Here's a little back story:
There are two of us that work as receptionists in a small office. I work 2 weekdays, as well as every other Sat. and she works 3 weekdays as well as every other Sat. I just started going to school full-time as well (decided to go back to college) on the days I don't work (3 days/week). I let my employer know well in advance (after being at this job for 1 1/2 years) about my plans to go back to school, and said that I wanted to stay at the job, but wanted to see if it worked for them to switch days around (there were only certain days my classes were offered). They accepted, and said they wanted to keep me on, and the other woman switched days with me. I am nearing the end of my 1st semester, and needed to sign-up for next semester's classes. Unfortunately again, my classes were only offered on certain days, so I asked her to switch with me again(her other part-time job is very flexible). I can tell that they are irritated because neither of us will be here 2 or more days in a row(She will work Mon,Wed,Fri, every other sat, and I will work Tues,Thurs, and every other sat), but there isn't anything I can do.
So here's the thing:
A while back she told me she would be taking a vacation, and we could work that around my school schedule. I said to let me know when, and I would let her know when my school vacations were. (I would be willing to work a whole school vacation for her, as she has worked for me in the past, and switched her schedule around for me).
So, she called me at home one day while she was at work and said that she was looking online at my college calendar, and said that her husband couldn't get the time off from work during my spring break, and she asked if I would take some days off from school to work for her so she could go on vacation. (The week after my spring break). I was a little caught off-guard, because I never would have thought that she'd even ask something like that. I mean, this is my education, that my husband and I are struggling to pay for, and I am working my off to get good grades. (However, I did just take 2 days off from school to go to my best friend's wedding in Italy, and then I missed more school because I got the swine flu on the plane ride back, which I had to work my off for even more to catch-up, which took me almost a month).
I will have a few of the same teachers next semester, and they take 10 points off your grade for each absence, and don't take it lightly if you miss school to work. I hesitantly told her that I would have to see the syllabus for each class before I committed to anything; to see if there were midterms. I said I would not be able to work if there were midterms, and if there weren't, then "maybe", but I would have to see the syllabus for classes first.
She sent an email today saying that she booked her trip for March 30-April 7, and wanted to give me and the bosses a heads up. (my spring break is March 22-26, so my first day back from break would be the 29th). She acted like I already said yes!
My supervisor asked me about it and he and her are acting like it's no big deal for me to take school off, and they are acting like I already said yes. I told him the same thing I told her, (that I need to see if there are any mid-terms, etc. first) but I really just want to say no, because I can't take school off whether there are mid-terms. I am just afraid I won't get a christmas bonus, (which I need) or may even get fired if I say no.
P.S.
1. My supervisor is a micro-managing control freak that is buddy-buddy with the owner and her, has never been nice to me, and plays favorites with the other woman even though I do a majority of the work, and she makes tons of mistakes.
2. I don't even know what she does while she's at work; nothing is ever done, she leaves me lists of things to do that were supposed to be done while she was here, and it has seemed like she has been trying to sabotage me for a while.
3.I have wanted to leave this job for a very long time, but the economy is bad, and I am afraid to leave considering I need the money.
I need advice!

PS-
She just left me a note last week, saying, "I am going to need some extra Saturdays off starting in January; I'll find out the dates and let you know. Just a heads up."
Instead of asking me, she orders me.

You respond by telling her you are willing to cover for her when you aren't otherwise occupied. That she needs to give you reasonable notice and that you may not always be able to accommodate her.

That seems like an easy thing to do, but I'm just afraid that I will look like a jerk to the boss, because she has covered for me before, and switched her schedule around completely (twice). But I feel like it was completely overlooked that for 6 months or so, I was working 2, 3, and sometimes 4 Saturdays in a row for her (during the summer as well, when I had things I could've been doing on those days). I feel like they think that she has done me all these favors, and now I owe her (she obviously thinks I owe her because she acts entitled and doesn't even ask me, but tells me I'm going to work extra Saturdays, and assumes I mean yes when I say maybe). I think she is a suck-up, and a manipulative opportunist. I can't take school off, but I don't know what to say to my bosses to justify not helping her out.

You have your days, if you can do it without hurting yourself, great, if you can' merely say no.

But then remember also next semester she may say no to changing days with you to fit a school schedule.

I think you're both right, I just need to be true to myself. I will just tell them that I would like to help, but I can't do it because my grades will suffer. They will just have to take it or leave it. If they fire me they fire me, and it would actually be a blessing (other than financially). Thank you.

My supervisor has always been an overly critical controlling bully. I am supposed to be in a little before 9am. Lately I have been getting to work @ 8:55, or 9:00. The other day, I got to the office @ 9, and said sorry for being late. He said, "You're not late". Today I got to work @ 9:05 because I was already running late and got stuck behind a slow driver. I came in and said I was sorry for being late. He said,"Good Morning" in a really stern, gruff tone. A couple minutes later he says,"How can we get you to be here a few minutes earlier; do I need to have coffee waiting here for you?", in a really nasty tone with an attitude. I understand being late is not good, but does he have to be so nasty? He's always been mean to me, and looked for things to critize, but now I feel like he is just taking the opportunity to treat me like crap. I told him that I was sorry, that I have just been a little burnt-out because I've been staying up late doing homework, and I would go to bed earlier and really try to get here earlier. (I'm 26, and just went back to college).

There is NO excuse for being late except that you do not care! All you need to do is set your alarm clock for a half hour earlier and get up. Get dressed and go to work. Making excuses for not being where you have committed to being on time or early is immature at best and down right rude to others at worst.

but does he have to be so nasty? Hello E:

No, he doesn't. But the world isn't fair... But, WAIT a minute... You can QUIT. That'll show him.

excon

I'm not making excuses. There are REASONS I am late that I do not want to tell him because he has no compassion. I hate my job because he is a bully, and I am up late tossing and turning in bed because I am so stressed about work, and ready to have a nervous breakdown.

I can't quit; I need the money.

You really need to learn to adjust. The job has stress, your boss is a jerk. Welcome to the real world. I spend 17 years under one jerk boss and 5 more under another one. So what! You have two choices, learn to work with your boss or quit! It is that simple. Get to work early, adjust your attitude about work and watch how your bossed attitude changes toward you.

I'm not making excuses. There are REASONS I am late that I do not want to tell him because he has no compassion. Hello again, E:

If you have to get up 3 hours earlier in order to get to work on time, do it. You say there are reasons, but they SOUND like excuses to him. Besides, your PERSONAL problems are not his PERSONAL problems. To lay them on him, and expect compassion, WILL result in you having unfulfilled expectations, which is exactly what's happening. The workplace is NOT a social agency, and your boss is NOT a counselor.

It would be MY guess, that it's those unfulfilled expectations about what your workplace IS, that's causing all the stress - not your bosses desire to have you at work on time.

excon

I do not EXPECT compassion from him. I EXPECT him to be critical and nasty, because that is who he is, even if I am on time and do everything right. The thing that gets me is that when I came in @ 9, he said I WAS NOT late. That means that I was 5 minutes late 1 day, and he was immediately nasty about it. I just know that he has always disliked me and looked for something to criticize, even when I have been early for work, busted my butt, skipped eating lunch, (I don't get a lunchbreak; I have to eat standing up and run to my desk if a customer pulls in) and got everything done perfectly. He tries to find faults in everything. He is my supervisor; my boss is really nice but never around. It's like good cop bad cop.
It is not unfullfilled expectations, or that he wants me here on time. I realize that it is important to be on time. I am on time or early most of the time. It is the fact that when a person is expected to be perfect every second of every day like a robot, it can overwhelm a human being. Can't a person just get an ounce of compassion once in a blue moon? He could have said something like, "I really need you to be a few minutes earlier", in a normal tone, instead of being an ***hole. It is that he is bordering on mentally abusive with the way he speaks to me (most of the time). It is that when I am on time, and do everything perfectly I still get treated like I am a piece of dirt. It is just worse when HE has an EXCUSE to treat me like dirt.

I do not EXPECT compassion from him. I EXPECT him to be critical and nasty, because that is who he is, Hello again, E:

Ok, then.

You need to decide which is more important - your income or your sanity. If you decide it's your income, then buck up and STOP complaining. You said it best. He IS who he IS, and he ain't going to change.

If you decide it's your sanity, QUIT.

