YOu too are strong Lacey, and your words are always so heartfelt. Ruby too. I guess she is right. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, so to speak. Yes, I am strong, no I am not always positive, but thank you for thinking that. I am often pulling myself out of my own pity party, but thanks to all of you, I see more light than darkness. What hasn't killed me has made me stronger right? I just wish I could say the same for my sister, such a lost, lost soul... so sad.

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE, MY DAD IS OK!! He says all went well and no worries!! THANK GOD FOR THAT AND FOR ALL OF YOU!! YOur prayers and thoughts went to good use and I am thankful for you!! Today is a good day!!

Hullo Ladies!

Shattered, I am very, very relieved to hear this news. I am very happy for you and your Dad. Use this as a reminder to never take the people you love in your life for granted. If you can find some time to spend with him, take that time. He isn't going to be around forever. Do some positive and fun things with him. Talk to him about anything and everything. Make sure nothing is left unsaid. Believe me, you will find great comfort in that someday.

Again Congrats!

I am so glad to hear the news! GOod advice Ruby.

Ruby I will take your advice to heart. I know that what you say is so true. He is far away from me right now, in Buffalo, Wyoming actually. I am going to try and get out there next month. Yes, one thing about my dad and I is we never leave things unsaid. Every time I talk to him he tells me how much he loves me and I the same. He is very good at communicating his feelings ,THANK GOD. I am so thankful he is o.k. He made a joke and said his only diagnosis was a bad attitude!! HA HA. I will revel in the moment and enjoy those I love. Life is precious and we aren't guaranteed anything. So yes, I will heed the message and learn from this. THank you Lacey for caring about a complete stranger. YOu two have truly been so helpful and I know your prayers all helped. Peace to all!!

OK tomorrow is 90 days since I saw Myke. I really miss that boy. It still really hurts and I still really miss him. WHy does love hurt??

Honey, love doesn't hurt. What is hurting you is the fact that he is gone and you never got in touch with your true feelings about him until he was gone. The only thing I can say to you is something that I think I said once before. It just takes time to get through the loss of someone you love and care about. I am not surprised that you are still hurting. You will never completely get over it. He will always hold a special place in your heart and there will always be a hole in your life. But, time and the daily living of our lives, does allow us to not feel the loss as sharply and deeply as we once did.

Yeah, saying how I felt about him to everyone else now, is kind of pointless. Yet it has been absolutely critical to my own processof dealing with this pain. I recognize that my life was going a little too smoothly, no real bumps at all. I guess in some way maybe I deserved this kind of pain. Otherwise, how else do I deserve all the joy? I am trying to say, that living life without any conflict or problems, tends to hinder my spiritual growth. I think. I feel more connected to God, but also so much more connected to my feelings. That is where the pain comes in. The hole is there, I just didn't think it would be this deep. I didn't ever want to be disloyal to my husband, but all these feelings have been. It also contributes to the pain. I am getting better. I am living life now with my family as I was before. I am just continue to bring truth and awareness to my experience and this is one of the few places I can do that. It just feels like love and pain coincide. I dream of him often, I don't really know what that means. I want to think its him but I think it is just my mind playing things out, a kind of wishful thinking I suppose.

I still dream about people I have loved and lost all the time. He is on your mind a lot when you are awake, so it is normal for you dream about him when you sleep. I am glad to hear that your life is getting back to where it once was.

Sometimes, when we haven't experienced a close loss, when someone we know and admired dies, we are in a state of shock and it just takes a while to get back to normal. That happened to me years ago with a boss of mine. He was such a kind and good hearted man. He died suddenly from an aneurism and it took me a while to get over that gap he left in my life. I wasn't emotionally involved with him, but I worked closely with him and had great admiration and respect for the man. To me, he was the heart and soul of the company. After he died, I found there wasn't any joy in my job anymore because I had lost my mentor. No one else could replace him and I was very unhappy. I was also very unhappy with the way others reacted to his death. Yes, people were shocked, but almost immediately it appeared to me that he was forgotten by everyone. Business as usual. For as long as I live, I will never forget him. I doubt very much that he knew how much he touched my life. I didn't even know it until he was gone. But, I think that is probably the best legacy someone can leave. As long as I am alive, (along with his family I am sure), he will be remembered and always hold a special place in my heart.

I really understand that perspective and that is sort of how it is for me here. Being at work and everyday knowing people have moved on like its nothing. Maybe tomorrow being exactly 3 months since I have seen him and the 21st is the day he died, also plays a part in this. I don't know why this kind of anniversary date (so to speak) means so much. You are right, he did leave a legacy for you and with him dying you recognized how much he meant to you. I feel the same way and that is a beautiful way of looking at it. I don't always feel sad and I am not always crying, but yes the pain lingers and the void remains. That is how it goes... and like you said he will always have a special place in my heart. I just wish he knew that. I wish.

Angry and confused now all over again. Myke now Sarai, and Shayla... it just seems the best ones seem to get taken first. The feelings are taking over me and I am so lost in a fog.. I was doing so well. I felt stronger and now I feel like crawling into a hole and staying there. Wasn't expecting this, wasn't expecting it when Myke died, the unexpected pain is harder than when I know its coming. I feel like I am a failure at life and everything is just so pointless. If I didn't have kids... well I won't say what I really think but. I am only here now for them. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to be here and be stuck with all the pain of losing someone. I don't want to bring people down and I don't want to push people away but where is this pain to go? Is it normal to go around smiling when you really hate everything going on inside of you? I hate feeling so damn weak and pathetic I used to be so strong. I can't stop the tears, I can't stop the pain. I can't change the past I can't focus on the future. I think this is my breaking point because I don't know how to even work today. I don't know how to act with my husband. I feel like I am so empty and with nothing to give. NOthing to offer, just despair. Who needs it? My husband feels ignored and he should. I can't care enough about his feelings right now to deal with it. I can't think about having sex or being happy or even making plans. IT all seems so wrong. I am a burden with my weak mind and tattered soul. I want to run away and be gone in the mountains far far away and just be ALONE and not face this life right now. I ask God for strength, from within and it doesn't come... I am not equipped to lose people over and over.. I can't go through life waiting for the next one. I can't...

Shattered honey, I just popped in for a moment because I have some work I need to get done so I can't stay long. I am very concerned about you. I can understand everyone being upset over this tragedy, but what you are stating & describing here is a bit more intense than I would expect. You sound the way I did when I lost my husband. I felt like I fell into a dark hole, couldn't find my way out, and I wanted everyone to leave me alone. I felt empty and didn't care about anyone's feelings except my own. But, again, that was my husband. Including my husband, I lost 5 family members in a little over a one year period. I thought I would lose my mind. It took me a while, but the human condition is such, that we truly do have the capacity to shoulder these burdens and carry on with our lives. For you to be reacting in this manner, sounds to me like you are in a full blown depression and I am left wondering why. I don't think you should be ignoring this or pushing these feelings down any more. I am not sure if a therapist is the answer as I did before. You need to make an appointment with your doctor. Something is going on with you that is out of the norm. I think you might be suffering from a hormonal imbalance. Please do not continue to live like this anymore. You need to find your old self again. It isn't fair to you or your family, for you to be living life in this way.

Hey I guess I should be happy it was one BIG JOKE, ha ha the laugh is on me...
OH well...
LIFE GOES ON.
I will survive and I am happy that no one is dead, even if it was mean and cruel what they/she whoever did.
NOBODY will bring me down ever!

I will be strong RUby I promise I will be OK. THANKS For all your advice. I really do listen to you...