Threads merged

I also still love my ex boyfriend! I just can't forget him. We were together for 2years, we had our ups and downs especially for him eyeing up other women, which he said was all in my head. I did suspect him cheating but never had any prove! He did ask me to marry him but I wasn't sure as I felt he was manipulating me as he shouted at me while out at a bar and then poped the question with no ring. I said no but not a complete no ,because I loved him and wanted to wait a bit longer. Anyway a few months later, due to his nationality he had to go back to his country! He broke it off and some of his family influenced him to stay away from me even though they never met me?he told me he was confused by what his family had said etc.. that bad things would happen if he saw me, and wouldn't reason with me and stayed illegal for 1yr before going back to his country. During this time, he was on sights looking and talking to girls! I saw him on line everyday till the early hours of the morning. That really sickened me, what was wrong with me why couldn't it have worked out? Then I would have married him eventually. I wasn't the nationality of the country we were in so it was complicated to get married but we could have gone back to my country but at this stage he was illegal and probably would have been refused. He did love me as told someone I know. But had no choice and couldn't stay with no job, no money etc.. I was hurt that he didn't offer me to go with him, in the beginning he would say, lets go to my country it's a good life etc.. But he really wanted to stay here.
I miss him a lot, I have tried to move on in activities and had a new boyfriend who took off without any explanation, so broken hearted again but while I was with him I still preferred my ex. Don't ask me why its just a special guy to me. Something I had never experienced with any other guy.The physical side was good too. Since he has sent me a few emails and says hi on msn! Now I'm alone and think to myself maybe I should have married him back then. Maybe I was being to harsh and imagining things?I can't find the same feelings I had for him with another guy I've tried but it keeps going back to him... I was thinking of going to visit him in his country to see what its like there and how his life is? And maybe get it out of my system!Has anyone got any sugestions, or opinions? THANKS

Suggest you stop obsessing about something you can't change. The past.

If he wanted you he would have said so. Let it go and focus on the future.

Its understandable you miss him and the good times you had, but you have to balance that with reality, and that reality is he had to go home, and get his act together.

Has he stayed in touch with you in some way? If your answer is no, why do you think that is. Its highly probable that he was enjoying the moment and has moved to other things, in which case those longings to get back together are not realistic, just as the yearning to go find him is not realistic.

Enjoy your memories, but be practical, and live your own life.

You have to stalk the hell out of this guy he deserves it. Go to him and ask for a straight answer

Its understandable you miss him and the good times you had, but you have to balance that with reality, and that reality is he had to go home, and get his act together.

Has he stayed in touch with you in some way? If your answer is no, why do you think that is. Its highly probable that he was enjoying the moment and has moved to other things, in which case those longings to get back together are not realistic, just as the yearning to go find him is not realistic.

Enjoy your memories, but be practical, and live your own life.

Hello!
Thank you very much for replying, Yes he has contacted me by e-mail, and on the msn, but said nothing about getting back together:(
Its difficult because where he's living there isin't many jobs and very low paid, but he is working now. Even if I went there with him chances are I'd be at home or maybe teaching english! Also he is from a different culture but he is not religious, but does the ramadan every year! I have no problem with that! Do you think two different cultures can stay together long term? I open to all cultures.. Going back to reality I can't accept the separation it hurts too much I've tried and tried to move on, I move on but I think of him a lot! And sometimes I can't think straight! I wish he could come back. Why is love so complicated? Other guys just haven't got what he has.. that something that brought a smile to my face each time I saw him, and a feeling of happiness! To find that again I don't think so!! Was thinking of calling him, would love to hear his voice again, its been 6months.

People heal at different times. Six months seems like a long time to you, but it does get better. If you read some of the stories on here (highly advisable), you will read so many stories of people struggling for many months. The common thread is that typically they do heal and they then realize it was all for the best. You had doubts about him - trust your gut.

I was crazy about a guy I dated for 18 months, but I also knew it wasn't going to work in the long run. It was difficult to break it off but I also knew it was necessary. I was so obsessed with him. It's been 4 years now and I still think about him, but more with fond memories now. I would say it took me a year to stop questioning whether I did the right thing and to stop thinking about getting back together with him. Fortunately I was wise enough not to play games with him. I just kept thinking about it, processing information, and always coming back to the conclusion I did the right thing.

Love can feel complicated, but in my experience it isn't when you find the right man at the right time. Good luck.

you have to stalk the hell out of this guy he deserves it. go to him and ask for a straight answer
A straight answer to what?
Stalking someone is childish and criminal.

Move on with your life, he has. It hurts. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

I don't want to be cruel, but that's how I feel.

This guy is not showing any signs that he wants you back. You need to contnue to try and move on, however dating someone else thinking that will help is not right. You don't use someone as a rebound, especially if they don't know they are a rebound.
It will get easier with time.

You have to accept the separation.
You need to seek some counseling to help you deal with this.

He is only one man! There are so many more out there. He left and went back to his country, that would tell me something and it didn't include you. I don't mean to be harsh, but I think he just wants to remain friends. You said, you suspected him cheating, and I would be darn if I would go to another country to hunt down this man. You deserve better! Try to stay focused on you and keep positive. We learn so many things from our relationship. Good luck.

Well If He Really Loved You He Wouldn't Of Left You & Been Confused About If He Should Stay With You Or Noo; Obviously He Wasn't To Confused If He Didn't Come Back; Don't Blamee Yourself For Any Of This; It Was His Choice To Leave You; & Dating Other People Right Now Is Out Of The Question You Need To Just Hang Out With Friends & Family For A Couple Months; Forget Him & Other Guys For Awhilee;

People heal at different times. Six months seems like a long time to you, but it does get better. If you read some of the stories on here (highly advisable), you will read so many stories of people struggling for many months. The common thread is that typically they do heal and they then realize it was all for the best. You had doubts about him - trust your gut.

I was crazy about a guy I dated for 18 months, but I also knew it wasn't going to work in the long run. It was difficult to break it off but I also knew it was necessary. I was so obsessed with him. It's been 4 years now and I still think about him, but more with fond memories now. I would say it took me a year to stop questioning whether I did the right thing and to stop thinking about getting back together with him. Fortunately I was wise enough not to play games with him. I just kept thinking about it, processing information, and always coming back to the conclusion I did the right thing.

Love can feel complicated, but in my experience it isn't when you find the right man at the right time. Good luck.

Thanks for advice and sharing your ewperience! It has been six months since I last talked to him but over a year that it has been off. We saw each other a couple of times but he was never OK because of his situation. I have been getting conselling but I still have this obsession always checking when he's on Facebook etc.. Its driving me to insanity! Its like a drug!!
I've never felt this kind of love for anyone and I've had my fair share of boyfriends.. Staying single alone is getting me down too and I don't know whether I want to stay in this country or move to an english speaking country. I know I must get things in to perspective maybe later down the line it wouldn't have worked but then again why think about it! I suppose I had a few doubts but who doesn't these days not a lot of people are sincere!You just have to take the risk because now without him I'm not much better off! I think he thought I didn't want to marry him! So that's why got turned off? Now he can never leave his country because he was illegal when he left this country and the police were looking for him! So he's banned!
If you still think about your ex guy after 4yrs, do you ever have regrets of not staying with him. Are you completely over him? I sometimes feel guilty for maybe the way I reacted when were going out and not so chilled about his situation.. He said he needs a woman to be there for him! AS if I wasn't there I was! But when I found out how risky it is to lodge someone who has no papers and the police were looking for him I freaked out little!with everyone I know saying its risky you can go to prison... after a few days, I said it was OK, but it was too late for him. This is a long story with a lot of detail but I'm trying to narrow it down. It doesn't stop from loving him no matter what. Is it right to follow your head or your heart?

I think you need to follow your head and your heart. They are equally important. I don't think a relationship can be healthy unless you follow both.

I mentioned I was obsessed with him. He used to make me CD's of his favorite music. I played them all the time, hours a day, while we were together. During the year after we broke up, I still played them often. They brought me to tears, wondering if I'd done the right thing and missing him. I finally had to put them away and just will myself not to listen. We used to write each other stories and he would write me poems. He was so talented. Like the CD's I would read them over and over, even after we broke up - until one day I decided it had to stop and I deleted them, plus all our e-mails. He joined MySpace after we broke up and would write blogs, and I would read them. One day he wrote about the love of his life (me) - it was beautiful, and again I had to will myself not to read the blogs again. The biggest mistake I made with him was to try and keep him in my life as a friend. Finally a year ago, he begged me to come back. I couldn't, and he finally told me he couldn't talk to me anymore. It was the healthiest step we took. He was so in my head when we were together that until we stopped talking it was hard to get him out. In the last year, we talked once - to say Merry Christmas. It was nice, but we both knew that was it.

I don't know how old you are, but I was 22-24 when we were together. He was 30-32. We were at different stages in our life. He wanted so badly to get married and have children. I was in a Masters Program and working on my career. He had feelings of insecurity because I was already making more money than he was and with my MBA I would be making quite a bit more. He was also insecure thinking he wasn't good enough for me. He trusted me completely but he always feared someone better would come along. He had what he'd refer to as black moods. It was very difficult for him, and therefore for me. Because of all these reasons and more, my head told me we shouldn't continue our relationship. Like you, I had never felt so deeply for anyone, but then I was only 22 when we met. I didn't know at that time what all was out there.

I think I gradually was getting over him during the second year after breaking up. I am completely over him now, though I still care for him and wish him the best. I am engaged now to someone who is so right for me. I have no hesitations about getting married at all. Part of it is timing – I'm 28 now and well established in my career. We are so alike, with the same values, goals, and interests. He's a very confident man, and he is proud of my accomplishments. It's easy to be with him and easy to love him.

So, I would suggest you think about the following:
1. Continue your counseling.
2. Put away or throw away anything that reminds you of him.
3. Will yourself to stay away from his Facebook.
4. Figure out what you want to do – move to a different country, get some more schooling, or follow a certain career path? Maybe none of those things – but what do you want?
5. Keep active. I'm very busy between work, exercise, a social life, and volunteering with teens and young women who are at risk for violence.
6. Volunteering is a great way to broaden your horizons. Do you have any interest in that?
7. You need to spend time figuring out what you want in a relationship. That was what helped me a lot. Think about that rather than thinking about him. When you start thinking about him, change your thoughts. Eventually, it becomes a habit. Eventually you stop thinking about him except on rare occasion.

I'm sure there are many more suggestions, but this is so long already. I wanted to give you a thorough answer. I know how you feel, but it will get better. I do believe in the long run you will realize that he wasn't the right one for you.

Please read "just lookings" advice and read the other advice. It will help you so much. God Bless

This was not a healthy or safe relationship and you seem to have an obsession going on.
Take the time to heal. This was not the right relationship for you.

I don't think this is so much about the ex, but what your coping with in your own life. People who are building a life that they enjoy, seldom dwell on the past. But let something not be right in other areas of our life, here comes thoughts of an ex to haunt us, especially since you have started a bad habit of checking his social network sites.

Nothing could be worse for your state of mind, than keeping his ghost alive in your mind. Deal with the life you're living, not the one you have lived.

I think you need to follow your head and your heart. They are equally important. I don't think a relationship can be healthy unless you follow both.

I mentioned I was obsessed with him. He used to make me CD's of his favorite music. I played them all the time, hours a day, while we were together. During the year after we broke up, I still played them often. They brought me to tears, wondering if I'd done the right thing and missing him. I finally had to put them away and just will myself not to listen. We used to write each other stories and he would write me poems. He was so talented. Like the CD's I would read them over and over, even after we broke up - until one day I decided it had to stop and I deleted them, plus all our e-mails. He joined MySpace after we broke up and would write blogs, and I would read them. One day he wrote about the love of his life (me) - it was beautiful, and again I had to will myself not to read the blogs again. The biggest mistake I made with him was to try and keep him in my life as a friend. Finally a year ago, he begged me to come back. I couldn't, and he finally told me he couldn't talk to me anymore. It was the healthiest step we took. He was so in my head when we were together that until we stopped talking it was hard to get him out. In the last year, we talked once - to say Merry Christmas. It was nice, but we both knew that was it.

I don't know how old you are, but I was 22-24 when we were together. He was 30-32. We were at different stages in our life. He wanted so badly to get married and have children. I was in a Masters Program and working on my career. He had feelings of insecurity because I was already making more money than he was and with my MBA I would be making quite a bit more. He was also insecure thinking he wasn't good enough for me. He trusted me completely but he always feared someone better would come along. He had what he'd refer to as black moods. It was very difficult for him, and therefore for me. Because of all these reasons and more, my head told me we shouldn’t continue our relationship. Like you, I had never felt so deeply for anyone, but then I was only 22 when we met. I didn’t know at that time what all was out there.

I think I gradually was getting over him during the second year after breaking up. I am completely over him now, though I still care for him and wish him the best. I am engaged now to someone who is so right for me. I have no hesitations about getting married at all. Part of it is timing – I’m 28 now and well established in my career. We are so alike, with the same values, goals, and interests. He's a very confident man, and he is proud of my accomplishments. It’s easy to be with him and easy to love him.

So, I would suggest you think about the following:
1. Continue your counseling.
2. Put away or throw away anything that reminds you of him.
3. Will yourself to stay away from his Facebook.
4. Figure out what you want to do – move to a different country, get some more schooling, or follow a certain career path? Maybe none of those things – but what do you want?
5. Keep active. I’m very busy between work, exercise, a social life, and volunteering with teens and young women who are at risk for violence.
6. Volunteering is a great way to broaden your horizons. Do you have any interest in that?
7. You need to spend time figuring out what you want in a relationship. That was what helped me a lot. Think about that rather than thinking about him. When you start thinking about him, change your thoughts. Eventually, it becomes a habit. Eventually you stop thinking about him except on rare occasion.

I’m sure there are many more suggestions, but this is so long already. I wanted to give you a thorough answer. I know how you feel, but it will get better. I do believe in the long run you will realize that he wasn’t the right one for you.

Hello again!
Thank you very much for you kindness and advise:)
I think you were very strong in sticking to your guns even though you loved him but you somehow felt he wasn't the one for life. You were also at a point where you were discovering who you were and life itself. As the guy had already experienced a lot and knew what he wanted. You must have felt torn! Listening to the songs that would have broken my heart, I can't listen to any of our songs, I try to avoid emotionel stuff. I'm so happy for you that you got through it and found someone now at the right time and feel at ease and peace with your choice. It is hard to begin with because its so easy to get reeled in. I think that's how my ex felt he wanted to give in to but I think his head was saying no for different things. He did let down the curtins a couple of times but then went back to his original decision, which broke my heart every time. Logically there wasn't much of a future for us no job, different culture, family pressure.. but if two people love each other they find a way that's the way I see it even if there were obstacles. But he wasn't the same guy I knew anymore he became angry and shut me off! The kind loving guy was gone. Who would blame him we all make mistakes, and he wasn't left with a lot of choice but to go back to his country. He might have thought that I wouldn't have fit in to his country, as I'm an independent girl...
I'm at a low point in my life, career wise, where I want to live my life, iF I want to be with an english speaking person? And who I am? I came to this country in my teens as there was language barrier, I didn't do well in my studdies along with the culture shock, divorce of my parents and their separate ways and lack of stabilty. So I was kind of between boring crappy jobs or short contracts, I was put down a lot by this, I lost confidence in who I was. I went out with a guy who turned out to be a mental case. It took me a year 11/2 to get rid of him after 3yrs with him. So that damaged my health and got health problems along with that. I began to loose who I was really meant to be and withdrew myself from reality instead of making drastic changes at the right time. I was numb. Its was very difficult to find a decent job, I tried to repass my exams several times but failed by a couple of points. But after work experience in that field, I realised it wasn't what I wanted to do anyway. And going back to my country I didn't see the point I wanted to succeed here before and felt I didn't really have any base to go back to. I had another few relationships but they didn't work out. Sometimes I would have anger issues and because of what I became pretty much nothing. I guess this was a turn off for them. So I decided to move to a bigger city and started a new life with a stable job and sharing an appartement with a girl until I found a place of my own. It was good, and then after 5months I met my ex who I fell madly in love with! He was a very charming and we just hit it off.There was a bit of an age difference he was 23 and I was 28, but he was very mature for his age and preferred mature women. He had a lot of charisma and we enjoyed eachothers company. So our story began it was good as all relationships are in the beginning if only they could stay that way all the time !lol! He found a good job. He could only work 6months a year until he changed his statut. He didn't want to be a student anymore he passed his exams but preferred to not go any further. It was a mistake because the longer you are student the more chance you have of staying. Apart from that some hicups did arise.. Over the two yrs he disappeared maybe twice, he was at a friends in depression because he couldn't work anymore that year. In the end he went back to his country with his family for a few months to find the strength to get back on his feet to rebegin another year and look for a job again. He kept in touch I missed him a lot and then he came back as he still had his student visa and really wanted to stay here. I gave him the support looking for a job and he found one which they later wanted to hire him permanantley. During this time he started to get confidence and very sure of himself He went out to a nightclub with his friends and the next day he got a text from girl saying I was so drunk etc.. how are you today? I know I shouldn't have but I didn't know where he had been the night before and he was sleeping all day long. It turned out to be a girl from his country just a friend who was there with other friends. Anyway after that, I later found a text from another girl, who he said was his friends mother! Lol!! I found out not long ago, on Facebook it was a barmaid he had asked her for her number and to be friends on Facebook. I will never know what happened there,. he also didn't do any chores or make dinner, so I was annoyed and angry by this, he started to get distant.
Sorry to cut off here I will continue with the rest of the story as soon as I can...
Thanks again!

Sounds like this guy leaving you may be best.
Get yourself together. Get your confidence rebuilt, work on yourself esteem. Do you for awhile, don't obsess over him, it will get better.

Build yourself esteem. Find the person you want to be. There is aa big wonderful world out there and you have a lot of wonderful things to look forward too.

You've had a rough time. That's part of the reason you can't stop thinking about him... because at least for a while he made you feel better. He was so young and unsettled that it's no surprise it didn't work. Remember the things you have said: there's no future for him where you are now; there is a question as to whether you would fit in his country (where he has to be), plus he hasn't asked you to come; different cultures and family problems; he was showing signs of anger and shutting you out; and, the questions about other women. Those are compelling reasons to be done with this relationship. Charm and charisma are very attractive, but they only go so far.

You have lots of decisions to make, and that is where your focus needs to be. I'm glad you are in counseling. I hope you are sorting out your needs. Only after you figure out what you want and start feeling better about yourself will you be in a position to make a good choice about a mate. Good luck.

Please remember, we are here if you need to talk. It will get better.

I don't think this is so much about the ex, but what your coping with in your own life. People who are building a life that they enjoy, seldom dwell on the past. But let something not be right in other areas of our life, here comes thoughts of an ex to haunt us, especially since you have started a bad habit of checking his social network sites.

Nothing could be worse for your state of mind, than keeping his ghost alive in your mind. Deal with the life you're living, not the one you have lived.

Very nice quote, but its easier said than done, I'm only humain with feelings for someone that I can't let go of, even though I'm living my life the best I can. I do agree with you about my actuel life, its empty and I don't have a career as such, and I regret some of my past choices, but it is about my ex too, because I still love him, that's possible. My state of mind is blured I hope to see clearer one day!

We all understand how difficult it is. We've all been through it, and want to help you get over him in the most quick and least painful way possible. I wish I had found this site a couple of years ago. It would have made things easier.

We all have made mistakes in life. I've made some huge mistakes, but the real question is what you do once you figure out you need to make a change. Part of it is mindset - figure out what you want, figure out how to get it, and then do it. There will be times when you give in a little because it is hard, but you just pick yourself up again and continue towards your goal.

Please remember, we are here if you need to talk. It will get better.

Thank you:)

Hang in there. Time is a healer and seek out friends who will help you.

You've had a rough time. That's part of the reason you can't stop thinking about him ... because at least for a while he made you feel better. He was so young and unsettled that it's no surprise it didn't work. Remember the things you have said: there's no future for him where you are now; there is a question as to whether you would fit in his country (where he has to be), plus he hasn't asked you to come; different cultures and family problems; he was showing signs of anger and shutting you out; and, the questions about other women. Those are compelling reasons to be done with this relationship. Charm and charisma are very attractive, but they only go so far.

