My Wonderful Husband died just under 2 days ago, Ive had members of my family die before, and seemed to cope fairly well,however with this I don't know what to do with myself, I feel lost alone, so sad, Ive got 3 Sons 1 aged 4 1 aged 13, I also have another older Son who has taken my boys to his house until tomorrow, that's when the funeral is. I feel numb and as if Im in a sort of nightmare, I don't want to see other people really, I know they're being kind and thoughtful, but I don't know what to say to them.

I never thought any pain could be so hard, I can't seem to be bothered to do anything, I don't even want my boys around me, and yet I know they need me, I thought I was stronger than I am, now though I feel like a jibbering wreck, I know there's no normal "grief" and its different for everyone, I just don't know what to do, I feel like a zombie or something, as if Im going through the motions. I don't know what Im asking really, I am hoping someone can tell me or help me or say that why Im like this is normal, or to be expected.

I can't sleep or eat, I don't want to take part in life. Everything seems to be happening so fast. I feel like shutting myself away I don't want to face the world, or anything. I keep thinking Ill wake up and find its all a bad dream, but its not.

The 13 yr old isn't my Son he was from my Husbands previous Marriage, will they take him away from me. His mother signed away her parental rights but could she try to get him back now? He calls me his Mum though and Ive had him since he was 6-7. I regard him as mine though.

Did you legally adopt the son?

The grief site you posted so recently should be helpful and a comfort to you. As you said then, there are five stages. You may or may not pass through all five.

Everyone is different - I was totally numb and waited for months for my husband to come home. Sounds stupid but that's how it was. I simply couldn't believe it - and I was there, holding his hand, when he died.

There is no normal or not normal - you go through what you go through and you do whatever (I found) gets you through the night, so to speak.

Hang in there - several of us have been in your shoes and it's been different for all of us.

It's good that you have such strong family support.

I found that dealing with the "legal" aspects (the Will, etc.) kept me busy but kept my loss fresh. If someone else could help you with that aspect it would be easier for you in the long run.

Thank You Judykaytee, I did adopt my Husbands Son.

I too am waiting for him to come home, I look for him listen for him, I feel Im in a bad dream.
Ive got the will to deal with too, although my Husbands solicitor is dealing with all that I believe, it will be read sometime next week.

I too held my husbands hand in the ambulance but apparently he had already gone, he had a massive heart attack, he was only 39. He thought he had indigestion or heart burn, and the next minute he grabbed his chest and was unconscious. It happened so fast.

A widow who lost her husband quickly will tell you that's the hardest part, the suddenness. Those of us who sat at bedsides and talked about his impending death and then watched him happen will tell you that's the hardest way to lose a spouse.

If you have adopted the boy, you are his mother and no one/nothing can change that.

In the US the Will is not read. The Executor/Executrix gets it, admits it to probate. No big, dramatic reading - thank goodness.

My husband, incidentally, had 3 major heart attacks - it's not like you see on TV (as you well know).

Again - I'm sorry, so very sorry.

Thank You Again.

Yes I know what you mean about nothing like on T.V. the ambulance men/paramedics had to wait until the machine told them it was OK to move him before he could be taken to the hospital.

OMG Im going to go crazy, the undertakers have just brought ( well about an hour ago) my husband back to the house he is to be here over night, and all I want to do is go and get him.

There's a person from undertakers who will be here until another one relieves him at midnight, but the caskets open at the head part and won't be secured until the morning. I can't face it.

I so desperately want to go get him out of it.

This is very different from the US and what I experienced.

I can't imagine.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

This is very different from the US and what I experienced.

I can't imagine.

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It's really sad PP. Are people allowed to send flowers? I really am sorry.
How are the little boys? How are his parents? I hope you can get through this. You'll miss him and especially when or if you take the boys to San Tropez. It will probably do you good to get away although I know you will be thinking of him the whole time. I wish I had the words to tell you how I feel. I just don't know what to say.. . Thinking a lot about you... Kit

PP, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I can't imagine what you're going through, I'd be wreck, I don't know how you're doing it, you're a very strong person to be dealing with this, but still be able to come here, give advice to others.

Remember that this site is all about helping people. We're here to help you when and if you need it.

