Ask Me Help Desk - My mom died.who's next?

I know you've heard this but I can also relate and I went through exactly what you're going through. I lost my mom when I was 11. My family didn't want my brother (8) and I in the room when she passed away but we wandered through the halls from the waiting room to find the room she was in anyway and I was holding her hand when she died. She had a tumor that was causing internal bleeding. For the longest time- especially since it was about the time I got my first period- every time I would have any kind of pain I was scared that I had a tumor. The fear goes lessens with time and we're here to talk if you need us. If your husband only smokes outside that's a start but I think if you sit down and talk to him about the fact that you don't want to lose him too that maybe he'll come around and try to quit. One of my husband's friends recently quit smoking and he's really happy he made that decision.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hermione

on friday, september 26th, my mom lost her battle with lung cancer. I was with her holding her hand when she died and i thought i was having a heart attack. All i could hear was the fast beating of my heart in my ears. I never imagined that i would be the one to watch her die. My wonderful husband was with me and comforting me all throughout. Now i am paranoid that he will be taken from me too. Sometimes i wonder if i was chosen to watch her die so i could see how i will go? This is really messing with my brain. I am so afraid that my husband is sick too and i cannot help but be absolutley (sp?) terrified of getting cancer. She was a smoker for years and at only 47 was diagnosed. I know that she made her own choices and maybe tht contributed to her being sick, but the "what if's" are killing me. I cannot wrap my head around this. It almost seems like my life is now dedicated to me or my relatives getting or being sick (thankfully none are sick at the moment) and dying. Not knowing what is in store is just as bad and painful as losing my beloved mom. Is this normal? Can anyone please, please, please help me??

I am a hospice nurse and I am with people when they die, not to mention the hundreds and hundreds I was with when I worked in a hospital. Being with someone in the process of dying can be a very overwhelming experience.
I had a wonderful opportunity in 2004. I got a phone call from the nursing home that my aunts were in and was told that my aunt mary was not doing well. I got in my car and drove from de t wva. As soon as I got there I told my other aunt to come over and hold aunt marys hand. I told aunt mary I am here now and as I kissed her she took her last breath.
It can be humbling, overwhelming. It is what you have chosen it to be with your mom. Relive the experience and think about the goodness of the event. She wasn't alone and I think you were quite lucky to be there. I wished I could have held my mothers hand when she left me suddenly on nov 16

I know you love your mom and you miss her. She loved you with all her heart too.

But look at it this way. Now you know you have a chance to get it therefore you will look for it and probably catch it much earlier and live.

Now because you know what to look for and she didn't you will probably live to 5,002 and be the record holder for oldest person that just is like a energizer bunny or roaches in houston or cher... No matter what happens they just don't die

(by in no means do I think you wear fuzzy pink bunny ears, look like a roaches or sing in vegas)

Yes hermione you 'r right . I went through that when my father died of a lung cancer .It hurt a lot even after 5 five years now, the pain is still intolerent. My father used to be very active he was fond of sport , computer , gardening,drawing and fixing every thing that needed to be repaired.he also never got seriously ill. Then for a whole year every thing changed . Doctors, Irms? Scannershospitals in and out and never once I thought about death. Until just a week before the end, my husband who is a doctor too, announced that they doubt he has lung cancer.even the last night I was alone with him in the hospital and when he started to respire regularly and told me he was dying, I smiled kissed him and told him he is tired and let us get some rest. It was the last time I heard him . I must have dosed for 10 minutes( it was 5.30a.m and I was exhausted to stay up all night) when I opened my eyes it was all over.
May be I envy you . y've seen him dying you were there with him but my father.. he was alone I was sleeping and he found none near him in the last minutes. I felt so guilty he does't deserve that he was always there when any one needed him. For the first months I felt so bad that I was crying whenever I heard his name or saw his picture. But now with time we start to accept .
I always have the feeling that it's unfair .he was 60 he just retired he had a lot of projects to do with his grand children... but what can we do?
What really helped me is the fact that even after 5 years people still remember him and my children who were only 3and 5 when he died are mentioning him regularly especially in occasion.
As for the feeling of whose next! It is still with me even if it 's not associated with the same fear as at the beginning but it is somewhere with me. You know I think it's because it's the first time death goes so near so close and terror is still there .
Just live your life and enjoy it and do things that can make others remember you even when you're not here. Good luck and thank you for giving me the opportunity to outlet. I really feel better .

I can't answer that question for you! I'm scared to really get close to people except the people I'm already close to cause I'm scared that they are going to go as well. Just hang in there.:)

I know you had quite a lot of people talk to you about this but your story touched me soooo much. Let me tell you ONLY A LITTLE about me. I'm 21 and my mom died June 7th 2010. My birthday is July 4th and hers is July 12th. Well it tore me up. She had committed suiced. I was the only one she talked to the day before she done it and the morning she did it. About 4 or 5 months after she died I carried on about "Why should I love you or trust you or be around you, your just going to die to." I did that for about 2 months. It drove everyone crazy. My dad, my boyfriend, my friends, everyone. Then I realized something... YES everyone is going to die. It's the fact of life! Not everyone or Anything lasts forever. See everyone is right she's fine now. She's not suffering in pain anymore. She's OK. She doesn't have caner anymore. Life is going to be the way it is. You can never see in the future. I learned if you take it one day at a time it gets easier then you'll gradually go up to one week then one month then years. I'm up to one day some times a week but most of the time one day. I'm still grieving badly. I can't imagine what you went through, I didn't see my mom die in front of me and I wasn't the one that found her my brother did. I'm kind of thankful for that cause it would have tore me up REALLY bad! I just can't imagine how you feel. Ater my mom died I had images of her hanging in a tree. I can only imagine what you went through. Did you seek counseling? I hope you did! If you didn't you should! Did you go to her funeral? I didn't but I did get some of her ashes and put some in the ocean and told her to swim with the dolphins. I'm sorry for your loss. If you need someone to talk to I'm really sorry. You can grieve however long you need to. There is no time limit. Some people get over it fast some people get over it in months or even years. It just takes time. Everyone tells me that it will get better in time but I find that kind of hard to understand but I'm waiting to see. So just hang in there. You have really good people on here. They really helped me out when I lost my mom as well. So just know I'm here for you to.