You have lots of decisions to make, and that is where your focus needs to be. I'm glad you are in counseling. I hope you are sorting out your needs. Only after you figure out what you want and start feeling better about yourself will you be in a position to make a good choice about a mate. Good luck.

Hello,
Yes I said some reasons of why it might not have worked but it keeps coming back to him and all the reasons fly out the window. Nobody can explain why we love someone we just do.
Yes his charm sometimes made me feel insecure because any girl he glanced at would be taken in by him he just had this aura about him that everyone jumped to his needs when he clicked his fingers(matter of speach) I guess I was taken in by him too. Deep down he is a good person he was just afraid for his future and put a mask up as a charmer who knows? And who knows if his feelings were sincere? Mine were a 100%.I have recently stopped the counseling as its very expensive but might go back in September
How can I still be in this obsession its crazy!! I can't stop!

This is where your brain kicks in, if you will let it. You have the power to make choices. I think it would be healthier for you to stop the obsession. I get the feeling you want to stop. I talked about it above, but one thing to do is change what you are thinking about when he comes into your thoughts. Over time, he will come to mind less often. Stop peeking at Facebook. Stay active - socialize with friends, exercise, read, play a sport, take a walk... give yourself new experiences to think about so you think less about him. When I was troubled last year, I read a lot of other posts on this board. There is so much insight here that you will learn things about yourself by reading what others have to say. The first step is admitting this is an issue and you want to move forward.

I was thinking about a thread you might read. It isn't exactly like your problem, but I think it might help. Rebecca was a girl our age who came on here devastated by the man she loved. What makes this story so special is how she blossomed during the thread. She became a confident, self-assured woman who came to realize she valued herself too much not to move on in life. I think you might really enjoy the thread, and I think it will give you ideas for yourself. Not all of it will apply, but take what you need from it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/bf-wants-see-what-else-out-there-400372.html

We all came to love her. If nothing else, as one poster referred to it, it is a "feel good" thread.

I was thinking about a thread you might read. It isn't exactly like your problem, but I think it might help. Rebecca was a girl our age who came on here devastated by the man she loved. What makes this story so special is how she blossomed during the thread. She became a confident, self-assured woman who came to realize she valued herself too much not to move on in life. I think you might really enjoy the thread, and I think it will give you ideas for yourself. Not all of it will apply, but take what you need from it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/bf-wants-see-what-else-out-there-400372.html

We all came to love her. If nothing else, as one poster referred to it, it is a "feel good" thread.




Jlo... That is a beautiful thread. It will help the OP. Just wonderful. Thank you for sharing this. Seville it will help to view and read this.

I was thinking about a thread you might read. It isn't exactly like your problem, but I think it might help. Rebecca was a girl our age who came on here devastated by the man she loved. What makes this story so special is how she blossomed during the thread. She became a confident, self-assured woman who came to realize she valued herself too much not to move on in life. I think you might really enjoy the thread, and I think it will give you ideas for yourself. Not all of it will apply, but take what you need from it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/bf-wants-see-what-else-out-there-400372.html

We all came to love her. If nothing else, as one poster referred to it, it is a "feel good" thread.

Hello!
I read the thread you advised me to read, wow! I really admire Rebecca, she had so much courage, and moved on quickly after a few months wow! She could have easily gone back with him but didn't as it could have been risky in the long run. I think these types of men are weak and need to constantly seduce girls and women to feel alive and exist. They can't live any other way, it makes them feel great knowing that they have a couple on the go.
Its interesting to know if a cheat is always a cheat or will they settle down after marriage? Unfortunately, they will have to live with the consequences. My father lived a double life cheating for several years, and it changed our lives forever. When my mom found out she threw him out and changed countries and was never the same. When they were going out in the beginning, I think he cheated once and my mom gave him a chance and said if you ever cheat again its over. I saw him not long ago, because of the distance we never hardly saw each other. I didn't feel comfortable in his presence, and he drinks a lot. But he's still my father. He still regrets what he did and thinks my mom is great! Well its too late now. Over the years I carried a weight on my shoulders because of the guilt from my mom and father. I still haven't established what I want to do, where I want to be, and fell on guys that broke my heart. Now I feel its too late for anything trying to start a career again when I should be getting married with at least one kid.
Going back to my ex when I met him he took a lot of that weight of my shoulders and he was great. I think he had an advantage of me being vunlerable, moving to a big city and not knowing many people he sweept me off my feet.
Going back to the end of the story.. When he started to get distant... I had to move places within a month, during that time, he went to his brothers while he was on holiday. When I called him a few times he didn't answer the phone and played mind games. At the weekend he said he was going to see an old friend at a bar. I was worried knowing how charming he is, but I went out with my friends. The next day we were supposed to meet, I called him in the late afternoon he didn't answer his phone.The next day I called him at work with a masked number and he answered with a charming voice thinking it was someone else. When he heard it was me he changed his voice back to another voice. (weird) Anyway I went to see him the next day and checked his phone there was a text from a girl on the day he didn't answer saying meet me at the exposition at 3pm, he replied yes I'm on my way wait for me there. It was a girl from a different country who was in town for the weekend. I was sick to the stomach, that night I confronted him and he didn't bat an eyelid saying nothing happened he assured me, we just went to the exposition together as friends and I met her at the bar. Its true the text was sent the next day after the bar so that means they weren't together that night, the Sunday night?
I was furious and told him what a bastard he was. I left and didn't include him in my plans and moved in with a friend. He didn't know as he thought we were going to get a place together. When he found out he cracked up crying and not knowing what to do as his brother threw him out, when he got back from his holidays, they didn't get on. So he asked some of his friends to move in for a while but their place was too small or not convienent. One of his other friends finally accepted. His friend was dodgy doing drugs and stuff. So it wasn't long before he got back to me, I still loved him, and agreed to see him. It was like we had never been apart, but the trust was broken and we went for a meal and I brought it up again about meeting that girl , he swore nothing happened and said the more you go on about this the more your going to convince me and make me believe that something did actually happened. He said talking about this ruined his evening.
We saw each other now and again and I kind of forgot that other girl! After six months I decided I wanted to get my own place, he was happy about that and we wanted to give it another go. When I moved in I started to have second thoughts about him moving in. Around the same time he found out that he had a few weeks to go back to his country and the police were looking for him, that's when I got cold feet. Even though he was working, the prefecture didn't want to change his status, so his boss couldn't keep him. So everything backfired and I was scared of the outcome. So I said he could move in but not with all hiis stuff in case the police thought I was lodging him, as its illegal plus you can get a heavy fine. He said and all his friends said, if you loved him you'd take the risk. So he moved in for 2/3weeks without his stuff I was working 10hour shifts and in stress about him staying at home with nothing to do and in depression. I felt sorry for him because he did work hard to get hired for one yr and then because he didn't have the paper they couldn't keep him. I felt helpless I loved him and he was going through a hard time. When I got back from work he was depressed and didn't move an inch for the day. I was kind of angry but shouldn't have been, he didn't need that as well. He got angry too and broke a few things. So after a week of that he decided to leave me and went to his friends again. I was devastated as I found myself alone, heartbroken, and in direstaights as my job was coming to an end too. His friend had a girlfriend and she didn't want him to be there, So he tried to call me all day while I was at work. When I answered he said can I collect my stuff and that his friend threw him out. I said I'm babysiting tonight sorry (I wasn't) he begged me but I said no. Its not when others don't want you, you come back to me. So I think he spent the night on the street. I felt guilty but was so sick of the story.
Anyway after that he went to his brothers again I think his mom told his brother to take him in, his family thought that I was mean not letting him move in with his stuff etc... I moved to different place as I needed more space and try to forget what happened. At the end of my job I was alone and unemployed, and feeling guilt, I should have let him move in with his stuff its very unlikely the police would have found him, but he couldn't have gone on like that for long with nothing to do but maybe he would have included me to go with him. He said, I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most, and how could I be his wife for someone I can't count on. After reflexion I realised I was harsh, and not very nice, but now I had lost him and regreted it, and wanted him back.
I tried to have fun with my friends and forget and had party at friends the next day some photos were on Facebook and I looked like I was having a ball and lots of fun.. we're not friends on Facebook as he said Facebook is his personel stuff, but he could check out my photos on my page. He was very angry and sent me an email saying I see you're having fun, bla bla!
Anyway the partys soon wore off and I really missed him he was at his bros trying to think of ways to stay he had a lawyer too but couldn't afford one. He was on line on all sites I found he put up adds saying who wants to save my life.. beautiful girls.. es,. all night long.. he put up relaxing afternoon with me with his phone number up.. How could he? It was sick looking for complete strangers on line to save his butt.
If he had have been honest and true to his feelings from the beginning he could have married me instead he messed things up, for the selfish streek in him.

Will finish this story later on thanks for all your support!

It's been a year since you broke up and six months since you spoke to him. You really need to stop dwelling on this. Your head is spinning and you aren't making progress. I think he sounds manipulative. He knows how to charm you, and he knows how to push your buttons and make you feel guilty. You have every right to have fun. You have the right to protect yourself and your heart from someone you don't trust. You have the right to choose to obey the law. He's made some bad choices. Being in love doesn't mean you have to make bad choices to cover for him. You are giving him too much power. Stop concerning yourself with what he, his friends, or his family say and think.

You have a lot of emotional baggage, both with him and with the situation with your father. It's important to be fundamentally happy and well-adjusted to have a successful long-term relationship. Love alone is not always enough.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Could she possibly help you with this? Is it time to consider moving home? 28 is still young. You have lots of time to get married and have children, and lots of time to think about what type of work you want to do. The most important thing right now is to heal yourself emotionally.

It's been a year since you broke up and six months since you spoke to him. You really need to stop dwelling on this. Your head is spinning and you aren't making any progress. I think he sounds manipulative. He knows how to charm you, and he knows how to push your buttons and make you feel guilty. You have every right to have fun. You have the right to protect yourself and your heart from someone you don't trust. You have the right to choose to obey the law. He's made some bad choices. Being in love doesn't mean you have to make bad choices to cover for him. You are giving him too much power. Stop concerning yourself with what he, his friends, or his family say and think.

You have a lot of emotional baggage, both with him and with the situation with your father. It's important to be fundamentally happy and well-adjusted to have a successful long-term relationship. Love alone is not always enough.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Could she possibly help you with this? Is it time to consider moving home? 28 is still young. You have lots of time to get married and have children, and lots of time to think about what type of work you want to do. The most important thing right now is to heal yourself emotionally.

Yes I know you are right, I have to move forward, but some things are not right and I don't know how to get started! I'm half stuck in the past and half in the future but not doing anything about it. I don't feel like I'm from my orignal country or this country. When I was with my ex he was my only family here and I guess I put up with some things as love is blind. Yes he is and was manipulative, but I never took any from him, and he didn't like that! I guess because in his country women are not treated the same, and accept crap.
I'm actually 31 not 28 I was 28 when going out with him, so that makes a difference. I need to make some changes and find out where I want to be I think I will stay in this country for one more year and then maybe go elsewhere. I just feel annoyed and angry by what I've done and become.
My mom who lives in another part of the country, where there are no jobs, can't do anything for me, as I believe you can only help yourself, and she finds it hard to make decisions for herself. Going back to my country, there is only my father there in a small village, which is not my scene. I could maybe go to different town, I just don't know all my friends are married with kids. If I stay here I might end up marrying a guy from this country and I don't feel me when I'm not speaking english and they have different ways, which are not as cool:cool: as english speaking people. Or I might go to a different country completely. It would have been easier if my ex had of been sincere and then we could have settled here. I guess I have to get my act together I just feel bruised by my past, and blocked any angry with my ex. I have been going less on his Facebook and didn't go on msn since I found this sight.:)
I had some good oportunities in jobs but let it go by my state of mind...
I have done different jobs and I don't know which I'm suited best to and there isin't much help with the careers centre. With my ex, we would always talk about everything and find solutions to everything.
Hopefully things will get better soon and eventually get over him!!

Looking forward to your opinions! Thank you!:)

Yes I know you are right, I have to move foward, but some things are not right and i don't know how to get started! I'm half stuck in the past and half in the future but not doing anything about it. I don't feel like i'm from my orignal country or this country. When I was with my ex he was my only family here and i guess i put up with some things as love is blind. Yes he is and was manipulative, but i never took any from him, and he didn't like that! I guess because in his country women are not treated the same, and accept crap.
I'm actually 31 not 28 i was 28 when going out with him, so that makes a difference. I need to make some changes and find out where i want to be i think i will stay in this country for one more year and then maybe go elsewhere. I just feel annoyed and angry by what i've done and become.
My mom who lives in another part of the country, where there are no jobs, can't do anything for me, as i believe you can only help yourself, and she finds it hard to make decisions for herself. Going back to my country, there is only my father there in a small village, which is not my scene. I could maybe go to different town, i just don't know all my friends are married with kids. If i stay here i might end up marrying a guy from this country and i don't feel me when im not speaking english and they have different ways, which are not as cool:cool: as english speaking people. Or i might go to a different country completly. It would have been easier if my ex had of been sincere and then we could have settled here. I guess i have to get my act together i just feel bruised by my past, and blocked any angry with my ex. I have been going less on his facebook and didn't go on msn since i found this sight.:)
I had some good oportunities in jobs but let it go by my state of mind...
I have done different jobs and i don't know which i'm suited best to and there isin't much help with the careers centre. With my ex, we would always talk about everything and find solutions to everything.
Hopefully things will get better soon and eventually get over him!!!

Looking foward to your opinions! Thank you!:)



Hey you seem to be feeling better. Good. I haven't done a lot since I found this site either.. like dishes. Laundry, cooking.:D Good Luck

I read your response with some relief. I'm glad you are starting to focus on yourself rather than the ex. I'm glad that you have a plan in mind. Don't be angry at yourself - that's a waste of energy.

It's a little hard for me to relate as I've only lived in America, and only in fairly large cities with lots of job opportunities. If you go to the home page of this site, you will see a Business and Careers section. There are experts there that might be able to help you figure out a career path, or point you in a good direction.

Good job on avoiding Facebook. That will help a lot.

31 is still young. :)

I read your response with some relief. I'm glad you are starting to focus on yourself rather than the ex. I'm glad that you have a plan in mind. Don't be angry at yourself - that's a waste of energy.

It's a little hard for me to relate as I've only lived in America, and only in fairly large cities with lots of job opportunities. If you go to the home page of this site, you will see a Business and Careers section. There are experts there that might be able to help you figure out a career path, or point you in a good direction.

Good job on avoiding Facebook. That will help lot.

31 is still young. :)

Thanks again! Yeah I'm trying to focus on myself but every now and then he comes back to me. He had power over me without me knowing it he was very crafty in that domain, not just with me, with his friends and colleagues too. He had that special way with people but none of it was real, always for his own interest what he can get out of being sweet and nice. Everyone fell for it, plus with his good looks an and nice smile he was irresitable.
I'm actually in europe, and have different trainings in tourism, sales, working with children.. I had a look on the home page and saw that its not the same system as in europe.. but thank you for your help.
I met a guy last yr after the break up with my ex, I asked him If he was looking for a relationship and he said no just having fun. So we had our fun, but it was no where near as passionate as my ex. and I cried after because I just wanted to be in ex 's arms not his. Anyway I said goodbye and that was it but bumped in to him at a bar while with friends a month later. He seemed to be happy to see me and wanted to spend more time with me. I wasn't interested at all still grieving for my ex. He wanted to meet me after that and my gut said no and I couldn't be bothered. He doesn't speak english so sometimes its boring conversation. Anyway after one year I was thinking about him and decided to text him to see how he was doing, etc.. as I was feeling lonely too, and remembered that he was kind he also was going through a break up with his ex girlfriend of 10yrs with her last yr. It was tough for him too to break the ice, but he got over her I think he said he was completely over her. Anyway he replied and was happy to hear from me, I asked him to go for a drink soon and he accepted with joy. Am I doing the right thing seeing this guy again?Will I ever find the same passion as what I had with my ex?for me it's a big deal! So far no...

Thanks for your opinions!!

Hey you seem to be feeling better. Good. I haven't done a lot since I found this site either..like dishes. laundry, cooking.:D Good Luck

Haa! I'm doing OK but not completely, its tough some days.. Me too I left the dishes and laundry since on here, but I got around to doing it tonight. I'm glad I've done it my brother is visiting tomorrow for one evening! So had to clean up really!lol!

Keep in touch! Good night!

Haa! I'm doing ok but not completly, its tough some days.. Me too i left the dishes and laundry since on here, but i got around to doing it tonight. I'm glad i've done it my brother is visiting tomorrow for one evening! so had to clean up really!lol!

Keep in touch! good night!




Goodnight... Keep posting.:)

It sounds like you are seeing him for what he is now, which is so healthy. It will make it easier for you to let him go completely.

I am asking some questions to see if you can get to the careers forum. I will let you know if I find out anything. I think it could be really informative for you to talk to someone, especially in your area, about your concerns and options.

There are lots of passionate men out there. They may not be just like your ex, but they will have other qualities to admire. My fiancé may not be as over-the-top romantic as my obsession was (writing poetry, etc.), but I have never felt more loved. He is so compassionate, respectful, interesting... I could go on :D... I think what you should do is figure out what is really important in a man. You might date a lot of different men, even those who you wouldn't normally expect to date. If you are serious about a relationship, once you determine they aren't serious, it's time to keep looking. Also, you don't have to limit yourself to one at a time, until you are in a committed relationship. Take time to get to know them before making that decision. As for the current guy, take your time. He wasn't ready for a relationship a year ago, after breaking up with his girlfriend. He may be now - or may not be. Don't get your hopes up. Just go with the flow. Be sure you are over your ex and feel good about it before you get serious with anyone. Focus on your own well-being. You don't want to get hurt further and you don't want to hurt someone else.

It sounds like you are seeing him for what he is now, which is so healthy. It will make it easier for you to let him go completely.

I am asking some questions to see if you can get to the careers forum. I will let you know if I find out anything. I think it could be really informative for you to talk to someone, especially in your area, about your concerns and options.

There are lots of passionate men out there. They may not be just like your ex, but they will have other qualities to admire. My fiance may not be as over-the-top romantic as my obsession was (writing poetry, etc.), but I have never felt more loved. He is so compassionate, respectful, interesting ... I could go on :D ... I think what you should do is figure out what is really important in a man. You might date a lot of different men, even those who you wouldn't normally expect to date. If you are serious about a relationship, once you determine they aren't serious, it's time to keep looking. Also, you don't have to limit yourself to one at a time, until you are in a committed relationship. Take time to get to know them before making that decision. As for the current guy, take your time. He wasn't ready for a relationship a year ago, after breaking up with his girlfriend. He may be now - or may not be. Don't get your hopes up. Just go with the flow. Be sure you are over your ex and feel good about it before you get serious with anyone. Focus on your own well-being. You don't want to get hurt further and you don't want to hurt someone else.

Hi,
Thanks for your advice, I kind of know how my ex really is, but I think he was desperate at times, and wanted to protect himself, that was his way of getting what he needed to move forward. People said to me, no matter how bad the situation was he shouldn't have been mean to me or blame me, sometimes he was.
Even now the bad times cancel out and go back to the obsession. It's the thought of him with someone else that kills me the most. How do you stop torchering yourself with these thoughts? Will he be the same way to other girls as he was to me? Sometimes this story gets the better of me and I lapse in to nostolgy, thoughts of us together and missing him. Even when I went on a few dates over the past year, its as if I don't want to be with anyone else! And the guys sense it, I can't control my feelings for him, and have tears in my eyes on a date. How long will it take to get rid of this sadness? At the same time I can't go on forever alone because of these feelings. For the guy I texted I will see what happens on our date! He has an interesting job and a nice person, but I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him he's not too bad looking or if I'm ready. I think he might be interested and ready for something serious, but if not I won't be hurt because I'm not madly in love with him.
The kind of man! Well its kind of a mixture of, pyhsical attraction, nice eyes, tall, takes care of his body, reliable, good job, sense of humour, kind, loyal, good dancer, good fun, likes adventure good vibes, on the same wave length, generous, trust worthy, honest, and last but not least good in bed. LOL! My ex was all of these things except he wasn't reliable, or loyal, all of the time, sometimes not trustworthy. Nobody is perfect! From my experience, In general guys either have all these qualitys and are not too good in bed or vice versa... lol! Its not fair!:rolleyes: You have to choose what you want I guess! I have friends, where there guy his kind and loving, trustworthy.. but in the bedroom nothing spectacular.


