It's not that the parent hates the child.
This idea of a parent trying to ruin a child's life comes from parents wanting the best for their children. Though parents want the best for their kids, they also don't want to be outshined by their children either. It may be the feeling of insecurity or something. For example in the play [I]Fences[I] by August Wilson, the father, Troy, always talks about having the best for his family and putting his family first. But because of jealousy, he doesn't let his son go to college and play football because, in reality, he never had the chance himself. This is just a literary work but it applies to human nature.

I also agree that any one can plant the seed, but it takes a special person to nurture and care for this young new life. It doesn't stop there. It takes years of unconditional love & support. Even after they are grow and on there own your job still doesn't stop, you always rally in there corner. I don't understand how some parents just give up ? Letting Grandparents raise there children or foster care, because they are too selfish, wanting to have a good time, knowing they have an important role for many years. As in my case even being the best you can be your grown children can turn on you and break your heart in to millions of pieces.

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Originally Posted by Angela_A

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.

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I know what that feels like I have a 4 year old step son who lives with me and his dad his mother only wants to see him when it suits her and she always complains that she's ill all the time but she is out getting drunk all the time, I'm a bit confused at what to do, I am so proud of my step son and would do anyhting for him as I treat him as my own I have raised him since he was 2 and couldn't picture my ife with out him

You are out of your mind! Your babies were not asked to be born. I was not asked to be born and I feel like my cruel parents blamed me for being born. I'm 42 years old and finally realizing that the horrible abuse they smothered me in was not my fault. My parents confined me so much as a baby that I nearly was not able to walk. I didn't walk until I was three years old! My grandmother and aunts came to my parents house and demanded that they take me to a doctor. My stupid father actually pulled a gun on them. My mother hated me and stopped me from ever having any choice about anything in my life. She beat me with switches I had to get from a plum tree in our yard. She hit me, she yelled at me and told me I did not matter. That nothing I could ever think or say mattered. She would get me in the bathtub and "wash" my privates until I cried out. She threatened me with a shot-gun. My father took every opportunity that came my way and crushed it. He sexually abused me from when I was about four until just before I reached puberty. My mother died of being an angry alcoholic all the time but my father is still alive. And I realized last night that he is still trying to take things away from me by twisting the details of my life and lying about me. He is trying to pit my brother and I against each other so that we don't get too close again and realize what a low life creep he really is. I don't know what to do any more. I just want my father out of my life. Amazingly enough all of this is true. I put myself through college and I have a decent job with NO THANKS TO THEM. Please don't blame your babies for being born.

Wondering why,you really have gone through some unimaginable things.every time I read new posts here I just keep getting more shocked than before at how some parents can treat their chidren.and yes they treat you like you were asked to be born and now are a burden.I hope you cut them out of your life at an earlier age so you could move on with your life and love yourself because if you don't know one will.being strong and moving on without selfish and cruel people around you is the best thing you can do for yourself.I have let go of many things my mother did to me because I am not in contact with her anymore.if I were still in contact with her,she would still be doing more things to hurt me and I would still be keeping and building more things in my heart for her and I realised that keeping things in my heart was not going to be very good for me or my health in the long run.so I let go.and I have never regretted it.stay strong and keep your head up and if you believe in God ask Him to help you heal.He will.

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Originally Posted by marie62922

I myself have went through this with my mother. She would call me stupid or she wouldn't make a big deal over my grades in school, but she would make a big deal when my sisters would get good grades. I would have to be the one to clean, work and I was hardly ever aloud out with my friends. I would get hit all the time for reasons I am still clueless about today. I am currently 24 years old and I am doing great for myself and she continues to talk about me. Make up lies about me and just do things to break my heart. I am still loyal to her and I never do anything to hurt her. I just hold everything in and try to forgive her. I just don't understand why she is like this? I have always been a good kid no matter what. I guess I will never know.

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Please look up a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. You desperately need this information. Your mother sounds like a textbook case. I wish you well. You have suffered enough.

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Originally Posted by sexybeasty

I have seen some severe negativity from a mother that works right next to me at my postal job. She is angry with her teen son everyday and is always seeking sympathy for her situation. As a mother myself, I honestly do not understand her beefs. She is angry because her son's car has costly repairs. She is angry because he only has a B average and therefore states she will not pay for college. She is angry because he is chosing sports over a job. She is just plain angry and I am sure the boy knows there is more going on than normal parental concerns.

