Ask Me Help Desk - Can't Imagine Giving Up On Daughter, But What Other Option Is There?

I don't think your daughter is without a father, I think she doesn't realize yet how lucky she is to have one whose heart aches for her.
She's 16, who knows what she is thinking, I'd bet there are times even she doesn't.
I'm going to put just a small portion of my life and experience with my own child out there for you.
My son is now 23, during his childhood he was bombarded every other weekend with how terrible I was, a liar, a *itch, how we were not a family because of me, etc, etc not just me but my entire family. We were all bad, horrid people.
I know this because I heard it with my own ears, no speculation involved.
And, yes, there was lots of alcohol involved.
The person who thought this was OK was his own father, he did this to pay me back for leaving him (his own words)
This entire time my family and I never said a bad word, we simply showed my son who WE were, we're good people.
My child missed part of what being a child is all about, simple enjoyment, he was angry, bitter and no amount of counseling could get to the root of his reasoning for being this way.
(And he had one of the best child psychologists in town working with him)
Just about the age that your daughter is now my sons' eyes began to open, slowly over a period of about three years, he got it.
Without going into more details that you don't need, I'll just say that my son and I have a good relationship.
It was a long, hard road dealing with all of this, when all you really want to do is shake your kid and tell him who did what and to snap out of it.
I'm not telling you my story (condensed version) to give you false hope, because no doubt in some aspects your child's view of reality is a bit skewed.
I hope not to the point that there is no turning it around for her.
You can't give up on her, I don't think you ever would.
At this time in her life the best you can do for her is to show her the person that you ARE.
I don't mean to push her by any means, it's going to take some patience.
I really do hope for your sake and hers that things turn around, she's becoming a young lady and young ladies need a good man in their corner.

Thank you all for taking the time to write these words. They mean more than I can say, and will definitely help reinvigorate my efforts to help make things right.

I have a question, does your daughter go to therapy still? I think that if she is perhaps going in one of the sessions and discussing your relationship, why she avoids you, how you leaving her young affected her... basically putting everything out on the table would help her tremendously. You would most likely have to convince the mother of it, talk with the counselor to see if they would find it effective (which I can't see them not), and then your daughter would have to consent. Sounds like a tremendous feat but if you could pull it off I think it could help a lot.

Another thing. I can tell you truly want a relationship with your daughter, and to be a father to her. However, the fact that you're considering running off again (and the fact you did before) makes me think that you have a tendency of giving up. Maybe she can sense that and is trying to protect herself?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mobley119

I have a question, does your daughter go to therapy still? I think that if she is perhaps going in one of the sessions and discussing your relationship, why she avoids you, how you leaving her young affected her.... basically putting everything out on the table would help her tremendously. You would most likely have to convince the mother of it, talk with the counselor to see if they would find it effective (which I can't see them not), and then your daughter would have to consent. Sounds like a tremendous feat but if you could pull it off I think it could help a lot.

Another thing. I can tell you truly want a relationship with your daughter, and to be a father to her. However, the fact that you're considering running off again (and the fact you did before) makes me think that you have a tendency of giving up. Maybe she can sense that and is trying to protect herself?

Yeah she's been in and out of therapy for the last several years. The one she's seeing now actually required my consent, which I gave (first time I've ever been included). I have spoken with the therapist and she knows the entire story; how much they discuss it, I have no idea. I was hoping to be included in the process more, so if I don't hear from her soon, I will definitely contact her.

My problem with the therapist is that everything I told her, she told the mother, who then called me and TOLD ME that I couldn't see my kids for awhile so that she can deal with the fact that she "raped me" (again, her words) with her own therapist.

So once again, she is the victim, and I know for a fact she'll do anything to keep the kids from knowing what she did, including paint me as a liar and/or continue keeping the other kids away from me. Back in the day, she used to threaten me with violence from her drug addict friends if I didn't keep seeing her. This is the kind of person I'm dealing with and whom my children look up to.

As for being a quitter or giving up, I've actually never given up on anything in my entire life EXCEPT for that one situation, where again, I'm not sure it's reasonable for me to have stayed. I had 12 straight years of perfect attendance in school, graduated college on my own with two jobs, run my own business, and have never mentioned anything about leaving again to my daughters or their mother.

However, as I said in the OP, I'm getting older and feeling a need for more out of life than simply waiting for my daughter to realize I care and that I'm here for her. I'd actually go far as to say most people would have given up (again) a long time ago after all these years of games and drama.

I highly doubt I will leave, but my daughter is nearing 16, and I know her plan is to graduate high school and move away. Then what, I'm supposed to follow after her in order to be a better father or not to give up on her again? Or is it just the payback I deserve for leaving her long ago? Will she ever realize I didn't leave her, but her toxic mother and family?