Originally Posted by ksatagaj
I have to totally agree. My mom and I had quite a few very loud disagreements when I was growing up- I used to tell my Dad when I was little that I thought she stayed up nights just thinking of ways to make me miserable!
But things change as you get older. You begin to realize all the sacrifices your parents made for you- especially Moms- we are always there for our kids. Both my parents always were. And for my kids- whenever we needed them- it didn't matter to them what time it was. When my ex-husband and I split up, it was my parents who gave me a ring with a tiny heart on it- and a card that made me cry- just to let me know that I mattered to someone!
It is not always easy- either for the parents, or the kids. When I was growing up she had a way of making me feel stupid- in fact, she used to tell me a lot "don't be so stupid"- and my father could do nothing right- no matter what. He always tried to please her, but she has always been controlling, and a perfectionist- no one can do anything right BUT her. And she always favored my brother over me. If I gave her advice, she listened and then ignored it, but if my brother said the exact same thing----that was what she did !
And you know what? None of it matters anymore. Because my mother is in a nursing home with Alzheimers. She still knows me and my brother and my daughter- my brother goes every single day- my daughter and I go 3 times a week. And she no longer walks or talks- just sits and smiles at us like she is so happy we are there. She can say yes or no and she sometimes laughs with us while we watch tv- but I would give anything if I could just have her in my house one more time or take her for a haircut- all the things we all complain about because we are too busy. Moms are busy too, you know- but we take the time- to spend with you, to talk with you, do whatever- if you are lucky. No, not all Moms are like that unfortunately- I am just talking from my own experience. I would give anything to listen again to the same stories she has told me numerous times, or I would be smarter and ask about relatives, experiences, anything that I am unable to ask her now. All I am saying is enjoy your Mom now while you can-and appreciate all that does and all that she is for you, because life is all too short and you can lose it all tomorrow and you will regret it.:)
First off, I do not have a specific answer as to the sabotage or mean spirited words Angela says came from a mom.
But, I can say this: even MOMS are people. And, oddly enough, I think nearly all of the above posters seemed to forget that.... I THINK YOU NEED TO WALK A FEW STEPS IN A MOM's SHOES TO UNDERSTAND HER AND SEE HER FOR WHAT SHE'S DOING AND LOVE HER ANYWAY.
Let me try to explain. You get pregnant let's say it's joyfully on purpose. You are thrilled, you love the baby even before it's a few cells. Everyone around you is SO HAPPY for you. you enjoy 9 months of this attention from others--special parking spaces included. You feel good taking care of yourself--eating well, taking vitamins, seeing our doctor... because you have the increased importance of taking care of now your baby, too. Then whamo, you give birth (not fun, but we Moms all get thru it somehow) and, like I said to my husband when my 1st was born--now we're parents, now what do we do? Your life as you knew it before baby is suddenly changed. You will never again be just YOU. You will be MOM. --For years, in fact, your child won't even know you HAVE another name... And it begins this way: first everyone comes NOT to see MOM but the BABY. I think even in our age of equality of the sexes, MOM is still primary care giver. Mom is always WITH the baby, but suddenly no one notices MOM (like that commercial on TV about the 'invisible Mom feeling') they all come to see and ooh and ahh over the baby. Relatives who once loved MOM now are eager to get cards and letters and complain if there are no pictures of the BABY/young child. (It wouldn't matter if it included recent photo of Mom sky diving, they don't care, they want to see the baby!) For the most part, Moms accept this. They LOVE their babies and probably DO take tons of pictures. They love to just LOOK at their babies, smell their babies, hold their babies. Mom still carefully watches what baby eats, but when MOM is up all night and been pooped on, burped on, cried at for hours she maybe hasn't had a shower in days and eats leftovers from the meal she missed when baby was crying and only Mom could soothe. In toddlerhood it progresses to Mom is ultimate radar detector for baby hazards--she sees knives left on tables, small choke hazards on the floors, poisons in low cupboards. She seeks to protect this offspring that was once inside her, just as her hands once instinctively jumped to her pregnant belly to protect when baby was in there. It probably continues like this for many years until the children are quite