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-   -   Adult Daughter Won't Speak to me. (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=65155)

  • Feb 22, 2007, 01:12 AM
    cjwilson2740
    Adult Daughter Won't Speak to me.
    She's 43 and has not liked being around me for years. She seems to be jelous of me being happy. She likes it when I'm completely helpless, like after surgery she took me into her home. She's married has 4 children and lives an afluent life style. My husband and I visit three times a year. They live 1200 miles away and never leave their home to travel.

    She hasn't talked to me by phone for years, she always puts on the kids or her husband gets the phone and she's n the tub, taking a nap or bathing the boys. If she answers she's going out the door, or helping someone. But when I'm there she talks on the phone for hours to her friends.

    If it wasn't for the grandchildren I wouln'd bother with the visits or phone calls. What should I do?
  • Feb 22, 2007, 07:09 AM
    moomin007
    Hi,
    The only answer really is to talk to her. It does sound as though there are other 'issues' going on her life:
    Is your husband her father? Could he talk to her?
    Is she happy that you live so far away? Or does she resent it?
    How old are her kids? Is she feeling un-needed?
    How often do you speak with her? Does she feel suffocated?
    Does she envy the fact you aren't an 'active' parent any more? (she has to deal with the kids/nappies/sickness/tantrums etc!)
    Just because someone is affluent, doesn't mean they are happy. ( money can't buy happiness)

    Explain to her how you feel, that you feel it is affecting your relationship with her. Don't point the finger but just that things seem to be different than they used to. Ask her how she really is. Tell her you love her.

    It will take courage but if you are this unhappy with the situation, you can do it.

    She may well be feeling the same but doesn't know how to approach you either!

    Hope this helps
    Good luck!
  • Feb 22, 2007, 08:12 AM
    talaniman
    Enjoy your life and your grandkids as they are special. As for your daughter, leave her alone. That's what she wants, give it to her. Whatever her problem is she has to deal with it, not you.
  • Feb 22, 2007, 09:08 AM
    isabelle
    I hear more and more of this kind of thing all the time.
    I had the same problem and my advice to you is not to try to talk to her. I did and now I am not welcome in their home and I haven't seen my 2 grandkids for about 2 years now. My son is 42 and he says he hates me but will never address the reasons he hates me.
    Just try to ignore the things your daughter does and love your grandkids. At least you are still in her home.
  • Feb 22, 2007, 12:19 PM
    Teaching
    It is really sad, however I have seen this and "things are a circle - what you give is what you get", not that you or I wish that on anyone, however one day you will see her kids will do that to her... it is written.
  • Feb 22, 2007, 03:43 PM
    isabelle
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Teaching
    It is really sad, however I have seen this and "things are a circle - what you give is what you get", not that you or I wish that on anyone, however one day you will see her kids will do that to her.......it is written.