She is a single parent, and I understand there are concerns. Honestly though, if you aren't willing to cut off your right arm for your children...don't have them. I even heard this particular mother state that her parents love her a lot more than her son. How ridiculous. There are obvious mental problems here.

For children of mental cases such as this, please seek help. This way you can learn how to deal with the lack of love and maybe come to an understanding and find a way to bridge your gaps. Everybody needs a parent, but some people will just have to learn to be their own parents and even go so far as to learn to parent their own mothers and fathers. Sorry. But that may be the only sane answer...that and prayer. Blessings.

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yep there are some mothers who have mentle problems for sure

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Originally Posted by Wondering Why

You are out of your mind! Your babies were not asked to be born. I was not asked to be born and I feel like my cruel parents blamed me for being born. I'm 42 years old and finally realizing that the horrible abuse they smothered me in was not my fault. My parents confined me so much as a baby that I nearly was not able to walk. I didn't walk until I was three years old! My grandmother and aunts came to my parents house and demanded that they take me to a doctor. My stupid father actually pulled a gun on them. My mother hated me and stopped me from ever having any choice about anything in my life. She beat me with switches I had to get from a plum tree in our yard. She hit me, she yelled at me and told me I did not matter. That nothing I could ever think or say mattered. She would get me in the bathtub and "wash" my privates until I cried out. She threatened me with a shot-gun. My father took every opportunity that came my way and crushed it. He sexually abused me from when I was about four until just before I reached puberty. My mother died of being an angry alcoholic all the time but my father is still alive. And I realized last night that he is still trying to take things away from me by twisting the details of my life and lying about me. He is trying to pit my brother and I against each other so that we don't get too close again and realize what a low life creep he really is. I don't know what to do any more. I just want my father out of my life. Amazingly enough all of this is true. I put myself through college and I have a decent job with NO THANKS TO THEM. Please don't blame your babies for being born.

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That is a teriible experience and a demonstration that such evil in parents exist. You should be damn proud of yourself. I had a mom like this no she did not do those things to me but the emotional abuse was ridiculous and she beat the out of me over my dads drinking. What a wackado. Im on this site here because I realize I need help with this at 45 arguing with my mother to this day and taking stuff from you forget it. It's the old saying you cannot give what you did not get. I have struggled emensely to love myself. A mothers love is very important and my mother knows exactly how to stiffle and frustrate me. At least I am not alone and this feels good. I wish you the very best, Oppertunities where stolen from me by my parents no doubt and I have been very angry about it.

Man forget about it. I got on here and listened to some of these stories and it just made my blood boil. My mother by all outward appearances is a sweet innocent woman, everyone loves her and perhaps she really is sweet but with me nothing could be further from the truth. For some reason she just hated me and I have never been able to figure out why. It is so complex and so disturbing to my mentle stat that it has screwed up my thinking and life for many years. Im actually mentally ill from her effects, totally and in the field of psychology it is a well known fact that one can induce memntle illness in another. Take the word depressogenic there are such people who are actually depressogenic and I would have to say both my parents had this effect on me. It is truly depressing. I have struggled my whole life and I am so saddened by the fact that I will never know why god choose for me such a mentle case. Its not justa mother thing this is a mentle thing where something is seriously wrong with these people. Look up another word Schizoid oh my god what an enigma and this is definitely my mother. I'm sick of trying to figure this out, I'm just going to live my life as I always have. God I pray for those children who areborn to these parents really, what a crises it is and what a disturbing experience it is to be brought up by disturbed people

Yes my mother or a lady I once called my mother was a very jelouse person she always made my life a living nightmare even though I did nothing wrong, and even now as I made my own living with my two children she called cps on me and told them I was physically abusing them I would never hurt my children in a million years, but the case was dropped, and so was she from my life I refuse to speak to her and never want to see her again so yes I can say my mom hates me because no mother would do this sort of thing to her child if she truly loved them.

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Originally Posted by purple31

yes my mother or a lady I once called my mother was a very jelouse person she always made my life a living nightmare even though I did nothing wrong, and even now as I made my own living with my two children she called cps on me and told them I was physicaly abusing them I would never hurt my children in a million years, but the case was dropped, and so was she from my life I refuse to speak to her and never want to see her again so yes I can say my mom hates me because no mother would do this sort of thing to her child if she truley loved them.

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Guess what, its not that your mother hates you as much as she hates herself. This is what the problem is. How can you give what you do not have. Sad but true. Nevertheless life is worth living and there is so much good it is just so sad that we get these parents that really are very hurtfull

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Originally Posted by skates89us

Nevertheless life is worth living and there is so much good

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If you can still say this after being raised by such profoundly "disturbed people", you are headed in the right direction. Courage, friend.

