As I'm laying down I'm wondering how I should start.
I guess my dad didn't want me when I was a baby. He would hit my mom because I would cry.. Actually he would hit her because of a lot of things. You see, he was an alcoholic, to him it didn't matter where they were. Later on as I grew up him and I got along. There were times when he would hit me too, but I still loved him. I still do and always will regardless of anything.
When I was seven I got caught with an older cousin of mine with my pants pulled down. I'm not exactly sure what happened between him and I but I do remember my parents agreeing to make me sleep at my aunts house (who I didn't really talk to) after I got beaten up first.
When It was time to go to bed and I was there already, I laid in the floor. With tears running down and not trying to make a sound I was talking to my grandma who passed away. I was saying how much I wish she was there for me. After that years passed.
I would talk about what happened when I was eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve and so on until now. But even right now that I'm typing this I'm crying. I'm crying because of how fed up I am to still hold these feelings.
Last summer I had a sexual assault from someone who I thought was a friend. At that time I had a boyfriend (who's my boyfriend now) and I had to tell him what happened even though I didn't want to because I was too scared of what might of happened. I told him the night it happened. The guys dropped me off blocks away from his house and left me like a dog. I ran to his house trying not to cry. But when he drove me back to my house I told him and I let it out. The last thing I said was that I was sorry, but to please not tell my parents. He broke up with me when I had told him and I started having trouble sleeping after that. One day he came to tell my parents thinking he wanted me back.
He told them and they made me report what happened.
Months passed by and I'm at this point. Leaving so much out because there's other things I just can't say not even to you that I can't see.
I'm just trying to keep myself occupied because believe it or not I got into depression and anxiety. I think about suicide but I can't because I question my faith. I can't die knowing that my parents don't trust me that much anymore.
I'm so sick of not being happy the majority of the time. Not even being on the varsity soccer team makes me happy. Not knowing how to express my emotions to my family hurts. I'm sorry if you're confused. I can't think straight right now