You and your children are in my thoughts.

This is really all I can offer as far as grief.

Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement

I know it seems little.I am not very good around loss like this.

I hope we can help you any way possible,you are such a giving soul,now it's time for us to give to you:)

PP, I just want to extend my sincerest condolences to you. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. Losing someone is never easy, and I am sure anything I could say would sound cliché. I just want you to know, you and your family are in my prayers.

No one can tell you what to do or say my friend. All I could suggest is that you take one step at a time. I am sorry this happened it is shattering I know. Bless you.

Stringer

Having my Husband in the house over night turned out to be quite a big comfort, I stayed with him all night talking to him holding his hands, telling him Ill always love him and miss him, His casket was sealed at 8:30am, just after that we left for the funeral, it was quiet peaceful, numb, unreal, I feel Im in a film or something, and Im watching it all.

This afternoon I set 2 whites doves free, (well they go back to the owner) but the symbolism was for my husband to be at peace.

I still can't get my head around how it seems to have all happened so fast, he was here on tues 3rd, died on 4th its only 6th today and yet hes in the family crypt now forever. It seems so unreal like a bad dream.

Thank You all for the messages and condolences, Once the Wills been read ( next Weds) I think I might take my boys to disneyland or similar, it might help, I dont want to go to st tropez itll be full of memories of last year, I think I need to get used to it first then confront the memories.

For now I can only take it one day at a time. I guess itll sink in eventually. I know he wouldnt want me to sit around moping, or to be unhappy, he would want me to smile, he used to love my smile, and I his.

Its the fact it was all so fast I can't get my head around, how one minute someones here and the next theyre gone. It given me a different outlook, Im going to make the best of my boys, and love them to death. So when I eventually go theyll have a mountain of happy memories.

Ive got that too but I can't face them just yet.

Again Thank You

Dear Marianne, I am so so sorry to hear this news, I have just sent you an email but wish to say again that if you need anybody to talk to at any time then I will always be here for you, as I'm sure will the people on this site.

I am amazed and inspired by your strength and I believe that you are a strong woman and will be there for your boys. Warmest hugs and sympathies, thinking of you. Katie

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

Dear Marianne, I am so so sorry to hear this news, I have just sent you an email but wish to say again that if you need anybody to talk to at any time then I will always be here for you, as I'm sure will the people on this site.

I am amazed and inspired by your strength and I believe that you are a strong woman and will be there for your boys. Warmest hugs and sympathies, thinking of you. Katie

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Hi Katie Thank You for this message and the email, Im so pleased to hear from you. I lost Andrew on 4th weds, he was buried in family crypt on friday 6th August. Ill email you. Thanks Marianne

Im not strong its all an act a front, to mask the real me whose a wreck.

Hi PP,

Are the boys back with you now, or are they still with your older son? How are they handling things? Are they okay?

I can't imagine what you're going through, I know I'd be a wreck, emotionally and physically. Being with your boys should bring you strength right now, being with family helps. The motherly instinct to push aside our feelings, care for our children, can get us through a lot of hardships.

I'm still amazed at your strength. I know I wouldn't be in the mood to come online, answer other people's questions. I would be too absorbed in my grief to do that. You are a very strong person. That strength will see you through.

She's very strong - even joking to keep everyone else's spirits up. Everyone is different and I'm sure you remember what it was like for me. I think the suggestion to go to Disneyland is a good one - the kids will have a great time, it will get their minds off their grief.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...nd-496136.html

Hi Alty, and Judy, by coming here it has been taking my mind off things mostly, my Boys are at the 13 yr olds grandparents until tomorrow, they were here though until yesterday.

Ive wanted to be alone mostly, to be honest I don't think its sunk in, my husbands body was here overnight on Thursday, and myself and the boys stayed with it all night, the funeral was Friday, I seem to be having trouble getting my head around the fact he was here on 3rd, died on 4th, and by the 6th he was in the crypt forever, it just seems it was all too fast. I don't understand how its possible.

Im dreadfully unhappy, and I don't know what Im supposed to do, So I think Im not accepting it or something, I don't know.