Yes there is good out there, and I am stronger now because of my dispiteful mother I now know how not to raise my children. I am 32 living my own life without her and I am now much happier. I do not have the stress on my shoulder wondering if I am always pleasing her or if I am doing something wrong.

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Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

If you can still say this after being raised by such profoundly "disturbed people", you are headed in the right direction. Courage, friend.

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I could never have made it this far if I did not have these beleifs all along. I do have help from friends and support groups and even god when I believe in him. Otherwise it has not been easy. Thank you for the compliment:) I have com to undertsand that it never was me and with that I have forgiven myself for the mistakes I made that where beyond my control. I have considered the past mistakes and broken dreams and I have had to let them go and build anew.

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Originally Posted by aliasundercover

I'm a mother of 3 grown children. I cannot for the life of me understand why "any" mother would treat her child in that manner. No it isn't normal. Narcissism is more like it.

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Absolutley spot on! My mother put the N into Narcissist!

My mother despised me, told me I shouldn't have been born on many an occasion, prevented me from attending school, seeing friends, even attempted to stop me from starting work when I was lucky enough to get a job, albeit low paid as I had no qualifications whatsoever.

This was going back years now, I only wish we had the laws on attending school then like we did now, when I was supposed to be in school the then "school board" had been fazed out, and there wasn't much else.

I left home when I was 16, I'm 38 now and have had nothing to do with her since my dear dad passed away 4yrs ago, although she did attempt to find me when she found out I had moved to a well to do part of the country (she always was a gold digger,and must have thought I'd come into some money)

She tried to trick a friend of ine into giving her my new address, even though my friend had offered to pass letters on to my daughter and me from her.

Good riddance is what I say, just because someone is related to you, does not mean they are a good person, I sometimes wonder how on earth we are actually blood related, she is vile.

Sorry to hear about your mother OP, get on with your own life, you don't need her :)

I will say this and it occurred to me very recently. Think about this very fact that animals do not kill there young and yet there are parents who destroy them. Now oneday, oneday hopefully before I die but probably not there should be put in place a licensing program in which potential mothers and fathers are tested with a battery of detailed and informative psychological tests to determine of they would be fit to be parents. If found not healthy, it would be mandatory for them to attend an educational program with counseling to help them get straight in which they could choose to go or forfeit their desire to be parents. Something of this nature has to be put in place to offset the trerrible burden placed on unloved children in this world
Now secondly for those who struggle to forgive or who have a need to punish there families and take back control this can be a very hard thing to do. If you have been unjustly victimized by the ones who proport to love you and have such a responsibility it is very hard for a sane reasoning person to be able to do this. I came upon such a solution for myself and it may work for you. I have actually written a mock lawsuit against my parents, my mother in particular in which I am suing her for every buit of damage she has caused me. I am not finished writing it yet but il tell you this. It has given me a sense of control over something I actually had no control over. Granted I cannot actually do this but if the day ever comes that it can be done I have mine written and I am ready to defend myself. That alone gives me so much solace.
This truly has been a very carthetic experience for me. I am always very invested in recovery and I have found this to be one very important step for me that came to me one morning when I was in deep pain from an argumnt the night before. It has proven very useful for me and I hope it helps someone else out there who struggles with anger over how they have been treated. It take s a tremendous amount of work to ovrcome this pain and ill do whatever it takes to have a happy normal existence. God bless and touch every soul who suffers the abuse of poor parenting and unloving parents. It truly is the greatest crime that constantly goes unpunished an in many cases is unprovoked and is the source of so much hidden pain in this world. Do everything you need to do to get better. It is worth it.:)

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Originally Posted by skates89us

It take s a tremendous amount of work to ovrcome this pain and ill do whatever it takes to have a happy normal existence.

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I'm sure you speak the truth here. For being willing to do that work, you're a hero in my book.

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Originally Posted by skates89us

God bless and touch every soul who suffers the abuse of poor parenting and unloving parents.

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Amen to that!

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Originally Posted by skates89us

Do everything you need to do to get better. It is worth it.:)

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Encouraging words, and coming from you, believable. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

I'm sure you speak the truth here. For being willing to do that work, you're a hero in my book.

Amen to that!!

Encouraging words, and coming from you, believable. Thanks.