But, to stay, and make yourself miserable is bonkers.

excon

I also think that he is mad at me, because the other woman that works here (the other days of the week) wants me to take days off from school next semester to work for her so she can go on vacation, and I have not given her an answer yet, because I need to find out my schedule and see when my mid-terms are. (Although I don't want to take time off from school because my grades will suffer -10pts. f/ each absence). He plays favorites, and she is his favorite. (I think they may be having an affair). She leaves her work for me to do, and he never acknowledges that I do her work as well as my own. (I have a whole other post about her asking me to take school time off.) I wouldn't call in sick to work to get homework done! But anyway, I think he knows I don't want to take school off, and he's probably p*ss*d about that too.

There's an update with this ridiculous situation, and I need to rant for a while:
So, my boss said to me that because she has done the majority of favors for me, I need to basically cover whatever she wants me to. It was worded slightly different, and I mean only slightly. I told him the situation with school, and that I didn't want to commit to something where I would be stuck working during mid-terms, (not knowing when my mid-terms are yet). He is basically acting like it's no big deal to miss school. He also mentioned that she needs me to work more Saturdays coming up, and said in a round-about way that I need to work them for her. I will do what I can, but what if I have something important? I don't matter because "she has done soooo many favors for me"? She was switching Saturdays around like crazy for 6 months or so, and I worked so many extra Saturdays for her; cancelled plans, etc. etc.-but that goes unnoticed!! Also, he said that in the summer when I'm "done" with school, we'll go back to the old schedule. I was planning on doing the 2nd summer session of classes from July-August, but I guess he ruled that out! (I wanted to do it in less time so I can get the hell out of here and get a good job) When I originally told them about school, and gave them the option of keeping me around or not, they should have said no then instead of making me feel bad and stressing me out now, after school has started. I want to just walk out of here and tell them all to F-Off! I need the money though, and I don't know what to do! I am so sick of my every move being scrutinized, and having to "make-it-up-to-her"! She is not the "savior" that they think she is. They're also OBSESSED with my eating habits-I'm a vegetarian-so every day there is some comment about what I'm eating or not eating, and "you need some protein". I get plenty of protein, thank you-there are sources of protein other than dead animals! I am sick of their comments and scrutinizing!!

There's an update with this ridiculous situation that I posted on the other thread, "my coworker asked me to take school off to work for her" and I need to rant for a while:
So, my boss said to me that because she (the other receptionist) has done the majority of favors for me, (working for me when I went on vacation, etc.) I need to basically cover whatever she wants me to. It was worded slightly different, and I mean only slightly. I told him the situation with school, and that I didn't want to commit to something where I would be stuck working during mid-terms, (not knowing when my mid-terms are yet). He is basically acting like it's no big deal to miss school. He also mentioned that she needs me to work more Saturdays coming up, and said in a round-about way that I need to work them for her. I will do what I can, but what if I have something important? I don't matter because "she has done soooo many favors for me"? She was switching Saturdays around like crazy for 6 months or so, and I worked so many extra Saturdays for her; cancelled plans, etc. etc.-but that goes unnoticed!! Also, he said that in the summer when I'm "done" with school, we'll go back to the old schedule. I was planning on doing the 2nd summer session of classes from July-August, but I guess he ruled that out! (I wanted to do it in less time so I can get the hell out of here and get a good job) When I originally told them about school, and gave them the option of keeping me around or not, they should have said no then instead of making me feel bad and stressing me out now, after school has started. I want to just walk out of here and tell them all to F-Off! I need the money though, and I don't know what to do! I am so sick of my every move being scrutinized, and having to "make-it-up-to-her"! She is not the "savior" that they think she is. They're also OBSESSED with my eating habits-I'm a vegetarian-so every day there is some comment about what I'm eating or not eating, and "you need some protein". I get plenty of protein, thank you-there are sources of protein other than dead animals! I am sick of their comments and scrutinizing!!

My boss and supervisor are OBSESSED with my eating habits! They are always making comments; I can not just eat what I want in peace. I am a vegetarian, but even before I became a full-time vegetarian they always had some kind of comment about what I was eating, like:
"Just a salad?"
(big salad w/tons of veggies and either chicken or chickpeas plus snacks)

"What's for lunch?" followed by, asking about how I made it, how many calories, grams of protein are in it, etc. etc.

After asking me if I want anything and me replying, no thanks I brought lunch, asking me what I brought and "where's the protein?"

It's constant. I eat very well. I am 5'3" and 123lbs. I was always very thin as a child and adolescent and have never had any eating disorder, other than maybe OVER-eating. I eat more than my husband. I eat all different kinds of foods for lunch including fattening ones, like pizza and calzones (veggie, now) and pasta, salads, stirfry, etc.
I am soooo sick of their comments and scrutinizing! It's giving me a friggin complex! I try not to eat when they're in the office now, just to avoid it. (I work 8hr. Days, but am paid for the full 8, and I'm not allowed a lunch break-I have to eat while the office is open, can't leave, and have to stand and eat at the kitchen counter away from my desk; and have to run to my desk if the phone rings or someone pulls into the parking lot.)
What is their obsession? I'm starting to think I'm losing it.

I used to work at an office myself, and when I would bring my vegan food, my co-workers and my boss used to comment on my food.

Mostly it because it's new and unfimiliar.

If anything tell ask them: "Does my vegetarian lifestyle bother you?"

Or something to the effect.

Let them know it makes you uncomfortable and if they have QUESTIONS about vegetarianism they can ask you.

Sometimes you just need to speak up;)

That's kind of weird. Maybe it's their way of making what they believe is polite conversation? 5'3" and 123lbs is slender. Could they be concerned that you are heading towards anorexia? It doesn't sound like you are, but maybe they are worried. I've noticed some people seem to be a little obsessed with protein and believe that we needs tons and tons of protein to be healthy. Maybe if you started educating them about how much protein you really need and how much protein you can get from non-meat sources they'll leave you alone. If every time they bother you they get a nutrition lecture, maybe they'll get the hint and leave you alone.

Thank you, that is some good advice. The only thing is, I have responded before with telling them that someone my age should get 45 grams of protein per day, I get plenty, and tried to educate them. It really is so annoying because it is every day if they are around. I feel like telling them I am going to eat T-bones for lunch. LOL. I shouldn't have to deal with this crap. I'll try what you said &speak up and educate them until they don't want to hear it anymore.

What exactly do they say?

Is it like:

"That's all your eating?"

"Eww salad"

"Wow just a ____ you need some meat-- that's so bad"

---

If it's anything like that you can say:

"I respect your food choices could you respect mine- thank-you"

They say things like,
"What's for Lunch?"
"Just salad?"
"Oh, veggie calzone; is there any protein?"
"No Protein?", or "Where's the protein?"
"How many calories", "How much protein?"
"What do you eat for protein?"
Today, this was the conversation with my boss:
Boss: "We're gonna go get some subs down the street, do you want anything?"
Me: "No thank you, I brought my lunch."
Boss: "You sure?"
Me: "Ya, I brought a salad, thanks anyway."
Boss: "Oh, just salad? You should eat something good."
Me: "I like salad."
Boss: "Where's the protein?"
Me: "I get plenty of protein."
Boss:"Did you bring like 3 almonds, or some what do you call them, legumes?"


(I bring lentils and rice sometimes, and it took a while for him to understand what lentils are (legumes) and that they have protein)
The last comment he made really made me kind of upset. "3 almonds" I snack on almonds and chocolate chips sometimes (almonds also have protein and monounsaturated fat, which I tried to educate him on, but only to be made fun of) I don't understand the interrogation.
Also, the other day my supervisor (the manager) was in the office when I was ordering a veggie calzone, and I asked him if he wanted anything, to which he replied, "No thanks, what are you getting?!", then asked me what was in my "thermos" which is a stainless water bottle, to which I replied, water. Then, when my lunch arrives, he is standing in the exact spot that I eat lunch every day, putting #'s in his cellphone, so I put my lunch on the counter and kept working, waiting for him to leave. He wouldn't move from that spot for 45 minutes. It was like he was waiting for me to eat so he could see what I had and comment. (There was no other place to eat; it's a small office and I would've had to be about 2 inches away from him to eat). I started vacuuming and then he finally left after 45 minutes of typing in his phone, @ 2pm. I normally eat around 12:30 or 1:00, and I was starving. Of course, my manager is really a different story, he has some serious issues-control freak, passive aggressive, workplace bully, etc. etc.
BTW-They don't eat in the office, they get to leave for lunch. Except that the manager eats a single clementine or orange every morning.

