceremonial trophy awards and I walked up to the table and when I looked at the trophy I saw my name. Let me tell you that trophy I still have. I was only 12 and my dad was never there for me at all, he needed to drink I guess. I had so much promise and so much hope.

What a strange life I have had and yet what a good one in so many ways. That is why you hear me say to people on this board that recovery is worth it. Of course it is worth it. Every soul is worth it. Ultimately we have too understand that we are unique that there is not one other person in this world like us and that we are all scared. That has been my belief all along and Ill believe it till I die. I am 45 now and I do not have any regrets anylonger except the fact that I ever drank an even that is diminishing. I want to thank you for your compliments. I do not know who you are but I do appreciate them. Hopefully these words and experiences can help someone else to recover from there pain:)

Is everyday perfect, no. Do I still have pain , yes but more than anything else I always hold onto the hope as I did in my youth that tomorrow just might be a better day and maytimes I have found it is. Just like that majical day in 1975 when I went to play an allstar game at St Anthonys and did not even know they would be giving out trophys on that day and when I went over to look at all the gorgious trophys I had no idea that there was one on that table for for me. I had never receieved a personal trophy but I can still remmeber till this veryday how lucky I felt and how gratefull I was to see that there was one with my name on it one for me and it said my name Our lady Of Angels Most Valuable Player. I learned a lot about myself that day. I learned a lot about how my teamates and coaching staff felt about me. Most of all I learned to never quite and the only thing I ever quite on in this life was drinking and that was19 years ago.

I think the incidents you mention show that mothers hate their children. Maybe they just want to hide how messed up they feel.

I haven't read everyone else's ideas... but I wonder if the phenomenon of having children too early plays into this.

If the mothers give up their "independant adult" time because they have children, I think they could resent their children (unfairly) because of this.

It is so important for adults to have that time in their late teens and early-mid twenties (at least) to live their lives, test their limits and have some (responsible) fun... so that when the kiddos start coming into their lives they will not feel like they missed out on their own lives.

I waited to have kids and I feel richer because of that. I have wonderful memories and stories and experiences from that time in my life and I look forward to sharing those stories with my children as they grow up.

Having an identity separate from "mom" is essential to healthy relationships with your children.