The boys will be back here tomorrow, but the beginning of September Adrian the 13 yr old goes back to school, he's a boarder, and the 4 yr old starts infants school, this house is way to big, I just don't know what's what. I want him back, I feel lost alone, and that's it is so unfair. Why?

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

She's very strong - even joking to keep everyone else's spirits up. Everyone is different and I'm sure you remember what it was like for me. I think the suggestion to go to Disneyland is a good one - the kids will have a great time, it will get their minds off their grief.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...nd-496136.html

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Wish I had her strength. I fall apart when one of the kids come home for a day or two and leave. You all know how emotional I can get. When my husband went to different places on his job.. I felt so sad without him and geeze he was only gone for a week , sometimes less. I'm not a strong person.when it comes to losing someone through death.if I were in pp place I would be in the hospital. Pp you keep it up. :)

Im not strong though I don't know what's what or if this is real a dream or what, I want this to be over and to wake up. I don't understaned how it happened so fast, he was here a week ago, now he's gone forever.

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

Im not strong though I dont know whats what or if this is real a dream or what, I want this to be over and to wake up. I dont understaned how it happened so fast, he was here a week ago, now hes gone forever.

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He's in a better place. Hold on to that! Hold on to the fact he didn't suffer and you all had a final night together. Some people don't get that chance. :)

The thing is, without realising it you are being so strong, you say that inside you feel like you're a wreck, well it is totally normal to feel like you're falling apart right now, something very painful has happened and ANY reaction is a normal reaction. No matter how crazy or broken.

Yes it has happened so fast, I imagine it must feel like a big shock and frightening and that it doesn't seem to fit with reality. I don't want to say too much as I've never been in your situation so can only imagine how you feel, but we all are thinking about you and praying for you. It might take a while to come to terms with this and fully "accept" it like you say, but you need to go at your own pace and not worry about whether you're doing things right - whatever feels natural for you, do it. If you feel like screaming or crying, do it.. If you want to write pages and pages about your husband and how much you love him, do it. Much love x

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

He's in a better place. Hold on to that! Hold on to the fact he didn't suffer and you all had a final night together. Some people don't get that chance. :)

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I agree but then some people live beyond 39, he didn't drink smoke take drugs, was a fitness fanatic, did hundreds of sit ups every day, jogged ran, did weights, was vegetarian, yet he died. What was the point ?

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

I agree but then some people live beyond 39, he didnt drink smoke take drugs, was a fitness fanatic, did hundreds of sit ups every day, jogged ran, did weights, was vegetarian, yet he died. what was the point ?

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No one can answer that. Everyone grieves in different ways. It will hit you. Don't think about the hospital or the ambulance. Think about your last hours with him.

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

I agree but then some people live beyond 39, he didnt drink smoke take drugs, was a fitness fanatic, did hundreds of sit ups every day, jogged ran, did weights, was vegetarian, yet he died. what was the point ?

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PP, death doesn't always have a point.

My parents exercised, didn't drink, smoke, ate healthy, took their vitamins every day, did everything they could to be healthy. They both died of cancer in 2001, 6 1/2 months apart.

My mother-in-law smoked 2 packs a day, didn't eat healthy, never exercised, and she was 10 years older than my parents and outlived them both.

I know you're in a bad place right now, but you will get through it. Every day will be a bit easier.

Death isn't easy. You had a wonderful life together, and you may not see it, but to us you seem incredibly strong. I know I wouldn't want to talk to anyone, I would be holed up in a corner sucking my thumb and crying my eyes out. I definitely wouldn't be concerned about AMHD or answering questions. I don't know how you're doing it, but you are, and that strength will see you through.

If I don't come online I don't know what Ill do I don't watch TV ever, I don't feel like listening to music, this is why Ive been coming online, Im trying to keep myself occupied, busy or something.
I don't feel up to driving or want to, we had isolated ourselves for over 7 years just me him our boys we were more than happy with that, in our love nest...

We socialised yes but we mostly enjoyed our own company, we had settled down we were contented.

Like I just said above, go at your own pace and do what you feel is right at the time for you. Don't rush yourself. It might take a while to "accept" what's happened.

I suppose lots of people in happy relationships when they're really in love can often cut off the rest of the world to a certain extent, I think that's normal and also might mean it's more shocking when something like this does happen, but yes keeping busy and occupied is the key. You helped me so much 2 months ago with your advice of keeping busy as much as possible, so I'll say the same to you.