I eat a lot of Lebanese food at work and people are always asking me what it is, or making smart remarks. I offer them some, and then I ignore them.

I think you should do the same, I mean purposely ignore them. If they keep on, tell them ENOUGH. You'd like to enjoy your food, and it's not your fault that they don't eat healthy.

I'm sure you're a nice person, because most of us would have already told them off. But sometimes you have to take care of things like this, in a direct manner.

Don't let them drive you crazy, or ruin your lunch.

You'll get the last word, because you'll out live them all.

Now you go enjoy your bird food.

Just kidding.

When they start bothering you say:

"Please stop questioning my food choices. I feel offended and frankly I don't like defending my food choices on a daily basis. With all due respect you don't see me telling you how bad meat is for you and how you should change your eating habits. Thanks"

Maybe change it up a bit-- make it sound more like you but you get the point.

You need to stand up to them or else the comments will just keep coming. It may not stop completely when tell them but it won't be as much.

:) Good luck. Hope all works out well for you-- I know it can be annoying.

Thanks. I think you're right; the moral of the story is I just need to stand-up for myself and address it directly. However, how do I do that, I mean ignore them-w/o seeming disrespectful?

Smile at them, go "hmm", shake your head while smiling and keep eating.

Mudweiser: Yes, I agree. I need to say something. In fact, there are many other things that I am going to address, and I will address this at the same time. Thanks.

Hope you don't mind a dissenting opinion here. Sometimes, especially in a closed bubble environment like the workplace, you have to "go along to get along".

I'm not sure you're going to gain anything except ill-will by trying to train them to leave you alone on this topic. I can state with 98% certainty they do not mean anything offensive by it. And as such, being offended is actually a personal decision. It is just as reasonable for you to opt to not be bothered.

Not wanting to debate the merits of your eating choices is fine, and I agree you can find ways to not engage them when they bring it up. But I have to suggest that you do it without a confrontation.

The first best approach is always going to be humor. You can indicate you're not interested in talking seriously about a topic by NEVER answering with anything other than a silly comment back.

Boss: "What you eating today?"
You: "Whatever the warden packed"

Boss: "Where's the protein?"
You: "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to eat you."

Boss: "How many calories in that?"
You: "Probably none, you have to pay extra for calories and I'm still waiting for my raise to come through. Bite?"

Boss: "Just a salad?"
You: (looking down in shock) "Holy cow, someone stole my lobster!?"

My husband's a veggo - has been since he was 16 and he HATES people asking him about his eating habits. I've slowly encouraged him not to take it so seriously and to either ignore it or respond with humor. He's slowly getting it. (old dogs learn new tricks slowly)

JB has the right attitude - don't engage in the conversation - just laugh. They know exactly what you have for lunch every day (they do this to annoy you and get a response) - so just say - 'I'm having the usual rabbit food', ha ha.

Don't talk about it, try to justify or explain it or get into any discussion about protein, calories, etc, etc. The more you allow them to drive you crazy, the more they'll keep needling you. If you react with less annoyance, they'll get tired of it eventually.

PS Sorry to be pain, but you're not a vegeterian if you eat chicken.

Sorry to be pain, but you're not a vegeterian if you eat chicken.


I am a vegetarian, but even before I became a full-time vegetarian they always had some kind of comment about what I was eating, like:
"Just a salad?"
(big salad w/tons of veggies and either chicken or chickpeas plus snacks)

Did you catch that Gem ;)

My supervisor is really serious and gruff most of the time. However, whenever I tell him something serious or we're talking about something that is serious, i.e.. Talking about when I was really sick with the swine flu, he smiles; I mean gets a grin/smirk on his face. Sometimes he laughs under his breath at inappropriate times as well. What is his deal?

The older I get, the more I realize that many people have strange habits and behavior.

Is he a hateful person? Do you really think that he actually enjoys hearing about the bad things that you experience? If so, then he is just a jacka$$.

It might be that he reacts to certain situations in an odd way. I know a guy that blinks when he is told something serious. In a recent meeting, I couldn't help but notice his eye lids were flapping like a Hummingbird's wings.

I also know someone who laughs when he is being disciplined.

Some people have strange habits. I hope he is just one of them.

You haven't said (that I know of)... how much do they need you? You may have more leverage than you think in this... although you need to be careful applying it.

No matter what, you can't take off during finals.

Don't worry about the side issues like eating habits, they are distracting you from the main issue. Just laugh at them when they comment.

Have you looked around for other jobs yet?

I just think that some people are not comfortable being one-to-one with other people and the grin or smile is an indication of their discomfort.

That could be the case. However, I think he has deeper issues. He is mean and nasty a lot of the time.

Well, I'm not sure how bad they need me. I know they probably don't want to look around for someone else. (and I do my job well, but I'm not sure if they realize this.) I haven't looked for another job yet, because I have literally no time at all. As soon as I go on my Christmas break, I am looking for a job. I'll have a month to find one before school starts again.

Oh, and now my boss says I don't smile enough now. He jokingly said he's worried about me because I don't smile, and he thinks I'm sad. I told him I smile all the time, and I'm not sad. He said, "Don't take me picking on you personally because I'll never stop."
Did he ever think that maybe because I never get positive reinforcement, and he only picks on me, every time he sees me-maybe that's why I don't have a huge grin on all the time? Maybe it bothers me?

I think what you are doing here is the real cause of dissension in the workplace, not what he is doing.

You're there to work and be productive. Spending time on this stuff (which happens all the time everywhere, so I know I'll get some reaction on this... ) actually sets the stage for so much unneeded pain in the workplace.

It is just as reasonable for you to be forgiving and accepting and unoffended by the tics and quirks of your colleagues as it is for you to get all "what's his problem?" about it. It really is.

Getting along in the workplace is not an exercise in getting others to behave (which is the tack too many people take, fueling the dissension), it is an exercise in us learning tolerance, forgiveness, perseverance and acceptance.

Once you learn that other's oddities don't actually have to impact you deeply, you're already miles ahead of the rest of the pack. Imagine having that skill when someone REALLY tries to hurt you, and can't. Now THAT'S the ticket!

If he is a mean spirited individual perhaps he finds it amusing that you would think he cares at all about your serious issues.
His snikering is an outward snub and a sarcastic response.
I would refrain from sharing anything personal with him in the future.

JBeaucaire :

What exactly am I doing that is wrong? I am just trying to understand WHY he behaves the way he does. I DO work, and I AM productive. He IS mean and nasty, and that is why I wonder why he smirks when I tell him something serious. It seems to me that he has some issues. You really don't know anything about me; I AM a tolerant, forgiving, and very accepting person. However, I do not like being disrespected, because I do not deserve it. This man has been very disrespectful towards me in the past (and present). I am just trying to figure out why he does what he does.

artlady:

I agree. The thing is, I try not to volunteer any personal information, but he is very nosy. So, trying to make conversation, be polite, and not be disrespectful, I answer his questions. Sometimes it leads to him snickering. I am just going to try not to pay attention to it, until I can get another job. (The whole place is pretty disfunctional, and I'm realizing that I don't have to deal with it anymore.)

Well, did you ever tell him that? Sometimes that's just people's nature. I tease a lot of my coworkers. But I know there are limits, and I know when I need to stop or when I've gone too far. Mostly I know because of people's complaints about others jokes. Instead of telling the person that made the "joke" though, they complain to other people about it. And that really doesn't do anything for the situation. You're unhappy. Others sense you're unhappy. But because you don't tell them why you're unhappy, they continue the behavior.

Evgb, I've been in management for years so I am speaking from that standpoint. Please understand I am not arguing with you, I'm pointing out an important skill that is probably far more important than understanding anything about one particular negative-personality employee you have to deal with.

If you think that others should change their behaviors because you "deserve" for them to do it, I'm sorry, I've seen SO MANY problems over the years stemming from this thought process. And hear me when I say your thoughts are reflected by many, many others.

I've just watched it do more damage than good over the years. Truly. And it's sad because you and them weren't wrong in your observations or your desires, only ineffective in getting the result you want.

People don't want to change. They don't. They think what they think, they act the way they act, and they are what they are. C'est la vie!