    I think you are right however, I don't know if I would wish this on my son. On one side perhaps it would make him remember the hurt he did to me.. on the other hand to have ones child turn against you is the worst hurt imaginable.
    I also agree that this seems to be occurring more and more often.
  • Feb 22, 2007, 03:57 PM
    Teaching
    I agree "we would never want to wish that lesson on anyone", especially our own child. The truth is that I have seen it happen. The only thing we can teach or try and promote is empathy and hope it helps us all.
  • Feb 24, 2007, 04:24 AM
    tinsign
    The only way you will solve whatever the problem of her avoiding you is to talk one on one. Perhaps you could talk to her husband, as to why she is acting like this toward you.
  • Mar 27, 2007, 07:27 AM
    ladyone
    As a 47 year old daughter who prefers limited contact with her mother, I thought I might be of some help. So let me tell you about my view of me & my mom. If my mom was to approach me with her concern about my lack of receptiveness to her she would push me further from her. I really can't stand her & yet I love her. I have forgiven her much, which to some would seem like little things, yet there is a control issue between us. It is important for children to separate from their parents & it is also as important for parents to separate from their children. Parents need to let go. My mother sees me as "HER" daughter which I am yet I am a separate person. We are different. I am low energy, low key, and my mother is a powerhouse, yet at the same time I find she steals my energy, leaving me depressed & overwhelmed. It is easier for me to avoid her then to conform to her needs. My mother is not a horrible person, yet she drives me nuts. Is it her fault, is it my fault. Yes both. My suggestion is back off. Call to talk to your grandchildren, call to talk to your son-in-law, enjoy it. Ask them to give her your love. When you do talk to your daughter, ask how she is, listen & don't offer advise or solutions. Offer understanding, not comparison. Say I know. Keep it brief. Don't be afraid of silence. Do not analyze her or yourself to her. Observe (become aware of) your behavior, body language, voice tone. Look at this outside of emotion. It can be done. Relax. Let your daughter be. You want approval, aceptance, you want her to conform to fit your needs. She has her own needs. As long as things seem otherwise okay, accept her need to distant herself. You might not approve. Yet acceptance and approval are not the same thing. Acceptance without approval is called tolerance. Be polite. Don't step over her boundaries. See her differently. She's probably not who you think she is. Shed your preconceived notions about her likes & dislikes & about who she is. Love her anyway. Don't let your hurt make you her pain.
    I am going through this on the flip too, with one of my teen daughters. What do I do? Love, Care, Compassion, letting go.. . Trying not to be afraid of being ignored, rejected, put down. Patience, self-dependence, availability "I'm here if you need me." Good luck. As a note pad my mother gave me says "Life is hard. It's not for whimps."
  • Jun 1, 2007, 07:41 PM
    Forgiven
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by ladyone
    As a 47 year old daughter who prefers limited contact with her mother, I thought I might be of some help. So let me tell you about my view of me & my mom. If my mom was to approach me with her concern about my lack of receptiveness to her she would push me further from her. I really can't stand her & yet I love her. I have forgiven her much, which to some would seem like little things, yet there is a control issue between us. It is important for children to separate from their parents & it is also as important for parents to separate from their children. Parents need to let go. My mother sees me as "HER" daughter which I am yet I am a separate person. We are different. I am low energy, low key, and my mother is a powerhouse, yet at the same time I find she steals my energy, leaving me depressed & overwhelmed. It is easier for me to avoid her then to conform to her needs. My mother is not a horrible person, yet she drives me nuts. Is it her fault, is it my fault. Yes both. My suggestion is back off. Call to talk to your grandchildren, call to talk to your son-in-law, enjoy it. Ask them to give her your love. When you do talk to your daughter, ask how she is, listen & don't offer advise or solutions. Offer understanding, not comparison. Say I know. Keep it brief. Don't be afraid of silence. Do not analyze her or yourself to her. Observe (become aware of) your behavior, body language, voice tone. Look at this outside of emotion. It can be done. Relax. Let your daughter be. You want approval, aceptance, you want her to conform to fit your needs. She has her own needs. As long as things seem otherwise okay, accept her need to distant herself. You might not approve. Yet acceptance and approval are not the same thing. Acceptance without approval is called tolerance. Be polite. Don't step over her boundaries. See her differently. She's probably not who you think she is. Shed your preconceived notions about her likes & dislikes & about who she is. Love her anyway. Don't let your hurt make you her pain.
    I am going thru this on the flip too, with one of my teen daughters. ? What do I do? Love, Care, Compassion, letting go. . .Trying not to be afraid of being ignored, rejected, put down. Patience, self-dependence, availability "I'm here if you need me." Good luck. As a note pad my mother gave me says "Life is hard. It's not for whimps."

    Ladyone, If I didn't know better, I would guess that you are my daughter. Just remember that what you sow is what you reap. It is good to treat people the way you want to be treated.
  • Jun 1, 2007, 08:09 PM
    JoeCanada76
    It sounds like you're the one that is jealous of her. She is always busy taking care of her family. You do not like that she is not giving you any time, well guess what. Why should she. She has four children. She is busy raising. As far as travelling. How do you expect them to travel when they are so far away and busy with children, 4 of them. When you visit. Sorry but not all the attention will be given to you nor should be. It might be nice but you have to realize that no one is going stop living their everyday life because you decided to visit. Hope you understand that I am not picking on you but this is my own opinion. Could stem from my own experiences.

    Also understand there are two sides to every story. I am listening to your side but all I see is nothing wrong, but on your side of things.
  • Jun 1, 2007, 08:16 PM
    JoeCanada76
    I would also like to add that in my own personal experience with my wife's family. They are very controlling, and hateful, there is lots of emotional abuse and even physical at one time. So I believe that a child when leaves the nest s has every right to be happy but if they do everything in their power to make their own children miserable honestly why would I or anybody I know would want to be around that.

    Like I said earlier every experience is different. To preach about you reap what you sow, you do not know what seeds have been sown, and for me staying away mother, mother in law and any family member who tries put down my wife or me or our family. Protecting my family from abuse is more important to me and keeping them away for the mental/ and physical safety is important.

    Yet, I am the bad guy.

    Joe
  • Jun 1, 2007, 09:04 PM
    Forgiven
    Dear 76, Thanks for giving me the what for. I will consider all you've suggested. I just want to say that since you don't know anything about my situation with my daughter it is hard for you to judge. I notice that you are a "relationship expert." Do you specialize in keeping relationships together or separating them? I'm serious.
  • Jun 1, 2007, 09:32 PM
    JoeCanada76
    If you actually read what I said. I said right from the start that every situation is different. That I am only speaking from my personal situation that I personally went through.

    It is hard to piece every situation together completely when we are only giving some info or just one side of the story.

    By the way there was no judging what so ever.

