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I do not think this is from the divorce, I think something has happened recently...
You say she started acting like this about three months ago? You also said you married her dad three years ago, so I suppose it has to be something else, unless she is just figuring out all the problems that come along with a broken home.. I urge you to try and find out what it is.;)
I don't think it's the divorce and reamarriage if this has just started. Get her counseling before it grows into some monster that disrupts the entire family.
I am a person that grew up in a divorced family since I was 5 and my own children who are now adults went through my divorce as children also, so I do know how it can be first hand. The situation at hand isn't that she doesn't get enough attention from her father, he is at all times doting on her, and doing one on one activities with her. If this is a case of divorce trauma, why didn't this start happening three years ago when the divorce happened? A three year delay in that reaction is quite odd don't you think? I think it's a case of attention getting from the two parents and she figured out the game of playing parent against parent. I did it when I was a kid and so did mine, and I have also been a step-parent in my last relationship I had of 8 years and she did it too. So I by all means have been through all the divorce trauma kids play at all angels here. The situation I'm in now is that she realizes she's no longer the baby and still wants to act like a 6 year old in all ways. Even as far as still sucking her thumb and playing with baby dolls. I think she needs to be taught to be a young lady now, not a baby. I have a 7 year old grandaughter that when they're together, she acts just like the 7 year old. Sorry but I don't find that normal behaviour for a 12 year old. Part of parenting I believe is you need to teach adult behaviour at a certain age, not give in to treating them childlike their whole life. They need to learn life skills as well even though no matter how old our children are, we always love them as much as when they WERE babies.Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlWSlingshot
Right on sister.
You are pinning the tail on the donkey per se. As parents we need to guide or children into adulthood so they are self sufficient, independent successful citizens. By coddling them and keeping them younger than their age is detrimental and just plain irresponsible. The last thing they need is to be grown women who are needy, selfish and hard to have relationships with. They will suffer long term if you don't get this gal over this hump. If she is sucking her thumb.. she really needs some professional help, it's obvious..
Thanks much for the input. Now if I could only get her father to see that without him saying I'm picking on her.Quote:
Originally Posted by Labello
I've gone through this and my ex said I was jealous of his daughter. Don't buy into any of their pittiful excuses, the girl is growing up and needs to be guided in the right direction. I think there are a lot of parents that feel guilty for whatever reason and this type of thing is what happens.
I was called the "outside party" in all this to top it all off! I understand I'm just a step-parent but I WILL have a say in what effects my life too. I basically told him if he doesn't think I do, then we have to go our separate ways. I don't want to deal with unresolved issues like this when she's a teenager and out of control. Your right by saying they have every excuse in the book too! It takes weeks to try to solve any problems and by the time their addressed, I'm at the point of giving up and so angry. Then he says I always get sooooo mad! Being the so called outside party, its real easy to see these issues and know there's a problem. I just don't believe a 12 year old needs to START having to sleep with a parent, and have the mom and dad think that sucking her thumb and acting like she's 7 is appropriate and never will. I guess I call it lazy parenting thinking all of this will just up and stop all by itself one day. Its OK to tell your child no or stop it. They will get over it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Labello
I left. I couldn't take it, I ended up resenting everyone so now they can live their weird lives in peace and can sleep together until the cows come home, I just won't have to watch it or have it cause so much turmoil in my life.
You are the outside party. You're marrying into a family that is already formed. So if this is coming up now, it's going to be a pretty good representation of how things are going to be in the marriage. It sounds like your fiancé is pretty firmly on his daughter's side. And to a certain extent, that's a really good thing.Quote:
Originally Posted by whoknowsit
I don't think this is a reaction to the divorce. She obviously dealt with that over the last few years. I think this is a reaction to what she sees as an invasion into a family that has already split up once. In her mind, even if she likes you as a person, she's going to have to share her dad with you. And I doubt she's a big fan of that idea.
