I guess I just don't see the issue. But I have amish family, and they are extreamly strict as well, perhaps I am used to the rules of gender and life.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to be very blunt here and I don't want you to take it wrong... bear with me okay?

I think you are overstepping your boundaries. These are HIS children and he has the right to raise them as he sees fit. Had you come up to me in a restaurant and confronted me about my parenting skills, I'm not so sure I would be as kind as he was.

Leave him AND his girls alone. He's already made it clear that he does not want them to visit you. Why in the world would you want to bring them to your house to discuss their PRIVATE life with your daughter. They don't know you.

From what I have read it appears that you are a nosy busy body trying to butt into the lives of other people.

I'm also concerned about the way you talk to your daughter about abuse. Yes, it happens, but discussing it with a child the way you posted here, is potentially damaging to her psyche.

If you don't like his behavior, visit the restaurant on another night, or find another place to eat. It's as simple as that.

Don't call his wife... Don't visit their school... Don't invite his children to your house.

What is wrong with me discussing abuse with my daughter? Shall I say it's a funny thing? It's better to talk with her about the issue, and let her cry when she needs.

How old is your daughter?

Does she ask you questions about child abuse or do you discuss it with her after you see reports on the news?

Amish live like 200 years ago. He lives like other in the modern world. It's his children, but what makes me so sad is him shouting at two crying girls who do everything they can to obey their strict father. What will they remember from childhood?

Anopersuser,

Amish are still around today, not all are as strict as they once were, but they still thrive.

Why don't you just face the fact that he is a strict parent and leave them alone?

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Originally Posted by Anopersuser

Amish live like 200 years ago. He lives like other in the modern world. it's his children, but what makes me so sad is him shouting at two crying girls who do everything they can to obey their strict father. What will they remember from childhood?

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Amish are alive and thriving where I live. I sit here at my dest at work and watch them every single day. I have even watched them tie horses to my dumpster so they can walk downtown. If you doubt this I can easily take a picture daily and post them. I am surrounded by them. I went to college with an Amish girl who broke away from her family. She did say they were strict and never much discussed it.

I guess I am glad you noticed this behavior. But I am so surprised the girls opened up like that to you. My thoughts are if he is that strict why would they open up to talk to a total stranger about personal things so easily? Heck I would be more worried about that! Stranger danger. If my son ever sat and talked like that to a total stranger I would not be happy.

She turned 12 years old earlier this year. Mostly if she asks questions, but sometimes we feel we need to talk with her about more serious issues, things that should not just exist in the world, but sadly does. Even I cried some tears

In which way are Amish strict? I'm pretty sure he's not an Amish, just a very strict upper class father who doesn't understand being too strict can damage his daughter's emotions.

My theory is that as he'd just been so mad at them, they had probably almost nothing left to loose (he would already shout at them as much he could at home) and saw it as a last chance to let some other people know more about his strictness.

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Originally Posted by Anopersuser

Amish live like 200 years ago. He lives like other in the modern world. it's his children, but what makes me so sad is him shouting at two crying girls who do everything they can to obey their strict father. What will they remember from childhood?

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Originally Posted by Anopersuser

In which way are Amish strict? I'm pretty sure he's not an Amish, just a very strict upper class father who doesn't understand being too strict can damage his daughter's emotions.

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How strict he chooses to be is for him to decide. How the public reacts is for the rest of us to decide. I am sure I wouldn't like watching that either. But at the same time I am sure last time I had my son out to eat people weren't happy watching me either when I yanked him by his jacket to get his butt in line. There could be reasons for this and how he is raising his girls. What nationality are they? If they have been going there for so long I feel if it were serious then others would have stepped in. If it were suspected abuse cases child protective services could have already been called. Maybe they were and you don't know it. Your basing concerns on one sighting every week. Although it doesn't sound like something I would want to witness either I think its one of those times you need to research more on the family before you jump the gun.

Personally Sunny, I don't think she needs to research more on the family. This is already creepy enough. She needs to just let them live their lives separate from hers.

One more thought I am having is didn't you have one bit of concern that they would be scolded for talking with a stranger? If he left the restaurant after you talked with them I am taking a wild guess that those girls got a good talking to in the car. You didn't do anything wrong for showing concern. But its been so long now that you have watched it all you had to do was talk with your daughter about how different we all are. Every person out there has an opinion on what's right and wrong. This could be a good time to teach her that. What is right for him to teach is girls is wrong for you.

Our daughter already knows people have different opinions, but there are some things that at least 99 % of all people think are not OK, and among them are probably shouting at little girls for misstakes, even when they start crying.

I wish we could live separate, but I think it's important to react sometimes, as long as I follow the laws of the government..

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I wish we could live separate, but I think it's important to react sometimes, as long as I follow the laws of the government..

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I think this could border on stalking if you aren't careful.

I know some waitress girls have been upset. I don't know sure, but weren't many 19th century-early 20th century upper class daughters raised very strict? One reason would be that people feel proud, sometimes over-proud, when their kids behave well.