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Hi there ordinary guy
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Oh it is all true. The horrific up bringing by some very twisted people for sure. I will always love my parents but I will never understand them.
Life could have been a lot better for me, believe it or not I was asked to participate in the NHL lockout as a player replacement by a man who put four individuals into the NHL. I am 19 years sober. I went back to college and got a degree in none other than you guessed it, psychology. I graduated luad with a 3.9. I run my own business and my mother still will not recognize any of my achievements. Is that not amazing or what. Believe me it is truly unreal as far as I am concerned. If I did not have the mental capacity as a child to overcome her hatred I would be dead and should be.
I have some story. I shinned shoes in the bars my father drank at to make money so that I could pay my coach to play Hockey. I can go on and on. Talent was never the issue, I see today that it was support. At 15 I was playing batham hockey and Midget also with the 17 year olds advanced. Here is where the real pain of this miserable experience begins. The nightmares the drinking etc. How I made it through is beyond me but God do I have so much more today. I survived it.

I played minor pro in the early 80s and played some hockey in canada. I had an opportunity to go to Germany as an import player in 1989 ( I could not go with 6 months sobriety regrettably I had to let it go to stay sober) that still annoys me a little bit but more good news to come. I went back to school a mentioned earlier and I graduated college, what a miracle. I could write a book on the ups and downs of my life and maybe oneday I will. It truly has been one of insanity mixed with immense blessings. Imagine your mother beating you with a coat hanger and striking blood or smashing your face into the kitchen sink because you did not like the turnips. She actually broke my front tooth on that one

In 1989 the year I got sober I cracked, that is when the miracle of my recovery began. I don't know what it is within me that kept me going and allowed me to keep the faith but I can say this. Perhaps my faith comes from a place that refuses me to allow myself to hate myself. I always had faith in God and the sacredness of life and my very being. I think that is what it is ultimately. I believed all along in the sacredness of my soul and the inherent goodness in who I was as far back as I can remember.

The accomplishments I have had in sobriety are unreal and let me say this. I never had one ounce of support except for my therapist who saw me when I entered the hospital in feb of 1989. I had everyone against me even my own parents sounds crazy but its true. I know it is because I lived it. My dad never once complemented me and never came to watch me play hockey as a kid except for once. I was captain of my team at 12 years old. Can you imagine what that was like for me when I went to the allstar game as a kid and they had a ceremonial trophy awards and I walked up to the table and when I looked at the trophy I saw my name. Let me tell you that trophy I still have. I was only 12 and my dad was never there for me at all, he needed to drink I guess. I had so much promise and so much hope.

What a strange life I have had and yet what a good one in so many ways. That is why you hear me say to people on this board that recovery is worth it. Of course it is worth it. Every soul is worth it. Ultimately we have too understand that we are unique that there is not one other person in this world like us and that we are all scared. That has been my belief all along and Ill believe it till I die. I am 45 now and I do not have any regrets anylonger except the fact that I ever drank an even that is diminishing. I want to thank you for your compliments. I do not know who you are but I do appreciate them. Hopefully these words and experiences can help someone else to recover from there pain:)

Is everyday perfect, no. Do I still have pain , yes but more than anything else I always hold onto the hope as I did in my youth that tomorrow just might be a better day and maytimes I have found it is. Just like that majical day in 1975 when I went to play an allstar game at St Anthonys and did not even know they would be giving out trophys on that day and when I went over to look at all the gorgious trophys I had no idea that there was one on that table for for me. I had never receieved a personal trophy but I can still remmeber till this veryday how lucky I felt and how gratefull I was to see that there was one with my name on it one for me and it said my name Our lady Of Angels Most Valuable Player. I learned a lot about myself that day. I learned a lot about how my teamates and coaching staff felt about me. Most of all I learned to never quite and the only thing I ever quite on in this life was drinking and that was19 years ago.

I think the incidents you mention show that mothers hate their children. Maybe they just want to hide how messed up they feel.

I haven't read everyone else's ideas... but I wonder if the phenomenon of having children too early plays into this.

If the mothers give up their "independant adult" time because they have children, I think they could resent their children (unfairly) because of this.

It is so important for adults to have that time in their late teens and early-mid twenties (at least) to live their lives, test their limits and have some (responsible) fun... so that when the kiddos start coming into their lives they will not feel like they missed out on their own lives.

I waited to have kids and I feel richer because of that. I have wonderful memories and stories and experiences from that time in my life and I look forward to sharing those stories with my children as they grow up.

Having an identity separate from "mom" is essential to healthy relationships with your children.

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Originally Posted by DiaperCakeBecca

I haven't read everyone else's ideas....but I wonder if the phenomenon of having children too early plays into this.

