Ok, here we go. I apologize in advance for being all over the place. Me and my ex dated for 2 years, we are both 27 now. About a week ago she gave up on me saying she needed space. Yes I know this is a classic line, BUT its different in this case. I'll get more in depth when needed but she said that I wasn't there when she needed me to be. I could tell about 2 or 3 months ago that she was acting different. I wasn't getting the "I love you" or "I miss you" texts like she used to send all the time. (No Im 100% sure its not another guy). So when she started acting different I backed off a little bit. She has a whole lot going on right now. A job with 2nd shift hours, and she's going back to school for her 2nd masters. So she goes from 5 am until 10 pm almost everyday and has been very stressed out lately. So the weekends have been the only real time we have had together lately. Anyway, she is very very close with her family (who live 2 hrs from here) and goes home to see them a lot. I have also become close with them until the last 6 months or so. I had a few things going on to and didn't get to go home with her except for a few times. Then she starts acting different and I backed off a little. I didn't think she wanted me around. Didn't think she wanted me to go home with her to see her fam. So a week ago she tells me that I haven't been there for her and that she just isn't in love with me anymore. I know that I haven't been because I was purposly trying to give her space so I didn't get in her way. Ive told her that and that I wanted more than anything to go home with her and hang out more. This girl was head over heals in love with me just 2 months ago. I truly don't believe that she can just flip a switch. I honestly did not realize that I was doing the total opposite thing that she wanted. She says that I just now realized it but she's been waiting for a while for me to "man up" and say something. We have had several fights, big and small lately and its been like she has had zero patience with me. I don't know what to do. She says she just needs space to figure herself out. The problem is, that she knows that I backed down before (even though GOD knows I wanted to be with her I just thought she didn't want to be around me) and I don't want to back down again. I'm going over there on Wed because I told her there was no way I was going to let this go and her not know exactly how I felt. But she kept telling me its just to late and she doesn't want it anymore. However, she calls every day just about and I can hear the pain in her voice. I ask her last night if she was OK and she said no, because of all this stuff going on with us. I know she's hurting really bad. All I ever wanted was to be there for her but I played it totally backwards and now here I am. I swear I think that she is telling herself in her head that I'm not who she needs and she's being stubborn about it. I just can't believe that its not there anymore. HELP!! Do I go over there and talk to her or leave her alone or what

Be honest with her. Tell her what you told us. If she still cares about you, she would hear you out and give it another shot.

If she doesn't care, then it doesn't matter what you did or did not do in the past, because her feelings have naturally drifted away anyway. So it wouldn't have mattered if you did things differently anyway.

Honestly? You know what I think you need? I really think you two need to get away from it all for a while.

This seems (to me) like a classic case of non-verbal communication gone wrong. She was waiting for you to want to be there, you were waiting for her to want you there.

Is there any way that you can go away for the weekend or something? Just a quick get-away where you can re-connect.

Yes, she has a lot going on right now, but that isn't an excuse for her... she is just as responsible to maintain the communication in your relationship. You have acted in what you thought was support; she has translated that as disinterest.

You two need to communicate; you need to get away.

I would set something up - even if it is just going to a bed and breakfast/hotel in your town. Something that shows her that you are committed to fixing what went wrong, that you ARE there for her, and that you are "in it for the long haul."

Best of luck.

Multiple posts merged

Yes, you hit the nail on the head, that's exactly it. I would be all about that! I don't know that she would go for it though. I mean, I think she's tired of talking about it and she knows that all we would do is talk about everything the whole time.

Not trying to be negative here but how in the world am I suppose to talk her into that? And if by the grace of GOD she said OK, where would I even start? I've said a million things already and she has a ginormous wall built now

I suggest that you start by DOING something really special for her. Actions speak louder than words. Just to show her that you're willing to put in the effort. Talking can go in circles.

What did you end up doing on Valentine's Day?

I would give you ideas, but you should come up with something originally.

Not trying to be negative here but how in the world am I suppose to talk her into that? And if by the grace of GOD she said ok, where would I even start? I've said a million things already and she has a ginormous wall built now

Don't ask. Just do. Sweep her away... don't even let her pack clothes. You can pack something for her, or, if you can, just buy new stuff while you're away!

You've got to start taking the initiative... when a woman thinks that her man isn't interested anymore, he must show her that he is. This is one great way to show her that you want to work it out.

Multiple posts merged together

She left on Vday! To go to a friends house 2 hours away. None of her friends live around here. Which just makes it harder for her Im sure. I wish she had somebody to talk some sense into her. I did give her the dress that I bought her. She cried. I was going to take her out to dinner in that dress and some more stuff.

She was still living at my house (kinda had half of her stuff at my house and half at her apt) when this happened and had to stay 3 days after she said she needed space to figure things out on her own. So the last night she was there I put candles out and had a bath ready for her. She again, started crying saying that she wished I would have realized all of this before. But is late not better than never?

Also, when I told her that I wanted to go to her apt and talk to her on Wed she said "what do you need to say? are you just going to tell me how you know what you should have done before."


Ok, #1 she has a dog. Can't just leave the dog, trust me on that one that would be a BIG NO NO haha. She is the kind that will just say no though. I mean do I not ask what she's doing Friday? What if she has plans? Don't get me wrong I undersetand what you are saying

I just don't know which approach to take. I know I HAVE to do something but if I keep on and she doesn't want me to to I become that "annoying guy."


I know I'm jabbering on Im sorry. We used to text all the time. I mean all day. Should I respond to her text if she sends them? If so, how?

Or should I text or call her at all?

I think we've established that you don't give her enough attention. You're annoying in the sense that you're not putting the necessary effort.

Giving her space is not the way to go in your case, as she clearly stated that you don't spend enough time with her.

Why don't you find out when she's free and do something special with her? If she wanted to see you, she will find the time. You don't need to make so many assumptions and predictions.

You are def right. I don't mean to sound like I don't agree with you. I just have heard you say over and over that its just to late. Or she's not "in love" with me anymore. She is very stubborn and quick to build a wall too.

In the mean time, do I still text her or wait for her to text me? What kind of attitude towards her am I suppose to have?

I just sent her one asking her something about her washing machine (it broke) and she responded just fine

Ok, I asked her what kind of washer she had, she said she wasn't sure why did I want to know.

Me "I wanna figure out how to fix it"
Her "Dont worry I'll figure it out!
Thanks though."
Me "Will you please just tell me what
kind it is when you have time."
Her "I got it I promise"

See what I mean, she won't let me back in at all

I'm telling you, I still think you need to just take her away.

Find someone to sit for the dog, make sure her friends know that you're planning something, check her schedule, and go.

You've GOT to start putting effort into this. A woman likes to be won, even when she is in a relationship.

It sounds like you did start taking advantage of the relationship- assuming that since you have her she doesn't need to be wooed. That's the wrong move.

If you have any shot at this, you need to do something spontaneous, something that required prior planning on your part, something big.

I'm not going to say that there is no hope, but it sounds like you're going to have to do something.

Washer?

So much chit chat. This is what we call "all not, no action"

Get up and DO SOMETHING special for her.

I hear what you 2 are saying! I know what you mean. Please believe me when I say that I would do absolutely anything to fix this. I would and I will. But the fact is, if she refuses to go, then I can't make her go. I mean I will try and try but if she doesn't want to she won't. I'm not making excuses trying to get myself out of this or where I don't have to do anything because I want to so bad!

In the mean time, do I still "chit chat" with her in text? SHould I just act reallly light hearted?


I mean you have to know that I can't just show up and say OK c'mon lets go and expect her to be like "ok."

Im just confused... and hurt

I mean you have to know that I can't just show up and say ok c'mon lets go and expect her to be like "ok."

Im just confused....and hurt

That's exactly what I'm suggesting. Planning a weekend together is more than just showing up and saying lets go. It is a testament to your dedication to growing a relationship. It demonstrates that you spent time planning the trip, finding people to cover while you're gone, gone out of your way to show her you care.

I'm beginning to see a little why she has given up.

You've GOT to take initiative. You've got to show her you care, not be all hung up on how to respond to her texts.

You're focusing on the wrong things. Focus on showing her what she means to you. You've got to woo her...

... or you will lose her.

And she said that she hates me for taking so long to figure this out. And that it shouldn't of taken us having to break up for me to figure it out. Yes it did take that for me, it was extreme I know and I wish I would have known earlier but wouldn't she be halfway hopefull if she knows I figured it out? Instead of shutting me completely out

Ok, I think that you're a bit fixated on the idea of taking her somewhere. But making her something can be special too.

Here are some other ideas:

1) Write her a poem.
2) Make a collage of all the little things that you've accumulated together
3) Make a photo album. Print some photes and write a small note next to each photo reminding her of that special memory

There are so many things that you can do from the comforts of your own home and just giving it to her. Giving it to her would only require 10 seconds of her time. You can even drop it off at her place without interacting, which would take up 0 seconds of her time.

Once she's in a better mood, it will be easier to take her on a get-away.

Historic I do understand, I really really do. Im not being negative or scared or any of that, and my pride is completely out the window at this point trust me. BUT, do you really not see what Im talking about when I say she won't go. I love what you're saying because I'm not going to give up. I won't. She is SO stubborn and if she says no... then what do I do?


I wish - I did that stuff. I play the piano and Ive written her poems and I've written songs to her and sang them. Not since the last couple of days I haven't but I did all that before. I'm all about anythign that will help. I'm willing to do anything. If I wrote her more things or did any of that stuff she would just cry and say that she hates that I didn't realize this earlier. I can't catch a break! I don't KNOW KNOW that's how she'll act but I'm pretty sure.

