Ok so need a bit of help with this one, guys.

Recently my girlfriend of almost 3 years has been having some serious family issues. Her mum was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer this time last year, and its been getting gradually worse. Everybody is devastated but putting on a brave face including her mum, but it's so hard especially for my girlfriend. She's not the best multi-tasker, but I know myself that she's been acting off. Her mum was doing well up until the summer, so the mood has been slightly upbeat, as we were trying to make the most of the good times before the cancer gradually gets worse.

Since then, it's gotten worse, and I can see that my girlfriend is so lost. I mean, that's her mummy she's seeing so vulnerable for the first time in her life. She's got good support around her but few people she genuinely opens up to. I am one of the people she can open up to, along with a friend. Recently, maybe the last few months, it's been very hard on us. We have had fights like every normal couple in our 3 years, but things feel heavy more so now.

She asked me for a break 2 weeks ago to sort her head out and find out or figure out if this is what she wants. We have to treat it as a break-up (btw, we took a break for a few weeks during the summer, but missed each other so much that we ended up reuniting). I'm completely devastated about it all. I love her to bits. She is the first person I think about when I wake and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. I've been strong for her through all this, and I think of her family as almost like a second family to me, so losing her mum is going to affect me to (but in no way the same as it will her, as I understand -- her mum is her world).

I'm basically looking for some advice as what to do next. She asked for space, so I have given it to her. I've gone no contact since we broke up. Respecting her wishes and trying to pick up the pieces for me... it's been so hard and have been trying to keep myself busy with work, gym, talking to a friend.

I know you are all going to say to me to move on, live your life etc... easier said than done. Can't stop thinking about her and even about her mum (who has kept in contact with me). When the times have been good, we are great together, we both agree. I see this girl as my soul-mate. Since we have broken up she's been texting more, but I have avoided contact. Today she sent me a message saying "I miss you so so much." She CALLS my work to speak to me, asking if she can come over to visit me as she misses me and needs me... she was nearly in tears, saying she was so happy to talk to me, etc.

I'm trying to be strong for me first, so I said in the nicest way possible that it's for the best if she didn't... long story short, she asked me could she call me and talk because she misses me, etc. so I said, yeah sure, before quickly getting off the phone.

So you see, it's complicated with getting mixed signals. Do you guys think I should just be there for her while this is going on with her mum and maybe see where it goes? Maybe she's too fragile mentally for a relationship? I need advice because I'm completely lost... I want her in my life/my future... how do I go about it? What do you do when they ask for space, are given space but then come back saying they miss you?

Any help would be really REALLY appreciated. Thanks for listening to my 'almost' autobiography!

I'm Sorry to hear that Samm,but your girlfriend(ex?) Is going through an incredibly tough time right now.
She said that she needed to clear her head, and then she says she misses you. Both are true.

There are times when it feel like you cannot go on anymore, and you can fall into depression. Sometimes you just need space to think. That's probably what she needed. If she says she misses you, then don't push her away.

She needs support in her life, and if she's coming to you for help, you should honestly do you best to help.
Don't abandon her when she needs you, be there for her, and if everything turns out well, you will feel better knowing you were there to help when things were bad.

Hi Samn,

I am so sorry to hear of this sad situation.I think the only reason you and her have broken up is purely because of her Mum,it's not because she doesn't want you or you her, it's just that she knows time is getting close and that she is finding it hard to deal with everything right now.

I think she has put on hold things that can wait in her life, knowing that they will still be there for her when all of this is over.You say you have broken up, but actually your just putting your relationship on hold, so that your girlfriend can try to deal with the priority's in her life right now, which of course is her Mum.

There is no reason why you should not see each other for support or any other reason but nothing full on right now.You are still together and I believe you will be together after all of this terrible trauma has passed,it will take time.

Do not deny yourselves the support from each other which you both so desperately need at this sad time.

Sweetheart, my heart really goes out to you both.

In my opinion, she loves you a lot and when she says she wants space, she's not doing so because she thinks the relationship is failing or that you're giving her stress, I just think it's as she has a lot of responsibility with this matter, and doesn't want you to feel like you're either losing her or not doing enough for her.

Do give her space when she asks for it, but when she does so, reassure her you love and care for her. You'll both get through it.

Xx Dani

Hi guys really appreciate the comments and feedback, its been a help & comfort to me.

