Ok so this is going to be a pretty long post, but I really need some advice from unbiased point of views. My fiancé and I have been together for almost a year. He never technically proposed, you know the whole down on one knee thing. We got promise rings for each other, then he decided he wanted to marry me. He's asked me multiple times to marry him, and I said yes. He won't admit it to any of his family though. It's kind of sad, so I'm not sure what to think. He wants to take me to the court house and do it, then keep it from everyone for a while. I'm not sure how that would work out, and I'm even starting to have second thoughts because I have never been through so much stress in my life.

He had a child with a woman before me, someone he just had no strings attached sex with, she lied and said she was on birth control, then ended up pregnant. He never dated her or anything, just a friend with benefits. Come to find out later she had a pregnancy pact with her friends and my fiancé was just her victim. I know plenty of women are in relationships with men that have a kid or kids from someone else, but it has been very difficult on me.

The other woman's mom just happens to be my fiance's mom's best friend from childhood. It has been all too dramatic with everything, but I've hung in there because I love my fiancé. His mom has been nothing but disrespectful to me and the other woman and her whole family are completely stuck up and hate me for no reason. They don't even know me. His mom has been trying to break us up from the beginning in discrete ways that she thinks I don't pick up on, and my fiancé definitely doesn't see them.

I know everyone probably wants him to be with the other woman because of the baby, but that's not what he wants. He never dated her, never loved her, and honestly can't stand her. He made a mistake and he beats himself up about it all the time. By the way, we were a month into our relationship before he even told me he had a baby. By that time, I already felt like he was the one. It was like love at first sight. I still love him more than anything, but his mom is trying to drive him away from me and it really hurts, especially when he literally wants to take me to the court house and get married as soon as possible. She tells him things like "girlfriends come and go, but your son will be here forever," and "you'll get over her once you guys break up. It will only hurt for a little bit."

I was so offended that now I don't ever go to his mother's house when he goes there and he's been getting very upset that I won't go over there. We've been living together for 9 months, and his mom thinks I am controlling him because he doesn't stay with her? It doesn't make any sense to me. He wants to stay with me because we live together and that makes him happy, not because I force him to. His mom has just made this relationship very difficult.

My other problem is that he doesn't spend much money on me. My best friend and my family keep telling me I deserve better than that. In my last relationship, my boyfriend paid for everything. Got me the best birthday and Christmas gifts and even offered to pay for stuff that he really didn't need to. Now I'm not extremely materialistic and I don't feel like I need to be treated like a princess 24/7, however, my current "fiancé" paying for a movie or dinner here and there would be nice. I got him $200 sunglasses for valentines day and he got me a $15 necklace, which is now missing most of the jewels.

He makes 10 times more money than I do and I know what he has in his bank account. I have to pay for myself for everything, even if we go for ice cream. I don't have an issue splitting everything 50/50, but he doesn't pay even half the time. He says he pays for a lot for me, but he definitely does not. The last thing he got me was a coke from McDonald's that I practically had to beg him to buy me because I didn't have money on me, then he keeps track of what he gets me and expects something in return. He always goes places to get food and if I don't have money, he won't even offer to buy me anything--I'm just along for the ride. For my birthday he got me flowers and some cookies. His excuse for not getting me anything was that he took me out to a birthday dinner and that he spent money on a $400 ring, which was 4 months before my birthday and I spent $250 more on the ring I got him.

He makes me feel bad if I ask for anything. It's not about the amount of money, I know, but he has a lot of money, and I mean A LOT. He makes more than his own mom. I just feel like I'm not worth enough to him to spend money on me. It hurts even more when he can spend hundreds of dollars on himself for workout stuff, games, food, etc. But when it comes to me, the most he'll spend is 3 bucks and that's only if I pay him back.

My best friend said "You're not really marrying this dude are you?"

Everyone thinks I deserve better, but he makes me happy. I just don't know what to think anymore. I can't be in a depression any longer because of his mom and his stingy ways. It's gotten to the point where I barely eat or shower anymore. I am very stressed out and can't decide what to do.

Someone please give me some advice, preferably not criticism against me. I know I'm not the strongest person, but I don't know if I'm seeing things the wrong way or what. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

JEEESSS!! What kind of man is that I mean every man knows that a women need to be treated even if she makes a lot than a man, but a real man make sacrifice to do his best to show you that he will do anything for you. I think you must talk to him about how you fell. He act as if he doesn't have to do anything for you, it seems like to me you will end up paying for the wedding too.

Why? Will he ask you to marry him on Court is it because he doesn't want to spend anything for you. He should throw a big wedding if he wanted to marry you and love you as he claim he does. To me you must wait don't rush into marrying this guy, if he doesn't change find yourself a loving, caring man, A man he will know that you deserve some specia treatment as a lady. Find the love you know you deserve.

If you want expensive gifts, find a rich married man and be his mistress.