I hear people say all the time, "I wish so and so had just told me they were unhappy about ____", and you know what?. They're lying, to themselves and to you when they say it. It's the trap, "Do these pants make me look fat?" There's just no safe answer.

But I digress. I'm pointing out that what you CAN do is control how these people impact you. You can choose to laugh at it and move on with your day, or you can analyze and it try to "understand" them to no point. What you really mean is "understand it so I can get them to stop somehow."

That's not going to happen, probably. But you can build up your immunity to it, that you can do.

And hear me say this last thing so you understand, I'm on your side. I want you to succeed. I am suggesting that the way to get to the peace you want, however, exists in understanding yourself, not understanding him.

MY thought on this is really that it is so hard to understand why other people do what they do and sometimes a waster of energy that could be focused elsewhere. It's hard not to be consumed with "other people's stuff". However, I think JBeaucaire was attempting to get you to try. Try to pay less attention to his issues. Clue him in on a need to know basis and never let him see you sweat. It's possible that he is reacting to your reaction or your body language of feeling obligated to tell him. OR maybe he is attempting to show a lighter side and isn't aware of how it comes off. None the less try not to let it ruffle your feathers.

artlady:

I agree. The thing is, I try not to volunteer any personal information, but he is very nosy. So, trying to make conversation, be polite, and not be disrespectful, I answer his questions. Sometimes it leads to him snickering. I am just going to try not to pay attention to it, until I can get another job. (The whole place is pretty disfunctional, and I'm realizing that I don't have to deal with it anymore.)

I am an outspoken person so I would be asking him very directly"Did I say something funny"? Or "Do you normally smile when someone tells you something that is unpleasant"?

Those are both legitimate questions and I don't think its rude to ask them.

Having said that ,I do think your best bet is to find employment (if you can) in a more people orientated environment.

I have found over the years that you need to put work and your workplace relationships in a unique category

Don't expect anything from them except the paycheck and you won't be disappointed.
Best of luck !

I see your point.

Evgb, I've been in management for years so I am speaking from that standpoint. Please understand I am not arguing with you, I'm pointing out an important skill that is probably far more important than understanding anything about one particular negative-personality employee you have to deal with.

If you think that others should change their behaviors because you "deserve" for them to do it, I'm sorry, I've seen SO MANY problems over the years stemming from this thought process. And hear me when I say your thoughts are reflected by many, many others.

I've just watched it do more damage than good over the years. Truly. And it's sad because you and them weren't wrong in your observations or your desires, only ineffective in getting the result you want.

People don't want to change. They don't. They think what they think, they act the way they act, and they are what they are. C'est la vie!

I hear people say all the time, "I wish so and so had just told me they were unhappy about ____", and you know what?....They're lying, to themselves and to you when they say it. It's the trap, "Do these pants make me look fat?" There's just no safe answer.

But I digress. I'm pointing out that what you CAN do is control how these people impact you. You can choose to laugh at it and move on with your day, or you can analyze and it try to "understand" them to no point. What you really mean is "understand it so I can get them to stop somehow."

That's not going to happen, probably. But you can build up your immunity to it, that you can do.

And hear me say this last thing so you understand, I'm on your side. I want you to succeed. I am suggesting that the way to get to the peace you want, however, exists in understanding yourself, not understanding him.

I recognize that I have the ability to not let it bother me, and it does not bother me so much; I am just curious, really. Believe me, there are many things that this man does, and ways that he acts that seem either bizarre or disrespectful to me, and most of the time, I look the other way or laugh. I practice the "skill" of letting things roll off my back daily. I don't think that my question was all that serious; I was just wondering why because I am an inquisitive person. I can live with it; there are much worse things.
I do not think that others should change their behaviors because of what I do or do not deserve. I do however know myself and what I do and do not deserve. I believe that people do not change unless they desire change.
If someone who you see on a daily basis is disrespectful to you, do you say to yourself, "The way this person is behaving towards me is not going to impact me at all, I'm going to laugh it off, and that will result in me getting what I want." ? If you do this, people will continually walk on you like a doormat. Don't get me wrong, I do UNDERSTAND what you are saying. I have taken classes in psychology. However, I don't really feel that my simple little question required the analytical, in-depth, psycho-analysis that you gave me. I guess what I'm saying is, it really isn't that much of a big deal.

I am an outspoken person so I would be asking him very directly"Did I say something funny"? or "Do you normally smile when someone tells you something that is unpleasant"?

Those are both legitimate questions and I don't think its rude to ask them.

Having said that ,I do think your best bet is to find employment (if you can) in a more people orientated environment.

I have found over the years that you need to put work and your workplace relationships in a very unique category

Don't expect anything from them except the paycheck and you won't be disappointed.
Best of luck !

I agree; those are legitimate questions. I am just not very outspoken, which is why I haven't said anything. I mean, this really isn't that big of a deal; I don't really let it bother me or act offended or anything. I was just curious why he might be doing that (it does seem odd). I am going to look for another job; for many other reasons. Thanks.

Personally I'd just ignore him.

If he wants to talk tell him that you're busy working and don't have the time. After all, that's what you're being paid to do, you're not being paid to tell someone about your about with H1N1.

If he persists then complain. There has to be someone higher up then him.

Just do your job. You're not there to make friends, or to converse, you're there to work. If you concentrate on your job and not the people around you, I think that you'll be much happier.

Ok then, I guess when you came here and asked us all to help you understand "why" somebody we don't know as well as you behaves the way he does, I mistakenly took that for an opportunity for analytical, in-depth, psycho-analysis.

I apologize for not making something up about him and generalizing about others in a non-helpful way and accidentally turning the conversation back to ourselves, since I often do that... mostly because I believe talking about people we don't know and/or can't control to be far less useful way to spend time than talking about our own motives/reactions... something we can do something about.

So, again, sorry I mistook your question about personality and reasons he does things and talked about anything but him. My bad. I was trying to help, and clearly stumbled.

Hope you don't mind a dissenting opinion here. Sometimes, especially in a closed bubble environment like the workplace, you have to "go along to get along".

I'm not sure you're going to gain anything except ill-will by trying to train them to leave you alone on this topic. I can state with 98% certainty they do not mean anything offensive by it. And as such, being offended is actually a personal decision. It is just as reasonable for you to opt to not be bothered.

Not wanting to debate the merits of your eating choices is fine, and I agree you can find ways to not engage them when they bring it up. But I have to suggest that you do it without a confrontation.

The first best approach is always going to be humor. You can indicate you're not interested in talking seriously about a topic by NEVER answering with anything other than a silly comment back.

Boss: "What you eating today?"
You: "Whatever the warden packed"

Boss: "Where's the protein?"
You: "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to eat you."

Boss: "How many calories in that?"
You: "Probably none, you have to pay extra for calories and I'm still waiting for my raise to come through. Bite?"

Boss: "Just a salad?"
You: (looking down in shock) "Holy cow, someone stole my lobster!?"

I already decided that I am not going to say anything. I wasn't going to try and "train" them to leave me alone; I was going to address it directly. However, that is unrealistic. I am not very outspoken, and I would rather not say anything than come-off in a way that would offend them. I avoid confrontation whenever possible; I am a very laidback, easy going person.
To quote you: "Being offended is actually a personal decision." : I never said that I was OFFENDED. However, I do not want to be interrogated about my eating habits. I do not want to have to explain my food choices every day either, nor should I have to.
I should add that this has been happening for over a year now. Almost every day. I think that after that long, it would get on anyone's nerves. It really takes a lot to annoy me. I usually let things roll off my back.
If they ask what I'm eating, I'm just going to quote them, and say something like, "Just my usual bird-food". (They have called it bird-food before.)

PS Sorry to be pain, but you're not a vegeterian if you eat chicken.

I USED to eat chicken, sometimes. I do not anymore. I was just describing what I used to eat, because this started before I became a vegetarian.

did you catch that Gem ;)

Thanks.

Ok then, I guess when you came here and asked us all to help you understand "why" somebody we don't know as well as you behaves the way he does, I mistakenly took that for an opportunity for analytical, in-depth, psycho-analysis.

I apologize for not making something up about him and generalizing about others in a non-helpful way and accidentally turning the conversation back to ourselves, since I often do that...mostly because I believe talking about people we don't know and/or can't control to be far less useful way to spend time than talking about our own motives/reactions...something we can do something about.

