Ask Me Help Desk - The loss of my baby, how do I get past this?

The loss of my baby, how do I get past this?

As some of you know, I lost my baby around the end of November last year, when I was about three months pregnant. I loved my baby dearly, Leon, as it’s father named it. For a while, after about a month of pure mourning, I was doing okay. But lately, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the baby that was supposed to be mine. I can’t stop blaming myself and my fiancé and it tears me apart. The other night I had a dream in which the baby came to me. I held him and felt everything. He looked just like his father, but with my eyes. I can’t stop thinking about my baby: what could’ve been and what should’ve been. It’s taking over my life and I don’t know what to do.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Losing a baby is so very hard, even for the strongest of people. It is possible you could experience post partum depression in addition to normal mourning, as if there is anything not normal about mourning~ there isn't. You should call your doctor's office and make an appointment to talk about how you are feeling. There is no set time frame for working your way through the loss of a child. But your grief could be compounded by post partum depression, and your doctor can either rule that out, or treat it so that you can regain control and go on with the business of living. Your doctor may suggest a support group, or other kinds of help, like medication and/or a therapist to help guide you through this.

You never get over the loss. BUT, you have to tell yourself, my child would want me to move on. I had a boy that (had I carried to term) would have die at birth. I had to make the excruciating decision to terminate my pregnancy at 15 1/2 weeks. I named him Adam Patrick. It was the hardest thing I had to do, and part of me felt I did the wrong thing, cause I wanted a child so bad. Afterwards(when I went through the greivig process) I knew that if I wanted to try for a successful pregnancy, I could'nt let the depression stop me. And you know what? I got pregnant within 6 months and had a healthy baby girl. Plant a tree in honor of your baby. I planted a flowering bush against my house(ironicly, it's never bloomed). When you dig the hole, place something that represents your loss at the bottom first. It will help you heal. I'll never forget Adam. And sometimes I think of him and cry. But seeing my daughter reminds me that he made a sacrifice so she would come into my life. He gave me a precious gift. Someday, I'll be able to thank him.

My family can't know... not my parents at least. Everything suggested is great advice. But they would attract attention to the situation.

Thank you so much for your efforts though

The father refuses to talk to me about this. How can get him to?

You can't. You can't make someone talk to you about it. If you need to talk to someone and you can't tell your parents, and your boyfriend won't talk to you about it, it might help to write it in a journal. Or you can post your thoughts here.

I don't write journals... Last time I did my parents found it and literallly punished me for being depressed

Not allowed to be sad huh? Well, do you feel safe telling us here how bad you feel? I think we can take it here without feeling you should be punished. Are you doing anything to try to help yourself, other than trying to get your boyfriend to talk to you about how miserable you feel?

I can't tell everyone on here what happened. They'll hate me

Why do you think everyone would hate you?

Because... I did something evil

Quote:

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

because... I did something evil

And you don't think any of us have? I read back over your posts and found this someone had said to you in a different situation, but it holds true now. It's time you read it again -- There's strength in you, so find it, use it. You're not nearly as weak as you think. I've seen the strength in you, now you just have to see it. You have the ability to change your whole life. Don't let your past define you. Don't let your circumstances determine who you're going to be. You and only you can make that choice. Either you let your circumstances control you or you control them. You have the backbone, so use it. I have faith that you can do this. I have faith in you. Now all we need is for you to have faith in yourself.

Emo, the time has come for you to share your secret with a counselor. That person is not supposed to break your confidentiality without your permission, even though you are still a minor. To feel more confident, make sure of that yourself before you confide something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

And you don't think any of us have? I read back over your posts and found this someone had said to you in a different situation, but it holds true now. It's time you read it again -- There's strength in you, so find it, use it. You're not nearly as weak as you think. I've seen the strength in you, now you just have to see it. You have the ability to change your whole life. Don't let your past define you. Don't let your circumstances determine who you're going to be. You and only you can make that choice. Either you let your circumstances control you or you control them. You have the backbone, so use it. I have faith that you can do this. I have faith in you. Now all we need is for you to have faith in yourself.

Emo, the time has come for you to share your secret with a counselor. That person is not supposed to break your confidentiality without your permission, even though you are still a minor. To feel more confident, make sure of that yourself before you confide something.

I can't... And I doubt anyone has done something this evil

Evil is a value judgement. I am not here to judge you. This is the "Bereavement" section of ask me help desk.

Anyone responding to your post should be offering you help, not judging whether you have done something evil.

I was breaking down. Everyone was at me... I was going insane... My fiancé told me I had to get rid of it by taking pills or he'd kill himself... he called and said he'd do it that second if I didn't

Quote:

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I can't... And I doubt anyone has done something this evil

One would like to think that, but people have been committing evil acts for thousands and thousands of years. You need to forgive yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

One would like to think that, but people have been committing evil acts for thousands and thousands of years. You need to forgive yourself.