I think it has a lot to do with her fam. She's really close to them and I haven't been going home with her lately as I explained in the initial post. I know her fam loves me that's not what I mean. But all of her siblings have b/f's or g/f's that live close and are around all the time. I don't and I can't be all the time. I did mess up with that aspect of things. I think they may be giving up on me too

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/she-left-me-hanging-170561-8.html

I couldn't help but notice that this thread is exactly like the one you posted two years ago, and though it certainly sounds like the same girl, a few details are a bit confusing, so my question is, Is this the same female, or another one, and what happened to the other situation?

Haha no thank god. Totally different situation. The last one was the first girl to ever break up with me and that just floored me how it felt not to be able to have somebody. This one I truly do love everything about her and I honestly think she's making a mistake. I have been wrong before, but I just think she's trying to talk herself into not giving me another shot. I mean the whole point was for me to understand and now that I do its to late?

I wish - What if I write down "one liners" every day and leave them in her door. Each one will start with: I promise to: then yada yada. Example I promise to: Laugh with you or I promise to: Inspire you. Not say anything about them just leave one a day

You learned nothing from your other experience, and it really doesn't matter what you think she is doing. Fact is she is doing it. Let her, and leave her alone. Do your own thing because you had fun while it lasted.*

Something tells me this will be like your last thread 2 years ago. Us telling you to leave her alone and you still trying to hold on.

Real men disappear when they get dumped, simply because they never try to beg someone to change their minds and take them back, and because they would rather some one be with them from their own free choice, and not by begging, tricks, or manipulations.*

Real men also know they can find what they want by keep looking, and have a great time doing it.*

Real men don't worry about what could be, and we don't cry when we don't get what we want.*

Real men disappear when they get dumped, because they know they can keep it real, and move on.*

*( Applies to REAL women Too! )

Ok buddy. I see what you are saying but back off the testosterone just a little. Im very much a "real man" but you are saying the total opposite of what the two previous to you said. I don't believe that the answer is to let it go. YES, in most cases I certainly agree with you. No doubt about it, but I don't think this is over yet. Maybe I'm being naïve, possibly, but I just don't think its over. I think she is being stubborn and has built a wall and is sitting there doing everything she can to tell herself that she made the right decision. I'm living this and yes I came for advice but work with me here a little. I don't mean you have to tell me what I want to hear, but just try to be a listener too. My GOD I sound like her now haha . But seriously, she gave up because I didn't show her enough. If you read my first post you'll see what I mean. Thank you always for your imput!

First of all, I didn't realize you two had broken up. I guess I read it wrong, but I thought she was simply voicing her concerns that she didn't feel wanted. From your original post, that is what I gathered.

Over the course of this post, I have developed an aversion to your attitude. Yes, I know that you're desperate to fix your relationship, but honestly, if you're not willing to work at one, you shouldn't be IN one.

I offered my advice to someone that I thought was struggling to re-create the spark in the relationship, not to someone who was broken up and trying to win a girl back.

Over the course of this post, to me, it seems as if the story has changed - which again, could be my own coffee-deprived, Monday brain.

Now, it seems as if she told you she needed space, broke up with you, and is now requesting that you leave her alone. I've always said that when a woman (or man) asks to be left alone, that is what should be done. I've been in a relationship where I asked to be left alone and the ex didn't... it's not a fun situation to be in.

I don't know what to say to you. I gave you advice on how to fix a breaking relationship... not a broken relationship. When things are broken, they can be put together, but if both parties involved are not willing to work, then there can be no reconciliation.

Did she break up with you and ask you not to contact her?

You can't control her actions and thoughts. You can only focus on your end. If you show her that you still care about her, then all she has to decide is whether to give you another chance.

Being annoying and needy isn't even a concern anymore, because the bottom line is that you want her back. So you need to show her that she's still still special to you.

However, if she already broke up with you, it means that she has given up hope to repair the relationship. So we don't want to set your hopes too high.

Bottom line, if you want her back, let her know how you feel and see how she responds. If she doesn't want to give you another chance, then you have to accept the reality and move on with your life. You can't force her to come back to you.

She never came right out and said that no. But she has called me a cpl times a day and sent little joking text messages a few times a day. I know she obviously doesn't want to hurt. She just said she needs time/space to figure out what she needs. Yes I know what that means in 99.9% of all the cases you deal with on here.

My whole point is... and I'm asking not telling, is that she said she needs space. I can respect that no problem. I mean it will suck but I can respect it I'm an adult. The thing is, that I got myself in this situation by not showing her that I was here for her and not needing her like I should have. Now I'm presented with this situation and I don't know what to do because I want to show her that I'm not quitting or ignoring her like I did earlier (which was a big minunderstanding). But again, I want to give her what she ask for you know?

Yeah I know what the reality is. You are right, just lay it out there and see what I get in return. Something I haven't done a lot before... lay my feelings out there.

Let me ask you this. I wrote 75 things down that I thought were important to her. Seeing as how I obviously don't know what's impt to her, I ask her to put her most important at the top and work her way down the list. Not all of them because there are a lot but the really important ones. I wrote a little note with it explaining that I wanted her to do that and that I wanted to understand what was important to her because I knew we didn't communicate that well and we do have to work on that. But I'm trying to show her that I do care and I want to be the person she fell in love with.

Is that over the top? I haven't given it to her yet but should I?

My opinion is my own, based on my own experiences. Its always best to back up and let your emotional dust settle before you make a decision just to make sure you are getting the facts.

The way I see your situation is she broke this off, and said she its to late, and she was unwilling to go back.

For whatever reason she is calling you its obvious she isn't trying to get you back. So whatever the arguments were about, or for whatever reason she calls you everyday, its not working. That's a fact.

Now you can chalk that up to whatever you want, you haven't changed anything at all, which is why you stop what your doing, and leave her alone. That's giving her the time and space you both need for the dust to settle, and you regroup, with a clearer head and a better grasp of the facts.

That also means being unavailable for the emotional BS that she is putting you through, as its only through fear that she keeps contacting you until she has better things to do, and loses interest in this drama. Its only through fear on your part you keep answering but not recognizing you accomplish nothing and are getting frustrated and pushing each other away.

Of course you can't see that, as your scrambling to find your own fixes.

That's the whole point of my advice since you have no clue as to what you need to do. Give her what she asked for and get your own head together before you can examine and understand hers.

One of the reasons I am harsh, or blunt, especially with young inexperienced guys like you, is I know sometimes you need that emotional boot to get your brain going, and get you thinking.

That's what I want, you to think about what's in your own best interest now, so you can keep your dignity, and self respect, and not make decisions based on hurt feelings, shock, and rejection.

Thinking she is stubborn and just being that way, is not a fact, nor is it realistic, but her actions are and they say no more romance, and she has shown no willingness to work with you at all.

Now you can do whatever you want and follow the advice of anyone you want, that's your choice. But mine is, you are way to available for her games, and BS, and need a clear mind for a better perspective. Then I think you will see its not all you that has caused this breakdown in communications to the point she needs a break, and unless she is willing to work with you, it ain't going to work no matter what you do.

Your last experience showed you that. Still too much testosterone for you? Deal with it. That's also what real men do!

When there are no boundaries, there is confusion. When she says she wants time and space away from you, without saying what she means (seeing you every other weekend instead of every weekend for example), what are you supposed to be able to make of that, unless you have a crystal ball.

My take is that she is working on her second PHD, working second shift, and putting in very long, very hard days. She can not likely see more commitment with you, at this time.

Keep in touch with her via email, and the odd text, and let her know that you hope she will contact you to get together, or talk, or go see a movie, whatever, but that you won't initiate it.

That way you are both off the hook for the time being.

If she responds that it is a good idea to take things slow without pressure, then do just that.

Once her life settles a bit more and she actually has time for a relationship, she'll let you know.

Leave the ball in her court.

Jake - That's all I can do and to be honest all that I want to do. I don't want to play any games with her I just want her to be happy. She told me about a month ago that all of the stress from everything was really getting to her and I think that has a lot more to do with it then I may have made it out to be. But yes, from my end its very confusing because this is a girl that needs somebody to be there and wanted me there. Again, she said I should have "picked up on the hint" but who knows. So I guess what I'm asking is, should I just completely let it be right now. Like I said I was planning on going over there tomorrow night and just putting my feelings out there (not crying and begging) so that she didn't have any doubt whatsoever about how I felt. You see, she said she didn't think I could be there for her (read prior posts) and she thinks that I just give up on things when they get hard (she used when I played college baseballl as an example, which I didn't quit, I just got frustrated when I was slumping and just kind of rode it out) so I want to at least show her that I'm not giving up, BUT I don't want to cross the line and smother her. What do you think? Yes or No?

And, what about the list of 75 things that I made and ask her to put in order from what's most important to her to least important. While I would love to see the results, that's just me showing her that I do care enough to try and break this communication barrier that we have. Yes or No?

Thank you for your time and opinions

You're broken up.
She's given up on you.
She's your ex.
She asked for space.

Space is what you give her.
It seems you're stuck in 'the confusing odd text, phonecall and e-mail'situation,which means she can pull all the strings and you sit overanalyzing everything.

Let her have all the space in the world.
Go no contact and clear your head.

Let her get on with her life,to be sure it sounds like a hectic one, but people who are in a committed relationship and want to stay together,work these situations out together.

I would personally confirm for tomorrow night, and see if she is prepared to talk to you.

As to working on a list of most important, to least important, that would be a no in my opinion. Leave that for another time.

If she is testing your resolve, hold off, keep in touch but with a light hand, and let her know that when she's ready, to call you and you'll be there.

I once left my husband for a solo vacation all by myself. I felt overwhelmed, totally stressed out, and had a million reasons he was such a jerk. But, time and reflection put it all into perspective, and eventually, I realized it was me, not him, that was causing the rift. He was just a handy guy to dump it all on.

The only way to figure it out, is to give it time.

Ok, thank you for your posts and responses! It really does help and I know I may sound like a broken record but I realize that Im searching for a certain "magic bullet" that can't be found. Here is one a posted to somebody earlier if you don't mind commenting on it as well. Thank you again!!