So, again, sorry I mistook your question about personality and reasons why he does things and talked about anything but him. My bad. I was trying to help, and clearly stumbled.

I have to spread the rep but I agree.

To the OP. You're upset because of your supervisor, you want help understanding him, then, when we offer sound advise, you get upset because "we don't know you". Well, we don't know your supervisor either. We don't know why he's smiling when you tell him a sad story. We don't know why he's mean. We don't know why he wears blue underwear or dances in the rain. We don't know him, we don't know you. How are we supposed to judge him when we don't know him?

We can only give you advice on how to handle the situation. We cannot tell you what's wrong with your supervisor. Maybe he's got mental issues. Maybe his goldfish died and he's taking it out on you. Maybe he's caught you chatting while you should be working and that's why he's mean. Maybe he thinks the swine flu was engineered by our government to cut back the population and he thinks you should be one of them. We don't know!

The advice we give is based on what you tell us. Of course your version of him is going to be unfavorable, because you're upset about the things he does. That's understandable, but not the whole story, just your side of it.

If you're really that unhappy then quite and find something else.

Offended, bothered, irritated, disrespected, irked to the point you seek the counsel of others on the topic in private... you can take any one of these terms and say "that's not me" and as far as I vote, they're all just tones of the same thing.

You're dissatisfied with your supervisor and your work environment.

Based on this thread and the other one we're interacting on, I can't help but notice it's pretty much the same thing. You don't like what they say/do/inflect/grin at/smirk timing... I would surmise there are probably several other things you haven't brought up yet we could make another thread or three out of.

And truth be told, you're probably right all the way down the line. It's all happening pretty much like you describe it, even if there is an innocence on their part, your feelings are getting hurt and you're tired of it.

This can be very dissatisyfing. Truly. I know, I've stood in the middle of this many times in my life.

Like you, I've decided over time that I'm not a doormat, so I tend to meet things I don't like head-on. I talk about these items pretty much immediately with the people it concerns.

"I'm sorry, let me apologize now if I've ever given you the impression I think that is OK to say to me, or joke with me about. It's not, and it's probably my fault you thought it was ok, so accept my apology and we just won't do that anymore, ok?"

I've had to use variations on that one in most of the jobs I've had over the past 20 years.

But there is such a thing as hopeless, too. And when the hopeless is coming from your superiors... oh my.

I've walked away from two jobs in my life for this very thing. They were in charge. It was their "house" and I wasn't a doormat. So I bid them well, told them the truth about why I was leaving ("I can't work for you, you think it's ok to treat me/customers/colleagues the way you do and it's not ok. I have to leave you to run this place the way you want. I wish you well and hope my work has been exemplary.")... and left. No regrets.

It's a tough economy, so it's hard, I know. But you're not trapped. You can expend whatever energy you can free up each week to apply toward finding a new opportunity for yourself, then leave. I would expect that would be better for you in so many ways.

Things HAVE to be better elsewhere, don't they? Based on what you've said in your threads so far, this is an oppressing environment.

I'd say, in parting, that you leaving and telling them truthfully why you're leaving is the only way there's a chance they'll get better. Try to get them to stop while you're still there and they'll just blame you / abuse you for judging them. If you're gone, they have no choice but to blame themselves...

... and perhaps in that moment they'll do better for the next guy.

The fact is, it's bothering you, because you choose to let it.

You seem to be very sensitive and that's only going to work against you in the work place, unless you work alone or out of your home you're always going to be among other people and you're not always going to get along with them. It's time to get a stiffer spine.

They know exactly what you have for lunch every day (they do this to annoy you and get a response) - so just say - 'I'm having the usual rabbit food', ha ha.

Don't talk about it, try to justify or explain it or get into any discussion about protein, calories, etc, etc. The more you allow them to drive you crazy, the more they'll keep needling you. If you react with less annoyance, they'll get tired of it eventually.

PS Sorry to be pain, but you're not a vegeterian if you eat chicken.

That is exactly what I am going to do, say, "My usual bird/rabbit food".
I don't react with annoyance that I know of, but maybe they can sense it.
P.S. I don't eat chicken-I used to.

If you're really that unhappy then [quit] and find something else.

I'd adjust that to "find something else, then quit."

And when I left, I would gently but honestly tell them why I'm leaving. That's the only way they'll possibly get it.


This situation mimics "dating protocol" very closely. Most people are awful boyfriends and girlfriends until we've LOST enough of them and know what we did each time to cause it to try better each time with someone new until we finally get it right. It's hard to not be mad at someone who tells us we're bad and then stays in our life, they give us an out, we can be mad at them and not change anything.

But if someone tells us we're bad and does it calmly, not angry or aggressively, and then leaves our lives because of it, we're left with only ourselves to consider, better chance we'll improve that way. I call it "learning through loss".

The fact is, it's bothering you, because you choose to let it.

You seem to be very sensitive and that's only going to work against you in the work place, unless you work alone or out of your home you're always going to be among other people and you're not always going to get along with them. It's time to get a stiffer spine.

I am a sensitive person. I do not consider that a bad thing. I think that for them to continually say these things to me is INsensitive. I don't care if you think otherwise.

I am a sensitive person. I do not consider that a bad thing. I think that for them to continually say these things to me is INsensitive. I don't care if you think otherwise.

Being sensitive isn't a bad thing, when you're around family and friends.

Being sensitive in a work environment can make it almost impossible for you to work effectively.

I was like you. I used to work for a huge company and I have to admit that I cared what others thought about me. I had to learn the hard way that they're opinions didn't matter, I wasn't there to gain their acceptance, I was there to do my job. Once I focused on that I was fine.

If you cannot get over this then you'll never find a job you're happy with.

You have to be the duck, let the insults slide off your back like water.

I've walked away from two jobs in my life for this very thing. They were in charge. It was their "house" and I wasn't a doormat. So I bid them well, told them the truth about why I was leaving ("I can't work for you, you think it's ok to treat me/customers/colleagues the way you do and it's not ok. I have to leave you to run this place the way you want. I wish you well and hope my work has been exemplary.")... and left. No regrets.

I'd say, in parting, that you leaving and telling them truthfully why you're leaving is the only way there's a chance they'll get better. Try to get them to stop while you're still there and they'll just blame you / abuse you for judging them. If you're gone, they have no choice but to blame themselves...

...and perhaps in that moment they'll do better for the next guy.


I have decided that in the month I have off from school, I am going to look for another job.
I have spoken to friends and family about this situation, and am honestly on here because I know they are sick of hearing it. And, even if they aren't, they have their problems too, and I don't want to be talking about this all the time.
Some people tell me that I have to tell them why I am leaving (the truth).
Some people say I shouldn't because that would burn bridges.
I feel like I should tell them why I am leaving because:
1. I think it could benefit the next person that works there.
2. It sounds a little flaky, but Karmically, it may benefit me to get the truth out, and maybe this won't happen at my next job.
I wonder if my supervisor would give me a good reference anyway? I mean, he's always seemed to hate me for no reason.

I am a sensitive person. I do not consider that a bad thing. I think that for them to continually say these things to me is INsensitive. I don't care if you think otherwise.

And that, dear, is why you fail. Asking people for their opinions and for their help, and then being defensive like this when we are all on your side and your side alone, this is why you're dissatisfied. About so many things.

Being sensitive isn't a bad thing, when you're around family and friends.

Being sensitive in a work environment can make it almost impossible for you to work effectively.

I was like you. I used to work for a huge company and I have to admit that I cared what others thought about me. I had to learn the hard way that they're opinions didn't matter, I wasn't there to gain their acceptance, I was there to do my job. Once I focused on that I was fine.

If you cannot get over this then you'll never find a job you're happy with.

You have to be the duck, let the insults slide off your back like water.

There is a lot more going on at my job than what is posted here. Just know that I'm not THAT sensitive. This is just a drop in a lake. The point is, I do not deserve how I am being treated. Period.

Some people tell me that I have to tell them why I am leaving (the truth).
Some people say I shouldn't because that would burn bridges.
I feel like I should tell them why I am leaving because:
1. I think it could benefit the next person that works there.
2. It sounds a little flaky, but Karmically, it may benefit me to get the truth out, and maybe this won't happen at my next job.
I wonder if my supervisor would give me a good reference anyway? I mean, he's always seemed to hate me for no reason.