I meant on here

Quote:

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

i meant on here

I don't know what that means.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I don't know what that means.

I meant no one on here (AMHD) has done something this evil

Quote:

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

i meant no one on here (AMHD) has done something this evil

No, of course not. And as long as you believe that, there is nothing we can do to help you.

You poor thing! Listen, you didn't do anything evil. Get that out of your head right now. Desperate people do desperate things. Wondergirl is right, what ever it is, you need to forgive yourself. How old are you?

You can't expect to get emotional support from your boyfriend, especially since he was/is in his own emotional turmoil, otherwise he never would have threatened suicide.

You have your whole future ahead of you. Do you go to school?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

No, of course not. And as long as you believe that, there is nothing we can do to help you.

What do you mean

Quote:

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

what do you mean

You said "I can't," and you've indicated you won't seek help with someone you trust. So where does that put us who are trying to advise you and help you get the help you need? Nowhere. There is nothing more we can do.

(If there is something we can do, please clue us in.)

I just want to get past this hurting

Quote:

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I just want to get past this hurting

We've told you how, but you've said no. Now what?

Quote:

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I just want to get past this hurting

If you can't discuss your problems here, maybe you can find help at one of these other sites that have support groups for women having a difficult time with various issues. I hope you find the support you need to go forward with your life, stronger from your experiences. Don't give up. Keep an open mind and continue to look for the help you need.

Not all of these links will be relevant to your situation, but you might find the help you are looking for at one or more sites listed here:

Miscarriage Support & Information Resources - Fertility Plus

Support Groups - Miscarriage

Structured Recovery Support Groups

I'm looking for someone to talk to

PASS Support Site - Chat Information Page

A non-profit site devoted to the

Are you upset because you had an abortion? Is that the problem, the "evil" you are talking about?

I agree with Wondergirl - no one can help you if no one understands the problem. We can all give advice but none of it will be specific enough to assist you.

It's been my experience that you can't get over/past something you are not willing to talk about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Are you upset because you had an abortion? Is that the problem, the "evil" you are talking about?

I agree with Wondergirl - no one can help you if no one understands the problem. We can all give advice but none of it will be specific enough to assist you.

It's been my experience that you can't get over/past something you are not willing to talk about.

The father threatened to kill himself if I didn't take a bunch of pills, close myself in a door, hit my stomach, etc. to get rid of our baby. He said he was going to that second if I didn't do it... So I did. That's the evil deed...

Then you have to speak to a mental health professional - I thought you were talking about having a miscarriage.

You obviously feel guilty, cannot cope with the guilt and don't want to discuss this with anyone.

Seek professional help.

Okay,
Thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

Okay,
thanks

And come back and let us know how you are doing.

Your boyfriend was extremely childish and extremely selfish to act like he did. You obviously cared more about him than you did the baby so you acted accordingly. You are way too young to think about having babies now. You need to "grow up" first before you start having any babies. 17 is not old enough to be really responsible.

I hope that you dumped this "childish boy" and found someone else. Trying to get him to own up to the situation is going to be futile. He didn't want it regardless and you would have had to chase him down for years for any kind of child support from him. Very immmature person.

Don't feel guilty for what you did as this baby was not ready to come into the world just now. If you had a dream of this baby, then that tells me that your baby will come back and be yours at the right time sometime in the future for you - when you are ready to be a mother and really want this baby and the father wants this baby as well. Dreams can be a blessing when it comes to loved ones who have moved on. They can and will come back to comfort us, the living.

If you hid this from your parents you obviously were too scared to confront them with the truth of your situation. They would have found out sooner or later had this incident not happened.

You need to learn that you need to be responsible for your actions in this lifetime. You made a terrible mistake in what you did, but if the baby really wanted to be born, he would not have come out that early. It was his decision to come early due to the circumstances involved.

You will cherish your future child once you really do have another pregnancy and give birth.

I won't ever leave him...

Quote:

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I won't ever leave him....

There are 2 words that bother me in this sentence - 'won't' and 'ever'.

Trust me, it's improbable that you can predict the future so I can't imagine that you can actually KNOW that you'll never leave him.

What it is, is that you FEEL you won't leave him at this point in time. Fair enough - but do you think that threatening to kill himself unless you aborted the child was a reasonable way to act? And now he won't talk to you or support you in any way - do you think that is reasonable as well?

Is this the sort of behavior you would expect from a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with? - a reasonable question for me to ask, don't you think?

Anyway, that's probably beside the point, as I think that your fragile emotional and mental state is of more importance at the moment - I strongly suggest that you speak to a counselor, or this 'evil deed' will wear away at your mind and at your soul.

