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Originally Posted by SHARON77

just found out my daughter has been dating a 21 year old man since she was 15 she as now just turned 16, 4 weeks ago just want thourts on if rite or wrong ?

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One additional question, just to add a possible twist to the story: Is it possible that this man believes your daughter is older than she is? I have know plenty of girls who find great pleasure in knowing an older guy is interested in them and they are not always forthcoming with their correct age.

It could be he knows full well, in which case there is no doubt it is a concern, but it could also be that he thinks he is dating someone older, especially since he obviously hasn't been brought around to meet the family all this time.

I can't imagine that if he has been dating her he knows she is at least a minor.
He can't take to a bar, she has no drivers license, unless she is only going to his place or his friends place.
Maybe I am giving young men more credit than I should.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I can't imagine that if he has been dating her he knows she is at least a minor.
He can't take to a bar, she has no drivers license, unless she is only going to his place or his friends place.
Maybe I am giving young men more credit than I should.

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I'm pretty sure he knows. It's easy to tell most of the time.

She was dating him for 6 months she said they have`nt had sex but I don't no if I believe her because she has kept this from me ,she says she loves him I feel that there is nothing I can do to stop it I feel I have failed as a mum.

There is something you can do. She might hate you at first... but she'll get over it. You as her mom are the one who has to to make this a top priority now. FORBID the guy to come near her or your home. Forbid her to see him and if she insist call the police or the child authorities.

Children need guidelines and they need to know there are consequences for lying and sneaking around with an adult when she is still a minor. Who in the world knows what his intentions are? Read the newspapers, that will open your eyes and hers.

Remember folks, the OP is in the UK... US laws don't apply there.

In the UK the legal age of consent is 16.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Remember folks, the OP is in the UK....US laws don't apply there.

In the UK the legal age of consent is 16.

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Thanks J... OOps I did it again... :D

It wasn't just you Kit. It seems most people assumed this was against the law.

You have not failed as a mom, kids will try and pull stuff no matter how good you are.
But, if you as a mom don't like this, you do have the right to say so.
I understand the laws are different where you are, but I'd still be upset with my daughter and this young man. I have a problem with that age difference.

If your daughter is really in love with him she could go into serious depression and do something stupid with herself if you separate them. ALSO BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR DAUGHTERS FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS.TAKE HER TO THERAPY AFTER. IF SHE REALLY LOVES HIM THIS WILL BE REALLY TOUGH FOR HER. IF YOU Don't WANT TO HER TO GO THROUGH THAT WITH YOUR PERMISSION SHE CAN DATE HIM.

You can't give in to your kids for fear they will be angry and depressed. She is just barely 16. She is infatuated and in lust. She may think she is in love. It may be legal where you are but she would certainly hear from me as would the young man about how angry and disappointed I am by their deception. What this young man did was wrong and I'm sure that is why it was kept a secret.

I don't know if you can ground someone at that age in the UK but I did my daughter at 16 here in the US. She was highly pissed,but she got over it.

I agree with QLPs reply in post #2. I would have commented on the post but I haven't yet worked out how to do so.
At 16 your Daughter is not underage, and in England male and female over 16 have equal rights so he could not be reported to the Authorities. I would do as QLP has suggested get to know him, don't make him the forbidden fruit, if you do then your Daughter will find him all the more attractive, it is better that you don't make a big thing out of it though, because in doing so you may just end up pushing them together.
Do talk to your Daughter about contraception and STDs. Trust your Daughter, listen to her and ask her to listen to you, become her friend and she will confide in you, Trust her, and Im sure you won't have any problems.
Treat her like a friend don't talk at her talk to her, she will be more inclined to listen if you do.

I agree with QLP & positive parents posts... I believe helping your daughter to trust you can be a best thing to do and let her know that you also trust her.

I would not allow my 16 year old daughter to date a 22 year old man- period.

