Well, what I would do in you're situation is look back to the past. Did you spend enough time with you're daughter? Did you have a messy divorce? Was you're daughter proud to have you as a mom when she was younger? Sometimes people don't forgive easily. Especially when its something that might of scarred them as a child.

I find myself looking eerily into the future.
I feel like if my parents keep trying to control mine, and my siblings lives they are going to end up old and alone. The three of us girls are married and desperately in need of that disconnection that needs to happen when you marry. I worry that moving 1200 miles away is the only way it's going to happen.

Are you the reason she moved? Did something happen? Did you disagree with the move? She dislikes you for a reason. Think deeper.

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Originally Posted by annamarie4

I agree that we mums have to change. It is difficult to see our children as adults with lives of their own and to be excluded from it. My daughter has'nt spoken or got in contact with me for over three years now. I have not been able to see my grandson in this time either.
Of course I have tried to make contact many times, but I got so hurt by her rejection that I now no longer try. The last time was 2 years ago. I send my grandson a birthday card and a gift for each birthday, and I was told by other daughter, who wont get involved, that it is accepted. It is so hard to hold back and not make contact, it is the most hurtful thing that a parent could have to do but iv'e become tough and realise that it was my daughter that wanted it this way, not me, and I have had to learn to 'let go' and pray that time will heal this rift. I know she loves me and has issues to work through herself, but us mums want to 'get in there' and fix it for them. It has taken me all these years to realise I have to step back and let her just 'be'. My only crime in all of this was that I cared too much and wanted to help her, but I have HAD to change now. Of course she has to change too, otherwise this wont heal, but by leaving her alone and letting her grow up, she's almost 27,things are beginning to look up. My other daughter has mentioned that she has no problem with me seeing my grandchild now.This is all very good, but it has to come from her ,no one else, as i cannot see my grandchild hurt if he is seeing me and his mum is not talking to me, this would do him such emotional damage. I seriously would prefer never to have contact with him rather that see him caught in this tangle and harm his little life, there is enough hurt going on already. If I had this news a year ago, I would have jumped in feet first, but time and 'letting go' has taught me a valuable lesson. I ache to see them both, but I also have to protect myself as I became ill as a result of all of this. So it will have to be done in an 'adult' way on both sides. So my view on all those adult children who abandon their loving and caring mum's is, if they leave, if they stop talking to you, if you tried to mend it and they dont want to know, just leave them be! It's absolutely heart wrenching to do this and you may want to keep going back, but in the end they will see that you are not prepared to be treated like this, and this is a shock to them. THEY know we love them unconditionally, THEY play on that. WE know we love them, WE must LET GO. This incidentially, has also helped me so much with some difficulties i was having recently with my other daughter. I refused to 'get in there' and fix things for her. I could see the whole pattern with my eldest girl unfold all over again, I stepped back, reminded her i loved her, but DID NOT get involved. The result? One confused daughter, but a daughter who now respects me more and treats me like a good mum should be treated. I could have blown it with her, but I had changed, and that in turn forces them to look at themselves, hence THEY change. This is just my opinion, and what worked for me after years of struggling with hurt and pain. It still hurts and will until it is resolved, but im now in a stronger and better place. I pray for all hurting mums out there. We are all saints in the making!!

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Thank you so much for sharing your situation, which is very similar to mine. I have not stop crying for several days, but now I am going to take you advice and try my hardest to let go before I make any more problems with my daughter, whom I love so much. I just wish I knew how to stop the pain, but I guess it will never stop, and I will never stop caring. I also have a younger daughter and a younger son, and I am determined not to make the same mistakes. I know I was much less than perfect with my oldest daughter, but I only wanted to help her. Now she's 22 and even though I am very concerned about so many things, I know I need to step back and let her be. I try to stop thinking about it, but sometimes it just comes back into my head and I get so sad or mad or both. It's funny how the child you do the most for resents you the most. I know she'll be a better mom than me.

