gabrianca
Nov 30, 2012, 11:23 PM
Earlier this year, I met an amazing man with whom I connected with instantly. One thing that bothered the both of us is that there is an age difference of 11 years. I am 25 years old and he is 36. He is a musician, a man with traditional values, very affectionate, emotional, and the perfect gentleman. We communicated a lot through Facebook talking for several hours a day, almost everyday during the wee hours of the night (until 6am!). We saw each other during the whole summer and the chemistry was great. We always went on long walks by the water during the night and talk for hours and hours until the sun rise, hiding under a tree during the rain and enjoying each others company even in silence. We would talk as if we were in a relationship, but when we would see each other we weren't intimate as how a couple would be (no cuddling, no kissing, no holding hands). It felt weird for me because he was a lot older and I didn't know how he would react or if he liked me the way I liked him. Regardless, we kept seeing each other for a while, and we were both happy with each others company. Eventually, I grew feelings for him.
A downfall is that he has an anxiety disorder. He is seeing a therapist to help him out. He would be anxious almost all the time, but never tells me why (he kept saying "I don't know"). At most times, he is pessimistic about himself. A little insecure (i.e. why are you interested in an old guy like me?). One day, we eventually wanted to have sex. I was hesitant because I knew I wanted to be in a relationship with him, and I wanted to make sure that he wants the same before anything happens between us. I told him that I fell for him... and I wanted to know where this "friendship" would lead us if we were to sleep together. He told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship. He told me likes me and that he wouldn't be talking to me or seeing me if he didn't. He said that his heart is not open for a new relationship. I kept asking him why, but he wouldn't answer me directly. He kept telling that love is BS, that it will ruin everything and that he prefers that we'd be friends because friendship lasts forever, a relationship always ends. I was hurt of course. So I decided to move on and forget about the fact that we will be together, but we still kept in touch and we still saw each other for a few months.
End of summer came. He asked me if I still love him, and I said yes. This bugged me because it confuses me that we still talk a lot, but he still doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. He kept telling me its too long to explain on Facebook. I ignored the conversation although it really bothers me to know because I know I want him. I told myself I would forget about him and slowly pull myself away/ detach myself from him. We started to not see each other as often as we used to. He became distant and less talkative, and so did I because I didn't want to seem to attached. Fall came, and I still couldn't forget about him even if I tried to. We saw each other after 2 months of not seeing one another and I had asked for a closure to why he didn't want to be in a relationship. He told me he was recently diagnosed as a Saboteur, a person who ruins almost everything especially in a relationship but he is not aware that he does. He told me that he has serious problems that he has to deal with on his own, that he had to reconstruct himself. Being in a relationship is too painful for him, so he decides to not be in one because he doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't even want to try it out because in his mind, he is convinced that in a few months we may not even talk to each other anymore. That hed rather have me as his friend forever... I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship with me regardless our age difference and he said: "If my heart was in another place and different, yes."
I tried to understand what he was saying. I understood the sabotaging part and his anxiety issues... but something in his explanation was missing. A month later, everything made sense to me. I realized that he was for sure still in love with his ex. Because of his Saboteur character, he pushed her away and she eventually left him. I confronted him with my thoughts and he admits that he still is... this is why he can't commit to a relationship. He tells me he doesn't want to lie to me. His heart cannot be divided into two. His heart is with her right now. But at the same time, he tells me that as much as he meets a lot of women since they broke up, he never met any other woman like me. He never became friends with them like he was with me. He is seeing a therapist to become a better person for himself and his relationships (if he gets back with his ex). He tells me that he really likes me and prefer being good friends for now, but if I want to leave and walk out of his life because its too painful for me, he says he understands. He says that he never intends to hurt me or to make me sad... that it hurts him a lot for making me feel this way. That our story is sad. I told him I will endure this pain and still be his good friend. That I chose to be there for him during his struggles. I want to be one of the people he needs that will tell him that everything he is doing is OK. Deep down inside even though I want us to be together, I want to be there to support him while he reconstructs himself and for whatever that is best for him, even if that includes helping him get back with his ex.
I fell in love with this complicated guy... and I am so confused if what I'm doing is the right thing to do? Please help me... guide me.
A downfall is that he has an anxiety disorder. He is seeing a therapist to help him out. He would be anxious almost all the time, but never tells me why (he kept saying "I don't know"). At most times, he is pessimistic about himself. A little insecure (i.e. why are you interested in an old guy like me?). One day, we eventually wanted to have sex. I was hesitant because I knew I wanted to be in a relationship with him, and I wanted to make sure that he wants the same before anything happens between us. I told him that I fell for him... and I wanted to know where this "friendship" would lead us if we were to sleep together. He told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship. He told me likes me and that he wouldn't be talking to me or seeing me if he didn't. He said that his heart is not open for a new relationship. I kept asking him why, but he wouldn't answer me directly. He kept telling that love is BS, that it will ruin everything and that he prefers that we'd be friends because friendship lasts forever, a relationship always ends. I was hurt of course. So I decided to move on and forget about the fact that we will be together, but we still kept in touch and we still saw each other for a few months.
End of summer came. He asked me if I still love him, and I said yes. This bugged me because it confuses me that we still talk a lot, but he still doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. He kept telling me its too long to explain on Facebook. I ignored the conversation although it really bothers me to know because I know I want him. I told myself I would forget about him and slowly pull myself away/ detach myself from him. We started to not see each other as often as we used to. He became distant and less talkative, and so did I because I didn't want to seem to attached. Fall came, and I still couldn't forget about him even if I tried to. We saw each other after 2 months of not seeing one another and I had asked for a closure to why he didn't want to be in a relationship. He told me he was recently diagnosed as a Saboteur, a person who ruins almost everything especially in a relationship but he is not aware that he does. He told me that he has serious problems that he has to deal with on his own, that he had to reconstruct himself. Being in a relationship is too painful for him, so he decides to not be in one because he doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't even want to try it out because in his mind, he is convinced that in a few months we may not even talk to each other anymore. That hed rather have me as his friend forever... I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship with me regardless our age difference and he said: "If my heart was in another place and different, yes."
I tried to understand what he was saying. I understood the sabotaging part and his anxiety issues... but something in his explanation was missing. A month later, everything made sense to me. I realized that he was for sure still in love with his ex. Because of his Saboteur character, he pushed her away and she eventually left him. I confronted him with my thoughts and he admits that he still is... this is why he can't commit to a relationship. He tells me he doesn't want to lie to me. His heart cannot be divided into two. His heart is with her right now. But at the same time, he tells me that as much as he meets a lot of women since they broke up, he never met any other woman like me. He never became friends with them like he was with me. He is seeing a therapist to become a better person for himself and his relationships (if he gets back with his ex). He tells me that he really likes me and prefer being good friends for now, but if I want to leave and walk out of his life because its too painful for me, he says he understands. He says that he never intends to hurt me or to make me sad... that it hurts him a lot for making me feel this way. That our story is sad. I told him I will endure this pain and still be his good friend. That I chose to be there for him during his struggles. I want to be one of the people he needs that will tell him that everything he is doing is OK. Deep down inside even though I want us to be together, I want to be there to support him while he reconstructs himself and for whatever that is best for him, even if that includes helping him get back with his ex.
I fell in love with this complicated guy... and I am so confused if what I'm doing is the right thing to do? Please help me... guide me.