    Joe
  • Jun 3, 2007, 06:11 AM
    isabelle
    I think the best thing to do is keep trying to have a relationship and try not to be angry. Maybe she is too busy or just maybe she is not taking the time she could take to be with you. I don't know, but I don't think jealousy has anything to do with it.
    Keep sending those birthday and holiday cards and gifts, continue to lend a helping hand when you can,and above all do not get into any conflicts with her. It never hurts to eat some crow pie but don't allow yourself to become the scape goat.
    If you did the best you could when raising her, then that is all you could have done. If you are being the best Grand Mother you can be, there is nothing left to do and perhaps time will change things.
  • Jun 4, 2007, 07:38 AM
    Forgiven
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Jesushelper76
    If you actually read what i said. I said right from the start that every situation is different. That I am only speaking from my personal situation that i personally went through.

    It is hard to piece every situation together completely when we are only giving some info or just one side of the story.

    By the way there was no judging what so ever.

    Joe

    My apologies! I DID read your letter wrong. I was thinking that you assumed that my situation was the same as yours. It isn't! I'm sorry !
  • Jun 4, 2007, 12:36 PM
    JoeCanada76
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Forgiven
    My apologies! I DID read your letter wrong. I was thinking that you assumed that my situation was the same as yours. It isn't! I'm sorry !

    No problem, I just wanted to make sure you knew where I was coming from and that I was not assuming anything. Thank you for responding to my last post.

    Joe
  • Jun 4, 2007, 12:42 PM
    bushg
    Some people can not relate to other people if there is not some kind of crisis, she may be like this. I have a sisterinlaw just like this. Unless there is a crisis then don't count on her. Yes she can be petty and jealous. Btw the way if she visits it is for a short while 10, 15 minutes and out the door. It used to hurt my feeling's but you learn to accept people how they are or stay away from them. Of course if it were one of my kids I don't know how I would respond.:)peace
  • Jul 31, 2008, 03:43 AM
    Inprayer
    It seems to me like moms are always the one that has to change. Although I think we do have to change... a lot. We have to learn to be mothers of "Adult children". But where is it written that daughters don't have to learn also how to be an "adult daughters"
  • Aug 3, 2008, 03:20 AM
    annamarie4
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Inprayer
    It seems to me like moms are always the one that has to change. Although I think we do have to change....a lot. We have to learn to be mothers of "Adult children". But where is it written that daughters don't have to learn also how to be an "adult daughters"

    I agree that we mums have to change. It is difficult to see our children as adults with lives of their own and to be excluded from it. My daughter has'nt spoken or got in contact with me for over three years now. I have not been able to see my grandson in this time either.
    Of course I have tried to make contact many times, but I got so hurt by her rejection that I now no longer try. The last time was 2 years ago. I send my grandson a birthday card and a gift for each birthday, and I was told by other daughter, who won't get involved, that it is accepted. It is so hard to hold back and not make contact, it is the most hurtful thing that a parent could have to do but iv'e become tough and realise that it was my daughter that wanted it this way, not me, and I have had to learn to 'let go' and pray that time will heal this rift. I know she loves me and has issues to work through herself, but us mums want to 'get in there' and fix it for them. It has taken me all these years to realise I have to step back and let her just 'be'. My only crime in all of this was that I cared too much and wanted to help her, but I have HAD to change now. Of course she has to change too, otherwise this won't heal, but by leaving her alone and letting her grow up, she's almost 27,things are beginning to look up. My other daughter has mentioned that she has no problem with me seeing my grandchild now.This is all very good, but it has to come from her ,no one else, as I cannot see my grandchild hurt if he is seeing me and his mum is not talking to me, this would do him such emotional damage. I seriously would prefer never to have contact with him rather that see him caught in this tangle and harm his little life, there is enough hurt going on already. If I had this news a year ago, I would have jumped in feet first, but time and 'letting go' has taught me a valuable lesson. I ache to see them both, but I also have to protect myself as I became ill as a result of all of this. So it will have to be done in an 'adult' way on both sides. So my view on all those adult children who abandon their loving and caring mum's is, if they leave, if they stop talking to you, if you tried to mend it and they don't want to know, just leave them be! It's absolutely heart wrenching to do this and you may want to keep going back, but in the end they will see that you are not prepared to be treated like this, and this is a shock to them. THEY know we love them unconditionally, THEY play on that. WE know we love them, WE must LET GO. This incidentally, has also helped me so much with some difficulties I was having recently with my other daughter. I refused to 'get in there' and fix things for her. I could see the whole pattern with my eldest girl unfold all over again, I stepped back, reminded her I loved her, but DID NOT get involved. The result? One confused daughter, but a daughter who now respects me more and treats me like a good mum should be treated. I could have blown it with her, but I had changed, and that in turn forces them to look at themselves, hence THEY change. This is just my opinion, and what worked for me after years of struggling with hurt and pain. It still hurts and will until it is resolved, but I'm now in a stronger and better place. I pray for all hurting mums out there. We are all saints in the making!

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