I agree that we do have to change. As Moms we have to learn to stop trying to force a relationship, if the older child doesn't want it.
Some posters on here may remember that my 39 year old son just became very hostile to me a few years ago. It is such a long story that I won't even try to recall it. We had been so close for his entire life and this surprised and mystified me. I couldn't get an answer from him about what had happened. I was called names , yelled at, his phone was locked from me. It seriously about killed me. This came one day when I never knew anything was wrong, but I guess to him something had been building up.
Any way this went on for maybe 4 years. I had to change. I knew that if anyone, even the son that I loved more than my life could make me think of suicide, and he had me that hurt, was poison to me. I had to forget him, I didn't call. NOTHING. About a year ago he began coming around but refuses to talk about what had happened. We have a very fragile relationship. I have lost my 2 granddaughters. They are polite ( I have seen them one time, about 2 weeks ago in town, but they won't come and see me or call on the phone. I haven't asked but I do not think I am welcome in his home. He asked me to leave his home one time and I did. I haven't mentioned it and he hasn't either. I think when he finally saw that I was making a life without him? Maybe he woke up. I don't know. I have to stop because this can still make me cry.

The point I am trying to make is that you must make a life without her. You must look after yourself. If you have did everything that you could do, then you have to let her go.
My son took a large part of me over this , whatever it was, but I am still here and I have a life. I am sure your daughter has taken a large part of you.
What we Moms have to know is that if we did the best we can do, then we have to stop. It is probably the hardest thing I ever did. I just gave up on trying to make anything work to make him love me again.
The thing he lost and I think he knows it, He lost my trust. I will never be so involved that he can ever hurt me the way he did. Things will never be the same, but if some day you can have some kind of relationship with your daughter, that would be a good thing. In the mean time just know that there are a lot of us Moms out there going through the same thing.
I am praying that if your daughter sees that you can and will stop trying to have a relationship, then maybe she will begin to try.
I am praying for the best for you and praying that you can stay strong.
Best of luck and please keep us updated. We are all on your side and want the best outcome you can get from this.

Thank you Isabelle for your kind thoughts. This has hurt me more than I thought anything could... I too find myself thinking of suicide. This also came as a shock to me. I thought we had a good relationship and then all of sudden, all this anger came out. Then I kept trying to figure it out... was it a new friend, was it a new job, what was it. Apparently, she resents me for both not protecting her and trying too hard to protect her. I just feel like such a failure. The only thing I've ever wanted was to have good relationships with my children. I lost my mother when I was 21 and I felt so all alone, but now I guess my kids (or at least one of the three) is better without me. I hate to sound so pathetic, but I'm in so much pain. I wish no body had to ever feel like this, but now I see that I am not alone. I guess life will go on...

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Originally Posted by JuanaCry

Thank you Isabelle for your kind thoughts. This has hurt me more than I thought anything possibly could... I too find myself thinking of suicide. This also came as a shock to me. I thought we had a good relationship and then all of sudden, all this anger came out. Then I kept trying to figure it out... was it a new friend, was it a new job, what was it. Apparently, she resents me for both not protecting her and trying too hard to protect her. I just feel like such a failure. The only thing I've ever wanted was to have good relationships with my children. I lost my mother when I was 21 and I felt so all alone, but now I guess my kids (or at least one of the three) is better without me. I hate to sound so pathetic, but I'm in so much pain. I wish no body had to ever feel like this, but now I see that i am not alone. I guess life will go on...

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Sometimes I think it helps to know that others have felt your pain. I have to say that this is the worst kind of pain. Please don't give up just maybe back up. I don't promise that that your daughter will change but I know that taking better care of yourself will be a help.
I don't understand how adult kids can just become so angry and we not know what in the world happened, but I have read it time and time again on this and other boards.
When you need support or feel really down I am sure anyone on this board will offer you a shoulder to cry on. That's what kind people do. If you would like you may e-mail me. I would be glad to talk to you. This board also offers a PM that you could use.
Again I will be thinking about you and praying for a good outcome. Best of luck.