If the mothers give up their "independant adult" time because they have children, I think they could resent their children (unfairly) because of this.

It is so important for adults to have that time in their late teens and early-mid twenties (at least) to live their lives, test their limits and have some (responsible) fun....so that when the kiddos start coming into their lives they will not feel like they missed out on their own lives.

I waited to have kids and I feel richer because of that. I have wonderful memories and stories and experiences from that time in my life and I look forward to sharing those stories with my children as they grow up.

Having an identity separate from "mom" is essential to healthy relationships with your children.

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In Psychology that is a no brainer. It is called indentity foreclosure and this is a problem with women who leave from the family home and just get married. That's why I never date a woman who never left home and lived in her own, no matter how much she claims to love me. My education and degree in psychology has paid to have in so may ways and if you are a young woman stuck at home with mom and dad I suggest you move out and live on your own by yourself for a period

There's a word for it.. its called jelousy

Well, my mother is kind of mean to me. She'll tell me I'm fat. Or tell me that my hair looks terrible, or that my jeans are giving me a muffin top. I'm 5'1" and 117 pounds... I'm normal sized however I have manic depression and social anxiety disorder. At 17 (my current age), my mother got pregnant with me, things were okay, then she had my brother at 19. And after that she ballooned out to being over 200lbs, and she is 5'1" as well. I think she daïs the things she does because she's jealous. I'm not pregnant, so I will be able to comfortably continue my education, I'm in good shape, which is more then she can say. So honestly, I wouldn't say it's hate.. I think she's just purely jealous that I'm a better person that she could have been at 17. Any help in answering?

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Originally Posted by Bural21

Well, my mother is kind of mean to me. She'll tell me I'm fat. Or tell me that my hair looks terrible, or that my jeans are giving me a muffin top. I'm 5'1" and 117 pounds... I'm normal sized however I have manic depression and social anxiety disorder. At 17 (my current age), my mother got pregnant with me, things were okay, then she had my brother at 19. And after that she ballooned out to being over 200lbs, and she is 5'1" as well. I think she dais the things she does because she's jealous. I'm not pregnant, so I will be able to comfortably continue my education, I'm in good shape, which is more then she can say. So honestly, I wouldn't say it's hate.. I think she's just purely jealous that I'm a better person that she could have been at 17. Any help in answering?

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You might be right and with all that turmoil that can be in your head that's a pretty clear and well thought out observation. Has it occurred to her that perhaps she could lose the weight also and instead of being jealous perhaps take a page out of your book and join with you and get a positive affirmation as opposed to be jealous. That is what pisses me off about people. Instead of being happy for you they are jealous it makes no sense

Why would a parent especially a mother be jealous of her own child and blood?it beats me.if anything they have to be proud if their children turned out better than them and know that they did a good job bringing them up and playing a part in their success.but yes,it's true that lots of mothers out there are very jealous of their children especially the daughters.and it might not look like a very serious issue for anyone who has not experienced first hand what some others have gone through but it does make a part of you die permanently although it doesn't mean you have to give up on life.sometimes a friend can always be closer than a relative and be there for you when you need them and love you unconditionally.if family can't give you the love and support you need without criticizing you,making you feel bad always and hurting your feelings at every opportunity then it's better to move on and find someone else who will and believe me,there are good people out there who will make you feel worthy of yourself and not make you feel like a failure and cherish your love for them too.mothers who behave in such unspeakable ways will never change(frome my experience) so giving them a chance in life to do so will only destroy who you are.the fact that they brought you into this world doesn't make you indebted to them in anyway.in short there are some people who shouldn't be allowed to be parents at all.

To answer this question I guess we really don't know why. Some things only God knows. My mother had me at age 14 and my father was 20. I have a really great vivid memory and can remember almost everything that's ever happened in my life like it was yesterday. My parents were very young trying to raise me and I think that has something to do with it. I understand my Mother may have been scorned by the fact that my father cheated on her with many different women and I had to witness all the fights and all the drama between them at a very young age which was hard for me. My mother may have also been abused as a child by her mother which I heard from other family members. I still feel that doesn't give her the right to do the things she does to me and my other little sisters. She calls them out their name constantly and talks down on us constantly and their only age 6 & 8. I feel my mother is mentally retarded. She says she loves us but she always says it so dry and I have a very hard time saying it back. I mean she is very mean and has a evil irritable attidude 24/7. She took me from all my friends in Florida and moved me away with her without warning(tear). She's very hippacritical. She tries to tell others how to parent their kids when she can't even raise her own properly. I strongly dislike her and I feel she is ruining my life. Life is too short as it is and all she wants me to do is stay home and watch my sisters. She's so lazy and is always calling somebody else lazy. I feel she is a lowlife. She is never satisfied with anything and has a bitter heart. She always tries to play the victim and never evaluates herself. I can't blame my father because he has changed as a person. Don't get me wrong he's not perfect. I mean no one is but he is loving and he is a Sunday school teacher and he has chosen God to lead him.