Love is not defined by the amount of money he spends.

He should be a father to his child, and see and care for the child, that is the issue you have to deal with.

The two of you need to sit down and discuss money, honestly and open, that couples in love do not keep count of the pennies, the relationship will not work if you don't.
Expecting large gifts will not work either.

Also if you are really engaged or not, that needs to be cleared up, promise rings are not really engaged, unless it was specificly talked about

You have just detailed several ways that this relationship deeply hurts you, and your hurt is valid. Any of these circumstances on their own would be enough for me to terminate the relationship.

First, a month is way too long for him to withhold the fact that he has a child. That was a huge red flag. You said that you already loved him by this point, which he had to have some awareness of, which makes it even a more serious violation of trust. People are usually on their best behavior early in a relationship, so if he began with a lie of ommission, I would run from the relationship.

Second, he does not want to fight for you or take a stand for you with the other people in his life. I would not even DATE a man who didn't want his family or friends to know much less marry him. He will cheap out on what the marriage is meant to be, then you can expect a lifetime of disappointment where every milestone and celebration of life is blown off completely or mostly. He'll be the jerk who will be late to the hospital and miss the birth of his child; will "forget" about Mother's Day, buy you something cheap at Walgreens for your birthday, crab about you spending anything on yourself or your kids. Forget about it.

The other issue of his family not accepting you won't go away, either. He's not standing up to his parents now, and he never will. This will be a lifelong battle if you choose this guy.

And, his story about the baby - I'm sorry to say it but the accusations that the girl trapped him and so on and so forth - uhm, he's acting like it's a pretty casual thing and this was the daughter of his mother's closest friend? You know, there are some standards and boundaries in life. And where is his responsibility for not sleeping with people he doesn't love, and using a condom if he doesn't want to be a dad?

I really think you need to break up with this guy. It will hurt because you want to be in love and have a partner, and the idea of marriage is hard to let go of. The thing is, who you marry can impact your life like no other decision. Marry the right person and it's a lifetime of bliss. Marry the wrong person and man, it can really derail your life in every way.

What kind of friend, much less fiancé, buys food for themselves and not for the other person they supposedly care about when they are out together? I could see if you wasted all your money all the time, but given you normally pay your own way - uhm, that's really, really cheap. It's also more than cheap - it's him putting you in your place and telling you he doesn't value you. It's a deliberate thing and it won't change. I'm pretty broke but even so, if I were out with any of my close friends, I would treat if they didn't have money and I was stopping for a burger - or I would wait until we were done hanging out together if I couldn't afford to do so. I would never, ever, ever buy myself food and leave someone I cared about hungry. Height of rudeness.

Marry this guy and you'll be miserable for life. Break up with him and you'll be miserable for a few weeks.

If you want expensive gifts, find a rich married man and be his mistress.

Love is not defined by the amount of money he spends.

he should be a father to his child, and see and care for the child, that is the issue you have to deal with.

The two of you need to sit down and discuss money, honestly and open, that couples in love do not keep count of the pennies, the relationship will not work if you don't.
Expecting large gifts will not work either.

Also if you are really engaged or not, that needs to be cleared up, promise rings are not really engaged, unless it was specificly talked about

The thing is, he doesn't want to care for his child. I'm not asking for really expensive gifts, but I find him selfish spending 100s on himself, but literally nothing on me. Trust me, he IS rich. I understand that love isn't about gifts, but it's not only gifts. I pay for everything on my own, which I don't necessarily find right. For the record, we have discussed marriage. I said it originally started as a promise ring, but he continuously asks please marry me, let's do it next week, I want to marry you, etc. etc. The fact that I am having second thoughts leads me to believe maybe I shouldn't go trough with it. The original title to this post was "is he selfish or am I?" ---I do feel selfish at times.

You have just detailed several ways that this relationship deeply hurts you, and your hurt is valid. Any of these circumstances on their own would be enough for me to terminate the relationship.

First, a month is way too long for him to withold the fact that he has a child. That was a huge red flag. You said that you already loved him by this point, which he had to have some awareness of, which makes it even a more serious violation of trust. People are usually on their best behavior early in a relationship, so if he began with a lie of ommission, I would run from the relationship.

Second, he does not want to fight for you or take a stand for you with the other people in his life. I would not even DATE a man who didn't want his family or friends to know much less marry him. He will cheap out on what the marriage is meant to be, then you can expect a lifetime of disappointment where every milestone and celebration of life is blown off completely or mostly. He'll be the jerk who will be late to the hospital and miss the birth of his child; will "forget" about Mother's Day, buy you something cheap at Walgreens for your birthday, crab about you spending anything on yourself or your kids. Forget about it.

The other issue of his family not accepting you won't go away, either. He's not standing up to his parents now, and he never will. This will be a lifelong battle if you choose this guy.