I am so relieved to come across this qn answer session as I was so troubled with the same issue for more than 2 weeks now. Like lady one so eloquently put it , I too would suggest having a cordial relationship and focus on the grandparent role rather than pondering too much over the mother - daughter relationship. I am a 30 year old daughter , having a very similar relationship with my mother (that's exactly how my mother is)as lady one put it, and my parents are going to come and visit us and stay with us for a month, so I guess I'm a little anxious about it, because she too has this control over me, where I pretty much lose sight of the real me that I like to be. Whenever she's there too much in my life. Aggain I don't hate her or anything , its just that I prefer it when we have minimal contact. My husband gets fed up when I talk too much about this subject and I understand that too , so for everyone's benefit I feel the mom should understand how to do this backing off in an elegant fashion. I wish I knew how to talk to my mother about this and get the result I want instead of an argument. All I can say is that your doing a good job in trying to understand the other perspective, it would help a lot if you could give some ideas on how the daughter should do this talk without offending the mom. Thank you so much to you and also to lady one, you really helped me today

My parents and I did not talk for 5 full years...

I found that my parents were always very accusatory... and could not seem to grip reality.

After 5 years my boyfriend is the one that sat down with them and told them how things had to be... It took a stranger telling them they needed to settle down for them to be brought back in to our lives.

I understand your frustrations, but just from your opening you accuse her of something that may not be true at all... "She seems to be jelous of me being happy."

There me be other issues there and she may not be able to talk to you about them... maybe you wouldn't listen to her if she did.

Often times though with 4 kids... I get phone calls from family, and they always seem to be at the most inopportune times... As I am loading all 4 of them in to car seats, giving them baths, changing poopy diapers...

And it irritates me if my boyfriend wake me up from a 1/2 hour MUCH needed nap just to talk on the phone.

I'm sorry but I get tired, my kids wear me out, and I also help to run our business on top of all of the chores...

You need to talk to her and both of you need to have a conversation without accusing each other...

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Originally Posted by ladyone

As a 47 year old daughter who prefers limited contact with her mother, I thought I might be of some help. So let me tell you about my view of me & my mom. If my mom was to approach me with her concern about my lack of receptiveness to her she would push me further from her. I really can't stand her & yet I love her. I have forgiven her much, which to some would seem like little things, yet there is a control issue between us. It is important for children to separate from their parents & it is also as important for parents to separate from their children. Parents need to let go. My mother sees me as "HER" daughter which I am yet I am a separate person. We are different. I am low energy, low key, and my mother is a powerhouse, yet at the same time I find she steals my energy, leaving me depressed & overwhelmed. It is easier for me to avoid her then to conform to her needs. My mother is not a horrible person, yet she drives me nuts. Is it her fault, is it my fault. Yes both. My suggestion is back off. Call to talk to your grandchildren, call to talk to your son-in-law, enjoy it. Ask them to give her your love. When you do talk to your daughter, ask how she is, listen & don't offer advise or solutions. Offer understanding, not comparison. Say I know. Keep it brief. Don't be afraid of silence. Do not analyze her or yourself to her. Observe (become aware of) your behavior, body language, voice tone. Look at this outside of emotion. It can be done. Relax. Let your daughter be. You want approval, aceptance, you want her to conform to fit your needs. She has her own needs. As long as things seem otherwise okay, accept
her need to distant herself. You might not approve. Yet acceptance and approval are not the same thing. Acceptance without approval is called tolerance. Be polite. Don't step over her boundaries. See her differently. She's probably not who you think she is. Shed your preconceived notions about her likes & dislikes & about who she is. Love her anyway. Don't let your hurt make you her pain.
I am going thru this on the flip too, with one of my teen daughters. ? What do I do? Love, Care, Compassion, letting go. . .Trying not to be afraid of being ignored, rejected, put down. Patience, self-dependence, availability "I'm here if you need me." Good luck. As a note pad my mother gave me says "Life is hard. It's not for whimps."

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I was happy to see this coming from "the daughters" point of view. I'm stuck in the middle. I am 50 years old and my mother never had/has time for me. When my daughter was born, I had visions of my mom wanting to be a part of my life. Didn't happen. I swore I would have a close relationship with MY daughter.

Well, my daughter is 21 now and has moved 1000 plus miles away with her fiancé. We get along okay but I would like to be much closer. I call her, I e-mail her, etc. She has been here visiting for 2 weeks (with fiance) and is flying back tomorrow. I miss her like
Crazy already. I've tried very hard not to let her see or feel my hurt.