Life is FULL of so much crap social science... and crap regular science... I mean, didn't your parents tell you not to go swimming for 30 minutes after eating? What a crock! Totally made up by some mom 100 years ago who got a cramp while swimming and kids have been paying for it forever!

Burn that bridge honey, if that's the only play left to you on the way out. You will NOT regret it, I promise you. You do not need the "reference" of fools anyway. Get the next job, THEN leave, make it a non-issue.

You're absolutely right. Only telling the truth with calm, gentle confidence, will do any good. Leaving and telling them nothing is a crock, too.

And that, dear, is why you fail. Asking people for their opinions and for their help, and then being defensive like this when we are all on your side and your side alone, this is why you're dissatisfied. About so many things.

"I fail" haha. Don't call me dear, with that condescending attitude. I just love that people are judging me when they don't know the whole situation. I have my reasons I am dissatisfied and I don't need to defend myself to you. I came on here, because I needed to vent a little about being picked-on at work. Simple as that. I just wanted a little compassion. Then, I get these messages saying I'm too sensitive. If someone harassed you every day about everything, not just your food, you'd be dissatisfied too.

If someone harassed you every day about everything, not just your food, you'd be dissatisfied too.

Yep, I would. Very much so.

But dear, we're not your friends. We're your advocates. Unlike your friends, we don't have to assuage your gentle sensibilities. We're not afraid to judge and levy honest suggestions. Even your "I don't have to explain myself to you" stuff which probably gets some of your family and friends and maybe a colleague or two in line... even that doesn't scare us off.

We're here for you. That's why we spend time here on the forum. Because we think your issues are worth discussing with you. We think you can take it. We think you can handle it, even if you don't. We're OK making you defend yourself if it will help you in the end.

We only want one thing. For you to go away from this site feeling emboldened and ready to face your situations with a new resolve. That's all. We don't need you to like us at the same time. We're going to be completely OK if you overcome fully in spite of disagreeing with us.

Heck, we relish it! So make it happen.

... dear. ;)

"I fail" haha. Don't call me dear, with that condescending attitude. I just love that people are judging me when they don't know the whole situation. I have my reasons why I am dissatisfied and I don't need to defend myself to you. I came on here, because I needed to vent a little about being picked-on at work. Simple as that. I just wanted a little compassion. Then, I get these messages saying I'm too sensitive. If someone harassed you every day about everything, not just your food, you'd be dissatisfied too.

We don't know the whole situation because you haven't told us.

We base our posts on what you tell us, not what you're hiding from us.

As for being dissatisfied if someone harassed me, no, I'd be gone, or I'd deal with it.

OK.

The only thing that I am defensive about is the fact that I say what he has been doing, and then it seems like you are saying that I'm doing something to deserve it, or it's my fault that I let it bother me. I'm not, trust me, he's just an a-h*le. His behavior bothers me. Period. I don't deserve it. Period.

Look, the way I see it, you either deal with it (and grow a thicker skin), or you don’t. In the end, it’s really that easy, because it’s up to you.

Of course we all ‘deserve’ to be treated better in certain circumstances, but sometimes – in fact often – life isn’t like that. For whatever reason we get treated badly, or insensitively or meanly. Sadly, we don’t have control over how others treat us, but happily we do have control over our own reactions and responses.

If there is lots of $hit going down in your workplace and you don’t like it, then the decision to leave is a good one. Be aware though that your sensitivity follows you into every workplace and that there will be sarcastic, mean or annoying people everywhere you go.

We now have several generations of people in some workplaces – baby boomers, generation X and Y and now Generation Z. What this means is that not only will people be different but they will have differing approaches to their work and their colleagues dependent on their generational upbringing. It’s a melting pot and it means that we have to adjust to all sorts of personalities, attitudes and expectations.

If you continue to wear your sensitivity on your sleeve then people will pick up on it. Some people think that there is nothing better than needling someone who is sensitive – don’t kid yourself, even when you’re trying your hardest not to react they know they’re getting to you.

So, in the end the answer lies with you. Hard as it may be you have to lighten up. I assure you that I speak from personal experience here – I’ve been in your shoes and I do understand how hurtful and distressing your experiences in the workplace are.

Nevertheless, as I said, ultimately the only person that can do anything about it is you. If you can see and understand the lesson in this for yourself, your future workplace (and life) experiences will be much more pleasant.

I really do wish you well. Here’s to lightening up!

"So, again, sorry I mistook your question about personality and reasons why he does things and talked about anything but him. My bad. I was trying to help, and clearly stumbled."

Wouldn't it make sense to talk about him, when I'm asking about him?
I don't enjoy arguing, so I am done.

Look, the way I see it, you either deal with it (and grow a thicker skin), or you don’t. In the end, it’s really that easy, because it’s up to you.

Of course we all ‘deserve’ to be treated better in certain circumstances, but sometimes – in fact often – life isn’t like that. For whatever reason we get treated badly, or insensitively or meanly. Sadly, we don’t have control over how others treat us, but happily we do have control over our own reactions and responses.

If there is lots of $hit going down in your workplace and you don’t like it, then the decision to leave is a good one. Be aware though that your sensitivity follows you into every workplace and that there will be sarcastic, mean or annoying people everywhere you go.

We now have several generations of people in some workplaces – baby boomers, generation X and Y and now Generation Z. What this means is that not only will people be different but they will have differing approaches to their work and their colleagues dependent on their generational upbringing. It’s a melting pot and it means that we have to adjust to all sorts of personalities, attitudes and expectations.

If you continue to wear your sensitivity on your sleeve then people will pick up on it. Some people think that there is nothing better than needling someone who is sensitive – don’t kid yourself, even when you’re trying your hardest not to react they know they’re getting to you.

So, in the end the answer lies with you. Hard as it may be you have to lighten up. I assure you that I speak from personal experience here – I’ve been in your shoes and I do understand how hurtful and distressing your experiences in the workplace are.

Nevertheless, as I said, ultimately the only person that can do anything about it is you. If you can see and understand the lesson in this for yourself, your future workplace (and life) experiences will be much more pleasant.

I really do wish you well. Here’s to lightening up!

I agree with most of what you say here. After about the 5th or so post on here, I already decided what to do. However, people started attacking ME saying that I'm too sensitive, yada yada yada. I've only been defending myself here. I came on here to vent, not to defend myself. I know I'm the only person that can do anything about it, and so I am going to do something about it. As for lightening up, this is part of the problem-I am a really laid back person, and my work environment/co-workers are extremely uptight and serious. This is why it doesn't work. You can say I may be too sensitive, or need to get thicker skin, that's one thing; it's another to say I'm the one that needs to lighten up. I think there are a lot of people on here that need to lighten up, chill out, and maybe not come off so combative.
Thanks.

No one, no one, enjoys being told that what they think isn't all there is to think about. We like being told we're right. We like being told our position is valid and everyone else is wrong and blah blah blah.

But what you're missing, and I understand that, too, what you're missing is the things you don't want to hear are the only kind of things that are going to help you. And since you don't want to hear, all you want is consoling, well, we can do that. But what a waste of an opportunity.

Talking about him and why he does anything... a waste of energy for us. We are only hearing your side of it, so even if you're 1000% fair and accurate... so what? We can't tell you why he does anything.

Even if we pretend we're talking about him to keep you engaged, we're still really talking about you, because that's all we can really hope to affect... the person who is here and talking and interacting with us. He isn't, you are.

Heck, we can barely carry on a decent in-depth discussion with you about you based on the things we actually hear you say. And you don't want to hear it anyway.

That's unfortunate. While we've been discussing this with you, you "feel" like you're having an argument. Very bad result, I'd say. So much to be garnered, and once again feelings get in the way of the journey of discovery.

Well, if you feel better tomorrow and wish to discuss it, we'll certainly be around.

But if what you want is someone to pat you on the back, tell you everything is their fault and you don't deserve this or that or the next thing, well... you have friends to offer that unhelpful but comforting stuff. We're more interested in actually helping, something that is far more uncomfortable. We think you can handle the truth.

No one, no one, enjoys being told that what they think isn't all there is to think about. We like being told we're right. We like being told our position is valid and everyone else is wrong and blah blah blah.

But what you're missing, and I understand that, too, what you're missing is the things you don't want to hear are the only kind of things that are going to help you. And since you don't want to hear, all you want is consoling, well, we can do that. But what a waste of an opportunity.