I just wish my mother would just leave me alone and just go on with her life. When I'm away from her I never miss her. Itz just...

This issue is very complex and one that obviously causes lifelong anguish for its victims. My mother spent her high school years as an invalid recovering from a spine injury that left her cripple and late to marry. When she did it was to an abusive husband that she didn't love or respect (rightfully so). They had 7 children and my twin and I are the oldest. Fortunately my twin and I were given away to my grandparents at about 1 year old. My mother was jealous of me but not my twin, she said I had my father's eyes (and therefore assumed I must be like him). She also appears to have made me a scapegoat for her troubles. She made rude comments about me when she visited, for instance, if anything was broken she immediately blamed me even though a younger sister would be standing over the object with me across the room. She would tell my grandmother "See you think she's so perfect and look what she's done." Other quotes are "The only pretty thing about you is your hair." "She deserves to be strangled, she made me let you all stay out late" (that was said as she was beating my twin over the back with a garden hose so she wouldn't interrupt my punishment), "She's cold hearted". And after I was grown and thought that even though we didn't have a mother/child relationship perhaps now we could just be friends, I heard her say to her 2nd husband just prior to knocking on the door, "Why does SHE has to visit us." And when my first book was published and I gave a copy to my siblings her only comment was "Your hair is almost as long as Linda's." This woman also, after six girls, made her son a surrogate husband, nursing him until he was 6 and calling him her "little man" that would protect her. As an adult, every time he found a girlfriend and moved away she called with a crisis (hearing burglars outside) and he moved back into the house. At almost 50 he lives alone (she's in a nursing home).

I understand that people prior to the last 20 years had very little professional guidance for their mental well being or for parenting. Many had horrible childhoods or marriages and had to cope on their own.

My resentment comes from my siblings not understanding why I don't care and thinking that I'm strange and the culprit when my mother now says she wonders why I'm not close to her like the others and she wants to make up. I feel it's her current way of playing "victim" and getting attention at the expense of others (this time me). I've learned to counter with pretending everything is fine and not saying what I really think to my siblings. Only my twin understands because the younger siblings seem to have very few memories of their childhoods and they were all treated with love. She used me as her scapegoat and object of jealousy, and suffocated my brother as her protector.

I am very fortunate that my grandparents raised me and my heart goes out to those who didn't have this lifeline. Due to this I don't hate my mother but I don't love her either and don't feel there is a law that says we owe it to our tormentors.

I agree some mother are really not to be trusted they are fake , not good mother at all , they bring affair ness to children I am still hurt with that trying to focus a mother should be your friend , your confider and everything but some are nasty at that their nature

It is disappointing to see the mothers that don't value their kids. Not everyone can have them. It's a sugar and spice part of life. My step-daughter's mother walked out of her like at a year old. Mind you, this woman has 2 other kids. One older than my step-daughter and the other younger than her. And the grandmother of all these children takes the kids for one night a month. And my step-daughter doesn't get to see her mother. She cries to me about not getting accepted at school. And I know that has a lot to do with her mother not wanting too be apart of her life. I told my step-daughter that I may not be "her mother", but that I will b here for her and I understand her bcause my father never wanted to know me, he still doesn't even after I've made several attemps to b in his life.

I'm not a mom but I know quite a few.

1. Because they don't realize the importance of it.

2. Because they think they are giving the child motivation but don't realize they're sabotaging

3. Because jealously rears it's ugly head

4. Because there's another problem going on and they're transferring it onto the kids.

The list goes on but these are the most common to me

I think we make the mistake of putting parents above human fault. We regard them as mentors, counsellors, unconditionally loving, no matter what we do.

To step back and realize they aren't perfect, and what they say and do is sometimes hurtful and harmful is realizing they are, human, after all. Some are better than others, some discriminate among their offspring, some are just plain mean, some say one thing but really mean another.