I love your statement, "Don't let your hurt make you her pain". That is what I have tried to do.


You seem to "get" why a daughter would NOT have a desire to be close to her Mom. Do you have any suggestions for me?:(

I can't evaulate your relationship in a few paragraphs, but my whole life (I'm 43), I have tried to attain a pleasing relationship with my parents. They never backed me, always loved when I failed, and are always looking for a confrontation from me. They are narissictic. I have walked on eggshells my whole entire life, just to get a pat on the head and then they are mad again and I get kicked in the side. It is such an unsettling relationship. So, there are things in your relationship or in your daughter's past, that are not addressed. She seems to be disconnecting from you. I don't wish any ill will on my parents. They are my parents, but I can't take the DRAMA. The most peaceful time of my life was when I didn't speak to them for 2 years. It's like an "Out of sight Out of mind" thing. So, I would just let it go and move on with your life. Give her what she wants. You can't make people enjoy your company.

cozyk disagrees: Why would you ever want your son to feel the pain that you had thrust upon you?
JudyKayTee disagrees: Sounds like revenge on the son - never a good idea. Makes you look small.

Maybe... read my post again. I said, "I DON'T think I would wish this on my son."
May a closer read before you hit the "rate this answer" would serve you both well. Using this board as a revenge thing without reading the answer closely makes you both look small.

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Originally Posted by isabelle

I think you are right however, I don't know if I would wish this on my son. On one side perhaps it would make him remember the hurt he did to me.. on the other hand to have ones child turn against you is the worst hurt imaginable.
I also agree that this seems to be occurring more and more often.

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I was disagreeing with your statement " I DON"T KNOW IF I would wish this on my son" MY point is I would DEFINITELY NOT wish this on my son. There was no IF about it.

OK LOL you said it.

Well now I knew I couldn't be alone but reading these posts has not given me any
Relief because misery does not always love company. I was hoping to hear happy
Endings, but I guess that's a large part of my problem, I realize life is not easy and
Things happen to us which we can't control, but the way we treat each other doesn't have to be among them, I guess I still want the fairy tale ending and just don't understand
Why we can't just be honest with each other and ask for what we want and either get
A yes of a no. It certainly would save a lot of anxiety. I have a 39 yrs old daughter
Who loves me but can't stand me. I guess it makes sense, that my hurt should not
Cause her pain because who among us would choose to be around anyone who causes
Us pain. I will try to talk to her just one more time, I will even offer professional
Counseling if she will consider it, but I must let my relationship with her be defined
By my inclusion in my grandchildrens life, I might have blown it unknowingly with
My daughter, but hopefully, I can still have relationship with her kids.

Thank God I found this site... I thought I was the only mother in the world with a daughter problem. Sometimes she turns on me for no apparent reason. She has 2 children, who I would die for, but she says I want to spend too much time with the kids. I help her when she asks, but can't see them when I want to. I cry too and don't know where I went wrong. Sometimes I feel she hates me. She has said really hurtful things and then the next day can be as sweet as pie. I say nothing now, just value the time when I'm allowed see my grandchildren. I'll pray for all of you grandparents tonight. Love... T.

Some daughters are just plain mean! Us Mother's need to carve out a brand new life, and just when we step into it wham! The daughter will be wondering and spending her days thinking, "where did that woman go, I need her now! That's when you start to choose!

Dear Seira. Thank you very much for your comments. It's so good to know that there are people out there who listen and take the time to try and help. I think you are right, I should start devoting more time to my life and stop worrying myself sick about my daughter and her attitude to me. I will gladly mind my grandchildren when the opportunity arises, but in the meantime, I'll try and ignore all the bad stuff.

Good luck an d God Bless... T.

Hello T.
Thanks for your letter and I agree that this web-site is a wonderful thing! I too was desperate to find someone or a book that would have some sort of helpful and inspiring information regarding our situations. However looks like I've found it!

My daughter's also changes moods quite often and that's mainly due to substance abuse etc.
T, you mustn't take her behaviour personally, if you never took any notice of your grandchildren you would still get the same treatment. Maybe (like my daughter) she needs someone to punish especially if she's unhappy within herself.