Tomorrow I have an interview for a receptionist job in some company, will see how it goes, fingers crossed! Thanks for checking for me on the forum.
Looking forward to everyone's reponses..
HAVE A NICE DAY!!
Bye for now!

Stop looking for love to replace the hole in your soul. This is probably the biggest mistake we make after a terrible heart breaking break up. That only adds to the misery, and pain, and no healing can start until you reject the idea of someone to have to relieve the loneliness.

Instead focus on rebuilding a life that you enjoy, filled with people and activities that make you happy. You don't look for love, you let it find you, and until it does, you pursue your own happiness, with good adult fun.

In this way you won't look at every guy as a potential partner as you heal, and can enjoy life for what it is, a fantastic journey with many options, and opportunities to explore.

Its only through a proper healing will you learn to be happy with yourself, and depend on yourself to be happy, and not put the burden on some guy to rescue you from your loneliness, misery, and pain of the past.

This is how you let go of past baggage, (unpacking the misery) and look forward to the future, free of the things that have made you miserable.

Only then will you be ready to embrace, and enjoy what life brings you next. I know its hard to believe, but that's how it works, you make new memories to replace the old, and look forward, and not back.

Its not about looking for a new love, or relationship, but getting a life that you enjoy.

Seemed nobody has yet given in to euro salary and bright cove. I am asking the same thing because I was offered a job in Ireland as store manager. I don't have an idea at first as how they get my information..

Thanks for your advice! Its been over a year I'm still not over him. When will the day come that I will wake up and not think about him? I still miss him and would love to see him again! Maybe I might send him an email to get some things off my chest! When he went back to his country he sent me a faw e-mails but I never replied I was in shock. So 4months went by during this time, I was seeing someone on the rebound. But actually started to not think about him and didn't look at his Facebook or go on line msn. This guy on the rebound made me feel speciale took me to expensive restaurants and romantic weekends away. So I was beginning to think wow! Maybe there are decent guys out there! He was very respectful and generous. Until we were supposed to see each other for the weekend and his phone was turned off for 6days. I was worried sick and emailed him and sent a couple of texts. He finally had his phone back on and answered. I asked him what happened he said he was in trouble with the law an dhe was in prison all week. I found that hard to believe but gave him the benefit of the doubt. I saw him the next day and asked him some questions and he said don't you believe me I said chill out he was driving and looking very angry on the way to his place. When we got to his I didn't mention it any more we watched a dvd and fell asleep. The next day we made love but for him it obviously wasn't! Then he showed my his gun saying its for protection for his house as he was rich etc! That freaked me out but he was chilled about it. After he said had some appointements that day so said he was going back in to town and at the same time drop me off at my place and after he could pick me up, go to the cinema and have dinner and go back to his place for the rest of the weekend. I said fine, but I was kind of upset! Then in the car we laughed and joked and kissed at each traffic lights until we arrived at my place he kissed me and said see you later I'll call you when I'm finished. I said sure, bye! Guess what he didn't call me I tried to call at 1am in the morning and he didn't answer so I tried the next day his phone was turned off, so I left a voice message saying I hope you sorted out you business and just letting you know, I'm not available this weekend see you in the week some time. He knew how important it was for me to let the person know or leave a message if you have other plans. So after that I never ever heard from again. He was such a coward for someone like him he has his own business and reputated man but yet he didn't have the guts to tell me. Anyway, I didn't call him auray!! I'm learning but after 1month of nothing I sent him a text saying "its a shame things turned out this way, I felt we had a beautiful thing! was it real? looking foward to your response! It wasn't a surprise that he didn't reply! Close friends were also surprised as they thought he was the perfect gentleman and really good catch fo me especially after my ex! But i guess not well i went in to depression for a few weeks. But not as bad as it was for my ex, speaking of my ex (i bet you are all sick of him)lol! After the rebound guy split my ex sent me an email funny how the timing was saying, "I really thought you would have asked me how I'm doing, I thought you were better than that! Anyway I guess I made the right choice! Ciao!
I didn't reply and a week went by and I was on msn and he was too he said "i see you're happy (he saw profile photo of me on facebook drinking a cocktail with a big smile) I wish you a very good life!" I said I wish you a very good life too and went off line I was so strong then and hurt by the rebound guy! After that about a week later I went back to obsessing for my ex again! Facebook etc.. Now we're in July and still not right! If you guys can give me your opinions and thoughts and wise information, thank you!
I think also my career path has been zig zag all my life. I always changed jobs after 1year to the most, It can have a positive side to it, I have a lot of experience in many areas but now I feel unstable and don't know what country I want to settle down in so how can I start a new career change if I leave anyway to a different country?

Have a great weekend everyone!
Seville

Thanks for your advice! its been over a year i'm still not over him. When will the day come that i will wake up and not think about him? I still miss him and would love to see him again! maybe i might send him an email to get some things off my chest! When he went back to his country he sent me a faw e-mails but i never replied i was in shock. So 4months went by during this time, i was seeing someone on the rebound. But actually started to not think about him and didn't look at his facebook or go on line msn. This guy on the rebound made me feel speciale took me to expensive restaurants and romantic weekends away. So i was begining to think wow! maybe there are decent guys out there! He was very respectful and generous. Until we were supposed to see eachother for the weekend and his phone was turned off for 6days. I was worried sick and emailed him and sent a couple of texts. He finally had his phone back on and answered. i asked him what happened he said he was in trouble with the law an dhe was in prison all week. I found that hard to believe but gave him the benefit of the doubt. I saw him the next day and asked him some questions and he said don't you believe me i said chill out he was driving and looking very angry on the way to his place. When we got to his i didn't mention it any more we watched a dvd and fell asleep. The next day we made love but for him it obviously wasn't! Then he showed my his gun saying its for protection for his house as he was rich etc! That freaked me out but he was chilled about it. After he said had some appointements that day so said he was going back in to town and at the same time drop me off at my place and after he could pick me up, go to the cinema and have dinner and go back to his place for the rest of the weekend. I said fine, but i was kind of upset! Then in the car we laughed and joked and kissed at each traffic lights untill we arrived at my place he kissed me and said see you later i'll call you when i'm finished. I said sure, bye! Guess what he didn't call me i tried to call at 1am in the morning and he didn't answer so i tried the next day his phone was turned off, so i left a voice message saying i hope you sorted out you business and just letting you know, i'm not available this weekend see you in the week some time. He knew how important it was fo me to let the person know or leave a message if you have other plans. So after that I never ever heard from again. He was such a coward for someone like him he has his own business and reputated man but yet he didn't have the guts to tell me. Anyway, I didn't call him auray!!! i'm learning but after 1month of nothing i sent him a text saying "its a shame things turned out this way, I felt we had a beautiful thing! was it real? looking foward to your response! It wasn't a surprise that he didn't reply! Close friends were also surprised as they thought he was the perfect gentleman and really good catch fo me especially after my ex! But i guess not well i went in to depression for a few weeks. But not as bad as it was for my ex, speaking of my ex (i bet you are all sick of him)lol! After the rebound guy split my ex sent me an email funny how the timing was saying, "I really thought you would have asked me how i'm doing, i thought you were better than that! anyways i guess i made the right choice! ciao!
I didn't reply and a week went by and i was on msn and he was too he said "i see you're happy (he saw profile photo of me on facebook drinking a cocktail with a big smile) I wish you a very good life!" I said i wish you a very good life too and went off line i was so strong then and hurt by the rebound guy! After that about a week later i went back to obsessing for my ex again! facebook etc.. now we're in july and still not right!? If you guys can give me your opinions and thoughts and wise information, thankyou!
I think also my career path has been zig zag all my life. I always changed jobs after 1year to the most, It can have a positive side to it, i have alot of experience in many areas but now i feel unstable and don't know what country i want to settle down in so how can i start a new career change if i leave anyway to a different country?

Have a great weekend everyone!
Seville

The rebound guy sounds like a nut. Sorry, but you can do better. If he calls tell him to BUZZ OFF. Remember this Ted Bundy was charmimg and good looking.:eek:

Seville,

May I suggest you go back and read Talaniman’s last post? Read it slowly and really try to understand and digest what he is saying. In fact, read the entire thread over a few times. Each time you may pick up something new - but pay attention to how you respond. Your responses keep coming back to the men in your life.

Until you work on yourself, you are going to pursue the wrong men for the wrong reasons. I feel as though you just want to tell us your story (which has some value as far as unburdening), but are you really listening to the responses? It’s time to stop thinking about men and your past, and start figuring out what to do with your present and your future. Your number one priority should be to heal yourself, starting with the damage done by your father’s actions and your parents’ divorce. You need to start valuing yourself as a person, not base your value on the men you attract. This is about you – not the men in your past.

Iraq.. might be nice (kidding) India... would be great. I've always wanted to go there!

Stop looking for love to replace the hole in your soul. This is probably the biggest mistake we make after a terrible heart breaking break up. That only adds to the misery, and pain, and no healing can start until you reject the idea of someone to have to relieve the loneliness.

Instead focus on rebuilding a life that you enjoy, filled with people and activities that make you happy. You don't look for love, you let it find you, and until it does, you pursue your own happiness, with good adult fun.

In this way you won't look at every guy as a potential partner as you heal, and can enjoy life for what it is, a fantastic journey with many options, and opportunities to explore.

Its only thru a proper healing will you learn to be happy with yourself, and depend on yourself to be happy, and not put the burden on some guy to rescue you from your loneliness, misery, and pain of the past.

This is how you let go of past baggage, (unpacking the misery) and look forward to the future, free of the things that have made you miserable.

Only then will you be ready to embrace, and enjoy what life brings you next. I know its hard to believe, but thats how it works, you make new memories to replace the old, and look forward, and not back.

Its not about looking for a new love, or relationship, but getting a life that you enjoy.

Thank you for your kind words of advice! I know its true about the hole I have in my soul which could have healed if I hadn't spent 3yrs and more with my ex who destroyed myself confidence, but I guess I let that happen instead of calling it quits. I did love him and still do. I only have myself to blame thinking it could have worked I think I tend to feed myself with hurt and pain and that's what keeps me going. Today when I see how it is and was, its like a tonne of bricks falling on me and instead of trying to forget him, I latch on to it because once I let go I'll be faced with complete emptyness. My brother was in town yesterday and came to see me. Unfortunately he feels empty too! We kind of spoke about our past he said he doesn't know who he is or what nationality he is! I'm starting to understand what has happened over the years. Due to not making something good of myself and staying with men that didn't correspond to my needs. An absent father and a mother that left to marry her toyboy, in the middle of my schooling!! I ended up staying somewhere where there was no hope in jobs, now I'm so frustrated because I had so much potential but didn't do the necessary! I didn't feel supported! You are right leave the baggage behind but how do you start! I'm not getting any younger! I do activities and have some friends so what else is there to do? If I wait for a guy to come to me I'll wait for ever sometimes you have to make it happen, or make the first move, as some guys are shy! I'm not looking for a potential partner just a boyfriend to start with. Right now I don't really want anyone as I'm not completley over my ex!!

Thanks for your responses!

Thankyou for your kind words of advice! I know its true about the hole i have in my soul which could have healed if i hadn't spent 3yrs and more with my ex who destroyed my self confidence, but i guess i let that happen instead of calling it quits. I did love him and still do. I only have myself to blame thinking it could have worked I think i tend to feed myself with hurt and pain and thats what keeps me going. Today when i see how it is and was, its like a tonne of bricks falling on me and instead of trying to forget him, i latch on to it because once i let go i'll be faced with complete emptyness. My brother was in town yesterday and came to see me. Unfortunately he feels empty too! we kind of spoke about our past he said he doesn't know who he is or what nationality he is! I'm starting to understand what has happened over the years. Due to not making something good of myself and and staying with men that didn't correspond to my needs. An absent father and a mother that left to marry her toyboy, in the middle of my schooling!!! I ended up staying somewhere where there was no hope in jobs, now i'm so frustrated because i had so much potential but didn't do the necessary! I didn't feel supported! You are right leave the baggage behind but how do you start!? I'm not getting any younger! I do activites and have some friends so what else is there to do? If i wait for a guy to come to me I'll wait for ever sometimes you have to make it happen, or make the first move, as some guys are shy! I'm not looking for a potential partner just a boyfriend to start with. Right now i don't really want anyone as i'm not completley over my ex!!!

Thanks for your responses!




I'm sorry but the qualities you're seeking in a man are just fantasies.
No man has all those qualities you are looking for (except my husband and you can't have him) Start looking for men who are in the same league as you and settle for one.

Seville,

I hope Tal will come back and address your response. In the meantime, I'd like you to think about this. It's important that you heal yourself from the trauma you faced with your parents, and the best way to do that is through counseling. I know you can't afford it now, but you mentioned you might be able to start again in September. Try and make that a priority.

To give you a few things to think about, it will be important for you to work on what's inside of you. To have a healthy long-term relationship, you have to be fundamentally happy and healthy. Men may be attracted to a pretty face and a nice figure, but that does not hold their attention long-term. They are looking for a woman they find equally as attractive inside as out.

I can tell you that a way to deal with your emptiness and frustration is to take positive steps. That could be as simple as taking a walk everyday and reflecting on life. If I were you, I'd try to paint a picture in your mind of what you'd like to see your life become. The point is defining what you want. I'd suggest that #1 on your list is to forgive yourself. Accept that you made mistakes and you are now ready to do the work needed to change your life, assuming of course that's the case. When you know what you want, you will have a better idea of how to get there.

Good Luck and let us know how you are doing. Hang in there and we all hope you do great!

This may sound cold but you have become comfortable in your misery. It's like an old pair of shoes that needs to be discarded, they are raggedy, they do not match anything you have, you don't even like them anymore but they're comfortable, they're molded to your feet.

You say you still love this old boyfriend after a year and it keeps you from moving on. You are in love with the idea of him and as long as you love that idea, you don't have to move on, you want to, but the idea is still comforting. (that old pair of shoes)
Throw them away. They are no longer who you are. Go for walks, read books, get a different set of friends or make new ones. Ask yourself what to like to do, make a list of things that make you happy and start doing them. I think you will discover that you are a different person than you think you are you just have not allowed yourself to take your feet out of those old shoes.
The truth is, you will change when you really want to. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will clean out your closet and start replacing your old things (thoughts, habits, insecurities, desires... )with new ones.
I wish you well.

This may sound cold but you have become comfortable in your misery. It's like an old pair of shoes that needs to be discarded, they are raggedy, they do not match anything you have, you don't even like them anymore but they're comfortable, they're molded to your feet.

You say you still love this old boyfriend after a year and it keeps you from moving on. You are in love with the idea of him and as long as you love that idea, you don't have to move on, you want to, but the idea is still comforting. (that old pair of shoes)
Throw them away. They are no longer who you are. Go for walks, read books, get a different set of friends or make new ones. Ask yourself what to like to do, make a list of things that make you happy and start doing them. I think you will discover that you are a different person than you think you are you just have not allowed yourself to take your feet out of those old shoes.
The truth is, you will change when you really want to. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will clean out your closet and start replacing your old things (thoughts, habits, insecurities, desires...)with new ones.
I wish you well.

Hello Home girl!

Nice way of describing the way things have turned out. Yes those shoes are very mouldy, but they're getting polished at the moment before I throw them out.:)
It has been a year but 6months since he had to go back to his country! Sometimes it takes people longer to get over someone they loved dearly. Its not a habit its genuine feelings. You might think its crazy to be still in to him, but that's who I am. I said in my last posts, I move on the best I can, but thoughts of him come back every now and again! I will try to do more things to help me move forward like joining the red cross and making new friends.
I feel now my state of mind is completely different to who I was before and wished I could have been the same way as I am now, when I was with him. I'm disappointed, I see things differently now, and should have been more chilled out and not so dramatic at times it didn't help, damn it! I guess it was due to my eduaction and up bringing of the past that made me in to a not so cool:cool: girl!!
Tonight I was watching TV and a full documentry came on all about his country. I watched it and cried half way through it. Just by seeing the people and their way of life, it just reminded me of him and what could have been...
Its been 1 week tomorrow that I haven't been on msn but felt weak to go on today but didn't. I bought a book today that I'm going to get started on. The weekend is always the hardest alone, friends are usually with their boyfriends and girlfriends, staying in or too tired.

Well by for now!
Thanks for your responses!

Well instead of polishing the shoes, throw them out. What you did in the past is in the past. How you behaved in the past is in the past, you can't do anything about then, but you can walk in a new day today.
Whatever mistakes you made with him in the past, determine to change that for the future.
The way you were treated in the past is past, you can't change it, but you can walk in a new way today if you choose to.

I wish you well.

Seville,

May I suggest you go back and read Talaniman’s last post? Read it slowly and really try to understand and digest what he is saying. In fact, read the entire thread over a few times. Each time you may pick up something new - but pay attention to how you respond. Your responses keep coming back to the men in your life.

Until you work on yourself, you are going to pursue the wrong men for the wrong reasons. I feel as though you just want to tell us your story (which has some value as far as unburdening), but are you really listening to the responses? It’s time to stop thinking about men and your past, and start figuring out what to do with your present and your future. Your number one priority should be to heal yourself, starting with the damage done by your father’s actions and your parents’ divorce. You need to start valuing yourself as a person, not base your value on the men you attract. This is about you – not the men in your past.

Hello Justlooking! Hope you had a very good weekend!

I reread Talaimans post and it is sinking in I do realise that its about men because I was looking for love in a man that I lacked from my parents and their weird choices. Maybe it was too much for the them ! These last few years, Instead of making and concentrating on a good career and progressing, I just stayed at the bottom because I didn't feel good about myself! With my ex it took so much energy out of me because you would be wondering what's going on when he wasn't there, because of his track record and helping him with his problems. Why did he put all that on me if he knew he wasn't going to stay with me or whatever, but how come I still miss him? I could go on about this forever! I'm sure you are all bored of reading more or less the same posts.. sorry!:o I think I need your advice to be drilled in to me so that I will eventually get over him!
I'm trying to figure out what career path to take.. I have a few ideas. Its just feeling lonely as all my friends have all gone away on holiday and I have some financial difficulties to sort out! Its not vey rosey for a girl of my age! Today is very dull outside so I have a little blues! It will pass!
One day I will write on here and everything will be hunky dorey!!

Lookingfoward to your replies!!

Well instead of polishing the shoes, throw them out. What you did in the past is in the past. How you behaved in the past is in the past, you can't do anything about then, but you can walk in a new day today.
Whatever mistakes you made with him in the past, determine to change that for the future.
The way you were treated in the past is past, you can't change it, but you can walk in a new way today if you choose to.

I wish you well.

Hello Homegirl! Thanks for your post!

I'm trying my hardest to throw them it, I need a bit more time!
I know the past is the past, but why didn't I see it coming? That's part of life!! I wish I didn't make mistakes with my ex every time I break up with past exs too! I always say I will not make mistakes with the next boyfriend but I do I end up making them again! Maybe I get too comfortable with the guy instead of keeping some distance?

Well have a nice day!

Seville what sort of things interest you? Where do you want to be in a year... five years... ten years? What things do you want to change about yourself... what personal goals do you have?

Hi Seville,

I'm glad to hear that you are thinking about all of this and feel an understanding coming. I think there are really two separate issues here and you need to treat them separately or you are just going to get overwhelmed and not deal with either issue.

One of those issues is figuring out what to do to have a better future. I touched on it earlier by suggesting that you paint a picture of what you want your life to be like. KC stated it quite well in his post - where do you want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc? What are your goals? Forget about the men for now, and just address those questions. Once you have goals, you can then figure out how to make them happen. You can start simply and expand them as you start making achievements, but you need someplace to start.

The second issue is of course about the men and your need for love. It seems your focus has been on this issue, and you've let the other one be ignored. If you can focus instead on what you want in life and making yourself a stronger, better person, I think there's a good chance you will find that this issue becomes less important. You have to love yourself and become more confident, and that will make you more attractive at the same time. If you've spent time reading other threads, you will see a lot of advice that people not get into a new relationship until they work on themselves first. The whole reason is to build a more confident self that knows what she wants - which will also avoid the mistakes you have been making.