Talking about him and why he does anything...a waste of energy for us. We are only hearing your side of it, so even if you're 1000% fair and accurate...so what? We can't tell you why he does anything.

Even if we pretend we're talking about him to keep you engaged, we're still really talking about you, because that's all we can really hope to affect...the person who is here and talking and interacting with us. He isn't, you are.

Heck, we can barely carry on a decent in-depth discussion with you about you based on the things we actually hear you say. And you don't want to hear it anyway.

That's unfortunate. While we've been discussing this with you, you "feel" like you're having an argument. Very bad result, I'd say. So much to be garnered, and once again feelings get in the way of the journey of discovery.

Well, if you feel better tomorrow and wish to discuss it, we'll certainly be around.

But if what you want is someone to pat you on the back, tell you everything is their fault and you don't deserve this or that or the next thing, well...you have friends to offer that unhelpful but comforting stuff. We're more interested in actually helping, something that is far more uncomfortable. We think you can handle the truth.

1. Do you even remember my original question?:

My supervisor is really serious and gruff most of the time. However, whenever I tell him something serious or we're talking about something that is serious, i.e.. Talking about when I was really sick with the swine flu, he smiles; I mean gets a grin/smirk on his face. Sometimes he laughs under his breath at inappropriate times as well. What is his deal?

2. You can barely carry-on a decent conversation with me? All you have been doing is attacking ME. I have just been trying to defend myself when I didn't do anything wrong.

3. Do you have a degree in psychology?

4. Who do you think you are?

5. My friends care about me. They give me constructive useful advice; not always what I want to hear, but they aren't combative and rude.

6. Get a life.

If you don't think you can carry on a conversation with me, then please do not comment on my questions. I'd rather not hear your opinion. You've been rude, condescending, and combative, and I have better ways to spend my time than to respond to your holier-than-thou ideals.

1. Do you even remember my original question?:

My supervisor is really serious and gruff most of the time. However, whenever I tell him something serious or we're talking about something that is serious, i.e.. Talking about when I was really sick with the swine flu, he smiles; I mean gets a grin/smirk on his face. Sometimes he laughs under his breath at inappropriate times as well. What is his deal?

2. You can barely carry-on a decent conversation with me? All you have been doing is attacking ME. I have just been trying to defend myself when I didn't do anything wrong.

3. Do you have a degree in psychology?

4. Who do you think you are?

5. My friends care about me. They give me constructive useful advice; not always what I want to hear, but they aren't combative and rude.

6. Get a life.

1. Yes, we remember it, but we cannot tell you why he does what he does. You know him better then we do and you don't know why so how would we?

2. JB didn't attack you, he gave you constructive criticism but you took it as an attack and decided to attack back. That's you, not JB.

3. Do you?

4. We're all here to help people but we can't read minds. We base our advice on the information given. The information you gave is not something we can form a definite opinion on. Like I said in #1, we don't know why your supervisor is like this any more then you do.

5. We're not your friends. Also, why not ask them this question, seeing as you don't like our responses.

6. And JB is attacking you? That was rude and not necessary. I suggest that you follow your own advice.


If you don't think you can carry on a conversation with me, then please do not comment on my questions. I'd rather not hear your opinion. You've been rude, condescending, and combative, and I have better ways to spend my time than to respond to your holier-than-thou ideals.

This is a public forum. Once you post your question it belongs to AMHD and anyone that's a member can answer. It's up to you, the original poster to decide which advice to accept and which advice to disregard.

I notice that you don't like being told what you don't want to hear. The truth is often hard to accept.

Good luck.

[sarcasm on]

For the life of me, I can't imagine why anyone would ever give this person a hard time, at work or anywhere.

</sarcasm off>

Fear not, my friend, no amount of rudeness will deter me from my goal, for thou art with me here, and yes, you are responding, so it's all good.

You don't have to be reasonable, we'll cover that. You just let it all out. We can take it.

Go team.

[sarcasm on]

For the life of me, I can't imagine why anyone would ever give this person a hard time, at work or anywhere.

</sarcasm off>

Fear not, my friend, no amount of rudeness will deter me from my goal, for thou art with me here, and yes, you are responding, so it's all good.

You don't have to be reasonable, we'll cover that. You just let it all out. We can take it.

Go team.

Well All I want to say is that the OP is her own worst enemy. Would like to say more, but everything else has been covered here.

1. Yes, we remember it, but we cannot tell you why he does what he does. You know him better then we do and you don't know why so how would we?

2. JB didn't attack you, he gave you constructive criticism but you took it as an attack and decided to attack back. That's you, not JB.

3. Do you?

4. We're all here to help people but we can't read minds. We base our advice on the information given. The information you gave is not something we can form a definite opinion on. Like I said in #1, we don't know why your supervisor is like this any more then you do.

5. We're not your friends. Also, why not ask them this question, seeing as you don't like our responses.

6. And JB is attacking you? That was rude and not necessary. I suggest that you follow your own advice.



This is a public forum. Once you post your question it belongs to AMHD and anyone that's a member can answer. It's up to you, the original poster to decide which advice to accept and which advice to disregard.

I notice that you don't like being told what you don't want to hear. The truth is often hard to accept.

Good luck.

I don't want your advice, and that does not make me a bad person. Why do you even care? (rhetorical question). I certainly don't care what you think. If you want to get the last word, then that's fine with me. I am not going to waste one more single moment of my life arguing with you.

Well All I want to say is that the OP is her own worst enemy. Would like to say more, but everything else has been covered here.

I don't want your advice, and that does not make me a bad person. Why do you even care? (rhetorical question). I certainly don't care what you think. If you want to get the last word, then that's fine with me. I am not going to waste one more single moment of my life arguing with you

[sarcasm on]

For the life of me, I can't imagine why anyone would ever give this person a hard time, at work or anywhere.

</sarcasm off>

Fear not, my friend, no amount of rudeness will deter me from my goal, for thou art with me here, and yes, you are responding, so it's all good.

You don't have to be reasonable, we'll cover that. You just let it all out. We can take it.

Go team.

I don't want your advice, and that does not make me a bad person. Why do you even care? (rhetorical question). I certainly don't care what you think. If you want to get the last word, then that's fine with me. I am not going to waste one more single moment of my life arguing with you

LMAO! She doesn't want our advice and doesn't care if we get the last word, yet here she is posting the same thing three times.

Sounds to me like you're more then willing to waste your time arguing with us.

As for me, I'm bored, so I can do this all night.

Your turn. :)

Now we know why her boss laughs or smirks. He is thinking to himself this girl is absolutely crazy, nuts. Why do I have to put up with your crap. I think it is you that have the problems, not the boss. You have shown your true ways here on the board. You come here looking for advice and opinions. We give them and you can not handle it and all you do is waste your energy by repeating something like that is going to convince us that our advice is wrong and that your right. Get off your ego trip. Get off your arse. Do some work and never mind about the smirks. All he is thinking is one day she is going to slip and I will have to fire her arse, because all she is, is big time trouble is nothing but trouble. She may think she is trying her best but she has lots of problems and I just feel sorry for her and that is the only reason why I am keeping her around.

Okay, so that pretty sums up what he is thinking because I am thinking the same about this point.

Whenever you're in a room full of people and all you can think is "Man, all these people are seriously strange and have major issues", you may want to look in the mirror, because it's probably you.

Those are just the facts.

And now for something completely different...

You can say I may be too sensitive, or need to get thicker skin, that's one thing; it's another to say I'm the one that needs to lighten up. I think there are a lot of people on here that need to lighten up, chill out, and maybe not come off so combative.
Thanks.

I don't see where anyone was trying to attack you or came of as combative. Yet you were still very defensive. Everyone on here is trying to help you. And yes, there are sometimes where you just have to learn to deal with things. And sometimes you have to be less sensitive. No one has put you down for being sensitive. We're just pointing things out.

It seems to me that now all of the sudden. The op changed her start of the op completely different. Wow tell a whole complete story and change everything around, because you did not like the answers? It is a completely different question now. How come is that? I would like to know.

I'm REALLY confused...

The boss smirks
They laugh at what she eats
And, I missed the one about her being reprimanded because she's late...

Now they want her to fill in for them while they're on holidays.

Why does she keep posting questions if she doesn't like the answers?

To the OP - if you can't and don't want to take time off college to fill in for them while they are on holidays then SAY so. You seem overly forthright and clear regarding people's opinions of you on this forum, so do the same with them. Just tell them.