Also, how do I keep in touch with her? I yes of course I want to, but is that the best thing?

And the only reason I was making that list of things that are important to any relationship (again just wanting her to put the list in order to fit her needs) is to show her that Im trying to initiate learning how to communicate with her. That the relationship is worth me putting my best effort into it. Still a no? If you think no then that's OK just trying to clearify

Sorry to bother you, I just have a quick question about "space." Yeah shocker huh. Anyway, if you look at my post called "a different kind of space" I just don't know what to do in this situation. She did say it was over but that was after me asking a million questions on the phone the night we broke up (I Know! I was just hurting) and at first she just wanted space and I for whatever reason could not grasp that and just kept on digging for asnwers, which in turn got me the "its just too late" response. Moving fwd, the reason she needed space was because she has so much going on and she is stressed to the max and wants to just be able to make decisions about stuff on her own. I'll give it to her, Im a pretty laid back guy but I would be a mess in her situation too. Also, she said that I never showed her that I needed her (read prior post). So my question is... is going completely NC the right thing for me to do? I ask her if I could go over there tomorrow night and say my little piece. I just want her to know how I feel so she doesn't walk away thinking I don't care (read my prior post) or should I just go completley NC. Obviously I do want this to work, but I want it to work on her terms. I want her to NEED me. Keep in mind that she has been acting different for the past several months and when I saw that heppening I backed off because I didn't want to mess anything up, when (according to her) I should have "manned up" and been there for her. She said I should have assumed that I was suppose to be beside her. I still can't believe that anybody in their right mind, would just assume that when they see their partner acting different. I did ask, without any solid answers in return. But anyway, yesterday was the first day I've not talked to her at all. This happened about a week ago and she had to get her stuff to move back to her apt so we were still around each other. I just smiled and acted light hearted about everything and she sent a few texts to me and I sent the normally flirty smartalic text back that I used to. But NC at all yesterday. SO... sorry I wrote so much, should I just ignore it and not go, go and say my piece (this does NOT involve craying and blabbering) or text her tomorrow and ask if she wants me to come buy and say what I need to say?

she thinks that I just give up on things when they get hard


Listen to what you are saying here and ask yourself one question: Is she the one that has given up? I think you know the answer to this and if not then you will have problems and will end up causing yourself more pain.

Bottom line. She asked for space, this wasn't something that was thought up over night. She has known for a long time that it wasn't working, just didn't know how to tell you.

Your heading says "A different kind of space" but the fact is, SPACE IS SPACE! She knows where you went wrong and if she was really forgiving and thought that it mattered she would stay to communicate with you and work it out. This is not what she wants and nothing you do will change the past. Her action of leaving proves this.

If she decides to give you a second chance it will have to be on her terms but that is highly unlikely because she has already made her decision. Take it from me dude and save yourself more pain, leave her alone. Fact: You are broken up and HAVE to move on!

. She did say it was over but that was after me asking a million questions on the phone the night we broke up (I Know! I was just hurting) and at first she just wanted space and I for whatever reason could not grasp that and just kept on digging for asnwers, which in turn got me the "its just too late" response.

My situation was similar, I thought it was different and I too wanted answers and kept hounding, which allowed her to justify her decision in leaving. She doesn't want to be with you and you need to accept that.



So my question is... is going completely NC the right thing for me to do?
Yes, It is the only thing that will save your dignity

Thanks New... I understand what you are saying and I understand everything that everybody is saying but it is hard to accept. Its not like I don't see the writing on the wall here, but its just tough.

The conversation you referred back to in my post lasted all of 5 minutes. I didn't call and beg and plead and yada yada all night long. Just so you know. She actually had called me to ask me some kind of bs question.

I just want to make sure that you understand that one of the reasons she wanted it wsa because she knows I just give up and when I was backing off her she thought that's what I was doing and so she ended up giving up. Funny how things work out huh. Anyway, Im sure your response is the same but I just want you to see where I'm coming from here. I don't want to mess up again by acting like I'm giving up.

Thanks man

Go NC and avoid BS questions.

And yes,it's hard for you to come to terms with,but,to me,looking in from the outside,all the usual signs are there-it's over.

You're still looking for a magic wand and there aren't any.

Frankly,the sooner you accept the true situation and move on from the false hope,the better off you will be.

Ok new question, I know Im sorry Im full of questions right now. Lets just say that I don't go over to her house tomorrow night and talk to her. She certainly knows that I am broken right now, and she expects me to go over there. This is not a game to me so don't write it off as that please! But Im about 99% sure if I don't go she will text me or call me and ask why I didn't come. Either that night or the next day or sometime. Lord knows I want to go but if she ask for space that's what she's getting. Not trying to be rude either. But how do I respond to that? Im not going to ignore her or act mean towards her, but I have to have a reason not to go. Im sure she expects me to be there whether she wants to hear what I have to say or not.

Or should I send a text asking if its even worth me coming over there to talk. I'd make it clear I wasn't asking for any decisions I just wanted to say what I needed to so there were no doubts about how I felt.


Just to clear something up real quick: I don't want me response to her to come off like I don't give a crap. Its not a "screw you" I want to get across to her. I want her to know that I still care so much! Without actually saying it... you know what I mean

Im not going to ignore her or act mean towards her, but I have to have a reason not to go. Im sure she expects me to be there whether she wants to hear what I have to say or not.


You got your reason, she left you. That action speaks louder than words. You are in the denial stage and false hope mode. Why would you want someone who doesn't want you? She has made it clear that she doesn't want to be with you and you are on the string my friend, being strung along as a fallback in case her decision doesn't work out in her favor. Time to cut ties and go NC. If she wanted you she would make that clear. She has made it clear she does not, at least not in the way you want.

Maybe in the future you can be friends but I wouldn't recommend it now. 6 months to a year. See how you feel...

Update: Just got a text from her that reads "When you come over tomorrow will you pleaes bring my board games that are in your computer room closet."

Not trying to read into this but lets be serious. She needs her board games? How do I respond to that? I don't even know if I'm going to go or not tomorrow everybody on here has been acting like I was a moron for thinking about it.

I'm between a rock and a hard place here because I want her to miss me and I know she has to so she can see whether she really does need me. But she also said I needed to "man up" and show her that I was there for her. But again, she sent messages on Sunday saying "it was just too late" and that she "just needed more from me"

What do I do??

Simple: you bring her your board games, say what you want to say, and leave. End of story.

You can't keep agonizing over this.

You say what you need to say and leave it in her hands. It's up to you if you want to wait for her - she may change her mind, she may not.

You say your peace and leave her be. Period.

NEW DEVELOPMENT: Ok so I went over to her house last night because I thought I had it all figured out. I talked to a mutual friend of our and she just acted like I was the biggest moron ever not to notice what was going on. "Manning up" meant that she was ready to go fwd with our relationship and so she was wanting me to commit. To be completely honest, she had every reason to believe that I wasn't going to and she hung on and hung on but I didn't. I had an "agenda" I wanted to work through before marriage and she patiently waited for me to get through all of it and I gave her nothing in return. Don't get me wrong, the whole time I have no idea what's going on... I'm just saying that Im not actively ignoring it.
Anyway, I went over there and told her that I was not "going to do something about it" but that I was "doing something about it." She resisted and just kept telling me it was too late, it was over, yada yada and she cried the whole time. So I talked to our friend after this and she had talked to my ex and come back and told me that she just has a huge huge wall up right now and understandibly so.

My question now is, what can I do to show her that I want this more than anything? There's a fine line between showing her and being a stalker and I don't want to cross it but I DEF need to show her. I know her and talking to our friend, I know that she needs to believe me and actually trust me enough to think that I have realized and changed and that I'm not bs'ing her and going to fall right back into the same pattern.

It's not yada yada-she is telling you it's over.
That IS the writing on the wall,only you refuse to see it.

It doesn't matter how many plans or changes you make,give her the space she has asked for and leave her alone so you both can start to heal.

She resisted and just kept telling me it was too late, it was over, yada yada and she cried the whole time.

It's over. She is done and wants to move on.

When a girl does this she is emotionally, psychologically, and physically exhausted - she is done.

You must move on or you'll drive yourself crazy.

And, she is def pretty mad at me. Not like I cheated mad but more disappointed in me mad. Disappointed that it took her walking away for me to realize what I was not doing (committing).


This is the "help" desk right? I mean really. You don't think I should even try? I should just lay down and quit? I promise you that if you all are right I will come back and say it. BUT I find it hard to believe that the answer to every single question on here is just to go NC and move on.


And she told me I just quit at things. When something gets tough I just turn around and walk away. I'm NOT doing that now

Your story echoes many others here.
The advice we give is based on experience,personal and through time spent on this board.
It's up to you what you do,obviously,but there is nothing here that tells me that your constantly getting in touch with and trying to persuade your ex to come back will result in anything but driving her much further away.
Read some similar threads and see how they have gone down.

This is the "help" desk right? I mean really. You dont think I should even try? I should just lay down and quit? I promise you that if you all are right I will come back and say it. BUT I find it hard to believe that the answer to every single question on here is just to go NC and move on.

If you look back at the responses in this post, you'll find many different answers.

My original advice was to take her away from it all for a weekend. I was under the assumption (my own misunderstanding) that you were having problems in your relationship - I offered you advice on how to show your girlfriend that she was still wanted.

Over the course of the posting, I grew rather annoyed with your constant barrage of questions and looked closer at the situation (what I should have done in the beginning). I advised you to tell her what you felt and leave it in her hands.

You did that. She said no. You need to leave it in her hands.

I don't think you understand that when a girl says NO she means no. Not "chase me and make me love you"... you can't do that. The only thing that your continual chasing will do will make her uncomfortable, scared, and ultimately, she could go to the police, take out a restraining order, and legally ban you from her life... I know. I had to do it.

No, not every answer is to not contact her. I try and find every possible answer other than NC, because frankly, I don't like the concept. But I've had to live it.

