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Sorry I would have to agree with this poster, and would have to let her call whoever, after some well deserved disipline.
Since you refuse to send her to her dad, which is your best option, that should be done first, and deal with the rest later.
PLEASE NO MORE EXCUSES WHY YOU CAN'T. JUST DO IT.
I went through 7 years of counseling. And I have been to counseling with my daughter. I left home at 18 and never looked back. I recognized what was wrong early on in my childhood and I was away from home or in my room. I worked from age 11. I got out every chance I could. I never broke the rules in my house. I was always home before curfew. I never broke the law and I was afraid of my daddy.
I understand where you are coming from and I battled with the same issue. I have been trying to fix my daughter. I have spent hours and hours with her just one on one. She refuses to follow any rules and tells me that she can do what she does because she wants to. I have asked her what is wrong. I have asked her what I am doing wrong. If I don't spend enough time with her, if she is jealous of her brothers etc. She says "I just want to play and have fun all the time. I don't want to follow rules, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to bed."
I can't spank her because CPS says if I do I will go to jail. My mother has called them on me about 4 times now. I can't threaten my child either because that is assault and considered child abuse. I HAVE RESEARCHED AND CALLED EVERY LAWYER IN THE PHONE BOOK! They all tell me the same thing. I CANNOT put my hands on my children. I CANNOT threaten my children. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING!!
I am not saying that it is all someone else and not at all me. I know I screwed up somewhere along the line. First off I allowed a relationship to be established to begin with. But I thought they would be different with her than me. I have 6 brothers and sisters. NONE OF THEM HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER NOW EITHER! (and for their own reasons, not because of my issues) She didn't get this crazy until I walked away completely. Then she lost my dad and now she is just nuts.
AND I have been praying for 3 years now.
AND I don't blame her. I blame the system. She knows I love her. She knows I am upset and why. She knows all of it. She doesn't blame me either. She says she isn't mad at me. She just wants to do what she wants and sdoesn't know why she shouldn't be able to. She doesn't want to follow any rules until she moves out. Then she only has to follow the laws. And if she decides to break them she will just have to go to jail and deal with it. I mean COME ON!!
I have been trying to fix it. I don't know what else to do. I have reached a point where it's me standing against a wall with my two sons in either arm and her between me and the law and my mother. I'm trying to hold on and they just keep trying to pull her away, the worst of it is that she is fighting me too instead of trying to hold onto me. At what point do you finally let go? Tell me that. Should I go broke and homeless and then lose all three just trying to keep one? That can't be the answer. It can't be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by achampio21
What you should do is allow them to take your children and get the help that you need and then work your way to getting them back. Seriously!
I really wish that we could fast forward to when your other sons are older and we can see whether they display the same issues. What I am saying to you that you continue to over look is that you have to own this situation. I don't suggest they take them away as a punishment to you, but as a time out for you to get the help that you need so that you can be the Mom that I hear you wanting to be. The two year battle you had with your mother indicates there is a lot there that needs to be fixed. If your mom was crazy it wouldn't have been a battle... the courts would see that and only allow supervised visits or something. Point being... look within instead of pointing the finger at anyone else. She has only spent time with your mother, she lives with you. She's your daughter. Fix it.
Okay, wait a minute.
We all have our faults. ALL OF US! Does she deserve to have her kid's taken away because of it? NO!
Could there be some changes? YES. But come on! Have you read through all of the pages. This person can pin point when the trouble started. She is making steps to help her child.
Lighten up a little!
Now, I understand why you haven't sent her to live with dad, because of the money.
But - come on now, if you get the money - return it to him. Simple as that.
I have a 7 year old. There are days that I just want to throw my hands up and ask - "WHERE IS MY ANGEL?? - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER???"
She is testing me and pushing me more and more. She is moody and gets upset when things don't go her way. I have talked to a lot of mom's that have daughter's that age - believe it or not - we are all going through the same thing!
I don't know if you have gotten to the point of giving up, if not here are some simple suggestions. Not a fix or anything, but things that have worked with me and my diva.
* I try not to be "my way or no way" all the time. I am more careful about what battles I pick.
* SHe had decided she likes to cook (scary for me - seems to many dangers) so, she does, supervised of course! She plans what she wants to cook, she does most of the work and she is PROUD of herself when she is done. Most of what she has created is pretty tasty!
