Okay, so here is the facts:

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for over 2.5 years. I love her very much and I really want to be with her forever. Here is the problem though. We had discussed the issue of porn about a year ago and she told me how she felt about it and how she did not want me to look at it anymore. I agreed and did stop.

However, when I stopped looking at it she seemed to lose interest in me sexually. I attempted to discuss the issue with her several times but she would just get mad at me. Now she has always had trust issues and even though I had always been honest with her she would always get mad at me thinking I was lying to her. Which I was not. However after about six months of not looking at porn I started again because our sex life became very infrequent. Although I had tried to talk to her about it nothing had been resolved and we started having sex maybe 3 - 5 times a month. Now this would not be a large issue except for that we are both in our twenty's.

Now I only looked at porn 3 or 4 times since I started again and it would be maybe for ten minutes. Then I would stop. I merely get aroused by the act and think about her always. However I finally told her the truth and needless to say she is very upset. She obviously no longer believes anything I tell her. Now it just happened a few days ago and I am determined to work at this with her and make things work. She says she is willing to work on it but is convenienced I will screw up. Which feel is a fair assumption. I am not saying I will not do something stupid but I will not lie to her again that's for sure. I feel terrible and really want to fix things.

What can I expect in this situtation? I want to save things but will it work? She will be fine one minute and then angry and hurt the next. Will this pass over time?

Just really need some advice right now on where to go from here.

Thanks in advance.

Were you at some point addicted to porn?

I would say so. I had been looking at it since I was twelve and I was asked to stop when I was 22.

Hello x:

Yeah, we have women here all the time who think that looking at porn somehow means we don't love 'em. NOTHING could be farther from the truth...

But, YOU, my friend, NEED to tell her that. If she can't handle you being who you are, which is a normal, healthy, heterosexual guy, you need to throw her to the curb.

Watch porn, and be PROUD of it.

excon

Do not misunderstand she is a great girl and I do not want "kick her to the curb" I am willing to make the change I just want us to be able to get over this issue.

Normally, when people take issue with porn and the like, it could be anything from religious beliefs to personal preference. But more often than not, there's an insecurity or lack of self-esteem at the root of it. Just let her know that you think she beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, everything you could ever want... Tell her that you love her and only her and that you'd give anything to be with her.. even porn.

And from there on, you can do one of three things. (1) Never watch porn again and find some other outlet. Maybe just use your imagination (2) Talk to her, build her confidence and try to help her understand that your relationship with the women on the porn tube isn't real, and doesn't mean anything. Maybe she'll come around and have less of a problem with it (3) You can just go on watching porn in secret. Most guys play this card anyway. I've got friends who's girlfriends think they jerk off to the thought of them (lol, it couldn't be further from the truth, but honestly, both parties seem happier for it)

It's all up to you, but the thing is, I know you love her because you pretty much cut off your right hand for her. I think the best thing you can do is just continue to express to her how deep your feelings are for her.

Do not misunderstand she is a great girl and I do not want "kick her to the curb" I am willing to make the change I just want us to be able to get over this issue.Hello again, x:

Dude! Great girls do NOT require us to change. Besides, you AIN'T going to change! The problem ISN'T wacking off. It's PROMISING not to wack off, when wacking off to porn is WHAT WE DO. We even do it when a beautiful girl is waiting in the bedroom for us to take her. I don't know why. Maybe we're deficient. They certainly think so.

But, I can tell you this. It does NOT mean we love 'em any less.

excon

Its not right that she sld ask you to stop watching porn, every bloke does, I sit and watch it with my hubby! It's a great way to get things going on a quiet evening in (likewe need an excuse lol)
Lying is wrong but at theend of the day if she cared she wouldn't stop you frombeing who you are

The thing is I really do "whack it" to her. She is the one I want. I have no problem with not looking at porn and it would not have been an issue in the first place but it seemed as though she lost all interest me sexually.

I never lost any interest in her. We tend to whack it to what we want. What I want is her. The issue now is making her see that since she thinks everything I say is a lie.

it would not have been an issue in the first place but it seemed as though she lost all interest me sexually.... The issue now is making her see that since she thinks everything I say is a lie.Hello again, x:

You've got bigger problems than porn and broken promises... No young lady should EVER lose interest in her beau, unless she's got some underlying problem...

But, you're right. Once you lie, who knows if the next word out of your mouth might be a lie too? From MY perspective, you need to find a girl who DOESN'T compel you to lie, so that you measure up to her needs. When you're loved for WHO you are, it's soooooo much better than being loved because you can fool her.

excon

Will she watch porn with you? You know it's a big turn on for us women too.