This isn't about lazy parenting. This is about a little girl who lost her sense of security three years ago. And now she's going to lose her place (in her mind at least) at her father's side. So of course she's going to freak out a bit.
Im not an outside party in my own home. And if the father trusts me enough to be with me he should be able to trust my input on what's appropriate behaviour or not. Ive raised two kids and been a step parent before, I'm not stupid. So your basically saying is that after three years of establishing a relationship here with the father and his child, I should let a 12 year old decide what's best for herself and act anyway she darn well pleases? If she sits her alone with me and wants to smoke pot, I don't have any say in that manner either? She has a home at her mothers house and we have one here. It won't always be the same rules or go her way. Its just different. Both homes have the child's best interests at hand and are trying to do what's best for her. But a child doesn't rule the roost. The adults do.Teaching a 12 year old not to suck her thumb anymore, and act like a young lady, and not START wanting to sleep with a father, having rules is being a caring parent. Teaching kids to grow up and act like adults comes with being a parent too. Step or not, that's a part of a family too.
You're not an outside party in your own home, you're an outside party in his parental relationship with his daughter. Step-parenting is thankless work.Quote:
Originally Posted by whoknowsit
It's not up to you to decide how she should behave. I agree that her behavior should be curbed. But it needs to be curbed by her father, if and when he decides to stand up. But that's not up to you. And you'll be a part of the family whether she likes it or not once you marry her father. But for now you aren't even legally married to her father. So unfortunately, you have even less say than a step-parent.
You've obviously never dealt with a stituation like this before and probably not even a parent. I guess its always easier to pass judgement on other peoples situations without ever having dealt with it. I see a little girl that has some serious issues that need to be addressed and I won't sit by and just watch it. Its like the person watching a child being beaten and some people will turn the other cheek and say oh well, its not MY kid. If they can't see there's a problem I feel really sorry for them when she's a teenager, and if my fiancé doesn't like my input, he knows where the door is, and so far he hasn't used it.Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlWSlingshot
I'm not passing judgement. However, if that's what you want... we could start with the fact that you've done this before so you should know what you're getting into.Quote:
Originally Posted by whoknowsit
I have actually dealt with situations like this before, not as the step-parent though. You talk in this post as if you're looking out for the child, as if this is perfectly benevolent. But your other posts deal more with annoyance at the situation. I understand your frustration, but try to remember that this is a child who was completely uprooted by the divorce. And now she is scared to death of having to share her father and having her family split once more.
The same "knows where the door is" illustration applies to you too. This is the situation you're marrying into. There is a child that is in pain and not expressing it appropriately. There is a father who would (according to you) rather coddle his daughter than deal with behavioral issues. So if that is not a situation you agree with, it's up to you to get out while you can rather than spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle to an (again, your words) out of control daughter and coddling father.
And BTW, I am a parent. And a divorced parent to boot. So I can feel your pain on the remarriage thing. But I've also been on the child's side. My parents split when I was a teenager. And I've watched my little sisters get dragged through my parents' bad choices of subsequent partners and how they dealt with blending families.
And to clarify, I know what I have replied might have seemed cold to you, but I'm trying to remind you that you're not dealing with another adult here. You're dealing with a child that has real pain and real emotions and doesn't know how to manage those things like an adult should. So you can't expect that. And of course the father is going to side with his little girl and be defensive about his parenting choices. That's natural too. I was only trying to offer some perspective.
Hello whoknowsit... I'm just wondering, having read the thread through, does she sleep between you both, or is it that your not allowed into the bed once the daughter gets in.
I must say I do find it odd that this situation has only develop over the last few months. There must have been a trigger.
Her father must see that this is not healthy for her, yourselves or to any on looker from the outside.
Please forgive me for suggesting this, are you absolutely concrete certain that the father daughter relationship is exactly that?
At 12 years old she would be going to senior school so would be fully aware of the birds and the bees etc. etc.