These past 2wks I feel like Ive gotten better perspective on what she's going through. This past yr has seen an increase in tension & fights between us but I'm realising now that they were frustrations both of us were having privately that we managed to bring into the relationship. She did say it made her doubt us? Sometimes when you're involved in something it can also make you blind in some ways. I will work on that for me at least.

I hope we do get through this together as I want to be there for her in any way I can. Maybe I was there for her too much when she asked & it didn't leave time for her to figure anything out for herself?

I wasn't sure whether to keep the no contact going or not.. considering she asked for us to breakup & then also asked to see me etc... but your right.. be the bigger person, its not about me its about her & I'd do anything for her

Hi guys really appreciate the comments and feedback, its been a help & comfort to me.

These past 2wks I feel like Ive gotten better perspective on what shes going through. this past yr has seen an increase in tension & fights between us but im realising now that they were frustrations both of us were having privately that we managed to bring into the relationship. she did say it made her doubt us? Sometimes when youre involved in something it can also make you blind in some ways. I will work on that for me at least.

I hope we do get through this together as I want to be there for her in any way I can. Maybe I was there for her too much when she asked & it didnt leave time for her to figure anything out for herself?!

I wasn't sure whether to keep the no contact going or not..considering she asked for us to breakup & then also asked to see me etc...but ur right..be the bigger person, its not about me its about her & I'd do anything for her

I think the relationship takes a back seat to love and support at this time and she should feel free to contact you whenever she needs to. Sometimes we sacrifice our personal need for those of a loved one who needs it, expecting nothing in return.

Hope it works out for you.

Sorry to hear that.

But, for now, respect her wishes. She has enough pressure.
Im sure you care, and want to be there. And she's realizes that.
She will let you know how & when.

In the same right, don't put your life on hold in the meantime.

Your relationship issues may have nothing to do with her Mom's illness.

"What do you do when they ask for space, are given space but then come back saying they miss you?
Then you give them space. Whatever the reasons.

Just go about your business for now.

Hi Samm,

I'm sorry about what you are going through.
I think the best way to describe the situation is that both of you are on different pages.
She is living an emotional turmoil where she probably feels sad, powerless, exhausted, and about to loose the most important person in her life. Time is short, an she wants to be as much time as she can with her mother. You just feel her distant.

I don't think she intends to break up, but, in the emotional confusion, that may happen. Specially, if she feels you're not being mature and understanding about this.

Right now, her priorities are her mother, the time she can spend with her and the emotional dimension of their relationship.

Your best move is to be there to support her in everything she needs and expect nothing in return during this time.

The worse thing that could happen would be if she, in the future, resented you for not spending all the time she needs with her mother, or for you giving her a hard time.

Be a gentleman, and you can't go wrong.

Good luck to you,
-

That's really good advice, thank you.
I have given her space to herself and we have been in contact little by little.. mostly with her doing all the initating texting and calling (even asking to meet up). Ive been going about my business mostly, no initiating of contact from me once but she's never far from my thoughts. This past month I have literally scowled the internet on topics of advice in order to help enlighten me on the approach to this whole situation the right way and Ive taken all advice onboard. I want to be there for her when she needs me if nothing else.
Its her mums birthday this week so Ordered her some thoughtful stuff I know she would like online & had it sent to their house giftwrapped. It went down well.
We then met up the other day & went for dinner (as I said she had been asking to see me for a while + I felt enough time had passed,about a month or so). It was really nice. Just to see her even. She looked so happy to see me and was very touchy with me, smiling, complementative, calling me baby every so often (slip of the tongue I guess), we laughed joked & I acted my old upbeat self. I'm not saying I expect anything to change, I know the score, I know why we are having this time and nothings ever straight forward but it seemed like she is really missing us so maybe there's some hope for later...

Appreciate all the feedback guys

PATIENCE. I remember going through this as well, time moves very slow.

Very True and the clocks go back an hour this weekend.. adding to the time haha!

Cool man,

Sounds like your date went well.

This is a really good time to concentrate on YOU, other things that make you happy.

Without worrying, or dwelling. That'll Kill you. Drive you crazy.

Sometime the universe gives us hints to do so. Take it.

You are #1. Always.

Hi Samm,

A couple of things I forgot to mention. So far, I talked about what to expect BEFORE the mother's death. There is also the WHEN and the AFTER.

During the WHEN (+- a couple of days), the pain will hit it's maximum intensity. Romance and sex related stuff will probably be non existent. The feeling she has for you will probably be obscured by the pain and the sadness. At this point your support is of most importance. Just don't ask for anything. Be there. Period.