* I am learning to compromise more. She is a growing girl, with a growing mind and opinion. I am not suggesting you give in all the time - we don't. But what we do is LISTEN to what she is telling us. Decide if it is something we can live with and then discuss it. She has responded very well.
* We also have cut out buy things for her. She has grown to expect it (that braty syndrome) so, now any "extras" she has to save her own money (earned with chores) and get them herself.
Anyway, I know these are not a fix to your problem, but it may help in getting through a day.
Good Luck.
An update...
I spoke with her father on Friday. He is willing to have her come and live with him. I never REFUSED to let her live with him. I have been WAITING on him. He had to discuss it with his wife. He said okay. Now we have to get the legal paperwork out of the way.
After the decision was set in stone, I told my daughter. Her whole attitude changed. Now she says she doesn't want to leave. She loves me and wants to stay with me. But the decision is made.
And one more thing... I hope you are still on this board when my sons get older. So I can show you that I am not making excuses. When my daughter is at school or gone on visitations I don't have ANY problems out of my sons. I really hope I can prove to you in about 5 years that I am right when I say the only problems my daughter and I have is my mother and her emotional and mental influence on her.
Thank you for the positive response. I am the one living with this issue. I really appreciate all of the helpful tips. My daughter gets money for chores like you said and I take her once every other week to the store with me. Just her and I and she gets to pick out whatever she wants. I compromise by letting her decide what she want for breakfast lunch and soemtimes dinner like you said. She picks out her own chlothes and she gets to decide what extracurriclular activities she does. I also send money with her to her girls club and let her spend it on whatever she wants. I let her help with setting the table and doing dishes. My daughter likes to help clean like yours likes to help cook :)Quote:
Originally Posted by NowWhat
She is NOT a bad kid. But she has this mindset now that if I tell her to do something she doesn't want to do she thinks she can tell me no and not do it and I can't make her. But I have told her father all of this. He agrees that by our daughter living with him that takes away my mothers power. Because she isn't his mom.
Thank you again. I wish you the best of luck. Enjoy every second with your child.
You know, my daughter does the same thing! If she hears something she doesn't like - then she tells us NO! We don't put up with it. I think my kid is going to be a fine lawyer one day! SHe will debate and argue over anything. We have had to really put some serious rules down.
But it is so frustrating. There are days that I feel like all I do is yell at her. I hate that. Because she IS a good kid too! SHe is loving and kind. But this new phase, it may drive me crazy.
The teenage years scare me!
LOL! I really know where you are coming from. I feel so guilty about yelling at her, because she doesn't know what is going on all around her. All she knows is what she sees and hears and can relate to. She honestly thinks misbehaving and not following my rules is okay. I hate that I have to yell at her and punish her just like you said, but I know if I don't she will only get worse and walk all over me.Quote:
Originally Posted by NowWhat
But she is going to go live with her biological dad. I think that will be really great. She hasn't really got to have a good relationship with him and she wants it REAL bad. Besides my mother won't have any power with him. She's my mom not his. And she will get to be around her cousins and aunts and uncles and other grandparents all the time now. I think it will be great. I know that she doesn't get all the attention she should get here with me. I work nights and she has to share her time with 2 other kids. She is really excited about it now. She told me she just wants to make sure she will get to see me and her "old" family (that's what she calls us now, since real daddy is "new" family :rolleyes: ) I have also decided to sit her down around 16 or 17 and talk to her woman to woman. If she wants to see any of the legal stuff involving my mother I will let her. I want her to know that I am doing this because I think she is going to be way more happy.
Thank you again for the positive suggestions and comments.
I probably won't post on this board again. I am tired of all the rude and demeaning people.
I know I am not a bad parent. I could be like a lot of mom's and quit my job, live on welfare, smoke pot, shoot heroine, and sleep with men for money to support my drug habit. But I Don't. I work for a living. I keep my house immaculate. I cook big meals every day. I have a loving and hard-working husband. So anyone that thinks I need to just give my kids up are the one's that need to go to the counselor. My kids have it tons better than millions of kids. And I am not going take a hit below the belt and start feeling crappy because one person thinks they are a save the freakin world social worker.