The thing is this is the only thing I lied about. I have always been honest with her (not that it does a lot of good). I do not want to lie I just want things to work out with her. Regardless of the fact she does not seem to be into me sexually she has a good heart.

I just want things to work out with her. Regardless of the fact she does not seem to be into me sexually she has a good heart.Hello X:

If you're 70, a good heart might suffice... But, if you're a young horny dude, it ain't happening. Lots of people sacrifice their lives for I don't know what. Maybe you're one of 'em.

excon

Perhaps. I think my main concern now is that she is still with me but I am having a hard time being able to tell whether she really wants to work on things.

I feel the best way to work on things is to move on and if she is having a particularly bad day then we can discuss it but. But so far I am pretty much just getting the cold shoulder.

You are not going to "fix" anything in a day, or a week, or maybe even a year, so you have admitted your mistakes, and made yet another promise just like the other one, so now you have to keep it (I would never have made that promise), so do so, and back off and let her process things in her own time.

Your problem as I see it is your to willing to please her without any explanation as to what she is feeling or thinking, and you boxed yourself into a corner on this one.

If she can make demands, then she darn better explain why she is making them, and you should never give in until you have all the facts to satisfy you, and can decide if its do able or not.

Just as you have to live with her unreasonable wacky crap, so does she have to do the same about yours. That's keeping it real, and being honest. And don't make promises you can't keep, that's crazy, and as you see, causes problems.

If talking to her about certain things makes her upset, then crawl in your man cave until she ain't upset. But don't expect any over night changes for the better, or you will be sleeping on the couch, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am findng that the she is confusing me in this situation. She tells me she wants to work on things but then tells me she does not think things will work. I am then told how we need to spend more time apart. But the thing is if I spend more time with my friends she will always think I am up to something.

It begins to become very complex.

It begins to become very complex.Hello again, X:

Look. They're confusing even at their BEST. We ain't never going to figure 'em out. But, this one, good heart or not, is bonkers. Let her go...

excon

Its not as easy as that. I love her alot.Hello again, X:

Of course you do. And, I still love my ex wife. But, that doesn't mean we could live together. It takes MORE than love.

excon

What else does it take then?

We are still young it just seems as like even though she tells me she wants to work at things the next she tells me is how she can not "look at me". She has told me that she wants to be in a Relationship with me but sees no future for us anymore.

She has told me that she wants to be in a Relationship with me but sees no future for us anymore.

How does that work? A relationship is all about developing with each other into the future.

I am pretty confused on how that works as well.

What else does it take then?Hello again, X:

That kind of love quickly wears off. If you're lucky, it's replaced by a love based on understanding and mutual respect. When those qualities abound, agreements can be made that are based on truth and reason. Then it's the KEEPING of those agreements that count.

But, agreements made (like yours) based on a fear of loss, never work.

She knows it too. Maybe that's why she's not so turned on to you these days. I don't know. But, these problems are only worth working out, as long as, in the interim, you're getting laid, and laid well. But once THAT'S gone, the only thing you're going to get is grief.

excon

I just don't understand why so many women are against porn, I like a previous poster often watch porn myself it's a fact of life, we humans are curious about the sex act, and many enjoy watching it and that's all they're doing watching it.

Its not a sin, and if it has led to you being dishonest about this pastime (which is basically what it is) then I would seriously reconsider where you're going in this relationship, I get the feeling your girl is trying to control you, have you suggested you watch it together?

Have you explained to her that it doesn't prevent you becoming aroused with or for her.

Men have always and will always like to watch porn and even buy porn mags for self pleasure purposes,

Involve your girlfriend in this past time she might then look at it in a different light, you can but try.

Good Luck, if its porn she's banning you from this week, ask yourself what will she ban you from doing in the future.

Breathing.

Or you could just keep it to yourself, that's not being dishonest its preventing a confrontation.

What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Im all in favour of being honest but when it means you are ordered to do this or that then its often better to keep things to yourself.


About (PositiveParenting) (http://sites.google.com/site/posparent)

I don't think this has anything to do with porn.

It is a convenient excuse to have you stop something that makes her insecurities uncomfortable for her. Conveniently, you taking the bait, pretty much gets her off the hook for answering to why she is so insecure about herself, that she has to control you.

What she has discovered is that it works. She doesn't like the porn, so you stop. Nothing changes, and what does change is that sex is infrequent. And she somehow turns it all into a lie when you go back to porn, and slight her once again.

If it wasn't porn, it would be golf or fishing, or you spending too much time doing things and slighting her. (If it isn't already).

