Ask Me Help Desk - What can a teenager do on his days off?

Jake2008- I like your ideas, and I've tried to mediate. The last time that we tried that, W was 8 or 9, and we were concerned about him watching R rated movies and playing M rated games. When it finally came down to it, the ex said that when he's at her house, it's her way. When I first met this kid, right before his 7th birthday, his favorite movie at the time had been "The Ladies Man"
And can you blame us for fearing her changing visitation rights? After what we went through, the lawyer never once made a move to help us.
talaniman- you've made some very excellent points through this discussion, and I've taken them to heart. We are going to talk this over, and figure out if there's a way to do what we feel is right, without fearing the ex. When you say that she is an obstacle, only if we let it be, I don't quite understand. I feel like there is very little we can do, without wondering what she's going to be saying to W about it. When he used to be very open with me, before the 2 year problem, he would tell me how whenever he discussed w/his mom, the things that happened at our house, that she would always have something negative to say about it. I have no doubt she still plays games like that. A good example of this, we sent him to a week long summer camp 4 summers ago. When we picked him up, it was like he didn't take a breath the whole way home telling us how much fun he had. The next week when we got him back from his mom's house, he was telling us how much he hated camp, and how dumb it was. Same thing happened on his 11th birthday. But by that time, he was mature enough to realize that just because his mom said it was lame, didn't mean he had to think it was lame. I realize he's growing up more, and is going to realize someday how his mom has been through this, but he's (this is going to sound mean, I'm not trying to be mean) such a mamma's boy, it's going to be hard for him to open his eyes.
Thank you everyone for your input. I really appreciate it, & we've started to implement it into our routine w/him already. The more I hear your words, and read up on these things (which I have found surprisingly little help online) the more we feel we're doing what's right. It's hard, but it's worth it. Anything else?

Does he like dogs or cats? Most communities have at least one animal shelter. You and he talk it over and become shelter volunteers together, brushing or socializing or dog walking and even mopping floors or cleaning out cat litterboxes. I was the volunteer coordinator for our public library, so check that out, too, as a possibility -- processing library materials, taking books to the homebound, shelf reading, collection inventory. You and he spending time together is your prime reason in any of this. And have fun with him!

Wondergirl- We have 3 dogs & 1 cat, and he has no interest in them. But, I like the idea anyway, I think that'd be very good for him. I will look into doing that over summer vacation for sure!

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Originally Posted by bluepersonality

Wondergirl- We have 3 dogs & 1 cat, and he has no interest in them. But, I like the idea anyway, I think that'd be very good for him. I will look into doing that over summer vacation for sure!

A volunteer job where he can be a mentor or teacher or guide for younger kids? It sounds like his mother dismisses his feelings, so he changes them to get her approval. Help him (without a lecture or dissing his mother) realize his feelings and opinions have value.

Thank you for your kind words and confidence. You sound like a very good person trying your best in a complicated but common situation. I don't know how much you expect to accomplish but I doubt seriously you can change the personal dynamics between the 3 people involved here at all. That's totally up to them to change themselves.

I think your best bet would be to focus on how YOU form your relationship with W, and understand when he tries to just please his parents. Stay patient even when the parents act like idiot kids, and the kid acts like the adult. Let W be a mama's boy with his mama........NOT YOU!!!

YOU make sure you have his respect, love, and cooperation, and enjoy THAT relationship. You have to leave the other two to deal with the crap and fallout of their own doing.

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When you say that she is an obstacle, only if we let it be, I don't quite understand. I feel like there is very little we can do, without wondering what she's going to be saying to W about it.

STOP wondering what she says or does, it doesn't MATTER. All that matters is what YOU (NOT your husband) do about it.

Love them all, even the idiots. Never forget to love yourself and do right by YOURSELF.

Very nice post and I totally agree.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Thank you for your kind words and confidence. You sound like a very good person trying your best in a complicated but common situation. I don't know how much you expect to accomplish but I doubt seriously you can change the personal dynamics between the 3 people involved here at all. That's totally up to them to change themselves.

I think your best bet would be to focus on how YOU form your relationship with W, and understand when he tries to just please his parents. Stay patient even when the parents act like idiot kids, and the kid acts like the adult. Let W be a mama's boy with his mama........NOT YOU!!!

YOU make sure you have his respect, love, and cooperation, and enjoy THAT relationship. You have to leave the other two to deal with the crap and fallout of their own doing.

STOP wondering what she says or does, it doesn't MATTER. All that matters is what YOU (NOT your husband) do about it.

Love them all, even the idiots. Never forget to love yourself and do right by YOURSELF.