If she were 18 or 19, and he was 22, I would likely advise her about protection, and most likely she would realize that he's a bum, and it wouldn't last long. I'd also encourage her to go on the pill.

But, a 16 year old with a 22 year old is too big a gap in maturity. Six years is just too big a difference, and that he is willing to keep it a secret, and not 'man up' to this relationship shows that he's also sneaky, and suspicious in his intent.

If the 22 year old has parents, I would speak to them. It may not do any good, but at least everybody is on the same page. Now that you know, so too should they.

Keep a closer eye on your daughter. 16 year olds are nowhere being adults, and capable of making adult decisions, particularly with men who are much older than they are.

Your daughter may be at the age of consent legally, but she is still your responsibility if she lives with you, and depends on you. Yes you should speak to the parents, if nothing else to make sure they are aware of what's going on, and your concerns.

Maybe it will get you a scoop on this guy, just so you are not completely in the dark as to his character, or intentions. Further is she still in school or is she able to support herself with a job.

If she is making adult decisions then she can pay adult consequences, and hard as that is for any parent, she has to live by adult rules, and responsibilities. And its your house, and YOU are the chief adult. So guess who makes the rules? Age of consent or NOT. Where is her father, and does he know about any of this?? I hardly think he would not be a valuable assistant in making a united front with you, but I won't swear to it, simply because you have not mentioned him.

Now if she wants to sneak around, and go behind your back for this fellow, then he, and his parents need to know who pays for a roof over her head, and if they don't like it, or the law, then they can pay her way. If the law says she can consent, and make her decisions, then give her the options to be an adult, or be YOUR child. Let her make a decision, but in no way do you support the one she is making now.

Sorry, I'm old school, and its my house, and whomever doesn't like my rules, can leave and get their own house. You will never stop being a parent, but you can never be a pushover in your own house.

What's with some parents, why don't you try trusting your Daughter, accept she's growing up and is almost an adult in all ways, and at 16 she's legal, in England all 16 yr olds are legal, we have equal rights here,

You say the guy is a bum, how do you know he is, plus what gives anyone the right to judge another, he may be a really nice person, so why not get to know him, give them a chance, and above all trust your Daughter whatever she is you created, whatever she decides you have taught her how to be who she is so if she makes errors then she learned that from you, live and let live.

Our children are not our possessions, they're people in their own right.

If you try to befriend your Daughter and learn to trust her, you'll probably find she will honour that trust, but by making a fuss over who she chooses to be friends with you are going to alienate her.

Also from what Ive seen here in UK many young girls are choosing to date older males, I am assuming the Father is not around, or something, and this is what is behind young girls choosing older males they're looking to replace the Father figure, it is happening all the time.

Don't you remember when you were young, we all of us rebelled in some way, and your Daughter is possibly doing just that and if you continue to make a big thing out of her seeing the boy next door then you are just going to send her right into his arms.

Please before you pass judgement get to know the facts, or you could end up losing your Daughters trust and you will end up very hurt and heartbroken, because you can bet your life she will choose him, because by making a fuss you are making the male more appealing, She needs trust and understanding not condemnation and hostiliy.

Try remembering how you were at the age of 16.

The problem as I see it is the deception on both their parts, the continued deception and disrespect.
He is 22 she is 16, she may be legal there but she is still 16 and he is still 22 living with his parents.

I would have a talk with his parents. Let them know how you feel about this relationship, see if they even know about it.
Yeah talk to your daughter, let her know what you expect, where boundaries are.
I lived at home until I got married ate 23. My mom had rules and I followed them up until the time I left home.
I don't care how "grown or adult" you are, until you are taking care of yourself, you are subject to the rules of where you are living.

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Originally Posted by positive parent

Whats with some parents, why dont you try trusting your Daughter, accept shes growing up and is almost an adult in all ways, and at 16 shes legal, in England all 16 yr olds are legal, we have equal rights here,



Try remembering how you were at the age of 16.