Six months ago I brought myself a puppy (I know this sounds silly but bear with me) and he is the sweetest little creature, has such a beautiful, loving nature. He's a great watch dog although he won't grow bigger than he is right now, but he is really a gift. I'm so glad I did that, it's helps and he is just so loveable.

What I'm trying to say is find something what will give you joy and happiness because time's ticking away for us both. I have spent many, many years trying to see what I can do to make my daughter realise that I care about her. I have given her money, cleaned up her mess, put up with her abuse time and time again.

Put yourself first T be kind to you! All the Best, Seira

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Originally Posted by Gran_1

Thank God I found this site...I thought I was the only mother in the world with a daughter problem. Sometimes she turns on me for no apparent reason. She has 2 children, who I would die for, but she says I want to spend too much time with the kids. I help her when she asks, but can't see them when I want to. I cry too and don't know where I went wrong. Sometimes I feel she hates me. She has said really hurtful things and then the next day can be as sweet as pie. I say nothing now, just value the time when I'm allowed see my grandchildren. I'll pray for all of you grandparents tonight. Love... T.

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I first wrote on this site last April. My daughter had'nt spoken to me for three years and would'nt let me see my grandson. I was devastated, I cried so much over the years. I made three attempts to contact her, all to no avail. I had to let it go, it was making me ill. My heart was broken, I missed her and my grandson so much. I tried to get on with my life, but birthday's, christmas etc were sheer torture. I posted an answer last year to the lady who wrote 'my adult daughter won't speak to me' telling her to let go and trust, just as I was doing. Well I am happy to say that I first started to see my darling grandson in October '08, through my other daughter's help.she had just had a new baby herself. I was bringing him shopping just before xmas, when my miracle happened. My 'prodigal' daughter came out to my car as I was dropping him off and she invited me in! It felt surreal I can tell you. It was uncomfortable at first, but we talked for almost 3 hours, but we never mentioned the past and why she stopped contact with me. I have had the best xmas in 4 years, I just had a birthday last week and all three of my daughters and my 2 grandsons took me out to celebrate it. I will never discuss what happened with her, unless she wants to, I don't believe in going back, its history now. Our relationship after two months is good, but of course it will never be the same. I leave her to contact me now, I don't 'get in' there with her. If she needs me she knows I will be there and when we meet she is loving and caring. I guess I'll never trust fully again, but you know what, that may well be a good thing, it keeps me on my toes and I'm a better person for all that has happened. The bond with my grandson is still so close, and there is such love between us. He doesn't ask any questions about the past, he just seems surprised when he realises I know so much about him! That makes me chuckle. I will say, yet again, as I done in a previous reply, let them go! Get on with your life, it is not easy, believe me, but you MUST do it. TRUST that they will come back, NO MATTER how long and Don't EVER GIVE UP. I am proof that it works. God its so hard, its so painful, but Don't CONTACT THEM, this is not good for any of us. Things happen for a reason, and when I look at my daughter now, she has matured into a beautiful, independent woman. She no longer takes drugs and she has bonded so much more with her son. She is working in the legal profession, and her life is so good. She obviously needed to get where she is without my input. In other words, she needed time and space to grow up. I see how well she has done on her own, and I don't ever need to worry about her decisions again. She is her her own person and I respect that now. She is not my 'baby' anymore, and that's where I think I went wrong with her. I will always be her mum, but I'm more of a friend now, and its nice. Just knowing she still loves me has made it all worthwhile. My health has improved, I don't have to cry anymore. So to all you mum's out there who are still where I was up to only a few weeks ago, please take heart. It can and WILL happen for you. I honestly never imagined I would ever be posting this message. If I can be of help to just one mum out there, then my own suffering will not have been in vain. I won't be leaving this site, there are too many who need the help that I got from it, and too many that feel the pain that I too have felt. My love and prayers to all you mum's. Please keep in touch with me xxxx

I have so much I want to say. Glad I found my way back here. Much can happen in 2 yrs It was good to read that some people found my post helpful. To Forgiven: Regarding what you wrote about "...what you sow is what you reap. It is good to treat people the way you want to be treated." You are right and sometimes we each need to be left alone to take care of ourself. Will write more when I have the time.