Hi Seville,

I'm glad to hear that you are thinking about all of this and feel an understanding coming. I think there are really two separate issues here and you need to treat them separately or you are just going to get overwhelmed and not deal with either issue.

One of those issues is figuring out what to do to have a better future. I touched on it earlier by suggesting that you paint a picture of what you want your life to be like. KC stated it quite well in his post - where do you want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc? What are your goals? Forget about the men for now, and just address those questions. Once you have goals, you can then figure out how to make them happen. You can start off simply and expand them as you start making achievements, but you need someplace to start.

The second issue is of course about the men and your need for love. It seems your focus has been on this issue, and you've let the other one be ignored. If you can focus instead on what you want in life and making yourself a stronger, better person, I think there's a good chance you will find that this issue becomes less important. You have to love yourself and become more confident, and that will make you more attractive at the same time. If you've spent time reading other threads, you will see a lot of advice that people not get into a new relationship until they work on themselves first. The whole reason is to build a more confident self that knows what she wants - which will also avoid the mistakes you have been making.

Hi!
Thanks for your advice, you made very good points and I am greatfull. I know I need to focus more on my likes and dislikes in every area of my life. I have hobbies that keep me busy and it is my passion but to make a career out of it is not possible! For my career I didn't and can't get an amazing well paid job because I don't have the highest diploma and its very hard for me with the language barrier to do high studdies in this country. Even for the people living here find it very hard too. The people that graduate here also can't find jobs adapted to their diplomas or not paid enough. Or they often say you're too qualified for the job which makes it impossible. So they end up leaving the country to find better jobs in a different more open minded country.
The quality of life is good here and I'm starting to get too comfortable here instead of making progress I'm not! I 've contacted a job where I used to work 2years ago on a short mission working in fashion, they said to send on my C.V. After the mission instead of staying on I left as I had another job opportunity but I took a gamble because now the other job couldn't keep me on with the resession. This job appeals to me more than before and maybe I will get the chance to move up, It would be great if could go back with them they said at the time my work was very good, so will see if they have jobs available as well!
Two days ago, I went on msn I know not good, but I have friends that wanted to talk on there so went on. After a few minutes my ex came on line, I didn' talk to him but I got the feeling he wanted me too! He went off line and back on line a few times so I would see his head pop up every time but I resisted thinking if he wants to say hi, he will because the last time he was at work and couldn't talk so I didn't want to bother him! I was on for 2hrs or more and then he went off line and changed his name (cos he has a nick name) and came back on line and then off again! So Weird!! What do you think of that? Huh! I didn't go back on since as I have thought about him again due to this! I was feeling sad and lonely today!

Well bye for now!

Seville what sort of things interest you? Where do you want to be in a year...five years...ten years? What things do you want to change about yourself...what personal goals do you have?

Hi, I have no idea where I want to be or where I will be even in 1 year! Help:eek: Every time I try to do something in my life it backfires... I will have more ideas in a few months maybe of what I will be doing for this year! That's why its very frustrating!! Things I should have and could have done in my early twenties, I don't think its possible or logical to do those things now!! So settling for anything doesn't suit me I want better and good things! But, I'm not getting any younger...

Thanks for advice!

Hi, I have no idea where i want to be or where i will be even in 1 year! Help:eek: Everytime i try to do something in my life it backfires... I will have more ideas in a few months maybe of what i will be doing for this year! Thats why its very frustrating!!! Things i should have and could have done in my early twenties, i don't think its possible or logical to do those things now!!! So settling for anything doesn't suit me I want better and good things! But, I'm not getting any younger...

Thanks for advice!

I think you're putting constraints and limitations on your own life. It is never too early to start a career. Millions of people get fed up with their lives, go back to school and start over again. It is a better option than hating and regretting your life for the next 50+ years. You owe it to yourself to at least contemplate rebuilding a new, more fulfilling life.

I'm in my late twenties and just recently started a career that I am satisfied with. I'm what you would call a late bloomer.

KC is right about the career idea and your age. My dad didn't complete college until he was 32, and then had a successful career for the next 26 years until he retired early. Another thing is you don't have to get an amazing or highly paid job to be happy or successful. There are a lot of ways to do things that will make you happy. If you like where you live and want to stay there, accept that the job situation is what it is. Get the best job you can and be the best at it that you can be.

Find other ways to be happy. You mention hobbies as being your passion. They don't have to pay for themselves or become a business. You can just enjoy them for what they are. I wonder though if they are a way to bring in a little extra money, or maybe bring happiness to others as well?

You also mentioned in an earlier post that you might want to volunteer for the Red Cross. Are you really interested in that? If so, look into it or get started.

As for the MSN – can't you delete him as a contact so you don't see him online? Why put yourself through that sadness?

After reading your story, this is what I feel. All things happen for a reason. If it's meant for you two to be together it will happen so don't stress yourself over it. God places people in ones life for many reasons. Just remember that the one person that is meant to be in your life will not come with conditions or problems so, I feel that if everything seems crazy at this time then maybe this is not the man for you. Move on and in time if he is the one for you it will happen.

After reading your story, this is what I feel. All things happen for a reason. If it's meant for you two to be together it will happen so don't stress yourself over it. God places people in ones life for many reasons. Just remember that the one person that is meant to be in your life will not come with conditions or problems so, I feel that if everything seems crazy at this time then maybe this is not the man for you. Move on and in time if he is the one for you it will happen.

Jazzyshoes,
Thank you for your post, I was feeling low again but by reading your post it lifted my spirits! :) It does make sense if he is the one for me eventually it will happen!!

Thanks again!

KC is right about the career idea and your age. My dad didn’t complete college until he was 32, and then had a successful career for the next 26 years until he retired early. Another thing is you don’t have to get an amazing or highly paid job to be happy or successful. There are a lot of ways to do things that will make you happy. If you like where you live and want to stay there, accept that the job situation is what it is. Get the best job you can and be the best at it that you can be.

Find other ways to be happy. You mention hobbies as being your passion. They don’t have to pay for themselves or become a business. You can just enjoy them for what they are. I wonder though if they are a way to bring in a little extra money, or maybe bring happiness to others as well?

You also mentioned in an earlier post that you might want to volunteer for the Red Cross. Are you really interested in that? If so, look into it or get started.

As for the MSN – can’t you delete him as a contact so you don’t see him online? Why put yourself thru that sadness?

Hello Justlooking,

I wish I could figure out what I want to do, today I feel completely helpless. When I wake up I just want to roll over and go back to sleep. I can't face reality.Things doesn't seem to be movng along. I've been out of work for some time now and the more and more lonely and the more I think about my ex and wish he was here and could come back! When ever I go in to town all the memories of us come flooding back, and I get nausia and end up going home.
I feel like I don't exist for me or anyone. I've tried to shake it off but its still raw as if it was yesterday. He was on msn again and I said hi but he didn't reply so I left it at that but that happened once before and then he chatted to me another time, he was probably busy at work. I can't cut him off msn its not possible for me. It hurts so much when you realise the things you did wrong and what I should have done maybe that wouldn't have changed anything but at least I would be at peace now! I live in a large city and many nationalities mixed together, everyone kind of keeps to themselves the people are not friendly. I've looked in to joining the redcross, hopefully I will be OK before I join because its helping people, but I need to be OK myself!

I had a goal in September but wonder if that is what I really want to do! It will only be a part time job as I need to pass a few more exams next year to go full time, as I couldn't do all of the subjets this year due to being sick. Maybe I could do 2part time jobs, but its not very stable. Or I might change careers completely and take a course its for 18months you work all week while learning on the job and one day a week at school and you are continuously asessed and get a diploma at the end without a big exam so wouldn't have to worry about passing! There are many jobs in that but the salary is low! I wish I knew what I want!:confused:

IF you have any advice, I would appreciate it!!
Seville

Something to look forward to would certainly help with the loneliness, and school or a career would help with being isolated. I think volunteering while you get some goals together is a great idea, and the Red Cross is a good organization. So is a hospital, church organization, or even a school.

The goal is to get out, and about and busy.

Seville I still don't know what I want and I'm spending a fortune trying to figure it out (student loans). The cool thing about life is that we can change things if we don't like them. No one said you had to be fixed in a career at a certain age. The worst mistake most people make is finding a job young and sticking to it because they are afraid to leave. I'd rather find something I love doing than be miserable working for the next 40 years of my life.

You are putting undo pressure on yourself. Relax and take a deep breath. You have a world of tools at your disposal. Use them. Have you ever heard the expression, "When I grow up I want to be..."? Some people are 50 years old and still say that. I admire that.

Hi Seville,

I feel like you are afraid to make a step for fear of making the wrong one. Instead, you aren't doing anything and becoming more depressed or fearful about your future. Have you been looking for work? Even if it isn't your ideal job, if you could start somewhere you will at least have something to occupy your time and thoughts and will meet some new people. You have no ties right now to a job or a relationship. You are free to explore anything, anywhere. I've wondered if you have ever thought about something that requires travel or in the travel industry. It seems that your ability to speak more than one language would be a big plus.

I understand you feel hopeless and it's making it hard to move forward. There are a couple of things you might think about doing.

1. Affirmations – find something positive to say to yourself everyday and when you are down. Some suggestions:

-I realize daily that I can do all things within the range of my own ability.
-I eliminate “cannot” from my vocabulary. I can and I will.
-I anticipate the good in life. I look for blessings even in seemingly difficult or unfortunate happenings.
-I think constantly of the abundance of good things in the world and the opportunities to be taken. My attitude of optimism attracts good fortune to me.
-I maintain a positive attitude towards people, particularly those I live with and those I work with.
-I never abandon faith, hope and the determination to rise above all conditions. I pursue my goals no matter what.

2. Diet and exercise Eat in a healthy way and exercise daily. Both will automatically make you feel better and give you more energy. You might be feeling too low at first, but if you can keep this up for 2 weeks you will be amazed at how much stronger and better you feel. It will just keep getting better and better. When I'm down, I go out for a walk – especially a nature walk. Even if I don't feel like it, I smile and greet people … and eventually I am smiling because I feel better.

3. “Act as if” – act as if everything is okay. It's something my counselor recommended 2 years ago when I was going through grief counseling when my parents died. It sounds simple, but it does work. The “act” becomes more real.

4. Explore I just try to do something new, go to the "unknown territory", and challenge myself with new things... That always refreshes my mind. Believe me! Whenever you feel this way, just take action! Go out of your home. Don't stay still, DO something. And not something habitual, something unpredictable and new, something challenging. It can be drawing something; meeting someone; or just walking and roaming the streets, or driving.

5. Deal with your anxiety. Find ways to deal with your anxiety. It makes your mind more relaxed and more creative. Have you ever tried meditation? Prayer might be a possibility, depending on your beliefs. Exercise is another way to deal with anxiety – maybe try yoga or Pilates.

6. Volunteering We've talked about volunteering and you mentioned you were interested. Don't feel like you have to be okay before you can help others. I used to do a lot of volunteering in high school, college, and afterwards until my parents' deaths. I left my job and moved home, at first to take care of my dad but he didn't survive. I didn't volunteer for over a year after that because I was busy with other things, including starting a new job. A year ago, I was brutally beaten (nearly killed) by an ex-boyfriend. I spent a week in the hospital and 2 months off work recuperating. I was hurt and angry, and wanted to do something that would make me feel better about myself and would help other young women avoid what had happened to me. While I was still in the hospital, I started developing a program to take to high schools and colleges with the purpose to reach out to girls/women who were at risk – to raise their self-esteem, help them see the risks, and to let them know they had alternatives. I obviously wasn't “okay” when I started this idea, but it was one of the things that helped me become okay. You can start slowly in your volunteering process and see how it goes. I wouldn't be surprised at all if it lifted your spirits and you increased your efforts.


I think if you can do some or all of the above, you will begin to feel stronger and like you have a purpose. If you can start feeling healthier and happier, you will be able to more clearly think about your life and the direction you should take. You just have to find the strength to start somewhere. I know it seems overwhelming, but just take a few steps now and keep building on that as you are able. I know you will feel better if you do.

Hi Seville,

I feel like you are afraid to make a step for fear of making the wrong one. Instead, you aren’t doing anything and becoming more depressed or fearful about your future. Have you been looking for work? Even if it isn’t your ideal job, if you could start somewhere you will at least have something to occupy your time and thoughts and will meet some new people. You have no ties right now to a job or a relationship. You are free to explore anything, anywhere. I've wondered if you have ever thought about something that requires travel or in the travel industry. It seems that your ability to speak more than one language would be a big plus.

I understand you feel hopeless and it’s making it hard to move forward. There are a couple of things you might think about doing.

1. Affirmations – find something positive to say to yourself everyday and when you are down. Some suggestions:

-I realize daily that I can do all things within the range of my own ability.
-I eliminate “cannot” from my vocabulary. I can and I will.
-I anticipate the good in life. I look for blessings even in seemingly difficult or unfortunate happenings.
-I think constantly of the abundance of good things in the world and the opportunities to be taken. My attitude of optimism attracts good fortune to me.
-I maintain a positive attitude towards people, particularly those I live with and those I work with.
-I never abandon faith, hope and the determination to rise above all conditions. I pursue my goals no matter what.

2. Diet and exercise Eat in a healthy way and exercise daily. Both will automatically make you feel better and give you more energy. You might be feeling too low at first, but if you can keep this up for 2 weeks you will be amazed at how much stronger and better you feel. It will just keep getting better and better. When I’m down, I go out for a walk – especially a nature walk. Even if I don’t feel like it, I smile and greet people … and eventually I am smiling because I feel better.

3. “Act as if” – act as if everything is okay. It’s something my counselor recommended 2 years ago when I was going thru grief counseling when my parents died. It sounds simple, but it does work. The “act” becomes more real.

4. Explore I just try to do something new, go to the "unknown territory", and challenge myself with new things... That always refreshes my mind. Believe me! Whenever you feel this way, just take action! Go out of your home. Don't stay still, DO something. And not something habitual, something unpredictable and new, something challenging. It can be drawing something; meeting someone; or just walking and roaming the streets, or driving.

5. Deal with your anxiety. Find ways to deal with your anxiety. It makes your mind more relaxed and more creative. Have you ever tried meditation? Prayer might be a possibility, depending on your beliefs. Exercise is another way to deal with anxiety – maybe try yoga or Pilates.

6. Volunteering We’ve talked about volunteering and you mentioned you were interested. Don’t feel like you have to be okay before you can help others. I used to do a lot of volunteering in high school, college, and afterwards until my parents’ deaths. I left my job and moved home, at first to take care of my dad but he didn’t survive. I didn’t volunteer for over a year after that because I was busy with other things, including starting a new job. A year ago, I was brutally beaten (nearly killed) by an ex-boyfriend. I spent a week in the hospital and 2 months off work recuperating. I was hurt and angry, and wanted to do something that would make me feel better about myself and would help other young women avoid what had happened to me. While I was still in the hospital, I started developing a program to take to high schools and colleges with the purpose to reach out to girls/women who were at risk – to raise their self-esteem, help them see the risks, and to let them know they had alternatives. I obviously wasn’t “okay” when I started this idea, but it was one of the things that helped me become okay. You can start slowly in your volunteering process and see how it goes. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if it lifted your spirits and you increased your efforts.


I think if you can do some or all of the above, you will begin to feel stronger and like you have a purpose. If you can start feeling healthier and happier, you will be able to more clearly think about your life and the direction you should take. You just have to find the strength to start somewhere. I know it seems overwhelming, but just take a few steps now and keep building on that as you are able. I know you will feel better if you do.

Hi Justlooking,

Thank you for your time and advice I have done some of the things you advised me and hope to do more this week!! :)
I would like to say I am very sorry for your loss and I send you my sincere condolence.
You have gone through a lot and ex boyfriend and you seem to be a very strong intelligent person who helps people very well and I admire you. :)
I can relate to you about your ex because one of my ex boyfriends was abusive, pyhsically and mentally. I am glad to have got out of that relationship, I wasted years before getting out because I was afraid of being alone. Now when I think back it seems riduclous, you just have to cut ties as soon as the first signs appears and not over look it! I felt trapped with my situation, so stayed. He took an overdoze when ever I tried to break up with him, once he almost died, he was controlling!
Anyway, I hope you're OK now and feeling better?
I'm going to try this week to get things sorted because its not doing me any good. I have to try to feel good and get rid of my depression and get up. I will try, it is overwhelming but I don't have a choice.
I feel kind of cold towards my parents and I'm not in contact as much anymore, I feel bad when I talk to them it reminds me of the past and the guilt etc... my counceller advised me to Is it a good idea? I feel by breaking contact I will discover who I really am! I know I've made so many mistakes and regret deeply for losing my ex by the way I was then!
I have been looking for a job but not as much as I should do! In the travel industry sounds good. I was working for vacation club where you travel and work in the club entertaining people etc.. I enjoyed that but the last time I worked for a couple of weeks and didn't perform as good as before and there wasn't much organisation in that particular club, and the fact that my ex had disappeared I wasn't my normal self.
Afterwards I told them that there was no communication or organisation and it turned against me which isin't fair. I wasn't the only one to say this. I asked them If could work for this summer and they didn't get back to me. I will still get back to them again because the other times I was a very good worker. That is job where you work for summer and winter months about 8months in the year. Do you know of other jobs in travel?

Well thanks again for your kind post:)
I will keep you posted! Xo

Thanks. It's still difficult dealing with the loss of my parents, but as you said I have no choice.

I am doing very well now. My ex was not abusive during our relationship, which made it all that more surprising. After we broke up, he also tried to overdose. By then, I was on this board and everyone told me to stay away from him, it was his problem and had nothing to do with me. He wouldn't leave me alone, and I finally had to file a restraining order. Eight weeks after we broke up is when he attacked me. He was an attorney and a brilliant man, but also felt entitled. He couldn't accept that I didn't want anything to do with him.

You probably know more about the travel industry than I do. I know very little, but I wondered about something like signing on to a cruise ship. Are there job placement agencies you can talk to in your area?

I think you have the right attitude - Start now to climb out of this depression you are in. Even little steps will help. Take a walk, notice the beauty around you, and smile. Eat healthy meals - I know that makes a huge difference to me. Those are all things you can easily do, and as you are feeling better keep adding more things. You've probably heard the phrase, "Keep your eye on the prize." Just keep imagining how good it will feel to get your life back - imagine being happy. I know some days will be harder than others, but just keep working at it and don't give up. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

There are many people on this site who had to struggle through bad times and are now doing very well. You aren't alone. :)

Thanks. It's still difficult dealing with the loss of my parents, but as you said I have no choice.

I am doing very well now. My ex was not abusive during our relationship, which made it all that more surprising. After we broke up, he also tried to overdose. By then, I was on this board and everyone told me to stay away from him, it was his problem and had nothing to do with me. He wouldn't leave me alone, and I finally had to file a restraining order. Eight weeks after we broke up is when he attacked me. He was an attorney and a brilliant man, but also felt entitled. He couldn't accept that I didn't want anything to do with him.

You probably know more about the travel industry than I do. I know very little, but I wondered about something like signing on to a cruise ship. Are there job placement agencies you can talk to in your area?