So, if you use porn, and stop, and nothing changes, and you go back to porn, and still nothing changes, I have to ask you, have you considered that porn is not the problem at all?

I agree Jake2008... had to spread the rep... :)

I believe insecurity is likely the underlying issue. Could be she is unhappy about her looks in some way, unsure of her appeal to you... regardless of you telling her that isn't the case, who knows.

Have you come right out and told her that you would like more frequent sex with her? If so, what does she say? Many couples have a difference in their sex drives, but they usually come to some sort of compromise.

Do you know if she had a bad experience with a previous partner and porn?

positiveparent: I think many women don't like it because of self-esteem issues. It is sometimes seen as another way society shows women are only sexy or desirable if they look a certain way. If it's a mutual activity, great... but the problems often arise when sneaking around is involved.

I think she is no longer into you sexually and and because she wasn't giving it up, you started watching pron again to get off. That's cool, I have no problem with that. She is pissed because you went back to doing what she told you not to do and you promised not to do.

So if your girl doesn't like it and you do, and she gives you an ultimatum, you walk or you do what she says. It's your choice.
When a person says "me or the porn" or "me or whatever" that is about control.

I don't think all women who are not into porn have issues with how they feel about themselves. Some women just don't see the point. It is not a turn on. I don't like watching men prance around in G-strings. A lot of women do. I think they look gay. It does nothing for me. Porn is OK but once you've seen one, no big deal. It is not something I get a kick out of.

I just dont understand why so many women are against porn,


About (PositiveParenting) (http://sites.google.com/site/posparent)

Couple things. I can't speak for all women, but I think I can speak for many who don't care for it. It isn't about not feeling LOVED if your spouse looks at porn. It is more that it cheapens it and it makes sex dirty instead of beautiful and intimate. Women are just not as visual as men.

Couple things. I can't speak for all women, but I think I can speak for many who don't care for it. It isn't about not feeling LOVED if your spouse looks at porn. It is more that it cheapens it and it makes sex dirty instead of beautiful and intimate. Women are just not as visual as men.

I agree. It cheapens it. Takes the beautiful intimacy out of it. I find it tacky.

It is more that it cheapens it and it makes sex dirty instead of beautiful and intimate.

Why? Why does that have to be the case? In reality, there is no real relationship between a man and his porn. It's just a tool. Jerking off to porn, doesn't make relations with your s/o any less special. The way I see it, the men and women of porn aren't real, they don't exist in reality (in the real world). And because they are not real, and you are having to real personal interaction with them, your relationship with and to them IS NOT REAL, it means NOTHING.

I'll admit, I wouldn't want to think about my girlfriend DJ'in it up to some other dude's cock, but girls are different. I know for her, using imagination to get there is much easier than it is for me. Like I know she can get off on just the thought of me. I can do the same with her... but it takes SOOOOO much longer. And it'd be that way thinking of ANY girl. Porn is just so much easier than using imagination (for guys, or at least for me).

Men and women are fundamentally different. I think the biggest issue here is understanding that, and accepting one another for who they are. She may not be able to fully comprehend what the experience is like for you, but she needs to try. She should be able to trust you when you say that porn takes NOTHING away from what the two of you share.

Why? Why does that have to be the case? In reality, there is no real relationship between a man and his porn. It's just a tool. Jerking off to porn, doesn't make relations with your s/o any less special. The way I see it, the men and women of porn aren't real, they don't exist in reality (in the real world). And because they are not real, and you are having to real personal interaction with them, your relationship with and to them IS NOT REAL, it means NOTHING

I'm happy to answer that. I don't want to hijack the thread but I can give some insight into this I think. Women discuss Everything when we talk.

I agree it has to do about insecurity. Some women don't like thinking that their s/o could be attracted to other women. They KNOW in their mind that men are men but to actually see it can be devastating. To watch him get an erection over someone else... makes them feel insecure or as if they are not pretty enough, sexy enough or whatever. Right or wrong.

Also you say that there is no real relationship between the man and his porn but many women feel their man will want to recreate what they saw. It can be upsetting.

The thing is women and men are wired different... men see it as nothing... women can see it as a threat.

The thing is women and men are wired different...men see it as nothing...women can see it as a threat.Hello again, T:

That's why the EMPATHY word was used. I KNOW wimmin don't get it. That ain't OUR fault. Look, wimmin get all gushy reading about Brett and Scarlett. What's the diff? Men, understand that, though, and it doesn't take anything away from them. Wimmin need to get on board, or they're going to LOSE their man.

excon

Ex,

You aren't being fair to the woman. You are writing her off as insecure and trying to change him. If my s/o felt insecure about something I would want to reassure him. What is wrong with that??