You need to take a good, hard look at what you're doing to her, the woman you say that you love. You are making her emotionally distraught. That's not love, that's selfishness.

You don't have anything to say if its not "leave her alone and give up?"

Ok thank you historic. I didn't mean to annoy you with my questions sorry. Won't ask another one.

I will say this though, I understand what you 2 are saying. BUT, in this situation she was wanting me to committ to her and marry her. This isn't just a regular I loved you and now I don't sorry.

You're hurting and you feel as though your heart is being ripped in two. That's where all these questions and desperation are coming from... a true, honest, affection for this girl.

But you've got to realize that she is not seeing that side of it. She is seeing the persistent, "I'll make you love me", scary side.

You poured out your heart to her. That's all that you can do. Any more would be considered stalking.

Please don't go down that road. We've seen it on her way too many times and some of us have been on the receiving end of it. It's not fun.

When my ex was doing the things that you're doing, I couldn't sleep at night for fear that he would call. Whenever my phone would ring, I'd get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, even if it wasn't him. I would be afraid to check text messages because I thought they were from him. Whenever I'd go out at night, I'd run from my locked house, get in my car, and lock the door right away for fear that he'd be there and try to talk to me.

You're not at this point yet. I know you're not. You're just hurting so bad that you want to show her you have changed. But, it can get to this point very easily. My ex truly did love me, I know that. All he was doing was out of love that turned into a scary obsession. His love wasn't a regular "i loved you and now I don't, sorry" kind of love either.

Please don't get there. We're only trying to help.

Im not going there. The only advantage that I have is that I know her and that mutual friend I talked about is very close with her. I know she needs time, and Im not trying to rush things back to how they were but giving her time is what got me in this mess in the first place. Talking to her friend after I left last night... she said that she is so mad at me for not realizing this earlier, she told our friend that she "doesnt know whats going to happen" but I know she is really confused right now, has all kinds of things going on in her life and doesn't need this added pressure. And she has built this huge freakin wall!! I mean when I talked to her and looked into her eyes you could just tell. She is trying to convince herself that she's dong the right thing. I know she's not. I know I know, everybody prob says that and I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. The bottom line is, that she has to realize what she wants or doesn't want and that takes time and she has to miss me yes you're right BUT she expects me to quit. She expects me to say the hell with it when it gets hard and I won't do it!! I don't usually fight for things but I have to fight for this. I don't want to sound crazy but I was counting on her to be there. In my mind I was, I never came out and told her that and so she didn't know. What a moron!

It's your choice if you want to wait for her.

I still think that you need to give her space, but if you choose to wait, then that's your decision.

We all hope for fairytale endings; I hope that you get yours.

Sorry wow got a little carried away in the last post. I just wanted to know if you can possibly just pretend that Im right, don't know that I am but pretend... better yet. What would you do in my situation? Please GOD just don't give me the standard NC answer

I would do what you've done. I would go, talk to her, tell her your heart, tell her you'll be waiting, and then do it.

I would leave it up to her. I would not expect that I could push my will upon someone else. That's all about being human - having free will.

You did that. You said your peace. Now, you wait.

There is nothing else that you can do.

That's my opinion.

Ok thanks. There's no way I want to trick her into coming back and trying. As bad as this is going to sound I don't want her to that. I want all of her and to know that she needs me just as much as I need her. I guess the hard part is that "waiting" feels like I'm just sitting and watching the world go by. I know what you mean and I def def don't want to push her away. I just really want her to know Im not quitting. She is thinking right now that even if I say Im not, I still will in 2weeks but that's not this case. This is too big to quit on. How do I not quit, and show her Im not quitting, without driving her crazy

Dude, this is my opinion, and like everyone else on here, we speak from our own experience and individual situations. Im not going to tell you what to do because you are an adult and will ultimately do what ever you want but just hear me out...


The fact is, this girl told you she doesn't love you and that its over and its too late. You are not alone in this situation and believe me, I feel your pain because I was in your situation just 4 months ago.

When its too late, its too late my friend. Women don't just say that.

My ex did the whole needing space thing and called me a short time after and said she didn't think we should be together. I could not accept that. I begged, called, texted, sent her flowers... all that stuff. It got me nowhere, she had already made up her mind and there was nothing I could do. She too wanted commitment and although I was making plans to start a family and get married, she didn't want to wait.

You told her how you feel, she knows now. She rejected it saying its too late. If you chose to wait around for this girl, God help you because you are in for a devastating blow to the heart. I KNOW IVE BEEN THERE!!

Sounds like your situation is really really close to mine. I just don't understand how you can go from (looking from the girls side) loving soembody so much and wanting to make them your life to not wanting to try. I took me 2 f'n years to figure this out, I know Im stupid. I wasn't ignoring her I just wasn't paying attention to the signs.

She always was the one to depend on somebody or need somebody to be there and I was the total opposite. Ive been raised with single parents and they taught me to stand on my own 2 feet and depend on myself and if I want something done I need to be the one to make sure that happens. She told me last night that I taught her that over these last years (and that's not all bad) but she says she can stand on her own 2 feet now and doesn't think she needs anyone. I told her there were many faults in believing that way because that's another one of the reasons that we are where we are right now

And Im not sending flowers, texting or callling or anything, just fyi

Theres no way I want to trick her into coming back and trying.

Way to sweep a girl off her feet!! Of course not...


I want all of her and to know that she needs me just as much as I need her.

That's more like it, you can't force her to be with you, it has to happen natrally.


I guess the hard part is that "waiting" feels like i'm just sitting and watching the world go by.

Helplessness is definitely a painful feeling, but you will get passed it with time.


I know what you mean and I def def dont wanna push her away. I just really want her to know Im not quitting.

It's not about pushing away or quitting. The bottom line is that you already told her how you feel, but she doesn't feel the same way as you. You can't force her to change her emotions. Do you really expect to sit around for the next 20 years proving to her that you're not a quitter and that you're still waiting for her?


This is too big to quit on. How do I not quit, and show her Im not quitting, without driving her crazy

Again, proving this to her won't make a different, because she doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. This is also called, "false hope". You're hoping that one day, she will fall for you again.

I ask, how long do you plan to put your life on hold for her while she moves on?

You mentioned in an earlier post that this is a "help desk". You are correct, we are here to help the OP, which is you. You're the one who is suffering. So we're trying to help you recover from this break up.

Seems like you prefer to suffer by sitting by the phone waiting for her to call. If that's the case, then you don't need our help to contribute in your suffering. But when you ready to heal from the break, know that the NC rules are a helpful tool. Please see my signature for all NC related threads.

Hard to argue with that... :/ Im not going to wait around for 20 years, I even know I can't do that. I just meant that when something's not easy I throw my hands up and move on. Always been that way, with sports and just everything.

But for now, do you think just leaving her alone is the best thingt to do? I mean, you are 100% right, if its not in her, its not in her, BUT if it is, she just has to realize it huh?

Im digging, I know I am

People miss what's not there, and want what they can't have.

You don't fit in either case. Yes, leaving her alone is exactly the thing to do.

When a relationship breaks down, and one party is no longer willing to stay in it, it is over.

This came as a great surprise to you when it happened, because you didn't see it coming. You did the best you could, and nobody is questioning your love for this woman.

She likely had thoughts of ending the breakup long before you realized it.

There is no other choice for you but to move on. To have this fierce need to prove to her that she's wrong in her thinking, and that you can prove to her that you can make up for all that was wrong in the past, just isn't going to happen.

Please leave her alone, give up on this pursuit, and accept that the end has come to this relationship.

That is the only way you will be able to move on with your life.

Quote by Jake2008
She likely had thoughts of ending the breakup long before you realized it.


That something I believe to be true. By your own words it took you a while to "get it", and when you did, it was to late.

Like missing a bus, you have few options but to wait for the next one.

Yes, you are all right. I went over there last night because she asked me to bring the last of her stuff and we talked, like civil human beings, same story though. It just all took me by surprise. (Im just talking now not asking for answers) I mean, I knew she was being different over the last several months, I noticed. She says that I should have stood up and said something to her. BUT, I mean, just try to put yourself in my shoes, if your g/f has a ton of stuff going on, I mean all day every day, work, going back for second masters, school, work outs, you know she's a busy girl. So, me seeing that I just kind of backed off a little. Not in a cold way at all, I just didn't want to get in the way so to speak. I just find it hard to believe that she can't understand where Im coming from. I never once have asked to get back together, just fyi. When we were talking she said she gave me numerous chances, but hell, I never knew I was getting 2nd chances you know? That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. I never knowingly ignored her "hints" (as she calls them). Adding to that, I would imagine if she wanted it bad enough she would have reached a little more for my help...

Just somebody tell me that you understand what Im saying please

This just doesn't make sense to me. And... it probably won't haha, but I don't know, but I'm pretty positive that its not another guy. If it was, I think she would tell and that would make a hell of a lot more sense to me.

She even looked different last night. She wasn't mean or anything but her voice just sounds like she is going to stick to her guns and let this go and that's her final answer. Her eyes don't look the same. She's not mean, she's just... cold. Not the same girl at all right now.

I mean, we are talking about a girl that was wanting to marry for 3 months ago. Like dying to marry me and I wasn't just trying to slow her down a little. Not for any reason but I just wanted to make sure it was right. Guess it wasn't huh...

She even looked different last night. She wasnt mean or anything but her voice just sounds like she is gonna stick to her guns and let this go and thats her final answer. Her eyes dont look the same. Shes not mean, shes just.....cold. Not the same girl at all right now.

She's done. You need to resolve yourself to the fact.

I'm sorry, but that's the way I see it.

I think one of the reasons your confused is because you have bought into the idea that this was all your fault, and none of hers. That's hardly ever true, as the way I see it, she is as responsible for the failure of this relationship, as you are.