I think you have the right attitude - Start now to climb out of this depression you are in. Even little steps will help. Take a walk, notice the beauty around you, and smile. Eat healthy meals - I know that makes a huge difference to me. Those are all things you can easily do, and as you are feeling better keep adding in more things. You've probably heard the phrase, "Keep your eye on the prize." Just keep imagining how good it will feel to get your life back - imagine being happy. I know some days will be harder than others, but just keep working at it and don't give up. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

There are many people on this site who had to struggle thru bad times and are now doing very well. You aren't alone. :)

Hi Justlooking,

I'm glad you are feeling better! How did you meet your actual boyfriend? How could you trust another guy after what happened with the last guy? I find it very hard to trust guys, after my ordeal, but I am not feeling bothered anymore with the hurt I carry from my ex!
I texted the guy from last year the one who had split with his girlfriend of ten yrs! At the moment he is visiting his family, but will see me when he gets back in two weeks or so! I don't know if it's a good idea as the last time when I saw him last year I didn't have any feelings for him and only wanted to be with my ex. I guess I was on the rebound and before when he was with his ex of ten yrs, I used to think If I had a guy like that it would be pretty cool and fancied him. This was before going out with my ex. I knew him from where I used to live before through other friends! I prefer to contact guys I know because I'm afraid after what happened with the last one and that way there might not be any surprises! In a big city you can't tell if a guy is for real or not?
Anyway even though its been over a year over with my ex, I still don't feel ready for anything but at the same time I'm lonely!:rolleyes:
For my career, I'm starting to stick to my orignal idea, working with children. I've researched different jobs and read forums on these jobs. Even though the salary isin't great working with children, it is a staisfying job. I love to see a child smile and I seem to make children laugh!:D I would have to pass a few more exams to work fulltime! If I pass it will secure me for life! I need to find the motivation to study and revise and right now I have none:( It's the loneliness that's taking over me and causing me to freeze! I have an exam in September!
For the redcross its in September. I'm also looking in to joining a budhist group! In budhisume it teaches you not to get attached and hang on to people and let go easier of people we love, this could be good for me and the whole aspect of it is interesting to me!
I've also looked for jobs to work on cruise liners and I found a good jobsite and applied to different companies! They asked, when you are available, you work for 6months at a time which is great that way I can come back or continue on. I'm not sure If I should say I'm available now or in 6months time or next year? As I want to secure my goal as working with children to have something to come back to! But If I go now maybe I will see a different path and do something different the fact of getting out of this country to see new horizons!! But definitely want to try it as it would be good for me I really need a change of scenery and meet new people and travel, and use my language skills! I think, Its what I need!! For all of the jobs you need at least 2 languages! Thanks for a great idea Justlooking!:) When I was 21 It was my dream to work on a cruise liner but didn't do it as I failed my exam and didn't think I would get hired and then met my ex nut!lol!and forgot about it! Now I feel I have the maturity and enough bagage to work on a cruise liner! It would be such a change for me! I have experience in most job areas so should be OK!
Every time I wanted to do something different I always held back because of a guy I was with but its not worth it in the end they take off and you've done nothing and left frustated! If the guy truly loves you they will wait for you to get back or encourage you to fallow through to your bliss. Then when you're doing what you wanted to do, you probably meet someone better or someone who coresponds more to you because you have something in common. Its better to realise that now than never!!

Thanks for your advice!
Seville:)

Hi Seville,

We were neighbors, and we are both runners. I saw him almost every day while I was on my run and we would greet each other. This had been going on for around a year, but eventually that was how we started seeing each other. I started dating him 5 weeks after my breakup, 3 weeks before the attack. We had so much in common and he was such a gentleman. After the attack he still wanted to see me, and he was very encouraging and gave me such hope and strength.

I’m so happy that you are figuring out what you want to do. Working with children is admirable. You’ve been busy – looking into working with children, looking into the Red Cross, checking on the cruise lines, and thinking about joining a Buddhism group.

You need a job now, so why not make yourself available now? If the cruise line offers you something, why not try it? You’ve already listed several reasons that it is a good fit for you. You might love it. If you are doing what you love, you will shine and it will be noticed. It seems that there could be so many possibilities for you. As far as meeting a guy, you have a much better chance of meeting a guy who is right for you when you are happy and doing what you love.

I’ve been on 4 cruises now and really enjoyed them. I’m wondering if you could combine your interest in working on a cruise line with your interest in working with children. I know each cruise I went on had children’s programs, for example. I don’t know what it takes to work in that area on a cruise ship, but it would be worth looking into. I also know that on at least two of the cruises, they offered babysitting. Even if you were a server in the dining room, you could relate to the children, making their experience more fun – the parents would love it. I’m thinking that if I were you, I’d see about those opportunities. You still have to pass exams to work in your field, and you could study for those exams on the ship. As far as loneliness, you won’t be lonely on a ship with 1,000-4,000 people. :) (I loved your joke about baggage.)

Let me just close with this. Start listening to your inner voice. It comes from both your conscious and sub-conscious mind, from both your mind and your heart. Take notice of your body (i.e. how you are physically reacting to people and situations) as it will tell you what you need to know and listen to your intuition. Avoid thinking negative thoughts, especially of yourself. Don’t limit yourself. You have lots of choices, and you will find the path that is right for you. If you can follow that inner voice, you will make the right decisions for yourself and you will be more at peace.

Hi Seville,

We were neighbors, and we are both runners. I saw him almost every day while I was on my run and we would greet each other. This had been going on for around a year, but eventually that was how we started seeing each other. I started dating him 5 weeks after my breakup, 3 weeks before the attack. We had so much in common and he was such a gentleman. After the attack he still wanted to see me, and he was very encouraging and gave me such hope and strength.

I’m so happy that you are figuring out what you want to do. Working with children is admirable. You’ve been busy – looking into working with children, looking into the Red Cross, checking on the cruise lines, and thinking about joining a Buddhism group.

You need a job now, so why not make yourself available now? If the cruise line offers you something, why not try it? You’ve already listed several reasons that it is a good fit for you. You might love it. If you are doing what you love, you will shine and it will be noticed. It seems that there could be so many possibilities for you. As far as meeting a guy, you have a much better chance of meeting a guy who is right for you when you are happy and doing what you love.

I’ve been on 4 cruises now and really enjoyed them. I’m wondering if you could combine your interest in working on a cruise line with your interest in working with children. I know each cruise I went on had children’s programs, for example. I don’t know what it takes to work in that area on a cruise ship, but it would be worth looking into. I also know that on at least two of the cruises, they offered babysitting. Even if you were a server in the dining room, you could relate to the children, making their experience more fun – the parents would love it. I’m thinking that if I were you, I’d see about those opportunities. You still have to pass exams to work in your field, and you could study for those exams on the ship. As far as loneliness, you won’t be lonely on a ship with 1,000-4,000 people. :) (I loved your joke about baggage.)

Let me just close with this. Start listening to your inner voice. It comes from both your conscious and sub-conscious mind, from both your mind and your heart. Take notice of your body (i.e., how you are physically reacting to people and situations) as it will tell you what you need to know and listen to your intuition. Avoid thinking negative thoughts, especially of yourself. Don’t limit yourself. You have lots of choices, and you will find the path that is right for you. If you can follow that inner voice, you will make the right decisions for yourself and you will be more at peace.

Hi Justlooking!

Thank for your quick reply!:)
Well that was good going how you met your guy, it seemed to be perfect timing for you! That's great! I said in my last post doing various activities that you like doing is usually where you meet a guy with things in common with you, and with a bit of luck you hit it off!!
I have applied for jobs as receptionist, retail in shop, hostess, dancer and in the youth secteur working with children to have more of a chance in a getting a job! I have experience in all of these secteurs so hopefully one job will pop up!
If a job comes up now and I take it I will have to put redcross and Buddhist group and dance classes on hold! Is that a good idea? If I say I'm available in a few months then maybe I can get thoses things done before going and not just taking off to escape my loneliness! But at the same time I feel I need a change very soon my daily routine is boring me so much even though I'm reading and going for walks and taking dance classes there is still a lot of time alone and its depressing me!:confused:
I've also been offered a nanny job fulltime in September I don't think I'll do it as It will be all day at the persons house looking after a baby! I love the baby because I babysit for them sometimes but I think I would feel stuck and not moving on professionally! I have to pass an exam in September to almost complete the qualification of working working with kids. I have already a diploma which I passed years ago to work with children but its not as good as the one I'm trying to pass now. If I pass that exam in September then I could revise for the 2 remaining subjets on the cruise! I can work without the diploma but want to have it to be secure for the future!
By working on the cruise I will be able to save some money which is good too! The fact of stopping off in different countrys really apeals to me even though it will be hard work and not much free time but I think I will enjoy it! How was it for you on the cruise liners? Did the workers look like they were having fun? Would it be better on a carabeanne (sorry, can't spell):( cruise or what types? I've never been on one but I worked on a ferryboat back and fourth to the same country which was OK but not what I expected it to be I was a waitress just collected trays all day long and kind of got dizzy!lol!
I'm kind of afraid of losing my place for If I choose to come back here should I give my little appartement up and just go or keep it even though I would continue to pay the rent while I'm not here? If it is for 6months as its hard to find a place to live in this city! I'm thinking ahead too!:confused: Maybe after the cruise I won't want to come back here!
O well I'm sure it will get clearer soon!! By trusting my instincts!!

If you have any opinions would be grateful !:)
Seville

I understand your interest in waiting until after September, but my feeling is that you don’t limit yourself. Apply to the cruise ships and tell them you are available now. It’s already mid-August. I’d be surprised if they’d have an immediate opening. The alternative is to apply in a month, after your exam. My point is to let them know you are currently available when you do apply. In the meantime, go forward with the assumption that you will take the exam before you get a placement. That’s the most likely outcome.

Cruise ships have so many activities. They offer religious services, for example. As far as Buddhism, it’s always something you could study on your own. I bet you could even take dance classes on them. (Do you have the experience to apply as a dancer?) The ships I have been on always had gyms, and some had separate gyms for the workers. The 4 cruises I have been on: 2 in Mexico, 1 in the Caribbean, and 1 to Hawaii. They were all fun. Do they ask where you would want to be? As far as the workers, they were friendly and courteous. The ones I had more contact with (the steward and waiters) said they really loved their jobs. I’m sure it’s like any other job – some are happy, some are not. You probably won’t know until you try, but you have an interest in it so why not go for it. You are doing the right thing to apply to so many different places. The cruise ships are just one more place. Who knows who will have an opening?

As far as your apartment, is there any chance you can sublet it for 6 months?

I understand your interest in waiting until after September, but my feeling is that you don’t limit yourself. Apply to the cruise ships and tell them you are available now. It’s already mid-August. I’d be surprised if they’d have an immediate opening. The alternative is to apply in a month, after your exam. My point is to let them know you are currently available when you do apply. In the meantime, go forward with the assumption that you will take the exam before you get a placement. That’s the most likely outcome.

Cruise ships have so many activities. They offer religious services, for example. As far as Buddhism, it’s always something you could study on your own. I bet you could even take dance classes on them. (Do you have the experience to apply as a dancer?) The ships I have been on always had gyms, and some had separate gyms for the workers. The 4 cruises I have been on: 2 in Mexico, 1 in the Caribbean, and 1 to Hawaii. They were all fun. Do they ask where you would want to be? As far as the workers, they were friendly and courteous. The ones I had more contact with (the steward and waiters) said they really loved their jobs. I’m sure it’s like any other job – some are happy, some are not. You probably won’t know until you try, but you have an interest in it so why not go for it. You are doing the right thing to apply to so many different places. The cruise ships are just one more place. Who knows who will have an opening?

As far as your apartment, is there any chance you can sublet it for 6 months?

Hi Justlooking,

Sorry to bother you again! I'm a bit confused!
I got a reply for a job for the cruise ship from an employment group. They said my resume was positive for them and that I was on the shortlist.
Today I got another e-mail saying that I will have to pass a test to see if I'm capable of working on a cruise and then a telephone interview, and face to face all before the 26august! Then If I passed I will be joining the cruise in Turkey for a 6month contract. I was so happy and started visualising myself on the cruise!
There was a catch it also said, to help you pass the test please download the link and put your code in so that you will get 10% Off and have an advantage over the other applicants! So the link was a book with information on cruises etc.. And they were asking for 20 euros £24 to receive the book.:confused:
I feel that this is a scam, you don't ask people applying for a job to pay to get through to the next part of the interview and not even sure that I will get through after paying for this book! They did put their address and phone number but I'm hestitating to call them in case it's a scam!
I googled the company and other people had the same experience as me asking for money to get to the neXt stage! But no one said if it was an actual scam! And some didn't bother with them!

What do you think? Is this normal procedure?
Thanks!

I don't really know normal procedures, but I'd be wary of a scam also. Just the fact they are pushing for such a fast reply sends up red flags. I wouldn't buy the book. Can you take the test without buying the book?

How are you applying - an employment agency or directly to a cruise line? I tried to read a little about the process, and got the impression that you should be applying directly to the cruise lines. One article I read mentioned that the top three lines and three that you should definitely consider are Royal Caribbean International, Princess and Carnival. I easily found websites for applying for Princess and Carnival. Royal Caribbean wasn't as easy, but I didn't spend a lot of time looking.

I also read a few comments that said you should not have to buy anything.

I wish I could help more but I just don't know a lot about it.

I don't really know normal procedures, but I'd be wary of a scam also. Just the fact they are pushing for such a fast reply sends up red flags. I wouldn't buy the book. Can you take the test without buying the book?

How are you applying - an employment agency or directly to a cruise line? I tried to read a little about the process, and got the impression that you should be applying directly to the cruise lines. One article I read mentioned that the top three lines and three that you should definitely consider are Royal Caribbean International, Princess and Carnival. I easily found websites for applying for Princess and Carnival. Royal Caribbean wasn't as easy, but I didn't spend a lot of time looking.

I also read a few comments that said you should not have to buy anything.

I wish I could help more but I just don't know a lot about it.

Hello,
Thank you for your great advice! Yes it is a redflag having to buy the book and replying so soon. I was applying to groups, concessioneries, that put me in contact with the cruise! I read somewhere that it is better to apply directly to the ship. The 3 companies you mentioned sounds good, are they based in america? The fact that I'm living in europe can I apply to these? The employment agency here don't give you any information on cruises. I have been trying to research on the net and will continue to. I'm just not sure where you have to be situated to apply to a certain ship?
Thanks,
Seville

You can definitely apply to them. By the way, I’ve been on all three of these lines. I enjoyed all three – nice ships, friendly crew members, many travel choices. To get you started –

Princess application
Onboard Employment : Careers : Princess Cruises (http://www.princess.com/employment/onboard_employment/index.html)
At the bottom of the page you will see a section about International Recruiting, which leads to a page that includes how to apply if you live in Europe.

Carnival application:
Fun Jobs - Carnival Cruise Lines (http://www.carnival.com/cms/fun/fun_jobs/fun_jobs.aspx)
I was a little surprised by the limited choice of jobs on their site, but I read a tip that suggests you send a resume and cover letter directly to them, using this website (“contact us” button on top right)
About Us | Carnival Cruise Lines (http://www.carnival.com/cms/fun/about_us.aspx?icid=CC_Footer_103)
Be sure to list the languages you speak and the areas you’d be interested in working. Don’t limit it too much. It seems with your varied background that you might qualify for a few different areas. Also, have someone proofread your letter and resume before you send it.

Royal Caribbean application:
Career Opportunities - Royal Caribbean International (http://www.royalcaribbean.com/ourCompany/career.do)


As with any job, you want to research the companies as much as possible. There are dozens of sites that discuss these companies and many sites that discuss what it is like to work for them or on a cruise ship in general. In the meantime, keep looking for jobs where you live. You don’t know when or if something will come out of this. It should be just one of the options you try. Good luck.

You can definitely apply to them. By the way, I’ve been on all three of these lines. I enjoyed all three – nice ships, friendly crew members, many travel choices. To get you started –

Princess application
Onboard Employment : Careers : Princess Cruises (http://www.princess.com/employment/onboard_employment/index.html)
At the bottom of the page you will see a section about International Recruiting, which leads to a page that includes how to apply if you live in Europe.

Carnival application:
Fun Jobs - Carnival Cruise Lines (http://www.carnival.com/cms/fun/fun_jobs/fun_jobs.aspx)
I was a little surprised by the limited choice of jobs on their site, but I read a tip that suggests you send a resume and cover letter directly to them, using this website (“contact us” button on top right)
About Us | Carnival Cruise Lines (http://www.carnival.com/cms/fun/about_us.aspx?icid=CC_Footer_103)
Be sure to list the languages you speak and the areas you’d be interested in working. Don’t limit it too much. It seems with your varied background that you might qualify for a few different areas. Also, have someone proofread your letter and resume before you send it.

Royal Caribbean application:
Career Opportunities - Royal Caribbean International (http://www.royalcaribbean.com/ourCompany/career.do)


As with any job, you want to research the companies as much as possible. There are dozens of sites that discuss these companies and many sites that discuss what it is like to work for them or on a cruise ship in general. In the meantime, keep looking for jobs where you live. You don’t know when or if something will come out of this. It should be just one of the options you try. Good luck.

Hi Justlooking,

Thank you very much for those links, its reassuring to know you were on these lines.
I haven't yet applied I'm working on my letter and making sure its OK before I send it but will in the next few days!
In the mean time I've been thinking about what I will do in September?
I feel a bit confused and stressed in taking the right decision. I have a few options which is good but confusing:
a) a live out nanny for a baby, the hours are good 9-5 mon-fri, that way
I can teach english on the side to top up the salary.
b) Live out nanny for another family from 8-7 mon-fri, hours are long but excellent pay.
c) I could apply in to hotels as a receptionist being able to speak 2languages the salary is OK, but you work weekends and late night shifts.
d) I could contact a job I did 2years ago and could have moved up but I quit and made a bad choice not being myself with my ex. I feel a bit humilated reapplying as when I had quit the last time a few days later I changed my mind and said I wanted to stay but they had already found someone else!:( I realised after what a mistake as it was a great company for l'oreal! Is it a good idea to try again after 2yrs?
e) Get 2 part time jobs working with children and other!
f) work in fashion a job
The first 2 options would mean that I would be with the children at their home and not meet anyone like co.workers and clients. I don't mind solitude but not too much! I will have mre free time with the first option to do red cross, dance, and buddhist group!
With option 3 I don't have a lot of experience as a receptionist but could learn, I would be meeting people but working weekend shifts and late nights!
With the fourth why not try again!
With the fifth why not but will have to work out with the days!
The 6TH a job I tried but wasn't stimulating!
I'm complicated and worried for my choices!! :eek:
I don't know If I'm finding it hard to choose, I just don't want to be stuck and waste more time doing something that doesn't improve my career, but want to stick at something to feel stable and longterm! Do you have opinions on this?
The cruiseship job is an option and something could pop up, I'm not going to wait for that to happen!

As this is a relationship forum, just a quick insight on my ex!
This weekend I checked my ex out on fb, there was a photo of him with his 2 friends at a night club. He looked really sad and as if he had aged 5yrs extra since I last him. I know he's not happy there and I felt sad for him! He has to adapt to somewhere, where doesn't want to be but has no choice! Should I ask him how he is on msn?

Well thanks for any advice you have and anyone else!
Cheers!
Seville

It's nice to hear that you have several options. I think you will need to decide which is the best option, as you know better what your goals and abilities are. Why feel humiliated about option d? If it was a good career opportunity, apply again. The worst outcome is they have nothing available, and then you look elsewhere. Don't take it personal. Why go back to a job that isn't stimulating (option f) – unless there are other opportunities in that job that you could pursue.

You have to get beyond worrying about making a choice. You've been on here for over 5 weeks and are still worrying. It's time to do something. Think about it and make the best choice considering all things – your career goals, the pay, the hours, how it fits in with the rest of your life, what you enjoy doing, etc. It would be nice to get some stability in your work record by staying longer at your next job and you want it to enhance your skills, but it's very unlikely that the next job will be your last job. Make the best decision from among the various choices.

I think the answer to the question about your ex is similar to the answer to your job seeking – It's time to move forward and make the best choices for the rest of your life. Don't forget all the negatives:
-He has to live in his country.
-Neither of you think you would like it or fit in there.
-You've started some healing, but that contact will set you back.
-He may or may not be sad – one picture can't tell you that. You will only make it harder for him as well if you contact him. Let him heal also – you don't want to hurt him.
-Bottom line, he hasn't contacted you and shows no signs he is interested. It's been over a year now.

For your own sanity, let it go and keep moving forward. Read this thread over again, and again anytime you have doubts. Just keep looking for the positive things in your life. Make the best decisions you can, and don't second guess yourself so much.

I also wanted to let you know I am out of town for business. I'll be gone for a while, and it's very unlikely that I'll have time to look at this forum due to the nature of my project. Good luck.

Should I ask him how he is on msn?

NO, absolutely not! As a matter of fact, stay off his Facebook page.

NO, absolutely not! As a matter of fact, stay off his facebook page.

Hi Talaniman,

I can't help taking a peek every now and again! Its still very hard to stay no conatct!! I didn't talk to him yet on msn!
Its kind of making me sick he's still in my thoughts especially at night and in the morning and its starting to bug me a lot but can't stop thinking of him. I even dream about him, last night I dreamt of him again:eek: I say it will pass but it doesn't?:confused still miss him a lot! What do you do when its been a long time but still there?