grown/independent. Along the way, MOM is still a person. We all have good times/bad times. I suspect the Moms who fail to re-find themselves post-baby or who suffer the only-Moms-know real physical problems of having children: sexual satisfaction changes, adjustments from internal organs being shoved around during pregnancy, cystoceles, rectoceles, uterine prolapses, bladder incontinence, breast changes from nursing, C-section scars, completely body-altering things that oft times women are afraid to speak to doctors about, even husbands about, even other women about. They never give time to taking care of themselves because the children demand at least half their daily waking hours many days. (I call it kids gluing themselves to Mommy's butt) At which point suddenly you are asking a person who has given many years of attention to this little person (effectively subdivided MOM herself as a person among herself and each of her kids) to not be traumatized herself by all this subdivision and invisibleness. Even the best MOMS struggle with this. I dearly LOVE my kids. My own mother I hated until she got Alzheimer's and I became one of her caregivers. I look back now and realize her getting Alzheimer's TAUGHT ME how to be a Mom before I had my kids. My own MOM couldn't have taught me, because she was a mean spirited seemingly hateful Mom. She hated my Dad and told us kids she did. She spent most of my life telling me I should never have kids--that having kids had ruined her life. I found my own path to walk and I chose one directly opposite my Mom's. I would put right with my kids what had once went wrong in my childhood. Yet when she died I took time to write a eulogy because in BEING a Mom myself I had grown to understand MY MOM. Late in life she had a prolapsed uterus repaired. I've had one of my own that I suffered from torturously, embarrassingly, silently until I knew what it was. My own Mom wasn't as well educated as I am, couldn't Google something on the internet to figure it out, didn't have daytime talk shows addressing it. When I had my problems wrapped up inside my head I have yelled at my kids. I've been heck to live with. I've had days when I thought I would just go mad when reality hit me that I couldn't just stop at a quicky-mart for a quicky snack while driving because first I had to stop and unstrap 2 kids from complicated carseats, drag them--sometimes whining--into the store, take one or both to the potty as soon as we get in there, and then get my snack only to have to share it with 2 little moochers who then leave crumbs all over the back seat that I have to clean up. (Ever see a Mom devour an entire chocolate cake in secret? This is WHY!) We spend our lives giving bites to our kids, letting them sit on our laps, jumping everytime we hear them cry for real, trying to figure out which way to go first if 2 kids cry from 2 different directions, waking as soon as they wake, not necessarily when the alarm goes off. MOM is a high-stress job. Find out if bomb techs and firefighters don't have bad habits/more prevalence toward mean/sharp behavior with their kids.
Put it this way: take your very best friend in the whole wide world. Let's say he moves in with you and gives you one giant kick in the crotch that forever changes what you feel during sex. he never apologizes but you love him and forgive him anyway. Let's say for 6 years he gets all the attention from everybody over you. During that time YOU teach him everything he knows. And you respond to his every need--including wiping his butt and spooning food into his mouth. Then have him suddenly leave you and get a new job with lots of new friends, including new best friends. Then eventually have a time or 2 where he does something better than you can do it. And add a time or 2 where he tells you he hates you (I bet every kid on earth had said this once or twice to Mom) HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD REACT? Unless you're a saint, you might feel some resentment, might feel shortchanged, might feel like a fool for giving him so much of your life, but you still love him deeply.
I don't think it's the quality of the person becoming a parent, I think it's your level of understanding/empathizing with the person who is your parent and/or their own ability to adapt to their life situations.
I think Angela and all her adult friends need to take a long hard look at their childhoods, NOTICE the sacrifices--big and small--their Moms have made, and go tell their Moms just how truly thankful they are. or when Mom says, 'so what you're making good grades,' you turn around and say, 'I guess you raised me to be a smart kid, mom.' And then follow it up with noticing something that their MOM has done in life and complimenting it.
So much of what Moms do goes totally unnoticed but is carrried silently within a Mom's heart to her death. Her reward is in heaven. Eeven if YOU didn't notice, I bet God did...