In fact if you really look at it, despite the initial attraction that got you started, and the emotional attachment that formed after, you were in the long run, incompatible for whatever reason, so essentially, there is no fault, it just didn't work well that long. It happens all the time, and probably will happen again, but we as humans will try again any way.

That's just the way we are. We are always looking for reason to explain why things happen the way they do, and the simple answer is, they just do. We also learn to let go, be happy, until the next adventure, interest, problem, or whatever comes to distract us from the fact that life just is.

You will be okay in time, and wonder what the big deal was with this female once the next one appears. Of course you can't see that right now, because your still fresh from the dust of the last one. But you will be.

We all go through those changes, matter of fact, its one thing after another, and the good news is, its going to happen whether you can see it coming or not, or whether your ready or not (or is that the bad news? ).

You'll see.

UPDATE: Ok first, please just don't give me the standard answer and say move on. I know I prob need to. My ex of one week called Friday night and we talked for about 30 min. It was a good conversation and she said the reason that I was confused was because she was confused. Great answer huh. She told me thanks for giving her the space she ask for and that she would call me this week sometime, if she could wait that long. Ok so, I broke and sent her a text last night, just saying hope you had a good weekend. We sent 4 or 5 text back and forth and she said she hoped that I had a better week this week. I don't ask if she just wanted me to be over her and she said "right now.....yes." Right now? I know I told her I would be here for her and I will but what the hell kind of answer is that? Again, she did tell me she needed some space to figure some things out so I don't know. Can anybody make anything of that?

Also, if she does call back, am I suppose to be busy, sad, excited, or what to her?

Thanks

I have to say your waiting for her to make a decision, and go back to the good times. That's the problem, as your not accepting her feelings have changed, and she is confused about what to do about it. If you weren't so caught up in false hope you would see she is only buying time and putting off the inevitable. She is weaning herself off you slowly so she doesn't suffer.

For your part, your letting her do things her way and not reading the handwriting on the wall, and the obvious, and making your own decision to do what's best for you, and move on.

Sorry guy, your continued reluctance to face the facts and move on, will keep you confused and miserable.

Let me know when your ready to heal properly and are ready to accept the standard answer is your solution.

Ok, try to make this brief. Obviously a lot, if not all, of the questions on here about NC are hoping that somebody is going to say "yeah go ahead and call her." That is not the case and I understand why... BUT, being a guy that is on a "break" by request from his ex girlfriend, for a week and a half now, I just don't understand why you should NEVER text or call back an ex if they initiate the conversation?

I do understand that if could set you back, but what if they are reaching out and then when they get ignored, they are thinking "well I guess I really screwed this one up."

I know I know, if they want to make it work bad enough, they will keep trying, but if they are reading stuff like we are, then I can just see an answer on here that says "you made the decision to take the break, now hes gone, so go NC and just move on." That wouldn't be the case at all.

This is a possibiltiy for some of us. I don't know know, but I"m almost positive that she will try to contact me at some point and I dont want it to be misinterpreted and I want to be prepared for it. I dont at all mean, I would send back 4 texts saying how much I love and miss her but you know what I mean. Why completely ignore it? Im just looking for a discussion here and now a quick answer like "because its now about you and you don't need to step backwards."

Thanks

If you want to move on with your life and never get involved with the EX again… then Hardcore No Contact is the medicine you need. Taken daily for a series of several months and you'll be feeling better in no time.

However, you're exactly right about your assumptions and this shows a bit of thought and maturity rarely seen here. Ultimately if you want to get back together you will need to reestablish contact with the EX. With contact comes excitement, fear, sadness, joy, and a host of other emotions. For most people this is where the problem lies. They lose it... You cannot read into their, the EX's, contact. Take it for face value or the spoken word. You cannot compromise yourself or your values, e.g. friends with benefits. Don't wait around on empty promises. Don't try to be their friend thinking you'll get back together when it's destroying you emotionally and mentally. No begging, no pleading. Keep your dignity and pride in check.

So yeah… when an EX has reached out to me in the past I've talked. You can too, but you must be able to remain unemotional and rational. THINK before you act or commit. Expect nothing and be prepared to walk away if the contact does not meet your needs.

Good post by the way.

If you are in a state of shock, and so hurt by a break, or break up, lets be real, what kind of decisions are you going to make? From the heart, and your hurt, and disappointed feelings of course. Your trying to heal yourself with the hope of going back to be happy with the one who no longer has the same feelings you have. (fact)

When your talking to someone trying to keep them in your life, what are you going to hear? Your hurt feelings, that latch on to any glimmer of hope, and usually end up being happy with crumbs. (false hope)

Until you have dealt with your feelings, and can glean facts, from feelings, you stay with NC no matter what, because that's how you get back to the reality of what your faced with. It takes time to make the right adjustments that personal disasters bring, and that's what NC is about, making time to recover from the shock of personal disasters.

A broken heart seldom sees the facts, and facts are what you must face, to make good decisions for yourself. Most people after a period of NC, never want to go back, just because the see better options and opportunities going forward. Wonder why?



Good question by the way.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and put some thought into your answer. I don't at all mean to knock anybody in here because I know everybody is hurting and everyone just wants to help, but I just don't like the "robot" answer of just go NC. Even if it's the right one.

In my situation, my ex has a TON of stress on her right now and there's so much more to it than I could ever type. Im sure that everybody says that and I know to you it probably sounds like Im trying to justify her actions. (We are both 27, just fyi). But, if she comes around, I have been praying so much about it, and just that Gods will, will be done, but then I go on and try to tell God what his will for me is haha. Seriously though, Im trying not to pray selfishly, but I, among a lot of others in here, just really love this girl and want the best for her... I would be lying if I said that I didn't want it to be me.

You are right though... I think the problem lies, where we get so emotional and our response to her initiating contact, turns into, I love you's and why's and so on, but if we keep our emotions in check (which is so much easier to do while I'm typing this than in the situation) I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing at all. No expectations.

Steps:

1) You are in a relationship.

2) Person B asks person A (i.e. you) for a break.

3) Person A let's person B how he/she feels before going on a break.

4) Give time and space.

5) During which time, person A has options:

a) Wait it out and see what happens. There's always a chance for the other person to come back, but you will need to fix the problems that made you go on a break in the first place, otherwise the relationship will end anyway.

b) Contact them:

i) If person B doesn't respond:

A) Want more time

B) No longer interested and asking for time and space was just an excuse to let them down easy.
ii) If they wanted you back, they would take the initiative to contact you anyway. Why would they need you to do it? You already told them how you feel. Therefore, no point to contact them.
c) No waiting. Quit putting your life on hold and move on.
When someone asks for a break, it means they've given up working on the relationship with the other person. Asking for a break also means that you're ready to loose the other person. Whether the other person comes back to you or not, these two factors will always be in the history books (giving up and prepared to loose the other person).

Tal - completely agree with you here. Don't take my questions as objections. Just trying to see from another angle that's all. Again, I do agree with you and understand what you are saying

I've got to add one more thing and that is that sadly the majority of folks that come here for advice and help don't really care about anything other than the way they feel.

How could X do this to ME?
I'M so hurt!
X is so mean to ME?
How could they just up and leave ME alone?
Did they ever love ME?
How can I get them back?
How do I make them love ME?

My point is you need to step back and look at the relationship from their, your EX's, perspective too. It's not just about you. Unfortunately most can not or will not. Too focused on themselves and their pain.

I might suggest that prior to that contact from your EX coming, if it comes at all, you need to think long and hard about what went wrong. Make a list of both your faults and their faults. What are you going to need to change to make it work? Can you change? What faults do they have that you can not live with? Seriously… you need to think about these things.

Now here's the caveat. Don't go blather this out when you're trying to reconnect. Slow steady moves, nothing too serious, nothing too fast… at first. But should fate have it to bring you back together, i.e. you both agree to 'try again', I would strongly suggest you have a discussion about what went wrong and what needs to change to make it work.

Communication buddy… too much or too little can and will kill a relationship.

I wish - Agree with you as well. BUT, I did put all my feelings out therefor her, cried a little when talking to her at first, she was willing to listen, didn't object. Not going to lie, I did send a text like 2 days later (which was around 6 or so days ago) and she text back. We sent a few back and forth and she said she "wasnt ready to talk yet." So I then proceeded to tell her these exact words... "You know exactly how I feel, the ball is now completely in your court. I'll be here if you need me." And I left it at that. I know without a doubt that she does know how I feel and she knows is her move to make if she so chooses. Some will say I shouldn't have told her I was here if she needed me but the truth is that I will be, and I do NOT want to manipulate her in any way and try and make her miss me blah blah. I want her if she knows that she needs me.

I know that taking a break is 99% of the time a break up. But, maybe Im just not facing the facts right now, but I do know she's going through tough times and I truly thinks she just wants to breath a little and figure things out. I hope that Im a part of the future... yes, very much so! Im not pushing the issue though. However, I don't KNOW that this is a break up yet, and I really do love her so Im willing to wait a while (cant define "while" right this minute) and see what happens with us.

Yes it will, and communication killed ours. The lack of communication! If you have time, I understand if you don't, but will you read my previous posts called "a different kind of space" It explains a lot

Bottom line, she knows how you feel.

If she wanted to repair the relationship, she will find you.

If she doesn't, then accept her silence as her wanting to give up. In which case, you proceed to moving on with your life.

You might ask "how long" do you wait? You wait as long as you want (you don't wait for her on her terms), but just because you are waiting, there's no guarantee she will come to you. You decide when it's time to give up.

I truly thinks she just wants to breath a little and figure things out.

OK... so now do as she asks. Leave her alone. Completely alone. Wait and see if she contacts you and remember to keep your wits intact.

I wish - I know! I get it, I know you guys say this stuff over and over to people and yes Im hurt and yes I want her back but I want it to work! I don't just want to go through the motions. So, I do understand what you are saying, read my post above, I know it's a waiting game now. And I also know that its completely up to me how long I want to "wait."