Get busy with other things in your life, and give it more time. If you stay off Facebook you wouldn't be reinforcing those old thoughts, memories, and the old feeling can settle down.

We all know how hard it is, but constantly reminding yourself of that part of your past only keeps your feelings on the surface, and that does you no good, you're only hindering the healing process.

It is easy for everyone to tell you to "move on". It is not easy for you to do it. I know how you feel. You think about this guy day and night, you don't think you will ever fall in love again, etc, etc. But the fact is ,eventually you will. As a matter of fact, you will do even better. I mean this guy can't seem to get it together. Hr doesn't deserve you. You're a teacher, he was an ilegal. Start dating again, only this time don't settle for less than you deserve. If you hear from him again, tell him that you would rather there was no contact with him anymore. Then you will start to heal.

It is easy for everyone to tell you to "move on". It is not easy for you to do it. I know how you feel. You think about this guy day and night, you don't think you will ever fall in love again, etc, etc. But the fact is ,eventually you will. As a matter of fact, you will do even better. I mean this guy can't seem to get it together. Hr doesn't deserve you. You're a teacher, he was an ilegal. Start dating again, only this time don't settle for less than you deserve. If you hear from him again, tell him that you would rather there was no contact with him anymore. Then you will start to heal.

Hi you!
Thanks for your e-mail! My ex sent me a short email 2days ago, saying "you look nice on your fb profile photo"! I haven't yet replied but was going to just send back "thanks";)!
Don't know why he sent that but obviously wants to keep contact!
What's your opinion?

I think you would be setting yourself up all over again by replying.
That game has already been played and remember who lost.

Hi ya!
Thanks for your e-mail! My ex sent me a short email 2days ago, saying "you look nice on your fb profile photo"! I haven't yet replied but was gonna just send back "thanks";)!
Don't know why he sent that but obviously wants to keep contact!
Whats your opinion?

I think the sooner you start dating others the better off you will be. I'm not saying to jump into a relationship, just go out and start to feel good about yourself. This other relationship can only lead to heartache for you. I was once in love with someone and thought I could not live without her. When she broke up with me, I wanted to die. I thought I would never find someone like her again. After doing everything I could to keep her in my life, I finally gave up. Then I met someone else. She dumped me also after 4 months. I again thought I would never survive this. Finally I decided to start making myself happy, and stop relying on someone else to get me out of my depression. Now, even though I'm still miserable, I only have myself to blame for that. Another words, live for yourself, not your ex boyfriend

I think the sooner you start dating others the better off you will be. I'm not saying to jump into a relationship, just go out and start to feel good about yourself. This other relationship can only lead to heartache for you. I was once in love with someone and thought i could not live without her. When she broke up with me, I wanted to die. I thought I would never find someone like her again. After doing everything i could to keep her in my life, I finally gave up. Then I met someone else. She dumped me also after 4 months. I again thought I would never survive this. Finally I decided to start amking myself happy, and stop relying on someone else to get me out of my depression. Now, even though I'm still miserable, I only have myself to blame for that. Another words, live for yourself, not your ex boyfriend

Hello,
I'm sorry to hear about your past relationships. If you still feel miserable maybe seek counselling until you feel better! Then everything will come together like puzzle and you will feel liberated as well as doing the things you enjoy and you will attract the right girl!
I know I'm not in a good position to give advice with my background but I'm learning a lot from this board.
Yesterday I went to the hairdressers to get my hair cut in a hotel private salon with just me and the hairdresser who was very cute indeed!:)
We were talking about generale things while he was cutting and seemed very nice and interesting! He said I had nice eyes :o he also asked if I had any children and I said no, and he smiled! And I could feel a good connection with him! We were talking and laughing so much that he spent 2and1/2 hours styling my hair! Then his boss came in and said his next client had arrived and she's waiting! So he was a bit flustered and quickly finished with my hair! Before we left the salon we stared in to eachothers eyes, which seemed like hours! I could feel he wanted to ask me something but didn't! I was so taken a back that I didn't ask him for his number or anything!:eek:
So he walked me out and to my surprise he put his arms out to say goodbye! I was so drawn to him that I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he did too and a quick hug! I wanted to just stay with him but his client was right there and his boss and she seemed annoyed that he was a bit late for the next client! He left and went in to back to the salon room to clean up! I paid and left him a tip, and went away out of the hotel and in to a park next to it.
I felt those first feelings of being in love and was so mad :mad:for not asking him for his number I think he wanted to too but he was being professionnel and wasn't sure If I had a boyfriend! Or maybe he was just being nice to his client!
So I thought maybe I could find him on fb but only have his first name! I decided to buy an envellope and but a little note in it with my number! I wrote on there thanks for the great haircut and if you'd like to go for a beer sometime my number is... I didn't feel the courage to go back to the actual salon, so I gave it to the receptionist in the hallway to bring it up to the hairdresser! Then I left, I really hope he gets it because you could never know if she did actually give it in to him:confused:
Did I did the right thing? Sometimes you have to make things happen! Well I will see if he gets back to me! But if he doesn't I'll be wondering if he got the note or not? Or maybe not interested? I don't know any other way of contacting him? At the moment I will see but I am getting on with life and not waiting for him to get back to me!:)
Any opinions everyone? beachloverjohn, Taliman, homegirl..
Thanks guys!

"I felt those first feelings of being in love and was so mad for not asking him for his "

First feelings of being in love, please don't go there. What you felt is attraction.
It would be OK to go out if he calls, but don't try and make him the substitute and don't jump into anything out of loneliness.

And by the way, every time you meet a new guy, doesn't mean you are in love. I think you fall inand out of love at the drop af a hat. You need to just date for awhile. Don't get so serious so fast. Sounds like you just like the idea of being in love, but anyone will do.

Hello,
I'm sorry to hear about your past relationships. If you still feel miserable maybe seek counselling until you feel better! Then everything will come together like puzzle and you will feel liberated aswell as doing the things you enjoy and you will attract the right girl!
I know I'm not in a good position to give advice with my background but I'm learning alot from this board.
Yesterday I went to the hairdressers to get my hair cut in a hotel private salon with just me and the hairdresser who was very cute indeed!:)
We were talking about generale things while he was cutting and seemed very nice and interesting! He said I had nice eyes :o he also asked if i had any children and I said no, and he smiled! and I could feel a good connection with him! We were talking and laughing so much that he spent 2and1/2 hours styling my hair! Then his boss came in and said his next client had arrived and shes waiting! So he was a bit flustered and quickly finished with my hair! Before we left the salon we stared in to eachothers eyes, which seemed like hours! I could feel he wanted to ask me something but didn't! I was so taken a back that i didn't ask him for his number or anything!:eek:
So he walked me out and to my surprise he put his arms out to say goodbye! I was so drawn to him that I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he did too and a quick hug! I wanted to just stay with him but his client was right there and his boss and she seemed annoyed that he was a bit late for the next client! He left and went in to back to the salon room to clean up! I paid and left him a tip, and went away out of the hotel and in to a park next to it.
I felt those first feelings of being in love and was so mad :mad:for not asking him for his number I think he wanted to too but he was being professionnel and wasn't sure If i had a boyfriend! Or maybe he was just being nice to his client!
So I thought maybe I could find him on fb but only have his first name! I decided to buy an envellope and but a little note in it with my number! I wrote on there thanks for the great haircut and if you'd like to go for a beer sometime my number is... I didn't feel the courage to go back to the actual salon, so I gave it to the receptionist in the hallway to bring it up to the hairdresser! Then I left, I really hope he gets it because you could never know if she did actually give it in to him:confused:
Did i did the right thing? sometimes you have to make things happen! Well I will see if he gets back to me! but if he doesn't I'll be wondering if he got the note or not? or maybe not interested? i don't know any other way of contacting him? at the moment i will see but i am getting on with life and not waiting for him to get back to me!:)
Any opinions everyone? beachloverjohn, Taliman, homegirl....?
Thanks guys!
I know what I would do. You know his first name, you know where he works. So pick up the phone and call the salon. Leave a message for him to please call you. When he does, you tell him that you wanted to know if he got the note you sent. If he did, well no more needs to be said on your part. If not, tell him you enjoyed talking to him and ask him if he would like to meet for a cup of coffee. That's it. Then do no more. If he wants to see you again, he will tell you or call you when he is free. Do not jump into anther relationaship. Just casual dating first. YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE AGAIN. You don't even know him.. So giv e LOVE a rest.

I know what I would do. You know his first name, you know where he works. So pick up the phone and call the salon. Leave a message for him to please call you. When he does, you tell him that you wanted to know if he got the note you sent. If he did, well no more needs to be said on your part. If not, tell him you enjoyed talking to him and ask him if he would like to meet for a cup of coffee. That's it. Then do no more. If he wants to see you again, he will tell you or call you when he is free. Do not jump into anther relationaship. Just casual dating first. YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE AGAIN. You don't even know him.. So giv e LOVE a rest.

Hello,
Thanks for your response. It will be difficult to call because its an office where they book reservations not at the salon, so he is never there so wouldn't be able to speak with him directly and wouldn't be very nice asking for him for a personal matter! I could always get someone to call to make an appointement and ask for his full name then and find him on fb!
I'm really not jumping in at the deep end here it was just a feeling, who knows maybe I read in to it, I thought I would try and just go for a casual drink and have a laugh as we laughed so much, nothing more! As you say I don't know him, but even as a friend would be nice he was just so easy going! For all I know he could be gay in the salon company all the men working there are gay! But this guy was new and don't think he is!
I just hope he didn't think I was too forward if he got the note? But I didn't see how else and wanted to give the note while the iron was hot!!
We're in the 21centuary so why not make a move!
Its not out of loneliness, I've been on my own almost all year now and I deserve to meet some new people at this stage!!
Do you think it was up to him to do something while I was there? That's a bit oldfashioned and not professional!! So far nothing back from him, I'm not expecting any for at least end of next week! That's fine if he wasn't interested but if didn't get the note that's different!
Appreciate your comments? :)

Seville

"I felt those first feelings of being in love and was so mad for not asking him for his "

First feelings of being in love, please don't go there. What you felt is attraction.
It would be OK to go out if he calls, but don't try and make him the substitute and don't jump into anything out of loneliness.

It was a good feeling maybe not in love feelings just lust and attraction! I won't jump in to anything just friends!! That is, if he got the note and calls!
You can be lonely and want to meet someone that's just human nature even if you are on your own.
If I understand what you're saying, you must not feel lonely before dating?

I see nothing wrong with a woman making the first move. And it could be that he thinks it would have been unethical if he made a move on you. Honestly I think somehow you will find a way to get in touch with him. Try going back to the rceptionist and ask her if she gave him your messege. But don't obssess over this. You might be in for a big letdown.

I understand you being lonely, I'm just saying don't talk love when you don't even know a person. Recognize it for what it is and use your head.
You are still vulnerable so you really cannot afford to walk blindly into something.
I'm just saying be careful

I understand you being lonely, I'm just saying don't talk love when you don't even know a person. Recognize it for what it is and use your head.
You are still vulnerable so you really cannot afford to walk blindly into something.
I"m just saying be careful

Yes you are right! I will take your advice with eyes wide open!
Thanks!:)

i see nothing wrong with a woman making the first move. And it could be that he thinks it would have been unethical if he made a move on you. Honestly I think somehow you will find a way to get in touch with him. Try going back to the rceptionist and ask her if she gave him your messege. But don't obssess over this. You might be in for a big letdown.

Good! I'm glad you think it was a good idea! I don't feel comfortable going back to the receptionist, there's different people and different shifts so may not see the same person!I don't wan't to obssess over this! Maybe its destiny, if he didn't get the note and wasn't meant to be! On the other hand, It's a luxury hotel and don't see why the receptionist wouldn't give it in to the salon even if he was busy she could have left it with his boss!
I think the alternatif is to get a friend to call and ask for his full name but not sure if they give out his name on the phone! O well it's a shame that I wasn't on the ball and asked him straight out!
Time will tell!

Let yourself heal, before you get involved with someone else. You have come a long way and we want to see you completely ready for another relationsship.

Give yourself time and don't go into a relationship just because you're lonely.

i see nothing wrong with a woman making the first move. And it could be that he thinks it would have been unethical if he made a move on you. Honestly I think somehow you will find a way to get in touch with him. Try going back to the rceptionist and ask her if she gave him your messege. But don't obssess over this. You might be in for a big letdown.

Hello !
Well its been over week and the guy didn't get back to me!! Either he didn't get the note or he's gay! But even so, I have some gay friends and go for drinks with them just as friends so I think he might have got back to me even if he wasn't interested!! I will have to wait till my next hair appointment to know:eek: but won't be for a long while!! :rolleyes:
It's a shame, he really was flirting with me!! and I felt good vibes!!
Any opinions appreciated!!

Gie it a little time!

Don't dwell on perceived or real rejections. Just move to better options, and opportunities.

Hello !
Well its been over week and the guy didn't get back to me!!! Either he didn't get the note or he's gay!

Maybe he wasn't interested and your connection or whatever it was is only in your mind? Did you ever think he was being nice, or "flirting" as you call it because you're his client?

I think you need to chill a bit. You seem to be rushing ahead at a million miles.

What you need at the moment are friends. Not someone to take your mind off your heartbreak. That's just asking for trouble.

Don't dwell on perceived or real rejections. Just move to better options, and opportunities.

I won't dwell that's for sure!That does happen sometimes that someone falls for someone they've just met 'love at first sight'! It just seemed like a mutual feeling, so many signals but I was probably tunned in to the wrong station!!
Anyway I just wanted to go for a coffee with him, no reason to be so serious!
So you have to wait to be asked to go for a coffee.. otherwise its too strong!
I guess I live my life like a black and white movie, which isn't reality!! But disappointing!!

It will get better. You will be happy again. I honestly believe
There is someone for all of us. You'll meet him, give yourself time.

I always felt that someone came along when I wasn't really looking for it. You might try the things we all suggested earlier as far as getting a good job, finding things that make you happy, and improving your day to day life... and just let the romance happen. When you are happy, you radiate that feeling. I think that's what attracts good men.

I always felt that someone came along when I wasn't really looking for it. You might try the things we all suggested earlier as far as getting a good job, finding things that make you happy, and improving your day to day life ... and just let the romance happen. When you are happy, you radiate that feeling. I think that's what attracts good men.

Hi Justlooking and Co.

Hope your project went well!
Well things seem to be getting a bit better:)
Today I had a missed call from the hairdresser guy!
He left a message saying that he only got the note today! He said thank you very much and that it was very kind! and that he would love to go for a drink with me this week!and to get back to him!:)
I will get back to him for a casual drink and try to get to know him a bit better! I knew there was some sort of spark and that I wasn't completely imagining it!
For work I went back to my old job and saw the manager she was happy to see me and asked what I was doing now!
I asked her if there was any jobs available and she said to give me your resumé and will transfer it to the head office!! :eek:
I told her I regretted leaving and that I would love to come back, she understood! She said "hope to see you soon and I said me too"!:)
Well will see what happens maybe I should have put a letter with it but didn't want to talk about why I left etc.. Just left it with a positive feeling!
I really hope it works out because I know in my heart I want to go back!

Well thanks for your advice and will continue with your advice!!

Hi Justlooking and Co.,

Hope your project went well!
Well things seem to be getting a bit better:)
Today I had a missed call from the hairdresser guy!
He left a message saying that he only got the note today! He said thankyou very much and that it was very kind!, and that he would love to go for a drink with me this week!and to get back to him!:)
I will get back to him for a casual drink and try to get to know him a bit better! I knew there was some sort of spark and that I wasn't completly imagining it!
For work I went back to my old job and saw the manager she was happy to see me and asked what i was doing now!
I asked her if there was any jobs available and she said to give me your resumé and will transfer it to the head office!!!:eek:
I told her I regretted leaving and that i would love to come back, she understood! She said "hope to see you soon and I said me too"!:)
Well will see what happens maybe I should have put a letter with it but didn't want to talk about why I left etc.. Just left it with a positive feeling!
I really hope it works out because I know in my heart I want to go back!

Well thanks for your advice and will continue with your advice!!!




You are in my prayers girl and I hope you get your job. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and my toes.. I would cross my eyes but my mom always said if I did that they would stay that way.:eek:... Good Luck and Blessings.. Kit:)

You are in my prayers girl and I hope you get your job. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and my toes.. I would cross my eyes but my mom always said if i did that they would stay that way.:eek:...Good Luck and Blessings..Kit:)

Hi Kit,
Thanks a lot for praying for me and for your kind wishes and blessings!!
I had a good laugh about crossing your eyes! lol..! :p
May life treat you well too!!
I will keep you posted... :)
BEST WISHES!!

Hi Kit,
Thanks alot for praying for me and for your kind wishes and blessings!!!
I had a good laugh about crossing your eyes!!lol..!!!:p
May life treat you well too!!!
I will keep you posted...:)
BEST WISHES!!!




Be sure to do that. Or stay and go on the threads and answer questions. You have been through a lot. You may help someone with your answers.:)

Be sure to do that. Or stay and go on the threads and answer questions. You have been through a lot. You may help someone with your answers.:)

Hello to all!

Well I went to meet this hairdresser guy! We had a good night!
The only thing was I didn't realize how much smaller he was than me as when he was doing my hair I was sitting down of course!
We went to a cool place with cool music and had a couple of drinks too many!:eek:
He came out of his shell after a while and I started to get to know him a bit better! He seems a very nice person and I did some research on his origins, so that we could talk about his culture etc.. I think he was impressed and he was giving signals of liking me!!
It was getting late so we left, and looked for a taxi! On the way, we made out. In the taxi he was all over me and asked to come back to my place, I said no as had to work early in the morning and that things were moving to fast! He said I will leave early, but I said no its not a good idea!
He was cool about it, when I was dropped off we agreed to meet Sunday!
When I got home it was weird I had a bit of nostolgy for my ex and cried for the reality of it all! I had been really lookingfoward to this meeting and it took my mind of my ex but now I feel like I'm back to square one! I did enjoy his company but when you take away the alcohol, I don't think there would be a lot there sometimes there was silences!!
It just seems like the feelings will never erase for my ex but I try hard to forget him and with this guy I honestly don't know If I should continue to see him? I think he might want something serious! Hes a lot smaller and slim size it felt a bit funny next to him, I'm used to having a bigger taller man! He was very nice and kind and has a lovely face! I don't know what I want anymore but can't stand this loneliness..
I will maybe try circular dating.
I'm just disapointed because I keep thinking there's someone better out there but when I find out that's not the case it hits me all over again!! :confused:
Well any opinions? Thank you!!

You don't date someone to forget the one you're still stuck on.
You had a date with this guy, it wasn't a commitment. You are not feeling him so be done with it.
Don't look for a replacement for your ex, take the time to get over him.

I agree with Homegirl, but also want to add that I hope you are working on yourself as well. It sounds like you are working. Do you like your job? Are you taking those dance classes? What else are you doing for yourself? When you are active, enjoying life, and growing, it becomes less important that you have a man in your life.

Just because this one man didn't meet your expectations doesn't mean there isn't someone else out there. I also think you might want to slow down some with the men. Get to know them before things turn physical. I know - I sound like your mother now. ;)

Let yourself heal, before you get involved with someone else. You have come a long way and we want to see you completely ready for another relationsship.

Give yourself time and don't go into a relationship just because you're lonely.

Do you remember this advice you were given? :mad:

Now read it again and imprint it onto your brain. Rushing onto the "next sure thing" is a big mistake as you have found out. You are not ready.

There are some very wise posters on this forum, please take their advice it will help you immensely as it has done myself and many others.

Good Luck :)

I agree with Homegirl, but also want to add that I hope you are working on yourself as well. It sounds like you are working. Do you like your job? Are you taking those dance classes? What else are you doing for yourself? When you are active, enjoying life, and growing, it becomes less important that you have a man in your life.