Have a good day Now What. And good luck with that "big kid". I hope yours brings you tons of joy and laughing until you both pee your pants!! :D
Never said I refused. I was waiting on him.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
And I TOTALLY agree with discipline, spare the rod spoil the child, but I can't risk going to jail when I have a job and 2 other babies and a husband to think about.
Letting them take your kids is not a good idea as Msmewiththat said because they get caught up in the system and the children's services play games to make it impossible to get them back. You can't just say you want them to take your kids to get them help either because I tried to get something done with my son to be proactive and they said he is your kid he is your problem you have to work through it. But once they do decide to take them then it can be impossible to get them back. Also they can give you a time limit and terminate your rights if you don't have everything resolved within the time.
I think for now the best thing is dads.
I do truly agree, I just think some of this mickey mouse OP should take ownership of. Kids don't just decide at 7 that they want to be the biggest thorn in their parents side without some misdirection or lack of attention, love something. As the story continues to unfold, I regret stating that she should have the authorities take her children away. It wasn't a fair statement for me to make. However, I made it with the mindset that this woman isn't able or willing to fully acknowledge some things that are potentially going on. Perhaps isn't or hasn't paid full attention to what is causing all of this pain in the first place.
What is going on with her daughter?
Well let's see, we have a mother and a grandmother duking it out for years. Then we have new siblings in the mix, then we have a Dad that isn't totally around and custodial mom that works evenings and this 7 year old is left with step dad and brothers while mom is at work. The list does in fact go on... So when I stated that she herself needs a little help I meant it. Mom has to look inside the circle rather than casting her stones outside the circle. The other day the daughter didn't want to leave the house and today she writes that she is almost excited to leave and live with her "new" family. WHAT HAS Happened TO THIS LITTLE GIRL? What is so bad that she is willing to leave her home as she knows it. That is why I got upset. It's very sad in my opinion.
Often parents are in denial what is going on with their kids and let them get away with murder, but with my son and many other stories I have heard more kids are starting to have emotional and mental problems and it is nothing to do with parenting. My son was one of the first back years ago but it is all too common now. Back then people use to think I was a bad parent because of him but then why were my other three kids fine? By the time my son was around 9 I was watching day time shows about kids with ADHD and even upper middle class two parent families were having the same problem. The one couple had a really nice house in a subdivision and they said they were afraid to go to sleep at night and had to hide their kitchen knives because their aggressive 2 yr old daughter was grabbing knives and acting like she was actually killing her teddy bears.
There is something wrong with a lot of kids today and it isn't always the parents.
Mickey Mouse here. ( but since I am a female I think it would be Minnie Mouse :D) Just thought I would tell you that my daughter wants to leave my house and go live with her dad because she barely knows him and she thinks he will let her do whatever she wants. I told her that he will have rules too. But she still thinks it will be more "fun" with him. Besides, he has a really great mom and dad and brothers and sisters. I don't have any of that. Her father and I have already talked and if her behavior doesn't change after a few years with him he agreed to take her to a doctor and have her tested for any medical problems. She isn't dangerous per say but I do think she has some emotional issues.
I have NEVER said that my daughters problems aren't my fault too. But the reasons that she would have emotional instability from me is because she was an only child with no man or brothers or sisters to take my attention from her. She had my 100% attention everyday. When I got with my husband she just started school. So that elimintated time away from me and introduced someone new for mommy to pay attention to into her life. Then I got pregnant. Now 3 people to share me with... new boyfriend(husband), job, and new baby. Then I got pregnant again. 4 to share!! She went through some MAJOR changes very fast. Most of her problems stem from not being the center of attention anymore. I am almost positive that she does all the things she does to get attention, even if its bad attention. That's why she is back and forth about leaving. She wants to, but doesn't want to. (She's a girl for crying out loud!! ) you can't tell me that even as grown women you don't change your mind 15 times about a lot of things. And to top it all off in the middle of her adjusting to her new family we had to move to a bigger house and away from her friends and I eliminated grandma out of the picture. The only other person that spoiled her horribly rotten. SO YES, it is a lot of my fault. But...
My daughter went 2 years without seeing my mother and had adjusted VERY well. No problems from her but the usual little fits that all kids give you. She was getting straight A's and loved her new brothers. But when the judge awarded my mother visitation is when everything changed. From the very first visit is when I noticed a different little girl. AND THAT IS WHY I BLAME MY MOTHER FOR THIS Result.