I think you must continue you stance on this issue, whether it's by asking the father to make a firm stand not allowing it or you both decide to accompany her to a counciller where she can air her fears and thoughts.
If she can see that you are a couple together in everything you do, no matter how hard she tries to come between, maybe eventually she might realise that she'd like you all to be a family and not just her dad and herself.
Time will tell, but you must stand firm together.
When I was younger I slept with my parents. Only because my father was in the army and I loved when he was home but hated when he was gone. So when he was home I tried to soap up as must time as possible with him. Of course this made my mom furious, now I understand why, and she used to kick me out her bed when possible. Mom used to say "go to your own room with your own bed and my dad would say "let her stay". My dad never did anything out the ordinary to me I was just a daddy's girl.
However, I think this girl don't like you because if she preferred for him to sleep on the couch then with you, this proves the point. However, I think this is the father battle and he needs to set boundaries and deal with the issue with you by his side. Right now she sees you as the enemy and her view of you needs to change. Also, keep in mind that you never know what she's hearing from the mother, if anything.
But for now your fiancé need to step up but he won't do that because he sees nothing wrong so before he can or willing to do anything his views on the issue at hand must change. Until then nothing will change or be done. So you can scream and shout all you want but in the end nothing will change. Change starts with the father.
I do not think that whoknowsit is out of line whatsoever. Either in her assessment of the situation, or that she is EQUAL in the decisions made within the family. Like it or not, she IS family.
Maybe step-parents fail so often is that they take a backseat, and presume the position of second class citizen?
There is nothing simple about raising a child. Especially a maniuplative one, who by the very nature of the beast, will do strange and stressful things even without realizing why. They are creative and if they try hard enough, somebody will give.
If all parents saw each other each as a PARENT instead of varying and lesser degress of same, and could collectively agree that none is the wiser of the other, or that one has more or less influence over their 'status', everybody would likely come to the conclusion that the best course of action is quite obvious.
To take a commitment on with eyes wide open, and know that your life will never be the same, and challenges will test you to the core, is when, surely, the father and the girl's mother can muster up the resolve to be adults, AND parent the child- all together.
To do otherwise polarizes all the adults, feeds into the deception and has everyone spinning their wheels and getting nothing accomplished.
First the bed, then the real fun starts with the teenage years. I'd be putting the ground rules down now, and insisting that the parents at least negotiate what needs to be done so that consistency rules the day.
When that happens, these little games will stop. The child has the clout of a Gold Card with an unlimited balance, and it's time to take that hammer away.
I guess this is just the essential point where we disagree. I don't see how at this point, the original poster is a parent of this girl. A concerned adult, yes. A member of the father's household, yes. Someone who is planning on one day being a parent, yes. But currently a parent, no.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
Jake2008, from the posts I read, including what I wrote, I don't think nobody said the op was out of line.
Yes, she is the stepparent but the issues is really with the father. Her fiancé sees nothing wrong with the issue at hand so right now this puts them on two separate pages. They need to be on the same page. Until he is willing to deal with the problem and see this is really an issue she can say anything she wants but her concerns are falling on deaf ears.
I've a daughter and a stepson and I know one thing that when it comes to parenting both perents most work as team and deal with issues that occur together. This applies when you're a stepparent too and a stepparent input should be listen to too.
Exactly. But so far she is not yet married into this family. But her fiancé is making it quite clear that she is not a team member. This is a point where she needs to find out where she's going to stand in the family. If he won't put his foot down and make sure that she's respected then this might not be the best choice for her.Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
(This is not directed to you Liz) However, we need to remember that this child has had her family torn apart and now is looking at the prospect of having her father (in her mind) stolen from her. So a little compassion is important. From what I've read here, the child is not being overtly disrespectful. She is having a hard time sleeping by herself and is showing some major developmental setbacks in the form of thumb sucking and the like.
Major family and individual counseling might be called for. This little girl is begging for attention.
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