Ask Me Help Desk - Need help with a 16 year old daughter dating a 22 year old man

HomeGirl:
positiveparent, I don't know why you saw fit to give me a reddie today from my post almost two weeks ago when you know I corrected my post after I found out the op was in the UK.
The advice was not incorrect based on the knowledge at the time.

In regards to the above taken from your earlier post I did not realise I had given you a "reddie" I do not know what a " reddie" is, and of course I accept that those who live in other countries do not know how we are in England, I apologise if I offended you it was not my intention to do so.

My Apologies for any offence caused sincerely.

As we have established there is no legal recourse. At 16 if your daughter decides to move out and live with the guy there is nothing you can do. Not everyone would agree that this is appropriate at this age but that's how it is. I remember reading about a young girl going to live with a 49 year old who had been her teacher and feeling sorry for the family: Girl of 16 moves in with her 49-year-old RE teacher then informs parents by email| News | This is London
I have included this to share a little bit with our non-Brit friends of how hard it is for parents of this age here.

You could try banning this but in practical terms how exactly would you ensure this was enforced? You can't exactly ground her forever. You already know that she will probably see him behind your back. In the UK, governmental lead and cultural shift has led to a generation of young people who are strong at demanding their rights and can sometimes be very difficult. Good things have come out of the increasing view that children should be heard and their views count but I do think it isn't properly balanced and adults' options for trying to discipline and protect children have diminished.

I can fully understand how frustrated you must feel. I can also understand where our lovely USA advisors are coming from. However I feel that in practical terms what would work in the USA simply wouldn't here.

We may feel that at 16 our children are children but the law and current culture puts them in an awkward half-way place where they have most, but not all, the rights of an adult but are still expected, though not required, to continue their eductation. Even when my son was 21 his university loans were based on our ability to help him financially even though we have no say in his actions as an adult. So we parents have to treat them like adults but support them like children. Not always ideal.

In some respects she is still your little girl. Your heart wants to protect her but you have to use your head. Since the things you might want to do will probably not work you have to find a compromise situtation.

If you take the 'not while you live unde my roof' stance then you run the risk of her deciding to move out. It is your choice whether you are willing to do so.

I can remember when my daughter was 16 how she felt much more adult than I considered her to be, but the law supports her and the media and cultural norms reinforce her view. I wasn't prepared to butt heads with her and push her away by trying to be as controlling so I had to get her on-side and treat her as an adult, get her to accept advice rather than rules, whilst at the same time she was financially dependent like a child. Not fair on us parents but it was much better than having her leave home in a huff and abandon her education. She's 21 now and she has turned out great.

Whatever you decide is the way forwards I wish you and your daughter well.

"adults' options for trying to discipline and protect children have diminished."

How very true that is here in Canada as well.

There is a general assumption that children should have more power and influence over their parents, to the point of control. Case in point- discipline. Too many toll free numbers, and too many well educated teenagers know exactly what to do to put the official heat down on their parents' heads when they do not wish to be disciplined.

It is devastating to be considered an abusive parent, or be accused of being abusive toward your teen, because you are left answering to the authorities, and you have no choice in the matter.

I still maintain that a parent is a parent. Not a buddy, not a girlfriend, nor a dictator or authoritarian to extremes.

We are talking about a woman who's question was, 'need help with a 16 year old daughter dating a 22 year old man', and it has been generally established that the parent does not think it is appropriate, and wishes to stop it if she can. She had already tried once.

That is her call, her decision, and her being a parent, doing what she thinks is in the best interest of her child. If what she wants to do is continue to guide her daughter, and avoid almost certain pitfalls and dangers with the child being in a relationship with a 22 year old man, who are we to say that cultural or any other difference means she can't do that, or that she won't be successful if she tries.

Not all 16 year olds are mature for their age, or cognizant of the meaning and intent of laws, or cultural norms. Not to say some aren't, but it is the mother's call on what to do about it.

It doesn't matter what country you are in.

I fully agree with almost all you say Jake.

I would however say that where you live does have some bearing on how successful different strategies are likely to be.

For example, here in the UK, not only do 16 year olds have the right to leave home but the benefit system works in such a way that I know many who have done so, who end up in subsidised housing and living on benefits without ever doing a day's work. That would simply not be an option in many countries. Also, teens get pregnant and get put to the top of the housing list as unmarried mums and are given a house and money, and in many cases those on benefits have more cash than the lower paid workers.

This might seem a bit off-topic but if the state rewards young people for doing what their parents don't want them to it does make things difficult. Throw in the fact that kids are practically told they run the whole show and free advice to make sure they get to know their rights and many of them do go off the rails since they are given all the freedom with little responsibility.

I can only give advice on what I have personally seen work or not but of course it is absolutely the OPs call. I'm not suggesting the guidance stops but that it is delivered in a way that is more likely to be accepted and taken on board by a child who has more power in this situation than might actually be good for her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SHARON77

my 16 year old daughter is dating a 22 year old man he lives next door and he is a bum he has no job and doesn't even leave his house only to sign on to get his benefits she was dating him when she was 15 and i thought i put a stop to it and as soon as she went 16 in April this year they got back together she has been very sly i found out by coming home early and catching them kissing

Hi my name is clare and the same thing has happened to me, my daughter we found was in a relationship with a 26year old man we believed that both him and his aunty groomed our daughter over a period when she was as young as 14-15 and we attempted to stop this there was constant police involvement, social services and child protection, due to my concerns and during all this the man went out and sexually assaulted a 14 year old friend to our daughter he said make her jealous from this happening we thought that the relationship would end however he had manipulated my daughter for that long she has left home and is now living with him and his aunt.