And, his story about the baby - I'm sorry to say it but the accusations that the girl trapped him and so on and so forth - uhm, he's acting like it's a pretty casual thing and this was the daughter of his mother's closest friend? You know, there are some standards and boundaries in life. And where is his responsibility for not sleeping with people he doesn't love, and using a condom if he doesn't want to be a dad?

I really think you need to break up with this guy. It will hurt because you want to be in love and have a partner, and the idea of marriage is hard to let go of. The thing is, who you marry can impact your life like no other decision. Marry the right person and it's a lifetime of bliss. Marry the wrong person and man, it can really derail your life in every way.

He doesn't value you enough to even buy you a quarter pounder when you're short on cash - this is the guy you want to spend your life with? It's not about you being greedy - don't let him make you feel that way.

My ex-husband was nowhere near as selfish as this guy but he had the "fairness" thing going. Like if it was my "turn" to drive, he wouldn't drive eve if it was a date night, and I wanted to feel like the woman in the relationship. He was also very cheap with gifts - I didn't expect a lot but the gifts he gave to me, his wife, could have been secret santa presents for a coworker - so impersonal and cheap. It wasn't about the money or me being greedy but rather about always feeling like he was trying to show me how much he didn't care, instead of how much he did. And general cheapness - my husband did pick up the tab when we were dating but once married, he treated me like a child with the money discussions - somehow we could always afford his new electric bass or the computer he wanted "just for fun" which he didn't need, or clothes for him from the most expensive men's store in town. But if I went to Target and bought a pair of jeans without aking him first if we could afford it, he acted like it was a huge betrayal of his trust. Basically, his money was his and my money was "ours".

You are being treated like crap by his family, and he is following suit, also treating you like garbage. Your friends see it, too. Do not be the dumb woman who ignores the obvious signs, ignores her own gut feelings, ignores the words of the people who do have her back and walks right into a disaster. Go through the temporary hurt of a hard breakup so you don't have to have the permanent hurt of a bad marriage, please!

I am literally in tears after reading this post. I feel as if everything you said is right. My parents and friends have been telling me practically the same things, I just don't want to admit it to myself. I know what the right thing to do for my future is, but I can't convince myself to leave him now. I really do love him, and I am not good about letting go. I guess I am almost afraid in a way. Thank you for your advice

JEEESSS!!!!! What kind of man is that i mean every man knows that a women need to be treated even if she makes a lot than a man, but a real man make sacrifice to do his best to show you that he will do anything for you. I think you must talk to him about how you fell. He act as if he does'nt have to do anything for you, it seems like to me you will end up paying for the wedding too.

Why? will he ask you to marry him on Court is it becouse he doesnt want to spend anything for you. He should throw a big wedding if he wanted to marry you and love you as he claim he does. To me you must wait dont rush into marrying this guy, if he doesnt change find yourself a loving, caring man, A man he will know that you deserve some specia treatment as a lady. Find the love you know you deserve.

Everything you said sounds exactly like what my best friend keeps telling me. Thank you for the advice, I really really appreciate it.

Are you seriously considering marrying this man?
There is just too much drama here, and any man who says he wants to and marry you but don't tell anyone is full of it.
This business with the girl and the baby is kind of smelly too. Leave this man alone.

What do you love about him?

What you feel for him isn't love. It's desperation. You're afraid there won't be someone better. There will be but not until you make room for him but firing the guy you have in the job now. If you aren't ready to leave then just do this - put off the wedding and go to counseling for yourself. Tell your boyfriend in no uncertain terms what you need from him for the relationship to work. Don't marry him until you have no doubts and can have the wedding and more importantly the marriage that you want. Lots of people date for many years before marriage so there's no deadline on that.

Never, ever, ever marry a man or risk pregnancy with a man who has a child he does not want to take care of or be involved with. He's proven his character as a father - is that what you want for your kid? To be 8 and crying because Daddy didn't come to the birthday party, or in middle school and sad because they don't have their "real" dad at the father-daughter dance?

I think you really can break up with him - you are choosing not to but there's no reason you can't. It's a very juvenile perspective on a relationship that you can't leave someone because you love them - the difference between that level of relationship and a serious adult relationship leading to marriage is the conduct of the person, how they impact your life, whether they can be trusted, whether they can be relied upon, whether they make you feel special, whether they make you feel cherished, whether they have your back. For this guy, it's a big, huge, red NO across the board.

This love is unhealthy and the longer you stay the worse it gets. Don't use love as an excuse to ignore the facts, or the waving red flags. That would be denial.


but he makes me happy

You don't sound very happy to me.

Thank you all so much for your answers. My father, too, has told me to see a therapist and figure out if I can make this work or how I can make myself leave. It is apparent that I need to make myself leave to save myself a lifetime of depression. You all put it into perspective for me, and I can't thank you enough. It's amazing how these posts can make me feel stronger, as if I CAN leave.

Making it work is not a good option. You need to leave this situation.
I wish you well.