Realizing that at the adult stage of your life means you have to just accept them as they are. As an adult, you have to make your own calls, and if knowing that your parent(s) have a negative effect on you, you compensate by knowing that a visit of one hour is okay, but three hours will leave you depressed for a week.

Confronting, or blaming, or expecting them to be different, open and honest once you have reached adulthood and are on your own, is unrealistic. You could spend your lifetime trying to get answers and apologies, and all you've done is waste time.

I agree that people should pass at least some sort of competency test before having children. Just the basics. I work with three young women, single, who all decided to have a baby at the same time. One just had hers yesterday, and the others will soon be following. Babies as a fashion accessory.

It might be a good idea to start a diary to get all that simmering negativity out in the open. As the past rears its ugly head, write it out. How it affects your life, your anger, confusion etc. Write as long, and as much as you have to.

Then, when you are satisfied that you've addressed all these memories and incidents, burn the book.

I never had mom but latley going to co which is really helping me since I started going to cousenling it has help me allot ,change me really happy now.I have cut my mother out of my life because I was giving myself expectation that was never there , something that will never ever happen, I had to grief the mother I never had forever that helps me allot , at least I accept that my mother was never there she had choice gave me away , for 26 years of age I had burden on my shoulder but once , I did what I explain earlier it help me allot I am happy don't want to see her ever as she hurts me all the time she can never be happy for me , she is jealous , and can't accept me for who I am and she envy me allot, but there is no love so I had to move on .I am even glad to share these expiereince with anyone I feel am free though I am focusing on myself now just me just once for all

Good for you Vekaama!

You have been brave enough to learn how to live your life without the guilt and pain of an unloving parent.

It really is grieving isn't it. You grieve for what will never happen. In a way, relationships of all stripes go through the same thing. You have to realize the loss, learn how to cope with it, and move on.

It is good that you've reached a level of confidence and I applaud you for that. Far too many people live their lives in the shadow of 'what should have been'.

Its part off grieve to me due that I had gave myself expectation that one day me and my mom will be mother and daughter I tried to make her life better , help me young sister she raised , help her allot , but all I was getting hurts me self I could never find a mother who accept me , but now I have accepted she will never be there , never was .You could give your kids away but once they come back to find you.Showing you don't care its hurts allot emotional , also a girl not having amom is such a traumatic expeierince and has affect on your moral and everything.But able to indetify theseissued for me and able to deal with I give me self praise it took me 26 years thanks god I can talk about these without being depresss .thnaks allot anyway

I can relate. I was born 10 months after my older sister. It was obvious that I wasn't the favorite daughter. But, as I look back at my childhood, it was always in the shadow of my older sister. Today, I've accepted that my mother was only a person who gave birth to me. She was never a friend or supported me when times were hard or I needed a shoulder to cry on. I was my dad's favorite and I think that is another reason why she hated me. i.e. talk ill about me to family, friends and associates when I'm not around. Blame me for her shortcomings, etc. I'm now in my mid 40's and I've grown to forgive her but yet stay away from her. It's too bad, cause she lost out on a really loyal and cool daughter.

First of all, thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences. It is good to know I am not alone!

I am coming to terms with the fact that my mother hates me. I have spent my whole life trying to maintain a relationship with her, but I have finally decided to move on.

I used to always look at things from her perspective, and feel for her and the difficulties in her life, and believe she did the best she could with what she had. But I was only kidding myself to spare the pain of the truth.

She was mean and cruel to me. She treated me like a slave, my whole life was centered around her needs. She berated the way I looked, walked, and talked. She flew into rages and beat me. I am just starting to sleep most nights, after over twenty years of insomnia - such was the terror that woman instilled in me.

I think she was jealous of me. I still think she is.

I finally moved far far away from her, and my dad, who could care a less either. Now that I am in a safe place far from her clutches and her negative perspective on me - I am beginning to heal. And all of the forgiveness I had before had vanished. Now I am angry. I have children of my own, and they are the most precious things in my life. I am proud of them, and I know they are better than me. When I think of the things my parents did to me and my brother and I look at my kids the same age, I want to smack my parents back to the stone age.

They have no remorse for anything they did. They were the perfect parents and we were the ungrateful kids. In truth they were a couple of low life drunks who could not be othered to keep us fed or supervised. Mean spirited, cruel s.

I am glad I moved so far away, and I don't care if I ever see them again.

The funny thing is I used to work in nursing homes and I would always be stunned by all of the people just left there and forgotten. I would think, how could you abandon your own parents? There is no way I could ever do that! Now my perspective has changed. I don't see any reason to give up my life, that I have had to fight tooth and nail for, to ever help them. They have never helped me, unless you consider birthing me - and I did not ask for that. Oh and I had to hear how she should have had an abortion because I ruined her life. Well maybe you should have kept your legs closed!