I get it now, you aren't in the United States, that's why you didn't understand about the Amish.

Where I live many parents are very strict. We also don't go into such detail with our children about child abuse.

I truly hope, for the sake of those girls, that you did not get them in trouble by talking to them while their father was away.

Why can't you just leave them alone now?

Restaurants are public places. I would not sneak outside their house.

I know who the Amish is (a Christian group in the northern parts of the USA, and in Canada, where many live like 200 years ago). I'm in the Western World, but I don't say exactly where, for the girls sake. How are parents strict where you live?

Please stop using the Comments feature to respond to our posts. Please scroll down to the Answer this question box to respond.

Anopersuer, I think it's time to let this go, move on, before you yourself get into trouble for meddling into this families life.

You did what was suggested, which was talk to the father. He made it clear that the girls aren't abused, he's just strict, and that's his right as their father.

Concentrate on raising your daughter the way you want, and let him raise his daughters the way he sees fit.

Also, just for your information, the Amish are alive and well, they still exist today. We have a community of Amish living close to our town. They are very strict with their children, because of their religious beliefs.

Get on with your life and leave this issue alone. Okay?

Good luck to you and your family.

I understand what you mean about going on, and I'm not going there again on Friday, but I just hope you understand even for me I think it's hard. Imagine yourself being a little girl, and you always try to do your best to obey your strict father's requests and rules on how you shall act, behave, dress and do, and when you do any mistake, he becomes so mad at you that you begin to cry, but instead of a comfort your are met with a shouting. Being strict to your daughters is one thing, both at home and in public, but this is such an extreme case.

Personally if I was one of these girls, I would always be nervous. When I asked my daughter how she would react, she said would cry. I also said to her that the way these girls seemed to care for each other may be the strongest hope.

I'm sorry but I personally wouldn't comfort my child when she is being repremanded. No matter how the scolding is, if she wants to cry she can cry. I'm not going to comfort her when she is in trouble.

Honestly, I'm starting to think you are a troll. But you seem so bewildered that I'm wondering if you are just not understanding quite clearly.

The world is full of problems that can make us feel sad for other people. If we were to let every problem sit in our minds all the time we would be emotional wrecks. Compassion is a good thing but it needs to be tempered with pragmatism.

There are some situations we cannot do anything about.
Use your compassion in places where it will make a difference.
Visit the old lady who lives nearby and gets no company. Volunteer at your local school (if this is something that is done in your country). Have a clear out and get that stuff taken down to a charity shop. Take an active interest in supporting those causes that mean a lot to you.

I find that if I know I am making a difference where I can it is easier to accept the cases where I can't.

Maybe things could be better for those girls. They certainly could be worse. They have parents that care for them, food in their bellies, clothes on their backs, and a roof over their heads. Not all chilldren do. Sponsor that child in Africa. Go out rattling tins for that homeless charity.

Let this one go and make yourself and someone else a little happier by doing something that will make a difference.

I can't help feeling that there is a little more to this than just compassion. It seems like you have a desire to convince everyone that your way of parenting is the right way. Usually when we feel like that it is because we have a niggling doubt as to whether we ourselves are doing great as parents. We all question this at times and none of us gets it right all the time. Think about it.

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Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

im sorry but i personally wouldnt comfort my child when she is being repremanded. no matter how the scolding is, if she wants to cry she can cry. im not going to comfort her when she is in trouble.

honestly, im starting to think you are a troll. but you seem so bewildered that im wondering if you are just not understanding quite clearly.

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Jennie I have to agree with you. If my son is in trouble and I scold him then so be it. If he cries well I am not going to comfort him either. What will this teach him? He is in trouble, he was punished. If he reacts by crying that's his problem not mine.

I am also starting to think your getting your own daughter way to involved in this. I almost see you pushing it on her. Like we have all said just let it rest now. You have made it clear to him how you feel. No matter how you get involved in those other girls lives it won't change his parenting style. You don't have to agree with it but those are his ways. One positive way to look at it is they looked healthy, they were being fed and they were dressed nice. Would it give you comfort to see a hungry, beaten kid in ripped up clothes but with loving parents? There is no win-win here. Its time to get over it.

In my opinion I think the OP gets her 12 year old daughter way too involved for several things that are just too sensitive of a nature for a child of that age.

So if she throws herself over you crying, do you just continue scolding? I always comfort her if she cries, even when I punish her (like grounding pr having her write lines), I can't neglect her emotions, some children are more emotional.

If I see about poor people in Africa with children who are hungry (not beaten) but with loving parents, I can cry for them, but still feel hope and a warmth. In this case as I said, the hope may be how the girls seemed to care for each other.

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So if she throws herself over you crying, do you just continue scolding? I always comfort her if she cries, even when I punish her (like grounding pr having her write lines), I can't neglect her emotions, some children are more emotional.

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If my children are hurt and crying, then of course they get comfort, but if they're crying because they are being punished, no. If you comfort a child while he/she is being punished you're only teaching the child that crying will make mommy and daddy stop punishing. What's the point in that?