The AFTER is the healing period. And it takes a lot of time. Expect no less than about 6 months, and, depending on the relationship the girl has with her mother, it may go up to 2yrs. This grief period starts with a lot of sadness, that will gradually be replaced my the "normal" living routines. At first, music may be (most likely) disturbing, so will be clubs and going out at night, romance, sex, and being with people in general. Depression (as the 4th of the 5 stages of grief) will hit hard. Parties are all but funny and no, a party or a night out will not cheer up anyone in grief. Most likely, a walk in the park or going to a desert beach (if near the water) is more productive in terms of healing the pain. Periods of extreme sadness and crying may happen when you least expect. Keep in mind that this is a gradual process with a lot of ups and downs. Search online for stuff related to grief and depression - and no, medication (alcohol and anti-depressives included) is not the answer... unless with own a pharmaceutics company and are obsessed with sales.

She'll probably talk a lot about her mother, remembering things that happen. Some are sad, some are joyful. Just listen. Don't judge. Don't say what you think. Don't have an opinion. This is also part of the healing process.

It takes time and patience. And I'll be hard. But, if you love her, it'll be worth it.

Again, be a gentleman. This is the time to think about her and not be selfish. Some day, roles may be reversed, and you'll need someone with a lot of patience by your side. Right now it's your turn.


Best,
-i

Thanks ideafix that info is really helpful

Hi all,
Posted on this about my break/break up a while back,just looking for a bit of refresh advice

Just to recap.. was in a relationship for 3yrs, We were very happy together and its been difficult.
We were having issues and a massive issue is that her mum is dying which complicates things,she said she needed a break/space to sort her head out and see if 'this is what she really wants with us'.

My first post: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-broke-up-because-her-mother-dying-603486.html

That was 2months ago.
Since then I went no contact for about a month,for me if nothing more. Took everyone's advice onboard. We have been in contact more now. (although I always stick to the rule that I never initiate contact 1st).
She has been calling & texting me occasionally, ringing my work to talk with me, she calls into work to talk with me fairly often, she's also 'touchy feely' when she's aound me. Calling me baby, initiating holding my hand,eye contact, leaning in to kiss me before she goes and she has told me she misses me & thinks about me all the time,she still loves me and she's still in love with me.

She arrived at my house 2wks ago at like 3am after a few drinks out because she said she wanted to see me missed me so she stayed over (nothing happened in that way,she just hugged me all night and said she was so happy that I let her in to stay even if she was drunk)
I've been playing my cards close to my chest so never give too much away, she knows I miss and love her though. I don't want to be too emotionally open with her because it is my heart on the line and I fear that if I'm too open again then it might scare her away. Things are complicated by the fact that her mother is ill. She's not thinking clearly in some aspects of her life but she's indecisive by nature.
Everybodys response and advice has been so helpful. I took the advice onboard,let her know she is loved and that I am here for her no matter what during this difficult time with her mum.

I'm just so confused. Its been 2months in limbo, I've busied myself but its been so tough and I know now more than ever that I love her so so much. These mixed signals are confusing me. I don't know if maybe she sees that we have a future together? She asked for the breakup and in the back of my mind that's what it keeps coming back to. I have hope,but don't want to cling to just that alone.
What do I do next?
My fear is telling her how I feel and then her telling me she's not in a good place or not wanting to get back.. will the pressure make her run away?
I'm not looking to jump straight into a full on relationship right now because she needs to focus on spending time with family for now,all I'm looking to know is if maybe she intends on there being an 'us' again?
Am I being unreasonable asking this?

Keep your distance, be a friend don't allow anything sexual. This may be a destructive way for her to deal with the stress she is under. Establish boundaries with her and stick to them.

I knew it would get complicated after a while, and very confusing because of YOUR feelings for her that were surely to be even more stirred up. Only you can know if she is ready now or not to face reality, but if you can stay in control a bit more, she may come to the conclusion she has grieved, and leaned on you enough to start facing reality, and began a healing process with or without you.

Its better if it were on her own, but she may need guidance, and some gentle nudging from you. After all, you have endured much also, and that has to be acknowledged. Boundaries are good, but maybe protecting yourself from her behavior, selfish as it may be, being less available is what you have to consider.

Some things she will have to figure out on her own, some things you have to tell her about. The specifics, are for you to thoughtfully decide. Time to be firm I think. Tough, but gentle if you understand what I am saying. I am sure she can understand YOUR own needs for healing.