Are you seeing much of fam and friends? X

I do feel like running away, I have felt that a lot, Im not brave enough, and what about the children, I basically don't know what to do with myself, I don't want to get into wallowing or doing nothing, Im always a busy person as a rule, Im often multi tasking, I have never been able to just sit down and that's it apart from when with Andrew, I don't want to procrastinate I doubt I could actually, my pholosophy is keep myself and my mind active and occupied. If I don't I might stop.

Im also an adult hyperactive.

I don't have anything to do with my family, haven't done for a long time, My friends are mostly males, so I think to play safe keep them at arms length, although they've been to visit me, my girlfriends are busy Mums and such so I don't like to interfere in their lives and yes they've been to visit me, and phoned, but I don't really want to be with other people. Im quite OK on my own. Or with my own company. Andrews family are all dead apart from myself and the boys, and in law grandparents.

I may be sociable on here but in truth Im a loner. Im happy to be that way.

Well as long as you're okay and feel content with your own company right now, that the most important thing. And you have all of us to talk to of course!

In time you might feel like talking to your girlfriends more about things when it all isn't so raw. So yes, like I said you have us here to talk about things with. Xx

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

Well as long as you're okay and feel content with your own company right now, that the most important thing. And you have all of us to talk to of course!

In time you might feel like talking to your girlfriends more about things when it all isn't so raw. So yes, like I said you have us here to talk about things with. xx

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You sure do and we will be here:)

This website looks like it has some good advice. I'm sure you've been reading through a lot of websites but it might help a bit x

Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement

Thanks for the links Katie, Ive just sent you another email. I think Ill sign off now, getting paranoid about maybe Im weird. All in my mind no doubt. Night night.

We haven't really talked before but I've read so many of your posts. You are very wise and strong. I lost both of my parents two years ago. I know this can't compare to losing a mate, but I just wanted to give you a little background of who I am.

I've also read your story of your first marriage and then how wonderful your husband Andre was. I could tell you had a great relationship. It broke my heart to read about his death, and now it breaks my heart to read this thread … but I also know that writing about your grief is a good way of dealing with your sorrow.

Don't feel paranoid about how you are feeling. It is so understandable. It will take time to accept this. It's only been a few days. I also find it remarkable that you are on here giving advice, and I do understand the therapeutic nature of it. For now be patient with yourself and allow yourself this time to grieve. You are in my thoughts every day.

I don't understand the laws in the UK - maybe someone can explain why an unembalmed body is returned to the home following an autopsy, at least three days following death. That is most certainly not allowed in the US.

Sitting shiva I somewhat understand but this business about the body - I was told that women from the Temple who have some special designation (or was it men?) would sit with his body until the burial, for a stipend. I was not allowed - supposedly by Jewish law - to do so.

What sect (for lack of a better explanation) is involved here?

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I don't understand the laws in the UK - maybe someone can explain why an unembalmed body is returned to the home following an autopsy, at least three days following death. That is most certainly not allowed in the US.

Sitting shiva I somewhat understand but this business about the body - I was told that women from the Temple who have some special designation (or was it men?) would sit with his body until the burial, for a stipend. I was not allowed - supposedly by Jewish law - to do so.

What sect (for lack of a better explanation) is involved here?

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It think she said someone from the funeral home was going to stay till midnight and then she and the boys would sit with him the rest of the night. It's a sad time for them.

I agree - this is terrible and sad and a very bad time for me to be asking questions but I just don't understand. Widow to widow, this is just outside my experience.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I agree - this is terrible and sad and a very bad time for me to be asking questions but I just don't understand. Widow to widow, this is just outside my experience.

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It's horrible. I wish there was something we all could do to show her how we feel.

Well, I did contact her cousin, Askthekitty (askthecat?) and said that we would like to do something but apparently the cousin is out of Town. We'll wait for her to come back and let us know the name of the charity. Anyone who wants to send "something" then can do that.

Or the death notice would contain the info. Maybe I'll contact some of my sources and ask.

I know several people are interested in doing... something.

I would love to be able to do something.