Ask Me Help Desk - Parent sleeping with children

It is complicated, I certainly agree. But, how do we define a parent or step-parent, in relation to any parent, in this particular child's life.

While I agree that the father needs to step up here and back up his mate, he is caught between a rock and a hard place, and all the adults are floundering while little missy rules both roosts.

Looking from the outside in, I see no success for changing the behaviour of this little girl, now or in the future, (I think we are only seeing the beginning of what is likely to become a long list of issues), without all the adults being equal in input and decision making. I don't see one as being more authoritative than the other; all have equal responsibilities toward the goal of raising a healthy child.

I do think Liz, and Slingshot, that we all agree that the adults need to tackle this head-on, and put their differences aside. It can be done. Even if all the adults can agree that each has a genuine, equal say in how the parenting is to take place, a common ground will avoid so much heartache in the future.

While the father has to step up, what is to say that the two women can't get together- is that possible? Maybe with some mediation, or unbiased third party?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

It is complicated, I certainly agree. But, how do we define a parent or step-parent, in relation to any parent, in this particular child's life.

Alrighty. I have a lot of respect for your opinion and agree on everything else. So I'll just agree to disagree on whether she can be a parent in this case without actually being married to the child's father.

However, I think your idea of the ladies getting together is an excellent one. I hope that when my ex-husband remarries, his new wife will be willing to cooperate with me. She can have my ex-hubby (and I'll thank her for it if she makes him happy) but I want to make sure that our child has consistency in all of his houses.

Ok. I can now feel at peace with the consensus of this thread. :D

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

When I was younger I slept with my parents. Only because my father was in the army and I loved when he was home but hated when he was gone. So when he was home I tried to soap up as must time as possible with him. Of course this made my mom furious, now I understand why, and she used to kick me out her bed when possible. mom used to say "go to your own room with your own bed and my dad would say "let her stay". My dad never did anything out the ordinary to me I was just a daddy's girl.

However, I think this girl don't like you because if she preferred for him to sleep on the couch then with you, this proves the point. However, I think this is the father battle and he needs to set boundaries and deal with the issue with you by his side. Right now she sees you as the enemy and her view of you needs to change. Also, keep in mind that you never know what she's hearing from the mother, if anything.

But for now your fiance need to step up but he won't do that because he sees nothing wrong so before he can or willing to do anything his views on the issue at hand must change. Until then nothing will change or be done. So you can scream and shout all you want but in the end nothing will change. Change starts with the father.

Thanks for the reply, but this weekend has made a world of difference. We sat down with her and found out it isn't severe divorce trauma, jelously issues with me, and nothing "bad "per say happened to her. Even being the outsider pushing resolution issues on this matter, we at least found a reason for the unusual behaviour from her. Her mother has been pretty much ignoring her and leaving her at friends houses sometimes 3-5 days at a time without her dads knowledge, while she enjoys her new found single freedom. I guess that has been making her worry that her dad would start doing the same. So my pressure on this issue has worked, and dad doesn't have to feel guilty for causing any of this on his part of a divorce. His daughter and I do have a nice relationship, she's just worried we'll start forgetting about her too. So I guess I'm not really a evil future step parent as some have accused, I was concerned and now the problem can beging to be resolved. Will I step up in the future when unusual behaviour occurs? Absolutley! And we don't have to be worried about being accused of pedifillia in this house, as a natural reaction is to a dad sleeping with a 12 year old, cause she understands now its not appropriate and daddy still loves her very much. He's a good father and would never do anything to hurt her in any way.I guess even though I don't have the so called legal paper work that tells me I have a right to care, I still will continue to do so. Thanks for the input.

AWSOME, you stuck with it and you found out. You are a better woman than most to understand and not get your feelings hurt over this. You were the ADULT an she stayed the CHILD... you did a wonderful job. I am proud o you:)

It is a sticky wicket.

I wish I knew the little girl well enough to know that she hasn't suddenly developed a very effective hammer to wedge between her father and his new mate.

On the flip side, perhaps there is something manifesting here that needs addressed regarding her behaviour. What else has gone on- trouble at school, with friends as well?

What I cannot quite get is how anything constructive will happen when all three adults are not with the same program. If the father/mother/daughter were to receive help and/or decide on a course of action, where does that leave the step-parent. If the step parent and mate decide on a course of action appropriate to their circumstances, where does this leave the mother.

And we are only addressing opinions on one current 'new' problem with the bed thing. What happens with the next issue, or any issue for that matter.

I cannot see how one adult can be exempt from being equally involved.

What am I missing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whoknowsit

thanks for the reply, but this weekend has made a world of difference. we sat down with her and found out it isnt severe divorce trauma, jelously issues with me, and nothing "bad "per say happened to her. even being the outsider pushing resolution issues on this matter, we at least found a reason for the unusual behaviour from her. Her mother has been pretty much ignoring her and leaving her at friends houses sometimes 3-5 days at a time without her dads knowledge, while she enjoys her new found single freedom. I guess that has been making her worry that her dad would start doing the same. so my pressure on this issue has worked, and dad doesnt have to feel guilty for causing any of this on his part of a divorce. his daughter and i do have a nice relationship, shes just worried we'll start forgetting about her too. so i guess im not really a evil future step parent as some have accused, i was concerned and now the problem can beging to be resolved. will i step up in the future when unusual behaviour occurs? absolutley! and we dont have to be worried about being accused of pedifillia in this house, as a natural reaction is to a dad sleeping with a 12 year old, cause she understands now its not appropriate and daddy still loves her very much. hes a good father and would never do anything to hurt her in any way.I guess even though i dont have the so called legal paper work that tells me i have a right to care, i still will continue to do so. thanks for the input.

Did you see this post? She is identifying the problem!

Quote:

Originally Posted by whoknowsit

she understands now its not appropriate and daddy still loves her very much. hes a good father and would never do anything to hurt her in any way.I guess even though i dont have the so called legal paper work that tells me i have a right to care, i still will continue to do so. thanks for the input.

Great news. One doesn't need any legal paperwork to have a right to care about another sentient being. However, not having the legal paperwork, may inhibit what you can do about it.

Thank you StartOver22,

I did miss that post!

Really happy that it has all worked out. :D