Is porn more important than a relationship with her? Am I the only one that thinks that is crazy?


EX,

LOL LOL.. RHett and Scarlett!

I don't know a guy that can't give up a looking at a naked girl that ain't even real... not sure he is worth keeping.

Is porn more important than a relationship with her? Am I the only one that thinks that is crazy?

It's not porn... Porn is the just the vehicle that gets a guy where he's trying to go. For a guy, doing it with just your imagination is like going from Detroit to Chicago on horseback. With porn, it's like having your own private jet. It's faster, it's easier, and it's just so much less of a hassle.

But again, it's not that porn is what's important... IT'S GETTING TO CHICAGO.

For most guys, we've been going to Chicago one to three times a day since like fourth grade. A normal guy would much rather go to Chicago with his girlfriend rather than alone, but, she won't always be around, and Chicago is always there... it's a familiar place and we know the route by heart.

I think too it can be an issue of just how much porn viewing is going on. It can be an occasional thing for some or it can be compulsory for others. Some have no "need" for it at all. They may notice a pretty woman walking down the street, but do not feel the need to bring women up online or purchase magazines to look at.

As classyT stated, it often is a security issue. Many women don't understand the reason for it if a living and breathing woman is right there and available. Others may wonder why they aren't enough for their partner if he feels the need to look at other women to get things going.

Self-esteem issues can come into play if their partner is looking at these 20 something's who are always made up, in great shape, no housework to do, no obligations to tend to, no kids to take care of, etc.. Yes, it is not reality, but some women wonder if men are wishing it were their reality and it can really play on their sense of self-esteem if they feel there is no competing with that. Women want to feel that they are enough for their partner, that they are desired by their partner, and that their partner is turned on by them. I know men don't see it that way, however.

I think plenty of women "know" that their partners imagine other people when they are with them intimately, women often do the same, but they just don't want to be reminded of it. Knowing that their partner is looking at porn, getting turned on, and coming to them with that image in their mind can make them feel like the intimacy with, and desire for, them is taken out of it. They are simply a dock for your ship once you've taken this fabulous cruise with some unknown person.

Again, men and women are wired differently. To the OP I think discussing with her point blank that you want to have more sex with her is needed. Trying to work to a compromise so that you both are more satisfied in all aspects of your relationship... perhaps more from a physical standpoint for you and more from an emotional/security standpoint for her.

It's not porn... Porn is the just the vehicle that gets a guy where he's trying to go. For a guy, doing it with just your imagination is like going from Detroit to Chicago on horseback. With porn, it's like having your own private jet. It's faster, it's easier, and it's just so much less of a hassle.

But again, it's not that porn is what's important... IT'S GETTING TO CHICAGO.

For most guys, we've been going to Chicago one to three times a day since like fourth grade. A normal guy would much rather go to Chicago with his gf rather than alone, but, she won't always be around, and Chicago is always there... it's a familiar place and we know the route by heart.

I understand it completely. I think some women are bothered, however, when the fast, sporty Aston Martin Vantage is taken for a spin when the comfy '57 Chevy can get you there just as well. I understand wanting to sometimes arrive faster, and with less maintenance and upkeep involved, but the reliable Chevy is a rare find and requires regular driving as well... ;)

One just has to be sure the Chevy doesn't sit in the garage too long unattended, or that too much time isn't spent tooling around in the Vantage, or the Chevy could be out the door to the highest bidder who will show it the care and attention it deserves... :)

I don't think it is about the porn or even the lying. Though, I see it as a broken promise not a lie unless you were telling her you weren't 'looking' when you were. Broken promises can be more damaging than a 'lie' because relationships are built on promises both made and understood.

However, not only do I think she has underlying self-esteem issues, but I think she doesn't have the 'tools' to help build a healthy relationship. I would almost bet that if you looked back over her past relationships (platonic as well as romantic) there is a pattern of 'people letting her down' or huge issues popping up that cause major rifts.

IF you want to try to build a better relationship, you might look into couple's counseling. Even if you don't, I think she needs to talk to someone who does not have an interest in the relationship. Someone like a counselor, therapist, clergy, etc. I would stay away from friends and family.

Quite frankly, I think you need to decide if you want to allow her to fully control the direction the relationship is taking (not healthy for either one of you) or if you want to go about your life with room for her if she chooses to be a part of it. Either way, you need to be completely honest with her and yourself. I am for letting her know that outside help is needed for you both to learn how to set boundaries and compromises and effectively communicate with each other. She has to be willing to work with you or there is no relationship.