I had a really good thing going. My daughter had figured out that having a "full-time daddy" and 2 little brothers to play with all the time was actually pretty cool. To be honest she decided to call my husband daddy all on her own. She said she wanted to call him that because she wanted her mommy and daddy to live together. He agreed. We were a beautiful happy family. I worked nights then too by the way. So there you have it in a nutshell.
To the poster, from reading your posts you sound like a mother that cares. There's a lot of mothers that don't care and would have done nothing to help their child, where you've turned down many avenues. Your daughter is young now but when she gets older she will thank you. I thank you and praise you for not throwing in the towel. Keep doing what you doing and don't worry about your kids being taken away and that's was mean for the person who wrote that to even suggest that. You don't seem like a bad person but was only looking for another outlet on what to do with an unruly child, it's no harm. More people should do this. Just don't give up. I wish you well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by achampio21
I see you really still don't get it. I don't think you should wait a couple of years. No time like the present. Passing her back and forth and having her around "these men she barely knows" isn't the greatest for a little girl. I'm not saying you're a bad person, just tighten things up for the sake of your little girl. You can't see any part of the forest between these trees?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsMewiththat
Well, considering neither I nor her real father believe in medicating (tranquilizing) a child just so they will behave, I do not agree with you. Too many parents are turning to drugs right off the bat before trying to fix the problem without drugs. I don't want my girl to be dependent on meds for the rest of her life just because she thinks she has to be. I would rather her work through these issues with help from her father and I and know in the future that she can make it through anything without the use of mind altering drugs. But if you think that pilling a kid up and sitting them in front of the TV 8 hours a day, because they can't function to do hardly anything else, is okay then that is your easy way out. Not mine. But then again you think I should just get rid of my kids all together. So I don't think you have any good advice to give. Seems to me you are the type to take the easiest way out of your problem situations. I like to fight for the one's I love.
And I'm not sure where you get off saying I'm passing her back and forth. Or where you thought it necessary to use the plural version of "men"like she has had 20 or something. She has only had 2 men in her life. And that is all. She has lived with me from birth to now. I say she barely knows her father because she has only had minimal visits with him, but yes she knows him and his wife and their son and his mom and dad and his brother and his wife and their kids and her other cousins and other aunts and uncles... AND AT LEAST I KNOW WHO HER FATHER IS!! Lots of women don't even know which of the 6 they slept with are the father! So you can continue to try and make me feel like a bad parent all you want. But I know that I am a VERY GOOD, no EXCELLENT, MOTHER.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tolerance
Tolerance~
Thank you very much for your sincere post. I know she may go through phases of "hating" me and missing me and blaming me and curiousity. But I will sit her down when she is older and truthfully answer ALL of her questions. And she can determine from there what happens next. I will make sure she knows that I love her no matter what she decides in regards to me. I know that the decisions I have made and am making now are the best for the situation. I can't say that I won't regret some in the future but at the time the decisions were made I felt they were the best ones. And I have no doubt that my little girl is much better off than millions of other kids. And the poster that likes to be degrading is just wasting her breath trying to make me feel bad. Just the fact that I have been and still am a better parent to my kids (yes all of them) than my mother was to me makes me feel just fine. Lots of kids don't have anything near what my daughter has. And isn't loved on or fed or bathed or even has somewhere to sleep. SO she will be just fine.
Thank you again tolerance. I won't give up.
You very well may be an excellent mother, I just think and again it is my opinion, that there are a few things that you could do to help her out and starting with you that's my advise. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MEDICATION ANYWHERE IN ANYTHING I WROTE SO WHERE DID IT COME FROM? Also two men is plural.
Which was in reference to the following statement by myself: " Her father and I have already talked and if her behavior doesn't change after a few years with him he agreed to take her to a doctor and have her tested for any medical problems."Quote:
Originally Posted by MsMewiththat
Your attitude makes it seem as though you imply far more than the what you type. You put parenthesis around "men" so that implied to me you were thinking more than even 2.
And I'm not an idiot. I know anything more that one is plural. I also stated: "like she had 20 or something". Again it seemed to me that you were implying more than even 2. But like I said, having only 2 men in her life over 8 years is rare for a lot of kids. I know some of her little friends from school that their mommies have had like 5 different boyfriends in one school year. I think I am doing DARN FABULOUS compared to the majority of mom's.
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