If your college work is your priority then let them know - I don't think there is another alternative. You may well lose your job, but it doesn't sound as if you enjoy working there anyway - so it will surely be a blessing in disguise?

I think she secretly craves my feedback. Yeah, that's it...

I was not going to respond to any of these, because sometimes it is better to walk away. However, I did not change this around. I originally had a few separate threads. All of a sudden, I signed in, and they are all jumbled together. I don't know what happened; I just joined this site very recently, so I don't really know how it all works.

As for all of the horrible things that people are saying about me on here, I am just going to say a few things and you can take it or leave it. :

I realize that I may have been overly sensitive and defensive in my initial responses to some of your opinions. I have been very sensitive lately because there have been many things going on in my life; especially at work. I felt that I was asking a pretty harmless question, just for the hell of it to see what people thought it might mean (because I was stumped). When I got responses saying that the problem was how I am reacting to his behavior, it hit a nerve because I have let it go for so long (not just this, but all of his mean behavior) and am sick of just letting it go. The way that he treats me doesn't stop. I have thought through what to do about it so many times-ignore it & let it go, say something directly, say something to my boss, deal with it until I'm done with school, or quit. I have asked for advice from friends. They do not think that I'm a bad person or that I'm "crazy nuts" (to quote what someone wrote on here). Most of them say I need to get the hell out of there, and that he seems crazy.

I guess I was not expecting people to try to analyze me, and shift focus on me, because I did not ask, "Why does he bother me?", I asked, "Why does he do this?".
I got defensive because I felt attacked when people were saying that I'm too sensitive (I am very sensitive, and I do not consider that a bad trait) and I just felt like certain people were implying that he has no responsibility in this. He is the one who is behaving in a disrespectful, mean, and manipulative manner towards me. I just don't think that the fact that I am a sensitive person warrants mean behavior, or makes it right. I believe that many people could benefit from being more sensitive and empathetic. Maybe part of the problem is that I just expect people to be pure-hearted, and when they are not, I become extremely disheartened.

Like many of you said, you know nothing about me. Sometimes it is hard to pick-up social cues (like tone, facial expressions, etc.) from email, text-messaging, etc. I thought certain people on here were being combative, and I could have misunderstood. I got p!$sed off and could have been misunderstood as well. I simply chose not to take certain people's advice, because I did not agree with it, and that is all that I should have said. It is everyone's right to post their opinions, but I can choose whether to read and use those opinions, and whether to take people's advice. That is my prerogative. I find some of the things about me that were written on here very hurtful and unnecessary. Once again, as you said, you do not know me. I am not a crazy person. I can seem like one when I'm really mad; I inherited a volatile temper that only comes out when my feelings are deeply hurt. I am coming from a place of being extremely wounded by this man who has been very cruel towards me. I did not post it all here because I could fill pages and pages, and frankly I don't have the time to be doing this right now. Unfortunately, I do care what people think of me; it is something I am working on overcoming.

I thought I was asking a really innocent question, and I still think it was innocent. I know I have the choice to either let this effect me or not, but I am ruled by my emotions and it does effect me. (This is also something I am trying to work towards overcoming, or at least having better control over). I have tried to keep it from affecting me, and succeeded for a while. I am ready to break down and just walk out of there, but I can't until I have another job. I came on here because I just wanted to get it all out somehow. I felt attacked, so I retaliated, and had a lot of really nasty assumptions made about me. That's fine. As I said, you can take it or leave it. I've realized that there really aren't that many compassionate people out there, so I shouldn't expect anything from anyone. I will just continue to try to be the best person that I can, and not hold people up to my ideals.

I think she secretly craves my feedback. Yeah, that's it...

I do not crave your feedback. I chose not to take your advice. That is my choice.

Don't sweat the little things in life,like on line forums and people who can't possibly get you from the cyber vantage point.
We really are here to help but sometimes in our rush to judgment we forget there are real people on the other end of that keyboard.

That works both ways to the asker and the answerer.

We could probably all benefit from a little thicker skin and less defensive posturing.

Stuff happens and then we forget about it.No big deal,no one was seriously injured in this thread :)

Don't sweat the little things in life,like on line forums and people who can't possibly get you from the cyber vantage point.
We really are here to help but sometimes in our rush to judgment we forget there are real people on the other end of that keyboard.

That works both ways to the asker and the answerer.

We could probably all benefit from a little thicker skin and less defensive posturing.

Stuff happens and then we forget about it.No big deal,no one was seriously injured in this thread :)

Thank you.

I got defensive because I felt attacked when people were saying that I'm too sensitive (I am very sensitive, and I do not consider that a bad trait) and I just felt like certain people were implying that he has no responsibility in this. He is the one who is behaving in a disrespectful, mean, and manipulative manner towards me. I just don't think that the fact that I am a sensitive person warrants mean behavior, or makes it right. I believe that many people could benefit from being more sensitive and empathetic. Maybe part of the problem is that I just expect people to be pure-hearted, and when they are not, I become extremely disheartened.

In all honesty, what many posters are trying to say is that you can't change another person's behavior. Sure, it's horrible to work with someone that is mean, nasty and rude. Sure, it would be nice if they were kind and compassionate. But they aren't.

No one is saying that because you're sensitive you should put up with mean behavior - but you can't change another person's behavior just by saying "I'm sensitive, don't treat me mean".

How are you going to MAKE your boss take responsibility for his behavior? You can't. It's a workplace not a marriage and when you're in his workplace, if you want to stay there, you work by his rules and put up with his attitude and moods. If you don't like it, you get out.

Of course we could all benefit from being more sensitive and empathetic. Hypothetically, if you were more sensitive and empathetic you might realize that your boss IS who he IS, he doesn't know any better, he's a result of his childhood and conditioning. (As we all are) You might also view him with increased compassion and understand that there is no changing some people, they are just unpleasant individuals.

To be completely frank I can only see one alternative here, which is that you need to get out of there.

I originally had a few separate threads. All of a sudden, I signed in, and they are all jumbled together. I don't know what happened; I just joined this site very recently, so I don't really know how it all works.


I merged your threads. We prefer that all questions referencing the same issue be kept together. Its often useful to see the whole story and it seems to be the case here.

How are you going to MAKE your boss take responsibility for his behavior? You can't. It's a workplace not a marriage and when you're in his workplace, if you want to stay there, you work by his rules and put up with his attitude and moods. If you don't like it, you get out.

Of course we could all benefit from being more sensitive and empathetic. Hypothetically, if you were more sensitive and empathetic you might realize that your boss IS who he IS, he doesn't know any better, he's a result of his childhood and conditioning. (As we all are) You might also view him with increased compassion and understand that there is no changing some people, they are just unpleasant individuals.

To be completely frank I can only see one alternative here, which is that you need to get out of there.

I am not going to MAKE him change his behavior-As you said, I can't.
I am an extremely sensitive, empathetic and compassionate person and I do realize that he issues that I can not resolve. (I never asked how to stop him from smirking at me-I asked why he might be because I am an inquisitive person). I have felt very sorry for him because he is so miserable that he has to bring other people down to feel better about himself.

This issue is already in the process of being resolved for me. I decided to look for another job.

This issue is already in the process of being resolved for me. I decided to look for another job.

Hallelujah.

Good to hear. And I do hope you find something good, and most of all I hope you manage to let your boss(es) know the real reason you're leaving once you do move on, that's the only moment when you might truly have an impact on them. It could help others, who knows?

And EVG, I do want to apologize for the two little sarcastic digs in my last two posts. Though I believe none of the my other posts were rude or attacking, I do know that text on a screen carries a very harsh tone when the content is unexpected. The same words when spoken might come off as reasonable, but on the computer screen can appear... well... mean.

I hope you'll read the true intent of mine, and all of ours, we all want you to be a winner. Sounds like you're going to be.

So please accept my apology for the two actual unnecessary digs I tacked on at the end. And for the rest... well, at least perhaps forgive the flat delivery if not the content.

Let us know how things fare.

Evgb, I never meant to imply that being sensitive is a bad thing. It can be a great trait, unless you let it affect your life in a negative way. That's all I was trying to say and when you took it the way you did my hackles went up.

I'm glad that you decided to look for other employment, I really think that's the best thing you can do at this point.

Good luck to you.

And I can close it, since it is obvoius OP is not wanting real help