Ima - That's all I can do and sadly, I realize that. So, my feelings are out there for her and at least this way, I'll know if she wants it or not. I will do the very best that I can do keep everything in check. Im also trying to better myself as well, not trying to just sit starring at the wall hoping she will call... although I do hope she will :) Thanks everybody for your input! I'll keep you posted

Hang in there. Let us know how it all works out. K.

Ok, well its Friday now and after she said she would call me this week that has yet to happen. Yeah I know big shock huh. Anyway, I'm really struggling with what to do here. Just hear me out before you jump to conclusions. One of the reasons we are having a "break" is because she never thought I was the type to get married. My parents are divorced and my step mom left my Dad for absolutely no reason for about 6 months, but did come back. She thinks that I can't trust anybody with my heart. And... can't say that I blame her for thinking that about me because its how Ive felt my whole life. But long story short, I do want to marry her and its kind of nice to know somebody is going to be there for you no matter what... or so I thought until this happened.

Also, she says that I quit or give up on everything when it gets hard. I do. I do something, whether its sports or whatever, until I feel like I can do it and then when it gets hard I quit. I played college golf and I always shot around par. It was hard as hell to get that number into the 60's and it took a lot of extra work and it was very frustrating. I didn't quit the team, my scholorship was on the line, but I didn't push myself I just kind of settled for that even par round.

So... I said all that to say. Its been a week, and knowing she thinks that stuff, do you think I should send her a card or something. Not an email or a text because I don't want her to feel pressured to respond. But just a little something so she knows Im thinking about her. I said she was under tremendous stress, so maybe an encouraging card and just write something like "hope you are working everything out" or "hope all is well" hell I don't know just something little. Maybe Im just trying to justify contacting her but what do you think?

Yes or No? The LAST thing I want to do is push her away!! But the next to last thing I want to do is for her to think I just quit.

Thanks

Don't send her anything.
As has been stated before,she knows how you feel-she's not getting in touch, there's the writing on the wall, accept it.

I don't even know why I ask that... I knew the response I would get

I know without a doubt that she does know how I feel and she knows is her move to make if she so chooses.

You gave her the chioce. She made it... so my answer to you is No. Do not waste your time, you will feel worse later. I guarantee it. In your own words you said the ball is in her court. Why would you need to contact her? Let her do her thing. She knows how you feel and if she wanted you she would let you know. She doesn’t. You are thinking about “what ifs” and maybe somewhere down the road you will get back together but that is false hope and something I have dealt with in my past. The truth is she doesn’t want to be with you and if she did she wouldn’t need time away or whatever. This is the sign of someone that is not willing to work through problems, at least not with you. Do you really want someone like that in your life??

I feel your pain, I really do but when one person doesn’t want to work at a relationship. It will fail! Hope you make the right choice buddy.

If you really feel that you should remind her of your feelings, then send her a message. But don't expect anything to change. You've been with her for years. If she doesn't know how you feel by now, then 1-2 more messages won't change anything.

Think about it this way, if you send her a message, whatever she responds, you will completely over-analyze every word. If she doesn't respond, you will feel guilty because you will think that you've pushed her away further.

The bottom line is, it's up to her if she wants to give you another chance.

I dont even know why i ask that....I knew the response I would get


You will do what you are going to do regardless but let me just say this... I came here looking for replies on what I WANTED to hear, not what I NEEDED to hear. There is a common theme on these threads and I didn't see it at first and you don't seem to either. That's OK but trust me when these guys and galls are all saying the same thing, don't you think that's for a reason? Its to help you and save you pain and suffering

I Wish - I totally agree. Its just so freakin hard to sit here (not literally Im doing stuff) and do nothing. I just can't imagine that helping my chances in my situation. Yes, its suppose to be about me and yes Im probably just making it worse on myself by not giving up but the fact is... that I just don't want to yet you know? I know that may sound silly to a lot of you guys and it may sound that way to me in several months but right here right now, Im not ready to give up on this yet.

I do believe my feelings have been put out there, so that's not the issue. I just don't want her to think I quit.

New guy - Know where your coming from too, but like I said, sitting here seems like its hurting our chances more than helping. I don't mean Im going to go over there and kiss her and throw I love you's all over the place but just something subtle.

What do you think about me writing this in the card. And only this...

"You may be out of sight, but never out of my mind. I miss you"

Like... I really really don't know what to do in this situation. Like I said, my feelings are ALL out there, but she knows I quit on everything and Im sure she expects me to give up. This is ridiculous and frustrating

Calm down, either she makes her choices without any influence from you, or you will push her away by putting romance and BEGGING over positive actions.

Forget her, and show yourself, that you haven't quite on yourself, by making some good adjustments to both your thoughts and actions that make you better, FOR YOURSELF.

Forget the card.

Ok... still haven't contacted her. I re-thought the card idea. I do however, think Im going to write... "Dont mistake my silence for me giving up. Im respecting your space. I am here if and when you need to talk" on a pieace of notebook paper and put it in her mailbox or something. That's really brief and I don't think it sounds like begging. Go ahead, let me have it, I know its coming.

No! That is still not following our advice, what we have done works. This desperate plea for her to contact you is not a good idea

I agree with Rome, sounds desperate and lame to me.

No contact means NO CONTACT!

Forget cards,notes and stick to your NC.

You're still hanging there-start moving,as in on.

I've done good so far I think... if "good" is defined by not contacting her. Just somebody tell me they see what Im saying. I don't know that Im right or wrong, but just understand where I am coming from about being afraid that she may think Im quitting on her.

However, now that I think about it, this help desk is to make me better. Not to get us back together... right? Holy hell I hate being confused like this.

I will tell you this though... I had a long 7 or 8 page letter that I was going to leave her a few days after we broke up. It was full of Im sorry's and what if's and Im glad I didn't send that. Thank you for helping me through that. At this point, Im just afraid she thinks Im giving up.

I don't understand how stuff like this happens. Really, I don't. I found emails and cards and notes she had left like 2 weeks before all this happened talking about how much she needed me and how this was forever and so on. Now this, I just flat out do not understand.

Ok....still havent contacted her. I re-thought the card idea. I do however, think Im going to write...."Dont mistake my silence for me giving up. Im respecting your space. I am here if and when you need to talk" on a pieace of notebook paper and put it in her mailbox or something. Thats really brief and I dont think it sounds like begging. Go ahead, let me have it, I know its coming.


Look at yourself. Seriously, just look at yourself and the tripe you're concocting in order to reach out yet one more time… BY GOD MAN GET A GRIP!!

You're heartbroken and you're delusional at the moment. This isn't your favorite chick flick. You're not a white night and doves won't fly from her arse when she reads yet another dribbling profession of your love.

Suck it up.

She knows how you feel. Let it go. Be patient. Sorry to say patience may require more then 5-7 days, think months. The best thing you can do right now is keep those feelings and delusional thoughts of grandeur inside and make an honest attempt to move on with your life. Go hit a gym, learn something, make some friends, do community service, anything, something to get your brain occupied.

Not everything in life is logical. As the saying goes, $hit happens. Her thoughts of you, for you, have swayed. They can sway again. The most refreshing thing you can do is deal with it appropriately.

Let go of the false hope-it's been two months.
Accept that at some point,preferably this instant,you have to start moving on.

You need to get your life back,instead of staying stuck in this confusion and wishful thinking.

Its been 2 weeks. And I'm not "reaching out one more time." Ive not reached out at all! That's my point!!

I do workout, been working out for 4 days a week for 3 years or so. I do have hobbies and friends and I know what you are trying to tell me but I'm not saying I'm dying, or just laying sobing in the floor. I mean it hurts like crazy! Im a pretty strong willed person, and I know I can go NC. I don't know, but I think I can. BUT... I honestly just don't feel like this is the right thing for us. I say that, in mind, that there is a lot more to it then I could ever write on here. But yes, she did break up with me, so maybe you all are right. Its not a dilusional crazy feeling I just conjured up because she broke up with me. I have a level head on my shoulders, I haven't in any way acted irrations towards her and I just don't think it should be over

If you want to stay in contact with her, it could easily generate false hope. If you can separate false hope and communicating with her, then by all means, go for it.

The reason you need NC is to heal from the break up and to alleviate the false hope, so that you don't prolong the pain and suffering.

To be completely honest, at this point I don't think I could separate the 2. I do want it to work...

I can sympathize as it's extremely difficult to let go overnight. It takes time to let go. Grieve as long as you need. Every heals at their own pace. You've got to find your own comfortable pace.

Just know that NC is always available when you're ready to heal. NC is also only one of many tools to help you heal.

Welcome to the real world where feelings and hearts change all the time whether you accept it or not.

Your biggest problem is that whenever you do get contact with her, you are constantly asking her how she feels, or promising how you have changed. How about next time you see her or whatever, if you ever do. DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP AT ALL!
Do not ask how she feels about you!
Instead show her a good time, show her some fun!
This is the way she will fall in love with you again.
SHe is not going to fall in love with you again with your constant sobbing, and asking how she feels, or you telling her you miss her, or pleaing to her you will be better.
SHOW IT. And once you show it, DO NOT ASK HER, am I doing good? You like the new me.
Quit asking, and show some confidence in yourself, she will see this.

UPDATE: Ok contrary to dyno's post above I haven't been contacting her. We were on diff pages. Anway, after 2 weeks of absolutely no contact, I called her tonight. She answered. She sounded really tired and just worn out. I mean she has been working from 7am to 11pm this week. She is still stressed I can tell. BUT, we talked for about 10 minutes. Just a friendy conversation, I asked how everything was going with her and she replied saying money was tight and just told me about what's been going on. Then she ask, how I'd been. I told her my work had been crazy, and its most def has been. We just talked back and forth about those 2 things, and her dog, for 10 min or less and I said I had to go because I just got home and had to get started on something for work. So... I ended the conversation. I did NOT want to talk about "us" at this point and we didn't. I didn't say I missed you or anything at all like that. But me calling says that I was thinking about her and cared without me actually saying those words I think. I tried to sound upbeat but not like I didn't care, you know what I mean. Before we got off the phone I did say it was good to hear from you, and she said the same back.