What you will need to do is forgive yourself. You aren't the first woman that has done this, and you won't be the last. My grandmother brought on several miscarriages by sitting in a boiling bath and drinking hot gin. (Or using the knitting needle method.) However they were different times, and women today usually have more choices.

See this event as the impetus to start making some healthy choices - not self destructive ones. Get some counselling as a priority and examine why you responded in this way to this crisis; investigate what you want from the life you're going to live and who you want to be in your life to live it with.

I genuinely wish you every peace and happiness - don't hide yourself away feeling guilty, please make the effort to go out and seek help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I won't ever leave him....

I am also concerned by this - if I have learned one thing in my life it's to never say never.

People change; circumstances change; life has a way of turning things around.

I think you need to find yourself before you can make permanent lifetime decisions. He apparently has problems of his own and cares little for you - aren't you concerned about another pregnancy?

When I make a solemn promise, I keep it, especially when made to promise on my life. The only way I can leave him is if he becomes very abusive or when we do have children in the future, his plans are within the next few years, he is abusive toward them. I know how many other girls my age say things such as this, and I wish there were ways to show proof of my determination when there is such a great promise made, but unfortunately there is not much I can do to show this. I am the kind of person who would wither away in pain rather than break a promise, even a trivial one. Unless it involves abuse.

If I become pregnant again, he will step up and be a good father. We've discussed this. He won't talk about what happened because he feels guilty. He cares greatly for me. I know this for a fact.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemini54

There are 2 words that bother me in this sentence - 'won't' and 'ever'.

Trust me, it's improbable that you can predict the future so I can't imagine that you can actually KNOW that you'll never leave him.

What it is, is that you FEEL you won't leave him at this point in time. Fair enough - but do you think that threatening to kill himself unless you aborted the child was a reasonable way to act? And now he won't talk to you or support you in any way - do you think that is reasonable as well?

Is this the sort of behavior you would expect from a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with? - a reasonable question for me to ask, don't you think?

Anyway, that's probably beside the point, as I think that your fragile emotional and mental state is of more importance at the moment - I strongly suggest that you speak to a counselor, or this 'evil deed' will wear away at your mind and at your soul.

What you will need to do is forgive yourself. You aren't the first woman that has done this, and you won't be the last. My grandmother brought on several miscarriages by sitting in a boiling bath and drinking hot gin. (Or using the knitting needle method.) However they were different times, and women today usually have more choices.

See this event as the impetus to start making some healthy choices - not self destructive ones. Get some counselling as a priority and examine why you responded in this way to this crisis; investigate what you want from the life you're going to live and who you want to be in your life to live it with.

I genuinely wish you every peace and happiness - don't hide yourself away feeling guilty, please make the effort to go out and seek help.

How he acted was far from how I would expect my life partner to act. But I do, or at least try to tell myself, that I understand because he IS just a 16 year old boy.

I just realized... I need to post some things on a different post...

I have you to thank for my realization.

Quote:

If I become pregnant again, he will step up and be a good father. We've discussed this. He won't talk about what happened because he feels guilty. He cares greatly for me. I know this for a fact.

This concept is enabling your boyfriend to continue to act like a spoiled child. You accept it from him because you said that you'd be with him forever. In my book, that's being an enabler.

Quote:

When I make a solemn promise, I keep it, especially when made to promise on my life. The only way I can leave him is if he becomes very abusive or when we do have children in the future, his plans are within the next few years, he is abusive toward them.

This, also, is enabling him to stay where he is. He doesn't have to be any better than he is, because you are accepting him as he is. What he does/is doing/has done to you is unacceptable and until you decide that you're worth more than that, it will continue to happen.

Your past is horrible. It is dark and would have beaten down many a young girl. But your past doesn't define you. It doesn't dictate your future. You decide your future. Every step, every moment, every decision plays out into what will be your future.

If you accept this behavior, you accept it for your future.

And that, my dear, is the most tragic thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HistorianChick

This concept is enabling your boyfriend to continue to act like a spoiled child. You accept it from him because you said that you'd be with him forever. In my book, that's being an enabler.

This, also, is enabling him to stay where he is. He doesn't have to be any better than he is, because you are accepting him as he is. What he does/is doing/has done to you is unacceptable and until you decide that you're worth more than that, it will continue to happen.

Your past is horrible. It is dark and would have beaten down many a young girl. But your past doesn't define you. It doesn't dictate your future. You decide your future. Every step, every moment, every decision plays out into what will be your future.

If you accept this behavior, you accept it for your future.

And that, my dear, is the most tragic thing.

Chicky, I know you care which is why I am asking you directly. Other than the reaction to the pregnancy, what else is wrong. I honestly see nothing wrong in what he does. I'm not being argumentive, I honestly want to know