Just because this one man didn't meet your expectations doesn't mean there isn't someone else out there. I also think you might want to slow down some with the men. Get to know them before things turn physical. I know - I sound like your mother now. ;)

Hi you!
Yes, I know what you're saying but my impulsions gets the better of me thinking its going to work out and it will be good with this guy. I guess it was infactuaction and disire but not realistic..
I know I still have feelings for my ex and tend to put myself on hold and not reach out to people!!
I have been working on myself and feeling better and positve in general! People seem to notice me as more confident and enjoyable to be around!!
I take dance classes and love it! Always have loved to dance and even showed the hairdresser guy my new dance moves the other night lol!! I did the splits and couldn't get back up it was funny!:p In October I will dance in a mini show, I'm lookingfoward to it!
For the job I don't have a proper job yet!! I work a couple of hours a week but I 'm hoping my last job that I loved will contact me again!!
I also hope to do the red cross diploma next weekend! To get started on helping people!!
As for my EX, he contacted me again for the third time by e-mail, this time he said he would be pleased to hear my news and hoped everything was OK for me..! :confused:
I haved mixed feelings and miss him very much. The last time I tried to talk to him on msn 2months ago he didn't answer!! So I haven't been on msn in a long while so that I won't feel hurt!
I would love to just talk to him about general things!! I think it would be healing for me?!
Anyway bye for now and I wish you all a very good weekend!!

Do you remember this advice you were given? :mad:

Now read it again and imprint it onto your brain. Rushing onto the "next sure thing" is a big mistake as you have found out. You are not ready.

There are some very wise posters on this forum, please take their advice it will help you immensely as it has done myself and many others.

Good Luck :)

Yes I know!! I didn't really rush in to anything, it was just for a drink!! How can I stay on my own forever its been over a year how much more time is it going to take?
Well for the moment I don't really care about guys and that I'm doing what I enjoy and not looking for anything!! Idealy I would just love to be with my ex!!
I will continue to read the posts that has helped my so far, its up to me to do the rest!!
Thanks to everyone!! :)

It seems you keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. If you don't take time to get to know the men you are dating and to let them get to know you, you have no idea if they are interested for the right reasons or if they are even compatible with you. You aren't a teenager any longer. Don't let your impulses lead to mistakes. Take control of yourself and your desires. I'm not saying it's wrong to kiss on a first date, but the way you describe it the man had one intention - to get back to your place. How do you know he was really interested in getting to know you versus looking just for sex? I have the impression you are looking for more than sex at this point, so do yourself a favor and take your time. When things get so physical so soon, often a relationship does not develop.

Keep working on yourself, feeling positive, and being a joy to be around. The dance lessons seem like a lot of fun. The splits story is cute. Good luck on the job, but keep looking at other jobs in case it doesn't work out. Don't just wait to hear on this one.

It sounds like your ex is trying to be friends. The problem with that is you are not over him yet, and you won't get over him if you keep false hope. Did you ever read the stickies in this forum? This one would be a great start:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-get-him-her-back-187766.html

It's full of a lot of insight. One line stands out to me as being important for you to consider. Live and instead of trying to figure out how to get him back focus on getting yourself back. Even beyond getting yourself back, you may need to find yourself or the new you to begin with - you can do it. :)

Being on your own for a year is not a long time. Do something productive with your time. Busy yourself. Learn to do things for you, find out what you like what makes you happy.
When you are happy with yourself you will be ready for someone else. Dwelling on your ex shows you are not ready for anyone else.

we left, and looked for a taxi! on the way, we made out. In the taxi he was all over me and asked to come back to my place


I didn't really rush in to anything, it was just for a drink!!! How can i stay on my own forever its been over a year how much more time is it gonna take??

What you say and what you are doing, do not match.

You seem to jump in feet first without getting to know the person. And yes making out in the back of a taxi is jumping in.

No one is telling you to stay on your own forever you are being a bit dramatic. How much longer it takes is up to you.

And as you still have contact with the ex it will take even longer.

What you say and what you are doing, do not match.

You seem to jump in feet first without getting to know the person. And yes making out in the back of a taxi is jumping in.

No one is telling you to stay on your own forever you are being a bit dramatic. How much longer it takes is up to you.

And as you still have contact with the ex it will take even longer.

Hi KaKa67!

Not really I think it was the fact that we had few drinks more than what we should have had on a first date!! I was enjoying myself and didn't want the moment to end,which I guess wasn't being responsible!! When we left it was kind of a mutual thing, while we walked he turned to me and we kissed. I also felt I needed a bit of affection and it kind of did me good! If I was sobber I probably would never have kissed him. There was no way in the world that I would have slept with him. I'm not that kind of girl!! Until I know the guy is serious and know him better after many, many dates then maybe but even so!!
Anyway after being hungover the next day I said to myself never again the usual quote lol! But really its not worth it! Feeling like crap! :eek:
Maybe he had intentions of just sleeping with me who knows, he kept getting the shots in. It was just a crazy atmosphere everyone was dancing and singing and having fun that I just thought what the hell!
I sincerely learnt my lesson its better to meet a guy on a first date in the day time at least you won't be tempted to drink more etc..! And get to know the person really!! Its hard to avoid because in europe it's a social thing going for drinks..! I'm usually in to my health and don't drink only a glass of wine or a beer once in a while! By the way he texted me on the way home but nothing since and I didn't either but we did agree to meet today Sunday!! I have dance rehearsal later on for a couple of hours but could meet him after! But I don't know whether I should let him know or wait for him to contact me!? For me its just out of respect to let the person know even if we don't meet again!!
Yes! You're right I'm sometimes dramatic in everything I do!! :eek:
About my ex I'm not exactly in contact with him but I still hold on to hope!! The fact that he has been emailing me got me thinking again,:confused: its just so hard to let go completely!!
There are days where I go insane with missing him!!
WELL bye for now! Thanks for any comments!!
Seville:)


P.S (a few hrs later)He's just texted me asking me how I'm doing?

:eek:
It seems you keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. If you don't take time to get to know the men you are dating and to let them get to know you, you have no idea if they are interested for the right reasons or if they are even compatible with you. You aren't a teenager any longer. Don't let your impulses lead to mistakes. Take control of yourself and your desires. I'm not saying it's wrong to kiss on a first date, but the way you describe it the man had one intention - to get back to your place. How do you know he was really interested in getting to know you versus looking just for sex? I have the impression you are looking for more than sex at this point, so do yourself a favor and take your time. When things get so physical so soon, often a relationship does not develop.

Keep working on yourself, feeling positive, and being a joy to be around. The dance lessons seem like a lot of fun. The splits story is cute. Good luck on the job, but keep looking at other jobs in case it doesn't work out. Don't just wait to hear on this one.

It sounds like your ex is trying to be friends. The problem with that is you are not over him yet, and you wont get over him if you keep false hope. Did you ever read the stickies in this forum? This one would be a great start:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-get-him-her-back-187766.html

It's full of a lot of insight. One line stands out to me as being important for you to consider. Live and instead of trying to figure out how to get him back focus on getting yourself back. Even beyond getting yourself back, you may need to find yourself or the new you to begin with - you can do it. :)

Hello,
Yes I kind of get too carried away, if you read the post below that I wrote to kaka, it explains why it lead to that!
I've got to be more realistic when it comes to meeting new guys, but I don't want to come across as too serious!
Sometimes its good to let down ones hair and have fun and a few drinks!but shouldn't have got to the point of being drunk that night! The hairdresser guy seemed to be enjoying himself and having fun! And that counts!
On the other hand I didn't have the same feelings I had when at the hotel getting my hair done, and I kind of just laughed it off!
Each time, I wish I could stop expecting a greater outcome:rolleyes: because nothing is that good and its scary knowing that maybe I won't find the right guy compatible to me!! This guy also told me that he never goes out he stays in all the time He had taken the bus to meet me and I had to tell how to get there and which bus to take!! I like to go out in general but sometimes its nice to stay in! He seemed a bit reserved!! Then again I usually go for the outgoing, dynamic kind of guy but never had luck with these types but drawn to them, they would be too confident and girls and he would be starring all the time which made me feel insecure and uncomfortable. So maybe I should go for a more reserved guy who's not so egocentric.
I felt more at ease than with my ex as I felt I could just dance and be myself and talk to people etc.. with my ex he would watch if any guy was hitting on me and made me feel like I couldn't have too much fun, that was over a period of course. In the beginning he wasn't as bad very charming and great company, fun and lively and we had good discussions!!
I know I tend to compare my ex to every guy I meet automatically and shouldn't and just give the guy a chance!!
He texted me on Sunday wanting to know how I was doing? I suggested we go to the movies one day next week as I would like to give it another try in getting to know him and nothing more. I think he could be a really good friends, as he speaks english too, its good to have good conversations!! He replied "yeah that would be great":)
For my ex, after his emails etc.. I went on msn lastnight and he was on line I asked him if he had a good celebration as they celebrate at this time of year in his country! He said yes thanks, then he sent me webcam to accept to see him while we chatted! I said it didn't work as I was in bed and didn't feel ready for him to see me like that! He asked me how I was? ETC... then he said he had to go somewhere lets talk another time!
It was like only 3mins chatting! I said OK bye and nothing else it was almost 10pm after a few minutes he was still online! So I went off line that second! I think either he was upset that I didn't except webcam or that he had to go somewhere, I doubt!:confused: The emailing might not have been sincere, knowing him he wanted just some attention from me, a kind of mind game!
Anyway I have seen that he flirts on line to young girls like 20yrs and not pretty, in far away countrys who already have boyfriends its sad really. What does he think they're going to drop everything and take him out of his country.pathetic!! Everyday charming these naïve people, and playing poker on line while at work all day long! I had given him way too much credit!!
I know its very wrong of me to check but I don't look as often anymore!!
It also makes me think well I was just nothing to him!! And that hurts but it gives my an idea that he's still up to his old tricks and in the longrun I would have got really hurt comparing to now!
So I will try very hard to turn the page and move on as its not healthy for me anymore! Its making me sleepless and angry!!
For the job I have a feeling something good is going to pop soon now is the time for employment here. I really need to start soon I'm cracking up everyday with only a couple of hours work!! :eek:

Thanks again for all your help!!
Would be grateful for your opinions!

Seville.. You need to stop thinking a guy is going to validate you. You've been out of a bad relationship for a year now. No one is going to help you get over this guy but you.



Men know vulnerable women, they can spot them a mile away. You are trying to find happiness in the wrong places.

If you have friends who are supportive, spend some time with them. Right now you are settling for the wrong kind of guys to date.

Give yourself time to find you. Go on a vacation or spend time with your family.

You are letting yourself be used and you will end up jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Think about it.

Seville..You need to stop thinking a guy is going to validate you. You've been out of a bad relationship for a year now. No one is going to help you get over this guy but you.



Men know vulnerable women, they can spot them a mile away. You are trying to find happiness in the wrong places.

If you have friends who are supportive, spend some time with them. Right now you are settling for the wrong kind of guys to date.

Give yourself time to find you. Go on a vacation or spend time with your family.

You are letting yourself be used and you will end up jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Think about it.

Hello Kitkat,

How I'm being used? With this guy we're just going to go to the movies.
I didn't see him the weekend and when I do I'm going to make it clear that I just want to be friends!! It was also the fact od having a few drinks that maybe you got this opinion? He's harmless and shy.. I will not get used by anyone! I am slowly but surely finding myself!! :)


Thanks for being concerned!:)
Bye for now!

Hello Kitkat,

How I'm being used? with this guy we're just gonna go to the movies.
I didn't see him the weekend and when I do i'm going to make it clear that I just want to be friends!!!It was also the fact od having a few drinks that maybe you got this opinion? He's harmless and shy..I will not get used by anyone! I am slowly but surely finding myself!!!:)


Thanks for being concerned!:)
Bye for now!

Be good Seville and if he tries anything... slap him... :)

Hello,

I need some advice.. I knew this guy through a friend of mine for a few years now. He was friends with her husband and he had a girlfriend at the time who he was with for 10yrs! I liked him a lot but as he was with her at the time I did nothing to show him my feelings. If you've read my older posts you will understand a bit more!
Anyway, it was over with my ex last year around the same time as he broke up with his ex of 10yrs! He asked me to go for a drink with him and we we were both hurting over our ex's! Especially me! I asked him what he was looking for now and he said just having fun! So we hung out all night dancing and getting to know each other. We made out but it was too painful for me and too soon after the break up with my ex. I didn't feel much for him at the time!
Another night I was out with friends and he happened to be there and he wanted to be around me and I was not interested but should have given him a chance! I went home and he texted me saying I would like to spend some time with you! I didn't reply as I was grievng over my ex and didn't think it was fair on him!
Anyway 1year past and I started thinking about him again and decided to text him and see how he was doing? He replied he was fine and good to hear from me and that he was on holiday but would be back soon! I replied OK lets go for a summer drink when you get back he replied that would be my pleasure and would love to!
So I actually went out of town for a while too so we didn't catch up with each other but we texted to say, see you soon!
So I decided to call him the other night instead of texting, texting is kind of childish and its better to talk directly to the person! He answered and I said hi its seville how are you? I hope I'm not disturbing you! I felt, he was surprised he said yeah I'm fine! I asked him how's things.. and he said I'm with 2 colleagues can you call me tomorrow and we can talk? I said sure no problem he said fine talk tomorrow in a nice voice!!
The next day I had dance rehearsal and was with friends so didn't get around to calling him until the night time 8.30pm! Well he didn't answer his phone so I left a message hi just calling like planned and hope you're well, see you soon!bye!
That was 2days ago and he hasn't got back to me! I was thinking maybe he has mixed feelings after the last time when I was stand offish and doesn't know what to think?The way I called out of the blue might have turned him off! Or he was busy but still he could have replied its not like him, he's very polite! A few weeks ago he seemed very interested in seeing me again! I was thinking of texting him for the last time, maybe next week to go for a drink if he hasn't got back to me by then?
I'd like to just see him for a casual drink!!
Any opinions?? Thanks!!

What happened to the hairdresser? Seville, your life is like a soap opera. I need a score card to keep up with your love life. May be it's time you step back and let some of these men come to you. But if you insist, I will give you an opinion on this one. I don't think you are enough of a challenge, so men just don't see any need for urgency in contacting you. That's it.

He's moved on. He may like an idea to see you again, but he really is not that interested.

You have made a move,now its his turn. If he is interested he will call, if not move on. Good luck!!

What happened to the hairdresser? Seville, your life is like a soap opera. I need a score card to keep up with your love life. May be it's time you step back and let some of these men come to you. But if you insist, I will give you an opinion on this one. I don't think you are enough of a challenge, so men just don't see any need for urgency in contacting you. That's it.

Lol!! The hairdresser guy contacted me and we met up, so I must be a challenge! Thanks for your opinion! I decided not to continue to see the hairdresser guy. He was too imature for me and he's only 26!

You have made a move,now its his turn. If he is interested he will call, if not move on. Good luck !!!

Yes you're right I'll do nothing now and see if gets back to me, if not well it's a shame that I wasn't healed last year and lost out on a good thing!!
Thank you!:)

Well Seville, you do have a sense of humor. That just may be your strength. Now if you could just do something about that hair. Just kidding. Truthfully, you sound like your having a lot more fun than I am. Glad to see you're not taking things as seriously as when you first posted here. Keep up the attitude, you will do all right.

Well Seville, you do have a sense of humor. That just may be your strength. Now if you could just do something about that hair. Just kidding. Truthfully, you sound like your having a lot more fun than I am. Glad to see you're not taking things as seriously as when you first posted here. Keep up the attitude, you will do alright.

You're right about that I have a sense of humor:p!! And laugh more about everything!! I also like to make things happen now as before I was more laid back and reserved!I keep telling myself we only have one life so do what we want to do no matter what!
I hope you're having fun and enjoying yourself even small things in daily life can be funny!!
BYE FOR NOW! Wish you all the best!!
p.s :my hair is fine considering the hairdresser guy said he'd cut it for me for free when ever I want! lol but I wonder if he will now considering I'm not going to see him no more than just friends!! Lol!:D

Stop trying so hard to make something happen, as you both seemed busy, and be willing to move on, rather than keep trying the same thing over again. Sometime our timing is lousy, and things don't work the way we want them too.

Stop trying so hard to make something happen, as you both seemed busy, and be willing to move on, rather than keep trying the same thing over again. Sometime our timing is lousy, and things don't work the way we want them too.

Thanks! The guy texted me today saying he was "sorry for not calling me sooner and that he has been very busy with work.. (hes the boss of his own company) and that he'll get back to me when its better at work, and see you soon"! So I'm happy about that I knew he would get back to me at some point as he's a very polite guy!!
I didn't dwell once I got on with life and I will never make a big effort to make something happen with a guy! From my experience the less you do the more they want you!!

Hello all its seville!
I 've just had a long chat on msn with my ex about everything that's happened and our past relationship and that he still loves me and I love him! He said I wasn't there for him when he went through a bad time of becoming illegal!! I said I was and that I was scared in the beginning but after I was used to it and wanted him to leave his things!
He said now he has a new a job and he goes out all the time even on Saturday morning he gets up early and does stuff as before with me he was in depression and never wanted to go out!! Then he comes out with he's found a newgirlfriend who's caring for him and being there for him. AND HE LOVES HER BUT SHE Doesn't KNOW YET! I was sick to the stomach I said please don't tell me the details!!
I wanted to go off line but we continued to talk of course everythings rosy there in his country where the sun is shining the beach life of leisure of course its different!
Here he was fighting for his rights and not right and I had to live through that and he brought me down with all that even though I stood by him for love and now he's gone and met someone a liban girl! I can't breath with shock! I said once you get bored you ll be off like you always do he said no so all of sudden he's become the perfect gentlemen!! I'm sure so upset!! We told each other we loved each other but he has a new life I said why didn't u take me with you and he's convinced that I didn't want him here so why would he bring me there!! Which is crazy I was there for him!! I feel so bad how he can be he said its just the start of his new story with her!! I've been going through hell for the last yr over this guy who I loved dearly.
I can't believe it then I said I wish you guys happiness he said I was the one he wanted to marry and have children with but I disappointed him when he became illegal!
That was human nature that I freaked out a bit!!
God I'm so mad and hurt and jealous! I didn't talk to him for a such a long time and then when we do I ve met someone!

I feel like deleting him but still can't!
I said its better if we never talk again he said I'm sorry! I feel so bad because I feel guilty for lossing him by the way I reacted back then! And he said that's the reason for me leaving!!
Please opinions... justlooking, tal, homegirl,?
Why I still love him and if he loves me that torture having to think of him with her now!
SEVILLE

It seems you keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. If you don't take time to get to know the men you are dating and to let them get to know you, you have no idea if they are interested for the right reasons or if they are even compatible with you. You aren't a teenager any longer. Don't let your impulses lead to mistakes. Take control of yourself and your desires. I'm not saying it's wrong to kiss on a first date, but the way you describe it the man had one intention - to get back to your place. How do you know he was really interested in getting to know you versus looking just for sex? I have the impression you are looking for more than sex at this point, so do yourself a favor and take your time. When things get so physical so soon, often a relationship does not develop.

Keep working on yourself, feeling positive, and being a joy to be around. The dance lessons seem like a lot of fun. The splits story is cute. Good luck on the job, but keep looking at other jobs in case it doesn't work out. Don't just wait to hear on this one.

It sounds like your ex is trying to be friends. The problem with that is you are not over him yet, and you wont get over him if you keep false hope. Did you ever read the stickies in this forum? This one would be a great start:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-get-him-her-back-187766.html

It's full of a lot of insight. One line stands out to me as being important for you to consider. Live and instead of trying to figure out how to get him back focus on getting yourself back. Even beyond getting yourself back, you may need to find yourself or the new you to begin with - you can do it. :)
Hello all its seville!:(
I 've just had a long chat on msn with my ex about everything that's happened and our past relationship and that he still loves me and I love him! He said I wasn't there for him when he went through a bad time of becoming illegal!! I said I was and that I was scared in the beginning but after I was used to it and wanted him to leave his things!
He said now he has a new a job and he goes out all the time even on Saturday morning he gets up early and does stuff as before with me he was in depression and never wanted to go out!! Then he comes out with he's found a newgirlfriend who's caring for him and being there for him. AND HE LOVES HER BUT SHE Doesn't KNOW YET! I was sick to the stomach I said please don't tell me the details!!
I wanted to go off line but we continued to talk of course everythings rosy there in his country where the sun is shining the beach life of leisure of course its different!
Here he was fighting for his rights and not right and I had to live through that and he brought me down with all that even though I stood by him for love and now he's gone and met someone a liban girl! I can't breath with shock! I said once you get bored you ll be off like you always do he said no so all of sudden he's become the perfect gentlemen!! I'm sure so upset!! We told each other we loved each other but he has a new life I said why didn't u take me with you and he's convinced that I didn't want him here so why would he bring me there!! Which is crazy I was there for him!! I feel so bad how he can be he said its just the start of his new story with her!! I've been going through hell for the last yr over this guy who I loved dearly.
I can't believe it then I said I wish you guys happiness he said I was the one he wanted to marry and have children with but I disappointed him when he became illegal!
That was human nature that I freaked out a bit!!
God I'm so mad and hurt and jealous! I didn't talk to him for a such a long time and then when we do I ve met someone!