Now, I have a serious feeling that Im fresh in her mind and she's prob stewing over the relationship now. I was never sold from the beginning that it was over but I swear to you, its amazing how if you just step back and don't be emotional, or let those feelings pass a little, and think logically how much you learn about yourself and what went wrong. But I hope she is stewing over us.

My question is, if I don't hear from her this weekend, that would give her Fri, Sat and Sun to hopefully be excitied that I called. Remember I was afraid that she would think I gave up on us, because she thinks that's what I do in situations like this. She thinks I run... and for good reason. I have before, not with us, but when things get hard, before I did tend to just say the hell with it. Anyway, a little excited sorry getting off track. Im trying not to get my hopes up, but do you think I should call on Mon and ask her out to dinner. I won't say to talk about us or anything just, how was your weekend, do you want to meet me for dinner on ____ day at _____ time. What do you think?

PLEASE don't just say its false hope! I mean, if you think it is then go for it, but don't just say that one liner and let that be your response.

And... if she says no to dinner, whether it be just "i cant" or in a round about way like "im not ready for all that yet" do you think that's my sign that's its over over?

Thanks

Hi MLB

You've done what you needed to do in your mind and that was to not sit around and let her know you still care/are still around. You've done that now so the ball is in her court , if she doesn't contact you from here surely you'll get the message right?

Sorry to be harsh but don't contact her again , she knows how you feel , I personally think your letting yourself in for a big fall unfortunately , I hope I'm wrong I really do.

I hope you are too! Didn't want that to sound mean, but... I do. I know you all deal with this everyday and everybody has a different story. Its weird, its like I just feel in my heart that its not over. I don't know why. Lord knows if it is over, I wish that would go away, but it won't.

Let me ask you this, do you think that calling her Monday is the wrong thing to do. If so, please explain. I mean, I would get my answer wouldn't I? I wouldn't be pushy or anythign I don't even know what I would say, but I think the first hurdle was cleared when I called and she answered and we had a good short conversation. Yes, maybe she was just being curtious, Ill say it before you do. But is asking her to dinner wrong?

Did she tell you she was ready to meet up and discuss things?
No.

Has anything changed except the fact that you broke NC and jumped right back on the false hope train again?

When are you going to allow yourself to let this go?

If you really feel that you should remind her of your feelings, then send her a message. But don't expect anything to change. You've been with her for years. If she doesn't know how you feel by now, then 1-2 more messages won't change anything.

Think about it this way, if you send her a message, whatever she responds, you will completely over-analyze every word. If she doesn't respond, you will feel guilty because you will think that you've pushed her away further.

The bottom line is, it's up to her if she wants to give you another chance.


I don't think he gets it, this one... gonna have to learn the hard way

I agree with friend4u178. You did what you felt you needed to do. What I don't get MLB33 why do you keep asking for advice? Several gave you their opinions and you did, and do, what you feel and there's nothing wrong with doing as you feel. Contrary to what you may think the advice dispensed here is generally through our life experiences. Newguy2009 said it best, you need to learn this lesson for yourself.

Why not just post what you're going to do and tell us the outcome? It's a great learning tool for others who come here for help and advice.

You first broke up Jan, 2008. Your still broken up. She said you could call or email, you did.

You had a short conversation by phone, chit chat basically, now you want to take her to dinner.

Through out this whole thread its all about you getting her back, and never about healing.

Do you realize that you have been apart almost as long as you were together?


Its weird, its like I just feel in my heart that its not over.
One day it will dawn on you that what matters is what's in her heart, and you haven't accepted it but your call either has her suspicious that you don't get it yet, or your willing to just be friends.

Dude this is 2 years of your life you have wasted by waiting for this girl to come back to you. That's 730 days, of wanting, wishing and hoping. Aren't your tired of hanging around waiting for her to come and say "i want you" she hasn't yet, and she won't.

Ima - Will do. I realize that Im disputing everything you guys say. Who's to say you're right or Im wrong, BUT you all def have the upper hand on me in the "experience" column.

Ami and New - Maybe I will fall flat on my face. I actually thought I was making a little progress. Of course I didn't fall in love all over again last night and smile through the night. I know what's going on here. She broke up with me... I get that! What you all fail to realize, is that I don't want to let it go right now. I don't want to move on. In most cases on here, that prob means people are sitting at home sulking and they need to find motivation to get up and do stuff. 100% agree with that. I have a life, its too freakin busy to just sit and cry. Yes, it hurt like you have no idea. It still does, it's a little better though and I know that NC is a tried and true method of healing yourself and possibly getting an ex back

All of these threads on here say:
"What if she ignores me, or she wont return my calls." That's the first time I've called and she picked up and we had a brief conversation. I don't believe I did anything wrong. I realize Im going against the grain here but Im just asking for you to come out of your box... for just a minute. Not asking for you to say, "hey pal, youre the man go for what you want." I know I can't dive in headfirst but I will not give up and just be passive. I'll give her space and time and all of that but I won't just wait and let this pass us by.

She just had a friend that got divorced like 4 months ago. We both knew them. The girl called it off. I said well what did he do about. She said "nothing!" He didn't call or do show any concern whatsoever. She sounded shocked by that. Now, the girl has a new b/f and I don't know what he's doing.

Not trying to argue at all, Im sorry Im really not. You just write every single situation off as, just go NC. You are a moron if you don't go NC.

ITS NOT THE SAME RELATIONSHIP!! Totally diff girl, and TOTALLY diff situation


Tali and Rome - We started dating in March of 2008. Brand new girl. We have been together as of the last 3 weeks. New girl, this is the first time we have broken up. There's no way in hell I would wait on a girl for 2 years. Geez, if this is what everybody on here thinks... I understand why you think Im a nut


Tali - I don't know how this works really but do you have the capability to split my threads back up. The new one starts at the bottom of page 8 and its called "a different kind of space." People are getting confused because they are reading the top part of my really old thread and its not the same one.

Thank you

What your not getting is it's stupid to sit around and wait for a girl no matter what. I don't care if it's a couple days, sure I've mourned girls leaving me, everyone does, but to simply keep out hope is idiocy. You claim your story is different, everyone that comes on here claims that, but they rarely ever are. I said mine was different, it wasn't same stuff happened.

MLB33 go back and see the post I wrote, #145. Better yet, here's the point I'm trying to get across,


With contact comes excitement, fear, sadness, joy, and a host of other emotions. For most people this is where the problem lies. They lose it... You cannot read into their, the EX's, contact. Take it for face value or the spoken word. You cannot compromise yourself or your values, e.g. friends with benefits. Don’t wait around on empty promises. Don’t try to be their friend thinking you'll get back together when it’s destroying you emotionally and mentally. No begging, no pleading. Keep your dignity and pride in check.

So yeah… when an EX has reached out to me in the past I’ve talked. You can too, but you must be able to remain unemotional and rational. THINK before you act or commit. Expect nothing and be prepared to walk away if the contact does not meet your needs.

ITS NOT THE SAME RELATIONSHIP!! YOU MERGED THE THREADS
Yes it was and my mistake, as there was no resolution to the first post so I ASSUMED, AND PRESUMED they were the same girl, and my apologies for that. I have split the two posts up for now.

However, When going back, and rereading both your posts, and the responses you got then, and now was I amazed at the fact that they were almost identical, except for the dates.

Now lets get back to this girl, and why everyone is telling you to leave her alone.

You simply are to emotionally involved and your feelings have you blind to the facts. That's what NC is all about, to stop the feelings from being stirred up and help your ability to see the facts.

If the process works, you can choose your course of action, from the facts and not just the feelings. You may think your situation is unique to all the other humans of the world, but its not. We all go through this, every single one of us, and making good reasonable decisions is our best way forward, and not impulsive actions because of our feelings, which most times screws things up even worse.

Yes you stepped back for a minute, and then jumped in again. Now your back to limbo wondering about the next move, and how to get her to change her mind. There is a reason that tactic seldom works, because for one, no honest communications have taken place, and like the merging of your threads was confusing, because of assuming, and presuming, so is thinking you are on her mind and she is ready for a dinner date.

Don't know about you but I do know the consequences of forcing yourself on a female, and trying to get more than she is willing, or ready to give. But of course you have already ignored the experience of previous relationships and here you are again doing exactly the same thing.

But that's what we humans do, (some of us) when we don't learn from past experience, it happens again and again, until we do.

Just curious, what made you give up on the previous relationship??

Probably another female that came along, am I right, or wrong AGAIN?

We're all different individuals and handle our lives differently.

All relationships are unique,BUT when the breakup has occurred,there are many similarities in the way the dumper and the dumpee act and react-and that,in my opinion,is what is happening here.

Again,in my opinion, that's why we keep saying NC to avoid the confusion,overanalyzing and ,most likely, false hope.

The one way to heal a broken relationship is if the two people involved are willing to actively working on getting back together and by working through the issues that caused the split.

Sorry,but I can't see that happening here.

What you all fail to realize, is that I dont want to let it go right now. I dont want to move on.

Then why come here for advice?

NC is not about getting her back, It's about helping you heal and MOVE ON!

Read this: I think it will help you. Its about getting your "ex" back

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-get-him-her-back-187766.html

Ok, lot of responses to give here. First of all, thank you splitting these up. Secondly, Im sorry if I come across as a little emotional on here sometimes, I know all of you are trying to help or you wouldn't even bother, but I guess my defense mechanism (do I have one of those?) goes up when everybody is telling me what I don't want to hear. See... I do get it, of course I want to hear somebody say go for it. I know the reality of this. Yes, of course I believe that my situation is different but who doesn't. One of the reasons I believe that is that when we talked she just flat out sound drained and worn out. Im not trying ot give myself any sort of hope when I say, I know the decisions she has had to make recently, work and grad school have taken the life out of her. If Im being honest, it does piss me off a little trying to understand why or how Im the expendable one you know? I mean this is the girl that wanted to marry me and I don't have a clue what I was waiting on. Like I was waiting on trumpets to sound and a light from the heavens shine down on her or something. I realize if you want something to happen you have to make it happen. Things don't just fall into place. In that scenerio anyway, not speaking for NC here.