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She has already proven she can't be trusted. She had been sneaking around with this guy so she knows what she was doing was wrong at 15. She was trusted then, now mama knows what was up.

Is the mother still responsible for her 16 year old's actions there? Is she living in her mother's home, eating her mother's food?
She maybe legal but she is not grown and she needs to respect her mother's home.
A legal 16 is still a 16 year old and in my opinion has no business with a 22 year old man.
He has no business with her and he was messing with her before she was legal. That is enough to make a parent not trust him.

I do remember 16 and over active hormones so yes, there needs to be some boundaries.
I remember my daughter at 16 and there were boundaries.


positiveparent, I don't know why you saw fit to give me a reddie today from my post almost two weeks ago when you know I corrected my post after I found out the op was in the UK.
The advice was not incorrect based on the knowledge at the time.

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

Whats with some parents, why dont you try trusting your Daughter, accept shes growing up and is almost an adult in all ways, and at 16 shes legal, in England all 16 yr olds are legal, we have equal rights here,

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Before YOU pass judgment on other people's answers maybe you should READ what the OP wrote. As others have pointed out, the OP stated that this man lazes around and lives off the state. That she tried to stop the relationship and they continued to sneak around. This man DEFIED the girls parents. What does that tell you about him?

You are making a lot of assumptions based on very little info. While it's certainly true, that kids are growing up sooner then they used to, that's not necessarily a good thing. A 22 yr old should be concerned with work and a career. A 16 yr old should be concerned with school. A 4 yr difference is not much, expect when one of the parties is an adult and the other a child.

There is of course another approach you could take, you could make your own home more appealing, by creating an environment of peace and tranquility, because I would think right now one reason your Daughter wants to go see this young man is to escape the hostility of her own home environment, she possibly feels you don't understand her or listen to her, and that the young Man does.

Try making her a friend, by treating her like one, take her to the movies once a week, have a girls night In, and let her choose what you both do on those nights IN, tell her about your own first love.

Let or encourage her to have her girlfriends over for a sleep in, that's 3 of 7 nights she will be occupied with thoughts other than those of the young man.

Go shopping with her, or window shopping, have girlie conversationas with her, and make sure you leave out the topic of her with the young Man.

Finds things to do with your Daughter that take her mind off the issues she has with you over her seeing this young Man.

Go around to your neighbour and find out what their views on it are, but don't go shouting to your Daughter that they too disagree with it. Or Agree with it.

Make any conversations you have with your Daughter be about anything other than heated disputes with her over her seeing him.

Perhaps you could compromise by say allowing her to see him but in your home, and stipulate a time that he is to go home by, this way you'll have more control, Allow her to see him in your home say 3 times a week, and explain to her that she also needs time to be with you or her girlfriends, family time. Etc etc.

I hope you can resolve these issues with your Daughter, I feel if you stop making anything of her seeing this young man, by doing the above or similar it'll probably fizzle out, she will grow out of him on her own accord, if he isn't made so appealing by being forbidden. Good Luck.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Before YOU pass judgment on other people's answers maybe you should READ what the OP wrote. As others have pointed out, the OP stated that this man lazes around and lives off the state. That she tried to stop the relationship and they continued to sneak around. This man DEFIED the girls parents. What does that tell you about him?

You are making a lot of assumptions based on very little info. While it's certainly true, that kids are growing up sooner then they used to, that's not necessarily a good thing. A 22 yr old should be concerned with work and a career. A 16 yr old should be concerned with school. A 4 yr difference is not much, expect when one of the parties is an adult and the other a child.

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I was not making assumptions I was merely making a suggestion, I have read what the OP wrote, and no where in her post is there any mention of her having spoken to the young man in question, she has though passed judgement on him as being a bum, there is a huge amount of unemployment in UK it could be that he is unable to find employment.

Also in UK the kids leave school at age 16, college is optional.