I feel like deleting him but still can't!
I said its better if we never talk again he said I'm sorry! I feel so bad because I feel guilty for lossing him by the way I reacted back then! And he said that's the reason for me leaving!!
Please opinions... justlooking, tal, homegirl,?
Why I still love him and if he loves me that torture having to think of him with her now!
SEVILLE
I feel like wtitting him an email with all the things I want to say!!

What does it mean to 'become illegal?' You mean he got deported for being illegal? What's a liban? Were you OK with him leaving the country because you were upset that he was illegal, but now are upset that he found someone back home? Are you regretting that you freaked out? Did you tell him you're sorry about it?
Sorry for the quiz when I feel bad that you are suffering. I guess it doesn't help much to say that I have suffered too - who hasn't? Grab some friends and ask them to drag you around with them even if you are a basket case. The more friends holding you up, the less burden on each one while you feel like SH*T. Maybe that woman won't last and you can go see him after a while... be patient, keep in touch, stay cool but tell him you still care.

Seville, I'm starting to feel like I'm part of a reality series starring the beautiful, sexy, femme fatale, Seville.. Can't wait for next weeks episode. "Seville falls in love,,,,again"

You should have stayed NC.
Did all of this talk do you any good? Did you really think things would magically go back to the way things were?
You have had this talk and now you feel lousy and want to send another email. It never ends that is why you don't break NC.
Now get back on it. He is with someone else. Maybe he thought telling you he loves you would make you feel better. But if he loved you, he'd be with you.
Time to accept reality and move on.

No Comment!!

Seville,

Just in case you didn't get Tal's point, go No Contact. If you had done that a year ago, you would have been so much better off. I guess the good in this conversation is that maybe now you will realize that he has moved on. I think he is playing with your emotions and stringing you along. He's obviously been seeing this girl for a while. I'll go back to the quote in that post you added on to:

Live and instead of trying to figure out how to get him back focus on getting yourself back.

It's really what you need to do. You can't go on the way you are as you are getting no where. Eventually you have to move forward - why not make it now? Don't contact him in any way. Allow yourself to move forward. I know it's hard, but it won't get any easier. All the problems that existed when you first posted still exist. Do something about that.

Read this thread. At least it's a start in the right direction.
[https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-get-him-her-back-510410.html

Seville, if you keep walking in a circle, guess what , you end up where you started. Maybe it's time to get off the "merry go round?"

Seville, if you keep walking in a circle, guess what , you end up where you started. Maybe it's time to get off the "merry go round?"

Thanks but that doesn't make me feel better, now what !yeah that hurts but he had to tell me it was his revenge! He would have told me by email I didn't look to talk to him! I want to send an email and tell him that he abused me and all the things, he thinks were normal to himetc... then he will have have that last memory of how he treated me... then delete him from msn!I need to do somehing and get it off my chest before I delete! Hes not the mr nice guy, she will be in for a long rollercoaster ride!

It would do you so much good to read the stickies. This one addresses those feelings you are having.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-510418.html

We all have those feelings (of revenge, hurt, wanting to get back) when something doesn't work out, but they won't get you anywhere. He'll be left with a feeling that he is better off without you. You'll still feel bad. If you want revenge, you go on to a happy life and forget about him. That's the sweetest revenge, and it's the healthiest one for you. Stop thinking about him and what will happen. He'll get what he deserves, either way.

You know my story. I could have been consumed by self pity. Where would that have gotten me? Instead, I chose to improve myself and my life. I chose to leave the past behind me. I chose happiness over revenge. You can do that, too. Your life will be much happier and more complete if you do.

It would do you so much good to read the stickies. This one addresses those feelings you are having.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-510418.html

We all have those feelings (of revenge, hurt, wanting to get back) when something doesn't work out, but they won't get you anywhere. He'll be left with a feeling that he is better off without you. You'll still feel bad. If you want revenge, you go on to a happy life and forget about him. That's the sweetest revenge, and it's the healthiest one for you.

Stop thinking about him and what will happen. He'll get what he deserves, either way.

Thank you! He said its just started with her recently and that he loves her and with all his soul! That she looks after him and she's helping him rebuild his life! The circumstances are so different now nothing to worry about where he is and here it was stress with his situation!
I said it wasn't my fault what happened to you! He just kept enphasising on the fact that I let him down when he couldn't take his stuff and that's what triggered him leaving me!
Do you think it was that? Or was I mean to not have let him straight away?because 2days later I said it was fine! Instead he upset me and said its too late and left! But you know the rest of the story! Now the guilt trip is on! A libaneese girl both muslims so maybe he can now do what he wants when he wants including other girls and she won't say a word that's the culture unless its changed! The best revenge would be to delete him right?I wish I could do it but will as well SOME TIME SOON that's like really it and hell know I'm upset by doing it but I don't care at this stage! My last words were don't want to talk anymore, seville is gone forever! I guess he knows it hurt by telling me its just the worst feeling!! I was starting to feel better these last few weeks!
I know you're all right no contact everyone on here realises it sooner or later but when you get some contact from them you loose all the work and feelings overtake, especially on msn so easy to talk back and curious of how he's doing! We just talked as normal in the beginning and then baff..!
Don't think that all your advice and opinions you guys didn't help, they did I have moved on in a way and progressed in my personnel life!
But boy did that blow me away! Saying still loves me and loved me like crazy etc.. its not fair and doesn't make sense!As you say justlooking
He'll get what he deserves either way but I do wish him luck because he was part of my life and I hope that he's happy! That's all! Its just a guilt feeling for the rest! And kind of envious of them together in the far away land!

Thanks hoping to heal completely one day in future!!

To quote the immortal words of the very wise Talaniman

NO COMMENT

You aren't alone in having a setback. Hopefully you now have a better understanding of how no contact will help you. Please read the stickies. As we've been saying, find ways to make yourself happy. Don't rely on men to do that. Find a job. Keep taking your classes. Get back to your joking ways - you have a great sense of humor. Don't allow him to hurt you again. Have a good cry if you need to, but then pick yourself up and get to work on improving your life. You are the only one that can do that... and you can do it. You just have to change your ways. We've all given you advice on how to do that. :)

Yes, we CAN do it! Love is all about both ends... love is never easy and there is no meant to be... only hard earn love with supreme trust.

Should i ask him how he is on MSN?


NO, absolutely not! As a matter of fact, stay off his facebook page.

Shame you didn't listen, because then you would have avoided the drama you now have in your heart :mad:

It doesn't matter anymore the why's or how's.
All that matters is this: ITS OVER!!!!

It would do you so much good to read the stickies. This one addresses those feelings you are having.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-510418.html

We all have those feelings (of revenge, hurt, wanting to get back) when something doesn't work out, but they won't get you anywhere. He'll be left with a feeling that he is better off without you. You'll still feel bad. If you want revenge, you go on to a happy life and forget about him. That's the sweetest revenge, and it's the healthiest one for you. Stop thinking about him and what will happen. He'll get what he deserves, either way.

You know my story. I could have been consumed by self pity. Where would that have gotten me? Instead, I chose to improve myself and my life. I chose to leave the past behind me. I chose happiness over revenge. You can do that, too. Your life will be much happier and more complete if you do.

Hi again!
I admire your strength of character!! I wish I could be happy and move on soon!! I've been awake allnight, I feel awful with a headache and dizzyiness! I just feel like I'm left hanging on a piece of thread, and don't feel complete after lastnight like I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say before closure! He and I was writing so fast with everythng we thought and my fingers kind of slowed down with trying to say everything!I couldn't type fast enough!
Its horrorfying why does this guy want to keep hurting me right to the end! As a booyfriend he never hardly called me after our get together and just didn't make much of an effort! Now as his life is easier he's going to be a real boyfriend to her as it seems! That's the worst! Who knows his true colours will come through after comfort zone is through!
He said he would never come back here that it destroyed him. The fact that his brother through him on the street, he said he's still weak from what he went through, and she's helping him! I have read the other threads no one can help you build a new life, its up to yourself! She'll feel like me eventually doing everything for him and to making him feel better! In the end you get nothing back and back fires! I consider that I was perfectly normal with him and respected him and was a good girlfriend, and it could have been a lovely story but he just destroyed what we had and broke the trust by lack of maturity.. Maybe he made it up about the girl that its just a flirt and nothing and trying to make me feel bad! At the beginning of the conversation he said he would set up a dance show for me in his country as its quite popular for dance! If he's with someone would he arrange that! Whatever!
I do feel a better since a few months and feel things are so simple, at the time I got anxious and worried about the outcome of everything! The fatal mistake! And lost a chance of a good career and was blinded by love! When he was going through all his pain I went through it too and now he's not one bit worried about what happens to me and gone. I say never help or love anyone love doesn't exist, it's a waste of time and so far I don't want anyone! How could I have given my heart and soul to someone who played with my mind? You would have to know him to understand how anyone could get sucked in!! My feelings for him just seem to come to the surface especially since yesterday!which is normal, but its unbareable with this other one!
Thanks again for giving me some moral!!





I have to delete him soon before I see something else I won't like!
But feel I haven't said eveything !Before with an ex I texted how I felt to him to say it was over and why and felt better! I'm going to a dance class later and will hopefully take this stress away!!

Nice rant, now delete him forever.

Nice rant, now delete him forever.

Women and some men need to rant to get to the bottom of the b... s..
And helps to evacuate the stress and eventually come to a decision!
It seems that you're annoyed at me for chatting with him and I don't blame you, but I was beyond expecting him to come out with that..
As for months we never talked about those things, work, and stuff, me too I was seeing someone for 2months or so but didn't rub his face in it! I know that would have hurt him. I was too busy going out to places with him to even go on line!
Sorry to cheese you off,its just too fresh for the moment and is sinking in!
I just need some stern words from you guys! Also that I didn't wreck the chance with him by not letting him put his things to begin with! As he seemed to talk about that a lot! Do you think it was really that? What would you have done in my situation? I think it was a number of different things, no job no situation conflict with brother etc.. And my quick but bad reaction! You still would give the person a chance in undertanding what the person was faced with!
Sorry to rant but this is the only way to sooth my rushing thoughts!!

You are prolonging your own misery. What ever else you might want to say to him is not going to make one bit of difference to him. It will not make him come back and if he did, you would be always waiting for him to walk out again. Delete him and be done with it.

I think this dude was going to walk any way. Stop feeling guilty. There were probably red flags you were ignoring. This was not meant to be

Your analyzing this too much.

It doesn't matter anymore. If he wants to blame you. Who cares?
If he never takes responsibility for his own actions/choices then he'll just make the same mistakes the next time around. That's his business.

Dwell on the excuses he gave you for the separation all you like but it doesn't change anything.. Its still over isn't it?

Your analyzing this too much.

It doesnt matter anymore. If he wants to blame you. Who cares?
If he never takes responsibility for his own actions/choices then he'll just make the same mistakes the next time around. Thats his business.

Dwell on the excuses he gave you for the seperation all you like but it doesnt change anything.. Its still over isnt it?

You're right not good to dwell on the reasons. It hurt how he brought up the reasons again after such a long time he still feels strongly about it. Back then, I think I reacted that way to protect myself, without knowing it! Instincts kicked in. Somewhere a redlight came on. For that, for him it was the end. I think he was going to leave anyway because he had no situation to continue living like that. He likes to rub it in because he knows I care about him.
Could you give me your point of view, will he treat this girl the way he treated me? hardly making an effort and being an ***!
I know its ridiculous to be still thinking about all this! I need to get it off my chest once and for all!
I'm still thinking about sending an email, I know it might not make a difference, it would just let him know that I knew what was going on with his lies etc.. And his manipulating ways. I could put it in context with exemples of the horrible things he put me through! If he thinks he did nothing wrong and he's so great, well he will realise his actions, maybe not now but in a few years time! Then be done with him! I think it would liberate me!!
Any opinions?

I'm still thinking about sending an email, i know it might not make a difference, it would just let him know that i knew what was going on with his lies etc.. and his manipulating ways. I could put it in context with exemples of the horrible things he put me through! if he thinks he did nothing wrong and hes so great, well he will realise his actions, maybe not now but in a few years time! Then be done with him! I think it would liberate me!!!
Any opinions?

I think this is a horrible idea and it wouldn't serve any good whatsoever. If you think you can somehow guilt him into changing who he is, you're dead wrong. If you had that much power over him you would still be together, but luckily, you aren't.

You liberate yourself, not him. So stop giving him so much control over your emotions and your life. I have read this thread from start to finish and the one common theme I see is lack of self reliance. I cannot sit here and let you off the hook for creating this own mess you find yourself in. Yes, breakups are awful and your situation didn't work out. That's life. Rely on yourself to make the changes you need to make YOU happy. You aren't anyone's puppet, so stop acting like it. Maybe it's just me, but every time you get solid advice on how to make tangible changes that will actually have a lasting effect, the conversation is turned back onto focusing your attention on someone else (usually another guy).

It's obvious you are an attractive and smart women, so don't waste that on meaningless ventures that get you nowhere.

It's cliché, but the best revenge you can have right now is to go on, find something you like doing and develop a long term solution to your problems. This doesn't mean finding a man, it means finding an identity.

Girls sending that e-mail will be so lame. It is an act of desperation and it is not attractive.
You are dragging this into the mud. You'll send that email then think some more and send another, GET OVER IT! This guy is not going to care one way or the other.

The best revenge is to live well without him and right now you are giving this guy control.

I think this is a horrible idea and it wouldn't serve any good whatsoever. If you think you can somehow guilt him into changing who he is, you're dead wrong. If you had that much power over him you would still be together, but luckily, you aren't.

You liberate yourself, not him. So stop giving him so much control over your emotions and your life. I have read this thread from start to finish and the one common theme I see is lack of self reliance. I cannot sit here and let you off the hook for creating this own mess you find yourself in. Yes, breakups are awful and your situation didn't work out. That's life. Rely on yourself to make the changes you need to make YOU happy. You aren't anyone's puppet, so stop acting like it. Maybe it's just me, but every time you get solid advice on how to make tangible changes that will actually have a lasting effect, the conversation is turned back onto focusing your attention on someone else (usually another guy).

It's obvious you are an attractive and smart women, so don't waste that on meaningless ventures that get you nowhere.

It's cliche, but the best revenge you can have right now is to go on, find something you like doing and develop a long term solution to your problems. This doesn't mean finding a man, it means finding an identity.

Hello everyone,

This is an update! Well my ex contacted me again last Monday, saying "I'm a pitty and embarassed, but my brother is back in town to take over his fathers business and i had an arguement with my brother and my sister and i packed my bags and left". Now he is homeless walking in the streets of his hometown. He said he slept outside his office and got up at 6am for work, but he isin't earning enough to get his own place, and only has a small amount of money till the end of the month. Only enough to eat for the next few days and would it be possible to help him!
I said what about your new girlfriend I thought she was helping you to construct your life? He replied with a minute of reflexion its over with her he broke up with her last Thursday! (really:confused:)?
He said I'm the only person he can talk to about this as his friends would not understand as in his country your family never throw you out no matter what! He said "i'm i weird or is it the others"?or do I have badluck"?
Anyway I tried to make him feel a bit better with some encouraging words! he said "thank you for your presence".
We spoke that night, I had been out that night with a friend for dinner and had a few glasses of wine. So when we spoke I mentioned the past and said a few emotional things.:rolleyes: I also said i hope he found a solution and things would get better for him, etc.
Two days past and asked him how he was? He said "he was living with a friend for a few days! Thanks for worrying" After I said i we could talk tonight he said its better if we didn't after our last conversation he doesn't want to be reminded of his past etc.. I said i understand it was normal if we spoke briefly about the past after such a long time. I would speak of the present he said the present is s***!
SO I said "I see take care and sorry to have disturbed you"!

Anyway I felt bad that day! I don't know why he keeps gettig back to me?I do care about him and would hate to think he's homeless!
What's your opinions?
Thanks:)

He is a big boy, and can solve his own problems for himself, and doesn't need your help, and you should still get it through your head to leave him alone, you big softie.

whats your opinions?
Thanks:)

He's using you

It suits him to call you looking for a bit of sympathy because life is crap for him.
He made the life he has. Leave him too it and don't get sucked into the drama.

Im pretty sure if it was a reverse situation you'd be on your own.

First of all, it is not really clear what went down with the two of you leading up to him becoming "illegal", but the situation is out of your control at this point. He is in another country and has found somebody else and despite what he has said to you regarding his feelings towards you, you now need to move on and live your life. You can't sit around waiting for him to come back, or to come around, because life is too short to sit around and wait for somebody when it is not clear if there is hope for you as a couple. There is not just one person for everyone, so go out there and enjoy your life.

Good Luck,

Javi

He is an ex, and for what every reason it happened, he is being nice but he has moved on.

And until you get on with no contact, delete them as friends on all of those contact sites.
You may live in the past, live in pain and continue to look for reasons. Or you can live you life and move on

First of all, it is not really clear what went down with the two of you leading up to him becoming "illegal", but the situation is out of your control at this point. He is in another country and has found somebody else and despite what he has said to you regarding his feelings towards you, you now need to move on and live your life. You can't sit around waiting for him to come back, or to come around, because life is too short to sit around and wait for somebody when it is not clear if there is hope for you as a couple. There is not just one person for everyone, so go out there and enjoy your life.

Good Luck,

Javi

Hello,
Thanks for your reply! He became illegal after a two yr relationship his visa expired, it's a long story I have wrote about it in my other thread on relationships! He contacted me last week on I'm and he has problems with his family and left home, so he had no where to go. He slept outside his office until he had to go to work!
I asked him about his girlfriend he said its over with her, a week before he broke it off. I think he wanted simpathy from me as I always gave it to him in the past.
We spoke on the phone that night after almost a year of not speaking directly only on I'm, and he was feeling down and I spoke of the past the present and the future and said some emotional things about how I felt :rolleyes: but don't regret saying it as it was a long time and I needed to say certain things. But at the same time I should have spoke more of finding him a solution etc.. Not all about me and us!

Two days later I asked him how he was he said he was staying at a friends for a few days. I said hope things get better for you. He thanked me I said I could call him that night he said its not a good idea after our last conversation when I spoke of the past it made hm suffer! O well!
I'm just a bit sad now and miss him after talking to him it was like he was right here in front of me. I know its unrealistic as he's in another country and not a lot of opportunitys there.
I was thinking of sending him a mail saying I hope he's OK and found a more permanent solution! That's all!?

Thanks again!

Umm, I don't think you should. Give him some space and let him make his own choices, if he wanted to talk to you then he would, and it seems like he doesn't (at least for right now) so stop pushing stuff on him. Just let him be and if he talks to you great but if he doesn't it would be better that you have already started to move on with your life.

Good Luck,

Javi

Just can't let go, can you??

Just can't let go, can you???

Hi Talaniman,
How are you?
I guess not! I think its just plain love and how I still feel about him! Hes also going through a hard time and I just wanted to give him a bit of support, but at the same time happy that he turned to me still remembering I was always there for him! And now he's gone cold again, but can understand he hasn't a situation to talk, I was probably too much but that's just me I can express myself about anything very freely and openly go straight to the point, but brief without regret no point in hiding thoughts and feelings . At same time I was supportive towards him, so I believe I did nothing wrong!

At the moment its not so easy for me, still waiting for replys for jobs as I don't have a fixed job yet. I'm lonely and friends are not always available. So I have a lot of free time and feel like things are not moving along swiftly but my patience is running out. I'm sure something good will arise soon in the mean time I tend to think about my ex, and get angry with myself for how things have turned out.
Well I won't dwell there's a lot worse than me in the world. Things can only get better...
Happy Halloween!!
Thanks for your comments!:)