New - Thank you for the link

Rome - I understand what you are saying man, I really really do. I just believe that you all think Im crying at my computer right now and Im not. Im thinking logically. You may be completely right when you tell me not to wait, but Im simply just not ready to give up on this yet.

Tali - Im in no way forcing anyting on her. Like the dinner date you referred to. Yes, I am prob going to ask her to eat with me. I don't know yet, got to have a plan I do know that. I don't just want to wing this.

I have not ignored the previous relationship and from the outside looking in, they are VERY similar. However, yes you are RIGHT haha about I got over it because I found a new girl. Its this girl I found Im talking about now. The previous girl, from the 1st thread was a manipulative, tricky... person. I knew it the whole time but to be honest it was the first time Id been rejected and I had no clue what it felt like not to be wanted. I was emotional and I think it was more because I couldn't have her than I really wanted her because I knew I wasn't happy with her. Please do not use what I just said against me with NC. I know, we as humans want what we can't have. Different case here.

Whew... fingers cramping...

Ami - I know each relationship is unique. Including mine. I also realize there is no way this is going to work with only 1 of us trying. BUT, I don't know what she's thinking. She is a strong girl and very very stubborn at times. Maybe you are spot on when you say she doesn't want to be with me, but I just can't see things changing this much, over such a short period. Like I said, the same girl that was just stupid in love with me 2 months ago. She is very very stressed. Not saying you are wrong, but just adding to it.

Wow, sorry that was long. Thank you all for helping :)

Adding one thing: Im not really back in limbo. I know what you mean but when I left the note and after we talked I never expected a response. That's why I made both so short and sweet. I believe that I left the lines for communication open but I didn't end the call sounding like I was waiting for her to say "I love you" or anything like that. I just said it was good to hear from you, she said the same and we said bye. Ive not been waiting bye the phoen but it would be a lie if I said I didn't want her to call. That would make things so much easier for me to run with if that happened. Im not saying this was any kind of big breakthrough but I think I played it as well as I could have. So... yeah ha.

Adding one thing: Im not really back in limbo. I know what you mean but when I left the note and after we talked I never expected a response.

What do you expect then? SHE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL!! The TRUTH is, she doesn't feel the same way and that's obvious. You are going to ask her to dinner? You expect or hope she will accept but in all reality you are setting up yourself for a big let down buddy. Because if she agrees it will only be as friends and you want something more. If she declines you will ask yourself why and overanalyze her decision and drive yourself nuts.

She told you it was too late and that she didn't want it anymore

She asked for space and now you are asking her to dinner? That's not giving space in any way shape or form.

Your hurt, I get it. You come here for advice and yet you only hear what you want to hear. In the end you will do what you want to do. But I hate to say I told you so when that time comes, and it will.

When someone asks you for space, you give it to them. Crowding them will do only negative things happening.

I'm probably done with this thread because you simply don't want our advice. You'd rather argue with things that have been proven to work. Look at all the posts on here about people who kept contacting their ex, see how that worked out

Ok I'll tell you what. Rome don't jump ship yet. Im just going to post what I do and what happens and you guys and girls can't comment on that.

You talk to me like Im showing up at her door begging her, sending her flowers, letters, cards, etc etc and that's not the case. Im asking you questions and you just want to tell me how foolish I am.

New: Thanks for the response, I do know this could shake me up and Id be in the dump for a while. That would def suck. Def def suck. Maybe I do need to get beat up some more to understand, or maybe Im doing the right thing. I will post what I do and what happens and WILL report back to you all either way. And I won't be ashamed to say that you were right. This is not a pissing battle between us, but I can't just sit and wait. Yes, I will sit and wait, LIKE IVE BEEN DOING, until I think the time is right. Then Ill make one more little move. Hell Im not going to propose to her. Sorry if that response sounded frustrated

So did you take time to heal from the breakup of two years ago?
Or is the most recent ex in fact a rebound?

I can see guite a few similarities from the first thread.
What did you learn from your first breakup?

Its been suggested that you read other threads similar to yours, I second that.

What was most telling about his last post was he never came back with what his resolution was, but came back with the same problem.

Hmmm, different girl, same problem? Is it fair to assume, he is the problem?

Ami - Ive read everything I could possibly find to read. I do mean everything. I feel like we need to all have a conference call haha its hard to translate feelings through words on paper because people get the wrong idea. But, yes in a way I suppose you could call this relationship a rebound but ONLY because it was a short time after my other one. I was in no hurry whatsoever to jump back into something. This one just kind of happened and I fell like a rock for her. Im that guy, that all my friends are like, yeah good luck with marrying him. Not because I'm wild or anything Im just incredibly independent. My mom is the same way, prob because my parents got divorced when I was 8 (27 now) and she had to be that way for me and my brother. So she instilled that attitude in us. We have a great dad don't get me wrong he's just right down the street and always always has been. WAY off topic now sorry.

But no, Ive been in rebound relationships and this is def not one. I really do love this girl. Im saying that with a straight face and... I just do. I mean I can't help it. Like I said before, I wanted to marry her and I just always figured we would be married and we talked about kids names and blah blah. Talked about it with my parents non the less. Anyway, I mean we were just planning to be together forever. Somewhere along the line I forgot that I had to ask her I guess, Im a moron I don't know.

Just to clear things up a bit. She did say she didn't need me when we broke up. She said "You know how you taught me to stand on my own 2 feet, well Im doing it, you taught me too well." And said she wasn't in love with me. THen she called me a week later and said sorry for saying those things that she wasn't being "her." So, yeah she said it and yes it absolutely killed me to sit there and take it, and try to stay in check but I did for the most part. A tear ran down my face (a 1st for me) but you know.

My God Im sorry for getting all off topic. Yes I healed from the previous relationship. I knew in my head and my heart that wasn't going to work. I just didn't know what it felt like to be broken up with. I feel like I need to call all my ex g/fs and apoligize to them ha. Its pretty terrible. But this one... the present one... I just don't think its over. You can call me stupid like everybody else is, but I just don't. I think it can be reconciled... we will see I guess.

Thanks for not jumping to conclusions in your last thread

Tali - Good observation. I very well could be. I will tell you this, I did make some of the same mistakes and from the previous relationship, I was just hurt. Like I got my feelings hurt. Aww yeah poor me whatever. But, this time I stepped back and actively assessed the situation and wrote down what was good bad and ugly. Along with many other thoughts. I don't want a quick fix, I realize I have to show her. But the MAIN problem was she thought I was never going to committ. Can't say that I blame her.

Example: She was going to move to get her 2nd masters. She would be moving in... I don't know, call it 6 months. She always used to ask how long I thought it would be before I was ready to get married. I kind of pushed the question to the side like most guys do. So grad school was going to take another 2 years and she would be 2 hrs away. I was trying to play it cool and make her feel comfortable when I said "its ok, go for it, I'll see you on the weekends." That was the WRONG answer. I should have paid attention more and realized she was thinking that was going to be 2 more years before we got married. See what Im saying? I didn't see it then though...

You are who you are and I don't think you're stupid,nor a moron for that matter;mostly people here don't share your opinion,as you have gathered(!)-and we have,every single one of us who have posted on this thread,been where you are now at least once.

That's why we recommend what worked for us.

Again,I advice you to look at the facts.
What would you advice a stranger who presented your problem to you?

Right, and I have thank you so much for just thinking about what your saying to me as opposed to just writing NC in huge letters. Im not knocking anyone on here please don't think that. The fact is, NC does work!! Without a doubt it works because you do head soooo sooo much faster and that's the point of this whole thing right? Right. Its just been 3 weeks but it helped me step back and evaluate my situation. For me however, I don't want to give up on this yet, as you know. So NC forever, may not be the solution to giving it another shot. That's all I was ever trying to say.

Ive thought about that and I would advise them to assess the situation and move very cautiously at first. Warning them, as you all do, that it might blow up in their face. Even it does, look on the bright side, you tried you know?

Let me justify what I just said real quick so I don't get blasted for it. By trying I mean actively trying and making rational decisions on when to do what and how to do it. Just kind feel it out. I DO NOT mean to call at 2:00 am singing that "I miss you now song" to her. Just wanted to clear that up

So NC forever, may not be the solution to giving it another shot. Thats all I was ever trying to say.

We know what you are trying to say. Its clear that you have made up your mind. I just don't understand why you come here asking these questions if you already know what you are going to do.

Leave her alone man. You are acting like a wimp and its not attractive to any woman. If a doctor told you you were sick, would you believe him? She has told you that its over and that she doesn't want you. Why don't you believe her? Do you think she's lying to see how you react? I think not sir!:D

Not attacking you and I don't think you are dumb or a moron, you are just letting your emotions get the best of you. When all you have to do is look in the mirror and realize that this is over. I don't know what else to say but that's what it is, over. The End:eek:

OK

UPDATE: Ok, my ex called a little bit ago asking me a question about where a place was located and the hours they were open. Just a random question. We talked for about 10 min, laughed a little. I asked her if she wanted to get something to eat sometime this week and she said yes. It wasn't a reluctant yes, she didn't even think about it. She told me that yesterday (saturday) she just sat outside all day and did nothing. I don't think she was trying to hint at anything but I don't know. She said her schedule was in her car and so I just told her to get back with me. I ended the conversation with "just let me know when youre available, and Ill talk to you later."

Any advice for my next steps?

Well,wait for her to call,as that is what you have decided to do.
And continue to let her pull your strings.