If these relationships are damaging to you or driving you crazy, remove yourself. Stay away from people who make you feel bad.

My mother was cruel to me and I moved 3,000 miles to get away from her. I think she is depressed, insecure, and angry about herself and she took it out on me. It's a form of bullying. I don't think she even realizes what she's doing and I think she would say she was a good mother who did "everything" and she did do all the required things, driving me place to place, feeding me, vounteering at the school, but I think she hated every minute of it for her own reasons. Being a mother is hard, hard work and if someone isn't cut out for it, then I think certain types of people just crack. My mom did. I am so proud of myself, I have broken the cycle (by all accounts)

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Originally Posted by Crabby Apple

First of all, thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences. It is good to know I am not alone!

I am coming to terms with the fact that my mother hates me. I have spent my whole life trying to maintain a relationship with her, but I have finally decided to move on.

I used to always look at things from her perspective, and feel for her and the difficulties in her life, and believe she did the best she could with what she had. But I was only kidding myself to spare the pain of the truth.

She was mean and cruel to me. She treated me like a slave, my whole life was centered around her needs. She berated the way I looked, walked, and talked. She flew into rages and beat me. I am just starting to sleep most nights, after over twenty years of insomnia - such was the terror that woman instilled in me.

I think she was jealous of me. I still think she is.

I finally moved far far away from her, and my dad, who could care a less either. Now that I am in a safe place far from her clutches and her negative perspective on me - I am beginning to heal. And all of the forgiveness I had before had vanished. Now I am angry. I have children of my own, and they are the most precious things in my life. I am proud of them, and I know they are better than me. When I think of the things my parents did to me and my brother and I look at my kids the same age, I want to smack my parents back to the stone age.

They have no remorse for anything they did. They were the perfect parents and we were the ungrateful kids. In truth they were a couple of low life drunks who could not be othered to keep us fed or supervised. Mean spirited, cruel s.

I am glad I moved so far away, and I don't care if I ever see them again.

The funny thing is I used to work in nursing homes and I would always be stunned by all of the people just left there and forgotten. I would think, how could you abandon your own parents? There is no way I could ever do that! Now my perspective has changed. I don't see any reason to give up my life, that I have had to fight tooth and nail for, to ever help them. They have never helped me, unless you consider birthing me - and I did not ask for that. Oh and I had to hear how she should have had an abortion because I ruined her life. Well maybe you should have kept your legs closed!

If these relationships are damaging to you or driving you crazy, remove yourself. Stay away from people who make you feel bad.

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So sorry to hear you experience with your mother and yes you're not the only one and I think you made the right decision to get away from her else she would have dragged you down with her.same as me,I will never see her again but when I have kids of my own I will do everything in my power not to become my mother.I hope your wounds heal in time because I know how hard it can be to let go,but I realize that if you let go it's always easier to live a happy life instead of being angry about the past.you cannot change the past but you can change your future by letting all the pain,hurt and anger go and staying away from those people who put you down.AND YES IT FEELS REALLY GOOD TO LET GO OF ALL THE ANGER AND PAIN IN YOUR HEART. Those people didn't know the wonderful person you are and who the lost and it's their loss at the end of the day.stay blessed!

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Originally Posted by Bugbee

My mother was cruel to me and I moved 3,000 miles to get away from her. I think she is depressed, insecure, and angry about herself and she took it out on me. It's a form of bullying. I don't think she even realizes what she's doing and I think she would say she was a good mother who did "everything" and she did do all the required things, driving me place to place, feeding me, vounteering at the school, but I think she hated every minute of it for her own reasons. Being a mother is hard, hard work and if someone isn't cut out for it, then I think certain types of people just crack. My mom did. I am so proud of myself, I have broken the cycle (by all accounts)

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From your experience it sounds so similar to mine and others here.my mother also reminded me that she's doing everything for me,like clothing,food and shelter,but even though she provided for me basically she treated me like crap and just like you I have promised myself never to be my mother.I just cannot see myself treating my kids so cruelly

Most mothers don't hate their children. They may hate what they do or say. They may hate that their children do not live up to their potential. Mothers often inherit a legacy of perceived or actual abuse from their parents and don't know how to break the cycle. Do your best to repair the relationship before she dies or you will regret any misunderstandings of the past. Hope this helps someone.