If one of my kids has a fit or starts crying during a punishment (writing lines, grounding, time out), they're sent to their room until they stop crying, and then the punishment continues when they are done. This has taught them that the punishment will not stop just because they're crying, and that it's just better to get the punishment over with and move on.

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Originally Posted by Anopersuser

So if she throws herself over you crying, do you just continue scolding? I always comfort her if she cries, even when I punish her (like grounding pr having her write lines), I can't neglect her emotions, some children are more emotional.

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Actually yes I do that. Honestly if my son starts his crying fits when I am scolding him it gets on my nerves even more and he usually gets yelled at for crying. His crying leads to his sassy mouth so I am not for it. Crying gets him sent to his room with the door shut so I don't have to hear it. Is that bad? Not at all. Why should I have to listen to it I wasn't the one doing anything wrong. That's his problem if he gets in trouble and can't handle the consequences. That's how our children learn and grow. Your daughter can't go through life thinking she can do what she wants and a few tears will get her out of it. That's now how it works. I am not quesioning your parenting or anyone else's so please don't get defensive. My point was just how I handle my son.

Sure I can send her to her room with some tears, but when the punishment is over, it is. As that girl said, they were only comforted when very serious things happened. Sure he can do so, but do you scold your kid for every pure misstake?

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Originally Posted by Anopersuser

Sure I can send her to her room with some tears, but when the punishment is over, it is. As that girl said, they were only comforted when very serious things happened. Sure he can do so, but do you scold your kid for every pure misstake?

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Not to continue with this but I have raised my voice at my son for spilling something on his clothes. Its called losing your patience. It happens to every parent out there. We all react our own way. I have swore like a drunken sailor just watching him accidentally spill his milk. Did I mean it? Not really. Did he cry? Yes at the time he did. I did hug him then and told him I wasn't really mad it was an accident. Again, that's different when you lose your patience. If I ask him again and again not to do something and he looks me in the face and does it anyway. You want to bet his little butt better be running. Mama isn't happy.

Just because I comfort her during punishment, I don't reduce the punishment. I usually ground her and let her write lines, if she comes to cry or ask something she can, then I tell her to go back continuing writing (except it's extremely serious).

I have a cousin who has two children. My cousin is an alcoholic and has not been appropriate in his behavior when the kids have been present, in raging alcoholic fits with his ex-wife while they were together. She is bi-polar and does not take her medication. Our family was at a loss of what to do but a stranger like you saw the mother out with the children, being mean to the children, and reported the situation to social services. The children were taken away from both parents, and placed with their grandmother. Some might think this is terrible, but those children are in a much, much better situation and both parents are motivated to improve their circumstances, with mixed results. The point is, if you see children being abused whether through neglect, physical, mental or emotional and it's not just a passing moment of a harried parent, you can certainly report the abuse to the authorities. Being a tyrant to one's children is emotional abuse.

I agree with you. We don't accept adult people acting as tyrants to each other, so why with kids? Having strict rules and dress codes for your daughters is one thing, but after all they're still your daughters, not slave girls.

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Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

I have a cousin who has two children. My cousin is an alcoholic and has not been appropriate in his behavior when the kids have been present, in raging alcoholic fits with his ex-wife while they were together. She is bi-polar and does not take her medication. Our family was at a loss of what to do but a stranger like you saw the mother out with the children, being mean to the children, and reported the situation to social services. The children were taken away from both parents, and placed with their grandmother. Some might think this is terrible, but those children are in a much, much better situation and both parents are motivated to improve their circumstances, with mixed results. The point is, if you see children being abused whether through neglect, physical, mental or emotional and it's not just a passing moment of a harried parent, you can certainly report the abuse to the authorities. Being a tyrant to one's children is emotional abuse.

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When obvious concerns are evident, this is true, but in the situation presented by the OP, whether this would constitute abuse is debatable. Does he appear strict and have high expectations of his children... certainly. But that does not automatically equate with emotional abuse.

Again, I am surprised that the children would give out so much information to a stranger and I am a bit taken aback by the apparent questioning of the children that occurred to obtain so much information.

Given the benefit of the doubt, she saw what she felt was inappropriate, she felt the need to voice her concern to those involved, and that is all that can be done.

At 14, the older's a teenage girl. Maybe she was now tired of all these years of just having to do and dress as being told, and saw it as a chance. While not abuse, don't you think his actings affects his kids (sad memories, bad self-confidence).

I think it is time to close this thread.

Your original question has been thouroughly and very thoughtfully answered, and I have not seen new information since your contact with the father in question.

With all due respect, if you have a new question relating to child discipline or development, why not post a new question, as it relates directly to your own child, or your own concerns with her.

Your original post, in my opinion, has run the gammut of any and all answers, suggestions, and guidance dealing with the situation you originally posted.

Anything beyond what has already been said is splitting hairs and is off topic.

Just my opinion, but unless there is new information regarding the original post you made, anything that has now developed from that, should be its' own, new question.